SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE VI: THE BERENSTAIN BEARS AND THE, AHEM, PLEASANT SURPRISE

So, this episode was billed as one of the “craziest most insane out of your mind psycho killer Norman Bates MY PRODUCER SLAM SHARP LIKE BAM JUMP ON STAGE AND THEN I DAH-DAHHHMMMM” ahem episode in the history of shows about people living on islands. Well, besides that episode of Gilligan’s Island when that ape got loose and tried to make the sex with Mrs. Howell. Oh, and that episode of Lost where things that were unexplainable happened and the story really didn’t move forward but instead the writers just threw a bunch of stuff that didn’t make sense at people to mask the fact that they really weren’t sure of the direction they wanted to take the show because audiences tire of sci-fi shows that don’t have space captains having sex with aliens pretty quickly.

I HAZ MAK NO SENS,

The episode started with everyone in Foa Foa really unhappy about the rain. Well, everyone except Mr. Spacely. He says that this is the game he came to play – he didn’t come here for a vacation, he came to be tested. He claims this “makes him stronger.” And here I thought he got his power from a diet of misery, deep-fried and dipped in Ranch dressing. Goes to show you you can’t believe everything you make up when Comcast cancels your Internet subscription because you spent all your money on Girls Gone Wild DVDs.

Over at Galu, Russell was dealing with the rain by sitting out in it and fishing and looking off into the sea contemplatively. Which is kind of like what I do to handle adversity. Except replace “sitting out in the rain” with “huddled in the closet” and replace “fishing” with “sobbing uncontrollably” and replace “looking off into the sea contemplatively” with “chugging Boone’s Farm and sucking down raw cookie dough like it was a stick of Tamiflu and I had just spent a week in Mexico getting a first-hand look at the Ham-making process.”

And everyone is noticing that Russell is pushing himself too hard. They think he is endangering his health because of his drive. Which is a lot different than what people probably tell Nick Hogan – that he is endangering other’s health because of his driving. What? Did I just go there? Hey, have you heard the latest joke about current events in the news these days? Michael Jackson??

Back at Foa Foa, Mick is dealing with the inclement weather a little differently. To stay as dry as possible, Mick has curled himself up into a little ball and ducked into a hole in a nearby tree. Which reminded me of the Berenstain Bears. And, I don’t know, those bears raise a lot of questions. So, you got Mama Bear and Papa Bear. Are those, like, their actual names? Did their parents name them “Mama” and “Papa”? What if Papa wanted to remain a lifelong bachelor and Mama wanted to pursue her career instead of wearing a shower cap and raising children? Their parents sort of left them no choice….unless they were being ironic. And then there is Sister and Brother. Which I guess is ok…until, of course, they had a 3rd kid. They must have really been stressing about that one. So, they ended up naming her Honey. Brother, Sister, and Honey? This poor kid. How can she go through life not thinking she was an accident?

Maybe they named her Honey because they were planning on eating her.

But the rain has to stop at some point, right? And it does. And over at Galu, everyone is psyched about the rainbow the rain has left behind. I don’t know why. Because behind every rainbow lies a miserly, murderous Leprechaun and those guys are just no good. Like this one time, I was eating Lucky Charms and about to bite into a red balloon and who should show up, but Lucky. And he’s pissed, right. Because according to him, ‘Red Balloons have never been considered lucky, FAITH AND BEGORRAH!” And I am all, “whatever dude, I am eating this thing.’ And he’s all, “ERIN GO BRAGH!!” And then he jumps on my back and starts beating me mercilessly with a SHILLELAGH!” Then I stepped back for a minute. And I realized that I should probably stop replacing the milk in my cereal with Everclear. And stop replacing the cereal in my cereal with LSD.

The lovers. The dreamers. And meeeeeeeeeeee!

Then comes the Reward challenge. And MEPHISTOPHELES explains that in it, one person from each tribe will be put into a sphere and rolled around like Richard Pryor in The Toy by two blindfolded tribe members. The sphere will be rolled over to a Labyrinth table where the person in the sphere will have to direct the blindfolded ones to maneuver a ball to a finish line. First tribe to do so wins. Then THE DEVIL drops this bomb – both tribes are going to council tonight and voting someone off. However, the winning tribe gets to sit in on the other tribe’s council and eat pizza in front of them. Hey, anyone order a large with pepperoni and HOLY FRAK WHAT IN THE WORLD YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND??

So, the challenge starts…for Foa Foa, its Liz in the sphere with Spacely and JaiSON pushing and for Galu, its Laura in the sphere with Russell and Erik pushing. And right away, it does seem like Russell is struggling. He’s winded. He’s staggering. He’s all ‘this test counts for 80 percent of our grade you know” and “But I like taking the stairs, cuz they’re FUN!”

Oh, Fatty McGee. You’re the fattest!

Then each tribe makes it to their table. And Russell basically collapses. He falls to his knees and his head rests on his table. And everyone is yelling at him to wake up. We are even treated to shots of LUCIFER pretending to care. And, finally, he calls the challenge and sends in the medical team. And the scene was pretty scary. It went something like this:

Medical Person: Oy, Put another shrimp on the bahbie mate. This one’s as out of it as a dingo who just ate a baby. Mate.

Russell: (eyes closed, no response)

Medical Person: Kangaroos and Koalas!!! I’m as scared a walkabout wallaby.

Russell: (eyes open, still no response. Looks like Cameron Frye when he was pretending to be catatonic so he could watch Sloan get changed by the pool)

Medical Person: That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

Russell: ……..

Medical Person: Foster’s. Australian for Medical Care.

They were from Australia is what I am telling you now.

And it was pretty scary, as I said. Even scarier than that episode of Webster where Webster found that secret room behind the clock in the house that George and Ma’am were looking at and then he went into it and found that rocking chair with the mannequin he thought was the previous owner’s dead daughter’s ghost. What the crud? That show was messed up. Remember the one about the teacher who was a child molester. And remember the fact that Webster didn’t even know his parents were dead until like the middle of the first season. Is that show on DVD?

So, the challenge is called, nobody wins reward, and everyone is sent back to their camps. Except of course Russell because he sucks at remaining conscious.

And I really felt bad for Russell. I mean, he tried hard and it looked like he was going home. He seemed pretty broken up about it and was saying how his family always expects him to be the “strong one” and that he was letting them down. It was heartbreaking. Then he cried. So I called him a wuss and sent letters to his house reminding him to wear his prettiest frilly dress on Saturday for his tea party with his Miss Squeeze-A-Lot Doll and Mr. Fuzzycakes the Bear.

Back at the Foa Foa camp, the whole tribe is feeling like they are cursed because, just when they are about to actually win a challenge, the challenge is called on account of an injury. But that’s, of course, not the only reason they think they’re cursed. Also, Greg had a pretty bad wipeout while he was surfing. And Alice hurt her back taking a hula lesson. Oh, and Bobby sat on a ukulele. And then that spider crawled out of Jan’s bag. Then, Vincent Price.

At Galu, people are scrambling. Richard Simmons and Monica both think the vote could be coming down to them tonight. Richard Simmons doesn’t really understand this because Monica is so bad at everything. And Monica doesn’t understand because she looks better in a bikini than Richard Simmons. And the guys on the tribe seem to be leaning towards voting Monica out. And Richard Simmons approaches them about it. And she, being Richard Simmons, is all loud about it while the guys are telling her to keep it cool. So, she says ok…and she tries to bump fists with Erik to “lock it up.” Erik informs her that bumping fists locks nothing up. Seriously? I better look back over my mortgage now.

So, both tribes meet at Tribal Council. And THE DEVIL INCARNATE informs everyone that dealing with Russell was the scariest moment he has ever encountered on the show. Even scarier than the time Webster crawled into…huh? A few paragraphs ago. No way…you guys are ly…well, shut my mouth. I must have blacked out. Sorry about that. That’s the last time I replace the milk in my cer…hm? I quit.

Then PRINCE OF DARKNESS tells everyone that no one will be going home tonight because Russell will not be returning to camp. And Foa Foa tells Galu that they will now start beating them in challenges. Galu, of course, was not really intimidated by this since Foa Foa is bad at anything that requires skill. Or luck. Or winning.

Until next time,Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE V: SEA SLUG GUTS, PUNKY BREWSTER, AND LOTS OF PAINFUL MEMORIES…JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Hey everybody. Welcome to yet another late installment of the Survivor: Samoa newsletter. I once again apologize for the delayed delivery of this all-important “news” but its been a hectic couple of weeks. For example, last Friday I had to watch House of 1000 Corpses AND eat leftover pizza. I made it through, but sometimes some things have to go by the wayside. Like this newsletter. And my hygiene.

Anywhich, this week’s episode begain with Galu coming back from tribal council and Richard Simmons feeling like she was on the outside because she was the only one who wrote Monica’s name down while everyone else voted out CHOMP-CHOMP. Yep, Pac-Man’s dog. Meh, why not? So yeah, she already hated her tribe but now she feels like she is a total outcast. Which, of course, is nothing new for Richard Simmons. I don’t think you run around with an afro and striped short shorts sweating to oldies to quote-unquote fit in. Nope. You do what I do. You drink a whole ton and then try to recite Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” routine with your pants around your ankles. I was the life of the party that night. I mean, sure, everyone acted like they didn’t dig my vibe, but its not like they can just come right out and say they are having a great time at a hearing to determine custody. Oh. Don’t worry. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t even know those people. I think the Dad’s name was Ted. He seemed like a great guy once you got past the schizophrenia. I hope he and his kids…and the out-of-work magician living inside his brain…are getting along swimmingly.

Oh, and she is totally right. Monica, for example, is not happy about Richard Simmons writing her name down. Her plan is to vote off Richard Simmons next. So, yeah, she is an outsider. To confirm this, Ponyboy and Dallas showed up and told her that they were planning on “doing it for Johnny” and then sneaking into the drive-in to flirt with “Cherry” Valance before having a turf war with a bunch of square Socs. See…the Outsiders are the heroes because they don’t conform and they commit crime. The Socs are the villains because they have money and get good grades. The bastards.

The next morning, at Foa Foa, Mick arrives with treemail that seems to indicate a “gross food challenge” that involves food from the sea. And then, some idiot is like, “maybe its shrimp.” Yeah, and maybe these people will prove to be valuable members of society. Frakkin moron.

Ashley thinks that since she is an experimental eater, she probably has an advantage. Hey Ashley, I think this is gonna be a lot different than the time you and your friends got drunk and ordered the fried pickles at the Ground Round. “Ooooooh….fried pickles y’all. Those sound crazy. No way am I gonna eat those. Huh? You’re a chicken bitch! Fine whatevs. I’ll eat them.” 5 seconds later. “Dang these are good. I love my friends. I just changed my Facebook status to ‘eating fried pickles.’ I bet Jeremy is gonna read that and be all ‘what?’ Hahahahaha. Its so great how we are all so funny. But only to each other.”

Sometimes I just honestly mash the keyboard with my palm and hope for the best.

Liz disagreed with Ashley, spreading the word that she was going to be bad at this challenge. Even more premature than when Henry told Punky he could get her Cubs tickets because he was good friends with Ernie Banks. Turned out he just took pictures at Ernie’s 2nd cousin’s wedding in 1962 and Ernie asked Henry where the dip was. Oh Henry…you old idiot. Actually, though, he still somehow got through to Ernie just by calling Wrigley Field and asking for him. Remember when anything was possible in the 80’s? Remember the McRib?

How about that? 5 episodes in and this is only my first reference to Punky Brewster. And I didn’t even beat a dead horse. Just one simple, beautiful paragraph. I mean, I could have totally gone into how the ticket scalper, Lenny the Loop, was played by the guy who played Mauser in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and then talked about the scene where they replaced his shampoo with glue and MAUSER WOWSER!!!111

Damn. I blew it.

Mr. Spacely is also not happy about the scrambling Liz is doing before the challenge to get everyone against Ashley because, and I quote, “As soon as I see somebody playing that mind game on some other people, they’re a huge threat because that’s what this game is all about is mind games. And I’ve got to be the only mind game player here.” Word on that. Like, in my house, I want to be the only mind game player. So last week, my son and I were playing Chutes and Ladders and I landed on that wicked long chute at the top of the board that sent me way back in the game. I wasn’t gonna stand for that, so I lit the board on fire and sent him to bed with no supper. I know some of you may think that’s a little harsh. But if I don’t expose him to this now, he is just gonna grow up with a sense of entitlement. I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t set the Chutes and Ladders board on fire.

Next up – GROSS FOOD IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!!!111LOLZZZ

I really do love these challenges. In this one, EVIL ON TWO LEGS has a roulette type thing in front of him. One member from each tribe throws a ball in and wherever they land, those are the ingredients LUCIFER will use as smoothie ingredients in his blender of death. Each time someone downs the drink, they score a point for their tribe. First tribe to five points wins meat – steaks and sausages and what not. Because there is nothing I would want more after slurping down sea slug guts than a nice juicy steak. Served on a dirty ashtray.

Up first – Richard Simmons and JaiSON. The balls land on “Giant Clams” and “Jeff’s Choice.” Of course, being BEELZEBUB, he chooses to add some octopus tentacles and sea snails. Mr. Spacely and OTHER RUSSELL down some milk jellyfish. Not to be confused with milk steak. Some of you got that joke. And for that, I commend you. Mick and Brett drink some giant clams and sea cucumbers. You know its something when sea cucumbers actually sound like the most appetizing thing on the menu. Monica and Liz down some sea noodles and urchin. Then comes Ashley and Dave. They get…sea slug guts mixed with water. And both of them have trouble with this one – though Dave finishes and then taunts Ashley by telling her about the time he “mixed up all this fake puke at home. And then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony. And then. And then, I made a noise like this – HURRRLLLLLL! HURRRLLLLL!!! And then I dumped it over the side. All over all the people in the audience. Then. Th-th-this was horrible. All the people started getting’ sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.”

Heh…ok he didn’t do that. But his sister did.

Anyways, Ashley ends up not being able to make it and goes to the bush to vomit. Just like Liz predicted. She must know Dionne Warwick.

So, that meant that Galu won the challenge and got to take home the meat. Now, they also got to send someone over to Foa Foa and this person could not partake in the sausage festival they were going to be enjoying. Russell chooses Richard Simmons to go over there and RS is none too happy about it, since she went over after the last challenge. But really, Russell had a pretty good reason for doing it. I mean, he had to pick someone and she did let the chicken get away last week. So, I thought this was a fitting punishment. Although I also thought my punishment for spilling paint in the garage when I was a little kid was fair too. You see that? About the size of a cigar. DO I STUTTER!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to fix a turkey pot pie.

NO DAD WHAT ABOUT YOU YELLLLZZZZ!!!!!

When Richard Simmons arrives at Foa Foa, everyone comes together for a big group hug. And it was touching much in the way the end of Mac and Me was touching when all the aliens became American citizens, which is to say it was not touching at all but rather creepy and awkward.

Ashley, feeling bad about her performance at the reward challenge, confides in Natalie and says she is like a sister to her. Which prompted me to yell at the TV, “Then kiss her already.” And my wife says, “Why would they kiss if they were siblings?” And then I say, “Well, Luke and Leia kissed.” And then my wife says, “Well, yeah, but that was before they knew they were brother and sister.” And then I say, “they kissed after that.” And then she says, “No they didn’t.” And then I say, “Well, they did in my fan-fiction story…Look.” And then she didn’t say much after that. It looked like she was trying to call someone though. I could only make out the first numbers – “9” and “1” – then the phone was disconnected. By me.

The end.

Over at Galu, people seem super happy about meat…which reminds me of a story I can’t tell here.

But, this being Survivor, happiness is always fading. And Russell and Dave start fighting over the fire. Dave thinks Russell is doing a bad job starting the fire, so he starts openly berating him and acting all pissy. Then Russell is all like, “I’m not in the mood for suggestions. I’m in the mood for help.” Russell wants action. Tonight. Satisfaction all night. Then he grabbed his hat. And he grabbed his shoes. Tonight he’s gonna hit the streets and cruise.

Hm?

Over at Foa Foa, tensions are also flaring up as Liz accuses Mr. Spacely of having the hidden immunity idol even though everyone else thinks Cletus took it with him when he was voted off. “I’m telling you. You’re lying to me,” Liz says. And Spacely tells her that she is now, in fact, walking on thin ice now. And of course, we all know he is lying to her. Which makes me think Liz is in fact a total psychic. Like Miss Cleo. Or the Cosmic Muffin.

Then, the rains came. And it rained. And it rained. And it didn't quit for four months. They been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.

I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.

Then came the immunity challenge. And in it, one man and one woman from each tribe have to hold a rope connected to a basket. And the other members of the tribes had to throw coconuts into the baskets to make them heavier. And the tribe with the last person standing wins immunity. The highlights? Miss Cleo made a valiant effort while Ashley proved to be as good at basketball as a pre-wolf Michael J. Fox.

And thus, of course, Foa Foa loses.

And then came an interesting scene. Typically, before a tribal council, the tribe heading there is scrambling, with everyone trying to plan and stragerize. But, because of the rain, Foa Foa was forced to huddle together and talk openly. I, of course, expected this to bring them closer together, much like when Mallory and Skippy were locked in the basement together and they learned to appreciate one another more on Family Ties. Or when Archie and Mike were locked together in the storeroom of Archie’s bar and learned to appreciate one another more on All in the Family. Or when Joey and Drue were locked in the storage closet together and learned to appreciate each other more on Dawson’s Creek.

Anyways, TV lies. And instead, everyone seemed pretty annoyed with the situation and decided to go in with no strategies in hand, just voting for whoever they thought they should vote for. And this isn’t the first time TV has led me astray. For example, I looked through the wallets of every FedEx guy that came to my doorstep and not one of them had a wife as hot as Leah Remini. The funny part? After I brought all of their bodies down to the basement to put them in the furnace, I mistakenly locked the door behind us. We ended up spending a few hours together and I really learned to appreciate them more. Then, of course, I had to do what I had to do so there were no witnesses. But it all ended happily, because one of them was delivering a Wii to some needy kids. Long story short. That Wii Fit is really helping me lose weight.

At tribal, there was some disagreement on who to vote out. Some thought it should be who does the worst at challenges while others think it should be the one who is least trustworthy. I, meanwhile, think it should be the one who posseses demonic soothsaying powers. I am looking at you, Liz.

In the end, sucking at challenges wins out and we say goodbye to Ashley and her nose ring. No worries, I am sure the nose ring will be back, along with B.U.M. equipment shirts and Del Amitri.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE IV: C’MON YOU KNOW WHAT REACH TOOTHBRUSH COMMERCIALS I AM TALKING ABOUT

What is being up, peeps? Are people still saying “peeps”? Speaking of peeps…Once, when I was visiting New York, I went to this place called ‘Peep World’ near Penn Station and I visited the so-called ‘peep booths’ in the back. Yeah, let’s just say they were sorely lacking in delicious chick-shaped marshmallow treats. Talk about false advertising.

And what is the deal with airplane food?

So, the show started last night with Foa Foa treading familiar ground back from tribal council. JaiSON just seemed deflated and worn down. “I came here to have an adventure, but frankly, I right now believe that coming here was the worst decision I have made in my entire life,” he said. You know, I think I said that same exact thing to the police when I broke into that nursing home back in ’98. Oh well, I bet I gave them a great story to tell their grandkids if they EVER FIND THE TIME TO VISIT. Ungrateful little monsters.

Mr. Spacely attempts to comfort JaiSON by telling him if they win the next challenge everything will be hunky-dory, but JaiSON wasn’t receptive to his comforting ways. This, of course, prompts Spacely to say JaiSON is next to be voted off. Damn, Spacely is a fickle son of a gun, eh? He turned on JaiSON faster than that monkey turned on that wheelchair dude in Monkey Shines. How great is it that they made a movie about a helper monkey gone crazy? What a country. In America, the car drives you. What?

And back at Galu? Richard Simmons is wishing she was on Foa Foa. After she spent time over there, RS is now seeing her tribe as a bunch of…wait for it…Ga-losers. Be careful what you wish for, Richard Simmons. This reminds me of the time in The Brady Bunch when Mike wanted to be the Mom and Carol wanted to be the Dad. Mike had to help Marcia earn her cooking badge while Carol had to give the boys baseball tips. A man? Cooking? And a woman? Giving baseball tips? Since when did The Brady Bunch become science fiction? Right? Am I right? Now, go baseball…score a home goal!!11

Then Erik (??) approaches Richard Simmons and says, “look, if there is a hidden immunity idol over there, I am sure there is one over here in the same spot” and then he gets Richard Simmons to tell him and John the clues she read over at Foa Foa. She says, “That can do nothing but help me going forward…and maybe it won’t. Maybe it will hurt me, but we’ll see.” It’s a good plan. Much in the way it was a good plan on the part of Patrick Dempsey to work as a pizza delivery boy/male prostitute to get his girlfriend back. How preposterous is that? Believe me, its crazy preposterous. The summer I worked at Domino’s, I tried it too…first time someone ordered “extra anchovies” I delivered the pizza in my robe. Turned out it was a bunch of dudes playing Dungeons & Dragons in their mother’s basement. I left there that night betrothed to a Cave Troll and covered in Doritos dust. And that’s all I am gonna say about that.

Over at Foa Foa, JaiSON grabs the treemail which instructs the leader to select two members of his tribe to join him for an unknown challenge. Mick chooses Mr. Spacely for his brute strength and Natalie for her “puzzle-solving skills.” Natalie. For her puzzle-solving skills. If any of you watched this show, you would understand how comical that is. It’d be like choosing Dina Lohan for her parenting skills. Or Tonya Harding for her good sportsmanship. Or Plaxico Burress for his responsible handling of firearms.

But whatever. They head out and meet the Galu team – Russell, Dave and Richard Simmons. And on the beach they see a closed chest and a crate full of chickens. And both tribes are just standing there. Both tribes on opposite ends of the beach just sort of waiting for instructions and not doing anything. Just standing there. Silent. It felt a lot like one of my junior high dances. Except replace chickens with punch and chips and replace closed chest with a heightened level of self-consciousness and burgeoning, confusing hormones covered in a Champion sweatshirt, turtleneck, Skidz, and a whole bottle of Drakkar.

Then, each group starts talking amongst themselves. “Should we just start grabbing stuff?” asks Russell. “I say we just make a mad dash,” says Mr. Spacely. “My cat’s breath smells like cat food,” says Natalie. Then Natalie lunges for the chickens and Richard Simmons follows suit. And they each grab a couple chickens. The others open the mystery crate and read the instructions within. And they have to return the chickens. And Richard Simmons did so carrying her chicken by the middle of its neck in a humiliating fashion. Which I thought was unnecessary. Also unnecessary? That awful Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. movie.

Movie exec #1: “Hey, Ace Ventura did really well. And I think we probably don’t need to even pay Jim Carey to do another one. Sure, he was zany and what not and really did a lot of funny things, but I think people really bought tickets because of the story. Who doesn’t love a good missing pet story?”

Movie exec #2: I don’t know. Jim Carey was really a big part, wasn’t he?

Movie exec #1: Come on. Everyone loves a good stolen pet yarn. In fact, I bet anyone could play this part. Even, say, an annoying little fat kid. And I haven’t even told you the best part. I made it about a missing panda, so in the ad – we can say its…OHMIGOD THIS IS AMAZING…”panda-monium!!!”

Movie exec #2: This idea is so great I want to have sex with it.

Later…

Movie exec #1: My Dark Lord, I have done what you have asked me. I have gotten not only Ace Ventura Jr. greenlit, but also that new Sandra Bullock movie and Michael Strahan’s television series. Armageddon is upon us…oh, and I also got Armageddon greenlit for you.

SATAN: MUAHAHAHAHA! With Dane Cook’s popularity in place, we need to strike before people realize yelling awful punchlines do not make them any less awful. Unleash Hell!

And scene.

Turns out the challenge was to be Bocce ball. In it, well you know how Bocce ball works. And in a thrilling last-minute Bocce ball throw, Galu won. Again. And they get to keep the chickens. Richard Simmons frothed at the mouth predictably.

Back at Galu camp, Erik has everyone doing odd jobs so he can focus on searching for the hidden idol. And he finds it…yet he still remains boring. Moving on.

Not boring? Richard Simmons. When they all return with the chickens, RS decides she will take care of the chickens because she is a “country girl.” Then she proceeded to cluck at the chickens so she could communicate with them. Literally, she got down on her knees and clucked in at them in their crate to make them comfortable. She says, and I quote, “The Survivor chickens will know Shambo and they will give me eggs in turn because I will be kind to them.” CHICKEN LADY LOVES LIFE YEAH!!!11 THESE ARE THE DAVES I KNOW I KNOW I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD CANADIANS!!11

Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is having a bit of trouble with JaiSON being his right-hand man. So, he is considering picking someone else to be at his side. God, Spacely is so fickle when it comes to things like this. I mean, how many times did he make George a Vice President only to decide in less than a half hour (twenty minutes with commercials) George should go back to his low-level button-pushing job.

So, he approaches Natalie to make sure their partnership is still strong. He tells her she needs to stick with him and he will take her to the final two. Be careful Natalie. Your judgement in men has always been suspect. Like that time you lost your virginity to Snake Robinson even though he had already taken Jennifer Jason Leigh’s in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Get it? Because the same guy who played Snake Robinson played Damone on Fast Times. Yeah, Snake on The Facts of Life. The guy she lost her virginity to. Ugh, I AM LOSER.

Then, over at Galu, while she is retrieving eggs, Richard Simmons lets one of the chickens out. THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED she screams. Then they all ran around like crazy trying to catch the thing. In fact, Erik was running so fast, he was clotheslined. By an actual clothesline. And that wasn’t all. Then he was scissor kicked by an actual pair of scissors. Then he was put in a half-nelson by Gunnar Nelson. Get it? So, did that one make up for that whole Facts of Life fiasco from before up there.

Then, later on, Kelly is a bit annoyed with Yasmin because she just expects her to pour her coconut milk out of a coconut she’s been chopping at forever. Then Kelly goes and complains to Laura and Monica about oh my God none of you know who any of these people are, huh? Hey, remember that show My Two Dads about how funny it is to have unprotected sex?

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it each tribe had to grab boxes and stack them and blah blah blah. It was about as exciting as a box-stacking challenge could ever be. The only thing of note was Natalie’s unfortunate decision to wear pants. It showed a lack of solidarity with the rest of her bikini-wearing mates. And it showed a lack of interest in watching any longer. By me.

Oh, also Foa Foa won their first challenge sending Galu to tribal council FOR THE FIRST TIME OH MI GAWD I CANT CONTROL MYSELF!!!1111 I haven’t been this excited since Anthrax guest-starred on Married…With Children.

So, at Galu, it seems to be coming down to two possible candidates for elimination – Monica and Yasmin. Some are pointing at Monica because of her poor performance at the Immunity Challenge and some are pointing at Yasmin because of her attempted coconut milk theft. And Yasmin was trying to convince Richard Simmons they were going to vote her off because of letting the chickens out. Well, at least I think that was what she was saying. I was hiding behind my couch because Yasmin has a huge mouth and I thought she was going to swallow me whole. Seriously, it looks like if she opened wide enough, she would look like that cartoon head from those Reach toothbrush commercials.

At Tribal Council, there is some dissention within the group about what should influence a “vote out” decision. Some think it should be based on poor performance. Others think it should be based on who does least around camp. I think it should be based on whether or not the person looks like they could swallow the entire Indian Ocean. And, apparently, the majority agreed with me, because they voted out Yasmin. Bye big mouth.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR EPISODE III: BETTER LATE THAN ENJOYABLE TO READ…WAIT. WHAT?

Hey everyone. Sorry about the delay in writing the newsletter this week, but work got in the way. No worries though…I quit my job. I figure writing this for you guys every week is worth it. Plus, I can finally focus on my true passion – macramé Smurf wallets. I am just finishing my first one…it’s a picture of Papa Smurf at a computer and it says ‘My Smurfbook status is: Smurfy.” Heh. Score one for the good guys! I don’t really know what that last sentence even meant, but whatever. Its been almost a week since the last episode. I need filler.

So, the episode opens on the Foa Foa tribe and JaiSON is very upset with the way Cletus was laying into Yasmin the day before when he called her “ghetto trash.” The thing JaiSON doesn’t understand is, for Cletus, ghetto trash is a compliment. In fact, his very next sentence was, “If I’m a gonna win that million, I am a gonna buy me a pair a new blue jeans and put up some new Christmas lights in my trailer – Those ones shaped like Jalapeno Peppers. I am gonna be so ghetto trash!” Then he married his cousin and punched a grease pig. His opinion should be taken with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you now.

After that, Mr. Spacely approached Natalie about who she was going to vote out, but Natalie informed him she would wait and see based on what unfolded that day. Then she started talking about the time Blair read her diary and they had to institute all these privacy rules, like “No reading over someone else’s shoulder” and then she neglected to tell Blair about her botched chemistry experiment, causing it to spill all over Mrs. Garrett and make her stink right before her big presentation. Filler, man.

Then Mr. Spacely said, “This might be the worst group in history, and I might be the best. I’m gonna have them all under control like zombies walking around.” Which made me think of the fact that I saw that Zombieland movie this weekend and it led me to decree, “Zombies are like the bacon of movies. They make everything better.” So, I’d like to start that…”_____is like the bacon of _____” For example, “Cowbell is like the bacon of music” or “Scarlett Johansson is like the bacon of anything possible.”

Later that day, Cletus tried to help his tribemates by instructing them how to use a flint. When Mick tried to use it, however, he failed miserably. Much like me in that last paragraph when I tried to make something out of an inane zombie comment.

Meanwhile, over at Galu for 2 of the five seconds they got shown in this episode, a bunch of people we don’t know because Foa Foa’s awfulness at everything has shifted the focus dramatically are doing yoga. And Richard Simmons is not happy. “Screw yoga!” she says. Probably because the influx of yoga and other more holistic exercise routines have made extinct people’s need for Sweating to Oldies and card-based diet initiatives. But don’t lose heart, RS…the world still loves to watch fat people whine – just look at the success of The Biggest Loser. And More to Love. And Michael Moore.

Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely tells Cletus that Ashley wanted to vote him out at the last tribal council. He does this to “stir the pot.” Then, of course, like the monosyllabic dolt that he is, Cletus falls for the trap and goes and starts some mess with Ashley. Meanwhile, Mr. Spacely says to us, “You plant that little seed in their head, in their little brain, and then it grows, and it’s called a Russell seed. It takes over their whole mind, so that makes it easy for me to manipulate every single one of them.” Since I am fighting every urge in my body to make an inappropriate joke, I will instead opt to do a series of locker jokes from noted Canadian television masterpiece You Can’t Do That on Television:

Alistair: (opening locker) Hey Moose.

Moose: (opening locker) Yes Alistair?

Alistair: Did you hear that Mr. Spacely said some crazy crap just now about taking over other people’s minds?

Moose: He did?

Alistair: Yeah, I heard he’s trying to sublet his in the meantime, but the building inspector had it condemned.

Moose: (rolls eyes; closes locker)

Alistair: (closes locker)

Alanis: (opens locker) Hey Wyatt!

Wyatt: (opens locker) Yes Alanis?

Alanis: Did you know that men are evil scum that should be punished for everything THEY DID TO ME!!!!??? I’m here to remind you. Of the mess you made when you went away.

Wyatt: (closes locker; calls 911)

What do you think’s in the burgers??

Back at Galu, they receive treemail. And in it, they find swimsuits for everyone. Obviously, Mark Burnett realizes that there is a plethora of attractive women on here. And they know it too. Because the three girls – Monica, Kelly, and Yasmin – decide to pose like Charlie’s Angels. Of course, Richard Simmons is also on the tribe. I guess she’s Bosley.

Next up was another combo Immunity/Reward challenge. And its also another “beat the crap out of the other tribe” challenge. In it, each tribe has to send two people out at a time to retrieve these crates to be stacked in a Rubik’s cube sort of thing. However, getting to the crates would be a challenge as each tribe had to employ a defender that could tackle the crate retrievers. Remember in the 80’s when, on the heels of the success of Trans-Robots, every toy got its own cartoon? Well, this was even true for Rubik. Yep, they slapped a creepy blue face on him and gave him special powers and BAM – cartoon. It made sense to me. I mean, I remember sitting there, peeling the stickers off my Rubik’s cube saying, “Gosh, this thing is so cute…I wish it had a backstory that involved an evil magician and I wish Menudo would sing the theme song. And…and I wish that my Ram-Man figure would come to life and beat up all the kids that made fun of me. And I wish that my Teddy Ruxpin could tell my Grandpa that I don’t want to massage his feet. The 80’s - a decade where every social recluse’s dream can come true. Well, not every one – I mean, aside from the Rubik’s cube/Menudo thing, the rest were only true in my sketch pad.

So, yeah…a lot of people beat up a lot of other people. But in the end, guess who won. C’mon guess. Foa Foa? Congratulations. You are officially a big huge idiot.

Of course Galu won.

And after they won, THE PRINCE OF UNHOLY FIRE asked Grover to join him because he had a choice to make. He has to choose between a comfort reward (pillows, blankets, and towels) and a function reward, consisting of a tarp, pots, and fishing gear. He chose comfort. Therefore, Grover is dumb. And this led me to proclaim to my children that they cannot watch Sesame Street anymore. To which my oldest said, “Daddy, you already told us we couldn’t watch that show because Big Bird reminded you of this blazing yellow phoenix you once saw on an aspid trip.” To which I replied, “No no…acid trip Son. Acid trip.” Kids are so precious.

Oh, and Grover sends Richard Simmons over to observe the other tribe. And they love her. Because she is super positive. And she tells Mick that they call him McDreamy over at the Galu. I wish my name was Mick. No, not because I’d like to be called McDreamy. I would prefer McDLT. Cool head and hot on the bottom. That’s what I would say. When girls would ask me why they call me McDLT. I would say that. In a perfect world. Sad face.

Also, Richard Simmons refers to her other tribe members as the “90210 clique.” Which I would think was a compliment. Unless you were, of course, the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. Or the Scott-the-kid-who-shot-himself of the group.

Also, cbs.com says that Richard Simmons called them the “90210 click.” OMFG!!!!!1111CBS.COM IS SO PWNED!!!!!!!!!1TTL N00BS!!!!!111111111111

As tribal council looms, JaiSON is sticking to his plan of voting out Cletus. He says that he plans to leave if they don’t go with him and vote out Cletus. Such a baby. I once tried the same thing. I got in a fight with my brother because I wanted to watch Strawberry Short..I mean Baseball and I told my mom if she didn’t sell my brother on the black market, I would totally leave home. Well, she obviously heard me, because next thing I know, I wake up tied to a door handle in the back of a painter’s van. I was pretty upset about it then, but it taught me a tough lesson – how to kill a man with only a popsicle stick, a little bit of ingenuity, and a lot of moxie.

Mr. Spacely still wants to vote out Ashley so he decides to ensure Mick is with him by showing him his hidden immunity idol. This makes Mick trust Mr. Spacely more and Mr. Spacely thinks he has another vote for Ashley locked in. Mr. Spacely then says, “It’s simple. I was born for this. This is what God made me for.” Its great when you have realizations like that. For example, just last weekend I bought a package of Double-Stuf Oreos on Saturday. By Monday, they were gone. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. Even better than the time I saved my friend Cassandra’s grandfather’s house by winning the annual Regatta and besting Teddy Beckerstead and I drew crazy cartoons that came to life and my friend George got stuck in the sand under this guy who ate a whole can of chili on the beach and DOG FROM MARS DOG FROM MARS. Man, that was one crazy summer.

Getting closer to tribal council, JaiSON continues to make his case, despite everyone saying that they need Cletus to win challenges. Even though Cletus has done nothing in any of these challenges besides get kicked out of them. He contributes less to the success of his team than Lucas did. Yeah, Lucas. As we headed into tribal, Mr. Spacely says that he really wants to keep these guys’ trust, so he says he is thinking of voting out Cletus.

At tribal, JaiSON confronts Cletus about calling Yasmin “ghetto trash” and BEELZEBUB gives him a chance to apologize. Of course, he does not. Because he’s an “outlaw”…much like the Frito Bandito – yeah, he was an outlaw, but really when your only crime is stealing delicious Fritos corn chips, how intimidating do you think you really are. Though it is crazy he carried a gun. Man, he really loved his corn chips.

So, upon refusing to apologize, Cletus sealed his fate it seems. He received all the votes except one, making him the third person voted out of Survivor:Samoa. It’s a good thing Moonshine thrives in a recession.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE II: BATTLE OF THE BULGE AND BY BULGE I MEAN SHAZZAN’S GUT

So, Survivor continues to surprise me with its high level of entertainment and low level of suckitude. Typically, once a show goes downhill, it keeps on sliding. Like Happy Days after Fonzie started hanging out with that little chick from Poltergeist. Or Saved by the Bell after they started attending college. Or Laverne & Shirley after they moved to California. So, Laverne and Shirley move to California and everyone else follows? Frank, Edna, Lenny, Squiggy, AND the Big Ragu? Totally makes sense. Almost makes as much sense as the fact that both Laverne and Shirley seemed to have been seen as attractive by the men on that show. I mean, they even dated the Fonz. THE FONZ!!11 They were no Pinky Tuscadero, that’s for sure.

Anyyyyyways.

The show started with Foa Foa coming back from tribal council and Mr. Spacely bragging about the fact that he was instrumental in voting off Marisa. “She’s a strong woman, and I can’t have that,” he notes. Which I guess I understand. I mean, Mrs. Spacely is always on his case about something or another. Like when they played the Jetsons on Family Fallout and lost, despite Mrs. Spacely pushing Mr. Spacely to cheat to win. Well, they sort of lost. The Jetsons won a new Foodarackacycle (I just googled to make sure I spelled it right…and I did. I am teh awesome) for sure, but the Spacely’s won a lifetime supply of Cogswell Cogs. OH THE IRONY!!!!!!111

So, after that, Mr. Spacely approaches Betsy to talk to her about why she didn’t vote alongside him in tribal, opting to write down Ashley’s name instead. She said she just doesn’t trust him. Then she says she’s not afraid to stand up to him. And I am not afraid to stand up to polluters. Swamp Thing told me that I shouldn’t litter even though HEY OMAR, LOOK AT HOW THAT CUP ACTS LIKE A BOAT IN THE WATER!!

Over at Galu, Yasmin is having a hard time adjusting to outdoor life. Yasmin complains that, while Dave looks great, she feels pretty gross. And she is left wondering why. Dave has an answer for her – “Cause you’re funky baby,” he replies. I really don’t know what that means and what it has to do with not liking the outdoors, but then again I am just not all that hip. Like just yesterday a youth approached me and asked me about the “hizzy in the shizzy.” I, of course, doused him with pepper spray and yelled “Stranger Danger” over and over again until the mall security guard Segway’ed over to us. Turns out he was just trying to sell me a new wireless carrier. So, in the end, I felt like I performed a pretty valuable community service, so I treated myself to a cinnamon sugar pretzel and a REGULAR Coke. I made a difference!

So, back at Foa Foa, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely have a conversation which leads Mr. Spacely to tell JaiSON he is going to go searching for the hidden immunity idol before anyone even gets a clue as to its whereabouts. So, these two have formed an unlikely little alliance. The short fat bald dude who empties canteens and burns socks and the tall athletic dude who gets his canteens emptied and socks burnt. Hey, according to MC Skat Kat, Opposites Attract, so that’s cool:

Spacely’s short
And JaiSON is tall
Yeah they’ve got differences
But they’ll do it all

Spacely’s hat
Is awful, at best
JaiSON’s mistake
Is the sweater vest

JaiSON seems nice
And his intentions are clear
Spacely’s belly hangs over his UN-DER-WEAR

Two Steps Forward
I take two steps back
We go together
Cuz Op-posites Attract.

Paula Abdul be crazy, y’all.

So, Spacely decides to search for the idol while everyone else is eating a lizard that Ben killed by smashing against a tree. Yep. The crazy thing…he finds the idol inside the hollow of a tree and he stuffs it in his boxer briefs, while everyone is looking at him. Pretty impressive. I mean, you can call Spacely underhanded, annoying, condescending, out-of-shape, awful, disgusting, mean, deceptive, non-toned, bald, fashion-challenged, cocky, and without any redeeming qualities.

..

What? No, that was all I wanted to say.

So, JaiSON is excited when Spacely shows him the idol, but the note attached says that it belongs to whoever finds it and no one else. JaiSON is a bit put-off by this, but says he trusts Spacely a lot more now. Which is smart. Oh wait, did I say smart? I meant completely idiotic.

Then Betsy and Shazzan leave to go get treemail and Shazzan says that, even though he is an all-powerful genie, he fears they are on the chopping block because they are the two oldest in the tribe. He tells us that he sees the next challenge as his chance to prove his worth. Then he was disappeared because Chuck and Nancy touched their rings together and shouted “Shazzan!” “Ho-ho-HO” he said. Then they flew off on Kaboobie were separated by an evil genius so they couldn’t summon Shazzan again. Why didn’t they just make the wish that Shazzan never leave their side? I mean, this happened in like every single episode. They fly around on Kaboobie, get caught by some bad guy, get separated, and then have to get back together to summon Shazzan. I also don’t really get why Chuck and Nancy even ever wanted to return home. They had a genie at their disposal AND a flying camel and they wanted to return to Maine? Look, I like salt water taffy and outlet shopping as much as the next guy, but c’mon….Kaboobie.

What? Are you telling me there is more to Maine than salt water taffy and outlet shopping? You’re a damned dirty liar.

Oh, right…back to tree mail. So the tree mail indicates that this challenge will be a battle and the Survivors are instructed to paint their faces like Samoan warriors, who apparently modeled their face-painting techniques after members of KISS. Yeah, you know…the Starchild, the Demon, the Spaceman, and…the Cat? The Cat? Are you serious, Mr. Criss? Oooooh, so mystical. A cat. The makeshift Halloween choice for poor little girls everywhere. Yeah, it was between “The Cat,” ‘The Hobo,” or “The Bedsheet Ghost.” Beth, I hear you callin…but I can’t come right now. Me and the boys are playin. And my leotard just ripped.

Then comes the challenge. In this reward/immunity challenge, three members from each tribe had to battle in a mud pit to retrieve these balls, while three others waited up on a platform to get these balls thrown to them, and then try to shoot them into the opposing team’s basket. First team with three baskets wins immunity and fishing gear. And they were kicking the crap out of each other down there. Hey, remember when mud wrestling was all sexy and awesome? Thanks Survivor for ruining everything. It quickly got tied up and THE DEVIL INCARNATE had to stop the game to issue a warning that if he sees anyone pull a cheap shot on someone else, they are out of the game.

In the third round, tensions flare…Ben first pushes Yasmin into a fence and then he kicks Grover in the back of the leg, which causes LUCIFER to pull him out of the game. The first person ever to be pulled out of a challenge. Whoop-de-doo. Also, he was the first person to ever kick Grover in the leg. Even that blue guy that always had his order screwed up when Grover was his waiter never kicked him in the leg. And I totally would have seen that as justified. But why would that guy keep going back to that restaurant? I mean, they even ran out of food once and only had milk left. But then they were all out of glasses and…and…he…he offers him a pocketful of milk. Man, that’s hilarious. Yeah, I probably would have gone back too.

After that happens, Galu scores again. Then, Shazzan takes a big hit and is left looking pretty stunned. Which shouldn’t have been a surprise. Shazzan has really let himself go since his Kaboobie days. In fact, he’s really developed his own set of Kaboobies.

…

…

…

Is this thing on?

So, in the end, Galu won…and there was a TWIST. The leader of Galu gets to send one member of the tribe to spend the day with Foa Foa to gather information and sit in on Tribal Council. Grover selects Yasmin. And then, MEPHISTOPHELES tells Shazzan that he has to meet with the doctors. After checking his blood pressure and having him stand up and sit down, they decide he is unfit to continue. “Ho-Ho-WHAT??” he says. So, with that, Shazzan and his enormous gut are asked to go home. Maybe he should have, I don’t know, worked out a little beforehand. But what do I know? I’m just in superb physical shape.

So, over at Galu, with fishing gear in hand, Richard Simmons was all “Hey, I can fish and then we can sweat to the oldies and deal meals or whatever.” However, when she gets out there, she has little luck. Oh, and she loses part of the snorkel. Wahhh-Wahhhh. Laura says that, in doing that, Richard Simmons has “signed her own death warrant.” Which seems like a stupid thing to do, I would think. Signing your own death warrant.

Over at Foa Goa, Yasmin isn’t making any friends. She starts off her time there by saying the following: “I’m here to help you guys strategize because, to me, I don’t like a not fair fight. It’s almost like why be matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people cause then it’s like taking candy from a baby.” It is almost like being matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people. Her statement was both arrogant and confusing. Much like my Uncle Phil, who used to say he was “as handsome as peanut brittle.”

Then Yasmin takes things a bit further with Ben when she pulls him aside. She is unhappy that he “tackled her like a dude.” He then defends himself by calling her “grammar school” to make fun of her manner of speaking. Which I totally didn’t understand. I would probably call someone “grammar school” if they corrected people’s grammar all the time. But this is sort of the opposite of that. It’d be like calling Megan Fox “Acting School” or calling Lady Gaga “Singing School” or calling Kate Moss “Rehab for Cocaine Addiction.”

Ben then went on to say she was “pretty close to being a hooker.” I didn’t totally understand that. I didn’t see any resemblance between her and a veteran police sergeant played by William Shatner.

Ohhhhhh…now I get it. Damn, that was cold.

Ben continues to make a jackass of himself later that night. He spends the entire night chopping wood with a machete as everyone is trying to sleep. Ben is not very smart. Which is an understatement much in the way “Delta Burke gained a little weight after Designing Women” is an understatement. This annoys everyone and the next morning people are contemplating whether they should vote off Ben or Betsy. One is old…and one is awful. Most seem to still think they should vote out Betsy, except Ashley. But she has a nose ring, so I didn’t expect anyone would listen to her. Though both Salt and Pepa had nose rings and they taught me all about SHOOP SHOOP AY OOP SHOOP AY OOPAYOOPAYOOP.

Tribal Council was pretty heated that night, with Ben calling out Yasmin as being “ghetto trash.” This dude…is calling someone else trash. Whatevs Jethro…Then, as there was any doubt, Mr. Spacely backs ol’ Jethro up saying that he didn’t like how Yasmin called them all babies. JaiSON, however, pulls away and says that, yeah, he didn’t like what Yasmin said but it was sort of true. They needed to win on the field. So, stop all your bellyaching and get out there and win. Just put down that Dungeon’s Master guide, take off your cleric’s robe, and GET OUT THERE AND WIN FOR YOUR FAMILY OK DAD STOP YELLING I AM NOT YOU I DON’T WANT YER LIFE!!!!!11

Whoa, what…what happened?

Ahem.

Then Ben was asked if he felt bad about his poor sportsmanship in the challenge. Of course he said no. I am pretty sure Foa Foa stands for “abundance of a-holes.”

In the end, though, Betsy’s oldness trumped Ben’s doink-ness. So, they voted out Betsy, with her giving the only Ben vote.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE I: WHAT THE HECK IS A SPACELY SPROCKET ANYWAYS??

Here we go again on our own. Goin’ down the only road we’ve ever known.

So, ok….and I know this is going to sound crazy. But I actually found myself quite entertained watching Survivor: Samoa’s first episode. I know. I am pretty ashamed of myself. I don’t know how it happened. But it could have something to do with the fact that I was eating a great sandwich (grilled chicken, bacon, cheese, avocado, Ranch dressing on focaccia) and drinking a 40 of King Cobra while I was watching it. I mean, with that combination going on, I could have been watching an hour of Kathie Lee talking about Cody and Cassidy and I probably would have been like, “Cody used to do what? He used to sing ‘If They Could See Me Now’ while he played with his boats in the bathtub? OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS!!” Take my review of the show with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you right now.

So the show started with THE DEVIL’s voiceover saying something-or-another about Samoa and what not…island shot, water shot, random animal shot, tribe members rowing…and he says that this is THE BIGGEST CAST OF SURVIVOR EVERRRR!!!!! I know. Super exciting. In most seasons, they have 18. BUT IN THIS SEASON THEY HAVE 20 OH MY GOD SERIOUSLLLYYY????!!!! Wait a tick. That’s like. Well. That’s like. 2 more? Woo. Hoo.

They all arrive on the beach and we learn that they have already been split into two tribes – Galu (Purple - Brett, John, Russell Swan, Dave, Monica, Shambo, Yasmin, Laura, Kelly and Erik) and Foa Foa (Yellow - Ben, Jaison, Mick, Russell Hantz, Mike, Marisa, Liz, Betsy, Natalie and Ashley). Again, I really want to know where some of these people think they are going on these boats. High heels? A sweater vest? Its like that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Renee Zellwegger shows up in a bunny suit to a party where no one else was wearing a costume. Oh my gosh that scene was delicious. Uh…what? I mean. Huh? It’s like that scene from that movie about NASCAR where all the guys were beating up those other guys and then they had sex with all those hot chicks!!!! Isn’t football and hunting the best?

Then LUCIFER said that everyone had to write down who they think should be the leader for their tribe just based on first impressions. And everyone wrote down things like “black guy in sweater vest” or “chick in orange dress” or “woman with mullet.” One guy actually wrote “more handsome than Lennox Lewis” about one of the guys. Which was odd. Everyone laughed sort of awkwardly at it to be polite. It’d probably be like watching Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting right next to you. “No no…yeah, I get it. That’s totally funny and in no way really off-putting how Danny DeVito got you pregnant. Just please don’t hurt me.”

In the end, Galu selected Russell. It was close, though. Shannon was a close second and she offered up this little tidbit – “I was in the United States Marine Corps and Rambo had the same bandana I had, so everybody was like, ‘Shannon, Rambo – Shambo,’ so that’s my game name and that’s what I’m here to do is play.” I swear I wasn’t in her battalion. It also sucks because I would love to put “sh” in front of other Sylvester Stallone movies and have that be her nickname for the season instead – Shobra, Shiffhanger, Shock-up, Shop or My Mom Will Shoot – but I already sort of did that one season. Then I started thinking, wow…look at what my life has become. I am actually upset that I can’t call someone a rotating list of Sylvester Stallone movies because I already did it once before. Let that one sink in for a while. Yeah. Feel better about whatever you’re doing these days? I thought so.

We are seriously like 2 minutes into the show and I am already over a page.

Foa Foa selected Mick. Probably because he can “eat thunder and crap lightning.” Ugh, again with the Stallone movies? Seriously? I could quite possibly be the worst writer ever.

Then the leaders have their first task in front of them. They have to pick fellow tribe members for specific tasks – they have to pick the best swimmer, stongest, most agile, and most intelligent members of their tribes. Again, this is mainly based on first impressions. I won’t bore you with all their choices, but there were a couple of stand-outs here. Mick picked Jaison as the best swimmer. I guess there is a stereotype that African-Americans are not good swimmers? I didn’t know that, but Shazzan (yay…first nickname!) said, “Afro Americans aren’t known to be swimmers, you know?” I didn’t know. Who says TV doesn’t teach us things? Turns out he was on the water polo team. So there you go, Shazzan. Then he later picked Elizabeth as most intelligent. She thinks he did that only because she is Asian. And its like…man, I wish I had a stereotype like that. I am an Italian-Irish-Frenchman. So, yeah, according to stereotypes…I am a drunk, hairy, coward. I hate stereotypes. Especially when they’re true. Sad face.

Also, he chose Russell H. as the strongest. I guess. I mean, he’s basically this short, fat dude. Who wears an awful hat. He looks sort of like Mr. Spacely. Well, he actually reminded me more of Mr. Peebles if he stole Magilla Gorilla’s hat. But, honestly, I can’t make a ton of jokes out of Mr. Peebles, so I am going with Mr. Spacely. JETSON!!!! Right? Right??? HAHAHAHAHA!!!111 Erm…damn, I’m out.

OK, so then comes the reward challenge. And it involves swimming fast for a key, then handing it off to the strong guy to unlock and carry these big logs (logs…heh), which are set up as steps for the agile one to climb up and maneuver over this beam thing to hand off the key to the smart one to unlock a puzzle. Got it…great, because I ain’t repeating myself.

In the swimming portion, Jaison (emPHAsis on the second sylLAble) took off and blew the other rocket scientist dude out of the water. WORDPLAY!!! Then Mr. Spacely went ahead and lifted the logs pretty well for Marisa to climb over them and give us our first blurred body part of the season. Pssst – it was her breasts. Then she handed off to Elizabeth for her puzzle-solving. She did well…although Shannon did actually catch up to her and almost overtook her, despite wearing a headband and having a fe-mullet.

So, Foa Foa won fire. In the form of flint. Super.

When Foa Foa comes back to camp, while everyone else is building a shelter, Mr. Spacely starts his evil scheming. He decides to try and align with basically every single female. He calls all of them except Betsy his “dumb girl alliance.” Now, keep in mind he is not aligning with all of them as a group, but rather aligning with each of them separately. Also, he is doing this in a pair of boxer briefs. So, picture Mr. Spacely in nothing but boxer briefs and a Magilla Gorilla hat and you will understand why that 40 of King Cobra was totally gone by now. He describes his moves like so, ““I got an alliance with the dumb short-haired blonde, the even dumber long-haired blonde and the dark haired girl. I’d like to call it my dumb-ass girl alliance.” Which seems ok, since all the girls called it their “Guy I Would Never Sleep With Alliance.”

Also, Ashley is sporting the nose ring. People still get those? I thought those went way out of style with B.U.M. Equipment and Tony Toni Tone. I remember when Tony Toni Tone exploded onto the scene in the early 90’s. It was a simple time full of Swatch watches and tight-rolls. And I remember the moment I saw their video I was like, “Wow, there are three ways to spell the name Tony.” Then I turned on Family Matters. Oh that Urkel. He was so nerdy.

Galu, meanwhile, head back to their camp with no reward. And we get to see Russell S.’s leadership style. Not bad, though ultra-positive. And he sounds a lot like Grover from Sesame Street. Hello, it is I your favorite furry blue monster asking you if you would like to build a shelter with me. You know who was awesome? Forgetful Jones.

Also, John is not making many friends with people in his tribe because he is “all talk, no action.” Man, if I had a nickel, right?

So here comes awesome part #1. As Foa Foa is laying down to sleep, Mr. Spacely starts telling this story about how lived in New Orleans when Katrina hit and how he was in his house with his dog, Rocky, when the levy broke. Then he described how he lost Rocky once the house flooded with water. Then all the women cried. Then he told us he made it all up. He never lived in New Orleans and he never owned a dog. Remember when I said White Power Ranger was like my favorite person ever from Survivor? Well, Mr. Spacely could maybe beat him. And, honestly, only in my online fan-fiction could I even have imagined a battle between Mr. Spacely and the White Power Ranger. And, honestly, I have written about that in my online fan-fiction. At the end, they figure out that Henry the fix-it man was actually an evil cohort of Rita Repulsa’s and he programmed Rosie to make up the whole story about how Cogswell was employing the Power Rangers to infiltrate Spacely Sprockets and steal trade secrets. After this was uncovered, Spacely, White Power Ranger, Astro, and Orbity all set off to find…oh no…wait. I have said too much. If you want to hear the rest, you’ll have to read it yourself – visit my site…www.Janegetmeoffthiscrazythingcalledadventure.com.

So, yeah…that was awesome part #1. Here comes #2. After everyone falls asleep, Mr. Spacely goes ahead and empties out the water in everyone’s canteens. Then he burns Jaison’s socks in the fire. Then he drew a big pentagram and summoned the Ghoulies from the bowels of Hell to wreak havoc within the camp and pop out of toilets and rip off the Gremlins. Okay, so that last part wasn’t true, but I wouldn’t put it past this guy. He makes THE PROBST look like Princess Sparkle the Friendly Unicorn.

His plan works too. The next morning, the whole tribe is arguing and utter chaos has ensued. Human sacrifice…dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!

The next day, the tribes meet for the Immunity Challenge. As they meet, THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS WRONG asks Grover what he thinks about his tribe. “Tough as nails, Jeff” he responds. And then he goes on to say that they are the best group of people he has ever known and how he would like to marry each and every one of them and have all of their babies or some crap. Ben, from Foa Foa then says that those are things “losers say.” Which I don’t agree with. Losers say things like, “Beyonce had the best video.” HEY-OH!!!!!! CURRENT EVENTS JOKES!!!1111 JAY LENO!!!

The challenge involved running over big triangle things and then pulling a big box of puzzle pieces and then constructing a puzzle. Galu worked much better together as a team mainly because that tribe isn’t full of big dumb idiots. So, in the end, Galu won. And I so expected Grover to come back and say something like, “oh, who is the loser now.” But he didn’t. Which shouldn’t surprise me. Because Grover isn’t the type of monster to rub things in. Except for that one time when Oscar lost Slimy at the Grouch of the Year Awards. Grover was all, “Scram that biznatch!!” To be fair, Grover had just pounded a whole bottle of Mad Dog. “I thought it was Grape Juice,” answered the intoxicated Muppet.

So, back at Foa Foa, they had to decide who to vote out. It seems like they are all gonna vote Ashley at first probably because of her ill-timed face jewelry. But then Marisa tells Mr. Spacely she doesn’t trust him. So he is all, “JETTSONNNN!!!” and decides to conspire against Marisa by telling the rest of the tribe to vote her off.

At tribal, it is obvious to BEELZEBUB that this tribe is not doing well. Ben and Marisa obviously hate each other. Probably because Marisa is attractive and Ben has had sex with livestock. However, it looks like Spacely’s plan has worked, because a lot of them are going against Marisa. Except for Betsy, who points to Ashley as the weakest member of the tribe. Ashley is stunned because she says she does a lot of cardio. Whatever it is, its working. Get it? What I mean to say is that working out is, ahem, working out. Right? She is an attractive is what I am saying to you now.

In the end, though, Spacely’s plan works and they vote out Marisa, sending her back to backwoods somewhere-or-another. Bye Marisa.

Until next time,
Wayne

YOUR SURVIVOR SAMOA KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

Well, hello everyone. It’s that time once again. It’s time to SURVIVE!! I know. I can’t believe it either. I’m really, I don’t know, excited? Sure, why not.

This season takes place in Samoa, which is in the South Pacific. And I gotta be honest, its gonna be hard for me to say the word “Samoa” without sounding like Humpty Hump at the end of “the Humpty Dance.” Not that that’s a bad thing…but I just wanted to let you all know. I’ll drink a bottle of Hennessy you got on your shelf.

So, this first newsletter is to help everyone become acquainted with our latest round of ne’er-do-wells, slugabeds, and fools:

Ashley – says one of her biggest flaws is “speaking her mind.” She also says that she is a huge Survivor fan and one of the biggest lessons she has learned that will help her is to “be careful when you’re walking around because you don’t want to be medical’ed out of there.” Therefore, using deductive reasoning, I have come up with the following argument:

A. Ashley speaks her mind
B. Ashley said that, in 18 seasons of Survivor, the big lesson was to “be careful when walking around”
C. Therefore, Ashley’s mind is an idiot

Ben – is described by his friends as “a big hillbilly who will be rich someday.” Well, he had better get going on getting out in the yard and shooting some food with hopes that up from the ground comes a bubblin’ crude. Oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea. Because, according to my research, that’s really the only way hillbillies get rich. Well, that or by wrestling and carrying a 2x4.

Betsy – is a cop and her nickname is “Officer Friendly.” Weird. I knew an Officer Friendly once too. She came to break up a bachelor party I was attending. She was about to arrest the groom when she decided to join the party with sexy results. Everyone else seemed really into this, but I felt that Lady Justice truly wept that day. No, I’m serious…there was some other chick there named Lady Justice and she seemed really upset about Joey choosing Pacey in the Dawson’s Creek finale.

Brett – fulfilled his lifelong dream to launch a cause-based clothing line. Fulfilling dreams is cool. Like this one time, I had a dream that I went to the White House and met with the President and we came up with a plan to end world hunger and bring world peace at the same time. Then we executed it. Then I beat him in golf and he told me I was like the son he never had. So, when I woke up I went to McDonald’s and ordered two quarter-pounders. Huh? Oh, I had a dream I ate 2 Quarter Pounders the night before. They were delicious and it was one of the proudest moments of my life. FIST PUMP!!11

Dave – Dave’s nickname is “Danger.” That makes sense, because he not only has a degree in opera, but he was also a flight attendant and he claims that his innate intelligence has been “honed through years of playing strategy games.” And when I say it makes sense, I mean it in the same way it makes sense that the Griswolds never noticed that they had totally different kids on like every vacation they took.

Elizabeth – is not sure if she is going to tell her tribemates she is an attorney. I don’t know if I agree with that strategy. Keeping secrets ruins lives and relationships. Like, once, I dated this girl and I wasn’t totally up front with her about certain aspects of who I was. And I think it was a mistake, because when I finally took my shirt off and she saw that I had the body of a Greek God, I asked if she was ok with how naturally beautiful I was and she never called me again. After that, I decided to just put it out there at the beginning of a relationship. “Hi, my name is Wayne and my body is what some would call chiseled and perfect,” I would say. Most relationships never went beyond those initial introductions, but at least we got it out of the way early.

Erik – is, according to cbs.com, “a proud womanizer.” He also has “no qualms about chasing after a taken woman” because there is “nothing sweeter than taking another man’s goods.” Also, his favorite hobby is “skirt chasing.” It doesn’t say this, but I assume his other hobbies include “buying rohypnol,” “receiving restraining orders,” and “crying because I am so lonely inside.”

Jaison – thinks that winning Survivor is all about getting together with a core group of people. He thinks its about strategy and…and having drive…and…and…amibition….and…annnnnnd….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

John – Just seems like a real jerk. He claims he is a rocket scientist and a former pro soccer player who has good looks and charm. I hate good-looking, intelligent, and athletic people. They think they’re so great. “Oh, look at me…I can add a bunch of numbers together and my hair is all cool and watch me score a goal and blah blah blah.” Look, no one wants to hear it, ok?

Kelly – is pretty cute and she describes herself as a ‘free spirit.’ And you guys know what that means, right? Right? No, me neither.

Laura – refers to herself as a “fit version of Sarah Palin” because of similar religious beliefs and because her 18 year-old daughter also had a child. Sarah Palin, meanwhile, refers to herself as a “less insulting version of Laura” because of their differing opinions on what counts as a compliment.

Marisa – is a lot prettier than I expect most Appalachians to be. She was also born into a “blended” family with eight siblings. And by blended, she says she means that none of them have both the same mother and father. That feels much more Appalachian.

Mick – says that he is definitely a conversationalist, but topics that are off-limits include “ridiculous situations that people find themselves in.” Makes sense…He then added that he can’t wait to compete in an immunity challenge that involves him eating a cockroach while throwing a ceramic pig to his fellow tribemates. Hey…this guy is – wait for it – Ri-Mick-ulous!!!

Mike – braids his beard like Shazzan from the Hanna-Barbera World of Super Adventure. Well, not exactly like his beard, but I just wanted to use this as an excuse to say the Herculoids was an awesome show.

Monica – Once worked as Pocahantas at a “theme park.” Gee, I wonder which park. I really didn’t enjoy Pocahantas all that much. In fact, when it came out, I called it Poca-crap-is. See what I did there? I inserted the word “crap” into the title because I didn’t think I would enjoy the film all that much.

Natalie – is really quite attractive. Which blows my mind, since Natalie on the Facts of Life wasn’t. Also, Natalie plans to work in her background as a pharmaceutical sales representative into the game. Which means, I don’t know, free Oxycontin if someone throws a challenge?

Russell H. – according to cbs.com, “Russell Hantz’s personality speaks for itself when he proudly displays a missing tooth that he refuses to fix!” So he’s, what? Lazy? Uninsured? Cletus from the Simpsons? And why the exclamation point at the end of that sentence, cbs.com? Am I supposed to scream that sentence? Because I just did and the woman next to me is calling the cops. Hm? No, you’re right…I am home. Yes, the woman is my wife. Well, I actually think she’s calling the cops for an entirely different reason. It seems I am really drunk right now. And I may have just punched a hole in my TV. But can you blame me? They cancelled Mama’s Family. I know it was years ago, but it still stings.

Russell S. – Has made a vow that he will cut his dreadlocks if he wins the million. When I was a senior in high school, I made sort of the same deal. My family chipped in and paid me $100 to cut my mullet. And it was at that moment, I realized how important image is to my family, so I made it my lifelong ambition to be handsome. Mission. Accomplished.

Shannon – is, wow. Shannon is quite something. So, picture Billy Ray Cyrus wearing a headband. Got it? Now, imagine this Billy Ray Simmons person is driving a Harley. OK. Now, picture in your mind this wonder of an individual calling her Harley “Chunky.” Great, you got it. Now, your brain is as ruined as mine.

Yasmin – is nicknamed “Sassy Yassy” because she is opinionated and whatever. I guess she talks a lot too or some stuff. I don’t know. Yasmin, you’re the last person I have to write about, so sorry…I am pretty spent. Um, good luck this season.