Survivor: Fiji - Kick-off

OK. so this will be the first post about Survivor:Fiji (Season 10). This is the kick-off post introducing all characters. After this one, I won't waste any time explaining what the post really is, I will just go ahead and post as if its February, 2007.

So, Happy Groundhog Day everyone! Can you believe how cold it is outside? I really hope that team we all like wins the Superbowl.

Hullo all! Welcome to Season 14 of Survivor – Survivor: Fiji. Wow, Season 14, huh? Even Police Academy realized it was time to pack it up by number 7 – Hey, remember Police Academy? They had that guy that made all those crazy noises? Vrrroooommmm! Beep Beep! Ka-chooga! To Protect and Serve? More like to Crack up and, erm, serve? Right? Right?

Hmm? Oh, right. So, I wonder what’s going to happen this season. Think they’ll fight? I wonder if anyone will be lazy. You know what would be insane? If someone didn’t know how to start a fire…Survive!

Anyways, this is just a little kick-off to let you get to know Mark Burnett’s latest assemblage of one-dimensional hate magnets and find out who you got this season. Let’s hope you get assigned someone you detest a little less than everyone else...

Alex – Let’s see…According to cbs.com, Alex’s favorites include Family Guy, Entourage, Rocky III, Street Fighter, scotch, and – get this - Concord grapes. Alex is really making my job of insulting him hard here. Hmmmm. Ermmmmm. Urghhh. Ummmm…well, he’s a lawyer. Take that!

Anthony – While at Yale, Anthony performed in the sketch comedy group, “the fifth humor.” You see, the fifth humor is a mischievous play on words referring to the lobbying by the ancient Greeks to include an additional humor, smoke, to the existing four humors (blood, phlegm, choler, melancholy). So, expect a lot of, um, “humor?” from Anthony. And expect me to talk about how much I would like to punch him in the face until humor #1 starts gushing out of his nose. However, Anthony is, as the kids say, “Straight Outta Compton.” So, that’s kind of cool.

Boo! – Did I scare you? Good. Wow, where to start? I guess at the beginning…Boo? The origins of which could either be (a) the character Arthur “Boo” Radley from To Kill A Mockingbird, (b) the little girl from Monsters, Inc., or (c) “the thing that Casper says.” They all point to one thing though – mental deficiencies. This conclusion is further enforced by his choice of “No favorite” under books/authors, his favorite sports team being the Houston Oilers, and his idea that having jobs as varied as construction worker and bartender constitutes an “interesting background.” In what I expect to be the first of many disagreements between me and Boo, he describes himself as “a cerebral athlete, a great problem solver and strong both mentally and physically.” Too easy…moving on…

Cassandra - seems cool, I guess. I don't know. What do I look like? A psychoanalysis person?

Dre - Taking a break from the “gangsta rap game” Dre has been able to focus on his true passions, namely his summers spent teaching cheerleading for the Universal Cheerleading Association, his love of hide-and-go-seek, and just basically preaching his message – “When everybody is happy all day... that's a perfect day.” Prior to his applying for the latest season of Survivor, Dre has been locked in the studio, hard at work on a new album entitled “The Chronic 2007: Rainbows and Puppies in the LBC.” Snoop could not be reached for comment.

Earl – Earl says his strategy is “fluid.” He plans on just sitting back and adapting. His mother is his inspira…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Edgardo – thinks he will be one of the most attractive people on the show and thinks his accent could work as a strength. Edgardo? More like Ed-tardo!

Erica - thinks that once you complete Survivor, including the tasks of “getting water” and “purifying water” then “there’s not gonna be anything else you can’t do.” I bet Sir Edmund Hillary would disagree.

Gary – just returned his pet snapping turtle, “Snappy,” to the wilderness. I am just going to let you soak that one in.

James – In the grand tradition of Boston Rob and that dude with the big ears from “Paradise Hotel,” James plans on furthering the image of Bostonians as monosyllabic dolts. James recently received his high school diploma from an adult program and has the word “Boston” tattooed on his arm. I plan on beating James up once he returns home. Hey James, meet me in the back of the pahhhkin lot. I’ll wicked beat you ovah the head with a Bacahdi bottle.

Jessica – is hot, I think. Also, she is originally from New Orleans, so I fully expect her top to come off. I also fully expect her to play jazz and eat Cajun food. Stereotypes make the world go round.

Liliana – enjoys “anything with clusters of nuts.” Well, I’ll tell you she would love working here because everyone here is out of their mind. Right? Right? Is this thing on? Tough mass distribution list. I would also like to be recognized for avoiding any sexual innuendoes there…it would have been very easy. Also, she said nuts.

Lisi - describes herself as an "Underground Electropunk Noise Artist" and has procured quite a following (she had a hit in France in 2004). Currently, Lisi works as a customer service representative for a psychic service company. Her favorite TV show is “Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty.” If unintentional humor was a superpower, Lisi would kick Superman’s ass.

Michelle – Thinks she has figured out the game. She says the key is to filter what you say and watch out for people. By George, I think she’ll win… And by “win”, I mean “lose and humiliate herself in front of millions of people.”

Mookie – Hey Mookie, you’re so boring. You’re so boring you blow my mind. Hey Mookie! Hey Mookie!

Rita – Rita currently juggles being a single mom with working part-time on her business as an image consultant who specializes in coaching girls for the Miss Texas, Miss California and Miss USA Pageants. She also said her favorite scent is “the smell of children’s skin.” For realsies. Though she left them out, I assume her unmentioned favorite movies, music, and books all have something to do with Michael Jackson. Because he is very talented.

Stacy – Hey Stacy! Listing Toblerone as your favorite candy doesn’t make you look worldly. It just means you’ve been to the gift shop at the airport.

Sylvia – After going on about being charismatic, likeable, and confident, Sylvia says her humor is “self-deprecating” because she doesn’t like herself. Sylvia is a puzzle wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma. I’m pretty sure she also sucks. Get it? My humor is “Sylvia-deprecating” because I don’t like her.

Yau-Man – is 7’6, weighs 310 pounds and plays center for the Houston Rockets.

So, there they are…print it up, look it over, and make of it what you will. “Why, I could make a hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl…”
Enjoy the show tonight.