SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU FINALE: ONE MORE UNDESERVING PERSON WINS A MILLION...ISN 'T AMERICA GREAT? Sarge thinks so....

I know this one is a little late, but...writing the finale newsletter is always a tough thing because I feel so much pressure to make it the best of the season. I think, you know, it's the last newsletter, you really gotta make it count. And then, then I remember that I am not getting paid for any of this and I think, screw them. So, that's where we are. If you are disappointed with this newsletter in any way, I would ask you to keep your damn opinions to yourself...or tell yo mama!....word bootie.

Of course, the show started with Skeletor saying that she was shocked at Turkey Loaf's decision to vote off hot Julie's butt, especially in favor of Twila's and Scout's respective butts. Mmmmm, butts. Guy-la and Skeletor ended up getting into a bit of a thing about Guy-La hinting that Skeletor did not deserve to be here because she does nothing, except glow green every once in a while (you know, I think I have made that glowing green joke before, but honestly, I don't think Skeletor actually ever glowed a green. You, see, I had a Skeletor mask when I was younger that was of the glow-in-the dark variety and I think that is where I am getting confused. You see, I sniffed a lot of glue when I was younger, and...dammit, shut up!). Skeletor, return, said that Guy-la didn't deserve to be there, to which Guy-la replied, "I am rubber and you happen to be glue." Mmmmm, glue.

The immunity challenge came quick in this episode...everything seems to come quick in the finale (insert dirty joke here...I am staying away from it), to make room for two of my favorite Survivor mainstays, which we will get to later. Wow, you can tell its early...know how long it took me to remember the word mainstay? There is that UMASS English degree hard at work. The immunity challenge was, as the Probst put it, "the first Survivor vertical maze," which he seemed to think was a big deal. I didn't see it. I mean, just because it was the first? This was also the first season with a shemale in the running, and he never once mentioned it. That is what really keeps us all tuned in. The challenge itself was pretty uneventful. The funny thing was how even the Probst seems to have given up on Scout. "And there is Scout, giving it her all." Seriously, why is she still there? Seriously, how is she still alive? Seriously, why am I attracted to her? Seriously, I have lost feeling in my left side. Seriously, I must not go towards the light....ok...false alarm. I'm better now.

Turkey Loaf ended up winning and of course promising to keep everyone. Guy-la acted pretty excited about getting rid of Skeletor, and really, who wouldn't? That whole evil overlord thing gets old pretty damn quick, yo. Meanwhile, Scout still felt pretty secure, which blows my mind. Damn, is she sexy. In the end, Turkey Loaf continued his bridge burning and voted off Skeletor. On one hand, I thought it was smart because in the jury, I was pretty sure Skeletor would not vote for Guy-la, but on the other hand, have you ever seen that mo'fo brandish the sword of power? It's something to think about. Skeletor, in finding out she was off, gave her trademark mouth gape, resembling Munch's Scream, and off she went. In her final words, she said that it appeared she didn't have a single alliance...those who live by the sword of power...you know how it goes.

And then came Survivor mainstay (now that I remembered it, I am gonna try to use mainstay as much as I can today) favorite #1: the torches of the fallen. Seriously, this part always makes me laugh. The Probst came and told the Survivors that they had to follow the extinguished torches up to Roy Matta's final resting place. I never mentioned this the first time ol' Roy was brought up, but was there seriously a Vanuatuan chief named Roy? Roy...very intimidating.
"Quick, everyone, flee the village...here comes....Roy? Oh, never mind, We can hang around"

Oh right...the torches. So, this part always makes me laugh mainly because of the reaction to the first few torches. "Oh, remember Brook?" Ummmm...Brook...right...he was the one who used to sleep at night, and then remember when he would get up in the morning? That guy. "How about John P.?" Yup, good ol', um, P-brain...remember when I called him that? No? Well, you must not have been part of the cool clique. Remember now? I thought so. I gotta admit, when they got to Levar Burton's torch, I shed a tear, cuz I'm missin him. I'm still; alright to smile. Levar, I think about you everyday now....The final ones are kinda funny too...because they didn't like any of them. "Remember Ami? Yeah, she was a bitch. Remember Skeletor? Yeah, god, she was a bitch. Remember Bubba? I miss Bubba. No, wait, he was a bitch." Then they got to Roy Matta. Each Survivor had to bring something to offer Roy. They all brought stupid stuff, but Scout treated us to some Native American chant, I believe, which, although I am sure Roy didn't understand (being frOM VANUATU IDIOT!!!) we all knew to mean "Remember Roy Matta? He was such a bitch"

The final immunity challenge was one of endurance, which I like. Each tribe member had to hold a bow and arrow in a warrior pose without falling off these two stumps for as long as they could. Surprisingly, Scout was out first...that's what you get for calling Roy Matta a bitch. Turkey Loaf tried to make a deal with Guy-La, "look, I will dedicate my next album 'I am now a Turkey Loaf out of hell, fool' to you." Guy-la wasn't having any of this , "I HAVE A PENIS!!!" she shouted back. "You go Guy-la", cheered Scout. Turkey Loaf ended up winning. Yay for food!

Turkey Loaf, of course, ended up taking the less-liked Guy-la to the jury with him in tribal council, and Scout gave Turkey Loaf a big smooch on the lips, and I think even tried to swap dentures with Turkey Loaf. Being the only 112 year old ever on the show, she was shocked to find she was the only one with dentures and had to go home without a million dollars and without her teeth. Loser.

Now came favorite Survivor mainstay #2: facing the jury. This is always a treat. Skeletor, using words as her sword, definitely had the speech of the night...calling Twila a bitch...expected, and then calling Turkey Loaf a bitch." The exchange went like this...
"And Turkey Loaf, you a bitch"
"Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?"
"I am calling you a bitch, fool..."
"Oh, no she didn't"
"She did...and what'chu gonna do about it?"
Turkey Loaf then throws his shoe at Eliza...
The audience cheers, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

Other highlights...hot Julie cried, Scout actually made some sense, Leann still had me scratching my head trying to remember her on the show, and Sarge made his final plea to be an extra in the next Alan Jackson video, wearing a shirt that could only be described as so American it makes me wanna puke.

Then, after all the Survivors had cast their vote, the Probst made his best exit/entrance ever. Anyone who has followed Survivor even casually has been witness to this horrid display, but this one took the taco. Probst took the urn, or whatever it is and, with machete in hand...made his way through the thick bush of Vanuatu...only to come out to sunlight on the other side. Leaving us to think that the Probst was walking all night...then...he climbs aboard a small plane...(it was a mail plane...how can you tell? By the two little balls hanging off the bottom...SWISH!) then he says, "this is where I get off" and sky dives over the deserts of California...and just when you think it can't get any more cringe-inducing, he straps the urn onto the back of a motorcycle and hauls off. Remember when riding a motorcycle was cool? Well, forget it...those days are over. Jeff Probst is a bitch.

Back at the studio in CA, Probst arrives to a standing ovation...people are dumb. And we get to see not only Twila with the best hair in the history of Survivor, but da da da dum de dum...Meat Loaf has returned to all his flabby glory. I think we all know who won already...it was Meat Loaf (god, it feels good to say that again...) Oh, and did anyone catch a glimpse of Turkey Loaf's brood? It's a good thing Dad wore his good suspenders and his clean John Deere cap....

One more thing before I go....March 2005....PRINGLES WITH SURVIVOR TRIVIA ON THEM...only three short months...what the hell?

Thanks everyone for reading...
Outgain all you weight back, Out-be-slimy, and out-that's how you win a million
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE XIV: I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT SURVIVOR IS THE BEST SHOW EVER...

Coming back from Tribal Council lastnight, Guy-la was a little perturbed about everyone bringing up the fact that she swore on her son and then went back on that swear when she voted Ami off last week. ""You just keep rubbing salt in the wound. The only one I want to worry about it with is my son when I go home. I'm tired of hearing about it, period! Now I swear on my son that I am not a guy! Dammit, I did it again!"

Hot Julie decided to try and use this little outburst and Guy-la's obvious anger at not being born with female genitalia to lobby Skeletor against Guy-la. "Look, if there is one person on here that I would call the 'He-Man' of the group, it would be her," Julie said. Skeletor, enraged by this, began to glow a bright green and barked, "Must eliminate Guy-la!" Skeletor, however, does take stock in her allegiances and said that she couldn't go against Turkey Loaf, because he still retains a bit of his flab power. So, she told hot Julie that she needed Turkey Loaf to be convinced before she could go along with the "Plan: Vote off the Shemale."

Hot Julie was waiting for the right time to approach Turkey Loaf when the reward challenge came up. It was sort of like a "best of" type challenge where the survivors had to first crawl through mud, then wrassle a pig, then do a puzzle, then go across the balance beam, and then shoot things with a slingshot. The only memories this brought back for me was when Scout's top came off and I vomited on the carpet. Ahhhh, memories light the corner of my BARRRRRFFFF!

Anyways, hot Julie won and of course decided to take Turkey Loaf with her to an overnight thing where they rode horseback up to a volcano, ate hot dogs, drank beer, and watched the volcano do its thing. When they first announced what they would win, I thought they said Pop Rocks, not hot dogs and I was all "Pop Rocks? That sucks." That story sounded a lot better in my head. So do the screams of the innocent. Huh? BANG! Julie also said she had the "funnest" with Turkey Loaf and she got just a little bit hotter in my eyes with that comment.

Of course, hot Julie was trying to get Turkey Loaf to sway her way and vote Guy-la off with her and Skeletor. Turkey Loaf, drunk on hot dogs, definitely started to consider it. Meanwhile, back at Camp Crap, Skeletor was trying to get some bananas that Guy-la buried to ripen and Guy-la wouldn't give them up. So, Skeletor said she would find bananas and bury them herself. And Scout just kept decaying.

When Turkey Loaf and hot Julie came back, everyone was asking Turkey Loaf if everything was still set. He assured Scout and Guy-la that everything was remaining the same. I can't believe no one sees that every time Turkey Loaf lies, his stomach grows. Watch for it. Skeletor pulled Turkey Loaf aside and they discussed things. Turkey Loaf said that they would wait and see what happened at the immunity challenge and figure things out then.

The immunity challenge had the Probst telling us a wonderful story about Roy Matta, a boxer from the 1940's who used to beat his wife and ended up with a hook for a hand. At least that's what I think he was saying. I wasn't really paying attention because I was still cleaning Scout-induced vomit off the carpet. Anyways, the survivors basically had to remember aspects of the story and go to these huts where they had to answer questions. Basically. Anyways, Skeletor won because if there is one thing evil overlords have is a love of stories. Remember that scene in Flash Gordon when he overcame Ming the Merciless by telling him the story of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears? No? You're stupid then.

So, before tribal council, Skeletor was talking to Turkey Loaf about strategy when Guy-la sidled up and heard basically all of their conversation. She's a real sidler. And she has a penis. Have I mentioned that? Turkey Loaf basically told everyone he was keeping them on the island. And his stomach grew. So, everyone thought that Turkey Loaf was keeping them on. But of course he wasn't. Or was he? Or wasn't he? Or he was? Wasn't or he?

At tribal council, the Probst asked Guy-la if there was anyone she thought shouldn't be there. "I swear on my son that I think everyone here is very deserving. Crap." I don't know why someone wouldn't say Scout though. I mean, what is she still doing there? I think they are holding on the hope that she's just going to die at some point.

So, Turkey Loaf ended up voting for hot Julie and now she is gone. And so is her butt. And the world is an emptier place. Sorry Julie's butt.

Until next time
Out-lie, Out-flip-flop, and Out-one more episode, thank God.
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE XI: THE MANY SIDES OF SKELETOR, THE MANY SMELLS OF TURKEY LOAF

First off, let me apologize for not doing the newsletter last week. Due to the Thanksgiving holiday, I was vomiting up turkey and cranberry sauce from 8:00 to 9:00 last Thursday, but just to recap, what's her face was voted off. The End.

Anyways, after tribal council lastnight, Ami was pretty pissed at Guy-la because she swore on her son that she would not go against the alliance or something like that. Guy-la explained as so, "By son, I meant penis, so you can't be too mad at me." Then later she said to the camera, about hot Julie and Ami, "People like that just piss me off because they think they're so better than every- freakin'-body else. We have the power now. I have a great mind sometimes. I love it." And by mind, she meant penis.

Before the reward challenge, we got a nice close-up of Skeletor's skeleton. She was arching her back in a way that made her shoulder blades look like two dorsal fins, which was something. Having hardly any meat on her bones, Turkey loaf crossed her off of his "fun to eat" list. Probst drove up to the reward challenge in a brand new Pontiac G6. He said the winner of the challenge would win the car and would be joined by the second and third placers at a resort with food and showers. The challenge was basically going and retrieving flags in the water and making it back to put them up. Again with the flags. Scout, of course, had a hard time because she is old and old people aren't good at many things, except canasta and figuring out 10% of a restaurant bill. Skeletor ended up coming in first, with Ami and Turkey Loaf coming in second and third. They all piled into the Pontiac and headed to the resort. If I was Skeletor, though, I would have been all "Get your sandy ass feet out of Skeletor's new car before Skeletor call down the thunder on y'all." Skeletor drops it like its hot.

At the resort, Ami tried and tried to sway Skeletor saying how they needed to stick together because they were both pure evil. Turkey Loaf ate. Guy-la and Scout, meanwhile, were sure that Ami would try to sway Skeletor and Turkey Loaf would probably eat. Scout also said how she was mad at herself for being so bad at the challenges. If it was six years ago, she could have beat anyone on the island. Ah, to have the body of a 102 year old. Those were the days.

When the winners came back to camp, everyone was saying how good they smelled and how nice it was that Turkey Loaf didn't smell anymore. What do you guys expect? He is Turkey Loaf. My wife also said she thought Turkey Loaf would be handsome if he cut his hair. I immediately informed her she had a severe alcohol problem and needed to seek help if we were to make it.

Then came the immunity challenge. It was a shuffleboard thing where the tribe members had to land discs on these islands on a board and the person with the most discs touching an island won. Julie, your cruise director, got an early lead, but ended up losing to Turkey Loaf. I feel bad for Julie because she always comes so close to winning something, but then she loses. In fact, she lost twice to Turkey Loaf this episode. I would have given myself to the ocean at that point. So, Turkey Loaf won immunity and my wife's heart.

I wasn't sure which way Skeletor would go at tribal council, since she was wavering from time to time and did not seem to be liking Scout, which I am also feeling. You gotta suck when I am favoring evil incarnate over you. I am looking at you Scout. But not for too long, because it burns my retinas.

At tribal council, Ami and Skeletor shed a tear. Ami said she would miss Eliza and started crying. Then Skeletor said, "Skeletor cry? Skeletor love? Skeletor sad." Again,the subject of Guy-la's peni, um, son came up and she seemed to get a bit perturbed by it. "everyone lies" and "screw you" both came out. Then she peed standing up.

In the end, Skeletor stayed true to her alliance and voted off Ami.

Until next time
Outbackstab, Out-swear-on-your-penis, and Out (I miss Levar Burton, don't you?)
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE X: ROBOCOP NOT FEEL RIGHT, ROBOCOP WANT TO VOMIT, ROBOCOP LOVE YOU MAN

To start the show off, Meatloaf further proved his idiocy by saying to everyone how Sarge told him to vote for him because "everyone else was." Then he informed us that Sarge didn't really say that. He voted for him because he wanted to get on the good side of the women, by telling them that he did it only because Sarge told him to. Now, I am no mathematician, but that makes zero sense. Also, I had to deal with another issue -- with Meatloaf losing so much weight, I don't even know if I can call him that anymore. I was thinking maybe Turkey-loaf. These are my inner conflicts.

Then Scout wakes up early and whispers to Robocop and Turkey-loaf that she has a way for them to stay in the game. I don't know why, but the scene from Kingpin with Woody Harrelson and the old landlady flashed through my mind. Those of you who have seen it know what I am talking about. Those of you who haven't are the lucky ones. Anyways, Scout's big plan was to vote out Skeletor and keep the guys around a little longer. She said it had something to do with the fire, but I think it's because she knows the inevitable "Rule an Evil Empire" challenge is coming up and between Skeletor and Turkey-loaf on that one, I would think Skeletor would take it. She's got experience. And bug eyes.

The reward challenge involved the group breaking into smaller groups of four and tying one person up and moving them through a maze. Sounds stupid, right? Well, Skeletor and hot Julie were the ones tied up and the challenge involved a lot of chest and butt shots, which made it a good time had by all, except for my wife who had to endure "Hey, butt!"s and "Hey, boobs"s for a solid four minutes. Yes, I know ladies. I am quite a catch. Skeletor's tribe won and they got to go watch a whole gaggle of people sell out their culture to Mark Burnett. They went to some village and gave them their pig and then they got a pig in return and then they ate food and then they slept in huts. Yeah. Turkey-loaf peed on the plane on the way over and blamed it on the pig. Oh, and Robocop drank this kava drink thing that made him all messed up. Turkey loaf was saying "Hey, Robocop, you're wasted dawg." Robocop was all, "I am not wasted. I am a machine. Machines do not get wasted. Machines just...just....hahahahaha, dude I'm so wasted." Somewhere, the ed-209 is saying, "Note to self: Robocop can't hang." Robocop! WASTED!

Ami said her favorite part was the kids in the village because they are easy to manipulate. Unfortunately, even kids living in a primitive village know being a barista isn't cool. "Cluck, cluck, ooobooo ooobooo," said one of the children, which I plugged into my Babelfish translator (Vanuatuan to English) and it basically means, "Lady, don't think we are buying this model thing for a minute. Make me a half-caff latte beeyatch."

Meanwhile, back at camp, Scout was trying to convince everyone to vote Skeletor off. They were getting rained on too. And, well, that's about it.
Scout told Robocop and Turkey Loaf of her new plan to vote out Skeletor and Turkey Loaf gave us his thoughts on women, "You question a woman's character, you question a woman's ability, she'll snap your neck. You open up your heart, show a woman you're vulnerable, that's when they start thinking with their heart. That's when they open up that back door. That's what's happened this time." Oh, Turkey Loaf...you suck so bad.

The immunity challenge was an endurance challenge that had the tribe members (heh, member) holding onto poles (hehe, pole) and seeing how long they can stay up (hehe...umm, never mind). It came down to Robocop and Guy-La. I thought Robocop had it with his bionic leg. But Guy-la stole it with her bionic teeth. She was actually holding onto the rope with her teeth. I really don't know what to say about that, to tell the tooth. TO TELL THE TOOTH!!!! Holy crap.

So, Guy-la won immunity and Scout was still lobbying to get rid of Skeletor. Ami, however, made it clear that she was, in fact, a woman, and didn't need no man to help her with no fire, girl. Ami? More like A-pee. I really hate her. She's just so smug. Guy-la was very conflicted because she hates Skeletor, but she still thinks the whole sticking with the women strategy is the best. I think Guy-la may be Prince Adam in disguise. Look at the facts: (1) she hates Skeletor, (2) she is hiding a penis, and (3) have you ever really seen her and Prince Adam in the same room together. Guy-La has the power!!!

So, in the end, they voted off Robocop. At least we can all take solace in the fact that they are all going to Hell for voting for a cripple. Except for Turkey Loaf. He is going to hell for instilling murderous tendencies within my heart. You would think I would be sad, because I am losing all my Robocop jokes, but honestly, making them was getting tougher. I mean, how many ed-209 jokes can someone make?

Until next time
Outkava, Out-hate-ami, and Out-ROBCOP! BANG!
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE IX: WELCOME TO ESTROGEN CITY: POPULATION CRAP

OK, let me get this right off my chest. I do not like the women on this show, with maybe the exception of Guy-la, whose "woman" moniker is still questionable. True, the guys aren't much better, but there is something about this group of women, or as Sarge puts it so eloquently, "Estrogen city." I have been to Estrogen City, by the way. It's not bad if you can put up with all the traffic down the Ovary bypass. The ovary bypass! He shoots, he scores!
On with the show. Of course, the show started with the Paris Hilton cam revealing post-tribal council feelings. Sarge and the guys were not happy with Guy-la and hot Julie because they broke the alliance they had with them. Talking to the camera, Sarge said "They got me. Hats off to them." Thinking we were idiots, Sarge took his hat off to demonstrate what he meant. At the fire the next day was probably one of the funniest scenes in Survivor history. Sarge was sitting by the fire and Scout decided to sit down across from him and start singing. Scout's singing made Sarge make the face like Marky Mark in Fear. "Let me in the house!" Estrogen City! Scout is the worst. I mean, why is she still on that show? She's really old and has flabby grandma arms.
The reward challenge basically gave each tribe member a set of three skulls. The Probst would ask trivia questions about Vanuatu and each time someone got a question right, they could light someone's skull. If you ran out of skulls, you were out of the game. The winner won a picnic on top of a dormant volcano. Hey, Burnett, we get it...the island has a lot of volcanoes...enough already. So, of course, the women went after the men right away and knocked them out. Then, Scout and Guy-la teamed up on Skeletor. Skeletor wasn't happy about that, but Scout assured her it was because of her "brilliance." Yeah, her brilliance at sucking at everything. Yeah! YEAH! In the end, it was between Guy-la and Leann. If only one of the questions was about replacing your car radiator. Leann chose hot Julie to go with her.
Then there was an eruption....of fun!
While the girls were away, the guys talked about how to win over Skeletor to their tribe. "It looks like there is a rift between her and Scout," said Sarge. "Maybe we can use that to our advantage," Robocop pondered. "I like twinkies," Meatloaf mumbled. Robocop! BANG!
When hot Julie and what's her name got back from their picnic, they were all drunk and even more annoying. This was the exchange in the helicopter:
"I really love these people," said Julie
"Me too," answered Leann
"Maybe it's cuz I am drunk"
"Me too"
"I am so annoying and a big pile of lame"
"Me too"
Julie and what's her face brought back some chicken wings and, since the guys were out on the water, they could just give two to each of the girls. They told them to go eat them quick before the guys got back and then they offered the guys the bones. Hear what I said there? They gave two to each of the girls and none for the guys. Estrogen City! BANG! And we got a nice close-up of Scout gumming a chicken bone. And I am still trying to clean up the vomit stain on my rug.
When Skeletor went to pick up the tree mail, she noticed that there was a pig tied to the tree. She was having trouble leading the pig back to camp, and she said "I don't have much experience with animals,' To which I replied, "Oh yeah, what about Beast Man?" Yeah, I talk to my TV. Jealous?
Sarge and Guy-la had their machetes ready to cut off some bacon. "I can smell the fatback cookin' with my cabbage," said Sarge. The tree mail, however, said that basically they must take care of the pig as a pet. Except it said it in a more poetic fashion. I wrote a poem too:
Taking care of a pig
Is a big
Responsibility, so
Go
And Don't be slow
Or you will, umm, be a hillbilly
I am awesome. Seriously, nothing came of the pig. I don't really understand it. Hey, remember that pig from Green Acres, Arnold? That pig was so cool. His last name was Ziffel.
So, the immunity challenge was a puzzle challenge. I won't go into the specifics, but the guys were all out in the first round. Skeletor looked like she was good at it at first, but then at second, she wasn't. "Skeletor no like puzzles." Ami won and made her Ami face. Seriously, she makes this face like she knows everything. How about you pour me a Latte and shut the hell up! I hate her. Estrogen City!
So, the guys thought maybe they had a chance going into tribal council and pushed for it the whole time. Sarge was blaming Jules for snaking Guy-la. Snaking. She was snaked. Yeah. Anyways, it didn't work and Sarge was voted off and with that so goes our own "Sarge of HR," Ellen. We salute you. The weird thing was that of the three guys, Sarge voted for Skeletor, Robocop voted for Julie, and Meatloaf voted for Sarge. I like twinkies.

Until next time
Outconfuse, Out,um,pig?, and out-Estrogen City!
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE VII: READING DON'T HELP NO ONE

So, this week has been a tough one to handle so far...Kerry lost, Pedro is up for free agency, Elton John is developing a sitcom, and now Survivor has deprived me of a major source of jokes...Damn you Probst! But more on that later.

Last night began with Lopevi returning from tribal council to talk about how they all trust each other. While they were discussing things, Julie cuddled up in between Sarge's legs...yeah...read that sentence again. I was kind of grossed out at first, but then I was kind of happy because it allows me to make this next ultimate joke...ahem...
"I wonder if Sarge's private was at attention"
See what I did there? His name is Sarge and, well....ummmm....is this thing on? This also led to a disturbing image of Sarge, Twila, and Julie sunbathing bottomless on the beach. The weird thing was...When both Twila and Sarge got up, they both left imprints on the beach that looked like an uppercase Q while Julie left no such impression...get it? Q that one may have been lost on a few of you...please do not ask me about it later. She's a man baby!

Back at the Yasur camp, Levar Burton was pissed because someone stole his copy of "Rumblefish." Well, ok....he wasn't. But he was upset because he feels that he and Scout are the only ones that do any of the work. Levar feels that Ami, Leann, and Skeletor just sit around on their collective behinds and do nothing. "Take a look, its in a book...and that book is all about me kicking your ass," he said. Skeletor!!!

The reward challenge had the tribe members in a line tossing buckets of water to each other and then filling another bucket with water, which would in turn raise up a flame to light a torch. God, explaining these challenges is my least favorite part of writing these. Does anyone mind if I just forego these minor details and instead focus on my running Skeletor versus Robocop storyline? It's off the hook. Well, anyways, Lopevi won milk, cookies, and chocolate cake. Seriously, could they have given them less cookies?

While they were enjoying their reward, Meatloaf and Robocop were talking about how if Sarge went to the final tribal council, that he would win. Meatloaf also said "Honestly, I think both of you have a leg up on me." They had a good laugh at that. Cripple jokes are funny. Robocop responded with "Yeah, and you'd have a big huge nasty belly up on me." BANG! In addition to his alliance with Robocop, Meatloaf also formed an alliance with hot Julie and Sarge. "If one of them goes, then I would still have two alliances left. And I will tell you, two out of three ain't bad. Two out of three ain't bad"

So, now together for the immunity challenge, the survivors were asked to drop their buffs because they are merging. Remember the days when the merge was exciting? No? I am a loser. So, now they were all fighting for individual immunity and they had to basically race up and grab flags on these platforms in the water and plant them back at the beach, one by one...with the winners of the first round going on to do it again in a final round. Robocop totally was robocopping it out when he almost fell off the platform and then grabbed it with his hands and pulled himself back on. It was hella sweet. Sarge ended up winning. BELLY POWER!

The new tribe then headed back to the Lopevi camp in high spirits. I am not making this next part up. Scout said that she was happy because she missed Twila in "places she can't talk about." Um, eww. I am now proceeding to vomit in my mouth. When they got back to camp, there was cheese and crackers and dried fruit and wine waiting for them. Him and Levar Burton shared a cup and reminisced, "Remember that time in Paris with that waiter. Oh, what was his name?" to which they both said in unison "Pierre." Again, don't ask me about it later. Anyways, actually, Levar was trying to get Sarge to vote off Ami with him...I wonder if his private was at attention...hahahahaha

Then they all painted a flag and renamed their tribe Alinta - which means fire people - thanks to Scout. Hippie. And they all started painting each other. My wife pointed out that Julie painted a heart on her with the word "Jeff" in the middle of it. I dismissed this as pure coincidence and she could not be talking about "The Probst," but it was later revealed that it was exactly who she was referring to. Julie is a prostitute.

The big question was whether the women would stick to their alliance or if "Guy-la" and hot Julie would remain loyal to their new alliance with the men. Guy-la...I can't believe it took me this long to come up with that one. In the end, they voted off Levar Burton, which makes me sad....

Butterfly in the sky I can go twice as high Take a look It's in a book A Reading Rainbow
I can go anywhere Friends to know And ways to grow A Reading Rainbow
I can be anything Take a look It's in a book A Reading Rainbow A Reading Rainbow ...sniff

Au revior Levar, au revoir. Just like that. At least I made it through without one Roots joke...good for me.

Until next time
Outmerge, Outbackstab, and please get the image of Guy-la and Scout out of my head!
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE VII: MOMMY, WHAT DOES SHE MEAN "PARTNER"?

Last night began with the Lopevi tribe members complaining about John K’s laziness around the camp. Everyone, they claimed, was doing something. Twila was carrying firewood. Sarge was cooking the meals. Robocop was keeping them safe from the ED-209. But there was John K., being lazy. Again, we have seen this strategy fail time and again. I expected more from a mechanical bull operator. Meatloaf was all “Hey, look, it wasn’t easy for me to make albums and go on tour and still manage to take as many drugs as I could find and eat every Twinkie they had in the Shop N’ Save down the street, but I still did it. I’m a bat out of hell.” Robocop! BANG!

At Yasur, Levar Burton was informed, despite his desire to raise the literacy level in Vanuatu, that the women were going to stick together because no woman’s alliance had made it through to the end of Survivor. Levar hated this because they were chosing Skeletor over him. “All Skeletor wants is to rule Eternia. He will do whatever it takes. Even in the Christmas He-Man episode, when you think Skeletor may be nice, he’s not. Is anyone listening to me? Have you ever read the Mouse and the Motorcycle by Beverly Cleary...?” Sometimes, I don’t even get me, so don’t feel bad. Levar, meanwhile said that he would burn the camp down or something if he was voted off. No wonder PBS fired his ass.

The reward challenge had the tribe members filling coconuts with water and bringing them through a big obstacle course and filling these bottles with water, and…have you stopped caring? Me too. The funniest comment of the night came from my buddy Frank, who noticed while Robocop was making his way through the obstacle course, Probst said “Chad is on the last leg.” Chad is on the last leg….Awesome. Anyways…Yasur ended up winning even though Leann first forgot to bring the bottle back with her when she finished and she also tripped almost spilling all the water. Chad is on the last leg.

So, Yasur won coffee and croissants at a coffee shop and the chance to bring the coffee maker back to camp for coffee…said coffee four times there. At the coffee shop, they got to look at pictures of their family and received letters from home, which I love. Looking at the pictures was pretty boring, except for the fact that all of Scout’s pictures from when she was a little kid were etched in stone by a mini-pterodactyl (I spelled that right the first time…take that spellcheck!). Then they all read their letters from home. Scout again shined here, receiving a letter from her “partner,” and I don’t think she meant bridge partner…OH NO! DID I JUST GO THERE? I DID. Eliza read her letter out loud, presumably to intimidate the other tribe members:

Dear Skeletor,
How are you? What is ↑? N2MH. Today was the craziest day. While Trap-Jaw and I were trying to keep Snake Mountain safe from He-Man and that piece of crap Orko (since you decided it would be a good idea to take a little vacation for yourself…but I’m not bitter) SNNNARRRL! Umm, oh yeah, so up comes Stinkor, right, and he just took a bath. And I’m all “Stinkor. What the hell! Your one power is the power of stink and now you take a bath. Stinkor? More like ummm Geek-or.” Can you believe I said that? Anyways, Stinkor got all mad and went off in a huff. After He-Man left, I went in and talked to him. And he said he is tired of being the “smelly” villain. I bit off a piece of his arm. LOL. He’s feeling much better now. Anyways, I should run. TTYL.

Kisses,
Beast Man

P.S. Bring me back a T-shirt.

Yes, for anyone wondering, she read the arrow symbol out loud…back off!

Ami actually got a pretty sad letter about her brother. There wasn’t much funny about it, so I will move on.

Levar Burton ended up drinking way too much coffee and being all annoying. But he said he was pumped to go into the immunity challenge because he read in a book that coffee gives you energy. Butterfly in the sky! And back at Lopevi, hot Julie took a break from being naked to tell Twila that Sarge had aligned with her, to which Twila remarked, “I am a guy.” Anyways, that little trick made Twila not trust the guys and align with hot Julie.

The immunity challenge involved shooting a slingshot at tiles and breaking them. Anyways, Levar kicked ass and Yasur won. Lopevi was faced with the task of voting someone off. Even though John K. tried to win over Twila and Julie by promising to continue to do nothing, they were not convinced and John K. was voted off. He ended the show by saying he hoped Meatloaf would win because Paradise by the Dashboard Light was the song he first gelled his hair to.

Until next time,
Outnap, Out-more-Skeletor-jokes please, and Out THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE VI: I WAS HATING THIS EPISODE, BUTT SOMETHING CHANGED MY MIND....IT WAS A BUTT

The show last night started with Levar Burton being all, 'You all need to respect my authoritay and not be such a bunch of idiots' to the other members of his tribe because he was upset Bubba had to leave before he could teach him how to read. So, he just starts being an ass to everyone in the tribe, which to me seems an awesome strategy. Chicks dig jerks. He actually continued this the next day as well, saying he was sorry for his behavior the night before, but he wasn't going to do any work unless he had a chance of going to tribal council. "Your sty is my sty," he said. So he also basically made fun of their camp too. Butterfly in the sky!

Back at the other tribe, while Twila was demonstrating the correct way to operate a power sander, her and Julie talked about how they were definitely a minority, especially Twila, being the only shemale.

Then they received some tree mail that said the reward challenge would involve mud.
You see, kids, back in the old days, the Vanuatuans didn't have access to wood like you and me, so they build their houses out of mud.
No they didn't Dad, they used sod.
Yes, and when they ran out of sod, they used mud.
I think I messed that quote up....moving on.

So they basically had to wrassle some muddy, stinky pigs and pen them...and I'm not talking about Anna Nicole Smith and Rosie O' Donnell . OH SNAP! I DID NOT JUST GO THERE! DID I? I DID. And they would win steak and eggs. PETA would have loved this one. Something tells me they were wishing they kept Bubba at this point. Lopevi jumped to an early lead, thanks to Meatloaf. Actually, once the pigs got a look at him, they basically surrendered.
I want pork.
I need pork.
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna diet.
Now don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad.
Yasur, meanwhile, was struggling because Robocop used the shiny metal on his leg to blind and confuse Skeletor, who was forced to quit due to a lack of evil henchmen. Robocop! BANG! So Lopevi won and ate steak and eggs. Oh, and John K. was there I think.

Levar Burton was psyched at Skeletor's ability to suck so bad. I mean, you gotta figure if
you go into a tribe with Skeletor and you are Levar Burton you would be thinking it is pretty much over. "I am an evil genius bent on world domination." "I have a copy of 'Superfudge' in my back pocket." Death! I wouldn't blame Skeletor one bit. But, incredibly, Levar saw someone else in the hot seat and was psyched.

Julie officially cemented herself as my favorite survivor by saying "I really need to tan my ass" and removing the bottom of her bathing suit. (I wish Tivo could erase those blurs. Not only would I see Julie's butt, but I would finally know what that says on Snoop Dogg's shirt in the "Nuthin' But a 'G; Thang" video.) Robocop responded by saying "Once you go cyborg, you never go, um, you never go...sensory overload! Abort! Abort!" Sarge tried to impress her with his ability to drool. John K. was there I think.

While Sarge and Twila were playing fetch the banana, Sarge invited Twila into his alliance. Sarge said he really liked Twila and would "put a dress on her because she is a lady." It sounded like he was really trying to convince himself. Probably because she was up on his shoulders and he looked up and saw...the truth. Finkle is Einhorn. Finkle is Einhorn!

The immunity challenge was an underwater one that seemed actually pretty tough. They had to move tiki pieces along a rope to the end and then people had to do the puzzle. Scout, of course, volunteered to do the puzzle because she is old and old people love puzzles, and denture cream.

Lopevi won because Leann couldn't do it. Skeletor was psyched because now someone else sucked. If suckiness was a mythical land, then Leann would be like Eliza's Hordak-not really as evil (or sucky) as Skeletor, but still able to whip She-Ra's ass. I loved Ram Man. Right? Right? Whoa. Um, go Red Sox.

And John K. was there I think.

At Yasur, Ami was not happy with Lisa. "There ain't room for four fake boobs on this island," she bounced. Actually Lisa said something that bugged Ami. Ami contends it was something about Lisa saying something about Ami not being there, but I suspect it was because she likes Boyz II Men. Don't you love how I have basically created this alternate Survivor universe? Pretty soon, it won't even have anything to do with the show and will probably consist of stories about Skeletor and Meatloaf in an epic battle with Robocop and that dude with the low voice from Boyz II Men. I'm working on the script now. It's a period piece.

Oh, so Lisa ended up being voted off. I hope we have all learned a valuable lesson here. Survivor is not a good show.

Until next time
Go Red Sox, Yankees Suck, and "St' Louis Cardinals? More like the St' Louis FART-inals"
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE V: I GOT THE FEVER FOR THE FLAVOR OF NOT BEING GOOD AT ANYTHING

I feel like I write this next sentence every week.
The show began with people complaining. Gah, every week! Anyways, the guys on the Lopevi tribe were complaining about sleeping position. Robocop was saying that Bubba had the prime sleeping spot and they should develop a rotating sleep schedule so everyone could get a chance at it. Bubba refused. Let me repeat that again...Bubba refused....a cripple. Not only a cripple, but Robocop. Robocop should have toasted his chubby ass...BANG! Robocop! At least John K's hair keeps getting bigger...hmm. Speaking of John K., I got a problem with the fool. He is referred to on cbs.com as a mechanical bull operator/model...just like Ami's Barista/model status. Look, man, you operate a mechanical bull...that's it. Just because the bar puts you on the flyers, that don't make you a model. Brush your hair.
Then, both tribes were visited by another dude who decided to sell out his culture by bestowing some sacred Vanuatu symbol on a Survivor contestant. Both tribes were confused but basically understood that they were looking for some sort of chief-figure. The guys nominated Sarge, who took off his pants in gratitude. The girls nominated Scout. That makes sense, since, you know, she blew so many challenges so far. I would have chosen Skeletor...I know she hasn't caught He-Man yet, but she's gotten a lot closer than Scout. But why did they choose a chief? No one knows...Perhaps because...holy crap..earthquake! Yup, there was an earthquake last night and guess what...Lisa's boobs still didn't move. Told you. Bubba, meanwhile, appeared to be made of jello.
At the reward challenge, we finally found out why they nominated a chief. There is going to be a little reshuffling going on. Basically, one chief would divide up the members into co-ed tribes while the other would get to choose which one they would take. How did they decide who got to do what? Kickboxing. (actually, it was rock, paper, scissors...don't you wish it was kickboxing though?)
So Sarge won and decided to choose the tribe while Scout did the dividing. Since there were more girls, Lisa was left at the end with no tribe, so she got to pick which tribe she went to and she chose the new Yasur tribe which now consisted of Lisa, Ami, Skeletor, Leann, Levar Burton, and Travis. The new Lopevi lineup was Robocop, Meatloaf, Julie, Twila, and Sarge. By the way, Julie is becoming the survivor I would most like to see naked (hmmmm, foreshadowing anyone?) while Twila remains the survivor I would most like to change my oil.
The reward challenge was going to be a diving challenge where the survivors dove for...stuff. The most stuff wins. Bubba sat it out because he sinks. They were playing for Pringles and beer. I mean, come on...can you insult these people anymore? "I know we can afford to give you basically anything, but here is what we think of you...have a pringle and shut your mouth." I got the fever. Umm, Lopevi won and ate Pringles and beer. Wow, spelling check automatically capitalizes Pringles...Doritos, Tostitos, fritos...ah, no respect for the Fritos. Anyways, Twila was very happy about this new tribe because, well, she has a penis.
While those guys bonded, swam, and popped and couldn't stop, the Yasur tribe welcomed their new members. Well, everyone except Ami, who didn't want to show them anything because she cannot play nice. And then Levar Burton read them "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" to play to their feminine side. I can fly twice as high!
At the beginning of the immunity challenge, Bubba tried to signal to Meatloaf that he wanted him to, I don't know, throw the race or something. Meatloaf responded by saying, "I would do anything for Bubba, but I won't do that. No No. I won't do that." Then Bubba ate his hand.
The challenge was a relay race to build an outrigger canoe and paddle out, collect a flag, and paddle back. At first, Lopevi was winning the race with a large margin due to Levar Burton never having read a book on untying knots, but thanks to John K and Robocop's horrendous paddling, it became pretty close. John K. was actually yelling at Robocop. BANG! Anyways, it got pretty close and I was actually getting into it...on the edge of my seat. Then I punched myself in the stomach for being such a suck. Then Lopevi won.
So Yasur had to vote off someone and it was Bubba. No big surprise. Skeletor argued to keep the guys on because she wanted their strength. Ummmm...hello, you are Skeletor. Maybe she confused Bubba for Beastor...Oh, and Bubba thinks maybe the Yankees will hire him to do signals. Bubba, you didn't do a signal. You said "remember the merge." I don't think the Yankees want you yelling "Steal second, steal second!" Moh-ron.
So Bubba is gone...at least we will always have Bob Barker. By the way, I am predicting John K. and Julie hook up...by John K. I mean John Kerry, the presidential nominee. He said in the last debate that he "dug pigtails..."

Until next time
Outmerge, Outpaddle like a jerk, and outROBOCOP.BANG!
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE IV: YOU GUYS JUST GOT YOUR A**ES KICKED BY A BUN CH OF NERDS!

I have a riddle for you. What has, so far, been the most boring season of Survivor ever?
.....
.....
.....
Give up? It's this one. Hey, my strengths aren't in riddles, ok?
Last night started with Eliza, or as I like to refer to her, "Skeletor," yelling at Lisa for going against the tribe. Can you believe that? Talk about your classic case of pot and kettle. Good thing Lisa could invoke the power of Grayskull to overthrow the evil Skeletor. Her henchmen Beastor and Stinkor were no match against the power of good, and...huh? Yay! yet another joke that no one else will understand and I can beat to death. Just to catch you up...Lisa is Skeletor and...well, that's it.
In the real world, Lisa actually told Skeletor that she didn't trust her and Skeletor called her a bitch. I don't remember the word bitch ever being thrown around so carelessly on any other season of Survivor. You would think that would make it interesting....it doesn't.
Lopevi isn't faring much better these days either...especially Sarge and Levar Burton. Again proving that Sarge hates to read and Levar Burton hates to have a career after Reading Rainbow. John K. and Brady, fearing for their lives, were beginning to try and sway the older guys to vote for Rory based on the fact that they are younger and more athletic. Unfortunately, saying you are younger and more athletic than someone doesn't always win their favor...dumbasses. Plus, Rory and Sarge have belly power! Having Robocop on your team could come in handy too...hopefully they will have a challenge where the tribe members have to save cities of the future...I think he would really shine there.
When the guys received the tree mail for the reward challenge, it showed that the challenge would be like a memory game, to which Bubba responded "I'm so friggin good at these." Hmmm, I doubt it Bubba. There are probably some things you are "friggin good" at - shotgunning beers, making bologna sandwiches, wasting space - but games that test your brain? I don't know. The girls ended up winning because, well, they found more matches....stay with me. And what did they win? A black man. Yup....and I'm leaving that one alone.
They really did win a man...and his name was Dah. When he showed up at their camp, they were surprised that he didn't waste any time with pleasantries. I wasn't. You know why? Because when Lisa first met him, she said "hola." She actually said "hola." Lisa is now my least favorite person on this show. And she further cements this later...in 45 words...wait for it. So, Dah taught the Yasur tribe the ways of the island...how to gather food like an islander, fish like an islander, and love like an islander...oh yeah! Which explains why they were sad when he left. In fact, they were so sad, (here it comes) that Lisa broke into "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men. See how they put a "II" in there instead of "to"...that's crazy! Seriously, she sang a gospel song when someone she just met yesterday was leaving. Gah. I mean, I can't like you if you do this...Lisa, you have won most annoying character on Survivor. What have you won? Weeks worth of ridicule...good for you.
Back at the guy's camp, Brady got the idea to try and fish to win the respect of his peers. Instead, he sucked at it. Looks like you didn't think this one through Brady.
Then came the immunity challenge. Another puzzle. This time each tribe picked one member to be the eyes and they had to put the pieces in a way that no symbols or colors were repeated in any row or column. It was way exciting. The Lopevi tribe picked Levar Burton to be their eyes, probably because they figured his eyes were strong from reading so much...the Yasur tribe picked Skeletor because she was evil and evil people always have good eyesight...The girls won and the guys lost.
So, now the younger guys had to try and fight to survive. I already explained their plan...didn't work. John K. continually told the older guys that he was more athletic and better looking than the other members. I can't believe that didn't work. Levar Burton also tried fishing, on land. When he was told "You won't catch anything that way!" He responded, "You know what I've caught? The reading bug!" BANG! Robocop!
So, at tribal council, of course, they voted out a youngster - Brady.
As an aside, although I think it is a stupid strategy and it could mean the death of my guy, John K., I gotta thank the older guys because they are getting rid of everyone that is tough to write about. If they succeed in getting rid of John K. (which I am not sure will happen since they look to be doing a merge thing next week), then all that would be left in that tribe would be Robocop, Meatloaf, Levar Burton, and Sarge....Seriously, that's a sitcom. This whole Lopevi thing has sort of a Revenge of the Nerds type vibe to it, doesn't it. "You know something. I'm out of shape and I'm old and, well, I'm pretty proud of it. No one will really be free until nerd persecution ends"

Until next week
Outflab, Outsuck, and Out-of-shape guys are taking over,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE III: WHERE FOR ART THOU, ROBOCOP?

First off, I want to apologize for not writing my newsletter last week...Things just got ahead of me and you didn't miss much anyways, except for the hot chick being voted off...I would have probably said something stupid like "Goodbye Dolly!" which I would have thought funny, but others may have not found it quite as humorous. Which makes no sense, since I rule.
Last night started off with some cattiness and dare I say bitchyness among the girls. No way...girls can be catty? First, Mia was pissed that Eliza voted for Dolly when everyone in her alliance was all "no, don't vote for Dolly." Then, Mia was pissed at Twila for saying they don't work hard. I have come to a conclusion....Mia sucks...You heard it first here folks.
The guys also had a little tension over in their tribe. Sarge hates reading and, therefore, hates Levar Burt...I mean Rory.
Sarge is all "Are you gonna start helping us build a house, Private Pyle?"
And Rory was all "Well, I have this wonderful book on building houses...come take a look its in a..."
"Do you think I'm cute Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?"
"I brought oranges"
BANG! Robocop!
"Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high"
Jeff Probst blew my mind!!! The reward challenge was also an immunity challenge last night. I know what you're saying. "They've done that before Wayne." You know what I say? Stop interrupting, ass. Probst said that both tribes would have to be voting people off tonight. Crazy!!! The reward challenge would be followed by an individual immunity challenge where one member of the winning team could gain immunity from being voted off. There was something about gates and sand and locks and ladders....and then Lopevi (the guys) won the reward and John K. won the debate....err, ummm, the immunity. And then Probst seriously made me wet my pants. He then said that John K. would be going over to the ladies camp and could bestow his immunity on one lucky lady. Did he take sexual favors or anything cool like that? No, he divided up the group between the Dolly voters and the non Dolly voters. John K? More like "John Hey" as in "hey, you should ask for sexual favors." Is this thing on?
John P. (pee) and Brady, meanwhile, were trying to get Sarge to vote for Rory, since Sarge hates to read. The younger girls...Mia, Eliza, Julie, and Lisa...were all trying to figure out whether to vote for Twila or Scout. Since Mia is the loudest and the suckiest girl, she convinced everyone to vote for Twila....or did she? Or she did? Did or she? Muahahahahaha
The guys had the first tribal council and John P. (pee) was voted off, even though Brady continued to butter Sarge up in the tribal council. He said that Sarge was "a really personable guy" and "people should get to know him" and that he had a "really nice ass" and if they weren't on the island he would "date him." Regardless they voted off John P. (pee) and his weak ass Owen Wilson impression. That's what you get for listening to Linkin Park...sinner.
The girls' tribal council started off with John K. giving Ami the immunity necklace because she had the biggest boobs. John K? More like "John Way" as in "way to go." At the council...the whole Twila-Mia thing was brought up...Mia said that Twila was very mean and Twila said that she wanted to get her hair braided and her nails done because she didn't have a "feminiminim" side. Then she grabbed her package. The votes were counted and everyone was surprised that Mia received the majority. That means that someone switched...who could it be? Will we ever know? Who betrayed who? It's a mystery...actually, no its not. It was Lisa. I was a little disappointed that no one wrote "Mia? More like See ya" on their ballot. But I was also surprised that no one wrote "John 'drinks his own' P." on their ballot either. Writing stuff on ballots is fun...and I still can make Reading Rainbow jokes. Reading Rainbow is this year's Mortal Kombat...basically jokes that only I think are funny and therefore will be consistently using them and making people hate me.


Until next time
Outtwist, outshock, and out "Robocop better start being more vocal. I need to make more Robocop jokes. Robocop!"

Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE I: ROBOCOP, MEATLOAF, AND TOPLESSNESS...and it was still boring??

I said this last season, but obviously no one got my memo. YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE FIRE! I mean, come the hell on. How can no one have prepared for this?
But I am getting ahead of myself. The show started with our survivors being brought to the island in a dramatic fashion (who'd have seen that coming?) You know, I love that CBS expects us to think "oh no, are these people going to get eaten?" Like anything that cool would ever happen on CBS. Maybe on Fox.
The tribe members are brought to the island by natives in canoes....and then all of a sudden...OH NO!...natives run out of the woods with spear in hand and attack our beloved tribe members. I'm not positive, but I think they were offended by the Bob Barker shirt that Travis was wearing. Not because of Bob Barker, himself (who, rumor has it, is actually a God in some parts of this island) but because it did so little to hide Travis' "whip cream in a trash bag" physique.
All the tribe members then are treated to a quaint little ceremony involving some sort of mud drink and lots of pig's blood...Apparently the pig is a sacred symbol in the Vanuatu tribes. So sacred that he gets slaughtered in their welcoming ceremony. Note to self: If the Vanuatu start considering you sacred, it's not a good thing. While the other members winced when the pig was beheaded, Dolly actually put forth a hearty "yee-haw!" and broke into the achy-breaky. You see, Dolly is a hick and hicks love slaughtering pigs...and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yee haw, indeed.
Then a huge twist....mega-huge..super duper huge!. The tribes are going to be split into,
get ready for it....
boys versus girls....
wow, how original. They have never done that before. You know what would be a neato idea? They should do a segment where the tribe members receive letters from home...right, right?
Anyways, at the ceremony, the women were all pissed about the men being able to pee standing up or something...isn't that always the case? Well, that's what all the comedians say...and they never lie, right? I mean, really, what is the deal with airplane bathrooms? Oh, and there was something about shimmying up a pole covered in pig fat to retrieve some sort of stone that would bring good luck. Now, there's a sentence I would have never thought I would write. Brady grabbed the stone...good for Brady.
Then the tribes both had to go search for the camps...and, another surprise, there was tension among the tribes. While the men were looking for their camp, Rory was all "Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high" and Brook was all "huh? Look man, I just wanna keep walking" and Rory was like "take a look, it's in a book...a Reading Rainbow" Then they kept walking. They cut to Brook saying that "Rory, I don't think he's gonna fit in. There's one in every bunch" This from a guy whose favorite scent is "woman."
Some of the girls, meanwhile, had the idea to pull over and rest, or as Scout put it "Leyet's awl git too know eech othur" And Dolly decided to join her too, still weak in the knees from all the excitement of the slaughter. But the other girls, with Eliza as lead beeyatch, were all "No way are those men going to beat us, now stop being such a big bunch of sucks and get going....sucks!" It was something like that...I don't really know...I was flicking back and forth to a VH1 special about Jenna Jameson....did you know she was 16 when she won her first wet t-shirt contest?
Of course, they both made it to their respective camps. The next day, some members of the Yasur (women) tribe were making a shelter (Twila, Leann, and Scout) while the others just sort of hung out. Again, this happens every time...if you work, people will like you...If you just sit around, and get tan and wet and wrestle around and get all wet and tan and...huh. Build your shelter.
While the guys were taking a break from building their shelter, Chad decided to tell them all that he was actually Robocop, which made him pretty cool. He was like "Hey, I am Robocop." And the guys were like "Look, Robocop was good, but why did you make all those sucky sequels?" And then Chris said "OK, I'm not Robocop, but I have a metal leg"...So John K. said "That's awesome" I didn't make that part up...He actually said it was awesome. I am sure Chris was like "Yeah, it is pretty awesome that I had cancer and lost my leg. You know what else is awesome? SMACK!" Robocop rules. Back at the girl's camp, Twila revealed that she is actually a man...which was equally as exciting, but received less coverage.
Then the reward and immunity challenge came up. The reward was some fire stuff, because these people are dumb. They had to crawl through mud, then do some labyrinth thing, and then walk across a balance beam and then light a fire. Hmmm, makes sense to me. The upside? A nice closeup of Dolly's backside while she shimmied across the beam. The downside? Scout's top came off. Thank god for television blurring or all this newsletter would have said was "I don't know who got voted off because I was vomiting up the enchilada I ate earlier."
At the end of the challenge, Meatloaf, er, I mean, Chris was having a tough time crossing the beam. Robocop didn't have that hard of a time. Scout didn't have that hard of a time, but Meatloaf did. You suck Meatloaf! He never made it and the girls won.
Then at tribal council, did he get voted off? Hell no. It came down to Rory, Chris, and Brook. Apparently, they hate guys that have names that could be girl names. Brook lost because, well, I don't really know.
So that's it...my Mortal Kombat jokes have been replaced by Robocop, Reading Rainbow, and Meatloaf jokes...to everything...turn, turn, turn.

Until next time
Outbore, Outsnore, and I can see paradise by the dashboard light,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU KICK-OFF

This is the first in a series of flashback posts designed to let people take a little stroll down memory lane and relive all that was, erm, other seasons of Survivor.

Well well well...here we are again. It seems like only yesterday we were in that other place talking about what-his-name and who's-her-face and why's-her-uh, butt. Those were really good times and I have been instructed to say that I am writing this newsletter of my own free will. Yes, well...
So, I figured before the big show this Thursday, I would write a nice kick-off newsletter for you all to get acquainted with our new tribe members. And, believe me, we have some winners here...big time. As you remember, I said last time I did a kick-off that the other newsletters would not be as long. As you may also remember, I lied. So let's not kid ourselves.
Let's Get started...shall we? We shall....

Ami C - In addition to spelling her name with that annoying "i" at the end, Ami further proves she is useless by being both a barista and a model. What is a barista, you ask? You know those people that screw up your caramel macchiato at Starbuck's..that's her. When she's not busy rifling through the tip jar for quarters to call her local radio station for tickets to the next Natalie Merchant show, Ami is busy modeling....uh huh. Just because you say you're a model, that doesn't make it so....Maybe she is referring to those polaroids Starbuck's now puts up to get us better acquainted with our coffee monkeys, er, baristas. Her favorite snack food is her dad's beef jerky...the joke referring to this is only for those who are part of our adult forum, which you can join by sending me $19.95...its worth it just for the dirty drawings I did of Ambah from last season...they rule.

Brady - Brady sucks...Seriously...I guarantee he is going to suck. His favorite scent? "Any perfume on the neck of a beautiful woman." His favorite flower? "Whatever she likes" His favorite fruit is "I hate fruit, but I love women!" His favorite color? "I wanna have sex with lots of women to prove I'm not gay green. YEAH LADIES!"

Brook - As funny as Brady's favorite scent was, Brook definitely shines in this category. Brook's favorite scent is "Woman." His hobbies are ice hockey, working out, and date rape. By the way, Brook's favorite movie actress is Britney Spears. Brook is looking forward to being shot....by me. Brook is from MA...yay, we look stupid.

Chad - Due to cancer, Chad had to have his leg amputated, which is sad, but he does have a new leg, which is cool because it makes him like a pirate. Which you all know I love...ARRRRRR MATEY! Actually, you may think this is a cop out because of the cancer thing, but he his favorites are hard to make fun of....his favorite video game is Donkey Kong...so rock on...ARRRRRRR!

Chris - Chris enjoys four wheeling in his jeep and going to NASCAR races. I assume his other hobbies include wearing stained shirts, tipping cows, and eating bologna sandwiches, but that is just a hunch. His biography reads, "Daugherty currently resides in South Vienna, Ohio, with his fiancée, Lorie, and his pet lizard." Yup, pet lizard....Chris is gonna go far in this game.

Dolly - Has a stupid name. Oh, and "while she would give up her sheep for six months in order to get a $1 million, she wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize her spot in heaven." In other words, Dolly will be boring...

Eliza - Nothing funny about Eliza...Sorry I tried. I was going to make some correlation about her liking Sex on the Beach to the fact that Survivor is on the beach which could in turn mean that she will, in fact, have sex on the beach, but as I began to write it, I started to hate myself and went to the bathroom and cried...You know what's funny? Midgets. Midgets are funny.

John K. - is not running for president. Just so we avoid any confusion.

John P. - hehe, pee. John's music tastes range from the crappy poser rock stylings of Linkin Park to the crappy poser rock emo stylings of Nickelback to the crappy mainstream rock of Staind. It is much more positive to focus on the fact that his name ends in a bodily function.

John Q. - is a powerful drama which stars Academy Award winner Denzel Washington as a father who takes extreme measures to save his son's life when his insurance company refuses to cover his heart transplant surgery.

Julie - When I saw Julie's picture, I thought maybe she could be hot, but then I saw that Butterfly Effect was one of her favorite movies and she became very, very ugly.

Lea - "Sarge," as people who are afraid of him call him, says that "while he would run throughout Times Square naked to get a $1 million, he wouldn't do anything that involved lethal consequences for the money." Pardon me , sarge, but isn't running through a busy street naked a sexual offense? Yeah, got him....score: Wayne: 1, Sarge: 0.

Leann - has pretty eyes. Her favorite cookies are listed as "Twix, Kit Kat, Heath, and Caramello" and her favorite candy bars are 'chocolate chip, white chocolate chip". Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! For those of you paying attention, typos=comedy!

Lisa - Lisa is a born again Christian that makes homemade soap. I look forward to taunts of " Hey Churchy, we are dirty. Make us some soap!" I really hope that happens.

Mia - I can't tell if Mia is hot. Is she? I watched her video and I still can't tell. If she's not hot, I would say "Mia? More like Pee-a." If she is hot, I would say something like "Oh, Mamma Mia!" so you see its important that I find out.

Rory - Encourages you to take a look, it's in a book...A Reading Rainbow. Doesn't he look like the Reading Rainbow dude? No? Well, I had nothing else to write about him, so BACK OFF!

Scout - Is an old hippie who I assume people are going to be begging the Christian soapmaker to help. "Hey Churchy! That crunchy old hippie hag stinks...conjure up some of your born again voodoo and make her some soap!" Her favorite scents are "patchouli oil, the smell of Papa's hair" The patchouli is a given. Hippies like to smell like dirt. But Papa's hair? Maybe she means Papa Gino. Because I assume his hair does smell pretty good too...like pizza...hmmm, I like this chick now.

Travis - Travis is what happens to wrestlers after one suplex too many. "Sampson currently works in loss prevention at Wal-Mart." Superfly Snooka, where are you now? Travis does have one good thing going for him. He listed Don Knotts as one of his favorite actors. Anyone who puts Mister Ferley in their top three is alright with me.

Twila - loves to go mushroom hunting. Make of that what you will, but I knew a kid once who did that and took one of the mushrooms and thought he was a glass of orange juice. He had to stay still for eight hours so he wouldn't spill...oh, and she has a son.

As I think we have learned in the past, my descriptions really only touch on a piece of what each of our tribe members have to offer. I am sure they will show us that they suck even more than I have discovered, so we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Wayne