YOUR SURVIVOR FIJI FINALE: HOW DID I NOT COMMENT ON CASSANDRA’S TEETH BEFORE?

So, I just want all of you to know that, at the risk of pissing my brain off, I opted to watch the entire Survivor finale instead of the Sopranos. I haven’t felt this bad about a decision since I opted to drink a whole pint of Tequila in the Lincoln Tunnel (Malden…represent!) with only a bottle of Mountain Dew as a chaser. That night, I learned what dignity looked like because I expelled it all over the side of my house. Underage drinking is not a joke, my friends. You ever try hosing your dignity off your mom’s house at 6 in the morning because you have to do it before she wakes up? Dignity lingers, man. It lingers.

Don’t even try and pretend you ain’t gonna miss this.

After the last tribal council, Yao Ming and Earl both were feeling the sting of not being let into the “vote Yao off” plan. Earl said, “Obviously it's time for me to protect myself. It's all about cannibalism now.” You know, whereas before it was all about rainbows and puppy dogs and ice cream and puppy dogs eating rainbow ice cream. After this discussion, Earl then went over to talk to Cassandra about her vote. “Why did you vote for Yao Ming?” asked Earl. To which Cassandra replied, "...” Of course, the questioning ended there, because Earl was immediately terrified of Cassandra’s CHOMPING POWER!! Seriously, have you taken a hard look at those teeth? My goodness, those things are huge. No wonder she doesn’t say much…I am sure moving those things up and down takes a lot of effort. Cassandra? More like Ca-HOLY FRICK YOUR TEETH ARE HUGE!

Yao Ming also, at this point, realized that the truck-for-immunity deal he made with Kelly Kapowski has made him a target. Especially of Jeff’s, the guy Kelly dated at the Max around the time of the costume ball – mainly because he’s never forgotten Kelly even after he was caught kissing that girl at the Attic, an ‘over-18” club, causing him to fade into the nothing. After that brief interlude, he went deep into isolation and soon learned the powers of the black arts. Although meant for good (such as pulling flowers out of a hat for Jessie, or pulling flowers out of a hat for Lisa, or pulling flowers out of a hat for Violet Anne Bickerstaff), the magic he learned from his brief time spent with Max was soon used for a more evil purpose – to move the cosmos in an effort to do his bidding. And he waited, patiently, until his moment arrived…and soon, the voices of evil commanded him to go to Hollywood and change his last name…from Hunter to…duh duh duh…PROBST!!!!!11111 And now, now his time has come. Ahhhh, look out Yao!

Heh…wow, now that was a waste of words right there.

So, ahem, next came the immunity challenge. THE DEVIL JEFF HUNTER explained that the Survivors would be assigned uniquely shaped medallions and had to make their way through five sets of mazes. In each maze was a key station with keys marked with symbols resembling the medallions. These keys then unlocked specific drawbridges, which led over water into the next maze. The first one to make it to the end wins immunity. But wait…THE GREAT HORNED ONE explains they have to do this blindfolded. You still not with me on the whole devil thing?

Yao, BOO!, and Kelly Kapowski jumped rather quickly ahead in the challenge, as Earl fell slightly behind and Cassandra remained actually outside the maze for quite some time. She was probably weighed down by her GIANT BICUSPIDS. Also, her brain doesn’t work correctly. In the end, Yao Ming won.

So, anyone who has been keeping up with the newsletters would automatically assume they would target BOO!, right? No? Nothing to do with the show? Hard to follow? Off-subject? Saved by the Bell? Street Fighter II? Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Peter Pan Syndrome? Non-functioning brain? Too many question marks? I’m just filling up space now? I should probably stop asking questions and get on with the recap? You’ve X’ed out this email now? I’ve lost my entire audience? Now, I am just talking to myself? Question marks?

Anyways, yeah, BOO! was assumed to be the next target, but ol’ BOO! actually had some strategy going. He was surprisingly sly last night. No, seriously, he was. I know, you were expecting the whole “BOO! Gotcha” thing there, but I am serious. Plus, I wouldn’t stoop to such obvious humor. I want to keep things fresh and humo…BOO! Gotcha!

So, BOO! pulled both Earl and Yao Ming aside, explaining that going against Kelly Kapowski was a bad idea when it came to facing the jury and that keeping him would result in them having a better chance. I don’t really see how that could have been seen as true. Kelly Kapowski screwed more people in this game than Valerie Malone. But, whatever, they seemed to be considering it. But, in the end, they ended up voting BOO! and his love of fluid ounces off, whittling it down to Cassandra, Yao Ming, Kelly Kapowski, and Earl. Also, please don’t stop reading. I promise you will still enjoy yourself. Also, that promise is void in the continental United States.

Thinking ahead to the next immunity challenge, Kelly Kapowski says he is actually looking forward to giving Yao Ming his immunity if he wins it because he wants to make his kids proud. I don’t know. I think I would be much prouder of my Dad if he could buy me a robot maid than if he traded a Ford Super Duty for a million dollars. Also, they said that truck costs $60K last night. I don’t buy that for a second. Oh wait…its super duty? My mistake. I thought it was just duty. Well, maybe then.

Before the immunity challenge came one of my favorite parts of the Survivor experience – the torches of the fallen. This is when the remaining survivors collect the extinguished torches of the people who have gone before them. “Hey, remember things?” “Yeah, things are great.” My favorites are the first couple. They always seem to struggle to come up with something memorable for those ones:

“Oh man, how about Erica…”
“Right, she always used to say words and sentences.”

“Hey, remember Jessica?”
“Yeah, she was such a person.”

Even the montages that accompanied these first couple are so devoid of any real nostalgia. Erica’s crowning achievement? That time she held a half-eaten pineapple. Man, that was a good time.

The rest are also humorous, though…especially when they reach someone they didn’t really care for. “Ah, Rocky…you sure had an accent.” And, for some reason, all the montages this year focused on people falling – Michelle, Lisi, BOO!. Gary’s was a little different as his also had him topless on a stretcher. I suppose this all still conjures up memories as well for everyone. In fact, it prompted this discussion:

Kelly Kapowski: “Hey, remember how bad we are at this game?”
Yao Ming: “Yeah, remember how no one in this season was interesting or good at anything?”
Earl: “Yeah”
Kelly Kapowski: “Yeah”
Cassandra: “…”
Earl: “Good point, Pac-Man. Get it? Because your teeth are so big. Hey, remember how I am afraid of being eaten by you?”
Cassandra: “…”

At the final immunity challenge, JEFF HUNTER AKA JEFF PROBST AKA THE GOAT-LEGGED HARBINGER OF DOOM tells everyone that this immunity challenge is more important than ever as the three remaining after tonight will be facing the jury instead of the traditional final two. This is crazier than that time they, um, than that time they…than that time they had two people facing the jury…BECAUSE THREE IS MORE THAN TWO!!! NUMB3RS!!!

The challenge involved the tribe members holding onto a wooden handle while laying on a plank. The plank’s angle would be made steeper every five minutes by THE DARK LORD and also…water will be pouring down, making it wicked slippery. Last person hanging wins immunity and a secured place in the final three. I will give you one guess as to who fell first. Here’s a hint: GIANT CHUPACABRA TEETH!!!!11 Yeah, Cassandra fell first. And, let me just say, if there is anything more attractive than Cassandra biting her bottom lip, wriggling, and grunting while getting wetter and wetter trying to stay on a plank, I won’t ever be able to see it because watching that forced me to poke myself in the eye with a steak knife. Now are you impressed I’m writing this? If you’re nodding, I can’t see because I HAVE NO EYEBALLS!!.

Next went Earl and then it was down to Yao Ming and Kelly Kapowski. And, erm, Kelly Kapowski won. Yao Ming lost. Stay with me here.

After the challenge, while Kelly Kapowski is off practicing her tumbles, Earl, Cassandra, and Yao Ming discussed him:

Yao Ming: “Do you think Kelly Kapowski will keep his word?”
Earl: “You know the guy who believes in people…the guy who..”
Yao Ming: “Earl, not now.”
Earl: “I don’t know. He’s a wild card. I mean, what kind of a person decides to be a male cheerleader? Or calls himself Dreamz? Then again, yeah I would trust him.”
Cassandra: “…”
Yao Ming: “I am just really worried.’
Earl: “I think he’ll do the right thing.”
Cassandra: “…”
Earl: “Cassandra?”
Cassandra: “Oh, sorry. I was just GNAWING ON A TREE!”

At tribal council, Kelly Kapowski, when finally asked, decides to keep the immunity idol. I have never been more proud of Kelly Kapowski. Well, there was the time she won homecoming queen even though that cream Zack made for her zit problem turned her face green. She even beat Muffin Sangria! But, seriously, this is a game, no? Isn’t the point to win a million dollars? As he said, “this isn’t real life…” And he’s right. I applaud him. If his kids are upset about it, buy them a Nintendo Wii. Then, say whichever brother punches the other in the face can have it. Then they’ll learn the value of a dollar. Also, Kelly Kapowski cried. Eh, male cheerleaders…

Also, Earl and Cassandra both voted for Yao Ming, which I think was just because they figured it would be a wasted vote since he was going to have immunity. I don’t really understand. By now, I had sort of lost interest. This show was two hours, you know.

So, at that point, yes, Yao Ming was voted off. Basketball!

Back at camp, Kelly Kapowski defended himself against both Earl and Cassandra. Cassandra mumbled something about understanding, but I fell asleep mid-sentence due to her being the most boring person ever. Also, the loss of blood from my earlier eye-stabbing incident had left me a bit weak. RUNNING JOKES = LOLZZ111!!!!!!

The next morning, they find a basket with some glasses and utensils and a note telling them something would be dropped from the sky. Missing the target, the box lands in the water and Earl swims out to retrieve it, leaving Cassandra to say “they’re lucky I can’t swim, because then I’d…” Then she’d what? She’d go get it? I’d assume that would have been welcome. Also, she can’t swim. And she went on Survivor. Maybe she had hoped there would be a lot of chewing challenges.

So, the basket contained food…and they ate it. And I think they drank maple syrup out of one of the champagne glasses. I think these people are going to have a tough time adjusting to society. They’ll have to be taught how to interact with normal people again – like Howie Mandel in Walk Like a Man. Remember that movie? He got shaved by the chick who killed Jason in Friday the 13th Part II. Man, having long beards is really funny.

Before facing the jury, we were treated to many shots of Earl sitting/standing on rocks, Cassandra sitting on rocks, and Kelly Kapowski sitting on rocks. I guess sitting on rocks=grateful to be here. Also, Kelly Kapowski said this, “"Actually having a shot at a million dollars… this is more than words can explain. So right now I feel that I am on top of the world. I feel like I'm standing next to Oprah." So, standing next to Oprah equals being on top of the world? I bet James Frey would disagree.

The jury now had to decide between Earl, Cassandra, and Kelly Kapowski. Some highlights of their questioning:

Lisi, in her trademark front-tucked shirt (the only thing missing was the B.U.M. logo) asked Kelly Kapowski how many zeroes were in a million. I guess she thought he was dumb. Because he’s a cheerleader. She also asked him if he had a sexually transmitted disease. Another cheerleader stereotype.

BOO! called Kelly Kapowski a bad Christian. Then he explained the nuances of the FLUID OUNCE

Alex totally bitched out Cassandra in a loud, lawyerish way. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE…OUCH! STOP BITING ME!

THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH had some ri-donkulus line of questioning in which Cassandra, I guess, failed. I guess wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Michelle…looked cute.

So, all of this led up to the final vote…to be brought by THE DEVIL INCARNATE to New York to be read in front of a live studio audience. And he totally disappointed me. All he did was walk into the studio with the sacred urn. No helicopters. No hovercrafts. No punching the elderly. Bummer.

In the end, Earl won…and for the first time in Survivor history, he received all nine votes from the jury. So, congratulations Earl…you faced some real losers.

And, with that, I want to thank all of you for letting me into your inbox over the last couple months. It was fun, no? No? Well, at least it was time-consuming.

Until next season…
Out-finished, Out-done, and Out-now I can finally get back to work,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE XIII: HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HIS LICENSE, LISA.

Our time is winding down, my friends. This is your next-to-last newsletter. I know. I know. I’m pretty excited too.

The episode last night started with BOO! coming up with a ridiculous plan, forging a trail to the water well so that he can hide there and listen in on people’s conversations. That way, he will totally know if he’s on the chopping block. Unless, of course, its discussed somewhere else like in the cave (which happened last night) or on the boat (which also happened last night) or maybe just down on the beach (yeah, last night too). All in all, the plan was fiendishly clever in its intricacies. You can tell he put a lot of thought into…BOO! gotcha!

So, yeah…while all this was going on, Earl, Cassandra, Stacy, and Yao Ming decide to vote BOO! off next, which gets Yao Ming excited. “Getting rid of BOO! would make my life a lot easier,” stated Yao Ming, “Plus, even just calling someone BOO! makes me feel like a complete idiot. Basketball!”

After Stacy went to retrieve the tree mail, they all worked out trying to figure what the reward challenge would be. By using the awesome power of their brains, they deciphered that it was a car challenge meaning the winner would probably be receiving a vehicle of some sort. Remember that crappy yellow Aztek that Coby won in Season Two. Man, that thing was ugly. Plus, he spooned with his mom in there. Pontiac was probably super excited about that. Pontiac: We Build Incest!

Anyways, Kelly Kapowski was pretty excited about the car challenge. “I’m the only one here who doesn’t have a car,” he said. Then, he went on to say, “I really do not have a car.” Then, after that, he said, “I didn’t even bother to get a license because I didn’t see the point in it since I didn’t have a car.” Afterwards, he pointed out, “I also don’t have a car, so if anyone would help me get one, that would be great.” He also stated, “The reason I don’t have a car is that my Dad just lost his job. In fact, that’s why I couldn’t go to the prom and I ended up eating cake and dancing with Zack outside the window of the gym.” “Also,” he went on, “I do not have a car.” Man, I wish Blanka from Street Fighter II was there, because if there was ever a time for a deadly ear bite, that was it. Hey, remember video games? Those were great!

So, yes, it was a car reward. The reward was a Ford Super Duty blah blah blah. Ah, pick up trucks. Welcome to a world of constantly being the first person in line to help your friends move something really heavy. The survivors would have to split into two teams of three, walk over see saws, go through a pretty boring McDonald’s Play Place, dig for a hatchet, and cut a rope to release a box containing a bunch of school supplies, which drops into the bed of the truck – which I assume was to show that trucks can hold heavy boxes. The winning team then was to drive the truck over to a school, while towing a mobile office, and deliver it all to a school where they would shower the children with notebooks in exchange for their food. Additionally, the winning team of three had to compete in a hatchet throwing contest for the keys to the truck.

The good news? The team consisting of Kelly Kapowski, Earl, and Cassandra were in the lead, but ended up losing it in the end…which should have meant KK’s dreamz (get it??hahahahahahahahahaha) were crushed. The better news? As they were coming out of the Play Place, Cassandra got stuck. It was totally like the time Winnie-the-Pooh got stuck in the beehive. Or the time he was stuck in the window. Or that time he got stuck in the tree. Man, that bear was sure useless. “Oh Pooh, you silly old moronic fatso.”

So, then, BOO!, Stacy, and Yao Ming went on to the hatchet throwing contest. Stacy once again proved she couldn’t do anything except remain to be unattractive despite a flat tummy and left it to BOO! and Yao Ming to fight it out. In the end, Yao Ming won and tried to use it to his advantage by offering Kelly Kapowski a deal. He offered to give Kelly Kapowski his reward in exchange for his immunity if he won it in the final four. It seemed like a pretty unfair trade on Yao Ming’s part – He still has to make it to the final four and Kelly Kapowski has to win immunity and keep his word – but, eh, ballers don’t roll in pick-ups, yo. I am pretty sure, though, that the producers definitely want to test Kelly Kapowski’s resolve, so expect the immunity challenge for the final four to involve human pyramids, basket tosses, spirit fingers, and/or sleeping with quarterbacks.

Additionally, with himself now in the group of losers, Yao Ming decided to send himself to VENOM AISLE, prompting THE HATER OF ALL THINGS GOOD to say, “Well, Yao Ming, you are the first in history to go from winning a reward to losing to being on Exile Island.” Really? You mean in the entire history of this one season of having an Exile Island, he is the only one to send himself there? Wow, that’s one for the books!!

Yao Ming, however, thinks he has a pretty solid plan – he feels he has guaranteed himself a pass at the final four and also now has gotten himself another clue to the whereabouts of the other hidden immunity idol.

After hitching up the mobile office to the back of the truck (wow, you mean it can tow an office? Ford rules! I am going to get one.) Kelly Kapowski, BOO!, and Stacy headed over to the nearest sweatsho…er, school…to hand out supplies such as notebooks, pens, gym equipment, and, um, did I see a box labeled board games? I don’t remember having board games in my school growing up. Oh well, I’m sure the creators of Survivor have the best interests of Fiji in mind and are totally not crippling their society in any way. Yes, armed with the knowledge of how to land on Park Place, build a mousetrap involving a man jumping into a bucket, and be PRETTY SNEAKY, SIS!! the future of Fiji is safe.

And for the teachers? A mobile office complete with computer, fax machine, and other high-tech gadgets I’m sure will come in handy. Although I do hope they left the owner’s manuals. I think I saw the algebra teacher trying to wash his shirt in the copier. Get it? Because TECHNOLOGY + FIJI = WHA????

The winners? also got to share lunch with the children and tell them how living in their land is something they would only do if they got a million dollars out of it. It was heartwarming.

Kelly Kapowski also found himself now wondering, “Hmmm…I think Yao Ming has a plan here. I don’t think he just gave me that car to be nice. I think he wants to win this game. Also, I bet it would be really hot if I lived on the sun and I would probably die if I tried to swallow a machete.” What other things are obvious? (pause) That’s right! Give yourself a pat on the back.

As a result of this epiphany, Kelly Kapowski alerts Cassandra to this possible strategy.

Kelly Kapowski: “I think Yao Ming may actually want to win this game.”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowksi: “I mean, I like the truck and everything, but do you think he was just giving it to me to secure a place in the final three?”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowski: “I bet, when he said, ‘If you win immunity in the final four, you have to give it to me’ that meant that he wants to have my immunity if I win it in the final four.”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowski: “You’re right. We should vote him out.”
Cassandra: “I like things.”
Kelly Kapowski: “C’mere you…”

Annnd….scene!

How to explain the immunity challenge…how to explain it. Oh! I got it! Remember at the end of One Crazy Summer? You know how Hoops was horrible at basketball, but then at the end he had to throw the little ball through the hoop so that the sail would go up on the boat? You know, so they could beat Teddy and his father? Yeah, you know. One Crazy Summer. Oh, you’ve seen it. Yes you have! Demi Moore was in it. And Bobcat Goldthwait. And Booger. Hey, remember movies of the 80’s? Remember Krull?

Oh…right. The immunity challenge. So, yeah, it involved hoops…and throwing balls into hoops..and…eh, do you really care? BOO! won. And, back at the cave, Yao Ming said something like, “wow, when it involves balls and holes, you’re dead on BOO!” Heh. Yup.

While everyone is sitting around, Yao Ming and Earl go off in search of the other idol. And they found it, which means they both have an idol now. Right…

Now, with BOO! being immune from the vote tonight, it was assumed Stacy would be voted off. However, Kelly Kapowski and Cassandra approach Stacy and tell her that they would like to vote Yao Ming off. She is, of course, down like a clown. Then, she does something super weird and tells Earl she is totally fine with being voted off. Her acting abilities were scary good - like Shaq-good. Man, Shaq can act. And rap. And be normal-sized. He’s multi-awful.

Yao Ming senses that he may have a large target on his back and this is only solidified by Stacy’s words at tribal council. Although it is to be understood by Earl and Yao Ming that everyone is voting Stacy, she says there may be a split vote tonight…out loud. Of course, this makes Yao Ming use his hidden immunity idol, leaving the four votes cast for him void and the two cast for Stacy are the deciding factor, and she’s out. Bye.

So, Sunday is the finale…you know what that means, right? We get to see how THE PROBST decides to get to the studio. He usually does it in some elaborate way involving a helicopter, sports car, motorcycle, hovercraft, etc. And I love it. It’s one of my guilty pleasures, like my love of Avril Lavigne’s new song…or Punky Brewster…or the O.C…or TATU…or Crossroads (the Britney Spears one, not the Ralph Macchio one)…or, hmmmm…can I still consider them guilty pleasures if they constitute like 90% of the things I like? Hey, you know what’s a great movie? Spice World.

Until next time
Out-deal, Out-negotiate, and Out-damn, one more newsletter to go
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE XII: HOW ABOUT A NICE GREASY PORK SANDWICH??

Hey everyone. Before I start this week’s thrilling recap of Punky Brewster episodes and Karate Kid training and/or competition montages while trying to work in some info about Survivor, I wanted to let you know that, after my mention of simian-like “actress” Neve Campbell, she has been turning up all over the place. First, during this week’s Heroes, I saw commercials alerting us to her appearance on Medium, with Patricia Arquette (and Brandon Walsh…Ahhh, I get it. She is channeling dead careers now? I’ve never watched the show. Ghosts are scary. Except for Casper. How do you think he died anyways? It must have been in some fun way like falling in a vat of cotton candy or being licked to death by kittens, because he always seemed awful cheerful for a dead kid.) Neve looked terrible, by the way. As does Patricia Arquette. I actually found myself saying, “Wow, she has really let herself go since True Romance.” You know it’s bad when you don’t look as good as you did when you were a hooker suffering from multiple pimp-inflicted wounds. Also, yesterday I came across this article: http://www.nypost.com/seven/05022007/gossip/pagesix/neve_nuptials_pagesix_.htm (ooooh, hyp0rlinks!!11!!haxx0r ROFL@teh n00b!!) She looks great. And by great, I mean really awfully terrible. Her sylist must have quit after Neve flung poo at her. Get it? Because she looks like a…oh, forget it. If I have to explain this joke to you, then there is really no hope. Oh, fine. She looks like a monkey. There, are you happy? Now the joke is ruined. Jerk.

Anyhoo, last night’s episode opened with Alex being pretty psyched about stabbing Mokey in the back (every Doozer’s dream, right? Amen brother.) He said that vote is what ‘saved his ass.’ His psychedness reached higher levels as he watched the other six argue amongst themselves over the decision to split the vote last week. Earl wanted Alex gone and wasn’t happy with the way things turned out. “You know that guy who thinks he is the boss of everyone? The guy who really doesn’t contribute all that much or win many challenges, but still acts like he should be the leader? That’s me. My name is Earl.”

The next day, Yao Ming decided to have a chat with Earl and Cassandra about taking Stacy instead of Kelly Kapowski to the final four (hmmm, final four? Yao Ming? There must be something there…let me think about it. Nope. Nothing.) Basically, Yao Ming figures Cassandra would vote Kelly Kapowski over Yao Ming, so he wanted to ensure his safety. Cassandra tried to ease his fears, saying she wouldn’t necessarily do that. Then, to the camera, she confessed, “"I think Yao Ming is a real big threat. I know he's playing the game. He's playing it to win it." He’s playing to win it. Boring people are insightful. Did I say insightful? I mean insightLESS!!!11!!!//// SWISH!! High five!

Ah, the reward challenge. Seriously, what can I say about this one? You ever been to a kid’s birthday party where they play that ‘doughnut on a string’ game? You know the one. Where they have to eat a doughnut off a string without using their hands? Its cute and funny because they get powder and/or chocolate all over their faces, right? Well, this was sort of like that. Except instead of being cute and funny, it was more VOMIT-INDUCING and WHAT THE HELL??!! Essentially, there were these big pork roasts hanging on a string and the tribe members had to bite off hunks of meat while their hands were tied behind their backs and then bring the meat back to their plates, which were weighed at the end. The winner (=heaviest plate) and the two runners-up would win a helicopter trip to a rain forest where they would go rafting and then have lunch. The winner also could send someone to THE ISLAND OF HISS. But wait – there’s more. The winner also gets an advantage in the immunity challenge. And if they act now, they also get the paring knife, the “100 ways to filet halibut” tip book, and a spot on next season’s Surreal Life followed by a rapid descent into obscurity. Wow, WHAT A DEAL!!!!!

The challenge ended up going as disgustingly as I had figured, with everyone covered in more food than Tom Arnold after a night at the Hometown Buffet. BOO! ended up with the heaviest plate, followed by Yao Ming and Kelly Kapowski. Earl got sent to SNAKE ISLAND, while BOO! picked up his reward – a bag of something or other to help him with the immunity challenge.

As the helicopter rose above Fiji, as the beauty of the land surrounded them and they felt at peace with the world, the peace in their hearts…BOO! Heh. BOO! turned out to be one of those “uncomfortable with silence” types. He essentially had to fill any quiet moment with inane chatter and/or tongue-clicking. Kelly Kapowski was especially annoyed. And this is a girl who spent the early years of her life with Screech Powers and Richard Belding and the latter part with Ian Zering and Tori Spelling, so she knows annoying. I actually thought what he was saying was interesting, especially when he got into the whole Plato versus Aristotle discussion. He really knows how to deconstruct philosophical ideas and explain them in layman’s ter…BOO! Gotcha! He’s an idiot.

The next part of their reward was a raft down the rapids. After not eating for a long time and then working really hard at pulling pork off the bone with my teeth, I’m sure those people would like nothing better than to dig in and try to navigate the rapids of Fiji. Happy fun times! After the rafting, though, they got to park over on a beach and enjoy a picnic lunch. But wait – that’s not all! Relaxing on the beach, Yao Ming, Kelly Kapowski, and BOO! were all handed envelopes. Inside them? Letters from the family…YAY! TEARS! And, as an exclusive for my newsletter subscribers, I have obtained the rights to said letters and wish to present them to you, my loyal readers.

First, Kelly Kapowski’s:

Dear Kelly,

How R U? What is (arrow)? N2MH. NeWays, Screech has been totally bugging me lately. Even though I am totally married and have, like, three kids, he still won’t stop watching me through his binoculars from that tree outside. I mean, in high school, it was annoying, but now – a full restraining order later – it’s just plain illegal. God, I love shopping though. Hmmm, what else? Oh, Zach is almost out of jail. Three more days!! I guess that whole ‘pretending to be a terrorist to get our of jury duty’ prank went a little too far. He’s rambunctious! Slater and his life partner are coming over for dinner this weekend. I guess they just started their own website where they sell pictures of themselves wrestling each other. I am glad he is still doing what he loves. As for Jesse – well, she is still acting poorly out in Vegas. It’s a good thing she has that fat woman that used to introduce her to tell her dirty jokes. Alex? Well, we are still pretending she never existed. And Mr. Belding? Well, I hear since they caught him with all those children’s bones in his cellar and burned him alive, he has been haunting kids’ dreams.

C-ya,
Lisa Turtle

Now, Yao Ming’s:

Yao,

We really could have used you tonight. Thanks for letting us down.

Signed,
The Rockets

And, finally, BOO!’s:

BOO!

I is sumwut sorree fuh what givn you dat name.

MOM!

Also, Kelly Kapowski cried. Watching male cheerleaders cry is a lot like watching bear attacks on the Discovery Channel in that they are both awesome things that make me happy someone invented the DVR.

Also, Earl found a clue to the whereabouts of the new hidden immunity idol.

Also, this part was boring.

When they returned from their reward, both Yao Ming and Kelly Kapowski complained about BOO!’s excellence at being annoying. Kelly Kapowski said he was more annoying than the time Screech dressed up as a heart for…JESUS, ANOTHER SAVED BY THE BELL JOKE! Hm, moving on. Alex saw this as an opening and approached Kelly Kapowski about voting BOO! off. “I think we should vote off BOO! tonight,” Kelly Kapowski said, “and take Alex with us like the time Zach took me to the…” Sorry..its a sickness.

When they meet for the immunity challenge, SATAN HIMSELF asks BOO! to unveil what was in his bag. Climbing steps!! Yes. The challenge was in two parts. First, the tribesters had to dig to find three climbing steps. The first two to find their climbing steps (plus BOO!, since he already had them) move on to the second leg which was, well, climbing of course. They had to climb up a pole and get a flag. Kelly Kapowski found his steps in, like three seconds. It was pretty impressive. Well, more impressive than being a male cheerleader. So, not all that impressive, really. Alex found all of his next. And Cassandra? Well, she sucked the worst at it. Even THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND BAD IN THE WORLD called her out on it, “Cassandra…digging two inches into the ground…as if that’s where they would be,” he chided. To which Cassandra replied, “…”

So, BOO!, Kelly Kapowski, and Alex moved on to the next leg. Alex tried his best to shimmy up the pole not using the climbing steps…but remembered he was not Spider-Man and was, instead, um, Loser-Man and lost. BOO! won. Yes.

Alex, now feeling he was not long for this island, went and sulked for a bit. Cassandra went over to “talk” to him:

Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “hey, I played like a gentleman”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “You know, I just wanted to come in and do something my kids would be proud of.”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “And I think I did that. Don’t you?”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “Don’t you?”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “Fine. Fine! You’re right. I didn’t play like a gentleman. My kids have a snake for a father. I rummaged through an old man’s pockets. I stabbed Mokey in the back. I even spit on all of you while you were sleeping and prayed for death on all of your families. I am an awful man and, oh THE HELL WITH IT!”
Cassandra: “…”

Just kidding. He didn’t die. He instead tried to convince everyone that Yao Ming was a threat because he had the immunity idol. It almost worked on Cassandra and Kelly Kapowski. But, in the end, it didn’t…and Alex was voted off.

Until next time
Out-pork grease, Out-…, and Out-I will have more Saved by the Bell jokes next week,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE XI: BROUGHT TO YOU BY OLAY RIBBONS BODYWASH

Thanks, Alex, for keeping the whole “lawyers are scummy and underhanded” stereotype alive. Some people frown on broad generalizations, but not me. They enable me to insult a whole group of people rather than focus my sarcasm on just one person, which I feel really multiplies the humor. Don’t you? So I say, “bring on the stereotypes!” Women be shopping, y’all!

The episode began with Alex and Mokey basically talking about how screwed they are right now and how they were stabbed in the back by Kelly Kapowski. I think they were surprised because Kelly was always such a good friend at Bayside. But they must have forgotten about how much of a bad girl she became when she moved to Beverly Hills. She even smoked a joint…remember? Or how about when she was in that movie Son-In-Law with Pauly Shore? She not only took a lot of her clothes off, but she totally pretended that Crawl hooked up with her that night after that big fat farmhand drugged him. Oh please. You know you saw Son-in-Law. Don’t judge me.

Meanwhile, Kelly Kapowski himself was feeling betrayed because of the last minute voting switch within the Earlliance from Mokey to El-tardo. Stacy and Earl explained to him that they switched at the last minute because they were worried that Mokey may have the immunity idol and Alex and Mokey were lying to Kelly Kapowski. And Kelly Kapowski fell for that. He explained, “At first I feel they didn't trust me but then they came to me and then let me know that they just changed it just in case Mookie pulled out the Immunity Idol. I was comfortable after that." He does understand that they still had to come together and make this decision, right? And left him out of the discussion? You mean male cheerleaders aren’t all that smart? I suppose the next thing you’re going to tell me is being a male cheerleader isn’t a wise career choice. Whatever, man. Keep living in your button-down, plastic fantastic world of cubicles and coffee mugs. Me and Kelly Kapowski? We got some spirit fingers to wave.

I guess Kelly Kapowski was so lost in his delusion that he decided to try and invite Mokey and Alex to his party on the banks of denial. Kelly Kapowski tried to say that he was also outwitted last night. It’s not all that far fetched. I am pretty sure on his Match.com profile, Kelly Kapowski lists “being outwitted” alongside “being part of a human pyramid,” “watching Bring it On,” and “going to the Maxx for burgers with my friends” as things he does in his spare time. Alex and Mokey didn’t buy it though.

Arriving at a big field o’ mud, THE FALLEN ONE explains that the reward challenge will involve balls…and lots of ‘em. The tribe had to break up into two teams, with one member from each team launching balls into the air while everyone else tried to catch them with a basket. Each time someone catches a ball, they score a point for their team. It was Yao Ming launching to his team of Mokey, Cassandra, and BOO! and Stacy launching to Earl, Alex, and Kelly Kapowski. During the game, there was a lot of pushing and shoving and Cassandra took a break from blending into the scenery to put a sleeper hold on Earl. Then, when he was out, she pulled out some shears and cut his hair, a la Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake. Best. Move. Ever. Plus, he wore zebra-striped spandex a lot. Yep, in professional wrestling, that was considered cool. It was also considered cool in Van Halen. And my living room.

Anyways, once Cassandra stepped up the physicalities, people started going nuts…leading to (surprise, surprise) BOO! hurting himself. He fell down, made sounds like that grape-stomping lady, and said he thought he tore his ACL. After a quick visit from the Survivor medical team, he stood up and straightened his leg, which caused a loud POP! noise. Like really loud. You remember those little guys you would get that would be on a spring and have a suction cup on their butt. You would push them down and they would stick for like a second and then, POP!, they would fly into the air? I had a Donald Duck one, I remember, and I would play with that for hours. And hours. So much so that it worried my parents. The doctor said that, surprisingly, my mind seemed healthy and I was just probably a loser with no friends. My mom agreed and swiftly paid off some neighborhood kids to hang out with me. And that was the best summer of my life.

THE END




BOO!

Gotcha!

Anyways, he was ok after that nasty pop noise but ended up losing which sent Earl, Stacy, Alex, and Kelly Kapowski off to a day at the spa and gave us the treat of about a dozen close-up shots of Olay Ribbons Body Wash. Spare no expense, Burnett. Spare no expense. They also sent BOO! to Super Duper Snake Island in the hopes that his knee will prevent him from escaping a snake attack. Also, where did BOO! get that hat? Is there an airbrusher on the island? If so, he should have opted for the BOO! falling down T-shirt. What the hell does Floz mean? Googling it, I found it either stands for ‘Free Live OS Zoo’ – a website where you can test FreeOsZoo images without needing to install QEMU – or ‘For the Love Of Zeppelin’ – a Zeppelin tribute band that thinks its ok to include the word ‘of” in your acronym but not “the”. Or maybe he just loves fluid ounces. Either way, he should have probably BOO! Gotcha.

At the spa, we got to watch Earl wash the mud out of his armpits. As nasty as it was, it made me glad Lisi was already voted off because watching Earl wash mud out of his armpits is a lot better than Lisi washing small insects out of her BACK FAT! Anyone eating breakfast right now? Enjoying it?

When everyone returned, Alex and Mokey had some alone time. How did they spend it? Sleazily. Figuring Yao Ming had the idol, they rummaged through his shorts pockets and found it. Now, I expected this sort of thing from Alex, but Mokey? She’s a Fraggle. And a hippie. Man, Fiji changes you. So, Alex and Mokey make their way to a quiet part of the jungle to discuss their next move. The problem? Stacy and Cassandra are already there. Before Alex and Mokey come upon them, Cassandra said something like, “I am only doing this with you because you’re the only other girl on the island.” Seriously. If they weren’t interrupted, I pretty much expected this to evolve into some sort of Cinemax movie. Wait, Cinemax is that channel where they show those movies with really unattractive people eating pineapple, right? Ohhhh…my mistake. That’s the Sundance Channel. But, hearing Alex and Mokey coming, Cassandra and Stacy crouch behind some bushes and listen.

So, Alex and Mokey, thinking they are alone, start talking about declaring to everyone that Yao Ming has the idol at tribal council. The conversation went like this:

Mokey: “We should totally tell everyone he has the idol at tribal council”
Alex: “Yeah, we would really blow up his spot”
Mokey: “I think that everyone would be really mad if they found out he had it”
Alex: “Yeah, that would totally blow up his spot.”
Mokey: “So, tonight I’ll ask him, ‘Yao, are you going to use your idol’ in front of everyone”
Alex: “Aw yeah…blow up his spot”
Mokey: “This one night, I got wasted on doozer structures and hooked up with Wembley in the Gorg’s garden”
Alex: “…”
Alex: “…”
Alex: “blow up his spot.”

But, in true horror movie fashion, Stacy shifts and CRACK! A stick breaks. Alex hears this and sees them crouched down and then informs Mokey of their presence. Becoming frazzled, they decide to approach Yao Ming immediately and confront him about the idol. Stacy and Cassandra are left behind muttering, “I don’t know. They said something about an idol. And then Yao Ming. And then approaching him. I guess Mokey is a big basketball fan.” Yeah, they had no idea what the two of them said.

But, paranoid, Mokey and Alex decided to blow up his spot right then and there. They told Yao that they found the idol in his shorts. To which Yao basically replied, “And?” Seriously, what kind of strategy is this? Let’s tell everyone we rummaged through an old guy’s shorts and found a turtle. I bet they’ll all like us then. Good plan guys. It worked out as one would expect, with Yao telling everyone what they did and them all being pissed, basically ignoring the fact that Yao was hiding the idol this whole time. Well, except for Kelly Kapowski, who sees it as a bad thing. But, I am pretty sure you could make him forget about by shouting, “Look at the pretty bird” over and over again. Hmm, actually…probably just once would work.

The immunity challenge came next and it was basically battleship, except much less exciting. Especially if we are talking Electronic Battleship. That was off the hook. I am going to leave the explanation of rules to cbs.com:

Testing their memory, each Survivor will secretly select three squares on a grid, horizontally, vertically or diagonally. The goal is to knock out their opposing teammate by guessing squares and bombing them one by one. The last person with squares still left on the board wins individual Immunity and is safe from the vote.

Thanks cbs.com! Oh, and Stacy won. See…I should leave most of this to cbs.com

Back at camp, BOO! decided that since the immunity idol seemed pretty easy to find according to the clue he saw, that Mokey or Alex could have it. He suggested splitting the votes three and three just to be safe. BOO! is basically admitting he is an idiot here. Armed with a clue he has described as easy, he still thinks that someone with no idea where it is may have a better chance of finding it. BOO! = DUMB!

Alex says that at tribal council, he is going to “go down swinging.” He says that being a lawyer makes him able to “use information strategically.” His performance at tribal council, however, has forced me to place him between “Mary-Kate Olsen” and “that guy who asked me for a quarter outside of the ATM this morning” on the list of people who I’d want representing me if I was on trial for murder. He said nothing of consequence. He did, however, vote for Mokey, which officially earned him the title of “most likely to have no soul” on the island.

With that vote, Mokey is gone…I wish I felt bad, but I really hated that guy.

Until next time.

Out-blow up, Out-his, Out-spot,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE X: THE X STANDS FOR “SAVINGS”!! ??

So, last night’s episode was definitely my favorite so far this season. But, let’s not get all crazy now. I mean, that’s like saying, “Out of all of them, this is probably my favorite Pauly Shore movie” or “You know, this one, this one right here is probably the most enjoyable kidney stone I passed.” In case you’re wondering, the movie would probably be Son-in-Law and the kidney stone, well, I haven’t had the pleasure yet, but my favorite will probably be named Mick Jagger.

We’re off to a smashing start.

The show began with Mookie and Kelly Kapowski looking positively creepy in Paris Hilton vision talking about the vote they just endured. Mookie was a little upset with Kelly Kapowski because he felt that KK really screwed them by voting for Michelle. Also, Alex asking Mookie to alternate the immunity idol between the Four Sparkly Unicorns (running gags=LOLZ!!!1111) further added fuel to Mookie’s fire. You know, I haven’t liked Mookie from the start and I think I finally figured out why. Everytime I hear his name, it makes me think of Mokey, my least favorite Fraggle. She was the dirty hippie Fraggle. I bet if a tribe member reminded me of Junior Gorg, I would have liked them a lot more. No, wait…Lisi was actually very Gorg-like and I still wished her maimed. Well, maybe if one of them reminded me of the Trash Heap, then…nope, still Lisi.

When everyone returned to camp, Earl was a bit taken aback to see no Michelle. BOO! meanwhile saw this as an opportunity to join up with Earl and his ragtag bunch as a swing vote. You know the guy who is now considering this? The guy who doesn’t know if he can count on this guy, but really sees this alliance as a necessity? Well, that’s me. My name is…BOOO!!!! Gotcha!

The reward challenge required all the Survivors to answer questions privately about their fellow tribe members and then they would all have to vote publicly on who they think the majority voted for. The ones who got it right would then be able to smash one of the three towers belonging to another tribe member. Once your tower was smashed you were out. The questions were opinion-based type questions. Who smells the worst? Who would you trust with your life? Who would you not want to take home to a family dinner? Who do you wish would disappear faster than Neve Campbell? Seriously, whatever happened to her? She was everywhere for a little bit and then, bam, nothing. I suppose the world realized that she wasn’t as hot as she thought she was and that dramatic pauses (“Bailey. Our. Parents. Are. Dead. My God.”) do not an actress make. I assume her resume looks something like this:

1994 – 2000: Party of Five (Julia Salinger): Learned to pause dramatically when learning about parent's death, brother's alcoholism, or the ability of my boyfriend to also pause dramatically

1996: Scream (Sidney Prescott): paused dramatically referencing my mom's death to a greasy Skeet Ulrich, paused dramatically even with a knife to my throat, paused dramatically before punching out Courtney Cox

1997: Scream 2 (Sidney Prescott): Dramatic pauses. Dramatic pauses. Dramatic pauses. Dramatic pauses. Dramatic pauses

1998: Scream 3 (Sidney Prescott): Looking like monkey

2006: Wendy’s (as myself): Paused dramatically while asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

(aside: see Franke? I did it.)

Wow, that was a tangent. Back to our regularly scheduled nonsensical rant…

So, yeah, they all answered the questions privately and the results were (not) startling. Most would trust Earl. Alex thought he was more in control than he actually is. Kelly Kapowski smells. Everyone hates Stacy. Yao Ming is most likely to score a triple-double.

Cassandra won. Being boring enables you to soak a lot in. Funny, she wasn’t an answer to anything. I suppose if the question were, “who is the most like a rock or lump of dirt?” Cassandra would be the hands-down winner. So she won a barbecue and a night aboard a 70-foot luxury yacht, along with the ability to bring 3 people. She chose Yao Ming, BOO!, and Kelly Kapowski. She also got to send Mookie to Unbelievably Populated With Snakes Island, for which he is none too pleased. Dance your cares away…worries for another day…You know who I liked? Boober. There. I said it.

Over on Hissy Snake Island, Mokey seethed with vitriol for Cassandra. He vows to take out her entire alliance and her in the process. Damn dude…relax. He actually says, “I just need to get in touch with the Four Horsemen and then…” I hope he gets a lot of fists to his jaw for that line when he gets home.

Cassandra’s choice of shipmates actually made sense. She needed to try and read both BOO! and Kelly Kapowski in order to strengthen her alliance and Yao Ming? Well, he just likes to party. On the boat, she realizes that while BOO!’s brain seems like an empty non-cooked clay bowl ready to be molded into her likeness, Kelly Kapowski is as hard to read as Valerie Malone. Like, first you think she hates Kelly (Taylor), right, and then she buys her that really nice sweater for Christmas. She’s an enigma, alright.

When they get back on the island, Earl ends up catching Kelly Kapowski scheming with Alex. This makes Earl very wary of Kelly Kapowski. Sensing this, Kelly Kapowski tells Earl, Cassandra, and Yao Ming that Mokey has one of the hidden immunity idols. It seems Kelly Kapowski is just not cut out for this game. He should stick to what he knows – cheering, A.C. Slater, and being in most of the posters hanging up in my room.

Next up, the immunity challenge. THE FALLEN ANGEL (best Poison song ever!!) explains that the Survivors will have to use their arms to brace themselves between two walls, while their feet are positioned on very narrow footholds. Every 30 minutes Survivors will step down to an even smaller foothold. Last person left standing wins. My wife totally called the winner here. It came down at the end to BOO! and Yao Ming, with the basketballer winning out probably because he only has to hold up about 52 pounds. I was surprised that Kelly Kapowski didn’t fare better. Being a ballerina should really keep you pretty balanced up there. Hmm? Oh, right a male cheerleading coach. Eh, is there really a difference? Me being either would have caused my parents to cry themselves to sleep every night, so you say tomato…know what I mean?

Now, here was where it got interesting. See if you can stay with me here. Coming back from camp believing Stacy to be on their side, Mokey goes right after Earl, hopefully taking out the immunity idol, which he believes Earl to have since he has been to SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNAKE ISLAND so much. However, after chatting with Stacy about where her alliances lay, Alex feels uneasy. Meanwhile, the Earl-led alliance (including Kelly Kapowski) make the decision to go after Alex. Knowing this, Kelly Kapowski goes back to Ed-tardo and says that Mokey needs to give Alex the immunity idol. Mokey reluctantly agrees. After thinking about it, the Four Sparkly Unicorns decide to go after Cassandra in case Earl does have the idol and decides to use it. Now, Kelly Kapowski then goes back to the Earlliance (heh) and tells them that Alex now has the hidden immunity idol, forcing them to decide on voting out Mokey to catch them off guard. However, not totally trusting Kelly Kapowski, Earl, Cassandra, Yao Ming, BOO!, and Stacy decide to vote off Ed-tardo to avoid any double-cross.

Wow, is it weird to feel out of breath after writing a paragraph?

Anyways, at tribal council, Alex ends up smugly playing the immunity idol. As the votes are read off, SATAN has carefully made sure all of Cassandra’s votes are read off first, creating a false sense of security for the Unicorns, only to follow it up with the one Mokey vote (by Kelly Kapowski) and then drop the hammer with all the Ed-tardo votes. This actually made my wife and I look at each other and say, “look at their faces!” and then we both punched me in the gut for being such a loser. Hey, she’s pregnant so I took the punishment for both of us.

So, yes Ed-tardo is gone and we say goodbye to my high-larious joke of replacing the ‘g’ in his name with a ‘t’. Goodbye hilarious replacing ‘g’ with ‘t’ joke.

Until next time
Out-scheme, Out-scramble, and Out-play both sides
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE IX: TWISTY LIKE A PRETZEL, BLAND LIKE A RICE CAKE

Last night’s episode was a twisty-turny experience. First, I was like, “Whoa.” Then I was like, “Ahhh.” Then I went, “Wow!” And then I was all, “Damn!” Then, after the commercial break got over, I got bored rather quickly. OH SNAP!! NO HE DIDN’T!!!!11111

The episode began with Mookie, Alex, and Ed-tardo being super excited about having the immunity idol, while Kelly Kapowski was off practicing her basket tosses. They decide not to tell Kelly Kapowski just yet because they claim they worry about his ability to keep a secret. Whatever. I’m sure that’s not true. I’m sure he can keep a secret. For example, I don’t think he’s even told them he’s a male cheerleading coach because if he had, that natural instinct to punch him in the face would have kicked in by now. What? Oh, you try it. Try being within punching distance of a male cheerleader and not punch him in the face. It’s just the way we’re wired. It’s science.

Tree mail arrived at both camps, instructing them to leave behind everything except their personal belongings and head to Super Duper Slithery Dithery Snake Island. All tribe members were unsure of what was happening next:

“This game is so full of twists, it could be anything, “said Ed-tardo.

“No one really knew what was going on,” declared Yao Ming.

“…” said Cassandra.

When both tribes arrived on Snakey Wakey Island, they were still left wondering what exactly to do. Without THEIR DARK LORD, the tribes wandered aimlessly, full of questions. Are they now one tribe? Would they be living here from now on? How is it that Mrs. Larusso had no problem with her son spending so much time with an old Japanese handyman? Seriously, he bought him a car. I would at least have been a bit wary.

Finally, they came upon a tower. Climbing to the top, they found ten new purple buffs and a message telling them they were merging and to head back to the Moto camp, which of course is good news because they have a couch. Things were going well for our tribe members. Or were they? Or they were? Were or they?

No. They weren’t. I’m not one for suspense.

As they rounded the corner, they saw that the camp had been cleared out, save for some fishing gear, a flint, and some pots. Seriously, how did they not expect this even a little? Did no one say, “hmmm, maybe they are messing with us?” I mean, come on. You do realize that THE ANGEL OF THE BOTTOMLESS PIT is the host, right? Dummies.

They also named the tribe Bula Bula. I’m sure they explained what it means, but I wasn’t paying much attention. Looking it up online, it says that “bula” is either a Fijian greeting where the name would be roughly translated to “Hello Hello” or it means “to vomit, throw-up. originated with the sound you make when you retch and expel the contents of your stomach, usually after the over consumption of alcohol.” Try and use that in a sentence today. I’ll start. Lisi’s BACK-FAT from last week totally made me want to bula all over my hardwood floors. Grammar are fun.

Surveying the current situation, BOO! says he is going to just be “a good little helper and then when it’s time, assume the leadership role again.” Um. Erm. Anyone else notice BOO! taking any leadership before? Unless he has been off amassing an army of fire ants to do his bidding, BOO! ain’t been doin’ any leaderin’. I don’t know. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe BOO! is a better player than I initially thought and we should expect great things…BOO! HA! Gotcha!

Also, Mookie, Alex, Ed-Tardo, and Kelly Kapowski have decided to call themselves the Four Horsemen as they are aligned with one another. I assume that’s because there are four of them. I personally would have went with the Four Sparkly Unicorns because its much more fabulous. I bet Kelly Kapowski would have been with me.

Kelly Kapowski and Mookie then made an attempt to win over Cassandra and Yao Ming. The conversation went something like this:

Mookie: “So we should all be in this together and vote out BOO! I think”
Cassandra: “Yeah, Boo.”
Yao Ming: “It’s good because I thought that you would have gone over to the dark side and forgotten about us”
Cassandra: “Yeah, forgotten.”
Mookie: “Then I think we should vote off Stacy”
Cassandra: “Yeah, Stacy.”
Kally Kapowski: “I know you wouldn’t think it now, but Slater was hot back then. It was a different, turbulent time. A wrestler who could dance ballet got all the chicks.”
Cassandra; “Yeah, chicks.”

…

…

…

Cassandra: “I am boring.”

When the Four Sparkly Unicorns next met, Mookie just out of the blue tells Kelly Kapowski about the immunity idol. They are then stuck explaining to Kelly Kapowski that the reason they didn’t tell him in the first place was due to them being worried about him keeping it a secret. “Hey,” Kelly said, “When Screech needed to keep his grandmother’s sauce recipe a secret, did I go blabbing about it? No, instead I fought to help him keep it a secret from that snob who was trying to get it from him. Incidentally, she was played by Soleil Moon Frye – TV’s Punky Brewster! GOOOOOO BAYSIDE!”

While fishing later on, Ed-tardo is none too happy to learn that Mookie let Kelly Kapowski in on their secret. “If Kelly Kapowski tells anyone, I am going to kill you Mookie, seriously.” Yes, seriously. Also, Alex then asked if Stacy could join their Unicorn club. This leaves Mookie even more uneasy than the thought of being killed, seriously. “"Alex and Ed-tardo want to bring Stacy in," worries Mookie, "So when it gets down to five as we planned, Stacy is on their side and me and Kelly Kapowski, we're left out of the loop." Plus, he may get killed, seriously.

So, Mookie Let Kelly Kapowski in on Alex’s plan to invite Stacy in and Kelly Kapowski is none too happy about it. They then make a “pack” as Kelly Kapowski so eloquently put it, to get rid of Stacy once BOO! is gone. Now, Mookie is left teaming up with a male cheerleader. Things are going poorly for ol’ Mookie.

As the tribe meets for the immunity challenge, BEELZEBUB has them all pick rocks out of a bag. Those with green rocks went over to the green mat. Those with orange rocks went to the orange mat. Although they are now one tribe, they will be competing as teams against one another for this challenge. Oooooooh. Probst, you so crazy. They also get steak and wine and abnormally large peppers. Seriously, these things were huge. They reminded me of the six-foot prune Dr. Bunsen Honeydew had made at the end of the Muppet Movie. Anyone else reminded of that? Well, you are all obviously not as cool and sexy as me.

The challenge was to first study the order of symbols on this mask thing and then paddle out and collect these puzzle pieces and then come back and put them together and then put them in the order they were in on the mask. I know. Super exciting. Also, is it me or are the majority of challenges focusing on RETRIEVE PIECES AND PUT TOGETHER A PUZZLE? Am I wrong here? Hey, I love watching people put puzzles together on TV as much as the next guy, if one can assume the “next guy” also needs to put out cigarettes on his arm to stay awake during these challenges. Honestly.

There’s not much you need to know here other than the team with Michelle, Kelly Kapowski, Alex, Mookie, and Stacy lost. Everyone else won. Stay with me here.

But wait…there’s more. In order to curb any last minute planning, THE FALLEN ANGEL informs the losing team they will be immediately going to tribal council from the challenge. I have to admit…I did like that little twist. But don’t get cocky, Survivor. I’d still find The Father Dowling Mysteries more captivating.

While the winning team enjoyed their meat and alcohol, the losing team was stuck up at tribal council as EL DIABLO made them each give reasons for voting out someone else. Alex used that time to let everyone know he was voting out Michelle. Mookie, though, saw it as an opportunity to vote our Stacy. Kelly Kapowski saw it as an opportunity to be stupid. In the end, Michelle and her incredible shrinking bikini ended up being voted out, with three votes as opposed to Stacy’s two.

Until next time
Out-puzzle, Out-puzzle, and Out-more puzzles
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE VIII: IT’S PRONONCED SO-LIL-O-QUEEE

Honestly, it’s like this show can read my thoughts. Every person I loathe seems to be getting voted off every week. First Judge Dredd and now this? If we could only take care of the other ten people I don’t like, we’d be all set. But, I am getting ahead of myself. Hey, self, catch up! Right, onwards and upwards. Pip! Pip!

The show started with Mookie, Alex, and Et-tardo looking for the hidden immunity idol. Although Lisi had gave them the clues, they saw no reason to include her in the search since she is a truly horrid person that wears a cowboy hat and is built like Kubiak from “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose”. They did end up finding it and decided to keep it between the three of them, shutting out Kelly Kapowski and the hairy-pitted Lisi. Also, while both Alex and Ed-tardo think that the idol is equally split between them, Mookie has other plans. “"You could say that myself, Alex and Edgardo have the Idol,” stated the less than interesting Mookie, “but in my mind it's in one pocket and that's in my pocket.” Then he rubbed his hands together, said “Muahahahahaha!” and a bolt of lightning touched down behind him.

As Mookie was covering up the spot where they found the idol, Lisi woke up and asked what he was doing. “Oh, um, erm, hm, well, ah, ooh, uh, hmt,” replied Mookie. “Doing a little idol searching?” asked the ever-annoying Lisi. “Yeah, YEAH that’s the ticket,” said the poorly-named Mookie. Then, talking to the camera, Lisi explained how she caught Mookie and that he’d have to wake up pretty early to pull something over on “this old cat.” Yep, he would have had to wake up about a half-hour earlier. Which he did. And got the idol. Instead of this old cat. You. Dummy. Also, I don’t know if a cat is what I would use as comparison. Maybe a hippo. I don’t know. What kind of animal has the most BACK-FAT?

CULTURE SELL-OUT ALERT! CULTURE SELL-OUT ALERT!

In every season of Survivor, there is one episode where the culture of wherever they are basing that particular season trades its years of history and culture for what I assume is a box of year-old Zagnuts. This, my friends, is that moment.

Instead of tree mail, our less-than-likeable tribe members were greeted with four Fijioanese dancers. The tribes had to learn a traditional Fijianatoan dance and perform in front of a panel of judges. The winner gets a Fijanatonaneseican feast. The loser gets to lose. It was sort of like that movie You Got Served. Anybody see it? No. No. Yeah, me neither, but I did see New York Minute with the Olsen twins. I assume they were both equally as hardcore, but mine had less K-Fed, so I win.

Moto seemed to be doing well. Earl took the lead and said he had to lean on his “Michael Jackson moves” to get in the rhythm. I didn’t see any of that though. Not once did he touch any…

…Ooh, is he going to say it?

…is he?

… you know…the thing Michael Jackson is notorious for…

…oh man, I think he is gonna say it…


…part of his crotch. What did you think I was going to say? I am not going to pass any judgment until all the facts are in. You people make me sick.

Also, Earl said BOO! was “doing the whole white guy thing” during practice. What white guy thing? Seriously, I don’t get the joke. I’ve heard we can’t jump, but the whole not dancing thing? I’ve never heard that. People really say that? Who? Eddie Murphy? Chris Rock? Martin Lawrence? Never heard of them.

At Ravu, Lisi was not taking the challenge seriously and this really bugged Kelly Kapowski. “This reminds me of the time when Lisa hurt her ankle right before the big dance contest at the Max and her date backed out and then Screech danced with her anyways and they invented the dance called ‘the sprain.’ Gooooooo Bayside!”

So, both tribes met to dance in front of the tribal judges. This reminded me of the time I had to dance in front of a tribe for my food…and life. I did an hour-long running man, punched clear through the chief’s chest and made out with his daughter while I held his still-beating heart. Then I drove my Ferrari Testarossa off a cliff, jumping out minutes before the car hit the water and was rescued by a boat full of supermodels. True story.

Moto went first. You know that guy who comes through and actually does good at a challenge when he says he will? The guy that can actually dance and do well and stuff? Well, that’s me. My name is Earl. Yeah, Earl did pretty good…as did the rest of Moto. But I still hate ‘em because I am bitter. Bitter, I tells ya! Bitter!

Ravu did not so good. I wish I hadn’t made that Punky Brewster reference last week because their performance reminded me of the time she took tap dancing classes and couldn’t dance and was out of rhythm with the rest of the class. Hey, remember the time Cheri got stuck in the fridge and..huh? Last week? Oh, sorry. I suck. But at least Kelly Kapowski ended the dance with a backflip and a basket toss. Just like they did in the olden Fijianese times. We get it. You cheer. Knock it off. They lost and Lisi got sent to Exile Island.

At their feast, Moto all of a sudden was all in love with each other. I think I even saw the usually bitchified Stacy holding a baby. How surprised was she when she was told now that she has danced the sacred dance with him, she’d have to marry him. Tune in next week for the brand new CBS show, “Stacy and the Fiji Baby.” Watch as Stacy tries to balance keeping a clean hut with escaping grasp of crazed, bloodthirsty cannibals. With guest star Pia Zadora, its bound to be hijinks for sure. That’s Stacy and the Fiji Baby. Tuesdays at 8:30 on CBS. Don’t miss it!

Lisi, stuck on super scare SNAKE ISLAND, was brought to tears. “Ravu just can’t seem to win challenges,” she cried. Gee, you think maybe you should have taken things a little more seriously? She is really awful. And man-like. And full of BACK-FAT. She then went on to say she wanted to quit. Please re-read my awful, man-like, and back-fat critiques. Spot-on, obviously.

Nothing really exciting happened between that and the immunity challenge. Michelle and Earl said they should target Stacy. And that was about it. Right, moving on.

The immunity challenge consisted of three parts with one unifying characteristic – TARGETS!! The tribes would have to use blow-darts, spears, and a bow and arrow to get close to the bulls-eye. Yao Ming brought his own style to each phase, thus causing THE BANISHED ANGEL FROM HEAVEN to laugh in his face. Well, the joke is on you SATAN because he killed in each challenge. And, surprise surprise, Moto won and Ravu lost. If I actually liked this show, right around now is when I would be saying I didn’t anymore because it was too predictable.

After the challenge, Lisi says to the camera that she “can’t take it anymore” and “she is surrounded by losers” and “la-hoo-sa-hers” and “I’m done” and “LOOK AT MY BACK-FAT.” She then went out and asked her tribe to vote her off. She wanted off. Kelly Kapowski was very happy about this. I’m sure he couldn’t contain her spirit fingers.

Although, of course, Lisi has a change of heart as the tribal council was looming and said she wanted to stay and vote Kelly Kapowski out. She is just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, except she isn’t smart enough to be a doctor and her abundance of BACK-FAT would make it impossible for her to “hyde” anywhere. See what I did there? And you thought all the BACK-FAT references were for nothing.

At tribal council, MEPHISTOPHELES asks Lisi if she wants to be here. Kelly Kapowski let her have it because she won’t give a straight answer. I mean, he really hates her. The venom being spewed was much less Kelly Kapowski and much more Valerie Malone. I was about to give Kapowski some props, but then he tried to say “soliloquy” and any chance of respect was lost.

Until next time
Out-BACK, Out-FAT, Out-BACK-FAT,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE VII: FAREWELL , HORRIBLE ACCENT, FAREWELL

Well, my luck is changing, my friends. This week, not only did I get to say goodbye to a tribe member I hated and a running joke that was getting a bit hard to keep fresh, but I won a fifty dollar gift certificate to one of my favorite eateries, was treated to a splendid Office marathon last night (still have a few to watch on my DVR), and my son actually requested to watch “Punky Brewster”, thus saving me from the emasculating task of manipulating him into watching it. I fully expect Florida, Georgetown, and UCLA to get stuck in some ice cave in the Arctic, thus making it possible for my final four to be fully in tact this weekend.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, it was the Christmas episode of Punky where she tells Santa Henry all she wants is one thing for Christmas – her mom. Since she had earlier been told he didn’t exist by Billy Bahootsiz, Henry made it his mission to bring back her mom and ended up discussing this with the real Santa at his magical antique shop. Since her mom is impossible, Santa brings Punky’s mother’s jewelry box, which plays the exact song that Punky had earlier revealed was her mom’s favorite. Awesome, right?

Well, until next time…
Out-Brandon, Out-Margeaux, and Out-Punky Power!

Heh, kidding…

Hey, remember the time Cheri got stuck in the refrigerator and Alan couldn’t save her because he didn’t pay attention in CPR class? No? I’m the only one? Wow, you guys are losers.

Anyways, last night’s episode began with Ravu awaiting Lisi’s return from super slithery snake island. Being all guys, they were like, “Well, I hope she likes football, and barbecue, and kicking each other in the face…YEAHHH! GUYS! HETEROSEXUALNESS AND GUYS!!” But, they really had nothing to worry about. Being both incredibly annoying and a post-op transsexual, Lisi fit right in. Everyone except Kelly Kapowski was excited. “I didn't like her. She didn't like me. She should be worried out of her mind,” warned Kelly, “Remember that time I put on a blonde wig and a trench coat to catch Zach with my little sister? I can be quite diabolical. Go Bayside! SPIRIT FINGERS!!111!!”

At Moto, Earl and Yao Ming were even diabolic-er. You know that guy who takes the tribe on a meaningless walk to go find our boat? The one who did it so a famous basketball player could dig for an immunity idol? That’s me. My name is Earl. And this time it worked. Yao Ming found the idol. Being much more loyal than anyone else who has ever played this game, Yao tells Earl. “I would have never thought that a big strong black man would become one of my best allies in this game. Especially after that time Shaq hurled ethnic slurs at me back in 2003.” Fact-based references are cool.

As the tribes assembled for the reward challenge, EL DIABLO explained the rules. They essentially just had to hurl fireballs at targets using a lacrosse-like hooked hurler thingy. Think Jai Alai, but more exciting. Did I say more exciting? I meant much less exciting. First tribe to hit three targets wins and is swept off to a Ms. Pacman-less arcade via seaplane to eat hot dogs and not play Ms. Pacman. Also, cbs.com called the challenge “Hot La Cross Buns.” They are so not as funny as me. Hey, remember Teen Wolf?!! LOLZLMAO!!!1111!!!!\\\

Nothing much notable happened, except for when Rambo III and Mookie were mocking Yao Ming right before he hurled a fireball right onto a target. Then, when The Specialist got up, he pulled out his usual ‘I suck at everything’ tactic. After he missed, he let out a loud yell. He does that everytime. Hey, Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot, we all expect you to not be good at things…don’t act so surprised.

Also, Ravu won its first challenge. But, as I mentioned before – No Ms. Pacman. They also sent Earl over to Slimy Slimy Snake Aisle…again.

At the arcade, excited with the spread of hot dogs, beer, and brownies, the tribe starts chowing. Mookie commented on one of his new tribemates, “Lisi doesn't hold back. She just went straight at the food and the beer.” He was surprised by this? I was shocked she didn’t start gnawing on the table and try to eat a bowling pin.

After eating one too many hot dogs, all HELLO MOTO!-ers are hunched over in pain or heading to the bathroom to give a little back to the sewers of Fiji. All except Demolition Man, who takes the opportunity to make fun of everyone, “Hey you guys ah wicked sick, huh bro? You guys ah totally acting like I did one time I drank like a handle of Bacahdi and totally threw up all ovah Yawkey. It was pissah!!! RED SOX BRUINS PATRIOTS SOUTHIE WHITEY BULGER THE SWAN BOATS I’M FROM BOSTON!!!” Ed-tardo wasn’t happy. Probably because there was no Ms. Pacman. Or Zaxxon.

And…Earl was bored on Exile Island. As was I…Ummm. Yes. Moving on.

Back at Moto, Yao has a fiendishly clever plan. He paints up a coconut shell as a fake idol and buries it where the hidden idol was, um, hidden. Then he laughed maniacally. Then he tied Cassandra to a train track and twirled his moustache. “Those fools!” he shouted, “Mighty Mouse will never catch me!” Then he punched a turtle. The sun does things to people. Cool things.

For the immunity challenge, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS explained that the all the Survivors would be blindfolded, except one who would be the caller, and would have to make their way down a pathway as the caller directs them and smash one of the hanging skulls (yes, hanging skulls) to send a packet of tiles flying to the ground. Then, still blindfolded, they would have to bring the tiles to a table, leave them, and make their way back to hand off the smashy thing to one of their tribe members. After all tiles were collected, the tribe would have to run up and solve a jumble. Least funny. Paragraph. Ever.

It started with Michelle (wearing pants this week for some reason) calling for Moto and Lisi calling for Ravu. They probably selected List because of her being loud and annoying all the time…but I guess they must have forgotten her ability to suck badly at everything, because in the middle of the challenge, Alex had to step in as the caller. Overall, it was boring, but it got me thinking. How bad of a children’s party game is the piñata? Seriously. I was at a kids’ birthday party recently and they had a piñata. Blindfolding kids and making them swing a bat around leaves the opportunity for injury rather high. Hmmm, did I say it was a bad game? What I meant to say is that it’s awesome and schools should probably work it into the pledge of allegiance every morning. And videotape it. Kids are great, aren’t they?

Also, in a shocking twist, Ravu lost!! “Shocking”? More like “mocking”!! Which is what I just did right there. Is this thing on?

So, facing tribal council, Ravu was faced with the “who to vote out decision.” Alex and Ed-tardo decided that they would rather have someone loyal than someone strong, so they were leaning towards keeping Lisi and voting out Demolition Man. I don’t know about you, but I think Lisi could probably take Copland…and me…and you…and Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Plus, has anyone else there been watching the same challenges I have? Demolition Man hasn’t been good at any of them. Strong? Assassins got pushed off a platform by a male cheerleading coach. Can you tell I am trying to squeeze in as many Stallone movies as I can?

In the end, nobody liked Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. Seriously, nobody. Not even small children. So, Oscar is gone my friends. Also, Rocky V, Tango & Cash, Lock-Up, Cliffhanger, Driven, Daylight, Antz, Judge Dredd, and Rhinestone. I guess he was also in an episode of “Kojak.”

And for those of you who enjoyed the misadventures of our caveman-like moron, he is the first member of the Survivor jury. So, you got that going for you. Also, may God have mercy on your soul.

Until next time
Out-annoy, Out-inspire hate, and Out-yell-to-mask-your-suckitude
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE VI: SERIOUSLY, OSCAR WAS A REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIE

Hello all and welcome to your special Thursday edition of YOUR SURVIVOR NEWSLETTER!! CAPS=EXCITING, RIGHT??

Last night’s show started eerily similar to last week’s and the week before – Ravu was tired and unhappy. Evidently, flies have overtaken the camp and this has some of my least favorite people less than excited. So, for me it was a good night. Yao Ming also seemed happy about still being there. Apparently being a 5-time NBA all-star carries some serious weight because there really is no other reason for him to still be there. Then, upon getting tree mail, Anthony got excited about the challenge having to do with “brainteasers and food.” “What are things Nicole Ritchie avoids like the plague? I’ll take potpourri for $400, Alex.”

BREAKING NEWS: In a wonderful new development, Michelle’s outfit seems to be getting smaller by the minute…we will keep you updated as this story progresses. Now, back to your regularly scheduled work of genius.

At the challenge field, THE DEVIL INCARNATE tells each tribe to select a member. I guess all involved must have misheard that as, “Pick two people whom we have all forgotten are still on this show” because both Earl and Ed-tardo stepped up. MEPHISTOPHELES then tells everyone to “drop their buffs” in his smug way and informs them that they will be choosing new tribes. Ed and Earl were to choose someone from the opposite tribe and then those people had to choose from the tribe they also were not of belonging to and so on and so on. Since there was an odd number of people, one person would have to be left out. The new Moto tribe is now Earl, BOO!, Michelle, Stacy, and Cassandra. The new Ravu were Ed-tardo, Mookie, Alex, Anthony, Kelly Kapowski, and Over the Top. (“Meet me halfway…across the stars”) Anthony and Lisi ended up being the last two left…man, Anthony is seriously going to kill himself after this show. But, at least he was deemed better than FAT, ANNOYING, COWBOY HAT GIRL.

Left alone to her own devices, apparently Lisi goes cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I guess she wants to go home? I’m not really sure. When LUCIFER stated that she is still in the game, she responds laughing, “I thought this would be like, I'm out. Now would be a good time to exit.” Then she goes on to say, “All I'm saying is that I wouldn't mind you know, saying, 'Okay, great guys, do your business.” Then she ate some sand, peed her pants, and declared herself the king of England. Lisi es loco y grande. No such luck for us, she is banished to super slithery snake island.

BUT…THE….TWISTS….DON’T…END…THERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, DAMIEN:THE OMEN II says we still have to figure out who lives where. Ed-farto and Earl RPS (“rock, paper, scissors for those of you not in the circuit”) to decide who reaches into the bag o’ buffs to blindly select an orange (crappy Ravu camp) or green (less crappy Moto camp) buff. He selected orange. Right.

While on snake island, Lisi “explains” herself, “After the team split yeah I pretty much had a fit," laughs Lisi. "I wish I would have just stopped for a minute and let things soak in. But I'm more of an abrasive character. Dude I can't change who I am. You either take me or you put me on Exile Island.” Abrasive? ABRASIVE?? Oh right…actually, she’s pretty on point about that one. She sucks. On the bright side, we did get a nice close-up of her face and an aerial shot down her shirt. Did I say bright side? I meant awful, blinding, dark side.

Arriving at the less crappy Moto camp, Earl, in his excitement, starts jumping all over the furniture with glee. It reminded me so much of the scene from Annie where she arrives at Daddy Warbucks’ house and starts running all through the rooms and…Erm, I mean…ummm…Football rules! And hot chicks! And other heterosexual things! Also, Earl called the place “ri-donk-ulous.” “You know that guy who spouts off really out-of-date ethnic slang? The guy who just can’t seem to develop a personality on this show? That’s me. My name is Earl.”

THIS JUST IN: A witness has confirmed that, yes, Michelle’s outfit is definitely shrinking. Not only her bottoms, but now her top is allegedly even growing smaller by the minute. We will keep you updated as blurs develop…

Back over at Chez Crap, the new Ravu men attempt to lift camp morale by saying how much they hate women. Rhinestone said something to the tune of, “Look, I like women for, like making out and conversation, bro…but in this type of game, you don't need any stupid girl stories or distractions or anything stupid like that.” When he said “women,” I assume he meant to place the words “passed-out” “inflatable” or “80 year-old” before that because I am pretty sure that’s the only making out he’s been a part of. Anthony, meanwhile, held back the tears as he claimed, “I'm a nerd; I'm a geek, I'm a dweeb, whatever the hell you want to call it. I have been for forever. This is the burly man team. And right now I'm obviously the weakest person on the tribe. I am so screwed right now.” Then, for some reason, the writers decided to throw in a shot of a bunch of red ants devouring a spider. Was that supposed to be a metaphor for something? Is the spider Anthony? Are the red ants Jeff Probst? I am so confused.

Switching back to Chez Not as Crap, Cassandra decides to bring coffee out to the fishing-occupied Earl and Yao Ming. She sees an opportunity and is obviously trying to form an alliance with these two. Earl likes this, “I have Yao Ming. I have Michelle. They're all about the team. All you need's that one vote. And then who has the power then? That would be me." I really have nothing funny to say about that. Apologies.

Over at Ravu, Alex attempts to bring Mookie into his already existing alliance with Ed-tardo, and Kelly Kapowski. They all decide to vote out Anthony over Cliffhanger because, I don’t know, I guess some people do still remember he was nominated for an Oscar for Rocky. A warning to you all though…never trust anyone who was involved in the movie Oscar. No, not even Marisa Tomei.

Also, Anthony has started fearing his place in his tribe is not secure because he is the one tending the fire and fetching water. He also does this horrible cowboy impression thing that went something like this, “Old Cookie’ll just stay back heyah and tend tha fiyah…” Awful. Such a dumb joke. Nowhere near my level of humor. Like, remember that time I was talking about Boo and then I ended the paragraph with “BOO!” Now, that’s good stuff.

The immunity challenge involved each tribe being secured into a six-point, star-shaped hub and had to communicate with each other to make it through a bamboo maze. That’s the best explanation I can give. I guess I can throw in an adjective. What’s the opposite of exciting and enjoyable?

After a few tie-ups between tribes, Moto ended up winning. You may just think the name Ravu is cursed, but remember what I said about Oscar earlier. Exactly.

Anthony, now on the chopping block (ugh, did I just say chopping block?) tries to rally the tribe members together to vote off Assassins. Then we are treated to a nice montage of overreactions and angry outbursts by our monosyllabic friend. Ed-tardo also took a break from being boring to say that his new tribe member has a “few screws loose” and he “wouldn’t like to be friends with him.” Then he faded back into obscurity.

At tribal council, Nighthawks laid into Anthony…calling him a girl, telling him to put on a skirt, saying he’s feminine and WE GET IT! HE ACTS LIKE A GIRL PLEASE COME UP WITH OTHER POINTS OF VIEW. In retaliation, Anthony just repeated Rocky’s words back to him in a higher voice.

“You’re effeminate, bro!”
“Effiminate?”
“You’re like a little girl”
“I’m like a little girl?”
“All you do is whine.”
“Whine?”
“No thanks. I’m driving”

Laughing….and…..freeze!

Oh, right…Anthony was voted out.

Until next timeOut-whine, Out-act like a girl, and Out-hope that Michelle’s clothes grow even smaller by next week,Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE V: HOW I LEARNED TO HATE…EVERYBODY

First off, let me apologize for not sending out a recap last week. I was at death’s door. Thank God, death went to Flagstaff and said he’d be back on Monday. What a worm.

O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her, give her a break.

I know. I can’t believe you missed this either.

Anyways, last night’s episode left me wondering which tribe I hated worst. I am really having a hard time being ok with anyone on that show being alive. It’s like watching a baseball game between the Yankees and Polio. In the end, I guess I’d just sort of wish for a stadium flood to wipe them all out.

The show began with Earl and Yao Ming discussing the hidden immunity idol. They decide to team up to try and find it. I guess Yao Ming is a step up from his brother Randy, who is always hilariously bumbling. Joy is pretty. Hey, also…I wouldn’t trust Yao. Ever since he faked not being able to speak English in front of Marge Simpson so he didn’t have to clear the table, he has been a little suspect to me.

To help Yao find the idol, Earl asked the tribe to “go somewhere that’s not here so that we can’t be here and Yao Ming can be so that he can be alone.” Everyone, being one tamale short of a Honda Civic (hm?), thought it sounded like a great idea. Then, Anthony and Earl made love on a mountain top while Yao Ming proved basketball players can’t dig. No hidden idol this week.

Even in Survivor-land, they get junk mail. Tree mail brought each tribe a catalog. The tribe members were asked to choose two items they would want to win for the reward challenge among things such as cookies and milk, coffee, fishing gear, chocolate cake, etc. Rocky V wanted chocolate cake. Now, remember, Ravu had absolutely nothing. And he wanted to get the chocolate cake instead of, say, fishing gear. Rocky V is even worse than I remember.

At the reward challenge, the devil, er, Probst, er, devil unveiled what each tribe chose. Ravu went with fishing gear and potatoes. Moto chose coffee and toiletries. Winner takes all. In a grudge match. One-ON-ONE! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! YOUR TICKET MAY PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE! GRAVEDIGERRRRR VERSUS BIG FOOT! KIDS’ TICKETS ARE STILL ONLY TEN BUCKS! DON’T MISS IT!

Whoa, sorry about that. The challenge was total American Gladiators, minus the performance-enhancing drugs, protein powder, and Zap. Survivors would square off against one another in a mud-surrounded ring and, using padded bags, fight sumo-style and try to knock each other into the mud.

Dreamz laughed at the possibility of winning yet another piece of fishing gear. This angered Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, so he told Dreamz to bring it. And here I was, my hate of that awful Bostonian forcing me to root…for…a…male cheerleading coach. I felt so dirty. Regardless, Dreamz (the ‘z’ is so gangsta…SPIRIT FINGERS!) knocked Daylight out of the ring faster than that fat Cobra Kai guy. Seriously, what was up with that guy? No way Kreese would let him in his dojo. YOU’RE THE BEST AROUND…NOTHIN’S GONNA EVER KEEP YOU DOWN!

I am just gonna say what everyone knows already – Ravu lost. Yes, they are awful. Also, Yao Ming beat on a woman. Man, basketball players.

Back at the Moto camp, Stacy and Lisi decided to be rude to Dreamz and Cassandra because they weren’t in their alliance and wouldn’t help them use the French press they won. They were seriously very rude. Alex “smelled” trouble. Get it? Because he has a big nose. These are the jokes, folks. He didn’t see a point in being rude to them because if there was a merge, those two could easily switch and win majority. Ed-tardo also took his break from blending into the scenery to say he didn’t like it.

Now, Lisi. How can she feel so comfortable in her place there. We are all pretty sure when it comes down to it, you’re the first one gone out of that group. Lisi, every group has an ugly, annoying chick. If you look around and can’t find her, you’re it. Yup, you’re Andrea Zuckerman.

Back at Ravu, the guys were annoyed with Rita and Michelle having personalities. I guess they talked too much. “The whole lip gloss and go thing just ain’t my thing,” said Driven, “things are things with things who have things.” He also said he would smack them with a fried pineapple. I need his address, soon.

The immunity challenge was basically a game of Memory with tribe members flipping over boards containing either words or numbers and then trying to match them up with other boards which also featured words or numbers, with some non-matching boards thrown in. Why yes, it was boring. It came down to tribes being tied. Tango & Cash was Ravu’s last hope (see where this is going?) He flipped over a 9. Now, on the last turn, someone just flipped over the other 9. Like 1 minute ago. Nope, he didn’t find it. How is he still on the show? Seriously.

Back at camp, Get Carter got real: “Bro, look bro. I blew it. But, people were all talking to me. And I get confused. Bro. look. Bro. Bacahdi. Hahvahd. Pahk the cah. Hockey. Baked beans. The Red Sox. Bro. Look. Bro.”

In the end, his superb speaking skills won and they voted out Rita. She seemed pretty shocked, but said, “I leave this game feeling very proud. I just hope that I made my kids proud because that's the main reason that I did this.” Yes, I am sure the constant blurring of your breasts made them immensely proud.

Until next time
Out-talk a big game, Out-suck at all the challenges, and Out-please vote out Copland,
Wayne

SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE III: STILL BETTER THAN GREY’S ANATOMY

Sorry for the late newsletter this week everyone, but I promise I will make it up to you with a thrilling, highly interesting Survivor recap that will in no way bore you or confuse you, but instead will make you feel as though YOU WERE THERE!*

Before we begin, though, I wanted to say a word about last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy:

SPOILER AHEAD

It was awful

END OF SPOILER

The show began in Paris Hilton-vision with that really horrible, terrible, sorry excuse for a tribe talking about how brutal tribal council was. The tribe came to the realization that they need to pull together as a tribe to win. Great Strategy! Also, they came to the conclusion that fire is hot, water is wet, and OTHER OBVIOUS THINGS!

Back at Moto, the tribe spent the morning eating plantains and painting the floor. Then, after crapping in his golden toilet, Boo commented on the tribe’s good fortune, “It’s not even survival, it’s ‘thrival’” Boo’s strengths include being clumsy, one word sentences, and word play that makes absolutely no sense. BOO!...got’cha.

Upon his return from Exile Island, Earl asked his tribe, “You know that guy who just spent a whole night with a bunch of snakes? The guy who still has no idea where the hidden immunity idol is? Well, that’s me. My name is Earl.” Sorry, these are the only Earl-based jokes I can come up with. Maybe I’ll come up with something better soon. It’s still “earl”-y. Heh, see? Things are already looking up.

Michelle, sick of being without fire and a personality decided to at tackle one shortcoming at a time and held her glasses to a dry piece of coconut husk. Eventually, the sun broke through and there was fire. Then, to get a better look at it, she put her glasses back on and burned her retinas. Man, that would have been so great. Anyway, Rocky exclaimed, “now we got that shot in the ass we need.” Basically, with fire, they felt the other tribe should “look out now” for them. Right…didn’t you say the same thing when you found the pineapples last week? The only thing that may help you guys is some sort of basketball-themed reward challenge where Yao Ming can finally prove he deserves to be on the show…

…

…

Well, look at this…this is sort of basketball-y. The reward challenge started with the Probst congratulating Ravu for sucking a little less and making fire. Then he stole someone’s soul. Anywho, the reward challenge went like this: Survivors would square off, one-on-one, and make their way down a slippery course of, I don’t know, Mazola? To grab balls (heh) and square off, one-on-one to try and get them into the basket, squared off and one-on-one. You would think Yao Ming’s tribe would have this one locked, but you’d be an idiot. Also, the Joker kept slipping on her butt and screaming “curses!” over and over. Clowns are funny. Also, they couldn’t have done this challenge when the participants were attractive? Mazola? Hello. Hi. Mazola.

So, Moto won (surprise!) and won their choice of luxury items, fishing gear, or fruit (they chose fishing gear) and the opportunity to send one member of Ravu to Exile Island. SNAKES! They sent the Joker because of the time he killed Moto’s parents outside a movie theater when they were just a little boy. I know…it doesn’t make sense, but I have to get in all my Joker jokes while I can. THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA!!

On Exile Island, the Joker reflected on her poor performance, “this is more embarrassing than the time I went to Vicki Vale’s apartment and found her with that millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Man, that Bruce Wayne looks so familiar.” She then looked at the new hidden immunity idol clue. It was some sort of rhyme, but I forget what it said…something like:

Joker is ugly
Joker is dumb
Her face hurts me
Dig under the tallest arch in the cave for the hidden immunity idol
Sailboats sail far on the water

Back off ladies, this poet is taken.

Back at the Moto camp, OLD GUY #1 did what most old people do and got forgot his name. He couldn’t catch his breath and got dizzy. They ended up calling in the Survivor medical team. Survivor Medical team? Jesus. Look, if this was a real test of survival, OLD GUY#1 would do what most old people would do in his situation…die and be eaten to better the tribe. Who would have seen this coming? The old fat guy is having trouble breathing and doing things? INSANE!

Immunity challenge time – fear factor style! Yup, they brought out the nasty food (giant clams, octopus tentacles, fish eyes, worms, etc.) and people had to eat them and, well, that’s it. I’ll just skip to the end…Anthony lost it for Ravu as OLD GUY#1 beat him in the eating of pig snouts. I bet, since he had already started losing his mind, they just told him it was prime rib or that rice pudding they have on Thursdays at the rest home. GRANDPA POWER!

So, again, that really horrible, awful, sucky bit of a tribe has to vote someone off. Mookie was not happy with Anthony because of how badly he performed at the immunity challenge. So it was between Anthony and the Joker…except in the mind of Rita (who?) Rita had a crazy plan to select someone no one expected her to. Huh? That may be the stupidest plan I have heard since that guy in Season 1 who voted according to the alphabet.

In the end, though, the Joker’s evil ways were thwarted…for now. As she was leaving she said, “good luck” and then squirted them all with her trick flower full of acid. Surprisingly, the deformities it caused actually made them all look a little better.

Until next time
Out-grandpa, Out-suck at everything RAVU!, and Out-curses BATMAN!
Wayne

*my fingers were crossed