Survivor...I'm Not talking about the guys who sang Eye of the Tiger

Some Sad News...Unless You Don't Like Me

2010-01-22T14:58:00.002-05:00

For those of you that read me....

How do I make that singular?

For that of you that read me?

Whatevs.

Anywhere, I am going to take this season off. I don't have any pools going at work since I have started a new job and I don't think I have enough "readers" to continue writing this just for fun. I have enjoyed writing it though...and hope to pick it back up next season...

Word!

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE XIV: HEY-AH TONY DANZA THINKS YOU SHOULD READ-AH THIS HERE NEWSLETTAH…BROOKLYN!

2009-12-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

So, I need to get this newsletter out quickly because Sunday is the finale and between now and then, I plan on being pretty drunk. Oops…I mean “tired.” That’s usually what I tell my kids when I have had a little too much. Like they will say, “Daddy, why are you talking so funny?” And I will answer, “Oh…I am just tired.” Or they will say, “Daddy, why did you just fall on the floor?” And I will answer, “Tired, kids…Daddy is BLEEPING tired.” Or maybe they ask, “Daddy, why are you laughing so hard at this awful Paul Blart: Mall Cop movie?” And I will say, “Daddy is just tired off his ass, kids. Now go get some of Daddy’s sleepy juice. It’s in those silver cans with the blue mountains.”

Parenting is way easier than my health teacher said it would be.

So I think this was the first show this season where at least someone didn’t come back reeling from tribal council. In fact, no one even mentioned the vote. Probably because Monica was kind of hard to like. Maybe even harder to like than Jar-Jar Binks. Meesa wants to goes and help yousa and do some BANG SHOOT DEAD.

Also, while they were sitting around the fire, Brett was giving Richard Simmons a back massage. Which was uncomfortable and awkward. Even more than when Tony took Samantha bra shopping on Who’s the Boss? Mona and Angela were all, “Sam needs a bra” and Tony was like, “HEY-OH. I’m-ah from the streets of Brooklyn. I’m a big-ah tough guy, right? And, OH!, this bra stuff is fuh tha boids! Gimme my mop. Fuhgettaboutit.” Then Mona talked about how many guys she wanted to sleep with and Jonathan was all, “I am annoying.” I think that’s what happened. Or maybe that was the episode where Tony walked in on Angela showering. “HEY-OH. I’m-ah just-ah trying to clean the tub ovah here!”

The next morning, Brett and Natalie discover they share a common interest – God. And they start talking about their faith and what Christian books they like. Its crazy how many conversations I have had like that with people…only replace “faith” with “Pez collection” and “Christian books” with “Star Wars characters.” And is it still a conversation if people walk away from you in the middle of it? Its nice to have friends….even if they’re made of dreams. Why is the world such a lonely place?

Meanwhile, Spacely is teasing Richard Simmons about her hair. Because, as he says, mullets went out in the 70’s. Which is bull. I mean, I had a mullet well into the 90’s. And I had a ton of dates. Well, some dates. Actually, like one or two. You know, come to think of it, I spent a lot of Fridays and Saturdays watching USA Up All Night eating pretzel rods and drinking Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid alone. Please move on from this paragraph right now.

Next up was the reward challenge. In the challenge, the tribe would be split into two members and people would have to go up and remove a piece of rope from this network of intersecting ropes holding up all these coconuts. The object was to drop as few coconuts as possible. First team to 100 dropped coconuts loses. It was a lot like that game “Don’t Wake the Bees.” Except instead of bees, it was coconuts. And instead of being the focal point of fond childhood memories, remembering this one was will probably bring to mind the night I tried to figure out why they kept blurring out the area right above Mick’s swim trunks. Seriously, what are they blurring out there? I am sort of afraid to ask, so I am just going to imagine it’s a conjoined twin. That’s usually my default. If I cant figure something out, I will usually just say it’s a conjoined twin. Its why my son thinks the capital of Lithuania is Conjoined Twin.

So, before the challenge, Spacely and Natalie are assigned the duty of being captains for the two teams. So, they pick their teams. And Natalie shocked the world (translate: me) by choosing Brett first. I was pretty taken aback by this, but as she said later in the challenge, her and Brett are prayer warriors. And then she held hands with him. That’s awesome. I should have used that more in college to meet girls. It’d probably work better than when I told girls that I was a Dream Warrior. That didn’t work so well. Especially when I said my dream power was ballet.

I’m a dream warrior. Don’t wanna dream no more.

Anyways, the teams were Spacely, Richard Simmons, and JaiSON versus Natalie, Brett, and Mick. And at first, the Spacelies were losing, but then the other team the other team was losing. And then it was over and they lost. You know, I should have followed my dream of being a sports broadcaster. I couldn’t be any worse than Dennis Miller was on Monday Night Football – “Hey, that pass reminds me of the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, right Al?”

So, Spacely, Richard Simmons and JaiSON won reward and it was a trip to a remote village to eat and watch Samoans dance. And to my dismay, Humpty Hump’s plea to the people of Samoa to, in fact, do the Humpty Hump was not heard. Because I didn’t see one person limp to the side like their leg was broken or shake and twitch kind of like they were smoking.

And I definitely didn’t find myself thinking any of them looked like MC Hammer on crack.

And back at camp, the three losers decided that they would get some food (snails) and eat on the beach while watching the sunset – sort of like a “loser’s reward.” And, you know, good for them. I mean, losers need love too, right? I mean, even Screech had Donna Martin. Wait….is that right? I think. Wait. Maybe?The winners also got to sleep on mattresses and pillows. And Richard Simmons was just being downright “silly.” She was putting the netting over her face and saying “I’m in a net.” I love jokes you don’t have to think about. Or laugh at.

Also, they are all pretty worried about Natalie’s first choice of Brett at the challenge. Richard Simmons says its very telling. At least I think that’s what she said. By then, I was in the process of burning out my retinas with a hot poker because she chose to wear what looked like just a bra to bed. Speaking of bras, how about that episode of Who’s the Boss? Where Tony went bra shopping with…huh? I did? Oh, crap…um when he when he HEY OH I’M WALKIN HERE!!!1111

So, the next day, Spacely confronted Natalie about her choice and she said that she was still on board with him til the end. Which, I don’t know…I know she is all ‘God is awesome’ and stuff and wouldn’t strike you as a liar, but she could probably work around it. People are always misquoting the Bible and what not. My Mom always did. Like one time, she told me that God forbade me to watch Three’s Company because it was against his will…all so she could watch Classic Concentration.

The reward challenge was a weird one. The tribe members had to go out and count random things – fish, coconuts, squids (seriously) and then come back and use those numbers as a combination to get this rod out and break a tile. It was odd. In the end, Brett ended up winning. Which sort of makes me skeptical. I mean, they have been gunning for Brett for the past two weeks. And all of a sudden, he’s winning challenges? Even though he never won one before. This is more suspect than the end of Superman IV. At the end, they show Superman flying around the globe and, like, you can see him from space. That would make him, honestly, something like 100 miles long. How could anyone not have figured that out? I mean, I still believed he was ready to give up his power for Margot Kidder….and even I found that hard to believe.

So, anyways, Brett won immunity which means that they had to switch gears and consider voting out Mick. However, JaiSON has another idea. He wants to vote out Richard Simmons because Mick gives them a better shot at ousting Brett. And as he is talking about this with Spacely, up walks Richard Simmons. And he walks right away. Which makes her suspicious. And I don’t know. I mean, you know how many people have walked away from me? I never took it personally. I just figured it meant most people didn’t care to hear how I think Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, He-Man is awesome and everything, but deep down he is still that whinebag Prince Adam. And really, Prince Adam just seems like someone that couldn’t stand up to Popeye’s spinach-fueled rage. Like, let’s say they meet each other and get in a little bit of a tussle….then I could see…wait…come back. Fine, I guess you don’t like people having opinions. Fascist.

At tribal, Natalie talks to the fact that Richard Simmons would be a great person to take to the end because no one on the jury would vote for her. And I have to agree…but what do I know. I am just a guy who thinks Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, think about it. If he just used his oversized arms to knock that sword of power away, how could he….ugh, fine, come back. Sorry.

In the end, though, they decided to keep Mick for reasons I cannot fathom and they voted out Richard Simmons. Which is nice, since we don’t have to root anymore for someone who is so unlikeable. I imagine its a lot like being a Yankees fan.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE XIII: INSERT WITTY TITLE HERE

2009-12-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

So, I’m sitting there watching this episode of Survivor, and I am all comfortable…thinking hey, this is a cool regular nothing-crazy-is-happening episode. And then Mark Burnett is like BODY BLOW BODY BLOW UPPERCUT UPPERCUT GREAT FIGHTING YOU’RE AN UP AND COMING BOXER KING HIPPO GLASS JOE!!!! Also, did Mike Tyson chew the face off of the Nintendo graphics guy because he decided to leave his gap in his 16-bit portrait? I am assuming yes.

The episode started with the tribe coming back from tribal council. And Richard Simmons was shocked at how everyone voted out John. But to calm her, Spacely says that John was gunning for her before tribal council. She, of course, trusts him. Which makes even less sense than when Hansel and Gretel trusted that witch in the candy house. By the by, how disturbing is that fairy tale? Its like a little kid horror movie. That’s why I have taken to telling my children the story of the kids who went to visit their grandpa’s house and strayed too far into the woods only to be slaughtered at the hands of a skinmask-wearing chainsaw-wielding cannibal. And the moral is a lot easier to swallow – NEVER VISIT TEXAS!! What’s the moral of Hansel and Gretel? Don’t eat candy houses? F that…if you see a candy house, eat it. That’s my motto. And if its surrounded by a moat of malt liquor? All the better. That’s my other motto. I have a lot of mottos…but most of them involve candy and malt liquor. I am like a modern-day Confucius.

The next morning, JaiSON talks to Brett and Monica about Spacely’s money. “He told Mick he made two million dollars last year,” he says. Then Brett tries to get JaiSON to consider turning on Spacely. He says no. So he’s no Benedict Arnold. For those of my readers who don’t know, Benedict Arnold was a traitor who turned his back on America to focus on his love of Canadian Bacon and Hollandaise Sauce. The More You Know.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. I know what you’re thinking what I was thinking. Which was – “THIS IS CRAZY AS CRAP WHAT? An immunity challenge? This early in the show? But what are they going to do for the rest of the time? And I wonder if I can fit that entire sandwich in my mouth? If I keep this glass of water handy, I think I’ll be ok. Well, here goes. Half in. Now the whole thing. Hm, its pretty hard to breathe right now. I should grab that glass of….oh crap I dropped it. This sandwich is delicious though even if it is slowly killing me. Well, I guess this is the end. And I never got to visit the Moon. Which was a goal of mine. Wait. OK….I am starting to be able to chew now. Its going down. Almost. Bam. Ah, that’s better. Now, back to the show. Wait. Do you think I could fit both of those Ring Dings into my mouth?”

Right….we were all thinking, that, right? Its amazing how we are all the same – Black, White, Man, Woman, Big, or Small. At our basest, we all carry the same fears, hopes, and dreams – which all center around trying to fit things into our mouths. I am you. And you are me. Now, come, take my hand brother and let’s shove that piece of pepperoni pizza called life into your mouth.

So, yeah, an Immunity Challenge. And it was bowling-focused. Which you would think would be boring. But…well…yeah, you were right the first time.

And, during it, Richard Simmons said that she was playing for “all her friends in a bowling league.” And I was surprised she knew people in a bowling league. It was almost as surprising as when Anakin became Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith. I am surprised easily is what I am telling you right now. Tiger has another mistress? WHAT??/????QUESTION MARKS?

In the end, it came down to JaiSON and Richard Simmons. JaiSON ended up winning, getting him his second immunity win in a row. I know. Its exciting. Until you realize that he won the first won by gaining an unfair advantage through bidding. And he won the second by knocking over, I think, two pins and beating Richard Simmons score of 0. So, it was a lot like the end of Seabiscuit. Except instead of racing thoroughbred horses, he raced a one-legged pony, a stack of newspapers, and that painting of dogs playing poker.

After the challenge, there was of course some scrambling. Mick warns that, in order to keep Richard Simmons on their side, the existing Foa Foas should vote out Dave. Spacely, however, seems to be thinking that Richard Simmons has become expendable and maybe he should be thinking about voting her out. I hope I never become expendable. I would hate to be replaced. Like when they put that other Darrin in on Bewitched. They just replaced Dick York with Dick Sergeant. That’s what he gets for having such a common name. So, I think I am pretty safe – Wayne is pretty uncommon. I think there are only like 3 other Waynes in the world – Gretzky, Knight, and Newton. And none of them, I think, can write about Punky Brewster the way I can. Or maybe they can. Dammit. I had better update my skill set. Hey, remember that show Beauty and the Beast where Sarah Connor used to make out with Lion-o from The Thundercats?

Position safe.

Then came tribal council. And there, Richard Simmons and Dave get into a disagreement about who to take to the end. Dave thinks you should take someone you have the best chance of winning against, while Richard Simmons thinks you should take the strongest. Which seems stupid. I know everyone says “to be the best, you have to beat the best.” Which is a load of crap. I always like to go up against the worst. Setting the bar low is key. For example, whenever I used to take girls on dates in high school, I always made sure to drop twenty dollars in front of a homeless person. Because showing your date that you have more money than a homeless person is a surefire way to cast yourself in a better light. Plus, like 6 times out of 10, it made me look more hygienically sound as well.

In the end…er…middle, it ended up being Dave who received the majority of votes. And we bidded him adieu. But hello to more hilarity. Hm…Oh, you just missed him. Hilarity just stepped out to take a call. But, here….mediocrity and “trying too hard” can handle things from here on out.

The next morning, Spacely starts gunning for Brett, saying that he is a huge threat. Like, an even bigger threat than global warming is to our climate or DVR is to LOUDLY SCREAMED LOCAL COMMERCIALS HEY COME ON DOWN TO ERNIE’S VACCUUM HUT WE ARE YOUR ONE STOP SHOP FOR VACCUMS WE’VE GOT CANISTER MODELS AND UPRIGHT MODELS WE’VE GOT YOUR NEEDS COVERED FROM HOOVER TO DUSTBUSTER REMEMBER OUR MOTTO IF IT DOESN’T SUCK ITS NOT FROM ERNIE’S!!!!!!!!

Next up was another immunity challenge. In this one, the tribe members had to run out into the water and retrieve these bags that they would then have to catapult, via see-saw, into these baskets. It was sort of like that game Mouse Trap in that it was a lot of work for a very small payout. Much like sitting through a later episode of The Cosby Show. So, wait…Olivia is who’s daughter now? And Rudy is what? And he wears those sweaters why? And the jokes are where?

Brett ended up winning. So, I don’t know…good for him.

After the challenge, Monica decides to try and stir the pot. She goes and tells Spacely that Natalie told her he was a millionaire. Then Spacely went and confronted Natalie, who denied that she said anything. Then he asked Brett, who confirmed it was JaiSON who told everyone. Then Spacely asked JaiSON and he admitted it, but said that this was just Monica trying to stay in the game. Then my head exploded like that Raiden-looking dude in Big Trouble in Little China.

Wow, a clouded reference to Mortal Kombat alluding to a Kurt Russell/Kim Cattral film. Guaranteed I was the only one who got that.

At tribal council, Spacely almost immediately takes out his hidden immunity idol and puts it around his neck. Not playing it, just letting everyone know he has it. It’s a pretty smart move. This way, no one is probably going to vote for him tonight and then he is still free to use it for the next tribal council. So its like he is getting two week’s worth of immunity out of one idol. He’s pretty smart. Which is odd for this show.

In the end, Monica and her tube socks were voted off….and we say goodbye to her and her tube socks…did I mention that already. I HAZ CREEPY!!!

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE XI: WHENEVER I’M AWFUL, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM…DREAM DREAM DREAM

2009-12-09T18:34:00.000-05:00

So, its pretty crazy how good this season of Survivor still is. I actually have been having conversations with others about how good it is. And this, honestly, hasn’t happened since like the year 2000 or some crap. Seriously, I feel like next we are going to be hearing about voting miscounts, singing the Thong Song, and rushing to watch Martin Lawrence’s magnum opus Big Momma’s House. A man dressing as a woman is funny. A man dressing as a fat person is funny. A man dressing as an old person is funny. A man dressing as a fat old woman? Not that funny, actually. Weird. You would think putting three awesome things together would equal triple awesomeness. Like the time I watched Kidco while listening to We Are the World and sniffing White Out. Well, it would have been even better if my kids weren’t continually asking me to change the TV to the Disney channel.

There’s a choice we’re making. We’re saving our own lives. It’s true we make a better day. Just you and me.

So, the show started with the Aiga tribe returning from tribal council after voting out Laura due to John’s voting switcheroo. And Monica is none too happy. “We all want to make it to the end, but at some point you need to show loyalty and integrity and respect for the people that you made promises to,” she says, “John has to go home.” Yeah, makes total sense. That’s what this show is based on. Loyalty and integrity and respect. And puppy dogs and unicorns and fairies and other things that the show is so obviously not based on. Like vans with pictures of wizards on them. Although a show about that would be pretty awesome. I bet it would involve a lot of mullets and Mixed Martial Arts.

The next morning, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely return with treemail which, to everyone’s delight, contains money for everyone. “FOOD AUCTION!!!1111one one1” yells Monica. Which was pretty smart of her. Usually when I receive money in an envelope in the mail, I either assume it was a mistake or I was sleep-dealing-Ecstacy again. Yes, your honor, it IS a real medical condition.

So, the tribe arrives at the challenge and sits on the bleachers as THE ARCHANGEL explains the rules. Each person has been given $500 and bidding for each item starts at $20. And no sharing of either money or food. Which just seems like a terrible lesson to be teaching the children of the world, Mr. Burnett. Even worse than the lessons of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which teaches children that it’s ok to be a bigoted a-hole, so long as you’re Santa Claus. Oh, ok Santa…so you tell this kid’s parents that their freak son will never drive your sleigh. And then you tell the kid. Right to his face. In song. And then, when you realize you can capitalize on this poor animal’s deformity, you’re all, “Hey buddy. Hey….Um. About all that crap I said earlier. You know I was just kidding, right? You’re a really special reindeer….why don’t you come guide my sleigh and what not? Then maybe we can go out for an ice cream after. What d’ya say, pal?” Frakkin’ two-faced fatso.

And don’t even get me started on how he craps all over the elves after they sing him a song. They wrote. For him. In between their non-paid work in his sweat shops.

The first item up for bid was a PB&J sandwich. And Natalie bids $200. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone if they remember her love of eating from The Facts of Life. Plus, if it was made with delicious Welch's Concord Grape Jelly, then it would be understandable because of its full, bold flavor and Welch's commitment to making real grape products. For real people like me.

Welch's – It’s the mad bomb, yo.

The next item came out, covered. And Richard Simmons outbids everyone with $240. And it ends up being sea noodles and sea slug guts. Which must have been disappointing. Even more disappointing than going to see a Barenaked Ladies concert. You mean I brought all these one dollar bills for nothing?

Then, Monica won a cooked chicken. Mick won a cheeseburger. And Natalie won a shower. In front of everyone. And despite me going up close to my TV, kneeling down, and trying to look in, we couldn’t see anything.

Now, one item came out and THE DEVIL said it promised a significant advantage in the immunity challenge. And JaiSON ended up bidding his whole $500. He said he did this to help out his old tribe members. So selfless, that JaiSON. Winning something to help him win the next immunity challenge. This was the most selfless thing I have seen someone do since Uncle Scrooge didn’t give that money to that mole and mouse dude collecting money for charity because he wanted to make sure they still had jobs in Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Man, Mickey’s Christmas Carol is such a timeless tale. I wonder why it hasn’t ever been retold. Hm? Dickens? Doesn’t ring a bell. But you know what else is a great story? Oliver & Company.

Heh, you said Dickens.

Also, John won both a clue to the hidden idol and a piece of apple pie. And he was given a choice when he went to get it. He could either have the slice all to himself. Or, he could get a whole pie to share with 4 people. And he ended up keeping it all to himself. He said it was because he thought everyone was nice and wouldn’t vote him off because of this. Then, he said he thought OJ didn’t do it. Because, why would he lie? Then he sent all his money to this guy in Nigeria who sent him an email claiming he had millions waiting for him. Then he was really stupid and naïve is what I am saying to you right now.

After the challenge, back at camp, John searches for the idol but comes up short and suspects that Spacely now has yet another idol. Which he, of course, is completely correct in assuming. He would also be correct in assuming that I am an International Man of Mystery that men want and women want to be. Wait. That’s not right. Take that last part and reverse it. Also, did I say correct? I meant completely incorrect. Wow, this whole last paragraph was just a complete and utter waste. Like that Single Guy show.

After this, Richard Simmons starts preparing for the DEATH OF THE CHICKENS. Its come time for the tribe to kill the chickens for food. And Richard Simmons is not happy about it because she has befriended the chickens. She says she comes and talks to them sometimes when she needs to work things out. Which might sound crazy. But then I remembered how I do the same thing. With the trees. I talk to the trees. But they don’t listen to me. I talk to the stars. But they never hear me.

Wow, seriously…did I just reference Paint Your Wagon? When did I become a grandfather? No, seriously. When? This kid was just left here with a note saying I was his grandfather. OK. There was no note. But…well. OK, he wasn’t left here either. I found him at the supermarket. In someone’s cart. While they were checking their tomatoes for freshness. But, whatever. We seem to be getting along. It’s a lot like Punky Brewster. Except instead of me being a crotchety old dude constantly complaining about how this child has taken over his life, I am a handsome young hipster who still goes out and parties and drinks. And leaves him alone. At home. In the closet. Don’t judge me.

So, the chickens are killed. And Richard Simmons cooks them. Badly. And when Dave informs her she is cooking them wrong, she gets upset saying that she has had a bad day and he should just lay off. This leads to her saying Dave should be voted off. Not because of this exchange, of course. But because she had a dream she was gonna vote Dave off. And she feels that this tells her something. I wonder if that’s true. Do dreams really tell the future? If so, when do I tell my wife about Kim Kardashian moving in? After the holidays? Good call.

Haha….I am probably going to be sleeping on the couch for that one.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In it, the tribe members had to hold onto a log with a rope and, every three minutes, they would be asked to switch hands and move down a knot on the rope, making it harder to hold on. And we got to see what JaiSON’s advantage would be – at any time in the challenge, he could move up two knots on the rope, giving him a two-knot advantage over everyone else. A pretty big advantage. Though probably not as big as the advantage as Slater had when he and Zack got in that fistfight over who got to go to the dance with the new girl. I mean, Slater was on the wrestling team. Though Zack could freeze time. Hmmmmm…this is a tough one. Let me put it into my pop culture analysisizer. Beep Beep Bop. And the result is: YOU ARE LOSER. Oh, even my own computer. Good grief.

At the end, it was JaiSON and Dave hanging on for immunity. Dave made a solid effort but, due to JaiSON’s advantage, ended up dropping his log. Which is just too obvious a joke.

…

…

…

LOGZ IZ PUUP!!!111 LMAO

Back at camp, everyone seems on board to vote out Dave based on Richard Simmons’ premonition. But, an exchange between John and Spacely looks like it might change things. In it, John suggests that, if they are in danger, they use the idol. Spacely tries to pretend he doesn’t have it, but John gets him to spill. And, because of that, Spacely says, “It was my mistake, but sorry John, you gotta go home for it,” Oh Spacely, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

So, Spacely starts recruiting people to vote out John with him, winning over both Dave and Monica. He then brings in Mick and JaiSON, reluctantly. JaiSON is a bit worried about turning on Richard Simmons because of her vindictiveness. I haven’t seen anyone this scared of Richard Simmons since that brush. Because of his hair. Its crazy and hard to tame. So, you know, if you were a comb and had to make it through that, you’d be scared. This is joke. Ummm…hey, remember Quantum Leap??

At tribal council, THE DEVIL INCARNATE asks if people were scrambling today. Spacely says yes and this shocks Richard Simmons. Judging by his hair, I would say this wasn’t the first thing that ever shocked Richard Simmons. Because shock could mean surprise, but it can also mean an electric shock. Which would make someone’s hair stand on end. Er. Hey….remember that Ghoulies??

More surprising, I am sure, was that the majority voted off John even after Richard Simmons’ dream. So we say goodbye to John. Sorry John, but at least you can feel better knowing that you were never in one of Richard Simmons’ dreams.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE X: AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT…BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PALM PRE

2009-11-26T20:12:00.001-05:00

I have made a lot of ridiculous statements in my life –

“Spice World is hilarious,”

“I hope I never buy a cell phone,”

“I would be an asset to your company.”

But I think I can say, without reservation, this may be the best season of Survivor ever. Yeah, ok, I guess it’s a little “catering to the masses” that they keep hiding immunity idols all over the place, but meh…so is Jackass. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching Steve-O get kicked in the crotch by Wee Man. In fact, I enjoy the hell out of that. I AM THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR!!!

But its just been really enjoyable, and last night’s episode is no exception. The episode started with everyone returning from last week’s Kelly blindside at Tribal Council. Mr. Spacely was extremely happy with himself, comparing himself to Picasso. Which seemed a little over-the-top. Much like the training montage in Rocky IV. I mean, in one instance, Rocky actually pulls Paulie on a sled through the snow. I don’t even think there was a benefit to Rocky there. What if he caught a cold? I think Paulie was still pissed about that pinball machine.

Most of the women seem pretty pissed about how Spacely and his crew blindsided Kelly. Laura claims that he “ruined everything.” Spacely and Richard Simmons, though, laugh this off; Spacely says, “I ruined everything? What did she think I’m here for? To bake her cookies and cakes?” I hope she doesn’t think that. Because she is going to really feel misled at the end of all this. And that sucks, trust me. Like when I was a kid, I ordered these Sea-Monkeys out of the back of a comic book. And they didn’t live up to the hype one bit. In the ad, they were all driving cars and shooting basketball and performing interpretive dance. When I got them home, it was a major disappointment. Turns out all they do is look like my water bottle after I’ve been eating a lot of crackers. Sea Monkeys? More like, um, Sea Turdfaces.

The next morning, Spacely does what he does best, and searches for the hidden immunity. “They’re like magnets to me,” he exclaims. Which reminded me a lot of in high school. I was regarded by some as a “chick magnet.” In fact, I used to walk down the street and people would say, “hey, there goes the chick magnet.” And by “people” I mean “my mom.” Hmmm…and thinking more about it. She may have said “stick magnet.” Which would make more sense. Since I used to walk into sticks all the time. That were thrown by the neighborhood kids.

Meanwhile, Richard Simmons approaches John about voting our Laura at the next tribal council if she doesn’t win immunity. If she can convince John to vote out Laura, then they would have the numbers to switch the balance of power. Which is different than if they voted out the pharmacist in It’s a Wonderful Life, because that would shift the balance of Gauer. Or if they voted out the big dude on Police Academy, because that would shift the balance of Hightower. Orrr….if they voted out the Purple Pie Man on Strawberry Shortcake, because that would shift the balance of flour. Get it? No…the joke is that I had nothing else to write about. Isn’t it hilarious how I don’t have talent?

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the tribe is split into two teams – Purple and Yellow. One person from each team has to lay in this cradle thing held up by ropes which are, in turn, held by other members of the team. The people holding the ropes have to guide the person in the cradle around to grab these flags and stick them in these slots. Yep. Oh, and also the SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE. Which I guess is a phone or something. You know, back in my day, the only phones we had plugged into the walls. And we liked it. And if we wanted to purchase one song at a time, we had to buy a cassingle (Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now was one of my first because I am awesome.) And we loved it. And if we wanted to look at pornography, we had to ask the homeless guys down by the railroad tracks to buy it for us. We didn’t have fancy Internets and age verifications. And we, I don’t know, were actually pretty uncomfortable with that one.

The yellow team consists of Richard Simmons, Jaison, Monica and Mick, with John in the cradle. The purple team consists of Dave, Brett, Laura and Russell, with Natalie in the cradle. I gotta say…Natalie kicked ass in this challenge. I gotta say – I didn’t expect much from her, but she has definitely risen above expectations. She has really surprised me. I don’t think I have been surprised like this since the end of ALF. What the hell. So, he’s taken away and. And….nothing. I haven’t been that surprised about something since that time Natalie kicked ass in a challenge. What? My mind works in a circular fashion is how my mind works.

Anyways, the purple team wins because of Natalie’s awesomeness. And they win a picnic at a waterfall. I guess picnics at waterfalls must be Samoan traditions because I am pretty sure they won this same prize last week. I am pretty sure. I tried to go back and read last week’s recap, but I couldn’t wade through it. I mean, that thing is complete nonsense. You guys have awful taste.

So they went on a picnic. And it was super boring. Too bad it wasn’t like that song my parents used to sing to me when I was a little boy:

If you go out in the woods today
Your guts are sure to spill
If you go out in the woods today
They’ll come in for the kill

For every bear will tear your flesh
And drink your blood, because
Today's the day the rabid grizzly bears have their picnic.

Huh? You think that’s bad you should hear the one about the black widow spider that stuffs dead children up a water spout every time it rains. Those songs taught me valuable lessons. Like make sure to keep a steak knife under my pillow.

Although at the lunch, they did get to look through the SPRINT PALM PRE and it gave them some clues as to where the hidden immunity idol was. And one of the clues was a picture of where it was hidden. That’s really more than just a clue. It’s more of a HEY LOOK UNDER THIS SPECIFIC ROCK. It was kind of like if, instead of leaving clues for Scooby-Doo and his pals, the bad guy just left a note saying “I am the old man who owns the carnival and I am wearing a mask and I would have gotten away with this if it wasn’t for you crazy kids catching me in a half hour from now.” Jinkies.

As soon as they get back to camp, the search is on. Dave has a plan. His plan is to follow behind Spacely. Which seemed kind of stupid. Also stupid? When everyone else started seeing Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street. It was much better when everyone thought Big Bird was a damned dirty liar. Because it taught kids an important lesson – don’t trust birds. I wish I heeded that advice. Because here I am. Still waiting. For Feathers to come back to me. Sniff.

Anyways, Spacely loses Dave in the jungle. Which really does not make Dave look all that good. For those of you who haven’t seen what Spacely actually looks like, imagine chasing Danny Devito through the jungle and he lost you. Imaging Danny DeVito lost you…by running. You can pretty much pack up any self-esteem you have and toss it off a bridge at that point.

And then Spacely comes back to a rock and he finds it. He finds another idol. And no one sees him do it. Its pretty amazing that he keeps finding these things. More amazing than those kids who used to solve Rubik’s Cubes with their feet. Though that’s probably not the most amazing thing I have ever seen anyone do with their feet. Remember Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing? His moves were divine and watching him made my…I mean, what? I mean, remember him in Road House? Remember how hot chicks are and that punching a dude in the face is the best? TESTOSTERONE!!!!!111

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. THE DEVIL HIMSELF explains that this is a 2-round challenge. In the first round, every tribe member is assigned a color and gets one throw at a set of tiles. However many they break in that one row determines how many tries they get in the second round. In the second round, those that earned attempts have to try to hit a target with a bow and arrow. So, Brett is the only one that earns two tries and he, along with JaiSON, Mick and Monica (due to Dave being awful again and knocking out her tile) take their shots at the target. Mick ends up winning, despite Brett’s multiple tries.

Before tribal, Monica has a plan to convince the remaining Foa Foas that she wants to vote out John and, with Richard Simmons dead set on voting out Laura, get all of Galu to vote out Natalie, thus making it 4-to-5 and getting Natalie out. Mr. Spacely didn’t buy this for a second. And he went to John and told him the plan that the Galus were putting into play. He, being the one they were putting out there, was none too happy about any of this…So he said that he would vote with his tribe, but if that resulted in a tie, he would vote for Laura. Are you confused yet? I am. But I get confused easily. I mean, this morning it took me like 3 hours to do the maze on the back of the Trix box. Turns out it was the ingredient panel. And it was a box of ziti. And it was 8:00 at night. And I was drunk.

So, then came tribal council. And when THE PROBST read the votes, it came out to be a tie between Laura and Natalie. So, everyone had to re-vote and if it came out to be a tie again, they would have to leave it up to fate and draw rocks. Man, Bob Ross was so good at drawing rocks. So, everyone votes again…and when the votes are read again, it comes out that Laura received one more vote this time. And she was out. So, someone flipped. Who could it be? I can’t stand this mystery. Who in the hell could it…Oh, it was John. Right. Duh.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE IX: AND ALSO EPISODE X…SO ITS 2 FOR THE PRICE OF ONE AND THE PRICE IS FREE. I HAV GUD BUSNESS MODL.

2009-11-18T22:04:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone. First, let me apologize for not doing an update last week. But I have a pretty good track record this season, no? This is the first week I missed. So, consider this my “mulligan.” Oh, you don’t know what a mulligan is? Its a golf term for, basically, not counting a bad shot and taking a do-over. I believe it was named for “Empty Nest” star, Richard Mulligan. Meatballs II was his “bad shot” and his stint as the spirit guide in The Heavenly Kid was his mulligan. And I don’t know. I consider that a “bad use of a mulligan” especially considering ME TED ME TED MEATHEAD!!!11

Anyways, last week’s episode was pretty good. Going into tribal, Erik and Mr. Spacely were wondering if they should play their hidden immunity idols. Mr. Spacely decided to play his, and he received zero votes. So, it was useless. Much like this degree in “learning the personal computer” I got from Sally Struthers. Great…now I know how to get my floppy disks clean and play lemonade stand til the cows come home. Thanks Sally. You know, she should have combined her love of correspondence schools with her desire to help underdeveloped areas of the world. She really could have made a difference teaching the starving children of the world gun repair from the comfort of their own home. I mean, sure, for the cost of a cup of coffee, I could help a starving child…but this would have given them the skills to really improve their lives. You can teach a man to fish but you can’t make him drink, right?

Wait. Was that right?

Whatever. Regardless, in the end, Erik didn’t use his immunity idol and he was blindsided. And who orchestrated this blindside? Natalie. Yup, Natalie. I am as shocked as you are. Even more shocked than I was whenever Natalie had a boyfriend on The Facts of Life. It’s not just that she was unattractive, but she was also sooooo annoying. Plus, she lived with Blair and Jo, who were infinitely hotter. Hell, I would have even taken Tootie and she had braces and wore roller skates for a good chunk of time in Peekskill. Like everywhere. She just lived in roller skates. And didn’t we all know someone like that? The roller skate kid? No? Eh, me neither. But I did know a kid that had really bad dandruff. Why didn’t they ever have a character like that? Then I would have been like, “yeah, I can really relate to this now. I wish I didn’t have such bad dandru…I mean he. I wish he didn’t have such bad dandruff.” Phew. Covered that one up nicely.

But let’s stop living in the past, man. Move on already. On to this week’s episode. Or live in the past, what do I care?

This week’s episode began with Natalie being useful, again. And full of murderous rage. So, she’s out in the jungle in her bikini and she comes upon a rat hanging out doing rat-stuff and she decides that, since she is hungry, she should play God. So, she grabs a stick and, in her bikini, she goes ahead and starts beating the crap out of the rat. And I was left realizing this was exactly like a dream I once had. Except replace “rat” with “weasel.” And replace “stick” with “4-foot pastrami sandwich.” And replace “Natalie in a bikini” with “Peter Jennings in a child-sized Mighty Morphin Power Rangers costume.” And replace “me” with “a new employee after sending this story out to my colleagues.”

So, she takes the dead rat in a coconut over to her camp and then they cook it up and eat it. And I was all, oh that’s gross and how can you eat a rat and that’s disgusting and then I finished my Mozzarella Stick/Chicken Finger/French Fry/Bacon sub. I mean, have some self-respect, right?

Yeah, its called “The Fat Willard” and its available at Neapoli in Malden, MA. If you order it, tell them Wayne sent you. And then, when you get to the hospital, forget you ever knew me.

So, then came ye ol’ reward challenge. In it, the tribe would be split into two teams that each had to carry this big pole with black and white coconuts on it and make it line up so that it showed 4 numbers - a combination. Then, a blindfolded member of the team has to use their hands to feel around this lock to line up the same numbers and release…God, I am tired already. Does anyone remember that episode of South Park where they discover that Family Guy gets all their random non-sequiturs by having manatees drop random “idea balls” to generate nonsensical pop culture references? I am pretty sure that’s how Survivor gets their ideas for challenges.

Heh, manatees. That’s about as unbelievable as the time I was hanging out at Arnold’s restaurant and this mute chick came in. Arnold was trying to ask her if she wanted fries with that and she couldn’t answer him. So, the Fonz came over and punched her in the face. All of a sudden, she started talking. Then he was like AYYYYYYYY!!! He was such a lovable criminal.

So the teams were divided into the Purple Team – Richard Simmons, Kelly, Dave, John, and Monica – and the Yellow Team – Brett, Laura, Mick, JaiSON, and Mr. Spacely. Natalie was left out on her own, but she could choose a team to root for and if that team wins, she gets to go on reward with them. And their reward is an afternoon of sliding down rocks and eating fried chicken. Man, I love fried chicken. And fried shrimp. And fried oreos. And fried arteries. Natalie chose the Yellow Team. I chose a 40oz. of Steel Reserve. In the end, we both lost.

Yep, Purple won. And as winners they were brought to this place with a natural rock slide so they could slide down….um, natural rock. As opposed to artificial rock. Like Nickelback. And afterwards they were treated to a picnic lunch with fried chicken and desserts and what not. And everyone was of course excited. BECAUSE HE PUTS ADDICTIVE CHEMICALS IN HIS CHICKEN SMART ARSE!!! OH YOU”RE GONNA BUY MY CHICKEN!

Manatees, man. Manatees.

Also, while enjoying their meal, they were given a clue to another hidden immunity idol. And they decided to only share it with fellow Galu members. Which just seemed totally unfair. It sucks when you’re left out of things. It feels so lonely. So I hear. I mean, I never feel lonely. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, my friends must have just stepped out a few minutes ago. With my car. And all my money. And by “a few minutes ago” I mean “after that time in high school where I told everyone that I thought For Keeps was the best movie ever.” And by “friends” I mean “parents.”

Sad face.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter how well they keep their secret, because Mr. Spacely is an immunity idol-findin’ fool. He goes on the hunt and ends up finding it under a bridge. Without a clue. Again. And I was actually happy that he did. I find myself rooting for Mr. Spacely lately. I think he is probably the most deserving on this tribe of the million. I haven’t changed the way I felt about someone this quickly since I met that chick at that bar that I thought was the most unattractive thing I have ever seen and then I drank a fifth of vodka and then I thought she looked like an angel and then I woke up the next day and realized she was a 78 year-old man. That was the craziest PTO meeting I have ever attended.

You know, I have been thinking that maybe I write a book about my life. A memoir. Where I treat my readers to colorful stories from this life I have led. Or maybe a children’s book. About my life. No, wait…a children’s book. Yeah, a children’s book. Except, of course, I’ll have to clean the stories up for the kiddies. For example, in that last little yarn, I can replace the 78 year old chick-dude with green eggs. And ham. And I can replace the fifth of vodka with an annoyingly persistent little piece of crap. I think I can leave in the part about eating with a goat though. Huh? Oh, well…it was a long night. Anyways, this book is gonna be awesome. I think I’ll call it…um…hmmm…Getting frakkin wasted at a bar with a goat. Kids love animals and what not. Its all in my Wildlife Treasury.

The next day, Mt. Spacely takes Richard Simmons out fishing and tells her about the fact that he has the hidden immunity idol. And Richard Simmons thought he was the luckiest person ever. And I don’t know. I mean, one time on Let’s Make a Deal I saw a dude win like a year’s supply of turtle wax. Can you imagine not having to worry about waxing your turtle for a whole year? Also, another time on The Newlywed Game¸ these people were all talking about making whoopee. I don’t really know what that means, but this other time I found a free whoopee pie. In the hands of the fattest kid in school. After I kicked him in the stomach. So what I am trying to say is this “luckiest person” title is pretty much up in the air.

So Richard Simmons and Mr. Spacely make a plan to take out Laura with a blindside. And they started calling her Medusa. As many of you probably remember from Clash of the Titans, Medusa was this crazy awesome chick with snakes in her hair that could turn you to stone. Seriously, she was like the second best part of the movie next to the Gorgon. Well, and the scorpions were pretty awesome. Anyways, I digress…Medusa was cool. And Laura is not. So I don’t think it’s a fair comparison. Laura is more like Bubo the robotic owl. Frikkin’ Bubo sucked.

Then came the immunity challenge and I am really getting long on words here…so let’s just skip to the end. Laura won. Which bummed out Richard Simmons and Spacely. But Richard Simmons had a backup plan…Spacely can get all of the Foa Foa members to vote against Kelly and then Galu can vote against Spacely. When he uses his idol – BAM!!11 PWNED!! O HAI!!! – Kelly goes. It was a good plan, but risky. It hinged on a number of things going right at exactly the same time. Much like my plan to get back to 1985. I have to basically drive my DeLorean and hit 88 mph, hit the wire with my connecting hook, and rely on lightning to hit the clock tower all at the exact same time. And don’t get me started about the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Marvin Berry and 1.21 GIGAWATS??!!!! That was heavy.

So Spacely set to work telling everyone from Foa Foa to vote for Kelly, while Galu decides to vote out Spacely. And Monica actually had the intuition that maybe Spacely has the idol, but Dave said that was ridiculous. That was actually pretty smart of Monica, which was surprising. Also surprising? How hot I think it is that she wears striped tube socks pulled up to her knees. Seriously, I know its creepy for some reason. But I just don’t know why yet. This is going to take more exploration. Its gonna take long hours, but By God someone has to do it. And I am just the creep. Detective. No, creep. Creep was the word.

Next up was the Best. Tribal. Ever. It started with Erik coming out as the first member of the jury. And Dave started in saying how Erik was the worst member of the tribe. And then everyone joined in. Erik sucks. Erik’s the worst. Erik smells bad. Erik’s Chess King sweater is the lamest thing I have ever seen SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I AM A PERSON TOO WITH FEELINGS AND I AM JUST TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE TEACHER!!!111

Ahem.

Then everyone casts their votes. And then THE EVIL ONE comes back and asks that if anyone has the hidden immunity idol and they wish to use it, they do so now. And Spacely stands up. And hands it to LUCIFER. And everyone’s jaws drop. Seriously, I haven’t seen someone this surprised since Ralphie beat up Scott Farkus. He had yellow eyes, you know. So, yeah, he uses it…and four votes in, THE PROBST announces that Kelly is going home. Sorry Kelly. But at least you two can take solace in being part of the funnest tribal ever. So, I don’t know…congrats?

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE VII: SEE? WE ARE ALL FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ALL ARE DANCING IN A FOUNTAIN TOGETHER…SO CASUAL AND QUIRKY

2009-11-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. So, I know this newsletter is late again, and I apologize but I hope everyone had a Happy Happy Halloween. Mine was great, because this year Halloween fell on a weekend. Me and my boys were trick or treatin’. Robbin’ little kids for bags. Til an old man got behind our ass. So we speeded up the pace. Took a look back and he was right before our face. We were in for a squab’ no doubt…

Oh, but I don’t want to bore you with every detail. But I DO sit alone in my four-cornered room starin’ at candles.

This episode began with the Galu tribe returning from tribal council after a non-vote, but without their leader, Russell. But a a few hours have passed and no one really cares about that anymore. Now, the men are much more concerned with the fact that the male/female ratio in Galu has now slipped to even. Which means that the girls could, if they wanted to, start conspiring to vote out the guys. They, however, have a plan. They think they could probably make Richard Simmons into “just one of the guys” and therefore win her vote over. So, they are going to ask her if she wants to cut her hair and attend a rival high school to prove that she isn’t being taken seriously as a real journalist because she’s a girl. And then I suppose they want her to get into random tussles with Willam Zabka because he lifts tables? And fall in love with Rick after she transforms him from a James Brown loving geek to a cool dude with slick hair? And then I suppose they want her to get in a fight with William Zabka at the prom on the beach and then her brother with all the naked pictures in his room and also the dude with all the lizards and YEAH RIGHT AND I’M CYNDI LOWWWPER!!!

That seems like a pretty intricate and unrealistic plan.

Over at Foa Foa, Russell’s departure has actually left them feeling a little more hopeful. Even JaiSON has put aside his Eeyore’ish demeanor for a more positive outlook. “We’ve got a good chance to win today. No Russell,” he says. But, seriously, do you guys still think you have a chance? It’d be like if the Really Rottens thought, just because Scooby-Doo came down with Canine H1N1 that they’d have a chance at winning. I mean, they still have Captain Caveman and Hong Kong Phooey on the team. You know what I mean? No? Richard Simmons would probably be Captain Caveman.

So, back over at Galu, the guys are trying to figure out a non-80’s way to bring Richard Simmons over to their side. And Erik has a plan. “What if we elect Richard Simmons chief?” he says. Then, he figures RS will be on their side. Which is a much better plan. In fact, I think that’s how they elected Apache Chief in Super Friends:

Meanwhile…back at the Hall of Justice…

Superman: Ugh. God. This is the last time I clean Gleek’s feces off the TroubAlert computer. I mean, the Wonder Twins wanted this stupid monkey. They should be taking care of him. I mean, I’m frikkin’ Superman fer chrissakes.

Wonder Woman: Well, I am not gonna do it. I mean, I’m a girl.

Green Lantern: What? I mean, yeah you are but…

Wonder Woman: But what? But what, Green? Just because I can kick your ass means I am not worthy of gentlemanly gestures?

Green Lantern: Are you still mad about what happened the other night? I never called because I was kind of busy punching the crap out of Solomon Grundy.

Batman: I have an idea. Let’s get that Apache dude over there to do it. I mean, he’s pretty useless otherwise.

Superman: But how? He’s kind of an ass that never helps out.

Batman: But what if we ask him to be our “Chief”? I mean, isn’t that what his people call their leaders?

Robin: Holy offensive stereotype Batman!

Batman: I hate you, Robin.

Aquaman: But I thought I was going to be leader….

Everyone: laughing ass off.

So they hold a vote among the entire camp about who should be the new leader of the tribe. Only the guys all are set to vote for Richard Simmons. Everyone puts their hands behind their backs and are assigned a number. And then everyone has to hold up the number of the person they want to be the new leader. And the guys, of course, all hold up Richard Simmons’ number. And it wasn’t even suspicious. At all. And neither was the fact that the Seavers asked Leonardo DiCaprio to live with them on Growing Pains. Yeah, hey good looking homeless teenager. Would you like to come live with us? No no…nothing untowardly. Come on in.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe members will have to walk out among all of these covered items, each part of a matching pair. And it was basically like Memory. Although of course there was a twist. Each item was a survival-type item. If you make a match, you can either take the point…or take the item. DUH DUH DUH. Though really this only happened once, with Galu taking the fire making stuff and tarp that they matched. And the tribe with the most points gets to go on a boat ride with food and send a member over to the other tribe. And Galu won. Which was surprising. And by “surprising” I mean “not surprising in the least.”

And Richard Simmons chose Laura to go over to the other tribe. Which I commended her for. Because I would have been like, “that girl. With the hair.” Because Laura does nothing is what I am telling you right now.

And over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is already planning for the merge. He takes Laura aside and creates a “secret alliance” with her so that once the tribes merge, they can be like BAM BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING EVEN THOUGH ON MOST SEASONS OF SURVIVOR THIS HAS HAPPENED BOOOOOOOMMMMM THUNDER!!!!!111

And he approached her saying, “I can spot a good Christian anywhere.” Which of course made me think about my own faith and have I really accepted Jesus into my life and whether or not I, myself, have really been a good Christian. Ha…of course it didn’t. It made me think of Ned Flanders.

And this was further reinforced as the Foa Foa tribe was trying to build a fire. Flanders and Natalie sit around the fire talking about some spiritual book that changed their lives….(I don’t know which one it was, but I am guessing it was “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret” because that book totally resonated with me when I was a kid because oh well let’s um…let’s not get into that) And Liz was PO’ed about it. “I don’t really need to hear her and Natalie talking about spiritual book of the months behind my back when I’m trying to get a fire started so that we can eat and drink,” she spewed. She seemed as mad as I get every time one of those Ashton Kutcher Nikon commercials. God, how annoying are those commercials? Its like, “wow, you mean if I buy that camera, I can have a grating, intrusive personality too?” Sign me up. A commercial hasn’t made me NOT want to buy a product since McDonald’s started using those talking Chicken McNuggets. They’re so cute. I can’t wait to dip them in Sweet N’ Sour sauce and ingest them.

And Galu got to go on a boat. And eat. Weren’t you paying attention?

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In this challenge, the tribes had to canoe out the pick up fish-shaped puzzle pieces and then bring those puzzle pieces over and then solve a puzzle. Then they had to puzzle and puzzle til their puzzler was sore.

At the beginning of the challenge, THE FALLEN ANGEL asked Mick why he wasn’t wearing his leadership necklace and Mick replies that its because he thought maybe it was cursed. And I was left regretting I did the whole cursed Tiki thing from the Brady Bunch last week. Oh well. Instead, hey remember the episode of Saved by the Bell where they sell those “Buddy Bands” and Slater, Kelly, and Jesse make this awesome video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nHMth6Ut0s&feature=related). I really can’t add anything to make that video more awesome than it actually is, but once you watch that video, your life will change forever. Trust me.

Hey. They work.

Also, during the challenge, JaiSON appears to have given up on trying anymore. He stops trying to pull in the canoe. He stops trying as they are doing the puzzle. Its painful to watch. Much like when Emily valentine slipped U4EA into Brandon’s drink. Not really because of the whole drug thing, but because it was just so lame but meant to look cool. Remember how they had to exchange an egg to get into the club? Even back then, I didn’t think they looked cool. And I was wearing a neon Bugle Boy T-shirt at the time and listening to Color Me Badd.

So Foa Foa lost…again. And this leads Spacely to a conundrum. On one hand, he feels compelled to vote out Liz. Because that was his original plan and she is annoying and says “book of the months club” instead of “book of the month club.” On the other hand, JaiSON sucks at everything and is a big LAME. Making choices like that is hard. Like just the other day, I had to decide between drinking 3 glasses of whiskey and drinking 4 glasses of whiskey. It was just like that movie Sophie’s Choice. Except more depressing.

At Tribal Council, JaiSON freely admits that its his fault they are losing challenges. Which doesn’t make it any less terrible. It’d be like if David Schwimmer was like “Hey, I admit it. I am a boring character who doesn’t add anything to the ensemble and instead I just sort of mope around and say everything in the same tone and everything I say makes you want to punch yourself in the ears just so you won’t have to deal with my monotone complaints and defeatist attitude. And for that, I apologize.” It wouldn’t make watching Ross any more enjoyable.

Wait a tick. Complaining? Defeatist attitude? Monotone awfulness? Congratulations JaiSON. You have just become Ross Gellar.

Anywhat, in the end…everyone decides that Liz’s shrillness is harder to take than Ross Gellar’s losingness. And they vote out Liz. The end.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE VI: THE BERENSTAIN BEARS AND THE, AHEM, PLEASANT SURPRISE

2009-10-29T08:55:00.000-04:00

So, this episode was billed as one of the “craziest most insane out of your mind psycho killer Norman Bates MY PRODUCER SLAM SHARP LIKE BAM JUMP ON STAGE AND THEN I DAH-DAHHHMMMM” ahem episode in the history of shows about people living on islands. Well, besides that episode of Gilligan’s Island when that ape got loose and tried to make the sex with Mrs. Howell. Oh, and that episode of Lost where things that were unexplainable happened and the story really didn’t move forward but instead the writers just threw a bunch of stuff that didn’t make sense at people to mask the fact that they really weren’t sure of the direction they wanted to take the show because audiences tire of sci-fi shows that don’t have space captains having sex with aliens pretty quickly.

I HAZ MAK NO SENS,

The episode started with everyone in Foa Foa really unhappy about the rain. Well, everyone except Mr. Spacely. He says that this is the game he came to play – he didn’t come here for a vacation, he came to be tested. He claims this “makes him stronger.” And here I thought he got his power from a diet of misery, deep-fried and dipped in Ranch dressing. Goes to show you you can’t believe everything you make up when Comcast cancels your Internet subscription because you spent all your money on Girls Gone Wild DVDs.

Over at Galu, Russell was dealing with the rain by sitting out in it and fishing and looking off into the sea contemplatively. Which is kind of like what I do to handle adversity. Except replace “sitting out in the rain” with “huddled in the closet” and replace “fishing” with “sobbing uncontrollably” and replace “looking off into the sea contemplatively” with “chugging Boone’s Farm and sucking down raw cookie dough like it was a stick of Tamiflu and I had just spent a week in Mexico getting a first-hand look at the Ham-making process.”

And everyone is noticing that Russell is pushing himself too hard. They think he is endangering his health because of his drive. Which is a lot different than what people probably tell Nick Hogan – that he is endangering other’s health because of his driving. What? Did I just go there? Hey, have you heard the latest joke about current events in the news these days? Michael Jackson??

Back at Foa Foa, Mick is dealing with the inclement weather a little differently. To stay as dry as possible, Mick has curled himself up into a little ball and ducked into a hole in a nearby tree. Which reminded me of the Berenstain Bears. And, I don’t know, those bears raise a lot of questions. So, you got Mama Bear and Papa Bear. Are those, like, their actual names? Did their parents name them “Mama” and “Papa”? What if Papa wanted to remain a lifelong bachelor and Mama wanted to pursue her career instead of wearing a shower cap and raising children? Their parents sort of left them no choice….unless they were being ironic. And then there is Sister and Brother. Which I guess is ok…until, of course, they had a 3rd kid. They must have really been stressing about that one. So, they ended up naming her Honey. Brother, Sister, and Honey? This poor kid. How can she go through life not thinking she was an accident?

Maybe they named her Honey because they were planning on eating her.

But the rain has to stop at some point, right? And it does. And over at Galu, everyone is psyched about the rainbow the rain has left behind. I don’t know why. Because behind every rainbow lies a miserly, murderous Leprechaun and those guys are just no good. Like this one time, I was eating Lucky Charms and about to bite into a red balloon and who should show up, but Lucky. And he’s pissed, right. Because according to him, ‘Red Balloons have never been considered lucky, FAITH AND BEGORRAH!” And I am all, “whatever dude, I am eating this thing.’ And he’s all, “ERIN GO BRAGH!!” And then he jumps on my back and starts beating me mercilessly with a SHILLELAGH!” Then I stepped back for a minute. And I realized that I should probably stop replacing the milk in my cereal with Everclear. And stop replacing the cereal in my cereal with LSD.

The lovers. The dreamers. And meeeeeeeeeeee!

Then comes the Reward challenge. And MEPHISTOPHELES explains that in it, one person from each tribe will be put into a sphere and rolled around like Richard Pryor in The Toy by two blindfolded tribe members. The sphere will be rolled over to a Labyrinth table where the person in the sphere will have to direct the blindfolded ones to maneuver a ball to a finish line. First tribe to do so wins. Then THE DEVIL drops this bomb – both tribes are going to council tonight and voting someone off. However, the winning tribe gets to sit in on the other tribe’s council and eat pizza in front of them. Hey, anyone order a large with pepperoni and HOLY FRAK WHAT IN THE WORLD YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND??

So, the challenge starts…for Foa Foa, its Liz in the sphere with Spacely and JaiSON pushing and for Galu, its Laura in the sphere with Russell and Erik pushing. And right away, it does seem like Russell is struggling. He’s winded. He’s staggering. He’s all ‘this test counts for 80 percent of our grade you know” and “But I like taking the stairs, cuz they’re FUN!”

Oh, Fatty McGee. You’re the fattest!

Then each tribe makes it to their table. And Russell basically collapses. He falls to his knees and his head rests on his table. And everyone is yelling at him to wake up. We are even treated to shots of LUCIFER pretending to care. And, finally, he calls the challenge and sends in the medical team. And the scene was pretty scary. It went something like this:

Medical Person: Oy, Put another shrimp on the bahbie mate. This one’s as out of it as a dingo who just ate a baby. Mate.

Russell: (eyes closed, no response)

Medical Person: Kangaroos and Koalas!!! I’m as scared a walkabout wallaby.

Russell: (eyes open, still no response. Looks like Cameron Frye when he was pretending to be catatonic so he could watch Sloan get changed by the pool)

Medical Person: That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

Russell: ……..

Medical Person: Foster’s. Australian for Medical Care.

They were from Australia is what I am telling you now.

And it was pretty scary, as I said. Even scarier than that episode of Webster where Webster found that secret room behind the clock in the house that George and Ma’am were looking at and then he went into it and found that rocking chair with the mannequin he thought was the previous owner’s dead daughter’s ghost. What the crud? That show was messed up. Remember the one about the teacher who was a child molester. And remember the fact that Webster didn’t even know his parents were dead until like the middle of the first season. Is that show on DVD?

So, the challenge is called, nobody wins reward, and everyone is sent back to their camps. Except of course Russell because he sucks at remaining conscious.

And I really felt bad for Russell. I mean, he tried hard and it looked like he was going home. He seemed pretty broken up about it and was saying how his family always expects him to be the “strong one” and that he was letting them down. It was heartbreaking. Then he cried. So I called him a wuss and sent letters to his house reminding him to wear his prettiest frilly dress on Saturday for his tea party with his Miss Squeeze-A-Lot Doll and Mr. Fuzzycakes the Bear.

Back at the Foa Foa camp, the whole tribe is feeling like they are cursed because, just when they are about to actually win a challenge, the challenge is called on account of an injury. But that’s, of course, not the only reason they think they’re cursed. Also, Greg had a pretty bad wipeout while he was surfing. And Alice hurt her back taking a hula lesson. Oh, and Bobby sat on a ukulele. And then that spider crawled out of Jan’s bag. Then, Vincent Price.

At Galu, people are scrambling. Richard Simmons and Monica both think the vote could be coming down to them tonight. Richard Simmons doesn’t really understand this because Monica is so bad at everything. And Monica doesn’t understand because she looks better in a bikini than Richard Simmons. And the guys on the tribe seem to be leaning towards voting Monica out. And Richard Simmons approaches them about it. And she, being Richard Simmons, is all loud about it while the guys are telling her to keep it cool. So, she says ok…and she tries to bump fists with Erik to “lock it up.” Erik informs her that bumping fists locks nothing up. Seriously? I better look back over my mortgage now.

So, both tribes meet at Tribal Council. And THE DEVIL INCARNATE informs everyone that dealing with Russell was the scariest moment he has ever encountered on the show. Even scarier than the time Webster crawled into…huh? A few paragraphs ago. No way…you guys are ly…well, shut my mouth. I must have blacked out. Sorry about that. That’s the last time I replace the milk in my cer…hm? I quit.

Then PRINCE OF DARKNESS tells everyone that no one will be going home tonight because Russell will not be returning to camp. And Foa Foa tells Galu that they will now start beating them in challenges. Galu, of course, was not really intimidated by this since Foa Foa is bad at anything that requires skill. Or luck. Or winning.

Until next time,Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE V: SEA SLUG GUTS, PUNKY BREWSTER, AND LOTS OF PAINFUL MEMORIES…JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

2009-10-20T13:40:00.001-04:00

Hey everybody. Welcome to yet another late installment of the Survivor: Samoa newsletter. I once again apologize for the delayed delivery of this all-important “news” but its been a hectic couple of weeks. For example, last Friday I had to watch House of 1000 Corpses AND eat leftover pizza. I made it through, but sometimes some things have to go by the wayside. Like this newsletter. And my hygiene.

Anywhich, this week’s episode begain with Galu coming back from tribal council and Richard Simmons feeling like she was on the outside because she was the only one who wrote Monica’s name down while everyone else voted out CHOMP-CHOMP. Yep, Pac-Man’s dog. Meh, why not? So yeah, she already hated her tribe but now she feels like she is a total outcast. Which, of course, is nothing new for Richard Simmons. I don’t think you run around with an afro and striped short shorts sweating to oldies to quote-unquote fit in. Nope. You do what I do. You drink a whole ton and then try to recite Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” routine with your pants around your ankles. I was the life of the party that night. I mean, sure, everyone acted like they didn’t dig my vibe, but its not like they can just come right out and say they are having a great time at a hearing to determine custody. Oh. Don’t worry. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t even know those people. I think the Dad’s name was Ted. He seemed like a great guy once you got past the schizophrenia. I hope he and his kids…and the out-of-work magician living inside his brain…are getting along swimmingly.

Oh, and she is totally right. Monica, for example, is not happy about Richard Simmons writing her name down. Her plan is to vote off Richard Simmons next. So, yeah, she is an outsider. To confirm this, Ponyboy and Dallas showed up and told her that they were planning on “doing it for Johnny” and then sneaking into the drive-in to flirt with “Cherry” Valance before having a turf war with a bunch of square Socs. See…the Outsiders are the heroes because they don’t conform and they commit crime. The Socs are the villains because they have money and get good grades. The bastards.

The next morning, at Foa Foa, Mick arrives with treemail that seems to indicate a “gross food challenge” that involves food from the sea. And then, some idiot is like, “maybe its shrimp.” Yeah, and maybe these people will prove to be valuable members of society. Frakkin moron.

Ashley thinks that since she is an experimental eater, she probably has an advantage. Hey Ashley, I think this is gonna be a lot different than the time you and your friends got drunk and ordered the fried pickles at the Ground Round. “Ooooooh….fried pickles y’all. Those sound crazy. No way am I gonna eat those. Huh? You’re a chicken bitch! Fine whatevs. I’ll eat them.” 5 seconds later. “Dang these are good. I love my friends. I just changed my Facebook status to ‘eating fried pickles.’ I bet Jeremy is gonna read that and be all ‘what?’ Hahahahaha. Its so great how we are all so funny. But only to each other.”

Sometimes I just honestly mash the keyboard with my palm and hope for the best.

Liz disagreed with Ashley, spreading the word that she was going to be bad at this challenge. Even more premature than when Henry told Punky he could get her Cubs tickets because he was good friends with Ernie Banks. Turned out he just took pictures at Ernie’s 2nd cousin’s wedding in 1962 and Ernie asked Henry where the dip was. Oh Henry…you old idiot. Actually, though, he still somehow got through to Ernie just by calling Wrigley Field and asking for him. Remember when anything was possible in the 80’s? Remember the McRib?

How about that? 5 episodes in and this is only my first reference to Punky Brewster. And I didn’t even beat a dead horse. Just one simple, beautiful paragraph. I mean, I could have totally gone into how the ticket scalper, Lenny the Loop, was played by the guy who played Mauser in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and then talked about the scene where they replaced his shampoo with glue and MAUSER WOWSER!!!111

Damn. I blew it.

Mr. Spacely is also not happy about the scrambling Liz is doing before the challenge to get everyone against Ashley because, and I quote, “As soon as I see somebody playing that mind game on some other people, they’re a huge threat because that’s what this game is all about is mind games. And I’ve got to be the only mind game player here.” Word on that. Like, in my house, I want to be the only mind game player. So last week, my son and I were playing Chutes and Ladders and I landed on that wicked long chute at the top of the board that sent me way back in the game. I wasn’t gonna stand for that, so I lit the board on fire and sent him to bed with no supper. I know some of you may think that’s a little harsh. But if I don’t expose him to this now, he is just gonna grow up with a sense of entitlement. I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t set the Chutes and Ladders board on fire.

Next up – GROSS FOOD IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!!!111LOLZZZ

I really do love these challenges. In this one, EVIL ON TWO LEGS has a roulette type thing in front of him. One member from each tribe throws a ball in and wherever they land, those are the ingredients LUCIFER will use as smoothie ingredients in his blender of death. Each time someone downs the drink, they score a point for their tribe. First tribe to five points wins meat – steaks and sausages and what not. Because there is nothing I would want more after slurping down sea slug guts than a nice juicy steak. Served on a dirty ashtray.

Up first – Richard Simmons and JaiSON. The balls land on “Giant Clams” and “Jeff’s Choice.” Of course, being BEELZEBUB, he chooses to add some octopus tentacles and sea snails. Mr. Spacely and OTHER RUSSELL down some milk jellyfish. Not to be confused with milk steak. Some of you got that joke. And for that, I commend you. Mick and Brett drink some giant clams and sea cucumbers. You know its something when sea cucumbers actually sound like the most appetizing thing on the menu. Monica and Liz down some sea noodles and urchin. Then comes Ashley and Dave. They get…sea slug guts mixed with water. And both of them have trouble with this one – though Dave finishes and then taunts Ashley by telling her about the time he “mixed up all this fake puke at home. And then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony. And then. And then, I made a noise like this – HURRRLLLLLL! HURRRLLLLL!!! And then I dumped it over the side. All over all the people in the audience. Then. Th-th-this was horrible. All the people started getting’ sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.”

Heh…ok he didn’t do that. But his sister did.

Anyways, Ashley ends up not being able to make it and goes to the bush to vomit. Just like Liz predicted. She must know Dionne Warwick.

So, that meant that Galu won the challenge and got to take home the meat. Now, they also got to send someone over to Foa Foa and this person could not partake in the sausage festival they were going to be enjoying. Russell chooses Richard Simmons to go over there and RS is none too happy about it, since she went over after the last challenge. But really, Russell had a pretty good reason for doing it. I mean, he had to pick someone and she did let the chicken get away last week. So, I thought this was a fitting punishment. Although I also thought my punishment for spilling paint in the garage when I was a little kid was fair too. You see that? About the size of a cigar. DO I STUTTER!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to fix a turkey pot pie.

NO DAD WHAT ABOUT YOU YELLLLZZZZ!!!!!

When Richard Simmons arrives at Foa Foa, everyone comes together for a big group hug. And it was touching much in the way the end of Mac and Me was touching when all the aliens became American citizens, which is to say it was not touching at all but rather creepy and awkward.

Ashley, feeling bad about her performance at the reward challenge, confides in Natalie and says she is like a sister to her. Which prompted me to yell at the TV, “Then kiss her already.” And my wife says, “Why would they kiss if they were siblings?” And then I say, “Well, Luke and Leia kissed.” And then my wife says, “Well, yeah, but that was before they knew they were brother and sister.” And then I say, “they kissed after that.” And then she says, “No they didn’t.” And then I say, “Well, they did in my fan-fiction story…Look.” And then she didn’t say much after that. It looked like she was trying to call someone though. I could only make out the first numbers – “9” and “1” – then the phone was disconnected. By me.

The end.

Over at Galu, people seem super happy about meat…which reminds me of a story I can’t tell here.

But, this being Survivor, happiness is always fading. And Russell and Dave start fighting over the fire. Dave thinks Russell is doing a bad job starting the fire, so he starts openly berating him and acting all pissy. Then Russell is all like, “I’m not in the mood for suggestions. I’m in the mood for help.” Russell wants action. Tonight. Satisfaction all night. Then he grabbed his hat. And he grabbed his shoes. Tonight he’s gonna hit the streets and cruise.

Hm?

Over at Foa Foa, tensions are also flaring up as Liz accuses Mr. Spacely of having the hidden immunity idol even though everyone else thinks Cletus took it with him when he was voted off. “I’m telling you. You’re lying to me,” Liz says. And Spacely tells her that she is now, in fact, walking on thin ice now. And of course, we all know he is lying to her. Which makes me think Liz is in fact a total psychic. Like Miss Cleo. Or the Cosmic Muffin.

Then, the rains came. And it rained. And it rained. And it didn't quit for four months. They been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.

I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.

Then came the immunity challenge. And in it, one man and one woman from each tribe have to hold a rope connected to a basket. And the other members of the tribes had to throw coconuts into the baskets to make them heavier. And the tribe with the last person standing wins immunity. The highlights? Miss Cleo made a valiant effort while Ashley proved to be as good at basketball as a pre-wolf Michael J. Fox.

And thus, of course, Foa Foa loses.

And then came an interesting scene. Typically, before a tribal council, the tribe heading there is scrambling, with everyone trying to plan and stragerize. But, because of the rain, Foa Foa was forced to huddle together and talk openly. I, of course, expected this to bring them closer together, much like when Mallory and Skippy were locked in the basement together and they learned to appreciate one another more on Family Ties. Or when Archie and Mike were locked together in the storeroom of Archie’s bar and learned to appreciate one another more on All in the Family. Or when Joey and Drue were locked in the storage closet together and learned to appreciate each other more on Dawson’s Creek.

Anyways, TV lies. And instead, everyone seemed pretty annoyed with the situation and decided to go in with no strategies in hand, just voting for whoever they thought they should vote for. And this isn’t the first time TV has led me astray. For example, I looked through the wallets of every FedEx guy that came to my doorstep and not one of them had a wife as hot as Leah Remini. The funny part? After I brought all of their bodies down to the basement to put them in the furnace, I mistakenly locked the door behind us. We ended up spending a few hours together and I really learned to appreciate them more. Then, of course, I had to do what I had to do so there were no witnesses. But it all ended happily, because one of them was delivering a Wii to some needy kids. Long story short. That Wii Fit is really helping me lose weight.

At tribal, there was some disagreement on who to vote out. Some thought it should be who does the worst at challenges while others think it should be the one who is least trustworthy. I, meanwhile, think it should be the one who posseses demonic soothsaying powers. I am looking at you, Liz.

In the end, sucking at challenges wins out and we say goodbye to Ashley and her nose ring. No worries, I am sure the nose ring will be back, along with B.U.M. equipment shirts and Del Amitri.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE IV: C’MON YOU KNOW WHAT REACH TOOTHBRUSH COMMERCIALS I AM TALKING ABOUT

2009-10-13T20:59:00.002-04:00

What is being up, peeps? Are people still saying “peeps”? Speaking of peeps…Once, when I was visiting New York, I went to this place called ‘Peep World’ near Penn Station and I visited the so-called ‘peep booths’ in the back. Yeah, let’s just say they were sorely lacking in delicious chick-shaped marshmallow treats. Talk about false advertising.

And what is the deal with airplane food?

So, the show started last night with Foa Foa treading familiar ground back from tribal council. JaiSON just seemed deflated and worn down. “I came here to have an adventure, but frankly, I right now believe that coming here was the worst decision I have made in my entire life,” he said. You know, I think I said that same exact thing to the police when I broke into that nursing home back in ’98. Oh well, I bet I gave them a great story to tell their grandkids if they EVER FIND THE TIME TO VISIT. Ungrateful little monsters.

Mr. Spacely attempts to comfort JaiSON by telling him if they win the next challenge everything will be hunky-dory, but JaiSON wasn’t receptive to his comforting ways. This, of course, prompts Spacely to say JaiSON is next to be voted off. Damn, Spacely is a fickle son of a gun, eh? He turned on JaiSON faster than that monkey turned on that wheelchair dude in Monkey Shines. How great is it that they made a movie about a helper monkey gone crazy? What a country. In America, the car drives you. What?

And back at Galu? Richard Simmons is wishing she was on Foa Foa. After she spent time over there, RS is now seeing her tribe as a bunch of…wait for it…Ga-losers. Be careful what you wish for, Richard Simmons. This reminds me of the time in The Brady Bunch when Mike wanted to be the Mom and Carol wanted to be the Dad. Mike had to help Marcia earn her cooking badge while Carol had to give the boys baseball tips. A man? Cooking? And a woman? Giving baseball tips? Since when did The Brady Bunch become science fiction? Right? Am I right? Now, go baseball…score a home goal!!11

Then Erik (??) approaches Richard Simmons and says, “look, if there is a hidden immunity idol over there, I am sure there is one over here in the same spot” and then he gets Richard Simmons to tell him and John the clues she read over at Foa Foa. She says, “That can do nothing but help me going forward…and maybe it won’t. Maybe it will hurt me, but we’ll see.” It’s a good plan. Much in the way it was a good plan on the part of Patrick Dempsey to work as a pizza delivery boy/male prostitute to get his girlfriend back. How preposterous is that? Believe me, its crazy preposterous. The summer I worked at Domino’s, I tried it too…first time someone ordered “extra anchovies” I delivered the pizza in my robe. Turned out it was a bunch of dudes playing Dungeons & Dragons in their mother’s basement. I left there that night betrothed to a Cave Troll and covered in Doritos dust. And that’s all I am gonna say about that.

Over at Foa Foa, JaiSON grabs the treemail which instructs the leader to select two members of his tribe to join him for an unknown challenge. Mick chooses Mr. Spacely for his brute strength and Natalie for her “puzzle-solving skills.” Natalie. For her puzzle-solving skills. If any of you watched this show, you would understand how comical that is. It’d be like choosing Dina Lohan for her parenting skills. Or Tonya Harding for her good sportsmanship. Or Plaxico Burress for his responsible handling of firearms.

But whatever. They head out and meet the Galu team – Russell, Dave and Richard Simmons. And on the beach they see a closed chest and a crate full of chickens. And both tribes are just standing there. Both tribes on opposite ends of the beach just sort of waiting for instructions and not doing anything. Just standing there. Silent. It felt a lot like one of my junior high dances. Except replace chickens with punch and chips and replace closed chest with a heightened level of self-consciousness and burgeoning, confusing hormones covered in a Champion sweatshirt, turtleneck, Skidz, and a whole bottle of Drakkar.

Then, each group starts talking amongst themselves. “Should we just start grabbing stuff?” asks Russell. “I say we just make a mad dash,” says Mr. Spacely. “My cat’s breath smells like cat food,” says Natalie. Then Natalie lunges for the chickens and Richard Simmons follows suit. And they each grab a couple chickens. The others open the mystery crate and read the instructions within. And they have to return the chickens. And Richard Simmons did so carrying her chicken by the middle of its neck in a humiliating fashion. Which I thought was unnecessary. Also unnecessary? That awful Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. movie.

Movie exec #1: “Hey, Ace Ventura did really well. And I think we probably don’t need to even pay Jim Carey to do another one. Sure, he was zany and what not and really did a lot of funny things, but I think people really bought tickets because of the story. Who doesn’t love a good missing pet story?”

Movie exec #2: I don’t know. Jim Carey was really a big part, wasn’t he?

Movie exec #1: Come on. Everyone loves a good stolen pet yarn. In fact, I bet anyone could play this part. Even, say, an annoying little fat kid. And I haven’t even told you the best part. I made it about a missing panda, so in the ad – we can say its…OHMIGOD THIS IS AMAZING…”panda-monium!!!”

Movie exec #2: This idea is so great I want to have sex with it.

Later…

Movie exec #1: My Dark Lord, I have done what you have asked me. I have gotten not only Ace Ventura Jr. greenlit, but also that new Sandra Bullock movie and Michael Strahan’s television series. Armageddon is upon us…oh, and I also got Armageddon greenlit for you.

SATAN: MUAHAHAHAHA! With Dane Cook’s popularity in place, we need to strike before people realize yelling awful punchlines do not make them any less awful. Unleash Hell!

And scene.

Turns out the challenge was to be Bocce ball. In it, well you know how Bocce ball works. And in a thrilling last-minute Bocce ball throw, Galu won. Again. And they get to keep the chickens. Richard Simmons frothed at the mouth predictably.

Back at Galu camp, Erik has everyone doing odd jobs so he can focus on searching for the hidden idol. And he finds it…yet he still remains boring. Moving on.

Not boring? Richard Simmons. When they all return with the chickens, RS decides she will take care of the chickens because she is a “country girl.” Then she proceeded to cluck at the chickens so she could communicate with them. Literally, she got down on her knees and clucked in at them in their crate to make them comfortable. She says, and I quote, “The Survivor chickens will know Shambo and they will give me eggs in turn because I will be kind to them.” CHICKEN LADY LOVES LIFE YEAH!!!11 THESE ARE THE DAVES I KNOW I KNOW I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD CANADIANS!!11

Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is having a bit of trouble with JaiSON being his right-hand man. So, he is considering picking someone else to be at his side. God, Spacely is so fickle when it comes to things like this. I mean, how many times did he make George a Vice President only to decide in less than a half hour (twenty minutes with commercials) George should go back to his low-level button-pushing job.

So, he approaches Natalie to make sure their partnership is still strong. He tells her she needs to stick with him and he will take her to the final two. Be careful Natalie. Your judgement in men has always been suspect. Like that time you lost your virginity to Snake Robinson even though he had already taken Jennifer Jason Leigh’s in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Get it? Because the same guy who played Snake Robinson played Damone on Fast Times. Yeah, Snake on The Facts of Life. The guy she lost her virginity to. Ugh, I AM LOSER.

Then, over at Galu, while she is retrieving eggs, Richard Simmons lets one of the chickens out. THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED she screams. Then they all ran around like crazy trying to catch the thing. In fact, Erik was running so fast, he was clotheslined. By an actual clothesline. And that wasn’t all. Then he was scissor kicked by an actual pair of scissors. Then he was put in a half-nelson by Gunnar Nelson. Get it? So, did that one make up for that whole Facts of Life fiasco from before up there.

Then, later on, Kelly is a bit annoyed with Yasmin because she just expects her to pour her coconut milk out of a coconut she’s been chopping at forever. Then Kelly goes and complains to Laura and Monica about oh my God none of you know who any of these people are, huh? Hey, remember that show My Two Dads about how funny it is to have unprotected sex?

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it each tribe had to grab boxes and stack them and blah blah blah. It was about as exciting as a box-stacking challenge could ever be. The only thing of note was Natalie’s unfortunate decision to wear pants. It showed a lack of solidarity with the rest of her bikini-wearing mates. And it showed a lack of interest in watching any longer. By me.

Oh, also Foa Foa won their first challenge sending Galu to tribal council FOR THE FIRST TIME OH MI GAWD I CANT CONTROL MYSELF!!!1111 I haven’t been this excited since Anthrax guest-starred on Married…With Children.

So, at Galu, it seems to be coming down to two possible candidates for elimination – Monica and Yasmin. Some are pointing at Monica because of her poor performance at the Immunity Challenge and some are pointing at Yasmin because of her attempted coconut milk theft. And Yasmin was trying to convince Richard Simmons they were going to vote her off because of letting the chickens out. Well, at least I think that was what she was saying. I was hiding behind my couch because Yasmin has a huge mouth and I thought she was going to swallow me whole. Seriously, it looks like if she opened wide enough, she would look like that cartoon head from those Reach toothbrush commercials.

At Tribal Council, there is some dissention within the group about what should influence a “vote out” decision. Some think it should be based on poor performance. Others think it should be based on who does least around camp. I think it should be based on whether or not the person looks like they could swallow the entire Indian Ocean. And, apparently, the majority agreed with me, because they voted out Yasmin. Bye big mouth.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR EPISODE III: BETTER LATE THAN ENJOYABLE TO READ…WAIT. WHAT?

2009-10-06T14:23:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone. Sorry about the delay in writing the newsletter this week, but work got in the way. No worries though…I quit my job. I figure writing this for you guys every week is worth it. Plus, I can finally focus on my true passion – macramé Smurf wallets. I am just finishing my first one…it’s a picture of Papa Smurf at a computer and it says ‘My Smurfbook status is: Smurfy.” Heh. Score one for the good guys! I don’t really know what that last sentence even meant, but whatever. Its been almost a week since the last episode. I need filler.

So, the episode opens on the Foa Foa tribe and JaiSON is very upset with the way Cletus was laying into Yasmin the day before when he called her “ghetto trash.” The thing JaiSON doesn’t understand is, for Cletus, ghetto trash is a compliment. In fact, his very next sentence was, “If I’m a gonna win that million, I am a gonna buy me a pair a new blue jeans and put up some new Christmas lights in my trailer – Those ones shaped like Jalapeno Peppers. I am gonna be so ghetto trash!” Then he married his cousin and punched a grease pig. His opinion should be taken with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you now.

After that, Mr. Spacely approached Natalie about who she was going to vote out, but Natalie informed him she would wait and see based on what unfolded that day. Then she started talking about the time Blair read her diary and they had to institute all these privacy rules, like “No reading over someone else’s shoulder” and then she neglected to tell Blair about her botched chemistry experiment, causing it to spill all over Mrs. Garrett and make her stink right before her big presentation. Filler, man.

Then Mr. Spacely said, “This might be the worst group in history, and I might be the best. I’m gonna have them all under control like zombies walking around.” Which made me think of the fact that I saw that Zombieland movie this weekend and it led me to decree, “Zombies are like the bacon of movies. They make everything better.” So, I’d like to start that…”_____is like the bacon of _____” For example, “Cowbell is like the bacon of music” or “Scarlett Johansson is like the bacon of anything possible.”

Later that day, Cletus tried to help his tribemates by instructing them how to use a flint. When Mick tried to use it, however, he failed miserably. Much like me in that last paragraph when I tried to make something out of an inane zombie comment.

Meanwhile, over at Galu for 2 of the five seconds they got shown in this episode, a bunch of people we don’t know because Foa Foa’s awfulness at everything has shifted the focus dramatically are doing yoga. And Richard Simmons is not happy. “Screw yoga!” she says. Probably because the influx of yoga and other more holistic exercise routines have made extinct people’s need for Sweating to Oldies and card-based diet initiatives. But don’t lose heart, RS…the world still loves to watch fat people whine – just look at the success of The Biggest Loser. And More to Love. And Michael Moore.

Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely tells Cletus that Ashley wanted to vote him out at the last tribal council. He does this to “stir the pot.” Then, of course, like the monosyllabic dolt that he is, Cletus falls for the trap and goes and starts some mess with Ashley. Meanwhile, Mr. Spacely says to us, “You plant that little seed in their head, in their little brain, and then it grows, and it’s called a Russell seed. It takes over their whole mind, so that makes it easy for me to manipulate every single one of them.” Since I am fighting every urge in my body to make an inappropriate joke, I will instead opt to do a series of locker jokes from noted Canadian television masterpiece You Can’t Do That on Television:

Alistair: (opening locker) Hey Moose.

Moose: (opening locker) Yes Alistair?

Alistair: Did you hear that Mr. Spacely said some crazy crap just now about taking over other people’s minds?

Moose: He did?

Alistair: Yeah, I heard he’s trying to sublet his in the meantime, but the building inspector had it condemned.

Moose: (rolls eyes; closes locker)

Alistair: (closes locker)

Alanis: (opens locker) Hey Wyatt!

Wyatt: (opens locker) Yes Alanis?

Alanis: Did you know that men are evil scum that should be punished for everything THEY DID TO ME!!!!??? I’m here to remind you. Of the mess you made when you went away.

Wyatt: (closes locker; calls 911)

What do you think’s in the burgers??

Back at Galu, they receive treemail. And in it, they find swimsuits for everyone. Obviously, Mark Burnett realizes that there is a plethora of attractive women on here. And they know it too. Because the three girls – Monica, Kelly, and Yasmin – decide to pose like Charlie’s Angels. Of course, Richard Simmons is also on the tribe. I guess she’s Bosley.

Next up was another combo Immunity/Reward challenge. And its also another “beat the crap out of the other tribe” challenge. In it, each tribe has to send two people out at a time to retrieve these crates to be stacked in a Rubik’s cube sort of thing. However, getting to the crates would be a challenge as each tribe had to employ a defender that could tackle the crate retrievers. Remember in the 80’s when, on the heels of the success of Trans-Robots, every toy got its own cartoon? Well, this was even true for Rubik. Yep, they slapped a creepy blue face on him and gave him special powers and BAM – cartoon. It made sense to me. I mean, I remember sitting there, peeling the stickers off my Rubik’s cube saying, “Gosh, this thing is so cute…I wish it had a backstory that involved an evil magician and I wish Menudo would sing the theme song. And…and I wish that my Ram-Man figure would come to life and beat up all the kids that made fun of me. And I wish that my Teddy Ruxpin could tell my Grandpa that I don’t want to massage his feet. The 80’s - a decade where every social recluse’s dream can come true. Well, not every one – I mean, aside from the Rubik’s cube/Menudo thing, the rest were only true in my sketch pad.

So, yeah…a lot of people beat up a lot of other people. But in the end, guess who won. C’mon guess. Foa Foa? Congratulations. You are officially a big huge idiot.

Of course Galu won.

And after they won, THE PRINCE OF UNHOLY FIRE asked Grover to join him because he had a choice to make. He has to choose between a comfort reward (pillows, blankets, and towels) and a function reward, consisting of a tarp, pots, and fishing gear. He chose comfort. Therefore, Grover is dumb. And this led me to proclaim to my children that they cannot watch Sesame Street anymore. To which my oldest said, “Daddy, you already told us we couldn’t watch that show because Big Bird reminded you of this blazing yellow phoenix you once saw on an aspid trip.” To which I replied, “No no…acid trip Son. Acid trip.” Kids are so precious.

Oh, and Grover sends Richard Simmons over to observe the other tribe. And they love her. Because she is super positive. And she tells Mick that they call him McDreamy over at the Galu. I wish my name was Mick. No, not because I’d like to be called McDreamy. I would prefer McDLT. Cool head and hot on the bottom. That’s what I would say. When girls would ask me why they call me McDLT. I would say that. In a perfect world. Sad face.

Also, Richard Simmons refers to her other tribe members as the “90210 clique.” Which I would think was a compliment. Unless you were, of course, the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. Or the Scott-the-kid-who-shot-himself of the group.

Also, cbs.com says that Richard Simmons called them the “90210 click.” OMFG!!!!!1111CBS.COM IS SO PWNED!!!!!!!!!1TTL N00BS!!!!!111111111111

As tribal council looms, JaiSON is sticking to his plan of voting out Cletus. He says that he plans to leave if they don’t go with him and vote out Cletus. Such a baby. I once tried the same thing. I got in a fight with my brother because I wanted to watch Strawberry Short..I mean Baseball and I told my mom if she didn’t sell my brother on the black market, I would totally leave home. Well, she obviously heard me, because next thing I know, I wake up tied to a door handle in the back of a painter’s van. I was pretty upset about it then, but it taught me a tough lesson – how to kill a man with only a popsicle stick, a little bit of ingenuity, and a lot of moxie.

Mr. Spacely still wants to vote out Ashley so he decides to ensure Mick is with him by showing him his hidden immunity idol. This makes Mick trust Mr. Spacely more and Mr. Spacely thinks he has another vote for Ashley locked in. Mr. Spacely then says, “It’s simple. I was born for this. This is what God made me for.” Its great when you have realizations like that. For example, just last weekend I bought a package of Double-Stuf Oreos on Saturday. By Monday, they were gone. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. Even better than the time I saved my friend Cassandra’s grandfather’s house by winning the annual Regatta and besting Teddy Beckerstead and I drew crazy cartoons that came to life and my friend George got stuck in the sand under this guy who ate a whole can of chili on the beach and DOG FROM MARS DOG FROM MARS. Man, that was one crazy summer.

Getting closer to tribal council, JaiSON continues to make his case, despite everyone saying that they need Cletus to win challenges. Even though Cletus has done nothing in any of these challenges besides get kicked out of them. He contributes less to the success of his team than Lucas did. Yeah, Lucas. As we headed into tribal, Mr. Spacely says that he really wants to keep these guys’ trust, so he says he is thinking of voting out Cletus.

At tribal, JaiSON confronts Cletus about calling Yasmin “ghetto trash” and BEELZEBUB gives him a chance to apologize. Of course, he does not. Because he’s an “outlaw”…much like the Frito Bandito – yeah, he was an outlaw, but really when your only crime is stealing delicious Fritos corn chips, how intimidating do you think you really are. Though it is crazy he carried a gun. Man, he really loved his corn chips.

So, upon refusing to apologize, Cletus sealed his fate it seems. He received all the votes except one, making him the third person voted out of Survivor:Samoa. It’s a good thing Moonshine thrives in a recession.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE II: BATTLE OF THE BULGE AND BY BULGE I MEAN SHAZZAN’S GUT

2009-09-25T11:53:00.001-04:00

So, Survivor continues to surprise me with its high level of entertainment and low level of suckitude. Typically, once a show goes downhill, it keeps on sliding. Like Happy Days after Fonzie started hanging out with that little chick from Poltergeist. Or Saved by the Bell after they started attending college. Or Laverne & Shirley after they moved to California. So, Laverne and Shirley move to California and everyone else follows? Frank, Edna, Lenny, Squiggy, AND the Big Ragu? Totally makes sense. Almost makes as much sense as the fact that both Laverne and Shirley seemed to have been seen as attractive by the men on that show. I mean, they even dated the Fonz. THE FONZ!!11 They were no Pinky Tuscadero, that’s for sure.

Anyyyyyways.

The show started with Foa Foa coming back from tribal council and Mr. Spacely bragging about the fact that he was instrumental in voting off Marisa. “She’s a strong woman, and I can’t have that,” he notes. Which I guess I understand. I mean, Mrs. Spacely is always on his case about something or another. Like when they played the Jetsons on Family Fallout and lost, despite Mrs. Spacely pushing Mr. Spacely to cheat to win. Well, they sort of lost. The Jetsons won a new Foodarackacycle (I just googled to make sure I spelled it right…and I did. I am teh awesome) for sure, but the Spacely’s won a lifetime supply of Cogswell Cogs. OH THE IRONY!!!!!!111

So, after that, Mr. Spacely approaches Betsy to talk to her about why she didn’t vote alongside him in tribal, opting to write down Ashley’s name instead. She said she just doesn’t trust him. Then she says she’s not afraid to stand up to him. And I am not afraid to stand up to polluters. Swamp Thing told me that I shouldn’t litter even though HEY OMAR, LOOK AT HOW THAT CUP ACTS LIKE A BOAT IN THE WATER!!

Over at Galu, Yasmin is having a hard time adjusting to outdoor life. Yasmin complains that, while Dave looks great, she feels pretty gross. And she is left wondering why. Dave has an answer for her – “Cause you’re funky baby,” he replies. I really don’t know what that means and what it has to do with not liking the outdoors, but then again I am just not all that hip. Like just yesterday a youth approached me and asked me about the “hizzy in the shizzy.” I, of course, doused him with pepper spray and yelled “Stranger Danger” over and over again until the mall security guard Segway’ed over to us. Turns out he was just trying to sell me a new wireless carrier. So, in the end, I felt like I performed a pretty valuable community service, so I treated myself to a cinnamon sugar pretzel and a REGULAR Coke. I made a difference!

So, back at Foa Foa, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely have a conversation which leads Mr. Spacely to tell JaiSON he is going to go searching for the hidden immunity idol before anyone even gets a clue as to its whereabouts. So, these two have formed an unlikely little alliance. The short fat bald dude who empties canteens and burns socks and the tall athletic dude who gets his canteens emptied and socks burnt. Hey, according to MC Skat Kat, Opposites Attract, so that’s cool:

Spacely’s short
And JaiSON is tall
Yeah they’ve got differences
But they’ll do it all

Spacely’s hat
Is awful, at best
JaiSON’s mistake
Is the sweater vest

JaiSON seems nice
And his intentions are clear
Spacely’s belly hangs over his UN-DER-WEAR

Two Steps Forward
I take two steps back
We go together
Cuz Op-posites Attract.

Paula Abdul be crazy, y’all.

So, Spacely decides to search for the idol while everyone else is eating a lizard that Ben killed by smashing against a tree. Yep. The crazy thing…he finds the idol inside the hollow of a tree and he stuffs it in his boxer briefs, while everyone is looking at him. Pretty impressive. I mean, you can call Spacely underhanded, annoying, condescending, out-of-shape, awful, disgusting, mean, deceptive, non-toned, bald, fashion-challenged, cocky, and without any redeeming qualities.

..

What? No, that was all I wanted to say.

So, JaiSON is excited when Spacely shows him the idol, but the note attached says that it belongs to whoever finds it and no one else. JaiSON is a bit put-off by this, but says he trusts Spacely a lot more now. Which is smart. Oh wait, did I say smart? I meant completely idiotic.

Then Betsy and Shazzan leave to go get treemail and Shazzan says that, even though he is an all-powerful genie, he fears they are on the chopping block because they are the two oldest in the tribe. He tells us that he sees the next challenge as his chance to prove his worth. Then he was disappeared because Chuck and Nancy touched their rings together and shouted “Shazzan!” “Ho-ho-HO” he said. Then they flew off on Kaboobie were separated by an evil genius so they couldn’t summon Shazzan again. Why didn’t they just make the wish that Shazzan never leave their side? I mean, this happened in like every single episode. They fly around on Kaboobie, get caught by some bad guy, get separated, and then have to get back together to summon Shazzan. I also don’t really get why Chuck and Nancy even ever wanted to return home. They had a genie at their disposal AND a flying camel and they wanted to return to Maine? Look, I like salt water taffy and outlet shopping as much as the next guy, but c’mon….Kaboobie.

What? Are you telling me there is more to Maine than salt water taffy and outlet shopping? You’re a damned dirty liar.

Oh, right…back to tree mail. So the tree mail indicates that this challenge will be a battle and the Survivors are instructed to paint their faces like Samoan warriors, who apparently modeled their face-painting techniques after members of KISS. Yeah, you know…the Starchild, the Demon, the Spaceman, and…the Cat? The Cat? Are you serious, Mr. Criss? Oooooh, so mystical. A cat. The makeshift Halloween choice for poor little girls everywhere. Yeah, it was between “The Cat,” ‘The Hobo,” or “The Bedsheet Ghost.” Beth, I hear you callin…but I can’t come right now. Me and the boys are playin. And my leotard just ripped.

Then comes the challenge. In this reward/immunity challenge, three members from each tribe had to battle in a mud pit to retrieve these balls, while three others waited up on a platform to get these balls thrown to them, and then try to shoot them into the opposing team’s basket. First team with three baskets wins immunity and fishing gear. And they were kicking the crap out of each other down there. Hey, remember when mud wrestling was all sexy and awesome? Thanks Survivor for ruining everything. It quickly got tied up and THE DEVIL INCARNATE had to stop the game to issue a warning that if he sees anyone pull a cheap shot on someone else, they are out of the game.

In the third round, tensions flare…Ben first pushes Yasmin into a fence and then he kicks Grover in the back of the leg, which causes LUCIFER to pull him out of the game. The first person ever to be pulled out of a challenge. Whoop-de-doo. Also, he was the first person to ever kick Grover in the leg. Even that blue guy that always had his order screwed up when Grover was his waiter never kicked him in the leg. And I totally would have seen that as justified. But why would that guy keep going back to that restaurant? I mean, they even ran out of food once and only had milk left. But then they were all out of glasses and…and…he…he offers him a pocketful of milk. Man, that’s hilarious. Yeah, I probably would have gone back too.

After that happens, Galu scores again. Then, Shazzan takes a big hit and is left looking pretty stunned. Which shouldn’t have been a surprise. Shazzan has really let himself go since his Kaboobie days. In fact, he’s really developed his own set of Kaboobies.

…

…

…

Is this thing on?

So, in the end, Galu won…and there was a TWIST. The leader of Galu gets to send one member of the tribe to spend the day with Foa Foa to gather information and sit in on Tribal Council. Grover selects Yasmin. And then, MEPHISTOPHELES tells Shazzan that he has to meet with the doctors. After checking his blood pressure and having him stand up and sit down, they decide he is unfit to continue. “Ho-Ho-WHAT??” he says. So, with that, Shazzan and his enormous gut are asked to go home. Maybe he should have, I don’t know, worked out a little beforehand. But what do I know? I’m just in superb physical shape.

So, over at Galu, with fishing gear in hand, Richard Simmons was all “Hey, I can fish and then we can sweat to the oldies and deal meals or whatever.” However, when she gets out there, she has little luck. Oh, and she loses part of the snorkel. Wahhh-Wahhhh. Laura says that, in doing that, Richard Simmons has “signed her own death warrant.” Which seems like a stupid thing to do, I would think. Signing your own death warrant.

Over at Foa Goa, Yasmin isn’t making any friends. She starts off her time there by saying the following: “I’m here to help you guys strategize because, to me, I don’t like a not fair fight. It’s almost like why be matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people cause then it’s like taking candy from a baby.” It is almost like being matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people. Her statement was both arrogant and confusing. Much like my Uncle Phil, who used to say he was “as handsome as peanut brittle.”

Then Yasmin takes things a bit further with Ben when she pulls him aside. She is unhappy that he “tackled her like a dude.” He then defends himself by calling her “grammar school” to make fun of her manner of speaking. Which I totally didn’t understand. I would probably call someone “grammar school” if they corrected people’s grammar all the time. But this is sort of the opposite of that. It’d be like calling Megan Fox “Acting School” or calling Lady Gaga “Singing School” or calling Kate Moss “Rehab for Cocaine Addiction.”

Ben then went on to say she was “pretty close to being a hooker.” I didn’t totally understand that. I didn’t see any resemblance between her and a veteran police sergeant played by William Shatner.

Ohhhhhh…now I get it. Damn, that was cold.

Ben continues to make a jackass of himself later that night. He spends the entire night chopping wood with a machete as everyone is trying to sleep. Ben is not very smart. Which is an understatement much in the way “Delta Burke gained a little weight after Designing Women” is an understatement. This annoys everyone and the next morning people are contemplating whether they should vote off Ben or Betsy. One is old…and one is awful. Most seem to still think they should vote out Betsy, except Ashley. But she has a nose ring, so I didn’t expect anyone would listen to her. Though both Salt and Pepa had nose rings and they taught me all about SHOOP SHOOP AY OOP SHOOP AY OOPAYOOPAYOOP.

Tribal Council was pretty heated that night, with Ben calling out Yasmin as being “ghetto trash.” This dude…is calling someone else trash. Whatevs Jethro…Then, as there was any doubt, Mr. Spacely backs ol’ Jethro up saying that he didn’t like how Yasmin called them all babies. JaiSON, however, pulls away and says that, yeah, he didn’t like what Yasmin said but it was sort of true. They needed to win on the field. So, stop all your bellyaching and get out there and win. Just put down that Dungeon’s Master guide, take off your cleric’s robe, and GET OUT THERE AND WIN FOR YOUR FAMILY OK DAD STOP YELLING I AM NOT YOU I DON’T WANT YER LIFE!!!!!11

Whoa, what…what happened?

Ahem.

Then Ben was asked if he felt bad about his poor sportsmanship in the challenge. Of course he said no. I am pretty sure Foa Foa stands for “abundance of a-holes.”

In the end, though, Betsy’s oldness trumped Ben’s doink-ness. So, they voted out Betsy, with her giving the only Ben vote.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE I: WHAT THE HECK IS A SPACELY SPROCKET ANYWAYS??

2009-09-18T12:46:00.000-04:00

Here we go again on our own. Goin’ down the only road we’ve ever known.

So, ok….and I know this is going to sound crazy. But I actually found myself quite entertained watching Survivor: Samoa’s first episode. I know. I am pretty ashamed of myself. I don’t know how it happened. But it could have something to do with the fact that I was eating a great sandwich (grilled chicken, bacon, cheese, avocado, Ranch dressing on focaccia) and drinking a 40 of King Cobra while I was watching it. I mean, with that combination going on, I could have been watching an hour of Kathie Lee talking about Cody and Cassidy and I probably would have been like, “Cody used to do what? He used to sing ‘If They Could See Me Now’ while he played with his boats in the bathtub? OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS!!” Take my review of the show with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you right now.

So the show started with THE DEVIL’s voiceover saying something-or-another about Samoa and what not…island shot, water shot, random animal shot, tribe members rowing…and he says that this is THE BIGGEST CAST OF SURVIVOR EVERRRR!!!!! I know. Super exciting. In most seasons, they have 18. BUT IN THIS SEASON THEY HAVE 20 OH MY GOD SERIOUSLLLYYY????!!!! Wait a tick. That’s like. Well. That’s like. 2 more? Woo. Hoo.

They all arrive on the beach and we learn that they have already been split into two tribes – Galu (Purple - Brett, John, Russell Swan, Dave, Monica, Shambo, Yasmin, Laura, Kelly and Erik) and Foa Foa (Yellow - Ben, Jaison, Mick, Russell Hantz, Mike, Marisa, Liz, Betsy, Natalie and Ashley). Again, I really want to know where some of these people think they are going on these boats. High heels? A sweater vest? Its like that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Renee Zellwegger shows up in a bunny suit to a party where no one else was wearing a costume. Oh my gosh that scene was delicious. Uh…what? I mean. Huh? It’s like that scene from that movie about NASCAR where all the guys were beating up those other guys and then they had sex with all those hot chicks!!!! Isn’t football and hunting the best?

Then LUCIFER said that everyone had to write down who they think should be the leader for their tribe just based on first impressions. And everyone wrote down things like “black guy in sweater vest” or “chick in orange dress” or “woman with mullet.” One guy actually wrote “more handsome than Lennox Lewis” about one of the guys. Which was odd. Everyone laughed sort of awkwardly at it to be polite. It’d probably be like watching Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting right next to you. “No no…yeah, I get it. That’s totally funny and in no way really off-putting how Danny DeVito got you pregnant. Just please don’t hurt me.”

In the end, Galu selected Russell. It was close, though. Shannon was a close second and she offered up this little tidbit – “I was in the United States Marine Corps and Rambo had the same bandana I had, so everybody was like, ‘Shannon, Rambo – Shambo,’ so that’s my game name and that’s what I’m here to do is play.” I swear I wasn’t in her battalion. It also sucks because I would love to put “sh” in front of other Sylvester Stallone movies and have that be her nickname for the season instead – Shobra, Shiffhanger, Shock-up, Shop or My Mom Will Shoot – but I already sort of did that one season. Then I started thinking, wow…look at what my life has become. I am actually upset that I can’t call someone a rotating list of Sylvester Stallone movies because I already did it once before. Let that one sink in for a while. Yeah. Feel better about whatever you’re doing these days? I thought so.

We are seriously like 2 minutes into the show and I am already over a page.

Foa Foa selected Mick. Probably because he can “eat thunder and crap lightning.” Ugh, again with the Stallone movies? Seriously? I could quite possibly be the worst writer ever.

Then the leaders have their first task in front of them. They have to pick fellow tribe members for specific tasks – they have to pick the best swimmer, stongest, most agile, and most intelligent members of their tribes. Again, this is mainly based on first impressions. I won’t bore you with all their choices, but there were a couple of stand-outs here. Mick picked Jaison as the best swimmer. I guess there is a stereotype that African-Americans are not good swimmers? I didn’t know that, but Shazzan (yay…first nickname!) said, “Afro Americans aren’t known to be swimmers, you know?” I didn’t know. Who says TV doesn’t teach us things? Turns out he was on the water polo team. So there you go, Shazzan. Then he later picked Elizabeth as most intelligent. She thinks he did that only because she is Asian. And its like…man, I wish I had a stereotype like that. I am an Italian-Irish-Frenchman. So, yeah, according to stereotypes…I am a drunk, hairy, coward. I hate stereotypes. Especially when they’re true. Sad face.

Also, he chose Russell H. as the strongest. I guess. I mean, he’s basically this short, fat dude. Who wears an awful hat. He looks sort of like Mr. Spacely. Well, he actually reminded me more of Mr. Peebles if he stole Magilla Gorilla’s hat. But, honestly, I can’t make a ton of jokes out of Mr. Peebles, so I am going with Mr. Spacely. JETSON!!!! Right? Right??? HAHAHAHAHA!!!111 Erm…damn, I’m out.

OK, so then comes the reward challenge. And it involves swimming fast for a key, then handing it off to the strong guy to unlock and carry these big logs (logs…heh), which are set up as steps for the agile one to climb up and maneuver over this beam thing to hand off the key to the smart one to unlock a puzzle. Got it…great, because I ain’t repeating myself.

In the swimming portion, Jaison (emPHAsis on the second sylLAble) took off and blew the other rocket scientist dude out of the water. WORDPLAY!!! Then Mr. Spacely went ahead and lifted the logs pretty well for Marisa to climb over them and give us our first blurred body part of the season. Pssst – it was her breasts. Then she handed off to Elizabeth for her puzzle-solving. She did well…although Shannon did actually catch up to her and almost overtook her, despite wearing a headband and having a fe-mullet.

So, Foa Foa won fire. In the form of flint. Super.

When Foa Foa comes back to camp, while everyone else is building a shelter, Mr. Spacely starts his evil scheming. He decides to try and align with basically every single female. He calls all of them except Betsy his “dumb girl alliance.” Now, keep in mind he is not aligning with all of them as a group, but rather aligning with each of them separately. Also, he is doing this in a pair of boxer briefs. So, picture Mr. Spacely in nothing but boxer briefs and a Magilla Gorilla hat and you will understand why that 40 of King Cobra was totally gone by now. He describes his moves like so, ““I got an alliance with the dumb short-haired blonde, the even dumber long-haired blonde and the dark haired girl. I’d like to call it my dumb-ass girl alliance.” Which seems ok, since all the girls called it their “Guy I Would Never Sleep With Alliance.”

Also, Ashley is sporting the nose ring. People still get those? I thought those went way out of style with B.U.M. Equipment and Tony Toni Tone. I remember when Tony Toni Tone exploded onto the scene in the early 90’s. It was a simple time full of Swatch watches and tight-rolls. And I remember the moment I saw their video I was like, “Wow, there are three ways to spell the name Tony.” Then I turned on Family Matters. Oh that Urkel. He was so nerdy.

Galu, meanwhile, head back to their camp with no reward. And we get to see Russell S.’s leadership style. Not bad, though ultra-positive. And he sounds a lot like Grover from Sesame Street. Hello, it is I your favorite furry blue monster asking you if you would like to build a shelter with me. You know who was awesome? Forgetful Jones.

Also, John is not making many friends with people in his tribe because he is “all talk, no action.” Man, if I had a nickel, right?

So here comes awesome part #1. As Foa Foa is laying down to sleep, Mr. Spacely starts telling this story about how lived in New Orleans when Katrina hit and how he was in his house with his dog, Rocky, when the levy broke. Then he described how he lost Rocky once the house flooded with water. Then all the women cried. Then he told us he made it all up. He never lived in New Orleans and he never owned a dog. Remember when I said White Power Ranger was like my favorite person ever from Survivor? Well, Mr. Spacely could maybe beat him. And, honestly, only in my online fan-fiction could I even have imagined a battle between Mr. Spacely and the White Power Ranger. And, honestly, I have written about that in my online fan-fiction. At the end, they figure out that Henry the fix-it man was actually an evil cohort of Rita Repulsa’s and he programmed Rosie to make up the whole story about how Cogswell was employing the Power Rangers to infiltrate Spacely Sprockets and steal trade secrets. After this was uncovered, Spacely, White Power Ranger, Astro, and Orbity all set off to find…oh no…wait. I have said too much. If you want to hear the rest, you’ll have to read it yourself – visit my site…www.Janegetmeoffthiscrazythingcalledadventure.com.

So, yeah…that was awesome part #1. Here comes #2. After everyone falls asleep, Mr. Spacely goes ahead and empties out the water in everyone’s canteens. Then he burns Jaison’s socks in the fire. Then he drew a big pentagram and summoned the Ghoulies from the bowels of Hell to wreak havoc within the camp and pop out of toilets and rip off the Gremlins. Okay, so that last part wasn’t true, but I wouldn’t put it past this guy. He makes THE PROBST look like Princess Sparkle the Friendly Unicorn.

His plan works too. The next morning, the whole tribe is arguing and utter chaos has ensued. Human sacrifice…dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!

The next day, the tribes meet for the Immunity Challenge. As they meet, THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS WRONG asks Grover what he thinks about his tribe. “Tough as nails, Jeff” he responds. And then he goes on to say that they are the best group of people he has ever known and how he would like to marry each and every one of them and have all of their babies or some crap. Ben, from Foa Foa then says that those are things “losers say.” Which I don’t agree with. Losers say things like, “Beyonce had the best video.” HEY-OH!!!!!! CURRENT EVENTS JOKES!!!1111 JAY LENO!!!

The challenge involved running over big triangle things and then pulling a big box of puzzle pieces and then constructing a puzzle. Galu worked much better together as a team mainly because that tribe isn’t full of big dumb idiots. So, in the end, Galu won. And I so expected Grover to come back and say something like, “oh, who is the loser now.” But he didn’t. Which shouldn’t surprise me. Because Grover isn’t the type of monster to rub things in. Except for that one time when Oscar lost Slimy at the Grouch of the Year Awards. Grover was all, “Scram that biznatch!!” To be fair, Grover had just pounded a whole bottle of Mad Dog. “I thought it was Grape Juice,” answered the intoxicated Muppet.

So, back at Foa Foa, they had to decide who to vote out. It seems like they are all gonna vote Ashley at first probably because of her ill-timed face jewelry. But then Marisa tells Mr. Spacely she doesn’t trust him. So he is all, “JETTSONNNN!!!” and decides to conspire against Marisa by telling the rest of the tribe to vote her off.

At tribal, it is obvious to BEELZEBUB that this tribe is not doing well. Ben and Marisa obviously hate each other. Probably because Marisa is attractive and Ben has had sex with livestock. However, it looks like Spacely’s plan has worked, because a lot of them are going against Marisa. Except for Betsy, who points to Ashley as the weakest member of the tribe. Ashley is stunned because she says she does a lot of cardio. Whatever it is, its working. Get it? What I mean to say is that working out is, ahem, working out. Right? She is an attractive is what I am saying to you now.

In the end, though, Spacely’s plan works and they vote out Marisa, sending her back to backwoods somewhere-or-another. Bye Marisa.

Until next time,
Wayne

YOUR SURVIVOR SAMOA KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

2009-09-16T10:26:00.002-04:00

Well, hello everyone. It’s that time once again. It’s time to SURVIVE!! I know. I can’t believe it either. I’m really, I don’t know, excited? Sure, why not.

This season takes place in Samoa, which is in the South Pacific. And I gotta be honest, its gonna be hard for me to say the word “Samoa” without sounding like Humpty Hump at the end of “the Humpty Dance.” Not that that’s a bad thing…but I just wanted to let you all know. I’ll drink a bottle of Hennessy you got on your shelf.

So, this first newsletter is to help everyone become acquainted with our latest round of ne’er-do-wells, slugabeds, and fools:

Ashley – says one of her biggest flaws is “speaking her mind.” She also says that she is a huge Survivor fan and one of the biggest lessons she has learned that will help her is to “be careful when you’re walking around because you don’t want to be medical’ed out of there.” Therefore, using deductive reasoning, I have come up with the following argument:

A. Ashley speaks her mind
B. Ashley said that, in 18 seasons of Survivor, the big lesson was to “be careful when walking around”
C. Therefore, Ashley’s mind is an idiot

Ben – is described by his friends as “a big hillbilly who will be rich someday.” Well, he had better get going on getting out in the yard and shooting some food with hopes that up from the ground comes a bubblin’ crude. Oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea. Because, according to my research, that’s really the only way hillbillies get rich. Well, that or by wrestling and carrying a 2x4.

Betsy – is a cop and her nickname is “Officer Friendly.” Weird. I knew an Officer Friendly once too. She came to break up a bachelor party I was attending. She was about to arrest the groom when she decided to join the party with sexy results. Everyone else seemed really into this, but I felt that Lady Justice truly wept that day. No, I’m serious…there was some other chick there named Lady Justice and she seemed really upset about Joey choosing Pacey in the Dawson’s Creek finale.

Brett – fulfilled his lifelong dream to launch a cause-based clothing line. Fulfilling dreams is cool. Like this one time, I had a dream that I went to the White House and met with the President and we came up with a plan to end world hunger and bring world peace at the same time. Then we executed it. Then I beat him in golf and he told me I was like the son he never had. So, when I woke up I went to McDonald’s and ordered two quarter-pounders. Huh? Oh, I had a dream I ate 2 Quarter Pounders the night before. They were delicious and it was one of the proudest moments of my life. FIST PUMP!!11

Dave – Dave’s nickname is “Danger.” That makes sense, because he not only has a degree in opera, but he was also a flight attendant and he claims that his innate intelligence has been “honed through years of playing strategy games.” And when I say it makes sense, I mean it in the same way it makes sense that the Griswolds never noticed that they had totally different kids on like every vacation they took.

Elizabeth – is not sure if she is going to tell her tribemates she is an attorney. I don’t know if I agree with that strategy. Keeping secrets ruins lives and relationships. Like, once, I dated this girl and I wasn’t totally up front with her about certain aspects of who I was. And I think it was a mistake, because when I finally took my shirt off and she saw that I had the body of a Greek God, I asked if she was ok with how naturally beautiful I was and she never called me again. After that, I decided to just put it out there at the beginning of a relationship. “Hi, my name is Wayne and my body is what some would call chiseled and perfect,” I would say. Most relationships never went beyond those initial introductions, but at least we got it out of the way early.

Erik – is, according to cbs.com, “a proud womanizer.” He also has “no qualms about chasing after a taken woman” because there is “nothing sweeter than taking another man’s goods.” Also, his favorite hobby is “skirt chasing.” It doesn’t say this, but I assume his other hobbies include “buying rohypnol,” “receiving restraining orders,” and “crying because I am so lonely inside.”

Jaison – thinks that winning Survivor is all about getting together with a core group of people. He thinks its about strategy and…and having drive…and…and…amibition….and…annnnnnd….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

John – Just seems like a real jerk. He claims he is a rocket scientist and a former pro soccer player who has good looks and charm. I hate good-looking, intelligent, and athletic people. They think they’re so great. “Oh, look at me…I can add a bunch of numbers together and my hair is all cool and watch me score a goal and blah blah blah.” Look, no one wants to hear it, ok?

Kelly – is pretty cute and she describes herself as a ‘free spirit.’ And you guys know what that means, right? Right? No, me neither.

Laura – refers to herself as a “fit version of Sarah Palin” because of similar religious beliefs and because her 18 year-old daughter also had a child. Sarah Palin, meanwhile, refers to herself as a “less insulting version of Laura” because of their differing opinions on what counts as a compliment.

Marisa – is a lot prettier than I expect most Appalachians to be. She was also born into a “blended” family with eight siblings. And by blended, she says she means that none of them have both the same mother and father. That feels much more Appalachian.

Mick – says that he is definitely a conversationalist, but topics that are off-limits include “ridiculous situations that people find themselves in.” Makes sense…He then added that he can’t wait to compete in an immunity challenge that involves him eating a cockroach while throwing a ceramic pig to his fellow tribemates. Hey…this guy is – wait for it – Ri-Mick-ulous!!!

Mike – braids his beard like Shazzan from the Hanna-Barbera World of Super Adventure. Well, not exactly like his beard, but I just wanted to use this as an excuse to say the Herculoids was an awesome show.

Monica – Once worked as Pocahantas at a “theme park.” Gee, I wonder which park. I really didn’t enjoy Pocahantas all that much. In fact, when it came out, I called it Poca-crap-is. See what I did there? I inserted the word “crap” into the title because I didn’t think I would enjoy the film all that much.

Natalie – is really quite attractive. Which blows my mind, since Natalie on the Facts of Life wasn’t. Also, Natalie plans to work in her background as a pharmaceutical sales representative into the game. Which means, I don’t know, free Oxycontin if someone throws a challenge?

Russell H. – according to cbs.com, “Russell Hantz’s personality speaks for itself when he proudly displays a missing tooth that he refuses to fix!” So he’s, what? Lazy? Uninsured? Cletus from the Simpsons? And why the exclamation point at the end of that sentence, cbs.com? Am I supposed to scream that sentence? Because I just did and the woman next to me is calling the cops. Hm? No, you’re right…I am home. Yes, the woman is my wife. Well, I actually think she’s calling the cops for an entirely different reason. It seems I am really drunk right now. And I may have just punched a hole in my TV. But can you blame me? They cancelled Mama’s Family. I know it was years ago, but it still stings.

Russell S. – Has made a vow that he will cut his dreadlocks if he wins the million. When I was a senior in high school, I made sort of the same deal. My family chipped in and paid me $100 to cut my mullet. And it was at that moment, I realized how important image is to my family, so I made it my lifelong ambition to be handsome. Mission. Accomplished.

Shannon – is, wow. Shannon is quite something. So, picture Billy Ray Cyrus wearing a headband. Got it? Now, imagine this Billy Ray Simmons person is driving a Harley. OK. Now, picture in your mind this wonder of an individual calling her Harley “Chunky.” Great, you got it. Now, your brain is as ruined as mine.

Yasmin – is nicknamed “Sassy Yassy” because she is opinionated and whatever. I guess she talks a lot too or some stuff. I don’t know. Yasmin, you’re the last person I have to write about, so sorry…I am pretty spent. Um, good luck this season.

SURVIVOR TOMAHAWK FINALE: WE’RE ALL WINNERS. OH, EXCEPT FOR YOU. AND YOU. AND DEFINTELY YOU.

2009-05-20T10:24:00.002-04:00

So, ok….the Survivor finale happened. But, you know what? I am getting pretty sick of writing about the show. Honestly, I mean, I am just tapped out. So, I decided instead to write about current events and add my own “Wayne-ness” to them. Here we go. Let’s get zany!

Jimmy Fallon has a new late night TV show. But I hear the show hasn’t been doing that well. Yeah. His ratings keep fallon every week. Hey-OH!

You like that one? You ain’t heard nothing yet. So, did you hear Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violating the substance abuse policy in baseball? Yeah. But, when they found out he was actually taking feminine fertility drugs, they changed his punishment. Now, he can return to baseball, but he has to change his name to…get ready for this…you ready? Wo-Manny Ramirez. Wo-manny. Wo-man. Woman. Count it!

Hey, I’m just getting warmed up. Did you hear Jon cheated on Kate? So, according to my calculations, that comes out to: Jon & Kate + 8 + mistress – dignity = I DON’T CARE!!!!111. Whoa, doctor! Did someone order an extra shot of funny? Well, you got it mister. Nurse!!!!111

Hm? OK. Fine. God. I’ll write about it. So, the Survivor finale just happened. Hoop-ee-doo.

The show started with JT, Gilbert, Erinn, & HULK coming back from voting out White Power Ranger at the last tribal council. Gilbert says that JT voting for Erinn is going to now make him look like the villain because it exposed Gilbert’s betrayal of White Power Ranger. Just like that time in the Bible when that dude Judas Priest told all those guys about that other guy. Then he was all, “I’m Hell Bent for Leather.” Then Beavis & Butthead were like BREAKIN’ THE LAW BREAKIN’ THE LAW. Then that “Push the Little Daisies and Make em Come Up” video came on. Then Cornholio. I don’t know why more people don’t read the Bible. Well, ok. I never really read it. But, I used to keep my arcade money in it. And this one time, I scored 1,000,000 on Zaxxon. I bet God was totally proud of me.

After this exchange with Gilbert saying he didn’t want to look like a betrayor, he revealed to the camera that he was thinking about not taking JT to the final two, even though he said he would. But, I can’t blame Gilbert for doing whatever it takes to make this. He needs it. Things have really gone downhill since winning the Homecoming carnival for ol’ Gil. I mean, he had it all that night – the girl, the friends, the yellow jumpsuit. Then, though, he broke his leg in a chess match and couldn’t go with the rest of the Tri-Lams to Ft. Lauderdale. After that, it was like his brothers just forgot about him. Then, he joined some type of weird paintball militia thing. Then, he went off and joined the air force and sang “Great Balls of Fire” and died. Then he became a doctor and died also. Yeah, he died twice. Anything is possible in the world of magic.

The betrayal doesn’t stop with Gilbert though. HULK wants to screw someone over too. Gilbert and HULK discuss voting out JT if he doesn’t win immunity:

Gilbert: Voting out JT seems as obvious a choice as Captain James Tiberius Kirk choosing to bed Uhura. With the aliens and the overacting and the HEY COME CHECK OUT MY CONTROL DECK. GLAYVIN!!
HULK: HULK THINK THIS ONLY WAY. BUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME FOR VOTE?
Gilbert: J-T.
HULK: SLOW DOWN EGGHEAD. USE IN SENTENCE.
Gilbert: I wish I were as cool as JT. With the Southern drawl. And the physical prowess.
HULK: SLOW. DOWN.
Gilbert: OK. Take one T off the end of your favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. RICHARD KARN HAVE NO “T” IN NAME.
Gilbert: OK. Second-favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. J. ERM. J….J…JT….JT! HULK GOT IT. GILBERT BEST. WANT HUG?
Gilbert: No thanks. With the rib-crushing and the delicate bones and the STEROID-INDUCED RAGE. GLAYVIN!

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Erinn and JT went to get treemail. And it was a plastic spider. I screamed so loud. Not because of the spider, though. I screamed because Erinn looks a lot like that chick that crawls out of the TV in The Ring. Now, I am probably gonna die in 7 days. Just great.

As the final four gather for the immunity challenge, we find out why there was a plastic spider. The challenge requires the tribemates to move through a tarantula-shaped obstacle course and retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. Then, they had to assemble this web-shaped puzzle thing. Though I would like to point out that the spider they found in the treemail looked more like a Black Widow than a Tarantula. Ahem. Glayvin.

JT jumped out to a big lead in the first leg (get it? Leg? Spider legs? Whatever) and Erinn was in dead last. But, even though JT puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore, Erinn caught up to him and it was neck and neck as the two scrambled to fit their pieces in. JT, however, finally found a place for his last piece and emerged victorious, guaranteeing himself a spot in the final three. Wow. JT won. How surprising. Also surprising? Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.

Back at camp after the challenge, Erinn talks with Gilbert and JT in the water and makes an argument for her to stay in the game. She explains that HULK could get a lot of jury votes, so it would make sense to get rid of her before it gets to that. That would make sense. What doesn’t make sense is the plot to Encino Man. I mean, there is no way Pauly Shore would ever survive high school ALIVE. No. Possible. Way.

Next came the first tribal council of the night. GEORGE BURNS IN OH GOD YOU DEVIL asked Gilbert point-blank if he planned on taking the best to the end or doing whatever it takes to give him the best chance of winning. Gilbert admits that he would base his vote on what would give him the best chance of making it all the way. He therefore voted for an end to Nerd Prosecution. And Sex Robots…he voted for Sex Robots.

In the end, JT and Gilbert went against their alliance and voted out HULK. Which worked out because WRITING ALL IN CAPS is just not as funny as it once was. To me, at least. So, in saying goodbye to HULK, we say goodbye to gamma rays. And awful 90’s pop music. HULK GET SO WEAK IN THE KNEES HIM CAN HARDLY SPEAK. H-H-U-U-L-L-K-K.

The next morning, Gilbert further proves his capacity to betray by forming a pact with Erinn. She says that if she makes it to the final two, she will take him. And he basically says if he makes it, he will take her. And I say they should burn every Wile E. Coyote cartoon where he talks. Who thought this was a good idea? It’s like, “Hey, that Wile E. Coyote is pretty funny, but you know who else is really funny? Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. If only there was a way to combine the two.” Probably the 2nd worst decision ever in cartoons. The worst? Has to be, “Hey, that mouse hitting that cat with a frying pan and then the cat sticking the mouse in an electric socket is hilarious. But, you know what would be even better? If they were friends and were really nice to each other and just sort of hung out.” Yeah, those have to be the two worst cartoon-related decisions. Also, Scrappy-Doo and that decision to greenlight that cartoon where Gary Coleman plays Gary Coleman but he’s actually an angel that helps people are pretty high up there as well. Actually, maybe that whole Gary Coleman thing should be #1. Who the hell knows? What do I look like? A cartoon historian? Well, maybe I do. But I’m not.

Then came the part of the finale I always enjoy most. The torches of the fallen. For those unfamiliar, here is where the remaining three Survivors have to go and walk amongst the torches of everyone they stabbed in the back and then burn them all as some ceremonial way of honoring them or some crap. And they have to reflect at every torch. Even on the people that were there for like a day.

JT: Hey, remember Candace?
Erinn: No
Gilbert: No
Erinn: No
JT: No
Gilbert: Yes. Wait. I mean, no.

This one was actually pretty boring though. I was hoping for some funny stuff when they got to White Power Ranger, but nothing really. Erinn said it was her favorite blindside. And JT and Gilbert agreed that he changed the game “in his way.” “In his way” is just a way to gently say that he really did not in fact change the game. I have gotten a lot of “in his way”s in my day:

“Wayne is learning to open up to the other kids…in his way”
“Wayne is expressing his anger…in his way”
“Wayne graduated high school…in his way”
“Wayne is learning to quench the murderous rage that lives inside him…in his way”
“Wayne is dealing with his glue-sniffing problem…in his way”

Next up was the final immunity challenge of the season. HUZZAH! The challenge involved THE PROBST saying “balls” a lot. It involved this track thing that the tribe members had to drop these balls into and then catch them at the other end. Then they had to keep increasing the amount of balls and keep catching them. If you dropped a ball, you were out. And you had to do it with your hand tied behind your back. Oh, PROBST, you wicked wicked man. The track reminded me of that bowling ball thing at the Museum of Science. Man, I love science. I always have. I remember doing experiments even when I was a little kid. I still do them even now. That’s why all the dead bodi…erm…test tubes I mean. Yeah, test tubes. That’s why all those test tubes are in my basement. Covered that up pretty nicely.

So, I will just skip to the boring ending of the challenge. JT won. Why did I bet on Gilbert? I am always doing that. I should take the sure thing. It’s like when I bet against the Bulls in ‘92. And the Cowboys in ’93. And Stallone in Over the Top. I mean, did you even see “Bull” Hurley? But I hadn’t counted on him turning his hat backwards. Apparently, it makes him feel like a truck. Dammit. Meet me halfway. Across the sky.

Back at camp, Erinn reveals to JT that Gilbert said he would take her to the finals as a last-ditch effort to make it through. And Gilbert tells us that he agrees that the smart thing for JT to do would be to take Erinn. And according to those TV commercials, the smart thing for me to do would be to call the Art Instruction Schools. Yes, I like to draw. And paint. And maybe just sketch and doodle in my spare time. All I have to do is draw a turtle and I’m in! I love how the guy is like, “Do you like to sketch and doodle? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a serious art student.” It’d be like asking, “Do you enjoy writing your name in the corner of an envelope when you send letters? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a world-renowned novelist.”

At tribal council, Erinn lays out to LUCIFER what she said to JT about having a better shot against her at the final council than he would against Gilbert. Then Gilbert said that JT should keep him because they can have breakfast together the next day. BEELZEBUB joked about weighing breakfast against a million dollars, but you know what? Haha DEVIL, but that’s how I got most of my dates when I was younger. It was really easy. I mean, all these women were just standing there…in line…for soup. And I show up with promises of eggs and bacon? I was like a younger, more acne-covered Daddy Warbucks to them. True, I always ended up having only Froot Loops or, more often than not, the less expensive Frute Rings, but still…they got to dream for just a little bit. And isn’t that what life is all about? Dreams?

JT goes against Erinn’s advice, however, and votes her out…taking Gilbert to the final two with him.

THE END.

…

…

…

Nah.

The next morning, the two feel zero remorse about voting out Erinn. Because the extra ‘n’ stood for ‘not likeable.’ Then they check treemail and find the breakfast Gilbert teased JT with. And they eat every bit of it. And drink all the orange juice. And champagne. Which I am sure was supposed to go in the orange juice. But JT is a hillbilly. And hillbillies will always hilariously do the wrong thing in social situations. Like use the wrong fork. Or put ketchup on their filet mignon. Or marry their cousin. Or marry their sister. Or marry their horse. Hilarious.

Then came the final tribal council – facing the jury. Let’s just say Gilbert totally totally blew this. I mean, every answer came across as slimy and scrambling and defensive. He starts off saying that while JT was the “better woodsman” and “better sportsman” and had the “Most Charming Southern Drawl” (?), he has grown the most. So, you know, too bad this isn’t ‘Up With People’ camp and is instead ‘Survivor’ where being better is sort of the key. JT’s response can be summarized best as “I am better at this than him so vote for me.”

Then the questions came. Some highlights:

Andrea Zuckerman asked Gilbert a pretty good question – “If JT hadn’t won immunity, who would be sitting up here with you. And he answered, after some squirming, that he was afraid Erinn would be sitting up there with him. I don’t think that answer hurt him though. He was at least honest. What does hurt him is that he looks a little like this guy I used to work with that had to walk around at lunch to like 5 different restaurants in Boston to see what type of soup they were serving that day before deciding on where to eat.

White Power Ranger said…something or other. It was about “warriors” and “wizards” though. That you can be sure of.

Sierra just has a lot of anger. Which makes her a lot hotter.

HULK got pretty upset and started crying and asking why they lied to her. Gilbert got especially slimy here as he threw JT under the bus and said JT wanted to get rid of her for a while. Which was not completely true…as Gilbert also wanted to get rid of her. Then Gilbert said, “friendship means more than money” even though he just said he would have probably taken Erinn to the final with him. Gilbert is teh bad.

And then…WE ARE LIVE. I’m not even gonna bother complaining about the lack of helicopters and fireworks and charging bulls because it seems they aren’t even considering that type of PROBST entrance anymore. Fascists.

Should I even bother saying who won? Haven’t we all figured it out? Please refer back to my Stallone versus “Bull” Hurley comment above. Of course JT won. And of course he got all the votes. And of course that bottle of Jim Beam on my table was empty by now. SO, yes, JT…the favorite…won. Unanimously.

The reunion show was pretty uneventful. JT also won the $100K fan favorite award and is still friends with Gilbert despite him being a terrible person. And THE DEVIL HIMSELF asked White Power Ranger to take a lie detector test on his Amazon story. He declined the offer and then took one on his own, bringing the results to the show himself. They looked pretty legit. Until you looked on the back of the sheet where you saw the words “Exotic Spices” “Ponytail holders” and “ Jasmine Rub” crossed out. It was his shopping list. On the back of the lie detector results. He wrote it himself is what I am saying. Ugh.

Talk about going out on a high note.

Thanks for a great season everyone,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOMATOSOUP EPISODE XIII: WHITE POWER RANGER IS TEH BEST EVAR

2009-05-17T21:07:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone. Sorry about not writing a newsletter last week, but I did warn you I would be away at Disney last week. But I’m back baby! No, I swear. Yeah, I was totally gone. For like 8 days. Stop it. I know you missed me. Huh? It’s me. Wayne. The guy who writes those newsletters. About Survivor. What? Yeah, I send one a week. No…it’s Wayne. You’re such a jerk.

Anyways, a quick update on last week’s results. I only watched tribal council, so I really only know who got voted off. But, I can probably guess what happened in the rest of the episode. Andrea Zuckerman lied about something. White Power Ranger acted like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Erinn scowled. In the end, we said goodbye to Andrea Zuckerman. And it looked like a pretty big blindside. Everyone voted for Andrea Zuckerman, except for White Power Ranger (who voted for HULK), and Andrea Zuckerman (who voted for White Power Ranger…duh duh duh). Sorry Andrea. But at least you still have this newsletter. Yep, every week. I swear. Check your junk folder.

So, this week’s episode started as most episodes do with everyone returning from tribal council. White Power Ranger was all distraught about how the vote turned out. I guess everyone was supposed to be voting for HULK. But, as I said, everyone else voted for Andrea Zuckerman. Except of course for Andrea Zuckerman, who voted for White Power Ranger. So, basically, everyone deceived White Power Ranger. But Andrea was the decievingest. Therefore, White Power Ranger is cool with everyone…except Andrea Zuckerman. There is a scale of deceit here…and it’s all relative. Which is not to be confused with West Virginia’s slogan, “We’re all relatives.” Did I really just go there? Heck yes I did. Though I do see where White Power Ranger is coming from though. Like in high school, everyone used to throw garbage at me, but Larry Birkenblaum was the only one who didn’t light it on fire or poo on it. He was my best friend. Until I found out he collected Hardy Boys books. What a dork!

The next day, White Power Ranger starts talking about how he does not want to go to SUPER DOOPER HOLY CRUD WHAT ISLAND. He is all of a sudden talking about asthma and a bad back and that he could not handle going because of these ailments. Then he put a thermometer under a hot water bottle and said that he couldn’t miss going to CRAP MY PANTS ISLAND because he has a big test today. Then, he set up a dummy and a snoring machine in his bed in case his parents came back home. Then he got chased by his principal and his sister and went to a Cubs game. Then he had a super hot girlfriend that I had a huge crush on when I was 10. Then he…BOW BOW CHICK CHICK CHICKA CHICKAHHHHHH DIDDY BOW BOW OOMA OOMA CHICKA CHICKAHHHH.

Gilbert and JT then decide that White Power Ranger is just making excuses because he is scared to go to OH.MAH.GOD ISLAND and that they should, therefore, send him over the next chance they get. Seems kind of mean to me. It’d be like if someone made me watch the trash barrel scenes from The Great Outdoors over and over again while reading aloud from Rascal. Right? Right? Oh…did I mention I was afraid of raccoons? Hmmm, that joke probably would have been funnier if I mentioned that first. Well, I think it would have been.

Raccoons are nature’s bandits. Vile creatures.

So, yeah, their plan is to send White Power Ranger over there to weaken him before the next immunity challenge. Guys, unless the challenge involves pathologically lying, being an annoyance, or pretending to be John Hatcher from Marked for Death, I think you’re safe. Dude, Steven Segal’s name in Marked for Death was John Hatcher. How awful of a hero name is John Hatcher. He was up against a dude named Screwface, for Christmas sake. Even if they just made it John Hatchet or something. But John Hatcher sounds like he should be running the neighborhood hardware store. He doesn’t sound like a ponytailed retired DEA agent out for revenge.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, all the tribe members had to make their way through a maze with their feet shackled together and grab this pole, see. And then they had to use this pole to retrieve a sandbag, which they would then use to knock down some targets and raise a flag. JT won. Because he is really the only one who is good at anything that involves standing and/or moving. He won an overnight reward at the Governor’s Retreat with a bed, shower, and food. He chose Gilbert to share it with him. And he got to send someone to WHAT WAS THAT? ISLAND. He, of course, said he would send White Power Ranger. I, of course, was on my third whiskey.

Now, here is where things really started to get AWESOME. White Power Ranger says he is going to take the “monastic approach.” He says he’s not gonna eat…he’s not going to build a fire. He is just going to meditate. Just such an incredibly White Power Ranger thing to say. He never disappoints. Then, Erinn stupidly chimes in with, “He’s gonna take the martyr approach” and that he diminishes all they are going through by constantly making his struggles seem more difficult. This was incredibly dumb. Why would she say that? At this point in the game? It just doesn’t make any sense. It makes even less sense than when Mama Cass guest starred on Scooby-Doo. Seriously, would any kid have been excited about that? Ooooooh, I can’t believe the big fat lady from the Mamas and the Papas is going to be on Scooby-Doo….Clear my schedule!

White Power Ranger, though, does not back down. In fact, he delivered what may be my favorite White Power Ranger gem of all time. After Erinn lays into him, he says that he wants this stay on SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE ISLAND to be tough on him and he then says in Goldmember style,

“Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benatar.”

Wow. This guy is perhaps one of my favorite people in the world. He actually added Pat Benatar at the end. Was he calling THE PROBST Pat Benatar? Or was he simply trying to impress us with his music knowledge prowess? And he went on, “Don’t Be Cruel, Elvis Presley, just because I am a Warrior, Scandal, and am going to stay on an Island in the Sun, Weezer. You Talk Too Much, Run DMC, and you are coming off as a Creep, Radiohead. I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor, and I’ll be Stronger, Britney Spears, because of this little Vacation, Go-Go’s so you can Eat It, Weird “Al” Yankovik”

Back at the camp, Erinn tells HULK she feels bad about what she said to White Power Ranger after the challenge. She is hoping this doesn’t get her voted off. HULK assures her, “WHITE POWER RANGER GO HOME. ERINN STAY. ERINN FRIEND. WHITE POWER RANGER GET VOTE OFF.”

OK, so I know I keep saying this was my favorite thing White Power Ranger ever did and that was my favorite thing White Power Ranger said and I want to father White Power Ranger’s baby, but this next little segment was really, really awe-inspiring…

We now get to White Power Ranger’s stay on DON’T GO IN THE WOODS ISLAND. And yes, it was everything you hoped it would be. I feel like I could write a whole newsletter about just this one part of the show. It starts with this really dramatic Kung-Fu type music accompanying White Power Ranger as he treks through the sand. And you just know something monumental is about to happen. Like right before you finally saw the light saber fight between Annakin and Obi-Wan. Except White Power Ranger is way more likeable than Hayden Christensen. And less whiny. And doesn’t spout off poorly written love-drive dialogue comparing the future mother of Luke Skywalker to sand. You know, looking at George Lucas, you’d think he’d know something about love. Right? Gah.

So, after his instrumentally accompanied sand walk, White Power Ranger drops this number on us, “It’s gonna be like the ancient American Indians that are my ancestors, used to go out into the wilderness for forty-eight hours and they would commune with the creator of the universe and they would become men.” So, I am all like, “American Indians? Check. Up-playing his struggle? Check. Faux-deep transcendental musings? Check.” So, I am thinking we got this White Power Ranger-ism out of the way. But he then continues, “Well I’m already a man so this would just make me…more of a man, but this is going to be an adventure.” It’s like he was be-awesome before and then it was all WHOAAA he just became even cooler. It’d be like if after Rocky knocked out Ivan Drago, he flew off to push the Moon out of its natural orbit and caused a solar eclipse, thus terminating Nuclear Man’s powers. We would call it Super Rockyman IV: The Quest for Drago’s Peace. Hmmm, actually…lets not call it that.

Then, White Power Ranger does what any dragonslayer would do and constructs a “dragon cane.” Well, he more picked up a stick than constructed it. Then what do you think he did? I tell you what…let’s make it multiple choice. He:

A.) Curled up and fell asleep
B.) Said “well, what a lovely day. I think I will go for a walk.”
C.) Started a fire successfully and appeared to know what he was doing
D.) Performed awful martial arts moves with his new dragonslayer cane

If you chose C, well….please stop reading and give Sylvan Learning Center a call. You need some help. Your brain has officially stopped functioning.

At the reward, JT and Gilbert first showered. Well, actually JT showered while Gilbert creepily sat outside and watched. Seriously. It was odd. And I am pretty sure they had to share a bed. And they called their Brazilian feast a “Meat Festival.” Hrm. Um. Moving on.

They then said that they were having second thoughts about voting out White Power Ranger after Erinn said all that crappy stuff to him prior to going to POO MY PANTS ISLAND. Then they toasted going to the final two together. Then they made a plan to meet each other at the top of the Empire State building on Valentine’s Day.

Back at SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE IT’S PEOPLE ISLAND, White Power Ranger is not done being awesomely awesome. He talks about the other places he has visited in the world and says, “Chock another one to the list: the dunes at Exile.” Yep…so, the Amazon, Mt. Everest, the Moon, The Land of Honnah Lee, Tattooine, The Pie Tin Palace, Mount Doom, Monstropolis, the bottom of the sea, and Scientist Jan Benes’ inner ear. He really has been everywhere…including, as of late, my nightmares.

Next up was the immunity challenge. White Power Ranger limps in with his dragonslayer cane, having not eaten, “ready” to play. When LUCIFER HIMSELF asks how it was, White Power Ranger says it was one of the best times of his life. Even better than the time he visited the year 3010. When he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again. What would White Power Ranger do?

So, the challenge was an endurance challenge. The tribemates had to stand on these footholds without falling off. Every fifteen minutes, they would have to switch to a smaller foothold. The last person left wins immunity. White Power Ranger tells SLAYER that he starved himself because he wanted to prove he still had mental strength despite his asthma and bad back and loose grip on reality. That’s a good plan. I think I’ll starve myself next time I need to get strong and do something physical. Then I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will HUG AND KISS SOME POISONOUS SNAKES!!!11

Now, that’s sarcasm.

The battle actually did come down to White Power Ranger and JT at the end. But, JT took the win. Not content to just lose graciously, White Power Ranger didn’t just fall off the footholds…he fell to the ground. And stayed there. He said that his back was spasming like crazy up there. Of course it was. THE DEVIL INCARNATE then asked if he wanted medical to look at it. White Power Ranger then replies, “Nope. If medical would really look at my back I wouldn’t be here, so no, please don’t let them look at my back.” He’s almost too over the top for me. How do I even write something that’s funnier than what he’s already saying? It would be like writing a parody of Airplane or Young Frankenstein. He brings the crazy all on his own….Doesn’t need my help anymore. My little White Power Ranger is all grown up. He growsed up and he growsed up and he growsed up.

Back at camp after the challenge, White Power Ranger congratulates JT on his win saying that if he didn’t have asthma and a slipped disc and vertigo and rheumatoid arthritis and lactose intolerance and explosive diarrhea, well, he still wouldn’t have won because JT “brought it.” Then, JT and Gilbert assure White Power Ranger that, even if he gets 2 votes from Erinn and HULK, they would be voting for Erinn tonight. “I swear on my Dungeon Master’s Guide,” says Gilbert, “GLAYYYYYVINNN!”

At tribal council, Erinn says that White Power Ranger downplayed her and everyone else’s experience there when he talked about how great it was on ZOINKS SCOOOOOB!!!! ISLAND. Then White Power Ranger responded the only way he knew how – with a poem, of course. He says, “With friend and foe we march to the battle plain, some to seek success, others to seek fame. We play with honor for the love of this game, and with armor or without, we will toil in vain, so that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.” Then he continued, “I really enjoy the music of House of Pain. Do you like my dragon cane? The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Lame Lame Lame. Day by day, by day, by day.” Also, if someone remembers their name, will they have toiled in vain? I am pretty much 100% sure that he never has any idea what anything he says actually means. But “toil in vain” sounds like something Richard Carradine may have said, so it works for White Power Ranger.

So, in the end, Erinn and HULK did end up voting for White Power Ranger, but so did Gilbert. This left JT and White Power Ranger as the only two who voted for Erinn. And with that, we say goodbye to potentially the most entertaining Survivor contestant ever.

Don’t forget that this Sunday is the finale…and the reunion show. Which should be interesting. White Power Ranger got some ‘splainin to do.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOTHETICKTOCKYOUDONTSTOP EPISODE XI: TOO MUCH ANDREA? IS THERE SUCH A THING?

2009-05-01T14:20:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone, just a quick housekeeping tip before we get on with the show description. Ugh, why did I say that? “Just a quick housekeeping tip.” I really hate when people say that at the beginning of presentations. What does that have to do with housekeeping? You’re not cleaning anything. Are you turning down my bed? Putting a mint on my pillow? Calling the manager because of my inappropriate comments and/or gestures? Oh well, let’s just put that one in the parking lot. Damn, I did it again.

Anyways. So, yeah, I wanted to let you know that I will be away on vacation next week, so I will not be writing a recap. Huh? Oh, I am going to Disney with the family. So, I think I will be too drunk to write about the show next week. Oh, did I say drunk? I meant “enamored with the special times I am having with my family.” Yeah, I will be too “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” to write about it next week. In fact, I am surprised I can write about it this week, I am still a little “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” from last night. But I am excited for vacation. In fact, those that work with me may hear me making the “Yeoowwwww” noise that Mick Jagger makes in the beginning of Sympathy for the Devil all day today.

So, the show lastnight began with everyone coming back from tribal council talking about the Tyson blindside. JT and Stephen were trying to calm any potential fears in White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman. White Power Ranger was all, “Its cool. It was well-played.” Whatever. Andrea Zuckerman then repeated everything White Power Ranger said because she desperately needs to be liked. That’s obviously why she worked at the West Beverly Blaze in the first place. Because working on the school paper is a sure way to gain the respect of your peers, kids. Doing dope, however, is not. Just take a look at this anti-drug PSA from Hanna-Barbara which, I guess, is supposed to make you NOT DO DRUGS? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJTC_sX5cxs) I feel like this gets the message across…that smoking dope makes you see lots of colors and cool things like skeletons and stuff. Weird. That’s the same thing that my Grandpa told me when I was a youngster. Although those were in the “Pro” column of his “Weed – Yes or No” sheet we were working on. In the “Con” column were “this would come out of Granny’s Crystal Meth fund” and “may now find Carrot Top funny.” God, going to my grandparents’ house was scary. Scary awesome.

The next morning, scared for her future on the show, Andrea Zuckerman approached JT and Gilbert to see who they were thinking about voting off. They agreed that Sierra and Erinn would be next. Andrea Zuckerman then wondered, “Gilbert, JT and I talked about all of us being there towards the end, but do you believe them?” I say yes! But I am a pretty trusting guy. Like, I totally believed that Arnold would kill that guy last in Commando. What a liar. That’s why I didn’t vote for him. Well, I also don’t live in California. I also don’t agree with his views on how to handle Predators. I am a huge animal rights activist. Predators are people too.

Still nervous about her place in the tribe, Andrea Zuckerman approaches White Power Ranger about JT and Gilbert (wow, only one “real” name in that sentence and even that sounds fake.) If Sierra were to go and then Erinn, the original TIMBERRRRa tribe would be down to two, giving the original JellyBelly tribe members the numbers to have a majority. Hey remember when Andrea Zuckerman and Vanessa from The Cosby Show both had talk shows at the same time in the 90’s? It was like “The Battle of the Least-Liked Regulars.” If Tina Yothers had joined the fray, it would have probably counted as some sort of sign of the apocalypse. Man, Vanessa was just an awful, awful character. I even liked Elvin better than Vanessa. And his name was Elvin. Elvin. Probably the worst name ever on The Cosby Show. And that’s saying something. I mean, there was a character named Cockroach, fer chrissakes.

Andrea Zuckerman suggests then that maybe they should enlist Sierra and Erinn and align with them to take out JT, Gilbert, and HULK. Seriously, what’s up with HULK? I feel like she was a pretty central piece of the show at the beginning, but lately she hasn’t really played a big role on the show. I mean, she has been upstaged by Andrea Zuckerman, for crying out loud. This is even more surprising than the time that both Andrea and Brenda had a crush on the same teacher and he made a pass at Andrea. AT ANDREA!! OVER BRENDA! What??!!! That’s the confusion I am feeling right now…its like “Andrea over Brenda”-level confusion.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. This is one of those challenges I really like on the show. In it, each tribe member had to select which of their fellow tribemates fits a particular superlative. For instance, “who would you least like to win?” or “who is most likely to stab you in the back?” or “who would squander the million dollars the fastest?” or “who always makes a face like they just poured a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids in their mouth?” Then THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY would tally up the answers and ask each tribe member to then stand in a line and answer what they thought was the most popular choice. If you are right, you get to cut one of three ropes belonging to each member. If all three of someone’s ropes are cut, they are out.

By the way, the answer to all of those questions I posed earlier was Sierra. Poor Sierra. That must have been really awful to consistently have your name chosen as the most popular answer to “WHO IS THE WORST AT EVERYTHING?” This is what I always imagine it would be like for Aquaman when the Justice League yearbook comes out. While Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman always take home top honors – Most Popular, Most Attractive, Best Costume, Coolest Archenemy – Aquaman must always end up getting Worst Super Power, Worst Costume, and Worst Mode of Transportation. I mean, doesn’t he ride a dolphin or something? Yay Aquaman! You can do what only middle school girls dream of!! Seriously, if he covered himself in glitter and wrote “I luv Wayne 4-eva” all over himself in black Magic Marker, he would totally be the cover of my 7th grade girlfriend’s Trapper Keeper.

Oh, and Gilbert won the challenge. He won a Brazillian feast at some Brazillian family’s house and a swim in some sort of spring. Mark Burnett is obviously running out of ideas. Also, Gilbert could bring two people, so be brought HULK and JT because they both threatened to beat him up and take his lunch money if he didn’t. With the beating and the bullying and the HEY DON’T FLUSH MY HEAD DOWN THE TOILET. GLAYVIN!

And they sent Erinn to EVIL ON TWO LEGS!!! ISLAND.

At the reward, the three are escorted to a farm, where a family welcomes them in and feeds them. As they are eating, Gilbert says in a voiceover, “we were eating carrots and beets which are indigenous to Brazil” while HULK says “INDOGANOUS?” and JT says “blank stare.” While enjoying their meal, a 3 year-old girl falls out of her bench. HULK swoops down and picks up the girl and cradles her while her family ran out of the house, screaming, “EL CHUPACABRA!!!” It was really touching. And HULK cried because it made her miss her own kid. I guess it was supposed to be touching with this mutant rocking and cradling this kid, but it was less touching and more “OH MY GOD DID YOU NOT EVER READ OF MICE AND MEN BEFORE??’ to me. Thank goodness the child was released unharmed back to her family. But she will forever talk of the day when she was held by the “American Giant.”

Then they swam in some weird spring where an underwater geyser pushes up so much sand, it feels like they are floating. And they were all like, “WOW, THIS IS CRAZY I AM FLOATING….IN WATER. HAVE YOU EVER FLOATED IN WATER I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW CRAZY THIS IS.” It was pretty amazing. I felt like I was watching an episode of Mr. Wizard’s World. Not one of the cool episodes though. This was more like one of the later episodes when he just made us watch old slide shows of his trip to Southern Florida. “You see, this is how you play pinochle,” he would say. Damn, that show really jumped the shark when he developed Alzheimer’s.

Back at camp, things got crazy town. White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman approached Sierra and were all like, “We should align” and “you should be loyal to us” and “what you don’t want to align” and “well, where does your loyalties lie” and “well, fine if you don’t want to align with us then you will be voted off because we are honorable and always tell the truth except for when we say we are aligned with everyone else and you should therefore believe us because we do lie…but to everyone else but you and you should align with us and what? youre not? Then we are voting you out white power ranger and andrea zuckerman out.” It pretty much went like that. Sierra stood her ground and said she would not go with them in an alliance. Then Andrea Zuckerman cried. And this was good.

Later that day, when everyone is back from the reward, White Power Ranger approaches JT and tells him that Sierra approached him and Andrea Zuckerman and suggested an “Original TIMBERRRa” alliance and how he wanted nothing to do with it. Then Sierra pulls Gilbert aside and tells him that she was approached by Andrea Zuckerman and White Power Ranger about an alliance and when she said no they went BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. After this conversation, Gilbert comes up on White Power Ranger and JT talking on the riverbank and says he is worried about a TIMBERRA resurgence. White Power Ranger than changes his story a bit, saying that not only did Sierra say she wanted an alliance, but Andrea Zuckerman also was thinking about it. And he says the thought of this alliance just made him sick.

He’s not just lying. He is hella-lying. He’s “yeah, there are totally Weapons of Mass Destruction over there” lying. And I wouldn’t normally care. I mean, you lie in this game. Whatever. Part of the game. But he is always talking about how the “path of the true warrior is the path of the noble blah blah whatever” and other Golden Child crap and then he lies like this. And again, I STILL wouldn’t care. But its almost disturbing because I think White Power Ranger believes he is telling the truth. Like, at the reunion show, they are going to show this to him and I truly think his head is going to explode like Kramer’s giant rubber ball of oil.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribemates had to throw out this grappling hook on the end of a rope and try to snag three bags. The first three that complete this task move on to the second round of having to navigate a ball through a Labyrinth. Upon completing this, they then had to try and save their baby brother from an uncomfortably tight-pantsed David Bowie. You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. Hey remember the 80’s when it wasn’t creepy at all that David Bowie wanted to have sex with a teenager? Well, now you can relive all those memories again with “Crappy Music, Crappy Clothes, Movies that were Funny But Had Ridiculous Plots: The 80’s Box Set” !!!1111

Oh, um White Power Ranger won. And he had yet another awesome White Power Ranger. He yelled out DRAGONSLAYER!! and then did some impromptu Chong Ran after winning. So normal. Like, what do you do at that point? Congratulations? Later, back at camp, he recounted how the prayer and meditation he had been doing had prepared him perfectly for such a challenge. His face is like a fist-magnet.

Sierra then told JT all about White Power Ranger’s lying and JT was like, “its your word against his.” Sierra then offered up, “Well, I will confront him right now in front of you to prove I’m not lying.” And she did. And of course, White Power Ranger responds with stuff like “I have never lied in this game” amidst constant ponytail-fixing. The whole display ended with Andrea Zuckerman storming off in tears, shouting, “I’m too old for this!!!” Well, that never stopped you before, Andrea Zuckerman! I mean, you like 50 when you were portraying a high school newspaper editor, but that never stopped you. C’mon. That’s not the Andrea I know.

Also, how stupid are you, Andrea? I mean, White Power Ranger just called you our as trying to form an alliance with Sierra and you’re all, “Sierra, you are lying!!” This is worse than that time you decided to have sex with your RA even though you and Donna promised each other you would wait. You’re an awful person, Andrea Zuckerman.

JT and Gilbert then met and said that they were pretty sure Sierra just caught White Power Ranger in a lie. And Erinn tells Sierra she believes her and she is not writing her name down. This actually seemed pretty smart on their part and I was like, “Hey, good for them. They seem to be thinking intelligently and…oh wait” Tribal council….

At tribal council, White Power Ranger identifies Sierra as the catalyst for all the uproar in the tribe, even though he is the one lying his socks-pulled-up-to-his-knees off. Sierra rolls her eyes so hard it actually hurt me to look at her. Andrea Zuckerman says that she is probably a threat because she is physically strong and everyone likes her. Herm. Erm. Um. Uhhh…this is awkward.

In the end, the majority did the stupid thing and voted against Sierra. Except for Sierra, who voted against Andrea Zuckerman. And Erinn, who voted against Gilbert? Huh? That was your plan, idiot? Wow, the extra “n” is for “no idea what she is doing!!”

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOW-MATER EPISODE X: MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE TRIED EAR-BITING LIKE THAT OTHER TYSON GUY

2009-04-27T12:57:00.001-04:00

Hey…sorry about the late newsletter, but I was unavoidably detained. And that doesn’t mean “arrested for freeing a bunch of caged monkeys” like it did in Junior High. Animal activist? Hardly. I just was hoping to start my own army of drugged-up monkeys to fling poo at Jordan Knight. Didn’t work though. I ended up having to fling my own poo. It ended up being cool though because I made up a little sign that said, “Girl, You Know It’s Poo.” Unfortunately, that was a Milli Vanilli song, so it didn’t have the intended effect. Guess I should have gone with “I’ll Be Loving Poo Forever.”

True story.

Anyways, the show began on a mostly joyous tone. Most of the tribe was pretty happy at the Brandon blindside. Tyson said to Sierra, “You gotta admit that was bad ass.” Surprisingly, she did not admit that. It was though. It was super bad ass. It was straight-up gangster the way they all snuck around and made Brandon into a bad guy and then cast a secret ballot and smirked but didn’t make eye contact when he was voted out. It made that scene in Menace II Society when O-Dog got shot down look like Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie. I am not 100% sure what that means, but whatever. Now, we are all in the same boat. The S.S. What-the-frick??

So, Sierra responds by saying she was not a bad person for writing down White Power Ranger’s name, but that it was a hard choice to make. Really? To write his name down? I mean, I am not even competing for a million dollars against him and I am ready to vote him off. Off Planet Earth, that is. I sent a letter to my congressman already. And he responded back:

Mr. Citizen X,

As I have told you before (countless times), I cannot kick any individuals out of the city, state, or planet. I do not have this authority. That goes for this White Power Ranger as well as everyone else you have asked about – Meredith Grey, David Blaine, that wad of cash in the Geico commercials, Kate from Lost, Heidi and Spencer, Lady Gaga, King Bowser, that “drug dealer guy who turned into a snake in that 80’s public service announcement,” or the claw machine that kept dropping that Heathcliff stuffed animal you wanted. That last one is so ridiculous, I keep it in my jacket pocket for when things get rough to remind myself that there are people in worse shape than me in the world.

Additionally, as I have told you time and time again, I am not a congressman. I just help people out when they can’t figure out the Charlie Card machines at the T Station. I still don’t even know how you got my address. Or why you refer to yourself as “Citizen X” but still include your home address. Please stop sending me letters. And emails. And balloon bouquets. And locks of your hair.

Sincerely,
Harry Henderson

My government. Working for me.

White Power Ranger responded that, “in war, its either kill or be killed and you pitted yourself against me and BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Honestly, he is incapable of ever talking like a normal person. He takes every opportunity to pontificate. He’s a real pontificator. He wants so much to be Mr. Miyagi, doling out speeches of “squish. Like grape” –caliber here and there, but he just ends up coming off like a placemat in a Chinese restaurant – “The road of the true warrior must not be the straight and narrow, as this will make his journey complete. Another thing that is complete is Special #76 – pork fried rice, crab rangoons, and your choice of ½ entrée. You can’t get completer. Live long and prosper.”

Next we see White Power Ranger doing his, ahem, Chong Ran, in the water to celebrate his victory over Brandon. He says that he is proud of himself for winning against someone who is younger than him and faster than him. And stronger than him, though he caveats this with, “although I do benchpress 300 pounds. We were talking two days ago and he was like, ‘Really??’ so he doesn’t do that.” Yep, I am sure his “Really??” was because Brandon was like, “Wow, White Power Ranger. You are super strong!!” It probably wasn’t a sarcastic really, like…”Fonzie jumped over a shark. On waterskis. In shorts. And a leather jacket. Really?!” or “2 ½ Men is the #1 comedy in America? Really??!!” I am sure it was totally sincere, White Power Ranger.

Sierra took Tyson aside and said she made a mistake, but that everyone has basically betrayed everyone. Which was true. Of course, Tyson took the opportunity to be all smarmy and smart-alecky. And other words that begin with “sm”. For example, she says that she was not the mastermind behind anything. Tyson responds with, “I don’t think you were the mastermind. I don’t think you’re smart enough for it.” This from a man who says one of his favorite hobbies is sun bathing. And his jokes are just awful. Its kind of hard to explain, but remember all those awful 80’s sexploitation movies like “Hardbodies” or “Bikini Car Wash Company?” Remember how the jerk characters always told really bad jokes that were more mean than funny? Like, remember how funny Greg thought it was in Just One of the Guys to lift up the tables in the lunchroom or lift freshmen up by their wedgies? Well, Tyson is like that. His jokes are of Greg Tolan table-lifting quality.

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the contestants had to divide into two teams of four. The teams had to race out, grab these puzzle boards with holes in them. They then had to line up the holes to see vowels through them. And then they had to combine the vowels with the consonants provided to them to form a phrase which they had to unscramble. Here were the teams – White Power Ranger, Gilbert, Sierra, and HULK versus JT, Tyson, Erinn, and Debra. Wow, guess who won? This would be like if Carl Lewis, FloJo, Road Runner, and the Flash ran a road race against Mister Magoo, John Goodman, those two turtles from the Comcast commercials, and a stick of Big Red chewing gum. It is smuck teams is what I am telling you right now. Of course JT and Tyson’s team won. This resulted in them winning a feast and a martial arts dance thingy demonstration. You could hear White Power Ranger dying a little inside, which sort of made the whole thing worth it.

And they pick Gilbert to go to WHO’S THERE??? ISLAND.

At their reward, the four devour the food like starved hyenas to the horror of the onlooking Brazillians. Seriously, they ate the corn so fast, it looked like a Hekyll and Jekyll cartoon. Chalk one up for America. Debbie, meanwhile, starts to think about her life as a principal because she sees children there. You see, because there are also children in a school. And she is principal of a school. It was, um, touching? I understood it though. My old principal used to tell me every September how much he missed me because there was no one around to shine his shoes or wash his car or feel the wrath of his paddle. Then he’d sit back down on his corner and beg for more change. The other kids in the neighborhood would always tease me with, “school is held in that building over there” and “hey, that’s not a school, it’s a cardboard box” and “I am pretty sure that guy isn’t a principal” and “you should really call the police.” Kids can be so cruel.

Then came the martial arts dance. It was breathtaking. Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact, it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing. They were chopping them up. They were chopping them down. Its an ancient Chinese art. And everybody knew their part. From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip. Whoa-ho-ho-ho!!!

Also, Erinn threw up on her feet because she ate too much before partaking in the martial arts dancing. She equated herself to the kid who eats too much pizza and ice cream and then played in the ball pit and threw up. It reminded me of the time I ate three Lean Cuisines before Jazzercise. When we did the “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” routine, I tossed my cookies all over the rectory gym. I mean, what?? No no. It reminded me of the time I ate a whole deer carcass and competed in a decathalon and didn’t throw up because I am A MAN.

Back on I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW NANCY ISLAND, Gilbert was frustrated because he had hoped there would be a clue to a new idol since Brandon left with his, but there was not. So, he let out a primal Nerd Call that echoed through the trees. GLAYYYYVINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!11111

Back at camp, Debbie joins the ‘who is most annoying’ contest in a conversation with Sierra. Sierra, still scrambling, is pleading her case with Debbie. Debbie turns back to her and says “you chose the wrong action. Who goes if not you?” and on and on, talking about how she picked the right alliance and all that. Debbie, how dumb are you? You are literally on the lowest rung of the ladder in your alliance. You are the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. I was going to say you were the Screech of the group, but I think Screech actually had much more pull in his group than Andrea did. Screech was always included in Zack and Slater’s plans, so that made him pretty integral and he always had at least as much screen time as the other two male leads. Andrea, meanwhile, had an ongoing romantic tension with a main character for a while, had a baby, cheated on her husband, and was on freaking Jeopardy!, but always felt like an outsider. Therefore, Debbie, you are Andrea Zuckerman. Go forth and be awful.

Then comes another conversation between White Power Ranger and Sierra. Sierra is obviously trying to get into White Power Ranger’s good graces by telling him, if given another chance, she will be able to prove what a loyal person she can be. White Power ranger answers the only way he knows how, “The Samurai Warrior, if he did dishonor to himself or his family, you know what he would do? He would fall on his sword. Death before dishonor.” Samurai, Samurai, Samurai. Its always samurais with you, White Power Ranger. Steven Segal called. He wants his EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM back.

Then came the immunity challenge. It was basically shuffle board. Person closest to the target at the end wins. Of course, with THE DEVIL JEFF PROBST being the spawn of Hell, he has an offer to make. Those who feel safe enough to do so, can sit out the challenge and eat pizza. Gilbert, JT, and White Power Ranger sit out the challenge. It made sense. Gilbert never wins a challenge anyways, so I understand him sitting out. And JT is pretty well-liked, so I can see him not being too worried. White Power Ranger, at first surprised me, but then I remembered a wise Ninja once told me, “Ninja Pizza is pizza that quickly vanish without a trace.” That Ninja’s name? Michaelangelo.

In the challenge, Sierra actually came close to winning, with Andrea Zuckerman knocking her puck out of the way to move in and win at the last shuffle. Andrea Zuckerman wins immunity and the title of Most Likely to Succeed in the West Beverly Yearbook.

Back at camp, Tyson says that he can’t wait for tribal council and hopes that Sierra will cry a lot. I was going to make an obvious and tasteless joke about people named Tyson making women cry, but I have decided to take the high road and instead perform a Vaudeville routine:

Jackson: Why hello, Mr. Rebonwitz
Rebonowitz: Oh, hello Jackson
Jackson: Rebinowitz, If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Rebinowitz: I don’t know Jackson. If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Jackson: In a tie, Mortimer. In a tie.
Rebinowitz: Oh, Jackson. You are incorrigible.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program….

After this discussion, we cut to Gilbert, who suggests to HULK and Erinn that they blindside Tyson because he is such a strong competitor. He then goes to JT, who agrees. JT is later approached by White Power Ranger who says he completely trusts JT. Which was cool, because I was all, “oooooh…you shouldn’t trust him, White Power Ranger.” Did I say, “cool?” Because, obviously, me talking to my television and naming someone after a power ranger is pretty much the opposite of cool. Pretty much my whole life is the opposite of cool. For example, last Christmas, my wife gave me a DVD copy of the Worst Witch and I was super excited. Yeah, I am like anti-cool. But, maybe I am so not cool, that I am cool? No? Well, whatever…who wants to be cool anyways?

I do. Badly.

And, for those of you getting ready to complain. No, I did not reference The Worst Witch a couple of weeks ago. That was Teen Witch. The Worst Witch starred Tim Curry, a young Fairuza Balk, and Mrs. Garret. So…there. Did I mention I wasn’t cool? Good. I am glad we already covered that.

So, going into tribal council, I really was not sure what was going to happen. Would it be Sierra? Would it be Tyson? Would I care? One thing was for sure. White Power Ranger would probably say something stupid. And he did. It started out with Tyson saying that he likes everyone in his tribe except for Sierra. To this, Sierra speaks out against Tyson, whom she says is constantly badgering her. Good for her. Seriously, does he need to say half the things he says? Probably not. But, without the Greg Tolans of the world, how would people like Rick Morehouse emerge as the better person. Without evil, there can be no good. Without Sauron, there could be no Frodo. Without the Emperor, there can be no Luke. Without Oil Can Harry, there can be no Mighty Mouse. So, thanks Tyson, for being our Oil Can Harry.

Then, White Power Ranger defends his choice to vote off some and keep some as his way of keeping the strongest in the game. Because this is how the true samurai tests his worth, or whatever. Of course, there is a massive hole in this as PROBST immediately points out. He asks White Power Ranger why he voted off Brandon then. White Power Ranger backtracks a bit and says that Brandon made the mistake of pitting himself against the White Power Ranger. And that resulted in his departure. According to White Power Ranger, he is a ‘ravenous wolf’ who will take out his enemies. I thought he was a dragon slayer, but now he is a ravenous wolf? I am pretty sure he is just “whatever wood carving he can remember from last year’s Topsfield Fair. Next episode he will probably be a salmon jumping in a river or an old Native American woman. Or a sign that says “________’s Bar”

In the end, there was a tremendous blindside as Tyson was voted out. Seriously, it was a pretty awesome moment. He was smirking big time at the beginning and then, as his name kept getting read, the smirk got smaller and smaller. And Sierra was sitting there, with this look that said, “What the f?”

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOEJAMFOOTBALL EPISODE IX: WHITE POWER RANGER IS TEH SECOND COMING OF AWESOME !!!!1111

2009-04-17T11:23:00.002-04:00

You know, people ask me all the time, “Wayne, why do you write about this god-awful show?” or “If you hate it so much, why subject yourself to watching it week in and week out?” or “How do you get your hair to look so cool?” The answer to that last one is that I use a molding wax to style it and I don’t wash it every day so as to preserve the essential oils. But the answer to the last one will become evident as I recount one of the greatest moments in Survivor history. And who does it involve? Take a guess. C’mon. That’s right…

WHITE.POWER.RANGER.

O

M

G

!!!

The show started with the tribe hanging out at the fire…feeling all bummed out about Gimpy Joe and his Gimpy Knee having to be airlifted to ~~a Band-Aid~~ safety. So, to lighten the mood, White Power Ranger decides to tell a campfire story and share about the time he was ALMOST KILLED IN THE AMAZON. Now, remember, this is WORD-FOR-WORD:

“I could tell you guys a hundred stories…I want you guys to know that there are three people in the world that know this story. I was airlifted in. I had a military helicopter drop, actually drop me off…a couple of feet from the ground, up in the Peruvian border, where the Amazon supposedly starts. And it was real rapidy. I had an eighteen-foot kayak. I was paddling early one morning and I just felt like, “I;m being watched.” I look over and I think I see some indigenous people that are sitting there creeping through the bush. At first I counted six or seven of them. They were probably four, four and a half feet tall. And they’ve got their bow and arrows. They’ve got their bow and arrows drawn. They jerk me out of the kayak. They tie me up. They tie my hands behind my back. They tie my feet, they drag me into this hut. They tie me to this stake and they take turns beating me with a club. I don’t know how long it lasted, sometimes I blacked out. Sometimes I just went to a faraway place. I knew they were about ready to kill me. I finally wore through that rope and I slipped out the back. I got into my kayak, put it in the water and I paddled like hell. I paddled so hard that my hands started bleeding. I just can’t describe the feeling of being stalked by another human being.”

…

And that was the reaction. Silence. You could tell no one knew what to say….Then he continued, “And then there were these two cop cars. And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!” And then Gilbert was like, “More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to use your bathroom?” And Brandon chimed in, “More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?” And Erinn took up the cause with, “Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather’s Pizza.”

So White Power Ranger answered back with a confident tone, “Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.”

Then he did the Truffle Shuffle and RUTH. BABY. RUTH.

Good enough. For you. It’s good enough. For me. It’s good. It’s good enough.

Also, isn’t it great that it worked out that there was a Brandon in the movie and a Brandon in show? Life imitating art, right? Reminds me of last week when I walked into Foxwoods and saw this table full of dogs…playing poker. It was pretty awesome. Until I went up and patted one on the head and told him if he rolled over, I would give him a treat. He beat the hell out of me. Turns out they weren’t dogs. They were actually degenerate gamblers. I promise that’s the last time I combine mushrooms and Percocet at the casino. Had my fingers crossed!!

And why did Chunk address Brandon when he clarified his Michael Jackson story? It was actually Mikey who was questioning it. I am going to write a letter about this…”Dear Samwise Gamgee, why did Chunk not address you when he was clearing up his Michael Jackson bathroom story. Also, were you a Hobbit then too? Or did you become one afterwards? Do all Hobbits have asthma? And I would like to know how you managed to play football for Notre Dame with asthma and in the 1970’s? It must have been cool when you went camping with that guy from Footloose. The end.” I hope he replies…and with more than a restraining order like that stupid Indiana Jones when I asked him if when he lost his memory that one time if he still remembered flying spaceships and talking to Wookies.

So, anyways, of course no one believes White Power Ranger. Even though he is White Power Ranger. I believe him. I did talk to him about it, and he said most of the story is true. Except for the part about him being captured. And the part about it being in the Amazon. Well, really, what happened is he threw up on Disney World’s Jungle Cruise ride. So, pretty much, he was telling the truth.

Can you believe almost 1000 words and we are only five minutes into the show?

The next morning comes. And if you thought White Power Ranger was done being AWESOME, you are sadly mistaken. Of course, he was out there doing his Tae Kwon Dope (yep, I am keeping it up) and when he got back to camp, explained it further. According to him, it’s actually not Tai-Chi, but it is actually called “Chong Ran.” Of course, if you Google it, you won’t find it because its “only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,” Of course you do. I am sure its not totally made up. Also, this whole “American Revolution” thing. I am sure that’s, like totally true. Look man, don’t believe a word of it. What really happened is that, in America, this guy, America Americo, came over from Indonesia on these three ships – The Ninko, The Pinata, and the Santa Claus – and he sat on this rock. And when he was on this rock, he shot a turkey and ate it with a Native American. Then, he planted all these apple seeds and Americans grew from them. Then, President Nixon was an alien. I learned a lot from my Uncle Dewey….like how to drink paint thinner without dying. He was a smart man. Who died young. But NOT from drinking paint thinner. Stupid lying doctors.

Sierra told White Power Ranger he looked “hilarious out there.” Of course, White Power Ranger couldn’t take this lying down because he is the self-appointed Dragon Slayer. He said to the camera, “You know if you look at it, to defeat an army, you have to cut the head off the dragon, which is why I nicknamed Brandon ‘The Dragon’…hence my name, ‘The Dragon Slayer.’ Sierra is the bowel movements that come out of the dragon. After Brandon, Sierra’s gotta go.” Couple of points – (A) Again with the dragon armies? And (B) a couple of weeks ago, with White Power Ranger calling everyone “cancer” I did suggest he start calling people “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” because 2009 was the “Year of IBS” He seems to have misread my advice a little bit, but I am glad he is listening.

Did I just put in a pop-culture reference to my own newsletter about pop-culture references? I am so meta.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe was split into teams of three that were to break these tiles of the other two smaller teams with these metal balls. If all your tiles are broken, you are out. Last three-person team standing wins. And they win a white water rafting trip to a beach where they can eat brownies and sandwiches. Look, I love white water rafting but after not eating for a long time and being tired, I don’t know how much of a “prize” that would be. It’d be like if the prize for winning the Boston Marathon was a climb up Mount Everest. Or if your prize for winning my Survivor pool was being “Clockwork Orange-ed” into watching back-to-back episodes of Punky Brewster, Saved by the Bell, and 90210 followed by looped showings of Karate Kid, Teen Wolf, and every Wrestlemania of the 80’s. Or maybe its nothing like that. What do you want from me? Its not like I get paid to write these things.

So, the team that won was JT, Brandon, and Debra (who??) They also got to send someone to I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!! ISLAND. They chose Gilbert. Probably because of his performance in the challenge where every one of his throws didn’t go more than 2 feet. Hey did you know – nerds can’t play sports. Look at Lucas. Sure, he got a nice slow-clap at the end, but he got killed out there. Nerds should only play Chess and Dungeons & Dragons. Leave the sports to us real jocks. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, those jokers…they’re always leaving me and going off to have sex. Its cool though…because when they get too drunk to drive or need someone to cheat off in chem class, they’ll let me know. We’re best friends.

Also, when Gilbert was leaving to go to DON’T FALL ASLEEP ISLAND, White Power Ranger was like, “Be the Wizard.” I…I don’t know. But, hey remember The Wizard with Fred Savage? I do…I remember after that movie, I needed two things – I needed a power glove and I needed Super Mario Brothers 3. I would spend hours upon hours playing that game…wearing raccoon suits and frog suits and…oh, hold on, that’s my cell. Oh, I gotta get going soon. I need to go get the money I was saving up for a telescope so I can bail the captain of the football team out of jail for busting up mailboxes. I love my friends.

So, stranded on ZOINKS!!! ISLAND, Gilbert is scared because he doesn’t know how to make fire. But then he does. And he says it’s the happiest moment of his life. Even better than the time he kissed a girl. Which hasn’t happened yet. Because he is nerd.

On the whitewater rafting trip, I don’t know. Brandon and JT fell in love, I guess. Brandon says he wants to bring JT to the finals because he is such a good guy and deserves it. “If he wins it, it’s like me winning it.” Except, you know, without the million dollars and the fame and sense of victory and all that. So, yeah, its pretty much the same. Dolt.

Then, the next morning, Brandon approaches Sierra. She starts in with, “OK, so we vote off JT and then what?” Then Brandon was like, “Oh, I think we should keep JT because he is awesome and I think he is cool and I love him and want to have his baby and just back up a little bit and forget everything I said after ‘I think he is cool.’” Sierra then says that JT is like “the greatest person she has ever met” or something like that. In Sierra’s defense, she has only actually met like three other people before coming here. Two of them were Eliot Spitzer and Damien, the kid from The Omen. The third was Mayim Blalik of TV’s Blossom. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say, the “greatest person Sierra has ever met” competition wasn’t all that fierce.

The immunity challenge involved the tribe members being attached to ropes that wove around these structures in complicated ways. Extremely exciting. There was two rounds. The top three from the first round made it to the second round. And the winner of the second round won immunity. Tyson, Brandon, and JT made it to the second round while HULK, Gilbert, and White Power Ranger struggled lots. Surprise, surprise. Those three are the worst everything, except for being easily nicknamed by me. At that, they excel. In the second round, it really came down to Brandon and Tyson. Tyson won, proving once more that there is no God.

After immunity, Tyson reinforces his plan from last week that they split the votes between Sierra and Brandon, who they are still saying is, I don’t know, a sneaky dragon? Whatever, I get it. White Power Ranger likes dragons and wizards. I bet he drives a van.

Also, on the beach, JT and Gilbert discuss White Power Ranger’s Amazon story. They, of course, don’t believe it. JT goes on, “I’d go back with a damn thirty-thirty Winchester and see what them bows do then” and Gilbert just sort of laughed it off. But I found that a telling statement. I mean, could there have been a more out-of-place thing to say? Like, hey, I don’t believe it…but also, I am manly. Gilbert, meanwhile, said that if it were him he would use his Level 9 Wizard wand and send those natives back to Minas Tirith. Did I mention he is nerd?

Now, just when I think White Power Ranger couldn’t get any awesomer, along comes tribal council. Of course, his story comes up yet again and BEELZEBUB says that it seemed like some weren’t believing ol’ WPR. So, of course, White Power Ranger says he doesn’t care and says that he has been through like six or seven life-and-death situations – a hurricane, shark attacks, etc. Wow. Who does he think he is? Chuck Norris? Oh…he does? He thinks he’s Chuck Norris? Well, carry on then.

He also said that he gave the tribe members the toned-down version of the story, “Usually when I tell these stories, I try to give the PG-13 version of it.” The next part he told was bleeped-out, but I think he said that they tried to eat his, um….erm…his….Can I even say it? Pooper. There. I said it. Its been a pleasure working with you all…

But yeah, that’s what he claims they did…though I don’t know how they would have tried and not succeeded. They must have tried it and then thought better of it. Or maybe it was a dare. Or maybe I should stop talking about it because my brain is starting to shut down due to me implanting the image in there and when my brain shuts down I lose the ability to make coherent traffic light duckbill chapstick Spongebob.

Then, THE DEVIL asked if anyone had the immunity idol. Everyone said no, except Brandon who said, “yes.” Whatever. Everyone knew. Then, after the votes were cast, it was asked if anyone wanted to use the hidden idol. Brandon didn’t. And was voted out. Good move, Brandon. And by “good” I mean “bad” because I am clever. The end.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TICKTOCKTOCANTINS EPISODE VII: LOOKS LIKE WE WON’T BE “KNEE”-DING YOU AFTER ALL. WORDPLAY=LOLZ!!1

2009-04-13T11:57:00.001-04:00

Hey all, I don’t have much time because the government is after me. What’d I do? Well, you know Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses? Well, I cut one of ‘em off! Yeah, I got a real bad temper.

I always thought that was the dumbest law.

So, the show started with Jallygolightly coming back to camp after voting out Sydney, feeling just plan old down in the dumps. HULK says, “WE JUST JALA, WE LOSE PAO.” I am not really sure what that means, but at least she is trying. Which is more than I can say for the guy who wrote Rhett’s rap in Teen Witch:

I’m king
And they know it
When I snap my fingers,
Everybody says, “Show it!”

I’m hot
And you’re not
But if you wanna hang with me
I’ll give it one shot

Top that, top that
You can give all that you can, but you’ll never top that
You can dream until you’re blue, but you can never top that

Also, imagine this sung, on the street, by someone in a multi-colored button down with a bright blue tank top, pegged jeans up to his knees, and white high tops. Then imagine me, little Wayne, thinking that this was something to aspire to. Now, you understand why we are where we are, right now.

Over at the TIMBERRRRRRa camp, White Power Ranger is practicing his karate moves in the water. Actually, its Tai Chi. Though its really not, I don’t think. He is just sort of moving his arms around and doing a poor imitation of the Heisman trophy. It was really just a big ball of awful, much like most everything the White Power Ranger does. Well, except for fighting Z-Putty Patrollers. He excels at that. Though who wouldn’t? They sort of just stand there and wiggle their arms around just waiting for a roundhouse to the face. I. Will. Defeat. You. Now!

Brandon noticed it as well. “Do you see White Power Ranger out there,” he mused to everyone else. And that was all he said. He is quite good at observing things and smiling, like he plans on telling a joke. But then he sort of just leaves it open for you to come up with your own punchline. I imagined him saying, “Is he practicing Tae Kwon Dope??”

It did seem to be a turning point for White Power Ranger, though. He then went around massaging the shoulders of his tribemates. So, cool…he went from total ass to total creep. It’s an improvement, I guess. A small one, but an improvement nonetheless. Like when Scott shot himself on 90210. It was like, “Hey, he really wasn’t on it all that much…but now David can finally hang out with the ‘cool group’ without any guilt.” And this leads, of course, to David climbing the social ladder, wearing heavily patterned 90’s-wear, trying his hand at music with “The Commotions,” getting hooked on drugs, running the Peach Pit After Dark, having sex with Kelly Kapowski, and marrying Donna and her chest valley. Actually, hmmmmm. That was a bigger improvement than I had expected. It’s a good thing Scott’s Dad was so careless with his firearms. Lesson learned.

Back at JalahavingtroublecomingupwithmorenamesIreallyhopethemergehappenssoon, its UH-OH JOE!!! His knee infection is getting super gross. Its making his knee all swelled up. And when I say “swell,” I don’t mean it in a “gee, that’s swell” kind of way. Just to be sure. It basically looks like what I would imagine Arulanantham Suresh Joachim’s leg to look like. Hahaha, I know. What a hilarious observation, right? Huh? What do you mean you don’t know who he is? Ummmm…does the Vihara Maha Devi Park Open Air Stadium ring any bells? I thought so. I know. 76 hours, 40 minutes. It’s crazy.

Oh, just google it, for chrissakes.

Then treemail arrives and everyone assumes it’s a merge. Because it says there will be a feast and some other crap. But who know….it may not be. This game is always throwing us for a loop. Plus, it showed merge in the previews which probably means there will be a huge twist and the tribe members will probably oh never mind it’s a merge after all.

They tribe members meet in the middle of the woods where they are instructed to swap their buffs and come up with a new name. Gilbert suggests something like Dingus which I think was supposed to mean something in Portugese. Of course, the tribe laughed him off, leaving him to put away the rest of his list, mumbling something like, “Man, this is just like gym class. Glayvin!” I, however, obtained the exclusive rights to said list and will post them here, for your perusal:

1. Dingus
2. The Robots
3. Tron
4. The Depths of Mordor
5. Seven of Nine
6. The Knights Who Say, ‘Neep!’
7. Gryffindor
8. Dr. Zaius
9. Queensryche
10. Mr. Mxyzptlk

White Power Ranger quickly stepped up with the name, “Forza”, which means strength in Portugese. Although it doesn’t. I am sure he meant Força. Which also doesn’t mean strength, but actually means, basically, “kick ass” and is also the name of a song by Nelly Furtado. Forza, however, is a magazine for Ferrari owners and enthusiasts. I guess that makes sense. I would probably enjoy beating both Ferarri owners and members of the Forza tribe. For different reasons of course. One group out of jealousy and one out of pure, unbridled hatred. Try and guess which is which. Also, I love that song by Nelly Furtado about “Grillz.”

So, yeah…they merge. And eat. And then Sierra asks why they voted out Sydney. And all of a sudden, everyone is like, “OMG, I can’t believe she asked that!” I didn’t really understand the uproar. It seemed a perfectly valid question. Gilbert, however, was taken aback, “You do need to be discreet about how much information you give out. These are your future competitors. You can’t just be giving out your entire tribe dynamic.” Then, Sierra watched as everyone took turns giving him wedgies and stuffing him into lockers. It’s a good thing no one from TIMBERRRRa can see how he fits into the tribe. Dingus.

When the newly formed Forza tribe arrives at the old TIMBERRRa camp, the Jalapeno four are surprised to see the cruddy Eeyore-like lean-to they have been living in. JT takes charge and they begin constructing new living quarters. Then, the existing TIMBERRRa members ask if they want to go for a walk to explore camp. Gilbert comments on this, saying that the TIMBERRRa members are pretty bossy. He’s right. The nerve of them wanting to show them around…right in the middle of them DECONSTRUCTING THEIR ENTIRE CAMP.

JT and White Power Ranger go off to do a little male bonding and catch some fish. White Power Ranger, not content with doing anything like a normal person, calls it “the art of the cast” instead of fishing. When JT asks White Power Ranger if he’s ever fished, he answers, “No, but I would be really excited to learn!” No, of course he doesn’t say that. Instead, he says, “Yes, but only fly fishing…which is a much harder way to fish.” Seriously, everything this guy says annoys the crap out of me. Is it just me that feels this way? Eh, probably…since no one else watches this godforsaken show.

Then, White Power Ranger says he and JT are kindred spirits because they are both “warriors.” They are both shootin’ at the walls of heartache. Bang! Bang! Then, JT tells White Power Ranger that Brandon probably has the hidden immunity idol and that could be dangerous. This sets in motion one of the crazier domino effects I have seen in a while. I will get to it shortly. For now, it has White Power Ranger declaring some sort of vendetta against Brandon, “If you flat out lied to me, you better be prepared to go to war!” I am not 100% on what he lied about. The hidden immunity idol? What? Why? Huh? But it did get me thinking how great it would be to go to war with White Power Ranger. Like, if I had a rocket launcher and I could aim it right at his face. And then…and then he would be on his knees begging for his life and I would be all…oh, sorry. Sorry. I got carried away there.

Later, White Power Ranger goes to Tyson and Gilbert and brings them into his alliance with JT, focusing still his sights on Brandon. “Brendan is the head of the dragon and in order to defeat the army, you cut off the head of the dragon.” He then continued, “He who goes to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger.” He is extremely deep. What army has a dragon’s head? Does he mean an army of dragons? How has he not been punched yet?

Anyways, as I said, this set off this weird domino effect, where all of a sudden Brandon was regarded as the sneakiest bastard ever on Survivor. Tyson started to scramble and make plans to oust Brandon, while saying “He just seems like a sneaky bastard. I can’t look him in the eye and believe a word he says.” Then he started talking about how he can get Brandon to believe anything he says. Erm. Also, I am still not sure of what Brandon did that was so sneaky, but he is officially the Dr. Claw of Forza. Unfortunately for them, none of them are even close to Brain or Penny, so White Power Ranger’s Inspector Gadget-like ineptitude and overconfidence will probably end up being his downfall. How’s that for deep?

Tyson then brings Debbie (who?) into their alliance, making it five. He then says that Brandon is like “putty in his hands” and he can mold him however he wants. Because Brandon is sneaky. Sneaky putty. Honestly, this stuff sometimes writes itself.

Erinn and Gimpy Joe then go searching for the hidden immunity idol based on the clues they received at THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE ISLAND. Of course, the idol isn’t there, and Erinn makes a plan to vote out Brandon and Sierra since they probably have the idol. Just because you say something out loud doesn’t mean its going to happen, Erinn. The extra “n” is for “not thinking clearly.”

Next up was the immunity challenge. And its an endurance one where the tribe members have to try and hold onto a pole as long as they can without falling off. Before the challenge starts though, LUCIFER HIMSELF tells Gimpy Joe his leg does not look too good. Then he has him climb to the top of a pole and hold on. Because he is the devil, you see. Then, they all climbed up and most of them fell except for one. And that one was Tyson. It was incredibly exciting.

After the challenge was over, MEPHISTOPHELES told Gimpy Joe to stay after class. Because he was a bad boy. I mean, because his leg looked bad and needed medical attention. The doctor said something about the leg not looking good and the infection being too close to the bone and the risk of death, but I don’t really remember. I think the doctor was Australian and I don’t know…I can’t really take anything said in that accent too seriously. I apologize to all the Australians out there, but your accent is really only usable for telling me that “that’s not a knife,” or singing about hot potatoes, or warning me to look out for crocs, or saying, “Charlie”…or maybe, just maybe telling me that Foster’s is Australian for beer. Other than that, I don’t know. It just doesn’t work. Wait, one more…it also works if its being used by a bunch of BMX-riding teens on the run from crooks after discovering their walkie-talkies.

Back at Forza, Erinn is suggesting they vote out JT because he seems like a bigger threat than Gimpy Joe and his bum knee. Tyson says he will do just that and then says to the camera that it was all a ruse. A cunning attempt to try to trick her. He said that, “In my alliance now, Stephen and JT have replaced Brendan and Sierra. As the old adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” So, is he saying that Stephen and JT are his enemies? Or his friends? I am so confused. Also, I can see why he has such a problem with Brandon. Its obvious that Tyson lives by a strict moral code none of us can even imagine. He’s like a disgustingly skinny, blonde Santa Claus. Eat, Tyson! Eat!

Now, Gilbert and Tyson realize that if Brandon plays his idol, they could be screwed and seeing JT go home. Therefore, they decide to split their votes between Brandon and Sierra so that their votes will not count. Tyson even counted on his fingers, so you know it’s a good plan. And then they tell White Power Ranger the plan, and he agrees. Then he said he is brilliant! Because he agreed with someone else’s idea, I guess.

However, DON’T FORGET ABOUT JOE!!!

THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY then shows up and, like the demon spawn of hell is known to do, throws a big ol’ monkey wrench in the plans. He informs them that Joe is being helicoptered to a nearby hospital to get his leg treated. And he will, therefore, not be playing the game anymore. This negates the need for a tribal council and prompts White Power Ranger to say, “The dragon slayer has to wait another day to taste blood.” How great is the day going to be when he is voted off…Wow, do I hate this guy?

Joe, meanwhile, is choosing to keep his leg rather than win a million dollars. Stupid. With a million dollars, he could buy 8 legs. And be a crazy, octopus man. And then he could walk down the street, talk on the phone, and still have enough limbs leftover to carry four churros and a large Mountan Dew Code Red. Obviously, Joe has not properly prioritized his life goals.

Until next time,

Wayne

SURVIVOR TOKENPLEASE EPISODE VI: HI, I’M JULIA CHILD AND BAM NINJA KICK WHITE POWER RANGER COOKS

2009-04-07T11:20:00.003-04:00

So, I know it’s been two weeks since we last talked, but I…What? The show hasn’t been on. I’ve been busy. I know I should have called, but you know how things go. No, of course not. I still think you’re a super person. I just needed some space. C’mon. Don’t be like that. Hey, remember how you laughed when I did that whole paragraph about Michael J. Fox movies? We’ve had some good times. The NCAA tournament meant nothing to me. What we have...what we have is real. There you go. That’s the smile I love. Hello my friend, hello. It’s good to need you so.

So I resisted the “temptation” to watch the “highly anticipated” ER series finale on Thursday so I could watch Survivor. And by highly anticipated, I mean lowly anticipated. Seriously, the last time I watched ER, I think I had just found out about this new type of technology called “mp3” that let me download music right onto my computer. And I used that newfangled technology to download Sisqo’s Thong Song onto my Super Mario-skinned Winamp player. It was a long time ago is what I am saying to you now. Now, when the Eliot Gould E/R ended, that was a dark day. “Stay in back of the white line!!!”, right? God, that was a good show. Little bit of trivia for you here – Did you know that George Clooney’s first television role was “Ace” on E/R long before his much more successful stint as Dr. Ross on the “slashless” ER. Another bit of trivia for you – Did you know that ER stands for Emergency Room? The More You Know.

Oh right. Survivor. So, the show essentially started with Sydney being concerned for her safety on the show because she isn’t really good at anything and she doesn’t really have any friends. So, essentially, Sydney is like the Bizarro Me. Never fear, though, because Joe thinks she is hot. He promised her she would be safe. Because she was hot. Its cool, Joe. Heck, I once told a girl I could bring her cat back from the dead just to get her to hold my hand. The crazy thing, though? I did bring it back. After I buried it in the Mi'kmaq burial ground. Then, I brought back this creepy little kid who got hit by a truck. Then, he wanted to play with yewwwwwww. Then, Herman Munster said dead was better. Then, the Ramones sang a cool song. The end. True story.

At TIMBERRRRa, things are also not going all that great. The White Power Ranger, apparently, knows everything. Including bean cookery. He insists that the beans should be softer, so he adds more river water, which in turn means they need to be cooked longer. This is, of course, not something the rest of the tribe wants. So, he extends their cooking time. Brandon, meanwhile, barks that “look, I am a dog, and I therefore know when it is going to rain. And I knew it was going to rain, so I was like, ‘don’t cook them beans.’ This is just another one of those ‘White Power Ranger Moments’ “ Or something like that. Then it rained, and everyone except White Power Ranger went under the shelter to keep dry. White Power Ranger had to stay out there and cook his beans. So, I was like, “Hey, that’s cool. White Power Ranger is sticking to his ninja blades.” But then, like 5 seconds later, he also went under the shelter…and I was like “White Power Ranger? More like Suck Sucker Ranger.” So, yeah, the beans were of course overcooked.

Seriously, White Power Ranger is unbelievable. Every single time he tries to look like he knows what he’s doing and goes against what everybody else is saying he should do, he looks like a doof. He’s like a less likable Clark Griswold. Like, his tribe is Ellen saying, “Clark, don’t you think it would be easier if we flew to Wally World.” And White Power Ranger is all, “because getting there is half the fun.” Then, White Power Ranger would end up lost in the desert, being made fun of by Native Americans, while TIMBERRRa would be all, “I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives.”

Wow, what? Seriously, I don’t know how we ended up there, but it was a fun trip, huh?

And then, the rest of the tribe did call him out for it, especially Sierra. White Power Ranger turned it around and laughed it off, saying something to the effect of, “Its always about the Beans. Beans, beans, beans, beans.” He then added, “they truly are a magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you toot. Not content on stopping there, he continued, “and beans are good for your heart. The more you eat. The more you DROPKICK NINJA JUMP HI-YA!” White Power Ranger wins.

There was also this great moment where, while White Power Ranger was talking, he was doing that arm-swing “this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy” clap thing (another Vacation reference? OMG!!!11)…and Brandon was doing it too. Then, all of a sudden, he looks down and notices he is DOING EXACTLY WHAT WHITE POWER RANGER IS DOING and he stops, looking at his hands incredulously. He seemed genuinely disgusted with himself for mimicking White Power Ranger. Honestly, if there was a window nearby, I’m pretty sure he would have jumped out of it.

Back at Jallywood, HULK and Gilbert are considering telling JT about the hidden immunity idol. It went something like this:

HULK: HULK THINK WANT 1…2…UM…3 PERSON ALLIANCE IN TRIBE. WANT TELL JT ABOUT IDOL.
Gilbert: Well, according to my mathematical equations, it would seem preposterously silly and downright moronic for us to inform JT of the existence of that particular bauble. Glavin!
HULK: …
Gilbert: I think it’s a bad idea with the telling and the JT and the idol and the “giving up the secret.”
HULK: HULK NOT TELL ABOUT PUNKY BREWSTER DOG ALLIANCE. ONLY IDOL TALK.
Gilbert: (thinking to himself) She’s not budging. I have to outwit her somehow. But how will I penetrate that mind of hers? How will I…I’ve got it! (to HULK) These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
HULK: THESE ARENT DROIDS HULK LOOKING FOR…WHAT ME TALKING ABOUT BEFORE?
Gilbert: No worries…hey, wanna wrestle?
HULK: YIPPEE!
Annnnnnd…scene!

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, each team has to build an intricate little barricade of sorts through which the other team has to throw pigs.

I am just going to let you soak that one in.

Honestly, what? What is this? Double Dare? Speaking of, Double Dare was awesome. Remember how awful it was when they wouldn’t make it to physical challenge in a question set? Although, paradoxically, it always surprised me that they even had to go to physical challenge. Even my idiot kid brain knew the answers to all those ridiculous question. Here is a sample scene:

Marc Summers: This animal barks, has four legs, chases cats, and rhymes with log.
Blue Team: (long pause)….Ummmmmmm, Dare!
Marc Summers: Red Team?
Red Team: (whispers in each others’ ears for a few seconds…) DOUBLE DARE!
Marc Summers: Blue Team – You can either answer the question or go for the physical challenge.
Blue Team: (looking crazy confused)…Um, Oh, Um…Welll, PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!
Marc Summers: The correct answer was dog, you morons! Now, line up in front of our groin kicking machine while your teammate throws rotten eggs at you.

Thank God for stupid kids or that show would have sucked. Plus, that show was the first place I ever saw the Watchman. I remember I was like, “I. MUST. HAVE. IT.” Then I got it and it was all I expected it to be, which is to say it was nothing at all like I expected it to be. Watching grainy, flickering episodes of Small Wonder while constantly having to adjust the dial as I moved was not as magical as I had expected.

Where was I? Oh, yeah…TIMBERRRRRRa won the challenge. What did they win? A barbecue at a waterfall. And they sent Joe to DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE ISLAND!!!! And he chose Erinn to go with him. Because he thought she was hot. I am sensing a theme here with old Joe. Creepy. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. His luxury items were ROOFIES AND HANDCUFFS.

So, yeah, TIMBERRRa goes off to enjoy burgers and cold drinks. Tyson exclaims that he is going to “eat enough to puke” and then eat some more. Which is charming…as Tyson usually is. Then they swam and played in the water like moronic, unlikeable mermaids. And they forgot their differences and just enjoyed themselves. Except for White Power Ranger, who pretended to forget his differences and was like, “I kinda feel bad for Erinn because she is missing this,” but continued, “eh, but screw her crap.” That White Power Ranger sure is cruddy.

Back on DID YOU HEAR THAT???ISLAND, Joe lets Erinn pick the first urn because he’s a gentleman. And he also wants sex. Erinn picks the one with the clue and reads it to herself. She realizes the idol is back at camp and wrestles with the idea of telling Joe. Then she tells him. It wasn’t a very exciting wrestling match. It was a lot like the time Lawrence Taylor took on Bam Bam Bigelow in Wrestlemania XII Oh really? LT won? Of course he did. You try wrestling a crackhead. There is absolutely no way to win. They’re wiry.

So, back on JalleBerry, HULK and Gilbert realize that once Joe comes back, he will probably know where to look for the idol and once he does, he will realize that HULK probably has it. So, totally out of character, HULK smartly creates a fake idol and hides it at tree mail. Totally in character, she also stupidly puts the real idol at the top of her bag, where JT discovers it. Then he goes to Gilbert and tells him that he found it. Gilbert plays dumb and then goes to HULK and tells her to tell JT about it and make it look like she just thought of telling him. And JT falls for it. Like, what a coincidence. He tells Gilbert about it and, like, 5 seconds later, she tells him about it? Wow. That really worked out well. It was like that time on Lost when we were asking, “hey, why wouldn’t Ben remember that Sayid tried to kill him” and then 2 seconds later, Richard said Ben wouldn’t remember any of this. I love when things just come together like that.

Ooh. Um. Spoiler Alert?

The immunity challenge had one member (who could swap out at any time) from each tribe shooting a slingshot at columns of sand, basically. Tyson and JT take up the slingshots for each tribe first. Tyson gains an early lead while JT struggles. Tyson takes this opportunity to say an unfunny (surprise??) comment like, “Hey, I can shoot for you if you want.” He is brilliant. Seriously. He is to funny putdowns as Ralph Kramden is to solid business ideas. JT, however, was not doing great…this is true. As I said, he could switch out, but he decided to wave them off saying, “I got this.” He was like Rudy in that movie Rudy hushing the naysayers as he emerged, senior year, onto the field at Notre Dame. Except nothing like that happened here. Here, JT continued to be awful and led his team to defeat. YAY!!!

So, now, Jalaback-y’all is facing tribal council. Joe takes an opportunity to check the tree mail skirt for the hidden idol, which he finds. Of course, it’s the fake idol that HULK created. Joe is on a quest now to vote off HULK and keep ~~his victim~~ Sydney safe. HULK, however, has other plans – scheming with JT and Gilbert to vote off Sydney. JT considers momentarily voting off HULK with Gilbert since they can hold onto the idol. But he intelligently decides that’s not a good idea. I have to agree – with merge coming up, voting off HULK would probably not have been the smartest idea since she was the glue in their cross-tribal alliance. With her gone, however, it would be a toss-up between Erinn and Sierra for the hottest chick on the show, currently. Erinn looks sort of like a less attractive “Corpse Bride” and Sierra always looks like she just tasted something gross. So, there is also that to consider.

At tribal council, HULK says, “ME HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN OTHER TRIBE AND THIS GOOD FOR US AT MERGE.” Sydney counters with, “I am loyal and do not have relationships with the other tribe.” I counter with, “I just want to get this over with and watch The Office.” In the end, Sydney was voted out and Joe was left feeling unsatisfied.

Until next time,
Wayne

NEWS-VIVOR!

2009-03-20T07:51:00.001-04:00

So, I just wanted to let you all know that Survivor was not this week due to the NCAA tournament. I am not completely sure what that is, but I think it has to do with fighting to the death on remote island. My My Little Pony tournament, however, is in full swing. Last night, there were a couple of close ones as the favorite Blossom overtook Butterscotch in a close victory and Moondancer in an impressive comeback reminiscent of Lemon Drop’s victory over Cotton Candy last year. I can’t wait until tonight when Snuzzle takes on Sprinkles…this one is a match-up for the ages. It’s also great because in the end, we all gather together – winners and losers – and brush each other’s hair. So, in a sense, we are all winners. Except that jerk Moonstone. I mean, seriously, how full of herself can one pony be? Wow, so you’re a unicorn. I’m really impressed.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it wasn’t on this week. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Its also not really on next week. You see, they are running a “Last 15 days” special which recounts the, um, last 15 days. And we have already lived through that, no? Writing about that show would make about as much sense as buying the second Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits album. You know, the one with Abracadabra on it. Keep me burnin’ for your love with the touch of a velvet glove. I seriously have no frakkin’ idea what that even means. Also, he wants to reach out and grab ya.

On April 2nd, the show will return with a new episode and everything will be back to normal. I suggest maybe taking the next couple weeks off work and just hiding out in your house/apartment/seaside shanty until this whole thing blows over. Here are some activities you can do to pass the time:

-See how many words you can make out of the letters in your first name

-Make paper bag puppets and have them act out the “Summer Lovin’” scene from Grease

-Take up Skeet shooting. And by Skeet, I mean Skeet Ulrich.

-Drink yourself into oblivion

-Write to your local congressman about how they should give out free lollipops at the voting booths.

-Tell your cat you love her.

-Bounce a ball as many times as you can in one day. Then, make a game out of it and see if you can beat your record the next day.

-Buy the album Ashes of the Wake by Lamb of God and play it on high speed, pretending it’s the Chipmunks. Hearing Alvin sing “Chastisement lays you down to sleep, tucks you in with bloody kisses. Gifts of nightmares bitter sweet” is worth it.

-Hand out Jack Chick pamphlets at your local train station.

-Stare into the abyss.

So, I hope this all helps and, seriously, this post was only going to be like two sentences.

Until then,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOOKANDBRANDYBUCK EPISODE V: YOU’RE ALL DUHM’ED

2009-03-16T08:49:00.001-04:00

I’ll be honest…this week’s episode was actually pretty entertaining. The challenges ended up being pretty good – comical and injuring, and I was actually not sure who was going home as we headed into tribal council. I may even say this was my favorite episode of the season. But, you know, that’s like saying Jaoquin has done the least amount of drugs in the the Phoenix family. But, whatever, take what you can get, Survivor.

The show started with Stephen, the lovable nerd, rubbing HULK’s back. Or maybe he was just itching it. Honestly, it was just too painful to watch, so I switched over to QVC for those few seconds. And I found the most darling set of commemorative plates. Seriously. It was a set of plates chronicling every single time an actor in an ABC TGIF show played the cousin of the character they normally played. Highlights included the Perfect Strangers episode with Balki’s cousin Bartok (also played by Bronson Pinchot) and the Full House episode with Uncle Jesse’s cousin Stavros (also played by John Stamos) and the Family Matters episode with Urkel’s cousin Myrtle (also played by Jaleel White) and the Family Matters episode with Urkel’s cousin Cornelius Euegene Urkel (yep, also played by Jaleel White). Hey, remember the Urkel?? Remember the 90’s? Remember Zima?

Anyways, I tuned back in just in time to hear HULK moaning in pleasure as Gilbert ran his nerd-digits all over her radioactive backside. “I have never pleasured a woman like this,” Gilbert answered. But when she dropped her dress, it was a big ol’ mess. Sheena was a man. We got Spuds Mackenzie. Alex from Stroh’s.

Then they went off and found the hidden idol. Then HULK told Gilbert her computer was broken. Then he hit a bunch of buttons and this animated sequence started on her computer. It drew a picture of HULK and then it drew a picture of Gilbert. Then, computer Gilbert reached out his hand and computer HULK took it and then they danced on the screen. It was completely realistic and in now way even had me, at like 8 years old, saying “WHAT IN THE HELL??” Then Booger smoked drugs and they looked at naked sorority girls on hidden cameras. Did I mention I was like 8? Oh, and then HULK was totally impressed so she gave Gilbert the immunity idol.

Seriously, did I just waste three paragraphs on like one scene? Wow.

Well, nothing really exciting happened after that until the challenge, so we can just skip ahead to save time. Sound like a good idea? Hello? I SAID DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA? Whatever. Next time you start talking about TGIF nights on ABC and then transition into Funky Cold Medina and seque into Revenge of the Nerds, I’m not gonna listen to…Actually, I don’t blame you one bit.

So, yeah, the reward challenge. This challenge was wicked cool. Basically, each round, one tribe member from each tribe would be seated on this spinning reel-type platform, while another tribe member pulls a string attached to said platform and runs, making the platform spin like a top or some other spinning toy from a bygone day when children woke on Christmas mornings to jacks and oranges in their stockings and polio. Or whatever some crap. Look, man…I don’t care what you say. Ain’t no way a frakkin’ wooden car and some ribbon candy is better than Guitar Hero. Although kids did used to get a lot of weapons back then as presents…so maybe it’s a wash. Actually, growing up in the 80’s was probably THE BEST time to get presents. We were just starting to get cool stuff like Ataris and Pogo Balls and Alphies, but we also were just coming out of that whole weapons-as-presents thing. So, right next to that brand new Watchman, it wasn’t all that uncommon to find a nice new set of shiny lawn darts. Luckiest kid ever? Yeah, pretty much.

Where the heck was I? Oh, the challenge. So, yeah, it was cool. Everyone was stumbling all over the place and looked like they were gonna vomit. I mean, its like that every Thursday when I watch this show, but at least this time it wasn’t just me and my wife. (rimshot). Get it? Because we like to drink. And drinking makes you dizzy sometimes and can also induce nausea. And on this show, people were acting that way from spinning. Ergo, if we were drinking and feeling dizzy on other nights, it was from drinking. Now, these people were feeling dizzy because of this reward challenge. Therefore, we were all feeling dizzy and thus…oh forget it. Hey, remember TV shows??//

Then, after spinning, the tribe member had to walk across a balance beam. Probably the best spinner was Sierra. When she got off, she looked like she had just seen that rare all-nude episode of the View where a vacationing Elisabeth Hasselbeck was replaced by Rue Mclanahan. All disoriented and pale and crummy tummied. In the end, Jai-Alai won.

What did they win? Wow. I…I don’t even know how to put this. They won a trip to the Charmin café. What happens at the Charmin café? Well, they go and drink strong coffee…and eat bran muffins…and they have access to a working toilet and all the Charmin they need. So, um. Yeah. They won the chance to…Well, they were encouraged to….Ummmm….They could, after they eat, adjourn to the, well what I am trying to say is they could dispose of they could eat and then excuse themselves to well you know drop the kids off at the you know number ummmmm god. Forget it. I will say, however…no Mr. Whipple. I know. I was disappointed too. What? He’s dead? But…he said he would always come back for me. Mom said he just stepped out to buy cigarettes and...I can’t believe this. Mi papa.

Also, the winning tribe could choose one person to go to SCARY AS SCARY CAN BE ISLAND. They choose Brandon. Brandon chooses…Gilbert? HULK HAPPY. But wait, there are glances exchanged between White Power Ranger and Tyson. And not the normal glances they share with each other. This one had zero sexual tension. What could that mean???

At the Charmin café, the “winners” also received letters from home. Aw. And of course, everyone cried. And JT’s Mom said she loved him, which I guess she has only said twice before. So, he decides to say this on national TV. Hey JT, I wouldn’t be expecting any more “I love you”s for a while. And poor Gilbert, being stuck on DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT? ISLAND, missed out on getting his letter. Its too bad too because it was an update from all the other Tri-Lams. Turns out that Luis and Gilbert’s robot thing went haywire and terrorized the gym at Adams, leaving Coach Harris and the rest of the team in bad condition. Also, Takashi has gone through several bouts of rehab due to the drinking problem he picked up at school. He sends his thanks. But Ogre? Ogre topped them all. A Navy flier, he shot down three planes. Two of them as they were about to crash into a transport full of soldiers. You see Gilbert…you really had a wonderful life.

Back at TIMBERRRRRRa, that awkward glance between White Power Ranger and Tyson is explained – “Guys, I think Brendan’s trying to build relations with the other tribe. He’s got to go next,” says Tyson. How he knew this, I have no idea. This really has me thinking some Shenanigans are afoot. Glory be and Erin Go Bragh. I mean, these fools can’t have figured this out on their own…and no way both White Power Ranger and Tyson figured it out…at the same time…and gave each other knowing looks. This is fishier than when they replaced Rick Marshall with “Uncle” Jack Marshall on Land of the Lost. I mean, fine…so Rick is transported accidentally back to Earth after using one of the pylons…but coincidentally, Jack also stumbles upon Will and Holly at the exact same time? I mean, right? Don’t tell me none of you have wondered about this same exact thing before. No…you have problems in your head.

Nothing too exciting happened on I’LL BE RIGHT BACK ISLAND. Just a mild-mannered nerd and a dog from Punky Brewster…becoming friends and proving that even two from such different walks of life can become best buds. When you’re the best of friends…having so much fun together…you’re not even aware you’re such a funny pair…you’re the best of friends. They say you’re both being fools. You’re breaking all the rules. They can’t understand. The magic of your wonderland.

Back at Jambalaya, Spencer and Sydney were talking and Sydney was talking about some crazy dream she had about her fiancé. It was a lot like a recurring I have, except replace fiancé with rabid dog and replace every other element with mind-numbing terror and uncontrollable bloodshed. I never realized how alike Sydney and I are.

Anywho, Sydney says the dream made her realize she loves her fiancé. And Spencer was like, “yeah, I dig girls man…and girls are cool with their various parts and such.” It was totally believable…then Spencer reveals that he is gay, but he’s not going to tell anyone. It’s just our little secret. It’ll be great to see how this all plays out for the rest of the season…FORESHADOWING.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In it, each tribe would pick two launchers who would launch balls into the air with this elastic thingy while other members of their tribe would wait out in the water and catch the balls with nets. And you could tackle people. JT was doing well, until he fell. AND LOST A TOOTH. Then he picked up the tooth and threw it away. Then MEPHISTOPHELES was like, “let’s find that tooth…” and they found it. But what is he going to do with it? Seriously, is THE PROBST an idiot? Does he think they can just glue it back together like the statue in Goonies? Even then, they put it back on upside-down. That’s my mom’s favorite piece. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.

In the end, TIMBERRRRA won. And JT was really super upset at Spencer for being awful at things. I don’t know though…HULK, in my opinion, did much worse. And then, she totally hulked-out in the water later and just started yelling at Joe for some crud. And Joe was like, “wha? huh?” and HULK was like, “YOU NO UP FRONT WITH ME YOU NOT EVER ALIGN WITH ME YOU MAKE HULK ANGRRRRY!” You know what I never understood? Why was She-Hulk always so much more articulate than Hulk? She was also always trying to hook up. I never really wondered about that part so much as I always just thought it was awesome.

At tribal council, HULK explains that her outburst was due to her being hot. I guess this was an acceptable answer because no one really questioned that. Their silence was deafening. So, it seemed to be between HULK and Spencer. Then Joe said HULK has not once said she does not have the hidden immunity idol and she admitted that she didn’t and Joe said, “OK, I believe you.” Then he jumped in the line and rocked his body in time. In the end, Spencer received the most votes, which stinks because I just realized his last name, Duhm, is pronounced “DOOM.” I feel like I really could have done something with that. Seriously, it would have been cool. I could have made him Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit or Doctor Doom…either way had a wealth of possibilities. Damn you Spencer and your awfulness at challenges.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOGATOGATOGA EPISODE IV: THIS SEASON’S IBS

2009-03-09T14:21:00.003-04:00

As I have with most of my newsletters this season, let me start with an apology for being late. I was busy with stuff all weekend. For example, I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday. How’d it go? Well, it turns out I’m dying…

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DYING TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED ON THE LAST EPISODE OF SURVIVOR!!!!

OK….he didn’t say that, but he did say I am very sick…

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SICK OF THE WHITE POWER RANGER!!!!!11111111//////

OK…he didn’t say that either, but he DID say I had high cholesterol…

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HIGH CHOLESTER-ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TEH AWFUL!!!!!!

No? Erm, well…..I do have high blood sugar.

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No, I am serious. Thanks for the concern. Jerk.

Annnnnnyways.

The episode started with the TIMBERRRRRRa tribe coming back from tribal council, having just voted off Jerry. The White Power Ranger is extremely unhappy about this and immediately points to Erinn as the problem. He stated, ‘it made me think Erinn has got to go because she is the cancer of the tribe.” If you’ll recall, Candace was also referred to as “the cancer of the tribe” by the White Power Ranger. I don’t think he should just go throwing that word around like that, cuz karma don’t play. Like, for instance, I used to go around calling everyone “handsome” and “funny” and “cooler than Fonzie in early January” and now look at me. Karma man. Karma. Also, calling someone “the cancer of ______” is sooooo last year. In fact, if I were to make a “hot list” of semi-offensive call-outs, it would look like this:

IN

“This ___’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome”

FIVE MINUTES AGO

“Cancer of _____”

OUT

“______-Nazi”

You heard it here first, 2009 is the year of IBS.

Also, White Power Ranger is the “unoriginal jerkface of the tribe.”

The next day, the tribe talks about who should be leader after the whole Brendan/White Power Ranger discussion at last week’s tribal council. Of course, White Power Ranger had a strong argument – “I am the leader. OF THE GD POWER RANGERS!!!! HELLO??” Brendan’s argument, though, was equally strong – “My name kind of sounds like Punky Brewster’s dog. And one time, he totally pushed Punky out of the way of a moving car. He even risked his own life to save her. He also dressed as Indiana Jones for Halloween.” So, of course, Brendan was chosen as leader. White Power Ranger, though not totally cheesed about the decision, said, “You know if Brendan got voted off and I was the leader, I think this tribe would be better. But I don’t want to vote Brendan off because that’s my M.O. I want iron that sharpens iron.” I don’t really know what that means, but I bet if I did, there would be a really funny 80’s television reference I could make about it.

At Jamacainmecrazy, the tribe members are concerned for the welfare of HULK. HULK has been spending a lot of time on OH MAH GOD island and the others are worried if that’s taking a toll. Of course, HULK has been having a good old time with Brandon talking about hidden immunity idols and bragging about how much she can bench. Oh, and having riveting “Which do you miss more – food or steroids?” discussions. But, she is playing the part of exhausted mutant so as to win sympathy. Later, she takes Stephen aside and asks him if he wants to be part of “BIG UPSET SURVIVOR HISTORY?” Afraid for his life, he says yes.

At the reward challenge, each team meets on their respective mats and THE EVIL ONE explains the challenge. In it, three members from each tribe will have to put a bar across their backs, and in each round, 2 members from the opposite tribe can choose which pole-holder gets to take on 20 pounds of weight. Two men and one woman from each tribe are to be pole-holders and last person standing wins the ability to send two members of their tribe to the other tribe’s camp to steal some stuff. And the winning tribe gets to send someone to blah blah blah…you know the drill. The weight-bearers for TIMBERRRRa are Debbie, Brandon, and Tyson. The weight-bearers for Jemandtheholograms are Joe, JT, and (surprise, surprise) HULK.

The guys, of course, get the bulk of the weight on them first. Brandon drops out first, followed by Joe, and then JT at 220 pounds (tying a record which no one cares about.) Then, its left up to the ladies – 46 year-old woman Debbie and 37 year-old Gamma Ray byproduct HULK. Hmmm…who won? You have obviously not been paying attention.

So, yeah…Jammalammadingdong wins and they send Sierra to THE ISLAND. She chooses HULK to come with her. Again, probably for protection. Because, you know – HULK SMASH!!!

When JT and Joe head over to TIMBERRRRRa to grab some loot, Tyson is conflicted. “You want to be on good terms with them because you’re probably going to be living with them in the future, but in the back of your mind, you’re like, ‘I wanna punch these guys in the head,” he says. I have the same conflict about Tyson – I wanna punch him in the head, but at the same time…Oh, wait. No conflict. He offends both sides of my brain. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

JT and Joe make a strategic decision to only take one bag of beans and a water can, even though there were two bags of beans. They did this thinking that if the tribes merged or switched, they wouldn’t want to be responsible for taking all the food. Sandy, however, is displeased when they return to camp. She compares it to taking guns for some reason, “It’s like you’ve got a hundred guns, let’s just take seventy-five of ‘em.” Though its not really. Because you can’t kill anyone with beans. Though my Uncle Steve sure could bring a room to their knees after a plate of ‘em. Right? Oh man. Uncle Steve. That guy had gas.

So, yeah, Sandy is not happy…she also knows that beans make you fart. Because she states that these are “fartin’ beans” about 20 times. I am pretty sure, for Sandy, that every food is the “fartin’” kind. “This is fartin’ rice,” I am sure she would say or “This is fartin’ water” or “This is fartin’ denture cream.” Old people fart is what I am trying to say. Also, Sandy sticks her tongue out a lot when she talks. And it’s gross. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

Then Sandy says to the camera that she doesn’t like Sydney because she flirts with all the guys and is young and beautiful, while Sandy has to suck the blood of newborns to stay alive. Also, I don’t think Sydney is that beautiful. Her mouth reminds me of Leech from He-Man. And Leech was far from beautiful. Aw, don’t look at me like that Leech. We all have our strengths. Mine, for instance, is looking handsome…while yours is, I don’t know, sucking on glass? Seriously, Leech, how would that have helped you? Well, at least you can use a gun and shoo…oh, those are suction cups too, huh? Well, at least you had Rattlor who…wait a second. Let me see that tongue again Sandy. Holy crap…it’s the Evil Horde!!!! Here, on Tokenplease!!!111 I must warn He-Man…but…can’t move…I…Leech has suctioned me in place. Well, there you go Leech. Good for you.

At SUPER SPOOKY KOOKY CRAZY ISLAND, HULK selects the urn with the clue and finds out that the idol is definitely located at treemail. She then talks to Sierra about her alliance with Brandon. Sierra says she didn’t know anything about it and that she got goosebumps when HULK was talking about it. She then said she “started at the bottom…then worked her way to the middle…then to the top, baby.” Be careful up there Sierra. I once heard a story told about a young man who did the same – started in the mailroom and then tricked his way into an office under the name of Carlton Whitfield all so he could date Helen Slater. Then he slept with a woman who ended up being his uncle’s wife. Then he built a time machine with Christopher Lloyd and travelled to the future where he was a basketball-playing werewolf. It’s true. Its all in my Wildlife Treasury.

A platypus has feet like a duck but is furry.

Back at the other camp, Tyson cannot tell a joke so he takes off his clothes to be funny…again. And he put on a loincloth. And he jumped around saying “Booga Booga.” And the White Power Ranger and Debbie thought this was high-larious. I, on the other hand, found it contrived and lacking any entertainment factor whatsoever. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

The immunity challenge was a puzzle challenge. Yay, puzzles!!! Hey, Burnett, if I wanted to watch people sit around doing puzzles all day, I’d keep up with my court-ordered community service at the old folks’ home. Anyways, TIMBERRRRa won. For once…meaning Jai-alai has to go to tribal council.

So back at camp, most are thinking to vote out Raptor because she is annoying and farts and is PART OF THE EVIL HORDE. HULK, however, defends her because she, too, knows its not easy being green.

At tribal, Sandy’s “good looks” are brought up and she admits to using them to ~~attach herself to glass~~ get what she wants. She says she has a flirtatious personality. Then, she says that people think that because she is beautiful she has nothing to say, but she “um….well….um….hmmm.” Seriously, she said that and then she had nothing to say. In the end, however, Sandy was voted out and we say goodbye to old lady farts. So, we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOLKIEN EPISODE III: FISHBACH? I HARDLY KNEW HIM.

2009-02-27T10:10:00.001-05:00

Oh, hey there. Me? Well, I am just settling in and starting to write my weekly newsletter.

This? Oh, that’s just a picture of Coach. He is on the show. I also refer to him as White Power Ranger.

Why does it look like his eyes are burned out with cigarettes? Oh, that was just an accident. See, I was smoking two cigarettes at the same time and accidentally dropped both of them at the exact same time and they both landed exactly right on his eyes.

Why is the word ‘hate’ scribbled over his face? Oh, I meant to write the word ‘Wait’ but I spelled it wrong and wrote the word ‘wate’ instead. And my H’s look like W’s. See, that’s my favorite White Lion song and, well, I just write it wherever I can because I love it so much. Wait. Wait. I never had a chance to love you. See? Awesome.

Why do I have a “To Be Killed” list? And why is Coach’s name on it? And what’s with the loaded rifle and custodian’s uniform?

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I’m sorry. You have seen too much.

End transmission.

Oh, hey guys…I, I didn’t see you come in. Ummmmm….SURVIVOR!

Alright, so the show started lastnight with the TIMBERRRRRA tribe coming back from tribal council, having unanimously voted out Candace. Erinn, understanding that her tribe was now targeting her due to her alliance with Candace, was trying to back out…”I was merely trying to see what she was all about,” she said. “I just wanted to see what she was up to because I didn’t trust her.” “I knew she was talking about all of you, but I was trying to infiltrate from the inside.” “It’s not mine. I was holding it for a friend.” “Someone must have slipped it into my bag when I wasn’t looking.” “Someone just handed it to me. I wasn’t going to smoke it.” “YOU, OK? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!” “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ITS EGGS THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS ITS EGGS COOKING!!” “KEEP THOSE POT HANDLES TURNED IN.” “WAIT UNTIL ALL MY MARTIAN FRIENDS HEAR ABOUT THIS. BY ONLY EATING CANDY BARS, WE DON’T KNOW WE’VE MISSED!!!!!!!!”

What?

Seriously, my brain sometimes takes these detours…Trust me, it can get much darker.

Anyways, the White Power Ranger doesn’t trust her. And he thinks his intelligence has been challenged by her lies. And his karate skills have been challenged by Rita Repulsa’s goons. YOU. WILL. BE. DEFEATED. NOW.

Erinn sees this and has a plan – “Now I have to turn girl that maybe is kind of on the outs a little bit into something the absolute opposite of that.” Um. Right. Well Said. Erinn – the extra N is for “Nonsense.”

Jerry, meanwhile, is not feeling all that good. He’s got the tummy crummies. So, of course, everyone keeps asking him if he wants more beans. That wasn’t helpful.. It’s like this one time, a buddy of mine woke up wicked hungover after this party. He feels awful. So, we’re all sitting on the couch, right. And someone brought doughnuts. So, I go ahead and grab a Boston Kreme and a take a bite and let the cream sort of hang between my mouth and the doughnut for a little bit. Then, after I pull away, I turn to him and ask – with cream and doughnut still inside my mouth – “Hey man, you want a doughnut?” He almost didn’t make it….

‘To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship” – Thomas Moore.

Back at JoseCuervo, they’re trying to fish with the gear they just won. First, they try the net and the basic strategy is “throw the net on top of the water and hope the fish swim up to it…” It would basically be akin to a hunter standing in the middle of the woods with a knife hoping a deer comes up to him and stabs himself. Needless to say, they didn’t catch much this way. But then, Stephen went out there and caught one with the line. And first, I thought, “Hey, he’s ‘the geek’…he’s not supposed to catch fish. He’s supposed to only catch Orcs and Level 9 Elves.” But then I remembered, ‘Oh, his last name is Fishbach.’ So, I bet the fish were just coming up to him thinking he was just a long-lost relative:

Fishbach: Hey fish, it’s me…Steve Fishbach.
Freddy Fish: Holy crap…did you hear that. It’s Steve. Man, I haven’t seen that dude in years.
Farrah Fish: OMG. I totally had a crush on him in swimming school. How do my gills look?
Fishbach: Hey, come on over here…just grab onto that, erm, that fish-lifter and we can go out and grab some brews.
Freddy Fish: Oh, man. This is gonna be so killer. I am so stoked.
Farrah Fish: I am sooooooo nervous. I haven’t even shaved my fins today…That’s ok. Its not like I was gonna just give it up right away or anything.
Freddy Fish: (sarcasm) Oh right…you never give it up right away. You’re the purest fish I know (/sarcasm)
Farrah Fish: Oh, shut up. You know what? I’m young…Maybe I like to have a little fun now and then. Whatever, here’s his fish-lifter thing….let’s…OH MY GOD!!!!!111FREDDDYYYYYYY!!!!WHYYYYYYYYY??/?!!!!!!!!!1111
Fishbach: Its ok to eat fish, cuz they don’t have any feelings.

Next up was the reward challenge. THE DEVIL INCARNATE explained that each team would have one caller and the rest of them would be blindfolded. The caller would have to lead the blindfolded team around to pick up buckets and fill them with water then back to fill another bucket with water then fill a bucket with corn then back and fill another bucket with corn. Whatever. Anyways, Debbie was the caller for TIMBERRRRRRa and Joe was the caller for JarJarBinks. Debbie screamed like crazy, but her tribe didn’t know which way left was because they are teh dumb. Joe did a pretty good job calling for his tribe and they won. The end. And what did they win? Some pillows, a tarp, a hammock, yay sleep. Plus, they get to send one member of the losing tribe to OH MY CRUD island. And then he gets to pick someone else to come with him. And again, it was Brendan and HULK. Still scared of bears, I guess.

Oh, also at the end, White Power Ranger let out this yell which he later described as a “primal scream.” Anyone who screams and then says it’s a primal scream is someone you don’t ever want to be associated with. Because they probably also listen to World music (whatever that is), say “Namaste” ALL THE TIME, and steal John Cusack’s girlfriend in that movie. Although it could be good sometimes….like if you are looking for your bike, he’s probably the kind of guy that could tell you it was in the Alamo…in the basement. Can you say that? Adobe.

Back at TIMBERRRRRRRRa, White Power Ranger says that everyone should refrain from talking bad about one another and blaming each other for their loss. Then he went off with Tyson and talked bad about everybody and blamed everyone else for their loss. Oh, and he said that their relationship was like coach and assistant coach. Which I guess means he wants to shower naked together. Then, he will probably whip him with a towel. Then, they can start saying things like, “WHO’S HOUSE IS THIS????” SPORTS.

Then it rained. And Jamiroquai was all set with their new tarp and pillows and stuff while TIMBERRRRRRRa was not as prepared. White Power Ranger said he didn’t care about being comfortable, he only cared about winning. He went on, “You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! You're intensity is for (expletive deleted)! Win! Win! Win!” Then he taped all of their buns together.

Seriously, this newsletter is nonstop madcap hilarity.

Back on SUPER DUPER SCARY LARRY ISLAND, Brendan and HULK found another clue about the idol. The clue said it was surrounded by wood. And this obviously opened the door for me to make a joke which could get me in trouble. But I won’t do it. Nope. Won’t. Stop it. I’m not going to do it.

Also, HULK and Brendan decide to bring Sierra and Fishbach into their alliance when they get back to their camps, so they have a secret four-person alliance once the tribes merge. It’s a good strategy…to a degree. Though, at the moment, they are two two-person alliances incapable of protecting one another. So, it could also be a bad strategy. I have no idea. What the crud do you want from me? I ain’t no rocket scientist.

At Jojotheidiotcircusboy, the entire tribe wakes up feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after a good night’s sleep. Especially, Crazy Eyes Sandy, who proclaims she feels like a “sex kitten.” To which I reply – Sex kitten? More like Sex Cat-Ready-to-be-put-down. Right? Right? Is this thing on???? Hey, am I talking to an audience or an oil painting. In this country, you own cars. In Russia, car owns you. YAKOV.

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it, teams of two from each tribe have to roll these big crates back to a finish line where they are stacked in a staircase format and they run up them and YAY CELEBRATE. It was pretty close, actually and TIMBERRRRRa had a chance, but then Jerry’s tummy crummies took hold and slowed them down a bit. And they lost. And they are terrible still.

So, when they get back to camp…for some reason, Erinn is still on the chopping block, despite doing really well in the challenge. But then, TUMMY CRUMMIES. So, Jerry could be going. And at this mention, White Power Ranger notices Erinn’s smile (the extra N is for “Not Subtle”). He is none too pleased with this and tells Tyson of his displeasure, “I am so true that existing around people who smile evilly when somebody else is on their knees kills me!” He is so true. And real. What you get is what you see. And he’s just Jenny from the Block. He used to have a little, but now he has a lot.

Later, Tyson is then talking about how he is trying to decide between Jerry and Erinn. On one hand, Jerry is sick. On the other hand, Tyson loves a blindside and, according to Tyson, “I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams.” Keeping it true, man. Funk dat.

Also, Brendan found the hidden idol at his camp. And hid it. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

At tribal council, the subject of leadership comes up. Jerry says to THE EVIL ONE that Brendan would be a good leader. To which White Power Ranger takes offense. He thinks he should be the leader. Because that’s what he does. To which Erinn says, “White Power Ranger is used to being the leader, but Brendan is probably better at it.” White Power Ranger than roundhoused her hardcore. Then he got into half-lotus position and talked about the power of Manon. Then he got punched. By me.

So, then the votes were cast. And Jerry, with his bean-intolerant insides, was cast off. So, we say goodbye to TUMMY CRUMMIES. Which is good…because that’s what happened to the Bar-ba-loots without their Truffula fruits….and they had to leave. And then the old Once-ler went ahead and kept on making his thneeds. Until the last Truffula Tree was chopped down and then…OK, I’ll stop.

Until next week,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOCAMOCHA EPISODE II: HULK BACK…WAYNE RUN OUT OF MATERIAL

2009-02-24T07:40:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone…so sorry about the newsletter being so late this week, but you know I HAVE A LIFE TOO. And you…. You haven’t been home in weeks. You’re still going out? Not without your car keys, you’re not. Something’s going on! I look in your face and I KNOW YOU’RE LYING!!!! GET OUT! GET OUT!!! GO TO YOUR READY-MADE….Whoa, sorry. I…I don’t know where that came from. THAT’S ALL YOUR GOOD FOR!!!!

Annnnyways, the show began with the Jai-alai tribe coming back from tribal council after a unanimous Carolina vote. Sandy is thanking her tribe members for keeping her in the game and her tribe members are planning to vote her out at next tribal council. Also, Sandy looks a little like the crossing guard from my old high school. I wonder why crossing guards don’t frisk you anymore. Remember that? How, before you crossed the street, the crossing guard would take you behind the fence and pat you down. Oh man…and remember how she would say that your parents’ brains would liquefy if you ever told them because they were cybernetic organisms sent from the future and their one weakness was hearing about search and seizure? Oh, and remember those “safety nights” she always held at her house where she would show you what it felt like to be drunk just so you would never do it again…its so weird that I was the only one that ever showed up…and then you would wake up the next day not remembering a thing?

No? Never happened to you?

Oh, me neither.

The next morning as the Jaleel White tribe is nibbling on veggies, they decide that they have, for far too long, been ignoring the “disgusting bug” piece of the food pyramid and go hunting for termites. They find a termite mound crawling with the little suckers and dig in. Then, like Mannix from heaven, they find this crazy fat termite. It looked a lot like the alien from Alien. Except instead of singing “hello my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my ragtime gal,” it made me extremely nauseous. Seriously, this thing was fat…

HOW FAT WAS IT?

It was so fat, palmetto bugs be like, “Damn…you fat!”

It was so fat, wood be walking up to its mound saying, “We surrender!!”

It was so fat, that when it sat around the mound, it sat AROUND THE MOUND.

Termite humor.

Seriously though, this thang ate a lot of wood. Like, remember in that cartoon when the termite ate through that whole chair and made the gentleman who was sitting in the chair fall on his bottom? You know the cartoon…a lot of zany things happened in it. I think even an anvil fell on someone and also someone got hit in the face with a frying pan. Wait…no, that was our family vacation to the Poconos. There really is “more to love” in the Poconos.

Back at TIMBERRRRRRa, Sierra is still feeling all kinds of cruddy about almost being voted out on Day 1. So she sets out on a quest to find the hidden immunity idol. She decides to enlist Brendan’s help with finding it. They get the clue and then start digging this massive hole. All of a sudden Debbie (??) finds them working on their hole. But that old Brendan was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick. He told Debbie that they were building a massive fire pit for a bonfire later. And his fib fooled the old broad, so he patted her head…and he gave her a drink…and he sent her to bed. “Oh, cool” she said and she went back and told ‘em. “He’s building a fire pit so we don’t have to scold ‘em.”

And he, himself, BRENDAN, carved the roast beast.

Candace, however, was not having it…she said it didn’t sound cool. And that she wasn’t going to go. And that everyone was a bunch of squares. Then, she jumped over a pool of sharks with her motorcycle and hit a jukebox and it went on and played some Fats Domino. True story.

The next day, Candace says to Tyson that she would love to “steam, like, a big like sea bass with, like, some olive oil and fresh lime juice and wrap it up in aluminum foil and let it steam.” Tyson tells her they can find all that stuff, to which she replies, “Really?” And he of course says “No.” Oh yeah…but watch the thorns on the aluminum foil tree (Latin name Reynoldius Wrappius). Dummy. Then, Candace fought with Coach on how to cook the rice and beans. Then he licked her face as he apologized. Yep, really. Then Candace, talking to the camera, talked about how well-educated she was and she was gonna get “all up in his psyche and insecurities,” and then continued, “and all these other words which are in summation smart sounding and inhospitable.” Then she went looking for the Tupperware bush.

Then, at Jai-alai, a big reveal is made. Taj’s husband is Eddie George. You hear me? EDDIE FRIKKIN GEORGE!!! THE Eddie George. I know..its crazy right? Hm? Yeah, I don’t know either. I think he played professional soccer. Yet, no one even cares she used to sing for S-S-Double-Double-U-Double-V-V. Also, apparently, no one I know knows who SWV is. Did they not exist? Hold on, let me rummage through my pile of obscure 90’s music star CDs…Let’s see…Snow, 3rd Bass, Young Black Teenagers, Del Amitri, the Divinyls, Candyman, Tracey Bonham, Paperboy, Wreckx-N-Effect, Right Said Fred, 69 Boyz, Positive K, Skee-Lo…ahhh, there it is…Right under my All-4-One CD – SWV. See…they do so exist.

I swear. By the moon and the stars and the sky. I’ll be there.

Next up – immunity challenge and reward challenge. Are they going to be doing this every week? A combo challenge? Because, I am totally fine with that. Its always the hardest part to write about. Anyways, in this challenge, three members from each team would face off at a time. Each three member team was trying to get a ball into a hoop in the water while the other team was free to tackle them however they wanted to. And Candace’s top kept coming off. Yay! And Taj wore a bikini. Boo! I seriously have made Hulk jokes in like every season because of some big-boned girl…I need something new. Something fresh. Something…Dude, I got nothing. TAJ SMASH! TAJ ANGRY!!!!!!

So, the Jalapeno Popper tribe wins…and they win immunity, and fishing gear, and a chance to send someone to SUPER HOLY WHAT IN THE HECK Island. So they send Brendan. Then, Brendan gets a note. And the note says he can take someone with him to the Island. Since he is afraid of being attacked by bears and stampeding elephants, he takes HULK to protect him.

Sandy is psyched because she said there was a fifty percent chance of her leaving tonight if they didn’t win immunity. Right, and there is a fifty percent chance that I’m the old, fat dude from the Backstreet Boys. Hey Sandy – fifty percent? More like 100 percent!! Am I right? Right? UP TOP!!!!111 Count it.

Anyways, with the new fishing gear, Stephen and JT go off and look for some…well, some fish. And Stephen admits that JT is emerging as the leader, “He is Tom Sawyer and I am the angsty city boy.” Yet the two are finding love romance friendship in Toucansam. Cuz’ opposites attract. It ain’t fiction. Just a natural fact. They go together ‘cuz op..posites attract. He takes 2 steps forward, he takes 2 steps back. JT likes it quiet. And Stephen likes to SHOUT!!!!

So, on OH MY LORD WHAT WAS THAT????? Island, HULK and Brendan are presented with two urns. Each can choose who opens which one in which way to open it and which one is for opening by each of them. HULK chooses and comes up empty, while Brendan finds a note. He walks off to read it and it gives him a clue to where the hidden idol is and also says he can switch tribes if he wants to. “Heck no…we gonna have a bonfire later,” he said in my head. Then Moe hit him in the head with a pair of pliers.

When he walked back to HULK, HULK convinced him to tell her the clue. Or she would get angry. And he wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. The clue said it was in the “tribal homelands” which HULK translates to it being back at camp. So, now they know. And they still have all this time together on the SUPER SPOOKY ISLAND. And it was a bit awkward:

Brendan: Sooooooo…..Um. How about that immunity idol clue. That was crazy, right?
HULK: HULK BORED.
Brendan: SOoooooo….do you like…um…..stuff?
HULK: HULK WISH YOU PICK SOMEONE ELSE.
Brendan: Hey, want to play I Spy?
HULK: HULK SPY WITH BIONIC EYE SOMETHING CHAIR
Brendan: Hmmm, let’s play something else. Ever play truth or dare?
HULK: HULK PLAY
Brendan: Great. I’ll start. Truth or dare?
HULK: DARE…NO, TRUTH…NO, DARE…NO, TRUTH…YES, TRUTH
Brendan: Are you really a guy?
HULK: DARE.

Back at TIMBERRRRRa, there is some confusion as to who is getting voted out tonight. First, we thought it was Sierra. However, Candace wants to get rid of the White Power Ranger because he doesn’t “bring much to the table.” I suppose…though he hasn’t morphed yet. When he does…look out, because any villain that walks up to him and stands there…is gonna get a poorly-choreographed kick to the face. Meanwhile, Debbie tells the White Power Ranger about this and he calls Candace a cancer that needs to be taken out. Oh, White Power Ranger, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

So, at tribal council, Candace talks about how much she resents Sierra for the helicopter ride, the White Power Ranger says he totally trusts Brendan (who is keeping the secret of the hidden immunity idol…well, hidden), and Erinn and Debbie get into it about trust. Really. Not. Exciting. It was pretty clear Candace was getting voted out, but the big surprise was that even Erinn, who was aligning with Candace, voted her out….and she was gone. The End.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOKENTINI EPISODE I: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS = MASSIVE FAIL!!!!!111

2009-02-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

OK, Yay. Survivor has started. Let’s get on with it.

The show last night began with all of our tribe members driving in a truck through Brazil. Actually, the show first began with “Brazil. It’s cool. There’s a giant statue and hot chicks and meat on skewers. But screw that. Because this part of Brazil – Brazil Taco cheese – is all kinds of awful. And there are crazy monkeys that will rip your head off. And fires.” It went something like that. I sort of go in and out. Then came the whole truck thing.

And THE DEVIL explained, “Hey, we have pretty much stopped trying here. So, we’ve already took the liberty of splitting them into tribes. Yep, we didn’t even want to show you that. Why? How dare you question me.” So, there are two tribes – Jalapao (red) and Timbira (black). The Timbira Tribe consists of Coach, Candace, Tyson, Brendan, Debbie, Sierra, Jerry and Erinn. The Jalapao Tribe consists of Sandy, Carolina, JT, Joe, Taj, Sydney, Stephen and Spencer. But don’t bother getting to know their names because, probably by the third episode, Sydney will be “obscure reference to television show #1” and Joe will be “M.A.S.K. character” or something to that effect.

For some reason, they haven’t talked the whole drive in. Well, I suppose the reason was so that LUCIFER HIMSELF could say, “they haven’t talked, but first impressions are already forming.” He’s wicked deep, kid. So, then they would cut to some talking head shots – Sandy saying, “that kid with the glasses seems like a geek”; Tyson saying, “that chick with the black hair seems like a b*tch”; Gung Ho from GI Joe saying, “don’t judge people til you give em a chance. Look at me. People would look at my outfit and think I was a certain kind of person. They would think because of my open vest and sailor hat and mustache and tuft of chest hair that I lived a certain lifestyle. And if someone was saying things like that about me, I would walk up to them and say ‘no silly…I am not in the navy anymore, but thanks for asking.’ And knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!!!!!!”

So, then the truck stops. And MEPHISTOPHELES explains, “this truck has a bunch of supplies on it. You guys have sixty seconds to grab everything you can to help you survive.” So everyone grabbed a bunch of stuff…and when time was up, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS surveyed their respective hauls. “Coach” states that his tribe got the food and water while the other tribe didn’t get any of that mess. Also, ‘Coach’ looks like the White Power Ranger. Power. Zord. On! Also, its crazy to me that my son likes the power rangers. Lord Zed is the leader of the bad guys and has basically no skin. . He is like this big mess of scary, bloody muscle. And he talks in a scary voice and shoots people with his laser rod thingy. Yet, he’s scared of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Kids are funny. But you know what’s not funny? Illiteracy. So, hey, pick up a book and read to your kids. Reading is fundamental. The More You Know. Captain O.G. Readmore.

Then there was this crazy holy crap moment. After telling the tribes they are going to have a 4 hour trek to their camps, THE HOLY LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD says that one person from each tribe will not be taking part in this adventure. And each tribe has to vote, right now, on who that will be. So, I was all, “NO WAY HOLY WHAT MACANOLI THAT’S TEH CRAZEE!!!!!11111” Then, of course, it turned out to be Survivor and not that cool. So, each tribe voted and Timbira voted for Sierra or “girl with striped top” and Jalapao voted for Sandy or “woman with weathered skin.” Now, remember, HADES said “taking part in this adventure.” “this adventure.” “this adventure.” “Has anyone noticed how clever I am??” Right, so those voted for would be helicoptered to camp rather than make the trek. So yay…no walking. Boo…no social interaction. Also…yay…It’s Friday. Boo…I only have like a quarter of a bottle of Jim Beam left. Darn it. Darn it straight to heck.

On the trek, there was of course confusion. “Joe, are we going the right way,” asked Taj (of SWV). “Let’s look at the compass and map,” suggested Spencer. “Remember…the compass always points north,” claimed Carolina. “Blank stare,” commented everyone. “Also, I have large breasts,” added Carolina. “Good point,” said the tribe. She really did have an excellent point there.

In another part of the remote Toucansam wilderness, the Timbira tribe is struggling. The water is getting heavy and all that. Hey, remember Oregon Trail?? Man, that was the best. It was the only game where dying was the best part. Because you could write your own epitaph. Like these gems:

“Here Lies Snotface McBooger. Metallica rulz!”
“Here Lies Wayne. Beam me up Snotty”
“Here Lies New Kids on the Block. Their lame.”
“Here Lies Fishhead. Typing class blows.”
“Here Lies Poop. Boogers Butt Toilet.”
“Here Lies Samantha Fox. I wuz hot.”

Wow, my humor has really come a long way.

You have died of dysentery.

Anyways, also on this trek, the White Power Ranger was all “I'm a university head soccer coach and the polar opposite of that is that I am the conductor and artistic director of a symphony in Northern California.” Is that really the polar opposite? A polar opposite would be “Hey, I am a teacher at a university and a student in kindergarten” or “I am a 4-star general in the US Army and a dirty smelly hippy” or “I am a hardcore East Coast rapper and I have an extensive collection of My Little Ponies.” Being a university soccer head coach and a conductor of a symphony are actually pretty close in that they both make you someone who I would have zero interest in talking to. “oooh…look at me. I conduct a symphony and I lead teams to victory.” Well, la-de-da…I watched all six Star Wars films last Saturday. And I ate two helpings of Chicken Pot Pie and like ten taquitos. Sooooo…I win.

So, when the helicoptered ones arrive at their respective camps, each find a note waiting for them. The note tells them they have a choice – they can either start building camp and try to gain back the favor of their tribe OR they can start looking for the hidden immunity idol. Sandy chooses to look for the hidden immunity idol while Sierra starts to build a camp. I don’t know…I think I would choose to build camp. Having a hidden immunity idol can save you once, but then what? Then everyone will be all, “Hey you chose to find that instead of help us…we will just vote you out next.” Also, Sandy called her tribe jalapeno. And I was going to do that. But now I can’t. Because I don’t steal from old ladies. Unless, of course, they’re sleeping. Then, they can’t put their voodoo hexes on me or steal my youth.

So, when Jalapen…I mean Jalapao…arrives at their camp, the first question asked is, “why isn’t our shelter built?” Sandy deflects, however, with a solid combination of crazy eyes, nonsensical rambling, and constantly moving old lady arm fat. Also, when they arrived, she stuck the note inside her shirt. And, ugh. I don’t know. It was just really gross, you know. Think of the children, Sandy.

At the Timbira camp, everyone was impressed with Sierra’s job of setting up camp. Everyone except the White Power Ranger, who said, “Obviously I'm pushing for the strong to survive, so I think that Sierra, even though she's awesome, she's got to go." Yeah, obviously. Then he blew his hair dry some more and put it in the cutest ponytail.

By the next morning, Jalapen…I mean Jalapao…has erected (heh) a shelter. JT, in his best Boomhauer impression says things to the effect of, “Look man I would just habbity blabbity build a dalgarn shelter man n’ mebbe make em one-a-dem corn pone grits Hank Williams Jr.” Carolina is also trying to help. And by help, I mean annoy. She has even annoyed the writer of the recaps on cbs.com. Typically, when I read through these to try and cut through last night’s whiskey haze, its pretty objective. However, whenever this dude is writing about Carolina, he is constantly saying how she whines, annoys, and is a basic idiot. He writes just like me, in other words…you know, minus the Punky Brewster references.

Meanwhile, Sandy went off to continue her search for the immunity idol. She finds her first clue buried in the sand and it tells her to walk ten paces to the lone palm tree. She then spends the next ten minutes talking about, “what’s a pace?” “A pace? I don’t know what the heck a pace is?” “WILL THE PACE GODS TELL ME WHAT A PACE IS??” She, of course, could have just been looking for the lone palm tree and worked her way from that, but Sandy = what the? Also, Pace? More like face. As in…your face is creeping me out, Sandy. I sit and wonder why-y-y. Oh why. You left me. Oh, Sandy.

At the Timbira camp, its non-stop hilarity. And by non-stop, I mean completely stopped. Tyson took off his clothes. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Then, oh my god, then he’s talking to the camera and he says if he wins the million, he’s going to buy furs and jewels and a man tiara. Then he asks, “do they make man tiaras??”

Crickets.

I guarantee Tyson thinks Dane Cook is hilarious.

Next came the immunity challenge. In it, the tribe members have to grab planks, build stairs, etc. etc. Anyways, Sandy did really well in the challenge building the stairs, but it was all for naught as the Timbira tribe pulled ahead in the whatever other part. What do you want from me? This show is AN HOUR. So, yeah, Timbira won. Who? TIMBIRA!!! Like when you chop down a tree. Get it? Well, screw you.

So, back at the Jalapen…Jalapao….camp, they were now faced with the decision to vote someone out. And, although everyone was definitely leaning towards Sandy in the beginning, her stair-building prowess has earned her some serious island cred. Carolina, meanwhile, is just ticking everyone off. She came back to camp complaining about cleaning up. To which Taj replied, “Clean up? Clean up the outdoors? That girl’s crazy.” Woodsy the Owl, however, thought Carolina had a good point and said, “If you don’t give a hoot, whoooooooo will??” In the city or in the woods, please keep America looking good. Hoo Hoo. Smokey the Bear, meanwhile, was busy mauling the Charmin toilet paper bears for leaving toilet paper all over his woods. That stuff burns like crazy. Good thing too…those commercials fully gross me out.

At tribal council, it was pretty clear who was going to get voted out. The only thing that stood out was that Sandy just keeps raising her level of old lady crazy. In the end, Carolina was voted out and, I guess, are no better or worse than you were before you started reading this…except for the whole “image of bears pooping in the woods” thing. Congrats?

Until next time,
Wayne

YOUR SURVIVOR: TORNADO KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

2009-02-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

Oh, hi. Hey, welcome to the Survivor: Tcan…Toucan…Tarantino…Is it Tarantino. Sure…why not. Survivor: Tarantino.

Anyways, welcome to your official Survivor: Tarantino kick-off newsletter. In it, we will not only understand who amongst us has who amongst them, through the magic of parentheses, but we will also get to know our latest batch of clown shoes. So, without further adieu, let me introduce your Survivor: Tecmo Bowl contestants.

Benjamin (Heather O., Gail L., Alexis)– Wow, where do I start? First off, Benjamin obviously watched the Glimmer Man recently and was like, “hey, that Steven Segal really has a really great look going there” which is, obviously, something normal people wouldn’t say. Also, he goes by the nicknames “Coach” and “maestro.” Point A – has anyone ever gone by BOTH of those names in the history of anything? Point B – You don’t want to call him maestro? So, I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and Ben here doesn’t? I know what you’re saying, “I don’t think he was called maestro in social situations. His friends probably just called him ‘Lenny.’” Well, I happen to know for a fact that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said
"Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.

Also, Benjamin was once attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar, and bitten by a pirhana.

Also, my head just exploded from the awesomeness that is Benjamin.

Brendan (Alyson, Dick, Meredith M.)– And then we come to Brendan. According to his bio, whether Brendan is “in front of a classroom teaching entrepreneurial success or taking part in outdoor extreme adventures, he knows how to read the odds.” In addition, according to his bio, Brendan is “someone I would call a tool.”

Candace (Amy C. Erin L., Laurie)– is pretty hot. She was Miss Ohio or something like that. And she is a lawyer. And she talks like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence? So that’s annoying?

Carolina (Melissa G., Melissa A., Lisa L.)– Hey Carolina. If Mississippi bought Missouri a New Jersey, what will Delaware? Idaho. Alaska.

Debra (Heather P., Karen, Cassie) – Debra’s nickname is “Bubbles” and she is not an exotic dancer. I know…talk about false advertising. Also, her last name is Beebe and she is a middle school teacher. Isn’t that crazy? No? Oh, right…you didn’t grow up in Malden. Well, if you had you would have been like, “whoa dude.” Well, actually, if you were from Malden, you wouldn’t have said that. Well, maybe you would have, but it would have contained a lot more swearing. And the grammar probably will have been ungood.

Erinn (Jackie, Wayne, Leti) – According to her bio, “After recently going through a very personal growing experience, Erinn is ready to prove that she can make it on her own and rise to the challenge.” It does not explain what this personal growing experience entailed, so I am just going to go ahead and assume it involved a Zoltan machine and her getting a job at a toy company and her and her friend buying dirty magazines and pretending that Silly String is boogers. Oh, and using a giant piano.

Jerry (Anthony, Mike D., Meridith H.)– was a first Sergeant and specialist in Nuclear Operations in Afghanistan. He was in charge of 100 men sand says, “With this big smile and this convincing attitude, I got them to do exactly what I want them to do!” Big smile and convincing attitude? In the army? I thought they were all supposed to be like, “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNAY PRIVATE SNOWBALL?????” Big smile? Even Beetle Bailey’s boss was always like, “BEETLE, YOU NINCOMPOOP!!!” I thought you were supposed to be all insult-y and condescending in the army. I don’t buy it…I mean, I’m looking at his bio right now. And yeah, he has a big smile, but I can’t imagine he could get me to do what he asked me. I mean, ok, I see his huge, welcoming smile, but I still…with the teeth…and I would never…they almost glisten in the bright sun …but I still wouldn’t…SIR YES SIR.

Joe (David M., Carolyn, Nickie) – “currently works in real estate investment sales and enjoys spending his free time strumming his guitar, tossing around a football and hanging out with friends.” And when he’s not being boring Joe enjoys ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

JT (Cynthia, John C., Amy M.) – I really have nothing to say about JT. But, hey, remember in Degrassi: the Next Generation when those kids from Lakehurst stabbed him out of jealousy for dating Mia? No? Hmmmm (turns red). And to think – I didn’t make a Justin Timberlake joke for fear of ridicule. I am so embarrassed, like the time that video of Manny topless got out to the entire Degrassi class. I mean…hey…how about those basketball teams!

Sandy (Kristen, dave L., Mike C.) – According to her bio, Sandy has an “outdoorsy nature (as reflected by her mouse tattoo).” So, I guess some mice live outside. But, some live inside too. I don’t know…if I had an outdoorsy nature, I think I would go with an animal that always lives outside, like a bear, or a homeless person. When I think “mouse,” I think Jerry. Then I think about hitting cats in the head with frying pans. Then I think about bacon. Then I think about Kevin Bacon. Then I think about the movie Quicksilver. Then I think about bicycles. Then I think about riding them…outdoors. Sandy…you. Wow. You just blew my mind.

Sierra (Dan P., Melissa Y., Brad)– is an “adventure junkie.” I used to have the same problem. But can you blame us…when that needle hits your ski…oh, adventure junkie. Sorry. My problem and Sierra’s couldn’t be more different. Moving on.

Spencer (Melanie, Rick, Lisa G.)– grew up the son of an unsuccessful whoopee cushion salesman. In school, he was constantly taunted because of his love of novelty T-shirts and X-rated adult novelties. In college, he says, his “turning-point moment” was when his roommate stole a traffic light and set it up in his dorm room. Later, he opened a small shop in Wichita, Kansas called “Gifts O’ Spencer.” A year or two later, a disgruntled writer from Hallmark walked through his door with an idea for a pun-filled, dirty line of greeting cards. That one spark…that one idea…was all his little shop needed. Pretty soon, people were coming from miles to sample his genitalia-shaped pasta and glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts. In the summer of 1981, he moved his little shop to an abandoned space at his local mall and the rest…well, the rest is history. So, next time you walk into Spencer’s Gifts, whisper a little thank you to our Spencer here…without him, that “50 different words for beer” poster would never have happened.

Hmmm…ok, actually, he is just a student. See? Wasn’t my story better?

Stephen (Mike B. Jeff M. Erin O.) – Stephen’s last name is Fishbach. As in, “When I told the waiter about the fingernail I found in my Mahi Mahi, he promptly took my Fishbach.” Also, says here he prides himself on “being able to pretend to agree with someone's idea while replacing it with his own.” I agree with you Stephen, but what if you let me punch you in the groin instead? I pride myself on that as well.

Sydney (Ashley, Scott, Liz) – I know this isn’t the first time I have seen someone in Survivor say they were both a model and an interior designer. What’s the deal here? Do you have to learn both to succeed? Like at Barbizon, do you need to know how to successfully match the drapes to the couch before they let you out on the runway? I just don’t see the connection…For example, I went to Kate Moss’s house once and I didn’t think it was anything special. Though I do hear that the ‘multiple piles of cocaine-meets-Old World’ style she employed is coming into vogue. I read it in Architectural Digest. Or was it High Times? Either way, Barbizon is totally the name I am going to use for the giant super-hot robot I am building. “I am Barbizon. Take me to your dream house. Beep Beep Bop Boop.”

Taj (Brian, Kate, Chris) – I get so weak in the knees/I can hardly see/cuz Taj is from that group SWV/Sisters with voices was what they were called/Also, Captain Stubing was super bald. So, yeah, Taj was in SWV. Remember SWV?? No…how about this: S-S-Double-Double-U-Double-V-V. Now you got it. Also, her husband is Eddie George, and he used to play something called football. Which I guess is a sport.

Tyson (Melissa D., Casey, Stephen C.) – Here is an excerpt from Tyson’s bio: In addition to, as he describes it, "looking awesome," his favorite hobbies are exercising and sunbathing. If he becomes the next sole SURVIVOR, he plans to use all of the money for selfish purposes, starting with "the most smoking motorcycle around." And here is what I imaging an excerpt from my bio will look like in the future: Wayne grew up in Malden, MA. He has dark hair. He has a wife and 2 kids and a dog. He once killed someone named Tyson. He really enjoys the movie Caddyshack. The end.

Well, that’s it…enjoy the season and I look forward to writing things for you to read. Remember, first episode is Thursday, February 12th…

Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE XIV: FINALLY! …I MEAN FINALE. WHAT DID I SAY? FINALLY?

2008-12-17T13:57:00.002-05:00

Saying goodbye. Why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It’s time for saying goodbye.

Yup, its that time again. Time for me to bid adieu to you, my readers, until another season descends upon us like a flock of annoying, backstabbing birds. The Survivor finale happened on Sunday and this is the end of a long journey for us. Hey, remember that time I made an obscure reference to a movie/TV show that had nothing to do with Survivor at all? Good times. Good times. Not getting hassled. Not getting hustled.

So, the fully awful five return from tribal after the Lou Ferigno blindside. Sugar was happy with herself for her use of the immunity idol to protect Spicoli, but Super Mario was less than enthused. He felt very betrayed by Bob. “It wasah likah tha time the Luigi stole my lastah slice ah the pepperoni pizza after he promise he give it to me. Then, he go and give it to the Kingah Bowsah. Mamma mia. That’sah me brother. He deny it to the left and to the right. But I turns to him and I say, ‘I knew it was you, Luigi. You broke-ah my heart.’ And he says to me, ‘Hey, Mario, that’s-ah just like in that movie.’ Then I laugh so hard, I accidentally shoot him with a fireball, because I forget I justah ate one ah dem flowers. Then he burn to the death. I feltah really bad. But then I notice his pizza – its still there on the table. So I go and take a bite. And it burnah the roof of my mouth – mamma mia. So, I laugh and look up to the heavens and say, ‘now we even, right?’ Pasta faglioi.”

You’re gonna miss meeeeeeeeeeeee.

The next day, Sugar tells Bob she wants to take him to the final three. She wants to vote out Suze next, then Super Mario. Then, she goes to Super Mario and tells him that if Bob loses immunity, she would like to vote out Bob. Super Mario, probably due to brain damage from all the mushrooms he’s ingested over time, totally trusts Sugar….even though she was a rather large part of screwing him over the night before. Its like watching that little bald kid go after that football every time. I know Lucy’s gonna pull it out. You know Lucy’s gonna pull it out, but he…haha…he still….hahahahahaa….he still goes and kicks the football…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hilarious.

And then they get treemail…and it says they need to paint their faces and wear the robes provided to look like traditional Gabonese warriors. And yet another culture sells itself out to Survivor. It makes me really sad for these proud cultures when they have to stoop to shilling out their proud ancestry for a little of that Mark Burnett money…just sickens me. These cultures should be revered for their accomplishments and respected for their heritage. Also, those robes totally look like the clothes that the Hawaiian Punch guy wore. How about a Hawaiian Punch? PUNCH!!! Right? Oh my god…that’s awesome. Also, they look like the clothes the lead singer of PM Dawn wore. Also, the lead singer of PM Dawn looked like the Hawaiian Punch guy. Actually, have you ever seen the lead singer of PM Dawn and Punchy in the same room? I thought I did once see Punchy hanging out with the lead singer of PM Dawn, but it turned out it was just Marlon Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, respect for other cultures. Totally. You should totally respect other cultures.

When the tribe members arrive for the first immunity challenge, THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD explains that the challenge will consist of the tribe members going through a series of mazes to pick up puzzle pieces which they will use to make a Gabonese hut. It came down to Sugar and Bob getting all their pieces first. Guess who won. Sugar? Dang, you haven’t been paying attention, have you? Of course Bob won. Because Bob is awesome and Sugar has a belly button tattoo that looks like the Journey bird. Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’ and Sugar is really aw-aw-ful.

At tribal council, we learn that Bob’s win in this challenge has him tied for most consecutive wins in the history of Survivor. Which is nice for him. But it would be like if the Celtics broke the most consecutive wins record in basketball in a year where their only opponents were the Washington Generals, a non- “Teen-Wolfed” Michael J. Fox, and Nell Carter. Its still going to go down in the record books, but I will have put a mental asterisk next to it.

Also, at tribal, Super Mario calls out Bob for not keeping up his end of the deal. Bob says that Super Mario was the one who messed up the deal because he had planned on taking Bob out once he got his immunity idol. Its crazy to me that Super Mario is still acting upset about this. It reminded me of how upset Scorpion was when he was decapitated by Sub-Zero. I mean, then he comes back, kills Sub-Zero and Sub-Zero returns in the Netherrealm as Noob Saibot. So, where did all that get him? Right? So the moral of the story is: Revenge gets you nowhere, kids. Remember that. Or else. The more you know.

After all that happened, Bob decides to keep his immunity necklace and Super Mario ends up being voted out. Later he says, “It is definitely game over for Kenny. Sometimes, like it is in video games, it doesn't go your way and you lose.” Then he continued, “and then you get another life and use it to crush all the Koopa Troopers who wronged you. And sometimes, sometimes you jump on a turtle shell just right in the castle and you get 96 extra lives. And then what, BOB!! THEN I WILL BE INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!” Super Mario was later seen kicking live turtles against a rock. See? Video games are good for something after all. I mean, no one likes turtles anyways, right? Well, except for Splinter, but that dude was super old and lived in the sewer, so who is gonna side with him?

So with that, Super Mario is out. He was close too, but you know what they say, close only counts in Missile Command.

The next morning, Spicoli, Suze, Bob, and Sugar find out from treemail that they will be paying their respects to their fallen tribemates – THE TORCHES OF THE FALLEN. Nice, this part is always great. Spicoli says, “They’re all quality human beings, quality competitors. They definitely deserve respect and I’m just honored to be a part of it.” If he were not cut off, he probably would have continued, “except for Dan, because that guy was a moron. Oh, and Michelle. She wasn’t too smart either. And Kelly was no brain surgeon for that matter. Also, what the hell was Gillian doing here? And GC? My God, was he terrible and his shirt was huge. Randy and Pac-Man? Just really not good people. Ugh, I forgot about Lou Ferigno. She was really not good at anything. You know what? Screw these people. I’m going home.” The only person worth remembering is Paloma, because she was super cute. And the Alamo. Remember the Alamo.

Up next was the last immunity challenge – to decide the final three. In it, as THE LORD AND RULER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND UNHOLY explained, the tribe members would have to create a house of cards out of wooden tiles. The first person to reach ten feet or the one with the tallest tower at the end of 30 minutes wins. Spicoli started out slow while the others went at their towers quickly, each having a couple of failed attempts. Sugar was doing well, until “Sugar, your bracelet!” and then BAM. Spicoli thought he had it in the bag, slowly but surely, but Suze erected her tower to 8 feet and waited…no one caught up to her and she won. When she went to the store to buy her sewing machine, however, she couldn’t decide which one to get. She, therefore, decided on a color TV set everyone could enjoy. And everything worked out in the end….until later on, when she met Wally and invited him over for Christmas dinner at her parents’ house…after he lost his job. WAH-WAHHHH.

Well…no. But, yes, Suze won. I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

So, not winning immunity, Bob accepts that he is probably going to be the last person to go. It would be the right play. It would be the smart play. Vote Bob out and you don’t have to face him in the jury. So, I was like, “Sure, Bob will get voted out.” But then I remembered….Sugar. She starts off as a strong, independent woman who knows she is playing a game and…nahhhhh, I am just kidding. Of course, she was crying. She was crying because Bob was going home.

After this, Suze won’t shut up about the fact that she is in the final three. I guess I can’t blame her. Her being in the final three was pretty unbelievable to me too. It was even more unbelievable than the Night Court finale. Dan finds true love and Bull travels to another planet? And yet, that was more believable than this whole Suze affair. I mean, Bull was pretty strange. Its weird, because whenever I went to night court, it was hardly ever zany. Well, unless it’s considered “zany” to vomit on a 45 year-old prostitute. Because, in the case, call me Zany Wayne-y. Actually, don’t do that. I wish I hadn’t written that. I know what you’re saying. Well, then, just erase it. I would, but once I commit it to paper, it stays in here. Because that’s what I promised the guy handing out the “20% off Bath & Body Works coupons” downtown before I shot him. Damn. Well, now it’s out there. Just great.

But, the constant yapping of Suze has irritated some, especially Bob, and he lets Suze know it. He tells her “Well, that just pickles my buckle” or whatever old Southern gentlemen say when they get angry. Then Sugar says something hilarious and makes everyone forget their troubles and….hahaha, kidding! She cries, of course. Then she does something really stupid. She tells Bob she is going to write down Spicoli’s name. And Bob should write down Spicoli’s name. And then Suze and Spicoli will write down Bob’s name. And it will come down to a tie, which will be decided by firemaking. Yep.

So, next came tribal. Suze, still being happy about being guaranteed a spot in the final three, keeps talking about how happy she is that she is guaranteed a spot in the final three. Bob admits that he’s “scarder than a kitty cat in a rocking chair factory, by golly” because he feels very vulnerable not having immunity right now. Spicoli talks about how “What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.” And Sugar talked about how this game was a metaphor for life and how we are all struggling to survive every day and how….NAHHHHHH. She cried. She said that she is in such a tough position because Spicoli is like her stoner brother and Bob is like her pa. Of course, she is in a less tough position than either of them since they are the ones in danger of going home.

When the votes were tallied, it was apparent where Sugar went because they came back as a tie between Bob and Spicoli. So, now they had to make fire and burn a rope. Gee, who is going to win this? It was a close race. Well, sort of close. Actually, Bob stayed somewhat ahead for most of the time. Truthfully, Bob had an inferno going while Spicoli actually had trouble getting his lit. Which is weird, since I think he has a lot of experience lighting things. Heh. Get it? I am talking about drugs.

So, yes, Bob won and Spicoli was sent home. Which means that we said goodbye to weed-based humor, though I hear Cheech & Chong are mounting a comeback.

The next day was a pretty boring one for the Survivors. They cut another notch in the tree and ate some breakfast that the Burnett crew provided them. “Pancake batter,” exclaimed Sugar. And Suze also can’t believe she is still there. And neither can any of us.

But then comes the big immunity challenge. Facing the jury. Just to summarize, the remaining three have to plead their case before the jury and each member of the jury gets to ask whatever questions they want. Highlights included:

Suze gave a great opening speech. She talked about how she sized up her competition and she was like, “hey, I was going up against an Olympic gold medalist, a doctor, a lawyer…” and it got great as she continued on down…”a management consultant, a #1 videogamer, a pharmaceutical rep, a wedding videographer…” Yes, those wedding videographers are extremely intimidating, especially in those “incorporate a star fade” challenges.
When Charlie asked Sugar why he should vote for her, Sugar replied, “I don’t know. I don’t think you have to necessarily vote for me, but it would be nice” or something like that. Hey, guess who DOESN’T win. Cheaters. They don’t win or prosper. Now you know. Then he asked Bob if he enjoyed spooning with him. No, I did not make that up. Bob replied, “tarnation!”
Lou Ferigno said she would give Sugar a booger check. Even just talking and acting normal seems to be beyond her. Also, Sugar rhymes with Booger…and Sugar Boogers would be a really good candy name.
When Super Mario was all, “Hey, Sugar. You broke-ah my heart,” Sugar responded by telling him that was “part of the game” and he “needs to just get over it” and….NAHHHHHHHH. She cried..
Marcus said something or other…I think.
Randy continued to freak me out with his Mohawk.

And the big show of the night was put on by Pac-Man. Pac-Man proved that, since her decline in popularity after the 80’s ended, has become very, very bitter. First, she tells Suze she will only give her the money if she agrees to use it to have her vocal chords removed. Then, she tells Bob she wants him to get nasty and tell her why he doesn’t like Sugar and tells him, “don’t get nice. I don’t relate well to nice people.” Thennnnn, she lets Sugar have it, “You are an unemployed, uneducated leech on society. And the only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of antidepressants so that no one else has to be subjected to your constant crying. Maybe if you got some, then it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father.” My big problem with this monologue? She would vote to give her a handful of antidepressants? That wasn’t particularly witty. She should have said she would vote for her if she used the money to remove her tear ducts or something like that. Seriously, though, that was cold. I thought Sugar’s crying was a little too much too, but jeesh. Pac-Man the videogame character just became more loathed than Pac-Man the football player in my book. Well done.

Then the votes were cast. And THE DEVIL INCARNATE magically walked from Gabon into a LIVE STUDIO! Also, again, no helicopters….no motorcycles…no Chupracabras. So, here we were, live, and OH MY GOD EVERYONE LOOKS DIFFERENT BLAH BLAH BLAH. When the votes were read, the tally was:

Bob: 4 votes
Suze: 3 votes
Sugar: 0 votes

So, Bob is your big winner. Jumping Jelly Beans. Yay. The end.

Until next SEASON,
Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE XIII: HULK NO UNDERSTAND. HULK CONFUSED. HULK NOT GOOD AT THINGS. HULK WISH WORLD WAS EASIER FOR HER.

2008-12-12T11:39:00.001-05:00

OK, I am going to totally blow your mind right now. Are you ready?

You sure?

No turning back now.

Here goes…

Last night’s show was good.

There. I said it. And you know what? I’m a…I’m pretty proud. I liked Survivor last night. Roll your eyes all you want. You don’t know me. You can’t see me. Whatevah. I’ll do what I want.

It began with them all coming back from tribal. Spicoli was not happy. In addition to not having any smoke for, like, 36 days, he also was unhappy about Super Mario writing his name down to be voted out:

Spicoli: Dude, you totally harshed my gig.
Super Mario: Itsah the game, paisan. Here, you shouldah eat. Buono Natale. I no lie to you.
Spicoli: It’s not the first time, man. This one time, I smoked like 6 joints in a row and played Super Mario 3. Then I went out and skinned a raccoon. Then I wore its skin. You know what? No flying. None.
Super Mario: Thatsah the game. You no skin a raccoon. You go home now, Mr. Bailey. His name is Welsh. He no come in my bar no more!
Spicoli: Is this really happening?
Super Mario: It’s me, Mario!

Congratulations, everyone. You were just witness to the first time in history that Super Mario and Martini from It’s a Wonderful Life were compared. Merry Christmas. It really is a wonderful life.

Also, Lou Ferigno was not happy about Spicoli still being around. She said, ““I am really regretting not writing Matty’s name down tonight which is probably the stupidest move that I have made in this game so far.” You think? I don’t know. What about that time you spilled all the rice? Or the time you dropped those poles like two seconds into that immunity challenge? Or how about the time you THOUGHT AN ELEPHANT ATE FOOD THROUGH ITS TRUNK. I mean, maybe you’re right. This could be the stupidest move you have made, but you should maybe put some thought into that comment. It’s a tight race.

Later on, Super Mario gives Bob the business for tricking him with the fake idol. Bob, for some reason, feels bad that his plan of LYING TO SUPER MARIO ended up making him LIE TO SUPER MARIO. Super Mario said he risked everything to save Bob and Pac-Man, and was upset that this was what he got for being a “nice guy.” Seriously. He said this. We all know you did it to save yourself…you went against your own alliance to do it…and now you got screwed. Well, everyone can, except Bob, who probably has glaucoma or whatever old people get that makes them squint all the time. Cataracts? I bet Spicoli has something that might help. Anyways, Bob promised Super Mario that if he wins, he will give him his immunity idol. Also, Super Mario’s Adam’s Apple is frikkin huge. Seriously, he looks like that vulture from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. You know the guy – “My momma done told me…bring somethin’ for dinner.”

So, up next came the reward challenge. THE DARK LORD explained that the Survivors will have to run across a swamp obstacle course, and grab a ball…then they come back and try to get it in this small hoop. Then the have to do it two more times. Simple enough. Reminded me of those carnival games where you have to shoot the basketball into the net to win a Wall E. Gator or a Magilla Gorilla (see kids…I am relevant!!!11). You know, I saw a behind-the-scenes special that said those hoops are bent in a way so as to make it impossible to make a basket. Also, in that “knock the tin cans over” game, they hide an orphan in the back to hold up the bottles, so as to make it impossible to knock them over. And, carnies are all soulless monsters brought forth from the bowels of Hell, so as to make it impossible to love them. It’s true. It’s all here in my Wildlife Treasury.

I’ll skip to the end of the challenge, since I spent all that time dropping mad education on all y’all. Essentially, at the end, the three guys (Bob, Super Mario, Spicoli) were all shooting their 3rd and final ball, while the three girls (Sugar, Lou Ferigno, Suze) hadn’t even made one basket yet. I was going to make a “boys are better at sports” joke, but Sport Billy and Sport Lilly both said that would be poor sportsmanship. So, now I know. Bob ended up winning it (again!) and, frustrated, Lou Ferigno ran up with her ball to dunk on a 4 foot tall hoop. Of course, coming down on the net, her ball ricocheted off and bounced high into the air. Boys are better at sports than Lou Ferigno. Sport Billy and Sport Lilly agree – HULK BAD.

The reward for Bob was that he was going to be helicoptered off to a gorilla sanctuary, where he can eat, sleep, and shower (not with gorillas, unfortunately.) Also, he is told he can choose two people to go with him. He chooses Lou Ferigno and Super Mario. Maybe because he was scared of the gorillas. Lou Ferigno could totally hulk-out and SMASH GORILLA while Super Mario would work nicely as a sacrifice. Regardless, that’s who he takes, and Spicoli is none too happy about it, asking, “you ever seen a gorilla…ON WEED, MAN?”

Oh, and he sends Suze to HOLY CANNOLI WHAT IN THE HECK WAS THAT island. Because, well, she’s really unlikeable.

At the gorilla sanctuary, the three sit down to a nice meal of fruit and salami. Which reminded me of a great joke. A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says, ‘I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.’ And the naked lady says…CRASH THRU CEILING. Get it? Hm, me neither. But in the 80’s, jokes didn’t have to be funny. Remember Hamburger: the Movie? Case closed.

So, then they shower and we are treated to a shot of Lou Ferigno in a towel. I never thought an image of the real Lou Ferigno in a towel would be preferable to anything, but here we are and I am stuck in the daynightmare of that awful, awful scene. I apologize to anyone sitting next to me. The dry heaves are unavoidable. As are the “OH GOD WHY”s.

OK, so while they are standing there, Bob says he felt some sort of connection looking into the gorilla’s eyes. And while he was saying that, I was thinking, “sure…ok, you’re our there with the gorillas in the wild. Probably something spiritual there. Who knows?” Then, they pan out. And they are behind a fence. So, they are basically at a zoo. Hmm. Though I guess I could see it. One time, at the zoo, I felt the same sort of spiritual thing. I was standing at the Arctic Fox cage and I looked over and met eyes with Yellow on the M&M machine. I felt like he saw right through to my soul. Then I went to the gift shop and bought a “paint-your-own” dinosaur kit. True story. It was magical.

While everyone else is away, Spicoli uses his time to pout and complain to Sugar about Super Mario and Lou Ferigno. At first, I thought it a bad strategy, but then I remembered how easily swayed Sugar is. She was swayed against Ace pretty easily early on…so why not? It didn’t seem to be working as Spicoli said jokingly that Sugar should give him her hidden immunity idol and she laughed him off. But, did it pay off in the long run? You’ll have to wait and see. Yes, it did. Sorry, I couldn’t contain myself.

Also, on OH MY CRUD island, Suze says, since Sugar was calling the place where they rest “the Sugar Shack,” she was now going to call it the “Suzie Shack.” Oh, I get it. Because her name is Suzie and Sugar was putting…wow, that may be the worst joke in the history of jokes. Even worse than that one about the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat. THOSE AREN’T BUOYS!!!!!

When Bob, Super Mario, and Lou Ferigno return to camp, Spicoli is openly upset about them being chosen to eat fruit and watch gorillas fling poo. Super Mario and Spicoli get into it a bit and then Lou Ferigno brings down the thunder on Spicoli. But, I don’t know, she just is really not intelligent. Nothing she says makes any sense as she talks about Spicoli bringing her to the final four, but now being aligned with Suze. Even if he was aligned with Suze, 4-2=2. You know? But regardless, she lets Spicoli have it. Hey, when Spicoli’s hair is slicked back, doesn’t he look like Eddie Munster? What was the deal with the Munsters? So, a vampire and a Frankenstein’s Monster hook up. Where would these two have met? And what would Lily want with Herman anyways? Being a walking corpse, I am sure he has no blood running through his veins anyways. But, ok, whatever. They meet. Fine. They get married and have kids. And their kid is…a werewolf. Huh? What? Look, Grandpa was a vampire and, therefore, Lily is a vampire. Now, that makes sense….sort of. I mean, do vampires birth vampires? Or would Grandpa have to have bitten Lily to turn her? Oh well, at least Marilyn was hot.

Annnnnnnyways…

Sugar is pretty upset about Spicoli getting yelled at. Like, really upset. It seems Sugar has replaced her nervous fits of giggling with random bouts of weeping. She didn’t like that Spicoli was getting kicked when he was down. She is now realizing that Super Mario’s weak act is all a cover for his devious plans and that Lou Ferigno is just a “big bully.” Bullies are awful stuff. I once had his bully that used to chase me and my friends to school everyday. He used to bend my arm back and make me scream ‘uncle.’ He wore a coonskin cap and he had this little toadie who once told me I had an Aunt Tilly. And he had yellow eyes. Once, though, I beat him up and made his nosebleed. Then, I listened to Little Orphan Annie on the radio and made my friend stick his tongue to a pole. It was a magical Christmas because it was the first one I didn’t spend locked in the basement. The end.

So, Sugar tells Spicoli he is safe. She will make sure of it. She also tells him to let her do the thinking. I don’t know buddy. That’s a risky proposition. It’d be like Stevie Wonder telling me to let him “do the seeing.” Or Linda from Sesame Street saying let her “do the hearing.” Or Mary-Kate Olsen telling me to let her do the “eating and not sniffing coke.”

Next up was the immunity challenge. According to THE UNHOLY MASTER, the challenge had them all going through an obstacle course to retrieve pieces of a mask and then coming back and assembling them. Sounds easy, right? WRONG! NEXT ISSUE! They have to do it blindfolded. This resulted in Suze going way outside the course and walking around in a hilarious Three Stooges-like fashion and Lou Ferigno continuing her trend of sucking and walking into other lanes. Bob wins (four straight challenges) and gets back the immunity necklace.

And now the scheming begins. Super Mario’s plan is to get Bob to give him the immunity necklace and then take him out of the game. Wow, pretty low. He’s less “Mario” and more “Wario.” Am I right? huh? Come on. Right? Hm? Eh? Er? Wario. Like from the game. Heh? Hah? Uh? Em? Right? Um? Huh? Hmmm? Yeah? Wario. Man, right? No? Think about it. Now? Yeah. Oh man. Hilarious, right? Wario. Dang. Right? Well, just give it some time.

So, Bob tells Super Mario that he will give him the necklace if he feels that Super Mario is going to be voted out. Super Mario, then, goes back to the camp and tells the rest of them to convince Bob Super Mario is next to go. “Gee, sounds great! I am going to do that!” they all respond. No, they didn’t. In fact, Sugar goes right to Bob and tells him Super Mario’s plan. Of course she cried. Why wouldn’t she? She also tells Bob there is a special place in her heart for him. It’s the “sweet old man” place. Also there are Wilford Brimley, Tom Bosley, and the old guy from the “who broke my window?” Church of Latter-Day Saints commercial. Easy fellas. There ain’t no action in the “sweet old man” room. Just puppy dog eyes and “hey good for you”s.

At tribal, the first interesting thing is when the jury is brought out. Randy has a Mohawk. And, not surprisingly, its less “Mr. T” cool and more “Repo Man” creepy. Then, THE DEVIL starts in on the questions. Spicoli says he is glad Bob has immunity because he deserves it, “unlike some people” (nudge, nudge, wink wink, Super Mario Lou Ferigno). Super Mario tells everyone of Bob’s agreement to give him the idol, to I guess make Bob look bad if he doesn’t. BEELZEBUB asks Bob if its true and Bob confirms, but says that the agreement was changed and he needed to feel that Super Mario was in real danger before he gave it over. And he says he doesn’t. SNAP! Diss#1. Then the votes are cast. And we are shown Lou Ferigno’s mug face giving Spicoli her vote…which just made me really angry and want to SMASH!!!!111. Then, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol, since it’s the last time. And Sugar pulls a move that made me totally change any bad opinion I have ever had of her. She hands it to Spicoli and he uses it, voiding any votes against him. The look on Lou Ferigno’s face made every moment I have sat through this wretched show worth it.

Of course, Lou Ferigno was voted off and Pac-Man was super happy in the jury. I think it was a smart move on Sugar’s part….because she looks really good in front of the jury. You figure she can coast on and get Super Mario and Suze voted out, if they don’t win immunity. And then, well…who knows.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE XI: BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NEW SPRINT INSTINCT

2008-12-08T08:22:00.002-05:00

‘allo my lovelies.

Sorry, I just thought that would be such a creepy way to start this week’s newsletter. I don’t know…calling someone “my lovely” just feels so…eww. Doesn’t it feel like I should be offering you candy right now and telling you I am a good friend of your parents? Well, forget it. The candy is mine…all mine. Except the Mary Janes. You can have those. They’re terrible. Oh, and the Jujubees. Because those are like chewing on ear plugs that have been left out in the cold for too long.

Anyways, where was I? Oh right…So, why do I only know one Spandau Ballet song? I mean, “True” pretty much is one of the greatest songs ever written and, according to their Wikipedia entry, they have like a kabillion singles. But just the one. The one, perfect Spandau Ballet song. Maybe that’s the way it should be. Maybe God, in his infinite wisdom, only meant for me to know the one, true Spandau Ballet song so that I may know perfection. I bought a ticket to the wor-her-herld. Hm? Survivor? Ohhhh…sorry. Wrong tangent.

Well, the show started with the tribe coming back from tribal council all laughing about the trick they played on an old man. But its like, hey, tricking an old man isn’t that hard. I once convinced the old bum down by the tracks, Stinky Pete, that the third rail tasted like Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. Man, what a time that was. And the funniest part about the whole thing? He was my brother. I mean, wow…Man, was I embarrassed.

So, Bob did not like all the hootin’ and hollerin’ Sugar was doing about the Randy blindside. He felt bad about his role in it, but he felt that Sugar had taken it a bit too far. And then Pac-Man joined in, calling Sugar a hypocrite. Then Sugar said that Pac-Man talked behind people’s backs, to which Pac-Man replied, “Have you seen the size of my mouth? Even when I form small words like ‘a’ and ‘chomp,’ I register on the Richter. If I am talking behind your back, you would know it.” Then she used a palm tree to pick some food out of her teeth.

The next day, out on the water, Super Mario and Bob pull up a fish. Super Mario then starts talking about how “back in the old country, he madah the best baccala. Now, on the plumber money, hes ah havin to settle for the Filet-of-the-fish at the McDonald’s. Itsah no good.” Then he went on to talk about how Mortal Kombat for Sega Genesis is the greatest video game ever, to which Bob replied, “I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a very good game, but Donkey Kong is better.” Super Mario replied, “Donkey Kong sucks.” Bob then retorted, “You know something. You suck.”

Wait. Is that what happened?

Oh, then Super Mario (probably still reeling from the whole “you suck” fiasco) told us how he feels about Bob’s strategy. He doesn’t like. No sir, he doesn’t. He thinks that Bob is just not looking out for himself and is here to “build things.” Well, I will tell you what – he has built something. He’s built a solid bridge made of love to my heart. There. I said it. Super Mario then said he’d be cool with getting rid of Bob. Probably because he’s always using a hammer LIKE THE HAMMER BROTHERS!!!

Super Mario checklist:

Italian stereotypical accent: Check
Non-sequitir videogame reference: Check
Direct Super Mario Brothers reference: Check
Having a “why do I write this thing” moment: Priceless

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe had to divide into teams of three and tie themselves to one another to go out to the swamp and collect these sprocket-shaped puzzle pieces and bring them back and assemble them to create this mechanism to raise their flag. And then, before the challenge, THE DEVIL WITH NO HEART tells them all they will be playing for a video message from their loved ones on THE NEW SAMSUMG INSTINCT PHONE BY SPRINT. And everyone gets a taste before the challenge. And, of course, everyone cried…Even the people who got messages from, like, their sister, or cousin…Seriously. You’re that upset about getting a message from your sister? I haven’t seen my kids in months and you don’t see me crying about it. Its not like they have gone anywhere. I just made a bet with myself that I could “not look down” for three months. I am almost there. If I win, I get to buy myself a manicure.

So, yeah, winner gets a video message and pizza and beer. Man, love pizza and beer. And sandwiches and beer. And cake and beer. And self-loathing and beer. God, I hate myself.

So, Lou Ferigno and Suze pick the stones and become team captains. Lou Ferigno picks Sugar and Bob and Suze picks Super Mario and Spicoli. Pac-Man has to sit out because no one picked her. Probably because the challenge didn’t involve chasing a floating pretzel or turning ghosts into sets of eyes. Team Lou Ferigno came out to an early lead…and blah blah blah. They said these things would be Sprocket-shaped, but they looked absolutely nothing like a fluffy dog who lives in a fix-it shop and chases Fraggles all day. Dance your cares away, worries for another day.

Oh, and team Lou Ferigno did win and go off to the next round, where the three of them had to work to put together a slide puzzle, Being the only one with a functioning brain stem, Bob wins and gets to enjoy pizza, beer, and a message from Bea Arthur. And in it, Bea Arthur was like, “hey, I have something special to show you” and then she walks off the camera. And then she comes out from behind a tree and it was like, “AND THEN THERE’S MAUDE….” And I was all, “how’d she do that?” She must have one of those things like in The Fly. Which made sense. Because the skin under her arm looked really loose and ready to come off.

Man, I am awesome today.

So, at that moment we were all WHOA, right? Wait, there’s more. When Bob came back with Bea to the camp, he gave this pretty impressive whistle (good thing he won…I don’t think anyone else could have whistled like that) and up over the hill came EVERYONE’S LOVED ONES. Suze’s husband, Pac-brother, Princess Peach, Spicoli’s dealer…er, girlfriend, Lou Ferigno’s husband (what??), and Sugar’s sister, who looked like she enjoyed sugar more. Oh snap. Seriously, that was cold. I am sorry.

Actually, Sugar and her sister were pretty emotional because her sister brought her father’s ashes to scatter in a swamp in Africa. Hm. “You know, Dad always said he wanted to spend eternity with leeches and STAPH INFECTION.” I don’t know. Is it just me?

But the big moment of the night – BIGGER THAN ASH SCATTERING?? – was Spicoli’s time with his girlfriend:

Spicoli: Look, dude. I think you’re totally bodacious.
Fem-coli: Thanks man.
Spicoli: So, will you hang ten with me forever?
Fem-coli: Whoa.
Spicoli: Whoa.
Fem-coli: Aloha.
Spicoli : …
Fem-coli: …
Spicoli: Cool.
Fem-coli: I love you, Spicoli.
Spicoli: I love you…weed.

It was at that moment, I remembered I started out calling Spicoli Frodo. Damn, that would have been much easier to keep up. I BLEW IT.

After they all leave, Pac-Man and Bob go into the trees. Bob has a plan. He has made another fake immunity idol. The plan is that one of them has to win immunity. The plan is to get the word out that they have the idol that Marcus “pretended” to throw into the water and instill some fear of voting them out into everyone. At first, I was like, “no way would they fall for a fake Bob idol again.” But then I remembered…Lou Ferigno.

The immunity challenge involved Gabon-related questions…For each question a member got right, they would receive one ball. Then, they would move to a platform where they would throw their balls at a bulls-eye in the sand. The one with the ball closest to the middle wins immunity. And honestly, one of the questions was “an elephant uses his trunk as a nose, to grab things, and as his mouth” or something like that. It definitely asked if an elephant uses his trunk as his mouth. And it was true or false. And I believe Lou Ferigno got it wrong. Let me repeat – Lou Ferigno thought an elephant ate through its trunk. She is so awful at everything.

In the end, Bob won immunity. And he and Pac-Man then had to figure out their plan. She says she should let word get out that she has this idol so that people would not vote for her. She tells Super Mario and, despite having better graphics than her, he decides to join up with her and vote out Spicoli. Then he brings in Lou Ferigno. Then, Super Mario conspires with Lou Ferigno to vote out Pac-Man in order to flush out the idol. Lou Ferigno, of course, doesn’t understand but she blindly trusts Super Mario because she has no other option. Their hope is that Pac-Man will use the idol and this will, in turn, result in Spicoli getting the boot, since he is a strong player. And he won’t share any of his stash.

At tribal, of course, Pac-Man does not play any idol. And she is thusly voted out.The good news? She can finally return to Pac-Land. I guess Blinky has found a way to grow a strain of power pellet that can turn Pacs into ghosts. That Blinky. Get ‘em Pac…

Until next time
Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE X: GOTCHA! GOTCHA WHERE I WANT YA. TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW. GOTCHA!

2008-11-21T09:22:00.002-05:00

Yes, I did just as I said and did not write a recap last week. Don’t be like that. Anyways, let me summarize what it looks like we missed so that we are up to speed. First off, the tribes have merged and have now become Nobag, which is African for “without luggage.” Also, Bob had no luck finding the idol since Sugar already pwns it. So, he drew on the wallet-making skills he learned back at the retirement community to create a fake idol. And Charlie is gone. Hey, look at the bright side. At least he and Marcus can be together now. They were positively glowing when they came in to sit jury last night.

Oh, also, I watched this one with my son so I missed a whole bunch do to having to answer questions like, “why are they wearing headbands?” and “what’s a idol?” and “when I grow up, can I have vodka for dinner like you?” so I will probably be making most of this stuff up. Seriously, why do you still read this?

On to last night’s episode. It started with the Super Mario/Ferigno alliance being super excited about the blindside they orchestrated. Randy sees the shift in power over to the plumber and the shirt-ripper and doesn’t like it one bit, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Its tough for me, because I want Corinne to go far, but that means rooting for Randy. It’d be like if I wanted Rudy to be called in the game and sack the quarterback, I’d also have to shoot a kitten. I mean, I would….but that’s besides the point. What? Oh, like you wouldn’t. It’s f’ing Rudy.

Then it cuts to Sugar, who honestly seems to get better looking with each episode (two-face? More like one-face. Right? Right?), talking with Bob about wanting to vote out Randy. When Bob tells her that he doesn’t have the hidden immunity idol, she feigns shock. Her idol-inspired confidence has her awkwardly giggling way too much, though. “Bob has no idea I have the idol. And I kind of feel bad. But it’s also hilariou-HAHAHABWAHAHAHAHBLAHEHEHEHEEWABBBAHABBATUBA.” Does this girl even know what a joke is? Seriously. OK, here’s one:

Why didn’t anyone want to sleep with the Daddy Dinosaur?
Give up?
Because he was a Bronto-snore-us!

You’re welcome.

So then, Bob reveals his fake idol to Sugar, who says, “maybe he’s an evil genius. I don’t know.” She said “he” like she meant, “maybe he’s the evil genius, not me.” Is Sugar an evil genius? Wow, evil geniuses have really gone downhill over the last few years, huh? No one with her belly button tattoo can ever be considered a genius. Seriously. It’s a fact. For real, you have to sign a “terms and conditions” when you get a tattoo like that stating that you fully understand that you will never ever be considered a genius of any kind after receiving such a tattoo. I think Mike Tyson and Megan Fox also had to sign the same thing.

Then Corinne and Randy go to get the treemail and discuss the situation. Corinne thinks that the plan in the other alliance is to have Lou Ferigno, Super Mario, and Suze in the final three. Ugh, seriously? Lou Ferigno is so terrible at this game. She may be the worst person in the history of this show. No, scratch that…in the history of television. Nope, in the history of anything ever that ever happened anywhere in the infinite universe. Honestly, if that happens, my head could explode, Scanners-style. I wonder if my wife would put one of the kids on brain detail if that ever happened. Because she has trouble even dealing with dog vomit. Just something to think about. The More You Know.

So, in their discussion, they decide that they should try to bring Spicoli into their alliance. Unfortunately, none of them have weed OR a gnarly wave, so its gonna be tough. Then, when bringing the treemail back, Corinne yells to her tribe members, “You guys, treemail has individual envelopes for everybody.” And, in reaction, Suze lets out this ungodly noise that sounds like whenever Goofy would ski off a mountain. Its hard to write it, but it would maybe look something like, “Waaahoohoohooey.” Suze is giving Lou Ferigno a run for her money. I still like Super Mario though…because he’s proven that nerds can be somebodies. And tonight, those b*$tards trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it. And we have news for the beautiful people. There's a lot more of us then there are of you. I know there's alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might've been called a spaz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you're a nerd or not, why don't you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on. TED MCGINLEY!!!!!!1111PWNED!

So, in the envelopes was a message that alluded to an auction, along with 500 dollars for each member. YAY!! they all cheered. Because that’s what they do.

And here is the rundown:

- When they arrived at the auction site, BEELZEBUB explains that the bidding will be in increments of 20 dollars and there will be no pooling money or sharing prizes.

- The first item up for bid is a bucket of beer and peanuts. Randy wins with a bid of $180 over Sugar. Sugar admits that she doesn’t really like beer. She just wanted to drive the price up for Randy. Not surprising. She seems much more like a Purple Passion type of girl. Purple Passion – the drink of choice for evil geniuses.

- Next item? A covered surprise. Ooooh. Ken wins it for $340. Under it is a note that says he can send someone to SUPER DUPER HOLY FRAK ISLAND and take all their money. He sends Bob and takes his $500.

- Then the next item is covered…OH MY LORD!!! Sugar wins it for $340. Its chocolate and peanut butter. That’s totally like that candy.

- The next item is the reason I couldn’t sleep lastnight. A hot bath. That someone has to take right there. In front of everyone. Who wins? Sugar? Corinne? Randy? Nope…you think its going to be that easy? Suze. SUZE! And she strips right there. You remember that scene in The Shining with the old lady in the bathtub? Or how about the scene in About Schmidt when Kathy Bates gets naked in the hottub. Both of those infinitely more erotic than this. I still feel unclean. Also, what is with Jack Nicholson and unappealing ladies in hot water? Heeeeerrrrrrreee’s saggy breasts!!!

- The next item is a burger and fries with a soda. Spicoli wins it with a bid of $400. Munchies, dude, munchies. Funyuns, man, Funyuns.

- The next item is covered again. STOP IT BURNETT! YOU ARE KILLING ME!!! Randy and Super Mario bid high, but Super Mario gives it up. Its spaghetti and meatballs and wine. Super Mario exclaimed, “I lostah that meatsa balls. Mamma mia! Itsah just like momma used to make. Oh mamma. I missah you cookin. Pasta fagioli! Chef Boyardee.”

- The next item is a bottle with something in it that THE UNHOLY MASTER says will give the highest bidder and advantage in the immunity challenge. Corinne immediately jumps in with a bid of $500. Super Mario has more money, but gives it to Corinne. I know I have Corinne in the pool, but she is so boring…she’s very hard to right about. Her mouth is big, I guess. Which reminds me of Pac-Man. Hey, Corinne is Pac-Man. Done. And she can’t open up the bottle until the beginning of the immunity challenge.

- The next item is covered and the first person to bid on it wins. Randy wins with his $20 and THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS explains he just won it for the tribe – a plate of chocolate chip cookies. First, Randy asks if he can have it for himself, and the answer is no. Then, he goes to hand them out. Sugar is offered a cookie first and says she doesn’t want it. Since there was an extra cookie, Randy asks Pac-Man if she would like an extra one. She takes one and a half, and Randy gives Spicoli the other half. Then there is one cookie left. Randy hasn’t had one yet, but offers it to Sugar, who takes it and gives it to Spicoli. The Munchies be crazy.

So, ok…on the way back to the camp, Spicoli thanks Sugar for the cookie. Sugar. Cookie. BAWAhahahahahaha. Sugar would have laughed. Anyways, Randy gets pretty angry about this, saying it wasn’t her cookie to give away. She took his cookie and gave it to Spicoli. I sort of agree with the old fart here. That was kind of ridonkulous. And Sugar thinks its crazy to get all upset over a cookie. But of course she does. She’s the one who gave his cookie away. I mean, I get upset over cookies all the time…and I haven’t been starving in Africa for days. Just yesterday, there was only one Lorna Doone left. And my son ate it. So I grounded him for a month. Tough? Perhaps. But how else will he ever learn that I am irrational and prone to fits of anger? I love that little…HEY! DON’T YOU DARE MOVE! WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK BEFORE ACTING. I’LL TURN THIS PLACE AROUND. I KNOW IT’S A HOUSE. DON’T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE. I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. THAT’S IT. CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED.

Hey, it’s how my father taught me and I turned out…SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES.

At CRAZY STUFF BE HAPPENING ISLAND, Bob chooses clue over comfort and realizes it’s a clue he already saw, so he decides to go on a hike and appreciate Africa. “Where are all the topless chicks,” he proclaimed. OK, he didn’t. But I did. Sorry, ladies, I’m taken.

The next day, Randy and Pac-Man come up with a plan. Randy is going to be really hard to live with, so that everyone wants to vote him out and then when Bob comes back, hopefully he’s found the idol and Randy can use it. Really good plan. Not! What? Is “Not!” out? Seriously? And I usually consider myself so up on the hip lingo. Where’s the beef? Am I right? Pac-Man fever!

So, Randy commences what he calls Operation Strong Arm. But, honestly, he has basically been acting like this the whole time, no? It would be like me being, “OK, I am going to start being extremely handsome and charming and irresistible to beautiful and exotic women starting now.” You would all just be like, “Oh, hey Wayne…just another day for you, right? Because you are acting the same.” Then, I would do that whole burping the ABC’s thing I always do. And the swooning would be uncontrollable. I know…I could literally hear hearts breaking the moment I said, “I do.” Hey hun, you win…you got me.

Next up – Immunity Challenge! The tribe members have to walk across beams and gather these blocks and then set them up like dominoes while avoiding trip wire. I know. Let’s just move on. Also, Pac-Man is told she can read her note, which says she can sit out the first round and move directly to the finals, along with the top two finishers from round 1. So, the challenge starts and surprise, surprise, Lou Ferigno is just awful So bad, that I think even SATAN has stopped commentary on her. Did she seriously compete in the Olympics? Are you sure it wasn’t the Laff-a-lympics? Because that would make more sense. I’d say she was like the Really Rottens, but even they won once. Lou Ferigno, you are lower than the Really Rottens…and they had mostly made up characters, like the Creepleys. Seriously, were they ever in anything else? The Creepleys? More like the Creep…oh, I guess actually being called the Creepleys is already pretty bad.

So, I will just skip to the end. Super Mario won. Pac-Man lost. Not surprising. Pac-Man’s whole existence depended on mostly running away from dimwitted ghosts, unless he chomped on a power pellet, which were rare in the game. Though in the cartoon, there were forests full of power pellets. Don’t you hate it when video games are less than accurate? I also heard that Q-Bert and Coily were actually lovers in real life. And King Hippo? He was neither royalty nor hippopotamus.

So, ok…how is Randy’s Operation Strong Arm going? Not well. Sugar convinces Bob to give Randy the fake idol and tell him its real, which should make Randy use it at tribal, thus making him the source of ridicule, which would be even more embarrassing than when Robert Downey Jr. poured milk shake all over Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science. There’s a big white sale going on…at Towel World! I don’t get it.

So, Bob is convinced. And tensions are high. Even Lou Ferigno is angry. When filling out her card, she doesn’t hide her anger. “HULK NO LIKE RANDY. HULK WISH HE GO HOME. HULK HATE RANDY. HULK…HULK…HULK HAVE NO INSIDE VOICE.” And everyone is smiling deviously. Randy is smiling because he thinks he has the idol. Sugar is smiling because she knows he doesn’t. And Pac-Man is smiling because her mouth won’t do anything else.

When Randy plays the idol, of course it doesn’t work. LUCIFER gives a long speech about the hidden immunity idol and then, much to Randy’s chagrin, says this is not the idol. And of course, Sugar thinks this is high-larious. So does Lou Ferigno. Who doesn’t deserve to be there.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE VIII: SHOULD I CALL YOU LOGAN OR WEAPON X? CALL ME WOLVER-BAM GONE

2008-11-11T22:57:00.001-05:00

Alright, so I know I know…late again. This time, though, I was off at a work offsite in Vermont being really awesome – just ask anyone. Especially me. If you ask me, I would say I was crazy awesome. Because I was. You don’t believe me. Whatevs. Look, I don’t care what you think…you’re not the boss of me. Whatever. Whatever. I’ll do what I want!

Oh, also, I will probably be starting the next newsletter with an apology too because I will be at the Bruins game on Thursday and I have a feeling I won’t have a feeling on Friday. Like any feelings. I am pretty much just betting on numbness. And so should you. It’s a sure thing.

Anywhat, at the beginning of the episode, at the Fang tribe, everyone was talking excitedly about the Ace blindside. Everyone except Spicoli, who was all to Sugar, “You D$#K!” He also said he would never make another promise on his girlfriend. He promised he wouldn’t. On his girlfriend. Damn. Then he said starting now, he wouldn’t. He promised. On his girl – awwww, almost did it again. Phew. Close. He then said that was the biggest mistake he ever made. He swears. On his girlfriend. What? Dammit.

After that, Spicoli said that he thought Lou Ferigno would be gunning for him now. Lou, though, said not to worry because she isn’t good at anything, including gunning for people. Then, everyone said they would like to merge because they hungry. And everyone told Sugar that they would not tell anyone else in the other tribe she has the idol. Spicoli promised. On his girlfriend. Dagnabbit!

At Kota, Corinne was talking about Susie and hating her or some stuff. But, all I could focus on was Marcus’ crazy facial hair. He’s got like these two really heavy hair patches on each cheek surrounded by light stubble everywhere else. He sort of looked like Wolverine. And Wolverine was cool and all, but even his fans couldn’t say he had the best fashion sense. Adamantium insides? Sure. Well-coiffed outsides? No way. WEAPON X!!!!! GAMBIT! G33KS R TEH KEWL!

Then came the tree mail. And it said they were going to eat, which everyone thought meant the merge was coming. This was good news for Kota, who has the numbers to beat Fang…and it was good news for Fang, who wants to know what a winner looks like. I wish they had just asked me. I would have told them. A winner has dark hair and light eyes. A winner is about 5’8 and has a constant five o’clock shadow. A winner dresses less than professional at his work, but still commands respect. A winner writes a newsletter about a reality show that jumped the shark like 6 seasons ago. Its specific, but how else would they find this person? Also, a winner is specific.

When they get to the beach, everyone starts acting all happy to see each other. “Hey, remember when I ate all that food in front of you and you were close to dead from starvation? It’s so good to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.”

Then they see all the food and everyone made the Bill Cosby “Jell-O Pudding is Yummy” face – Pokeman? With the pokey and the man? – because they are all thinking about how much they would enjoy food. And the ‘Cos makes that face because, well, if you wore sweaters like that, you would too. YOU CANNOT SAY FILTH FLARN FILTH!!!

Then, though, they see a box that says they need to wait to open it because once they do, the feast is over. At this, they made the open mouthed Bill Cosby “now let’s see what Mi has in store for us today” face. Picture Pages, Picture Pages. Time to get your Picture Pages. Time to get your crayons and your pencil. I still curse my mother for never buying me my own Mortimer Ichabod pen. But, I bet it didn’t really make that noise anyways. TV always lies. Except for the A-Team. That mess was real.

Then as they are eating, Super Mario sees a note on the table and sees the word “immunity” and he was like, “Thatsa crazy. Thissa piece of the paper with the wordsa on it is a mess with my head like the Limoncello.” Also, Charlie saw it and it said that they could either keep what it said to themselves or they could share it with the group. Charlie decided to share it with the group. To this, Super Mario made the Bill Cosby “Ghost Dad did how bad at the box office?” face.

I know…I’m bringing Cosby back.

The note said that the idol was hidden under a tree near this log…seriously, the note-writers weren’t even trying. It was like watching an episode of Blue’s Clues:

Steve: Hey, everyone. We’re gonna go watch Blue’s Clues. We’re gonna go watch Blue’s Clues. Cuz we’re really smart.

Blue: Bark.

Steve: Hey Blue. OK, let’s take out our handy dandy notebook and see what Blue wants to eat. First, we saw a pawprint on something hot. Then we saw a dog. And a plate of fries. Gee, what could Blue want to eat?

Blue: Bark!

Steve: (to the audience) What do you guys think?

Me: (yelling at TV) Holy crap! You are the worst detective ever Steve. No wonder they replaced you with Joe. God, it’s a frikkin’ hot dog and fries! Are you serious??!! Oh man. I wish Blue would tear out your larynx. It’s a good thing I’m totally hammered right now or I would just lose it.

My son: Cries.

Regardless of the low degree of difficulty of the clue, Randy was still excited he figured it out. Because he’s old probably. He gets excited when he figures out that the “T” stands for Tuesday and “Th” stands for Thursday on his pill box. So, they find the idol and the Kota members decide to announce a plan to get rid of it. Super Mario and Spicoli were not totally down with the plan, but they decided they had no choice but to go with it. “Hey, thissa idol. Itsa important. Throwing that sonomabich thing away would be-ah like throwin away the raccoon suit. Mama mia,” said Super Mario. Spicoli agreed, “Dude, totally. It would be like throwing away some gnarly doobage. Alright Hamilton!”

But, regardless, the plan went through and all went out to the ocean to throw it away. Randy said he would take his clothes off if he had to. Apparently, the “Th” revelation had not occurred to him this week. Thankfully for us and my still in tact retinas, he remained clothed. He also says he is king of Gabon, because he helped to make people throw away an immunity idol. So did Wolverine. Then Cyclops disagreed. Then they both looked grumpily at each other, while Jean Grey continued to be a boring character unless she was Phoenix.

Then they open the box. The box instructs them to draw stones. They all draw stones, perplexed. Then the next part says that the even stones would be the new Kota tribe and the odd stones would be the new Fang. The new Kota is Super Mario, Lou Ferigno, Susie, Wolverine, and Bob (?). The new Fang is Sugar, Spicoli, Charlie, and Corinne. What the who??? This show be trippin’

At the new Kota tribe, Wolverine reveals that Lou Ferigno is the cousin of one of his best friends. Probably Beast, right? When asked, Beast responded, “Well, I am quite highly educated and also hairy and strong. What do you mean, ‘that just seems like the writers threw together some random characteristics’? Preposterous.” So wise. And hairy. So, Wolverine says that if Lou Ferigno is cool people like her cousin, he won’t write her name down. And Lou Ferigno responds, “HULK GOOD PEOPLE. HULK COOL LIKE THAT. HULK WANT KNOW YOU LIKE SPORTS TEAMS?” Aw Hulk, what a destructive monster you are. Lou Ferigno says she won’t write down Wolverine’s name either, because she doesn’t know how to spell it.

At the new Fang tribe, Spicoli tells Sugar that Ace was not trying to screw her over at all and that Super Mario was lying to her. Sugar starts crying because she feels like she screwed Ace over for no reason. This was like the time I thought my wife left me at a bar and I went home, cursing her out the entire time on the train, and up to the house, and through the door, and as I picked up the phone…until I heard, on my messages, “You a-hole, you left me at the bar.” Then I was like, wait…I thought I left her, but she actually left me. We really learned something that night. She learned that I am a huge idiot and I learned that the couch in our old apartment was actually pretty comfortable.

Wolverine does not trust Suze. He says she is out there playing dizzybat and spinning in circles. The overlord of metaphors responded, “Dude, seriously? Dizzybat? Please stop. You are besmirching all I stand for. You are like the devil of grammar.” To which the Duke of Similes retorted, “Man, that’s my schtick. And there is no such thing as a ‘devil of grammar.’ You’re the absolute worst person with the worst most awful horriblest facial hariest facial hair.” The duchess of hyperbole then shot herself.

Then came the immunity challenge. As they were gathering, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS asked Wolverine if he still thought he had this game figured out. Then he smirked. Wolverine’s claws were out, but Professor Xavier said sternly “Logan” and Wolverine backed down, still steaming.

The challenge was an endurance challenge where everyone had to hold up these two poles and keep them from falling out from under the blocks of wood above them. The last person standing wins immunity for their tribe. Lou Ferigno, being really the most awful contestant in the history of Survivor, dropped hers basically before THE PROBST explained all the rules. Then came Sugar, Lou’s closest competition in the “worst ever” contest. At the end, it came down to Charlie, Spicoli, and Bob (?). Then out goes Charlie. Then Spicoli starts laughing for no reason. Yeah, no reason…puff puff. And they are both struggling. Spicoli comes close to losing it, but holds it together for some guy named Bob to drop his.

Back at Kota, Wolverine tells Lou Ferigno he is going to vote out Super Mario, then Susie next. Lou Ferigno says to the camera, “Trying to vote out my ally? You can’t outwit me, baby.” Ummm, was he trying to outwit you? He just told you what he was going to do. And that was what he was going to do. Outwitting you means tricking you, no? You’re right, Lou. You can’t be outwitted. Hey, Lou, look…Elvis. God, you’re dumb.

Then Wolverine goes back to Susie and tells her he is voting out Kenny. She then says she just wants him to take her to the final three. That takes some nads, man. I mean, why would she even expect him to do that? She is crazy. And those two growing breast-caused sweat spots on the front of her shirt are making me so nauseous. Seriously…I’m gonna vom…no, ok, better…no, wait…chunks rising…ok, got them down…nope they’re back and…hun, the dog got sick all over the floor. BAD DOG!!

Talking with Lou Ferigno, Susie tells her that Wolverine is taking her to the final three. Lou Ferigno says he can’t promise that because everyone hates her and wishes she was dead. Susie seems to be buying it.

At tribal council, Lou Ferigno said that being at Kota was like being in corpriate America, whatever that is. Seriously, is she reading this blog? Because she is becoming more and more like the real-life Lou Ferigno everyday, except she is less awesome – very much so.

Anyways, in the end, Wolverine was voted out. And we also say goodbye to our short-lived and long-loved Wolverine subplot. At least for now. I think Wolverine is the first member of our jury. So, I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Until next time,
Wayne

P.S. Everyone who has not paid me yet, please do so soon…this contest will be over soon…and I own brass knuckles. Well, not really…but I did fashion some tin foil into something that loosely resembles brass knuckles. My mom totally fell for it and I got double dessert at last Sunday’s dinner. So, yeah…be afraid.

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE VII: TWO TRIBAL COUNCILS IS LIKE CRAZY TOWN, RIGHT?

2008-11-03T07:51:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. Sorry for the late newsletter, but the wayward spirits of All Hallow’s Eve must have had my ever-vulnerable mortal soul in their cold, lifeless clutches and bound it with the impenetrable ropes of the….sorry, no, I was just busy doing laundry. And it was eeeeeevil. But, to your benefit, you get me writing this as I watch the Pats game. So, keep on the lookout for shifts in mood. If I start to go to a dark place in the writing, you’ll know things aren’t well. To add to the “realness,” I have also thrown whiskey into the mix. So, you know…things could get really real tonight, my friends.

Anyways, last Thursday’s show began with the Fang tribe going over what they have left for rice. And, a couple minutes later, Lou Ferigno goes ahead and knocks over the supply. You know, when the show first started, when I read her bio, I really thought we were getting Incredible Hulk Lou Ferigno, but we ended up with King of Queens Lou Ferigno. You know, when he played the next door neighbor who made Kevin James look intelligent. Kevin James. Kevin. James. HULK DUMB.

Then, to the camera, Spicoli was all, “Dude, she totally like harshed my gig. I was all, whoa. And she was all, nah.” Lou Ferigno then made the situation even more tenser by refusing to eat the rice. “HULK SPILL. HULK CLUMSY. HULK NO EAT. YOU NO LIKE HULK.” Honestly, I feel like I have made Hulk jokes in like every season of Survivor, but whatever. Caps = LOL. Damn, I have also made that joke before too. Have I jumped the shark? So, after that, Ace says to the camera, “Crystal did me a favor and she will be the next lamb to the slaughter.” Except he said it with his accent, which made it sound like “lamb to the slawtaugh.” Then he ate her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

That’s totally like in that movie.

Now, if you thought that was awkward, let’s head on over to Kota. Dan is starting to feel like Rick Morehouse in Just One of the Guys. Like, before he met the dude who was actually a chick. You know, while he was still jamming to James Brown in his bedroom and wearing ill-fitting shirts and not comparing himself to “Cindy Lowwper.” Danny boy is feeling left out of the Marcus-Charlie-Corinn alliance. He basically went up to them and asked if he could be their friend. Unfortunately, it went over as well as if Martha Dumptruck had done the same with the Heathers. Its probably because he always wears a tie to tribal council. I once knew this little fat kid in school who wore a tie and everybody made fun of, and nobody liked and he had a twin brother, and everybody said he never looked like his twin brother, but he wanted to...Wayne, were you that fat kid? No! No! But I used to beat the sh*t out of him! "Why are you so fat? Why are so ugly?" Aaagghh!

Wow, three 80’s movie references in one paragraph. That has to be some sort of record. I am a winner.

Honestly, the reward challenge was super boring, so I won’t go into too much detail. There was aggression and ball-breaking and broken spirits and…dang, this sounds a lot like high school NO HE DIDN’t!! HELLOOOO! And Fang lost. Blah blah. What did Kota win? A helicopter ride and a picnic. And Randy was his loathsome self while Sugar again proved useless. Then, Sugar was ordered to go to SUPER SCARY HOLY CRAPBALL ISLAND!!! Was this a repeat?

After the loss, Fang further fell down a spiral of shame and self-hate from whence few return (Indy 7, Pats 3). On a romantic canoe ride, Spicoli tries to convince Ace to vote out Sugar based on her poor grasp of how to win things, but Ace sticks by his Sugar (sticks? Sticky? Sugar? Clever) and says he really wants to get rid of Lou Ferigno based on her poor grasp of femininity. Super Mario, meanwhile, is talking to Lou Ferigno back on shore, “Hey, thissa Ace-ah. He-a no good. He a slimier than the five-day old baccala. I trust-a him less than the King-ah Bowser. Capish?” To which Lou Ferigno replied, “HULK NO UNDERSTAND. YOU ASIAN. NOT ITALIAN.” Super Mario retorted, “Its’ah me Mario.”

Whiskey.

Enjoying their picnic, the Kota tribe received a big surprise – letters from home. When Bob read his letter, his voice went up an octave higher. I wish I could convey how he sounded. Well, picture High Pitch Eric in a bowtie and like 236 pounds lighter. It was pretty much like that. “This is Kelly Clarkson.” Also of note, Randy did not get a letter. Why? Because he’s dead inside (Indy 7, Pats 6 – getting better.)

As the tribes met for the immunity challenge, THE UNHOLY DARK LORD revealed a HOLY MY CRUD WHAT? twist. Both tribes are going to tribal council and will have to vote someone out tonight. Who the what? At first, you’re like whoa, that stuff be crazy. But then, you remember that Fang is down to 5 people and 3 of those people are Super Mario and Lou Ferigno and Sugar and then you realize that the producers had to do that or it would have been like David vs. Goliath, which would have been totally unfair. If it were like Davey versus Goliath, well, that would have been ok. Sure, Goliath probably could have chewed Davey to bits, but Davey had God pretty much in his corner, and I am pretty sure that trumps, like, everything. Hey, remember the episode when Davey got trapped in that train car and started hearing voices telling him he was “all alone”? But he wasn’t alone, was he? Nope, God was there. Well, and the hobo who claimed he kept candy deep in his pockets.

Whoa, a Davey and Goliath reference? This is getting out of hand. Where was I?

Oh, right. So, in the immunity challenge they will be playing for individual immunity rather than team immunity. And it was a log-rolling competition. Heh, log. During the competition, Bob revealed he was a log-rolling champion back home. Of course he was. He also revealed that when he takes his shirt off, you can see right through him to the other side. That fool be skinny. Also, he revealed that he loses things. Because he lost. And who won? Marcus. Who? Yep. Him.

And SATAN REVEALED then said that Marcus could pick someone on the other team to get immunity. He chose Sugar. And you know what I just remembered? There was a character on some later episodes of Punky Brewster named Sugar. He was a kid who liked to box and lived at Fenster Hall. So, since he liked to box, he called himself Sugar. There was also a kid who called himself Tyson. He enjoyed forced sexual relations, facial tattoos, and eating children. Man, I’m glad I stuck around til the end for that show. Things got weird. Remember when Punky’s cousin visited and wore that “I brake for Doughnuts” shirt that said “Blimp on Board” on the back. No? Well, HA! And you all called me mad for watching Season 3. Now, who’s mad??

At the Fang camp, Super Mario attempts to convince Sugar to blindside Ace and vote him off because he has been talking smack about her behind her back and….UGH GAFFNEY!!! HOW DO YOU NOT CATCH THAT! Oh, sorry….yeah, so Super Mario was working his magic to convince Sugar to vote off Ace and it seemed to be working probably due to the fact that, just by eating a mushroom, he grows to like five times his regular size. Upon hearing this, Sugar exclaimed, “His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.” She then went on, “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.” Hence, convinced. Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you.

You know, sometimes I go down these paths and even I can’t find my way back.

So, first up at tribal council was Fang. And, of course, they proved once again to be a disorganized mess. Spicoli lashed out at Lou Ferigno. Lou Ferigno hulk’ed back. Ace backed Spicoli. All kinds of yelling and loud noises. And Sugar was all, “…” So, it came down to the vote. And I wasn’t sure how it was gonna go. But, in the end, Ace was voted out which means that Sugar wasn’t too “sweet” to him. Get it? Well, Sugar is her name, but its also the name of a white, sweet substance often used in baking and also as an additive for coffee. It’s a class of edible crystalline substances, mainly sucrose, lactose, and fructose. Human taste buds interpret its flavor as sweet. And sweet can have two meanings…it can mean “nice” or “kind,” but it can also, of course, be taken quite literally whereas sugar is sweet. I know. Hilarious, right?

But wait…there’s more…

Don’t forget, both tribes went to council tonight. Before Kota went, however, there was some scrambling to be done over in their camp as well. Dan was trying desperately to stay on the island, knowing he was on the chopping block. So Charlie says, “Dan is super vulnerable tonight, and the only thing Dan has going for him right now is that he should really cross his fingers and hope that Susie is going to blow up and do some crazy stuff,” he continued, “Oh, I don’t know…like have a conversation with Corrine in which she tells her that she was maybe going to vote her off and thereby make her angry and determined to then vote Suzie off. But, you know, I am just speculating.” OK, so maybe he didn’t say that second part, but it is what happened. When Corinne does have a chat with Suzie, telling her they are voting Dan off and want to keep Suzie on, Suzie goes ahead and tells her she was actually going to vote for Corinne. Which was smart. And by smart, I mean incredibly stupid.

After this, Corinne makes it her mission to get Suzie off. She tells her alliance she hates her and wants to punch her in the face. I don’t know…If I were them, this would make me want to keep Suzie. A little girfightin be alright, right? I mean, that can be pretty hot and…huh? No, I don’t know what Suzie looks like. But she can’t be bad enough to make girlfighting unappeal…Oh my. Yes, get her off the island.

However, they thought better of it, and at tribal council, sent Dan and his shiny tie packing.
Also, Pats lose 18-15. Blah.

Until next week,
Wayne

SURVIVOR EPISODE VI: POOKIE WAS OBVIOUSLY CHRIS ROCK’S FUNNIEST MOVIE ROLE…SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT WAS

2008-10-24T11:04:00.000-04:00

Hullo. I apologize wholeheartedly for not providing you all with a recap last week. I was unavoidably detained getting all my hopes up for nothing at the Sox game. Ah well…I hear the Revolution are doing well. Go soccer! Score a, um, hmmmm…a…score a…ball kick?

Anyways, the show last night opened with, surprise surprise, a down in the dumps Fang tribe. Last week, they lost yet another immunity challenge and had to send GC and his XXXXXXXXXXL T-shirt packing. Losing another challenge has them just feeling down about things. Hey gang! Turn those frowns upside-down. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Come on people now…smile on your brothers…everybody get together and…I can’t keep it up. Honestly, you guys are awful and should feel bad about everything you are and do. ‘cept you Super Mario. I mean, you pulled yourself up from plumber to princess-rescuer to frogsuit-wearer in like no time. Good for you…but seriously, maybe you should think about losing the suspenders and cap and mustache. You are way stereotypical. “OH, MAMMA MIA!!! Thatsa clogga toilet. Somebody beena eatin too mucha da manigot. Now Im’a gonna go joina da mafia and listen to the Frank Sinatra. But Tony, dogs don’t talk!!! Fettucine Alfredo! Aw, shut uppa yo face!!”

Also, Ace is starting to think about who he should bring into his alliance. “I just wonder who will be my Benedict Arnold?” Ace…how can you think about eggs at a time like this!...

…

…

…

Is this thing on??

The next morning, Matty tells us that all he dreams about are his dog, food, and his girlfriend Jaime. Erm, together? Because I totally have the same dream. Does your girlfriend get all freaked out when you get to the part about the dog taking the food and [redacted]?? Seriously, my wife almost called the cops on me when I told her about that one. Marriage, right? Women be crazy, y’all.

So, anyways, yeah…Matty misses his girlfriend and is making her a ring to pass the time. A ring forged in the fires of Mount DOOM!!! Yeah, Frodo, I’m sure that as long as you bring that home, she won’t care about the million dollars at all. Women be liking money, y’all!

Ace and Frodo then decide to enter into an alliance. Ace gets to bring Sugar and Frodo gets to bring Super Mario. At first I was like, “wait, what?? Super Mario?” But then I remembered that if they find a star, they could totally be invincible for like 5 seconds. That would be awesome FOR FIVE SECONDS!! Man, How awful was it in Super Mario 3 when you would get the star card to use in a world? Yeee, look at me…I am invincible…I can do anything….I’m…wait, why is the blinking slowing down…Hold down B…fast…I’m running…I’m… KOOPA TROOPER! DEAD! Good choice, Frodo. At least Sam was a good cuddler.

You guys totally missed this last week, huh?

At Kota, the mood is very different. Everyone is happy and eating. And loving life. Well, except for when they talk about Dan. Because he eats too much. Oh, and Randy is generally unhappy. But except for everyone in the tribe angry about Dan and Randy angry about the onset of old age…they are great.

Back at Fang, Sugar proves that she is not as smart as everyone thinks she is. Did you? No, I didn’t. Oh, ok then…she reaffirmed our suspicions then. She went and gave Ace the not-hidden-anymore immunity idol for “safe keeping.” Why? Are you really asking me that? Her name is Sugar. Now, you understand.

Next up was the reward challenge. In this challenge, each tribe was tethered to a long, heavy snake (that’s what she said?) and they had to run around this course chasing each other with their snake (that’s what she said?) and then if your snake touches the other snake, you win (ugh, is that what she said? That reminds me of another dream…Forget it.) Fang was actually doing good right up until the point they realized they are awful at things and they slowed down. Then, they lost Sugar and Super Mario…then Kelly…then Lou Ferigno. Then it was just up to Frodo and Ace to carry the snake. And they are but two men. So they lost. And Kota won pastries and coffee. Man, I love pastries and coffee.

THE DEVIL, of course not just happy with Fang’s loss, invited Kota to sample the pastries right in front of Fang. His thirst for misery was quenched as poor Fang was left to watch Randy gum down a cinnabon. This caused Lou Ferigno to break down in tears. HULK SAD.

Back at Kota, DID I MENTION DAN ENJOYS EATING?? Well, he does, so the rest of the tribe decides that they need to ration out the pastries. Though Dan tried to talk his way into extra pastry with his lawyerly ways (wow, lawyerly is a real word? Thanks spell check!) Good thing his lawyerly ways are sub-par because he got no extra pastries. Randy, seeing everyone’s frustrations with Dan, egged Dan on to eating more pastry. “Go on, eat it,” he nudged, “all the cool kids are doing it. Pastries make you feel good.” No bite for Dan though. He was already full of TONS OF RICE.

Again, also, Kota sent Sugar back to Exile Island, where she cried about eating fruit while her tribe members were left to not eat fruit. I hadn’t seen her try to bring any back though. So, her tears are hollow to me. YOU HEAR ME! HOLLOW!!

And now, back at the Fang camp, Lou Ferigno starts worrying about her future in the game because she lost it after the reward challenge. “Don’t take my tears as a sign of weakness,” she said. I didn’t. I just took it as a sign that she hasn’t had her “medicine” in a few days. Other signs of this? Her voice is getting deeper again, and her armpits are starting to look like Madonna’s in Desperately Seeking Susan. Remember that? Oh, she’s using the bathroom dryer to dry her pit hair. That’s hilarious. I get it. She’s dirty. Hahahahaha. Now, I totally get her sex symbol status. How crazy is it that Madonna has actually gone downhill since then.

Kelly is leading the charge against Lou Ferigno at Fang, “Her, like, tears are, like, a sign of like weakness, you know? I mean, its like you know like total like you know like I mean its all totally like, you know?” Kelly is to a grasp of the English language as Sarah Palin is to political experience. OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!!!!! POLITICAL HUMOR!!! JON STEWART!!!

At the Kota camp, the tribe members decide that nothing goes better with pastries than a little amphibian. Bob and Marcus haul in a turtle from the water. Despite the turtle’s deft strokes with his sai blade and his constant exclamations of “KOWABUNGA!!” and “RADICAL!!” Bob and Marcus overtook them. It was at this point in the show that the evil Shredder took his own life. His suicide note read, “Damn. I mean, I had countless members of the Foot Clan working for me along with both BeBop and Rocksteady. How in the heck could Bob and f’ing Marcus have succeeded where I failed? Oh, wait a second, that wasn’t a Ninja Tur…(snap)” Yeah, I know. Weird. He actually wrote “(snap)” in the note. Say what you will about Shredder, but at least he followed through with things. Unlike that jerkface Leatherhead. He still owes me fifty bucks.

Should I even bother to explain the immunity challenge? We all know who lost, no? Oh well, it was this challenge where teams of two from each tribe would have to alternate going out through an increasingly difficult set of obstacles to retrieve pieces of a flagpole and then assemble the flagpole once all the pieces were in place. Fang actually had a chance as Frodo and Super Mario made up a lot of time. However, their inability to work as a team killed them when they went to make the actual pole. If Sesame Street as taught me one thing, its that cooperation is the way to get things done. If its taught me two things, its that aqua means water in Spanish. And if its taught me three things, its that Cookie Monster seriously needs to check himself into a clinic soon. That guy is a straight-up junkie. The only difference between Cookie and Pookie? Cookie ain’t ever turnin’ rat. He’s stayin’ straight up New Jack hustla.

Anyways, Fang ended up losing…and was faced with yet another tribal council. Back at camp, it seems most are leaning towards voting out Kelly. Though Lou Ferigno wants Ace gone, everyone else is talking Kelly. Also, Super Mario convinced Sugar that she was stupid for giving Ace her idol and she takes it back. Super Mario, you alright.

Now, tribal council was a heated affair, unlike my house since I refuse to turn on the oil until January. Hey kids, either throw on a sweater or get a job. Am I right? OIL BE EXPENSIVE, Y’ALL!!! But yeah, Kelly called out Lou Ferigno for being “like all like crying” and then threw Ace under the bus saying he was saying the same thing, to which he responded “no I wasn’t” and that really confused poor Kelly and her head exploded. Due to having no head, she was voted off and for that, we say goodbye to Karen and Heather Orlowski. Sorry ladies, but I hope you, like, still, like, have a, like good time reading the newsletters.

Until next time,Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE IV: ACE=TED MCGINLEY=STAN GABLE. SURE, WHY NOT?

2008-10-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

Last night was all kinds of in-yo-face crazy on Survivor. Burnett threw in a huge WHAT THE WHAT??? And THE DEVIL was especially condescending. Also, Ken really wants to get laid. Like, wicked bad. But…I am getting ahead of myself. Come back here, self, and let’s DO THIS THING!!!!!!!!!11111// O HAI!!

The show began with Kota coming back from their first tribal council all bummed out. Ace said this was the worst thing he has done in recent history. Even worse than getting his wisdom teeth out. Oh Ace, you’re such a card!!! A card….Hahahahahaha!

Whoa. I’m….I’m really sorry about that.

At Fang, the next morning, even though they won the last immunity challenge, everyone still seems pretty crap-tastic. I assume that’s because Randy is there. He’s all, “hey, we can only eat once a day. Our rice is getting low. I am old and grumpy. When I was a boy, we didn’t have things like hair dryers. If you wanted to blow dry your hair you stood outside during a hurricane. Your hair was dry but you had a sharp piece of wood driven clear through your skull and that's the way it was and you liked it! You loved it.” But, yeah, he doesn’t want them all eating as much rice because this game is called “Survivor” not “Ultimate Rice Eater.”

Then, Randy, Matty, Dan, and Susie walk off into the woods, leaving GC, Super Mario, and Lou Ferigno to theorize that those four are in an alliance. Really? You think so? You don’t think Matty and Susie just have a lot in common:

Matty: hey Susie, you ever go out and catch like a monster wave…and your board hits it in such a way that you feel like you’re totally flying. Hang ten!
Susie: You know what’s really fun? Eating a whole bucket of Original Recipe.
Matty: I hear ya. I was once so buried by a wave, I thought I was going to die. My whole life flashed before my eyes and it really made me appreciate what I had. Surf’s up!
Susie: I once ate a whole box of Suzie Qs and drank a whole 2-liter of Pepsi. And I was still hungry!!!
Matty: Aw buddy, I love being friends with you. Kowabunga!!!
Susie: And I love cream-filled treats.
Matty: Oh, Suze!
Susie: It’s Susie! NOT SUZE!!! SUSIE!!!CHOCO-DILES!!!!111
Matty: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine
Suzie: (eats Matty)

Yes…I did all that just so I could turn Matty into Spicoli. What? They both surfed. Aloha.

Turns out those three were right. Those four were forming an alliance. Golly!! Also, Randy called GC a “cancer” again. To which cancer responded, “Man, I need to improve my PR. I mean GC? Really?? That’s just a really unfair comparison.” This formed alliance leads Spicoli to say, “I really truly feel that this alliance that we have created is gonna be solid for a while. I think that it is gonna carry me pretty far."…

UNTIL….BURNETT SUCKER PUNCH!!! WHAT’S UP NOW!!! REALITY TV!!!!!!!111PWNED!!!

Both teams arrived at the next challenge and BEELZEBUB explained that the challenge would force each team member to rank the other members of their tribe in order of importance. Wow, that’s really awful, even for THE CROWNED PRINCE OF DARKNESS. Each member would go off in private and rank the other members of their tribe in private. Then each member would have to stand on numbered pedestals according to their rank. When I was little, I used to put my friends through the same type of ordeal. And by “friends,” I mean Care Bears. I remember the day I demoted Funshine to number 2 and moved Tenderheart up to number 1. That’s the last time any of them called me fat. Funshine, however, took solace in the fact that in no way she would ever be ranked lower than Cozy Heart Penguin. Those Care Bear Cousins were teh awful.

Just so you know, the rankings on Kota went: (1) Marcus, (2) Ace, (3) Bob, (4) Charlie, (5) Jacquie, (6) Corinne, (7) Sugar, and (8) Kelly and the rankings on Fang were: (1) Spicoli, (2) Dan, (3) Randy, (4) Lou Ferigno, (5) Super Mario, (6) GC, and (7) Susie. Lou Ferigno couldn’t believe she was third because she worked her butt off. Then she exclaimed, “You mean I tucked this thing in for nothing?” Also, Ace called Kelly a “whiny little cow.” He is totally going from geek to chic for me. And being picked behind Super Mario, GC proclaimed, “its not looking too good for a pimp out here.” I don’t know what that means, but if I did, I would totally make fun of it.

OK, so then ROSEMARY’S BABY said they would be switching tribes up. I was all, “WOW!!! OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO BORING!” So, yeah, they had to start with the first picked and switch off, picking from opposite tribes. The new Fang is Matty, Ace, Lou Ferigno, Jacquie, Super Mario and Kelly. Why did Super Mario pick Kelly? It seemed like a good strategy to me since being last picked, she may be easier to sway. However, Super Mario said it was because she was hot. Is Super Mario the horniest Survivor player ever? Well, think about it. All jocks think about is sports. All nerds ever think about is s*x. To which Ace replied, “Let’s get those nerds!” Full circle, my friends.

Also, THE GOAT-LEGGED ONE, seeing that GC wasn’t suffering enough at being picked last from his tribe, pointed out that “nobody chose him.” This is the official start of THE PROBST’s barrage of insults from last night…seriously, he slung so much crud at the members, he made even me uncomfortable. And I’m the guy who has been accusing a woman on the show of hiding male genitalia.

Also, you’ll notice that Sugar was absent from my description of the new tribes. Being the absolute last person picked had her sent to BOOGEDY ISLAND. She will join the tribe that has to send someone home at tribal council. Since she already had the hidden idol, her time on SHRIEK-INDUCING ISLAND was relatively boring. She chose comfort and ate an apple in a hammock. She did, however, have her out-of-place laughter on full display. While eating her apple she said, “Oh my God, this is delicious…ha! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGIGGGLEGUFFAWLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH!” Yeah, that was frikkin’ hilarious Sugar.

Back at his new camp, Randy says that if he gets voted off, he will burn the camp down. Seriously, he really said that. Then asked if anyone has seen his stapler. MOVIE REFERENCES=LOL!!!! STORAGE AREA B!!! JENNIFER ANISTON WAS ALSO IN THIS MOVIE!

At the new Fang camp, the old Fang members are noticing that poor little Kelly has been feeling like an outsider and decide maybe they can use this to their advantage and bring her over to their side. Kelly is into this…and says she is with them til the end. Kelly says that Jacquie is just “so fake” and that being a salesperson she can tell if people are fake. Then she does her best impression of Jacquie, “like cool. Awesome. What’s up?” The only problem? She sounds exactly the same! Its like Paris Hilton doing an impression of Nicole Ritchie. And Kelly, I don’t know…she seems…like not all there to me. Her eyes are just so…vacant. It’s really quite hot.

Next up was the immunity challenge. Each tribe member has to sit in these little rafts that looked a lot like the one that Snoopy and Woodstock rode in “Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown” and use their paddles like lacrosse sticks to move a ball to the opposite team’s goal. First team to 3 points wins. While Spicoli, Marcus, Ace, Jacquie, and – surprisingly – Randy were doing well, all the others were struggling. And THE EVIL ONE relished in pointing this out. “Kelly doing nothing,” “Lou Ferigno being completely useless here,” “Super Mario Super Sucking,” he would exclaim. At the end, he ended with, “Fang, without question, one of the worst performances I have ever seen at a challenge.” I half-expected him to follow it up with “.Everyone in this game is now dumber for having watched you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Um, a simple “wrong” would have done just fine.

Back at Fang, Ace said the immunity challenge made him feel like his tribe were “legless chickens racing against a very sleek, um…woozle, weetsel?” I don’t really know what he just said there, but I do know that he just went from totally chic to totally geek.

Also, as everyone in Fang was recounting their horrible performance, Kelly comes out with “should-a, could-a, would-a, over it” which really made the rest of her tribe be all, “no she didn’t.” She is seriously awful at every aspect of this show. That is all.

So, yeah, the original fang members are starting to re-think their strategy of voting out Jacquie or Ace and maybe going with Kelly. That is, of course, until they start thinking about hidden immunity idols and the unknown of Sugar. Then, they start thinking about maybe voting Jacquie off. This is even further strengthened by Jacquie going to Lou Ferigno and almost crying to stay on. She tells Lou Ferigno mid-hug, that she would love to be in her alliance. At that point, Jacquie said to Lou Ferigno, “your gun is digging into my hip,” which sent Lou Ferigno running off, shamed, with her hands covering her crotch, which was weird. And oddly titillating.

Oh my god. What are they going to do? The suspense is killing me. Tell me. Tell me now. I can’t stand it any longer….AHHHHHH!

Jesus, relax. I am going to tell you.

At tribal council, EVIL INCARNATE continued his digs with, “Welcome to another tribal council, starring the Fang Tribe.” One of these days, someone is going to kill him.

At tribal, Kelly says that there were other members of her tribe that were weaker than her, like Super Mario and Lou Ferigno. Lou Ferigno, of course, took issue with this and said “I am not weaker than her.” Then she invited Kelly to the gun show. After a rebuttal of “confused look,” Lou Ferigno flexed her bicep right in Kelly’s face. As Kelly looked on in amazement, Lou Ferigno shot her in the face. With a gun. Then Super Mario was all, “Forward, forward A” and jump-kicked her to the face. At least I think that’s what happened. Sorry, I checked out of this show like 5 minutes into the first episode.

Anyways, in the end, Fang voted out Jacquie because their tribe was not already weak enough…

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE III: WILFORD BRIMLEY WAS ALSO IN EWOKS: BATTLE FOR ENDOR…NOW YOU KNOW

2008-10-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

Last night’s episode began with Fang coming back from Tribal Council pretty happy about getting rid of grandma. Susie continued her trend of being useless by saying something useless. “We must win our next immunity challenge.” Thanks Coach. She also stated that they must not lose in order to win and that winning is the key to winning. Susie is the exact opposite of good. Randy, meanwhile, did not share in his tribe’s enthusiasm. In talking about his tribe, Randy said, “The problem is that they're stupid. I really shouldn't blame them for being complete idiots, but they are. They don't know it, but they are." Randy’s the smartest person in Fang. But that’s like being called the world’s tallest midget. Or the youngest person in Florida. Or McDonald’s employee of the month. That’s right – they’re all high honors.

The next morning, Randy sees GC cooking rice and complains about the fact that they have only been there seven days, but have already gone through half their rice. GC = Greedy Cook? So Randy tries to convince the tribe to eat only two meals a day. Most of the tribe agrees, except for GC, who has an enormous T-shirt to fill and thus needs all the carbs he can get. GC = Grains Consumer?? Randy then says that GC is the cancer of the tribe and he needs to be excised. Wow. Imagine being called a cancer. I mean, Cancer is a water sign. A WATER SIGN!!! GC = Good Communicator?? Get it? Because Cancers are supposed to be good communicators. What? I heard astrological humor was making a comeback, no? Taurus? More like Bore-us, right? RIGHT?? Hey, take my Virgo. Please.

Back at Kota, Charlie, Marcus, Jacquie, and Corinne all go on a little fishing trip to discuss the other couplings going on outside their alliance – with Ace and Sugar’s cleavage sticking together, and Kelly and Paloma doing the same. Which left Bob open as a possible swing vote. Also, Sugar is a two-face. Seriously, I find myself during the show thinking, “hey, she’s kind of cute.” Then she talks to the camera and I’m all, “Mama Pajamas!” Oh, and Paloma doesn’t like Ace. But, seriously, who would? “Oi, I’m Ace. I like to have an accent and be bald…lalalala look at me.” What a bastard.

Then came the reward challenge. One person had to hold onto a pole while two members of the opposite tribe had to try and pull them off the pole and drag them across a line, which equals a point. It reminded me of the time I didn’t want to go to bed so bad, I held on to the leg of a table. It took like five people to pull me off and drag me to my room. I cried the whole way. I know it was for the best because otherwise I would have been really cranky today, but there was a really good episode of Family Guy on. See what I did there? I’m talking about lastnight, which is crazy because I am an adult. But being dragged into bed is something you would more associate with a kid. Which I wasn’t. Because I am saying it happened last night. Therefore, it is funny.

In the first round, Marcus and Charlie pulled Dan over the finish line before GC and Matty can do the same with Ace. This was mainly due to the fact that GC stopped trying to pull Ace off in the middle of the round. SATAN was very unhappy about this, noting that GC needed to “dig deep.” GC = God-Awful at Competing. Then, Kota stuck Paloma on the pole, while Fang went with Susie. Paloma, being small and cute, did not fare well against Randy and Crystal. So, it was tied…and it came down to a final Round 3. Again, Fang went with Crystal as an attacker because, well, Finkel is Einhorn. She was joined by Matty in trying to pull Ace free, while Bob and Marcus go after Dan. Crystal and Matty ended up getting Ace across first and they won…blankets. They also got to send someone to OMG COVER YOUR EYES ISLAND!!11 Super Mario was like, “we will send someone sweet, so we’ll go with Sugar.” He’s super smooth. He also recited a short poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I hit D,F+LP
Sub-Zero will freeze you

Super Mario…wins.

Back at Kota, Ace says that they strategically withdrew from the challenge and that’s why they put Paloma on the pole. And now he has basically set her up to be targeted as a weak member of the tribe. That just seems mean. I bet Captain Stubing would be like, “Ace, I’m totally with you on the baldness and smug attitude, but that just seemed a bit over the top.” Then Isaac would be like, “I love the ladies.” Then Vicki would say, “I ruined this show.” Then Charro would be like, “Coochie Coochie.” The end.

Also, Charlie said he thinks Crystal is a post-op. That’s such an insult to post-op transsexuals everywhere. She’s so obviously pre-op.

Over on AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! ISLAND, meanwhile, Sugar proves she’s more than just a bad belly tattoo. She chooses the clue over the comfort and follows a series of clues until she finds – TA-DA! – the hidden immunity idol. Good for you, Two-Face. She also said she couldn’t believe she found it when the lawyer (Dan) didn’t. If you remember, Dan found the “on the other side of the lake” part of the instructions confusing last episode and spent most of his time trying to look underwater. Conjunction Junction, what’s your function? No, seriously conjunction junction, please tell Dan. He seems to be having trouble with that one.

Poor clueless Bob is meanwhile being used by all sides of Kota. Ace is telling him to side with him and Sugar. Corinne is telling him to side with her alliance. But, to the camera, Corinne lets us know there is no way she is taking Bob to the end…she just wants to exploit her trust. Has anyone noticed how Bob has adorably fashioned his buff into a bowtie? How could you screw over anyone as old-timey as Bob. That’s be like screwing over the Bartles and Jaymes dudes…or Wilford Brimley. Yes, Wilford, I will get my blood sugar checked regularly…just please tell me again about how you used to hang out at the ice cream parlor and play stickball. I bet Bob calls kids whipper-snappers.

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it, tribe members had to slide down a huge Slip N’ Slide thing, retrieve these number pieces from the water and bring em back for one member to solve this math puzzle to open the chest to get the ax to cut the flag to win the challenge to catch the goat, she swalloed the goat to catch the dog, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird, she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, that wriggled and jiggled and giggled inside her, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die. Seriously, that’s one messed-up kids song. I’ll never sing it to my kids…because I think it will make them fat.

I’ll just skip to the end. Both puzzle people – Bob and Super Mario – had all the numbers to solve the puzzle. They were picked because one is a physics teacher and the other plays video games. Playing video games definitely makes you good at math – for instance, here is a math problem that I am sure faces a number of “gamers”:

Little Kenny plays 8 hours of Contra every day throughout his 4 years of high school. Additionally, 75% of his body is covered in acne and 9 of his fingers are always covered in orange Chee-toh dust. If he talks to ten girls, what percentage of those girls will call him a “loser”?

Answer: who cares? I just pressed up,up,down,down,left,right, left,right,b,a,b,a,start.and got 30 lives.

However, Super Mario’s gaming expertise overcame Bob’s oldness and Fang won immunity for the first time.

At Kota, Two-Face tells only Ace that she has the hidden immunity idol. Ace is excited and sets his mind on making it to the end. Who’s not excited? Commissioner Gordon, who feels that Harvey Dent now has much too much power and the city of Gotham will regret this.

Also, Corinne makes it clear that she thinks Ace’s accent is fake. If this were true, I think maybe I would start to like Ace. “Oi, I’m Ace and Oi, I like fish and chips and let’s see what’s on the telly….” Actually, nope…nothing could make me like Ace. You hear that Ace? NOTHING!!!111 C’mon…don’t look at me like that. You make it so hard to hate you. You make me hate hating you. No, I have to stay strong on this…I can’t turn back now. I hate you and that’s that.

At tribal council, Two-face again said she does not have the idol and then cried about her Dad dying. That was all good and everything, but I think the more interesting piece was Kelly emerging as amazingly dumb. When asked what was good about Ace, she said it was that he was condescending. When LUCIFER HIMSELF asked why that was a good thing, she said that “some people want to make rice and some people want to make water. Look, if people want to boil water, just let them.” It may not have been exactly that, but it was pretty close. Kelly makes Dan look like Jim Sokolove.

Although it looked like maybe Two-Face would be going home, Paloma was voted out in the end. Her end speech was pretty funny too…in that she said if Ace wins, she will “never watch Survivor again.” I wish I could say the same, but my readers need me. Right? RIGHT?

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[crickets]

Screw you guys. I’m goin home.

Until next time
Wayne