SURVIVOR TOMAHAWK FINALE: WE’RE ALL WINNERS. OH, EXCEPT FOR YOU. AND YOU. AND DEFINTELY YOU.

So, ok….the Survivor finale happened. But, you know what? I am getting pretty sick of writing about the show. Honestly, I mean, I am just tapped out. So, I decided instead to write about current events and add my own “Wayne-ness” to them. Here we go. Let’s get zany!

Jimmy Fallon has a new late night TV show. But I hear the show hasn’t been doing that well. Yeah. His ratings keep fallon every week. Hey-OH!

You like that one? You ain’t heard nothing yet. So, did you hear Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violating the substance abuse policy in baseball? Yeah. But, when they found out he was actually taking feminine fertility drugs, they changed his punishment. Now, he can return to baseball, but he has to change his name to…get ready for this…you ready? Wo-Manny Ramirez. Wo-manny. Wo-man. Woman. Count it!

Hey, I’m just getting warmed up. Did you hear Jon cheated on Kate? So, according to my calculations, that comes out to: Jon & Kate + 8 + mistress – dignity = I DON’T CARE!!!!111. Whoa, doctor! Did someone order an extra shot of funny? Well, you got it mister. Nurse!!!!111

Hm? OK. Fine. God. I’ll write about it. So, the Survivor finale just happened. Hoop-ee-doo.

The show started with JT, Gilbert, Erinn, & HULK coming back from voting out White Power Ranger at the last tribal council. Gilbert says that JT voting for Erinn is going to now make him look like the villain because it exposed Gilbert’s betrayal of White Power Ranger. Just like that time in the Bible when that dude Judas Priest told all those guys about that other guy. Then he was all, “I’m Hell Bent for Leather.” Then Beavis & Butthead were like BREAKIN’ THE LAW BREAKIN’ THE LAW. Then that “Push the Little Daisies and Make em Come Up” video came on. Then Cornholio. I don’t know why more people don’t read the Bible. Well, ok. I never really read it. But, I used to keep my arcade money in it. And this one time, I scored 1,000,000 on Zaxxon. I bet God was totally proud of me.

After this exchange with Gilbert saying he didn’t want to look like a betrayor, he revealed to the camera that he was thinking about not taking JT to the final two, even though he said he would. But, I can’t blame Gilbert for doing whatever it takes to make this. He needs it. Things have really gone downhill since winning the Homecoming carnival for ol’ Gil. I mean, he had it all that night – the girl, the friends, the yellow jumpsuit. Then, though, he broke his leg in a chess match and couldn’t go with the rest of the Tri-Lams to Ft. Lauderdale. After that, it was like his brothers just forgot about him. Then, he joined some type of weird paintball militia thing. Then, he went off and joined the air force and sang “Great Balls of Fire” and died. Then he became a doctor and died also. Yeah, he died twice. Anything is possible in the world of magic.

The betrayal doesn’t stop with Gilbert though. HULK wants to screw someone over too. Gilbert and HULK discuss voting out JT if he doesn’t win immunity:

Gilbert: Voting out JT seems as obvious a choice as Captain James Tiberius Kirk choosing to bed Uhura. With the aliens and the overacting and the HEY COME CHECK OUT MY CONTROL DECK. GLAYVIN!!
HULK: HULK THINK THIS ONLY WAY. BUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME FOR VOTE?
Gilbert: J-T.
HULK: SLOW DOWN EGGHEAD. USE IN SENTENCE.
Gilbert: I wish I were as cool as JT. With the Southern drawl. And the physical prowess.
HULK: SLOW. DOWN.
Gilbert: OK. Take one T off the end of your favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. RICHARD KARN HAVE NO “T” IN NAME.
Gilbert: OK. Second-favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. J. ERM. J….J…JT….JT! HULK GOT IT. GILBERT BEST. WANT HUG?
Gilbert: No thanks. With the rib-crushing and the delicate bones and the STEROID-INDUCED RAGE. GLAYVIN!

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Erinn and JT went to get treemail. And it was a plastic spider. I screamed so loud. Not because of the spider, though. I screamed because Erinn looks a lot like that chick that crawls out of the TV in The Ring. Now, I am probably gonna die in 7 days. Just great.

As the final four gather for the immunity challenge, we find out why there was a plastic spider. The challenge requires the tribemates to move through a tarantula-shaped obstacle course and retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. Then, they had to assemble this web-shaped puzzle thing. Though I would like to point out that the spider they found in the treemail looked more like a Black Widow than a Tarantula. Ahem. Glayvin.

JT jumped out to a big lead in the first leg (get it? Leg? Spider legs? Whatever) and Erinn was in dead last. But, even though JT puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore, Erinn caught up to him and it was neck and neck as the two scrambled to fit their pieces in. JT, however, finally found a place for his last piece and emerged victorious, guaranteeing himself a spot in the final three. Wow. JT won. How surprising. Also surprising? Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.

Back at camp after the challenge, Erinn talks with Gilbert and JT in the water and makes an argument for her to stay in the game. She explains that HULK could get a lot of jury votes, so it would make sense to get rid of her before it gets to that. That would make sense. What doesn’t make sense is the plot to Encino Man. I mean, there is no way Pauly Shore would ever survive high school ALIVE. No. Possible. Way.

Next came the first tribal council of the night. GEORGE BURNS IN OH GOD YOU DEVIL asked Gilbert point-blank if he planned on taking the best to the end or doing whatever it takes to give him the best chance of winning. Gilbert admits that he would base his vote on what would give him the best chance of making it all the way. He therefore voted for an end to Nerd Prosecution. And Sex Robots…he voted for Sex Robots.

In the end, JT and Gilbert went against their alliance and voted out HULK. Which worked out because WRITING ALL IN CAPS is just not as funny as it once was. To me, at least. So, in saying goodbye to HULK, we say goodbye to gamma rays. And awful 90’s pop music. HULK GET SO WEAK IN THE KNEES HIM CAN HARDLY SPEAK. H-H-U-U-L-L-K-K.

The next morning, Gilbert further proves his capacity to betray by forming a pact with Erinn. She says that if she makes it to the final two, she will take him. And he basically says if he makes it, he will take her. And I say they should burn every Wile E. Coyote cartoon where he talks. Who thought this was a good idea? It’s like, “Hey, that Wile E. Coyote is pretty funny, but you know who else is really funny? Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. If only there was a way to combine the two.” Probably the 2nd worst decision ever in cartoons. The worst? Has to be, “Hey, that mouse hitting that cat with a frying pan and then the cat sticking the mouse in an electric socket is hilarious. But, you know what would be even better? If they were friends and were really nice to each other and just sort of hung out.” Yeah, those have to be the two worst cartoon-related decisions. Also, Scrappy-Doo and that decision to greenlight that cartoon where Gary Coleman plays Gary Coleman but he’s actually an angel that helps people are pretty high up there as well. Actually, maybe that whole Gary Coleman thing should be #1. Who the hell knows? What do I look like? A cartoon historian? Well, maybe I do. But I’m not.

Then came the part of the finale I always enjoy most. The torches of the fallen. For those unfamiliar, here is where the remaining three Survivors have to go and walk amongst the torches of everyone they stabbed in the back and then burn them all as some ceremonial way of honoring them or some crap. And they have to reflect at every torch. Even on the people that were there for like a day.

JT: Hey, remember Candace?
Erinn: No
Gilbert: No
Erinn: No
JT: No
Gilbert: Yes. Wait. I mean, no.

This one was actually pretty boring though. I was hoping for some funny stuff when they got to White Power Ranger, but nothing really. Erinn said it was her favorite blindside. And JT and Gilbert agreed that he changed the game “in his way.” “In his way” is just a way to gently say that he really did not in fact change the game. I have gotten a lot of “in his way”s in my day:

“Wayne is learning to open up to the other kids…in his way”
“Wayne is expressing his anger…in his way”
“Wayne graduated high school…in his way”
“Wayne is learning to quench the murderous rage that lives inside him…in his way”
“Wayne is dealing with his glue-sniffing problem…in his way”

Next up was the final immunity challenge of the season. HUZZAH! The challenge involved THE PROBST saying “balls” a lot. It involved this track thing that the tribe members had to drop these balls into and then catch them at the other end. Then they had to keep increasing the amount of balls and keep catching them. If you dropped a ball, you were out. And you had to do it with your hand tied behind your back. Oh, PROBST, you wicked wicked man. The track reminded me of that bowling ball thing at the Museum of Science. Man, I love science. I always have. I remember doing experiments even when I was a little kid. I still do them even now. That’s why all the dead bodi…erm…test tubes I mean. Yeah, test tubes. That’s why all those test tubes are in my basement. Covered that up pretty nicely.

So, I will just skip to the boring ending of the challenge. JT won. Why did I bet on Gilbert? I am always doing that. I should take the sure thing. It’s like when I bet against the Bulls in ‘92. And the Cowboys in ’93. And Stallone in Over the Top. I mean, did you even see “Bull” Hurley? But I hadn’t counted on him turning his hat backwards. Apparently, it makes him feel like a truck. Dammit. Meet me halfway. Across the sky.

Back at camp, Erinn reveals to JT that Gilbert said he would take her to the finals as a last-ditch effort to make it through. And Gilbert tells us that he agrees that the smart thing for JT to do would be to take Erinn. And according to those TV commercials, the smart thing for me to do would be to call the Art Instruction Schools. Yes, I like to draw. And paint. And maybe just sketch and doodle in my spare time. All I have to do is draw a turtle and I’m in! I love how the guy is like, “Do you like to sketch and doodle? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a serious art student.” It’d be like asking, “Do you enjoy writing your name in the corner of an envelope when you send letters? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a world-renowned novelist.”

At tribal council, Erinn lays out to LUCIFER what she said to JT about having a better shot against her at the final council than he would against Gilbert. Then Gilbert said that JT should keep him because they can have breakfast together the next day. BEELZEBUB joked about weighing breakfast against a million dollars, but you know what? Haha DEVIL, but that’s how I got most of my dates when I was younger. It was really easy. I mean, all these women were just standing there…in line…for soup. And I show up with promises of eggs and bacon? I was like a younger, more acne-covered Daddy Warbucks to them. True, I always ended up having only Froot Loops or, more often than not, the less expensive Frute Rings, but still…they got to dream for just a little bit. And isn’t that what life is all about? Dreams?

JT goes against Erinn’s advice, however, and votes her out…taking Gilbert to the final two with him.

THE END.

…

…

…

Nah.

The next morning, the two feel zero remorse about voting out Erinn. Because the extra ‘n’ stood for ‘not likeable.’ Then they check treemail and find the breakfast Gilbert teased JT with. And they eat every bit of it. And drink all the orange juice. And champagne. Which I am sure was supposed to go in the orange juice. But JT is a hillbilly. And hillbillies will always hilariously do the wrong thing in social situations. Like use the wrong fork. Or put ketchup on their filet mignon. Or marry their cousin. Or marry their sister. Or marry their horse. Hilarious.

Then came the final tribal council – facing the jury. Let’s just say Gilbert totally totally blew this. I mean, every answer came across as slimy and scrambling and defensive. He starts off saying that while JT was the “better woodsman” and “better sportsman” and had the “Most Charming Southern Drawl” (?), he has grown the most. So, you know, too bad this isn’t ‘Up With People’ camp and is instead ‘Survivor’ where being better is sort of the key. JT’s response can be summarized best as “I am better at this than him so vote for me.”

Then the questions came. Some highlights:

Andrea Zuckerman asked Gilbert a pretty good question – “If JT hadn’t won immunity, who would be sitting up here with you. And he answered, after some squirming, that he was afraid Erinn would be sitting up there with him. I don’t think that answer hurt him though. He was at least honest. What does hurt him is that he looks a little like this guy I used to work with that had to walk around at lunch to like 5 different restaurants in Boston to see what type of soup they were serving that day before deciding on where to eat.

White Power Ranger said…something or other. It was about “warriors” and “wizards” though. That you can be sure of.

Sierra just has a lot of anger. Which makes her a lot hotter.

HULK got pretty upset and started crying and asking why they lied to her. Gilbert got especially slimy here as he threw JT under the bus and said JT wanted to get rid of her for a while. Which was not completely true…as Gilbert also wanted to get rid of her. Then Gilbert said, “friendship means more than money” even though he just said he would have probably taken Erinn to the final with him. Gilbert is teh bad.

And then…WE ARE LIVE. I’m not even gonna bother complaining about the lack of helicopters and fireworks and charging bulls because it seems they aren’t even considering that type of PROBST entrance anymore. Fascists.

Should I even bother saying who won? Haven’t we all figured it out? Please refer back to my Stallone versus “Bull” Hurley comment above. Of course JT won. And of course he got all the votes. And of course that bottle of Jim Beam on my table was empty by now. SO, yes, JT…the favorite…won. Unanimously.

The reunion show was pretty uneventful. JT also won the $100K fan favorite award and is still friends with Gilbert despite him being a terrible person. And THE DEVIL HIMSELF asked White Power Ranger to take a lie detector test on his Amazon story. He declined the offer and then took one on his own, bringing the results to the show himself. They looked pretty legit. Until you looked on the back of the sheet where you saw the words “Exotic Spices” “Ponytail holders” and “ Jasmine Rub” crossed out. It was his shopping list. On the back of the lie detector results. He wrote it himself is what I am saying. Ugh.

Talk about going out on a high note.

Thanks for a great season everyone,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOMATOSOUP EPISODE XIII: WHITE POWER RANGER IS TEH BEST EVAR

Hey everyone. Sorry about not writing a newsletter last week, but I did warn you I would be away at Disney last week. But I’m back baby! No, I swear. Yeah, I was totally gone. For like 8 days. Stop it. I know you missed me. Huh? It’s me. Wayne. The guy who writes those newsletters. About Survivor. What? Yeah, I send one a week. No…it’s Wayne. You’re such a jerk.

Anyways, a quick update on last week’s results. I only watched tribal council, so I really only know who got voted off. But, I can probably guess what happened in the rest of the episode. Andrea Zuckerman lied about something. White Power Ranger acted like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Erinn scowled. In the end, we said goodbye to Andrea Zuckerman. And it looked like a pretty big blindside. Everyone voted for Andrea Zuckerman, except for White Power Ranger (who voted for HULK), and Andrea Zuckerman (who voted for White Power Ranger…duh duh duh). Sorry Andrea. But at least you still have this newsletter. Yep, every week. I swear. Check your junk folder.

So, this week’s episode started as most episodes do with everyone returning from tribal council. White Power Ranger was all distraught about how the vote turned out. I guess everyone was supposed to be voting for HULK. But, as I said, everyone else voted for Andrea Zuckerman. Except of course for Andrea Zuckerman, who voted for White Power Ranger. So, basically, everyone deceived White Power Ranger. But Andrea was the decievingest. Therefore, White Power Ranger is cool with everyone…except Andrea Zuckerman. There is a scale of deceit here…and it’s all relative. Which is not to be confused with West Virginia’s slogan, “We’re all relatives.” Did I really just go there? Heck yes I did. Though I do see where White Power Ranger is coming from though. Like in high school, everyone used to throw garbage at me, but Larry Birkenblaum was the only one who didn’t light it on fire or poo on it. He was my best friend. Until I found out he collected Hardy Boys books. What a dork!

The next day, White Power Ranger starts talking about how he does not want to go to SUPER DOOPER HOLY CRUD WHAT ISLAND. He is all of a sudden talking about asthma and a bad back and that he could not handle going because of these ailments. Then he put a thermometer under a hot water bottle and said that he couldn’t miss going to CRAP MY PANTS ISLAND because he has a big test today. Then, he set up a dummy and a snoring machine in his bed in case his parents came back home. Then he got chased by his principal and his sister and went to a Cubs game. Then he had a super hot girlfriend that I had a huge crush on when I was 10. Then he…BOW BOW CHICK CHICK CHICKA CHICKAHHHHHH DIDDY BOW BOW OOMA OOMA CHICKA CHICKAHHHH.

Gilbert and JT then decide that White Power Ranger is just making excuses because he is scared to go to OH.MAH.GOD ISLAND and that they should, therefore, send him over the next chance they get. Seems kind of mean to me. It’d be like if someone made me watch the trash barrel scenes from The Great Outdoors over and over again while reading aloud from Rascal. Right? Right? Oh…did I mention I was afraid of raccoons? Hmmm, that joke probably would have been funnier if I mentioned that first. Well, I think it would have been.

Raccoons are nature’s bandits. Vile creatures.

So, yeah, their plan is to send White Power Ranger over there to weaken him before the next immunity challenge. Guys, unless the challenge involves pathologically lying, being an annoyance, or pretending to be John Hatcher from Marked for Death, I think you’re safe. Dude, Steven Segal’s name in Marked for Death was John Hatcher. How awful of a hero name is John Hatcher. He was up against a dude named Screwface, for Christmas sake. Even if they just made it John Hatchet or something. But John Hatcher sounds like he should be running the neighborhood hardware store. He doesn’t sound like a ponytailed retired DEA agent out for revenge.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, all the tribe members had to make their way through a maze with their feet shackled together and grab this pole, see. And then they had to use this pole to retrieve a sandbag, which they would then use to knock down some targets and raise a flag. JT won. Because he is really the only one who is good at anything that involves standing and/or moving. He won an overnight reward at the Governor’s Retreat with a bed, shower, and food. He chose Gilbert to share it with him. And he got to send someone to WHAT WAS THAT? ISLAND. He, of course, said he would send White Power Ranger. I, of course, was on my third whiskey.

Now, here is where things really started to get AWESOME. White Power Ranger says he is going to take the “monastic approach.” He says he’s not gonna eat…he’s not going to build a fire. He is just going to meditate. Just such an incredibly White Power Ranger thing to say. He never disappoints. Then, Erinn stupidly chimes in with, “He’s gonna take the martyr approach” and that he diminishes all they are going through by constantly making his struggles seem more difficult. This was incredibly dumb. Why would she say that? At this point in the game? It just doesn’t make any sense. It makes even less sense than when Mama Cass guest starred on Scooby-Doo. Seriously, would any kid have been excited about that? Ooooooh, I can’t believe the big fat lady from the Mamas and the Papas is going to be on Scooby-Doo….Clear my schedule!

White Power Ranger, though, does not back down. In fact, he delivered what may be my favorite White Power Ranger gem of all time. After Erinn lays into him, he says that he wants this stay on SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE ISLAND to be tough on him and he then says in Goldmember style,

“Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benatar.”

Wow. This guy is perhaps one of my favorite people in the world. He actually added Pat Benatar at the end. Was he calling THE PROBST Pat Benatar? Or was he simply trying to impress us with his music knowledge prowess? And he went on, “Don’t Be Cruel, Elvis Presley, just because I am a Warrior, Scandal, and am going to stay on an Island in the Sun, Weezer. You Talk Too Much, Run DMC, and you are coming off as a Creep, Radiohead. I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor, and I’ll be Stronger, Britney Spears, because of this little Vacation, Go-Go’s so you can Eat It, Weird “Al” Yankovik”

Back at the camp, Erinn tells HULK she feels bad about what she said to White Power Ranger after the challenge. She is hoping this doesn’t get her voted off. HULK assures her, “WHITE POWER RANGER GO HOME. ERINN STAY. ERINN FRIEND. WHITE POWER RANGER GET VOTE OFF.”

OK, so I know I keep saying this was my favorite thing White Power Ranger ever did and that was my favorite thing White Power Ranger said and I want to father White Power Ranger’s baby, but this next little segment was really, really awe-inspiring…

We now get to White Power Ranger’s stay on DON’T GO IN THE WOODS ISLAND. And yes, it was everything you hoped it would be. I feel like I could write a whole newsletter about just this one part of the show. It starts with this really dramatic Kung-Fu type music accompanying White Power Ranger as he treks through the sand. And you just know something monumental is about to happen. Like right before you finally saw the light saber fight between Annakin and Obi-Wan. Except White Power Ranger is way more likeable than Hayden Christensen. And less whiny. And doesn’t spout off poorly written love-drive dialogue comparing the future mother of Luke Skywalker to sand. You know, looking at George Lucas, you’d think he’d know something about love. Right? Gah.

So, after his instrumentally accompanied sand walk, White Power Ranger drops this number on us, “It’s gonna be like the ancient American Indians that are my ancestors, used to go out into the wilderness for forty-eight hours and they would commune with the creator of the universe and they would become men.” So, I am all like, “American Indians? Check. Up-playing his struggle? Check. Faux-deep transcendental musings? Check.” So, I am thinking we got this White Power Ranger-ism out of the way. But he then continues, “Well I’m already a man so this would just make me…more of a man, but this is going to be an adventure.” It’s like he was be-awesome before and then it was all WHOAAA he just became even cooler. It’d be like if after Rocky knocked out Ivan Drago, he flew off to push the Moon out of its natural orbit and caused a solar eclipse, thus terminating Nuclear Man’s powers. We would call it Super Rockyman IV: The Quest for Drago’s Peace. Hmmm, actually…lets not call it that.

Then, White Power Ranger does what any dragonslayer would do and constructs a “dragon cane.” Well, he more picked up a stick than constructed it. Then what do you think he did? I tell you what…let’s make it multiple choice. He:

A.) Curled up and fell asleep
B.) Said “well, what a lovely day. I think I will go for a walk.”
C.) Started a fire successfully and appeared to know what he was doing
D.) Performed awful martial arts moves with his new dragonslayer cane

If you chose C, well….please stop reading and give Sylvan Learning Center a call. You need some help. Your brain has officially stopped functioning.

At the reward, JT and Gilbert first showered. Well, actually JT showered while Gilbert creepily sat outside and watched. Seriously. It was odd. And I am pretty sure they had to share a bed. And they called their Brazilian feast a “Meat Festival.” Hrm. Um. Moving on.

They then said that they were having second thoughts about voting out White Power Ranger after Erinn said all that crappy stuff to him prior to going to POO MY PANTS ISLAND. Then they toasted going to the final two together. Then they made a plan to meet each other at the top of the Empire State building on Valentine’s Day.

Back at SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE IT’S PEOPLE ISLAND, White Power Ranger is not done being awesomely awesome. He talks about the other places he has visited in the world and says, “Chock another one to the list: the dunes at Exile.” Yep…so, the Amazon, Mt. Everest, the Moon, The Land of Honnah Lee, Tattooine, The Pie Tin Palace, Mount Doom, Monstropolis, the bottom of the sea, and Scientist Jan Benes’ inner ear. He really has been everywhere…including, as of late, my nightmares.

Next up was the immunity challenge. White Power Ranger limps in with his dragonslayer cane, having not eaten, “ready” to play. When LUCIFER HIMSELF asks how it was, White Power Ranger says it was one of the best times of his life. Even better than the time he visited the year 3010. When he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again. What would White Power Ranger do?

So, the challenge was an endurance challenge. The tribemates had to stand on these footholds without falling off. Every fifteen minutes, they would have to switch to a smaller foothold. The last person left wins immunity. White Power Ranger tells SLAYER that he starved himself because he wanted to prove he still had mental strength despite his asthma and bad back and loose grip on reality. That’s a good plan. I think I’ll starve myself next time I need to get strong and do something physical. Then I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will HUG AND KISS SOME POISONOUS SNAKES!!!11

Now, that’s sarcasm.

The battle actually did come down to White Power Ranger and JT at the end. But, JT took the win. Not content to just lose graciously, White Power Ranger didn’t just fall off the footholds…he fell to the ground. And stayed there. He said that his back was spasming like crazy up there. Of course it was. THE DEVIL INCARNATE then asked if he wanted medical to look at it. White Power Ranger then replies, “Nope. If medical would really look at my back I wouldn’t be here, so no, please don’t let them look at my back.” He’s almost too over the top for me. How do I even write something that’s funnier than what he’s already saying? It would be like writing a parody of Airplane or Young Frankenstein. He brings the crazy all on his own….Doesn’t need my help anymore. My little White Power Ranger is all grown up. He growsed up and he growsed up and he growsed up.

Back at camp after the challenge, White Power Ranger congratulates JT on his win saying that if he didn’t have asthma and a slipped disc and vertigo and rheumatoid arthritis and lactose intolerance and explosive diarrhea, well, he still wouldn’t have won because JT “brought it.” Then, JT and Gilbert assure White Power Ranger that, even if he gets 2 votes from Erinn and HULK, they would be voting for Erinn tonight. “I swear on my Dungeon Master’s Guide,” says Gilbert, “GLAYYYYYVINNN!”

At tribal council, Erinn says that White Power Ranger downplayed her and everyone else’s experience there when he talked about how great it was on ZOINKS SCOOOOOB!!!! ISLAND. Then White Power Ranger responded the only way he knew how – with a poem, of course. He says, “With friend and foe we march to the battle plain, some to seek success, others to seek fame. We play with honor for the love of this game, and with armor or without, we will toil in vain, so that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.” Then he continued, “I really enjoy the music of House of Pain. Do you like my dragon cane? The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Lame Lame Lame. Day by day, by day, by day.” Also, if someone remembers their name, will they have toiled in vain? I am pretty much 100% sure that he never has any idea what anything he says actually means. But “toil in vain” sounds like something Richard Carradine may have said, so it works for White Power Ranger.

So, in the end, Erinn and HULK did end up voting for White Power Ranger, but so did Gilbert. This left JT and White Power Ranger as the only two who voted for Erinn. And with that, we say goodbye to potentially the most entertaining Survivor contestant ever.

Don’t forget that this Sunday is the finale…and the reunion show. Which should be interesting. White Power Ranger got some ‘splainin to do.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOTHETICKTOCKYOUDONTSTOP EPISODE XI: TOO MUCH ANDREA? IS THERE SUCH A THING?

Hey everyone, just a quick housekeeping tip before we get on with the show description. Ugh, why did I say that? “Just a quick housekeeping tip.” I really hate when people say that at the beginning of presentations. What does that have to do with housekeeping? You’re not cleaning anything. Are you turning down my bed? Putting a mint on my pillow? Calling the manager because of my inappropriate comments and/or gestures? Oh well, let’s just put that one in the parking lot. Damn, I did it again.

Anyways. So, yeah, I wanted to let you know that I will be away on vacation next week, so I will not be writing a recap. Huh? Oh, I am going to Disney with the family. So, I think I will be too drunk to write about the show next week. Oh, did I say drunk? I meant “enamored with the special times I am having with my family.” Yeah, I will be too “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” to write about it next week. In fact, I am surprised I can write about it this week, I am still a little “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” from last night. But I am excited for vacation. In fact, those that work with me may hear me making the “Yeoowwwww” noise that Mick Jagger makes in the beginning of Sympathy for the Devil all day today.

So, the show lastnight began with everyone coming back from tribal council talking about the Tyson blindside. JT and Stephen were trying to calm any potential fears in White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman. White Power Ranger was all, “Its cool. It was well-played.” Whatever. Andrea Zuckerman then repeated everything White Power Ranger said because she desperately needs to be liked. That’s obviously why she worked at the West Beverly Blaze in the first place. Because working on the school paper is a sure way to gain the respect of your peers, kids. Doing dope, however, is not. Just take a look at this anti-drug PSA from Hanna-Barbara which, I guess, is supposed to make you NOT DO DRUGS? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJTC_sX5cxs) I feel like this gets the message across…that smoking dope makes you see lots of colors and cool things like skeletons and stuff. Weird. That’s the same thing that my Grandpa told me when I was a youngster. Although those were in the “Pro” column of his “Weed – Yes or No” sheet we were working on. In the “Con” column were “this would come out of Granny’s Crystal Meth fund” and “may now find Carrot Top funny.” God, going to my grandparents’ house was scary. Scary awesome.

The next morning, scared for her future on the show, Andrea Zuckerman approached JT and Gilbert to see who they were thinking about voting off. They agreed that Sierra and Erinn would be next. Andrea Zuckerman then wondered, “Gilbert, JT and I talked about all of us being there towards the end, but do you believe them?” I say yes! But I am a pretty trusting guy. Like, I totally believed that Arnold would kill that guy last in Commando. What a liar. That’s why I didn’t vote for him. Well, I also don’t live in California. I also don’t agree with his views on how to handle Predators. I am a huge animal rights activist. Predators are people too.

Still nervous about her place in the tribe, Andrea Zuckerman approaches White Power Ranger about JT and Gilbert (wow, only one “real” name in that sentence and even that sounds fake.) If Sierra were to go and then Erinn, the original TIMBERRRRa tribe would be down to two, giving the original JellyBelly tribe members the numbers to have a majority. Hey remember when Andrea Zuckerman and Vanessa from The Cosby Show both had talk shows at the same time in the 90’s? It was like “The Battle of the Least-Liked Regulars.” If Tina Yothers had joined the fray, it would have probably counted as some sort of sign of the apocalypse. Man, Vanessa was just an awful, awful character. I even liked Elvin better than Vanessa. And his name was Elvin. Elvin. Probably the worst name ever on The Cosby Show. And that’s saying something. I mean, there was a character named Cockroach, fer chrissakes.

Andrea Zuckerman suggests then that maybe they should enlist Sierra and Erinn and align with them to take out JT, Gilbert, and HULK. Seriously, what’s up with HULK? I feel like she was a pretty central piece of the show at the beginning, but lately she hasn’t really played a big role on the show. I mean, she has been upstaged by Andrea Zuckerman, for crying out loud. This is even more surprising than the time that both Andrea and Brenda had a crush on the same teacher and he made a pass at Andrea. AT ANDREA!! OVER BRENDA! What??!!! That’s the confusion I am feeling right now…its like “Andrea over Brenda”-level confusion.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. This is one of those challenges I really like on the show. In it, each tribe member had to select which of their fellow tribemates fits a particular superlative. For instance, “who would you least like to win?” or “who is most likely to stab you in the back?” or “who would squander the million dollars the fastest?” or “who always makes a face like they just poured a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids in their mouth?” Then THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY would tally up the answers and ask each tribe member to then stand in a line and answer what they thought was the most popular choice. If you are right, you get to cut one of three ropes belonging to each member. If all three of someone’s ropes are cut, they are out.

By the way, the answer to all of those questions I posed earlier was Sierra. Poor Sierra. That must have been really awful to consistently have your name chosen as the most popular answer to “WHO IS THE WORST AT EVERYTHING?” This is what I always imagine it would be like for Aquaman when the Justice League yearbook comes out. While Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman always take home top honors – Most Popular, Most Attractive, Best Costume, Coolest Archenemy – Aquaman must always end up getting Worst Super Power, Worst Costume, and Worst Mode of Transportation. I mean, doesn’t he ride a dolphin or something? Yay Aquaman! You can do what only middle school girls dream of!! Seriously, if he covered himself in glitter and wrote “I luv Wayne 4-eva” all over himself in black Magic Marker, he would totally be the cover of my 7th grade girlfriend’s Trapper Keeper.

Oh, and Gilbert won the challenge. He won a Brazillian feast at some Brazillian family’s house and a swim in some sort of spring. Mark Burnett is obviously running out of ideas. Also, Gilbert could bring two people, so be brought HULK and JT because they both threatened to beat him up and take his lunch money if he didn’t. With the beating and the bullying and the HEY DON’T FLUSH MY HEAD DOWN THE TOILET. GLAYVIN!

And they sent Erinn to EVIL ON TWO LEGS!!! ISLAND.

At the reward, the three are escorted to a farm, where a family welcomes them in and feeds them. As they are eating, Gilbert says in a voiceover, “we were eating carrots and beets which are indigenous to Brazil” while HULK says “INDOGANOUS?” and JT says “blank stare.” While enjoying their meal, a 3 year-old girl falls out of her bench. HULK swoops down and picks up the girl and cradles her while her family ran out of the house, screaming, “EL CHUPACABRA!!!” It was really touching. And HULK cried because it made her miss her own kid. I guess it was supposed to be touching with this mutant rocking and cradling this kid, but it was less touching and more “OH MY GOD DID YOU NOT EVER READ OF MICE AND MEN BEFORE??’ to me. Thank goodness the child was released unharmed back to her family. But she will forever talk of the day when she was held by the “American Giant.”

Then they swam in some weird spring where an underwater geyser pushes up so much sand, it feels like they are floating. And they were all like, “WOW, THIS IS CRAZY I AM FLOATING….IN WATER. HAVE YOU EVER FLOATED IN WATER I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW CRAZY THIS IS.” It was pretty amazing. I felt like I was watching an episode of Mr. Wizard’s World. Not one of the cool episodes though. This was more like one of the later episodes when he just made us watch old slide shows of his trip to Southern Florida. “You see, this is how you play pinochle,” he would say. Damn, that show really jumped the shark when he developed Alzheimer’s.

Back at camp, things got crazy town. White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman approached Sierra and were all like, “We should align” and “you should be loyal to us” and “what you don’t want to align” and “well, where does your loyalties lie” and “well, fine if you don’t want to align with us then you will be voted off because we are honorable and always tell the truth except for when we say we are aligned with everyone else and you should therefore believe us because we do lie…but to everyone else but you and you should align with us and what? youre not? Then we are voting you out white power ranger and andrea zuckerman out.” It pretty much went like that. Sierra stood her ground and said she would not go with them in an alliance. Then Andrea Zuckerman cried. And this was good.

Later that day, when everyone is back from the reward, White Power Ranger approaches JT and tells him that Sierra approached him and Andrea Zuckerman and suggested an “Original TIMBERRRa” alliance and how he wanted nothing to do with it. Then Sierra pulls Gilbert aside and tells him that she was approached by Andrea Zuckerman and White Power Ranger about an alliance and when she said no they went BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. After this conversation, Gilbert comes up on White Power Ranger and JT talking on the riverbank and says he is worried about a TIMBERRA resurgence. White Power Ranger than changes his story a bit, saying that not only did Sierra say she wanted an alliance, but Andrea Zuckerman also was thinking about it. And he says the thought of this alliance just made him sick.

He’s not just lying. He is hella-lying. He’s “yeah, there are totally Weapons of Mass Destruction over there” lying. And I wouldn’t normally care. I mean, you lie in this game. Whatever. Part of the game. But he is always talking about how the “path of the true warrior is the path of the noble blah blah whatever” and other Golden Child crap and then he lies like this. And again, I STILL wouldn’t care. But its almost disturbing because I think White Power Ranger believes he is telling the truth. Like, at the reunion show, they are going to show this to him and I truly think his head is going to explode like Kramer’s giant rubber ball of oil.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribemates had to throw out this grappling hook on the end of a rope and try to snag three bags. The first three that complete this task move on to the second round of having to navigate a ball through a Labyrinth. Upon completing this, they then had to try and save their baby brother from an uncomfortably tight-pantsed David Bowie. You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. Hey remember the 80’s when it wasn’t creepy at all that David Bowie wanted to have sex with a teenager? Well, now you can relive all those memories again with “Crappy Music, Crappy Clothes, Movies that were Funny But Had Ridiculous Plots: The 80’s Box Set” !!!1111

Oh, um White Power Ranger won. And he had yet another awesome White Power Ranger. He yelled out DRAGONSLAYER!! and then did some impromptu Chong Ran after winning. So normal. Like, what do you do at that point? Congratulations? Later, back at camp, he recounted how the prayer and meditation he had been doing had prepared him perfectly for such a challenge. His face is like a fist-magnet.

Sierra then told JT all about White Power Ranger’s lying and JT was like, “its your word against his.” Sierra then offered up, “Well, I will confront him right now in front of you to prove I’m not lying.” And she did. And of course, White Power Ranger responds with stuff like “I have never lied in this game” amidst constant ponytail-fixing. The whole display ended with Andrea Zuckerman storming off in tears, shouting, “I’m too old for this!!!” Well, that never stopped you before, Andrea Zuckerman! I mean, you like 50 when you were portraying a high school newspaper editor, but that never stopped you. C’mon. That’s not the Andrea I know.

Also, how stupid are you, Andrea? I mean, White Power Ranger just called you our as trying to form an alliance with Sierra and you’re all, “Sierra, you are lying!!” This is worse than that time you decided to have sex with your RA even though you and Donna promised each other you would wait. You’re an awful person, Andrea Zuckerman.

JT and Gilbert then met and said that they were pretty sure Sierra just caught White Power Ranger in a lie. And Erinn tells Sierra she believes her and she is not writing her name down. This actually seemed pretty smart on their part and I was like, “Hey, good for them. They seem to be thinking intelligently and…oh wait” Tribal council….

At tribal council, White Power Ranger identifies Sierra as the catalyst for all the uproar in the tribe, even though he is the one lying his socks-pulled-up-to-his-knees off. Sierra rolls her eyes so hard it actually hurt me to look at her. Andrea Zuckerman says that she is probably a threat because she is physically strong and everyone likes her. Herm. Erm. Um. Uhhh…this is awkward.

In the end, the majority did the stupid thing and voted against Sierra. Except for Sierra, who voted against Andrea Zuckerman. And Erinn, who voted against Gilbert? Huh? That was your plan, idiot? Wow, the extra “n” is for “no idea what she is doing!!”

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOW-MATER EPISODE X: MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE TRIED EAR-BITING LIKE THAT OTHER TYSON GUY

Hey…sorry about the late newsletter, but I was unavoidably detained. And that doesn’t mean “arrested for freeing a bunch of caged monkeys” like it did in Junior High. Animal activist? Hardly. I just was hoping to start my own army of drugged-up monkeys to fling poo at Jordan Knight. Didn’t work though. I ended up having to fling my own poo. It ended up being cool though because I made up a little sign that said, “Girl, You Know It’s Poo.” Unfortunately, that was a Milli Vanilli song, so it didn’t have the intended effect. Guess I should have gone with “I’ll Be Loving Poo Forever.”

True story.

Anyways, the show began on a mostly joyous tone. Most of the tribe was pretty happy at the Brandon blindside. Tyson said to Sierra, “You gotta admit that was bad ass.” Surprisingly, she did not admit that. It was though. It was super bad ass. It was straight-up gangster the way they all snuck around and made Brandon into a bad guy and then cast a secret ballot and smirked but didn’t make eye contact when he was voted out. It made that scene in Menace II Society when O-Dog got shot down look like Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie. I am not 100% sure what that means, but whatever. Now, we are all in the same boat. The S.S. What-the-frick??

So, Sierra responds by saying she was not a bad person for writing down White Power Ranger’s name, but that it was a hard choice to make. Really? To write his name down? I mean, I am not even competing for a million dollars against him and I am ready to vote him off. Off Planet Earth, that is. I sent a letter to my congressman already. And he responded back:

Mr. Citizen X,

As I have told you before (countless times), I cannot kick any individuals out of the city, state, or planet. I do not have this authority. That goes for this White Power Ranger as well as everyone else you have asked about – Meredith Grey, David Blaine, that wad of cash in the Geico commercials, Kate from Lost, Heidi and Spencer, Lady Gaga, King Bowser, that “drug dealer guy who turned into a snake in that 80’s public service announcement,” or the claw machine that kept dropping that Heathcliff stuffed animal you wanted. That last one is so ridiculous, I keep it in my jacket pocket for when things get rough to remind myself that there are people in worse shape than me in the world.

Additionally, as I have told you time and time again, I am not a congressman. I just help people out when they can’t figure out the Charlie Card machines at the T Station. I still don’t even know how you got my address. Or why you refer to yourself as “Citizen X” but still include your home address. Please stop sending me letters. And emails. And balloon bouquets. And locks of your hair.

Sincerely,
Harry Henderson

My government. Working for me.

White Power Ranger responded that, “in war, its either kill or be killed and you pitted yourself against me and BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Honestly, he is incapable of ever talking like a normal person. He takes every opportunity to pontificate. He’s a real pontificator. He wants so much to be Mr. Miyagi, doling out speeches of “squish. Like grape” –caliber here and there, but he just ends up coming off like a placemat in a Chinese restaurant – “The road of the true warrior must not be the straight and narrow, as this will make his journey complete. Another thing that is complete is Special #76 – pork fried rice, crab rangoons, and your choice of ½ entrée. You can’t get completer. Live long and prosper.”

Next we see White Power Ranger doing his, ahem, Chong Ran, in the water to celebrate his victory over Brandon. He says that he is proud of himself for winning against someone who is younger than him and faster than him. And stronger than him, though he caveats this with, “although I do benchpress 300 pounds. We were talking two days ago and he was like, ‘Really??’ so he doesn’t do that.” Yep, I am sure his “Really??” was because Brandon was like, “Wow, White Power Ranger. You are super strong!!” It probably wasn’t a sarcastic really, like…”Fonzie jumped over a shark. On waterskis. In shorts. And a leather jacket. Really?!” or “2 ½ Men is the #1 comedy in America? Really??!!” I am sure it was totally sincere, White Power Ranger.

Sierra took Tyson aside and said she made a mistake, but that everyone has basically betrayed everyone. Which was true. Of course, Tyson took the opportunity to be all smarmy and smart-alecky. And other words that begin with “sm”. For example, she says that she was not the mastermind behind anything. Tyson responds with, “I don’t think you were the mastermind. I don’t think you’re smart enough for it.” This from a man who says one of his favorite hobbies is sun bathing. And his jokes are just awful. Its kind of hard to explain, but remember all those awful 80’s sexploitation movies like “Hardbodies” or “Bikini Car Wash Company?” Remember how the jerk characters always told really bad jokes that were more mean than funny? Like, remember how funny Greg thought it was in Just One of the Guys to lift up the tables in the lunchroom or lift freshmen up by their wedgies? Well, Tyson is like that. His jokes are of Greg Tolan table-lifting quality.

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the contestants had to divide into two teams of four. The teams had to race out, grab these puzzle boards with holes in them. They then had to line up the holes to see vowels through them. And then they had to combine the vowels with the consonants provided to them to form a phrase which they had to unscramble. Here were the teams – White Power Ranger, Gilbert, Sierra, and HULK versus JT, Tyson, Erinn, and Debra. Wow, guess who won? This would be like if Carl Lewis, FloJo, Road Runner, and the Flash ran a road race against Mister Magoo, John Goodman, those two turtles from the Comcast commercials, and a stick of Big Red chewing gum. It is smuck teams is what I am telling you right now. Of course JT and Tyson’s team won. This resulted in them winning a feast and a martial arts dance thingy demonstration. You could hear White Power Ranger dying a little inside, which sort of made the whole thing worth it.

And they pick Gilbert to go to WHO’S THERE??? ISLAND.

At their reward, the four devour the food like starved hyenas to the horror of the onlooking Brazillians. Seriously, they ate the corn so fast, it looked like a Hekyll and Jekyll cartoon. Chalk one up for America. Debbie, meanwhile, starts to think about her life as a principal because she sees children there. You see, because there are also children in a school. And she is principal of a school. It was, um, touching? I understood it though. My old principal used to tell me every September how much he missed me because there was no one around to shine his shoes or wash his car or feel the wrath of his paddle. Then he’d sit back down on his corner and beg for more change. The other kids in the neighborhood would always tease me with, “school is held in that building over there” and “hey, that’s not a school, it’s a cardboard box” and “I am pretty sure that guy isn’t a principal” and “you should really call the police.” Kids can be so cruel.

Then came the martial arts dance. It was breathtaking. Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact, it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing. They were chopping them up. They were chopping them down. Its an ancient Chinese art. And everybody knew their part. From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip. Whoa-ho-ho-ho!!!

Also, Erinn threw up on her feet because she ate too much before partaking in the martial arts dancing. She equated herself to the kid who eats too much pizza and ice cream and then played in the ball pit and threw up. It reminded me of the time I ate three Lean Cuisines before Jazzercise. When we did the “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” routine, I tossed my cookies all over the rectory gym. I mean, what?? No no. It reminded me of the time I ate a whole deer carcass and competed in a decathalon and didn’t throw up because I am A MAN.

Back on I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW NANCY ISLAND, Gilbert was frustrated because he had hoped there would be a clue to a new idol since Brandon left with his, but there was not. So, he let out a primal Nerd Call that echoed through the trees. GLAYYYYVINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!11111

Back at camp, Debbie joins the ‘who is most annoying’ contest in a conversation with Sierra. Sierra, still scrambling, is pleading her case with Debbie. Debbie turns back to her and says “you chose the wrong action. Who goes if not you?” and on and on, talking about how she picked the right alliance and all that. Debbie, how dumb are you? You are literally on the lowest rung of the ladder in your alliance. You are the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. I was going to say you were the Screech of the group, but I think Screech actually had much more pull in his group than Andrea did. Screech was always included in Zack and Slater’s plans, so that made him pretty integral and he always had at least as much screen time as the other two male leads. Andrea, meanwhile, had an ongoing romantic tension with a main character for a while, had a baby, cheated on her husband, and was on freaking Jeopardy!, but always felt like an outsider. Therefore, Debbie, you are Andrea Zuckerman. Go forth and be awful.

Then comes another conversation between White Power Ranger and Sierra. Sierra is obviously trying to get into White Power Ranger’s good graces by telling him, if given another chance, she will be able to prove what a loyal person she can be. White Power ranger answers the only way he knows how, “The Samurai Warrior, if he did dishonor to himself or his family, you know what he would do? He would fall on his sword. Death before dishonor.” Samurai, Samurai, Samurai. Its always samurais with you, White Power Ranger. Steven Segal called. He wants his EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM back.

Then came the immunity challenge. It was basically shuffle board. Person closest to the target at the end wins. Of course, with THE DEVIL JEFF PROBST being the spawn of Hell, he has an offer to make. Those who feel safe enough to do so, can sit out the challenge and eat pizza. Gilbert, JT, and White Power Ranger sit out the challenge. It made sense. Gilbert never wins a challenge anyways, so I understand him sitting out. And JT is pretty well-liked, so I can see him not being too worried. White Power Ranger, at first surprised me, but then I remembered a wise Ninja once told me, “Ninja Pizza is pizza that quickly vanish without a trace.” That Ninja’s name? Michaelangelo.

In the challenge, Sierra actually came close to winning, with Andrea Zuckerman knocking her puck out of the way to move in and win at the last shuffle. Andrea Zuckerman wins immunity and the title of Most Likely to Succeed in the West Beverly Yearbook.

Back at camp, Tyson says that he can’t wait for tribal council and hopes that Sierra will cry a lot. I was going to make an obvious and tasteless joke about people named Tyson making women cry, but I have decided to take the high road and instead perform a Vaudeville routine:

Jackson: Why hello, Mr. Rebonwitz
Rebonowitz: Oh, hello Jackson
Jackson: Rebinowitz, If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Rebinowitz: I don’t know Jackson. If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Jackson: In a tie, Mortimer. In a tie.
Rebinowitz: Oh, Jackson. You are incorrigible.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program….

After this discussion, we cut to Gilbert, who suggests to HULK and Erinn that they blindside Tyson because he is such a strong competitor. He then goes to JT, who agrees. JT is later approached by White Power Ranger who says he completely trusts JT. Which was cool, because I was all, “oooooh…you shouldn’t trust him, White Power Ranger.” Did I say, “cool?” Because, obviously, me talking to my television and naming someone after a power ranger is pretty much the opposite of cool. Pretty much my whole life is the opposite of cool. For example, last Christmas, my wife gave me a DVD copy of the Worst Witch and I was super excited. Yeah, I am like anti-cool. But, maybe I am so not cool, that I am cool? No? Well, whatever…who wants to be cool anyways?

I do. Badly.

And, for those of you getting ready to complain. No, I did not reference The Worst Witch a couple of weeks ago. That was Teen Witch. The Worst Witch starred Tim Curry, a young Fairuza Balk, and Mrs. Garret. So…there. Did I mention I wasn’t cool? Good. I am glad we already covered that.

So, going into tribal council, I really was not sure what was going to happen. Would it be Sierra? Would it be Tyson? Would I care? One thing was for sure. White Power Ranger would probably say something stupid. And he did. It started out with Tyson saying that he likes everyone in his tribe except for Sierra. To this, Sierra speaks out against Tyson, whom she says is constantly badgering her. Good for her. Seriously, does he need to say half the things he says? Probably not. But, without the Greg Tolans of the world, how would people like Rick Morehouse emerge as the better person. Without evil, there can be no good. Without Sauron, there could be no Frodo. Without the Emperor, there can be no Luke. Without Oil Can Harry, there can be no Mighty Mouse. So, thanks Tyson, for being our Oil Can Harry.

Then, White Power Ranger defends his choice to vote off some and keep some as his way of keeping the strongest in the game. Because this is how the true samurai tests his worth, or whatever. Of course, there is a massive hole in this as PROBST immediately points out. He asks White Power Ranger why he voted off Brandon then. White Power Ranger backtracks a bit and says that Brandon made the mistake of pitting himself against the White Power Ranger. And that resulted in his departure. According to White Power Ranger, he is a ‘ravenous wolf’ who will take out his enemies. I thought he was a dragon slayer, but now he is a ravenous wolf? I am pretty sure he is just “whatever wood carving he can remember from last year’s Topsfield Fair. Next episode he will probably be a salmon jumping in a river or an old Native American woman. Or a sign that says “________’s Bar”

In the end, there was a tremendous blindside as Tyson was voted out. Seriously, it was a pretty awesome moment. He was smirking big time at the beginning and then, as his name kept getting read, the smirk got smaller and smaller. And Sierra was sitting there, with this look that said, “What the f?”

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TOEJAMFOOTBALL EPISODE IX: WHITE POWER RANGER IS TEH SECOND COMING OF AWESOME !!!!1111

You know, people ask me all the time, “Wayne, why do you write about this god-awful show?” or “If you hate it so much, why subject yourself to watching it week in and week out?” or “How do you get your hair to look so cool?” The answer to that last one is that I use a molding wax to style it and I don’t wash it every day so as to preserve the essential oils. But the answer to the last one will become evident as I recount one of the greatest moments in Survivor history. And who does it involve? Take a guess. C’mon. That’s right…

WHITE.POWER.RANGER.

O

M

G

!!!

The show started with the tribe hanging out at the fire…feeling all bummed out about Gimpy Joe and his Gimpy Knee having to be airlifted to a Band-Aid safety. So, to lighten the mood, White Power Ranger decides to tell a campfire story and share about the time he was ALMOST KILLED IN THE AMAZON. Now, remember, this is WORD-FOR-WORD:

“I could tell you guys a hundred stories…I want you guys to know that there are three people in the world that know this story. I was airlifted in. I had a military helicopter drop, actually drop me off…a couple of feet from the ground, up in the Peruvian border, where the Amazon supposedly starts. And it was real rapidy. I had an eighteen-foot kayak. I was paddling early one morning and I just felt like, “I;m being watched.” I look over and I think I see some indigenous people that are sitting there creeping through the bush. At first I counted six or seven of them. They were probably four, four and a half feet tall. And they’ve got their bow and arrows. They’ve got their bow and arrows drawn. They jerk me out of the kayak. They tie me up. They tie my hands behind my back. They tie my feet, they drag me into this hut. They tie me to this stake and they take turns beating me with a club. I don’t know how long it lasted, sometimes I blacked out. Sometimes I just went to a faraway place. I knew they were about ready to kill me. I finally wore through that rope and I slipped out the back. I got into my kayak, put it in the water and I paddled like hell. I paddled so hard that my hands started bleeding. I just can’t describe the feeling of being stalked by another human being.”

…

And that was the reaction. Silence. You could tell no one knew what to say….Then he continued, “And then there were these two cop cars. And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!” And then Gilbert was like, “More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to use your bathroom?” And Brandon chimed in, “More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?” And Erinn took up the cause with, “Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather’s Pizza.”

So White Power Ranger answered back with a confident tone, “Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.”

Then he did the Truffle Shuffle and RUTH. BABY. RUTH.

Good enough. For you. It’s good enough. For me. It’s good. It’s good enough.

Also, isn’t it great that it worked out that there was a Brandon in the movie and a Brandon in show? Life imitating art, right? Reminds me of last week when I walked into Foxwoods and saw this table full of dogs…playing poker. It was pretty awesome. Until I went up and patted one on the head and told him if he rolled over, I would give him a treat. He beat the hell out of me. Turns out they weren’t dogs. They were actually degenerate gamblers. I promise that’s the last time I combine mushrooms and Percocet at the casino. Had my fingers crossed!!

And why did Chunk address Brandon when he clarified his Michael Jackson story? It was actually Mikey who was questioning it. I am going to write a letter about this…”Dear Samwise Gamgee, why did Chunk not address you when he was clearing up his Michael Jackson bathroom story. Also, were you a Hobbit then too? Or did you become one afterwards? Do all Hobbits have asthma? And I would like to know how you managed to play football for Notre Dame with asthma and in the 1970’s? It must have been cool when you went camping with that guy from Footloose. The end.” I hope he replies…and with more than a restraining order like that stupid Indiana Jones when I asked him if when he lost his memory that one time if he still remembered flying spaceships and talking to Wookies.

So, anyways, of course no one believes White Power Ranger. Even though he is White Power Ranger. I believe him. I did talk to him about it, and he said most of the story is true. Except for the part about him being captured. And the part about it being in the Amazon. Well, really, what happened is he threw up on Disney World’s Jungle Cruise ride. So, pretty much, he was telling the truth.

Can you believe almost 1000 words and we are only five minutes into the show?

The next morning comes. And if you thought White Power Ranger was done being AWESOME, you are sadly mistaken. Of course, he was out there doing his Tae Kwon Dope (yep, I am keeping it up) and when he got back to camp, explained it further. According to him, it’s actually not Tai-Chi, but it is actually called “Chong Ran.” Of course, if you Google it, you won’t find it because its “only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,” Of course you do. I am sure its not totally made up. Also, this whole “American Revolution” thing. I am sure that’s, like totally true. Look man, don’t believe a word of it. What really happened is that, in America, this guy, America Americo, came over from Indonesia on these three ships – The Ninko, The Pinata, and the Santa Claus – and he sat on this rock. And when he was on this rock, he shot a turkey and ate it with a Native American. Then, he planted all these apple seeds and Americans grew from them. Then, President Nixon was an alien. I learned a lot from my Uncle Dewey….like how to drink paint thinner without dying. He was a smart man. Who died young. But NOT from drinking paint thinner. Stupid lying doctors.

Sierra told White Power Ranger he looked “hilarious out there.” Of course, White Power Ranger couldn’t take this lying down because he is the self-appointed Dragon Slayer. He said to the camera, “You know if you look at it, to defeat an army, you have to cut the head off the dragon, which is why I nicknamed Brandon ‘The Dragon’…hence my name, ‘The Dragon Slayer.’ Sierra is the bowel movements that come out of the dragon. After Brandon, Sierra’s gotta go.” Couple of points – (A) Again with the dragon armies? And (B) a couple of weeks ago, with White Power Ranger calling everyone “cancer” I did suggest he start calling people “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” because 2009 was the “Year of IBS” He seems to have misread my advice a little bit, but I am glad he is listening.

Did I just put in a pop-culture reference to my own newsletter about pop-culture references? I am so meta.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe was split into teams of three that were to break these tiles of the other two smaller teams with these metal balls. If all your tiles are broken, you are out. Last three-person team standing wins. And they win a white water rafting trip to a beach where they can eat brownies and sandwiches. Look, I love white water rafting but after not eating for a long time and being tired, I don’t know how much of a “prize” that would be. It’d be like if the prize for winning the Boston Marathon was a climb up Mount Everest. Or if your prize for winning my Survivor pool was being “Clockwork Orange-ed” into watching back-to-back episodes of Punky Brewster, Saved by the Bell, and 90210 followed by looped showings of Karate Kid, Teen Wolf, and every Wrestlemania of the 80’s. Or maybe its nothing like that. What do you want from me? Its not like I get paid to write these things.

So, the team that won was JT, Brandon, and Debra (who??) They also got to send someone to I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!! ISLAND. They chose Gilbert. Probably because of his performance in the challenge where every one of his throws didn’t go more than 2 feet. Hey did you know – nerds can’t play sports. Look at Lucas. Sure, he got a nice slow-clap at the end, but he got killed out there. Nerds should only play Chess and Dungeons & Dragons. Leave the sports to us real jocks. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, those jokers…they’re always leaving me and going off to have sex. Its cool though…because when they get too drunk to drive or need someone to cheat off in chem class, they’ll let me know. We’re best friends.

Also, when Gilbert was leaving to go to DON’T FALL ASLEEP ISLAND, White Power Ranger was like, “Be the Wizard.” I…I don’t know. But, hey remember The Wizard with Fred Savage? I do…I remember after that movie, I needed two things – I needed a power glove and I needed Super Mario Brothers 3. I would spend hours upon hours playing that game…wearing raccoon suits and frog suits and…oh, hold on, that’s my cell. Oh, I gotta get going soon. I need to go get the money I was saving up for a telescope so I can bail the captain of the football team out of jail for busting up mailboxes. I love my friends.

So, stranded on ZOINKS!!! ISLAND, Gilbert is scared because he doesn’t know how to make fire. But then he does. And he says it’s the happiest moment of his life. Even better than the time he kissed a girl. Which hasn’t happened yet. Because he is nerd.

On the whitewater rafting trip, I don’t know. Brandon and JT fell in love, I guess. Brandon says he wants to bring JT to the finals because he is such a good guy and deserves it. “If he wins it, it’s like me winning it.” Except, you know, without the million dollars and the fame and sense of victory and all that. So, yeah, its pretty much the same. Dolt.

Then, the next morning, Brandon approaches Sierra. She starts in with, “OK, so we vote off JT and then what?” Then Brandon was like, “Oh, I think we should keep JT because he is awesome and I think he is cool and I love him and want to have his baby and just back up a little bit and forget everything I said after ‘I think he is cool.’” Sierra then says that JT is like “the greatest person she has ever met” or something like that. In Sierra’s defense, she has only actually met like three other people before coming here. Two of them were Eliot Spitzer and Damien, the kid from The Omen. The third was Mayim Blalik of TV’s Blossom. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say, the “greatest person Sierra has ever met” competition wasn’t all that fierce.

The immunity challenge involved the tribe members being attached to ropes that wove around these structures in complicated ways. Extremely exciting. There was two rounds. The top three from the first round made it to the second round. And the winner of the second round won immunity. Tyson, Brandon, and JT made it to the second round while HULK, Gilbert, and White Power Ranger struggled lots. Surprise, surprise. Those three are the worst everything, except for being easily nicknamed by me. At that, they excel. In the second round, it really came down to Brandon and Tyson. Tyson won, proving once more that there is no God.

After immunity, Tyson reinforces his plan from last week that they split the votes between Sierra and Brandon, who they are still saying is, I don’t know, a sneaky dragon? Whatever, I get it. White Power Ranger likes dragons and wizards. I bet he drives a van.

Also, on the beach, JT and Gilbert discuss White Power Ranger’s Amazon story. They, of course, don’t believe it. JT goes on, “I’d go back with a damn thirty-thirty Winchester and see what them bows do then” and Gilbert just sort of laughed it off. But I found that a telling statement. I mean, could there have been a more out-of-place thing to say? Like, hey, I don’t believe it…but also, I am manly. Gilbert, meanwhile, said that if it were him he would use his Level 9 Wizard wand and send those natives back to Minas Tirith. Did I mention he is nerd?

Now, just when I think White Power Ranger couldn’t get any awesomer, along comes tribal council. Of course, his story comes up yet again and BEELZEBUB says that it seemed like some weren’t believing ol’ WPR. So, of course, White Power Ranger says he doesn’t care and says that he has been through like six or seven life-and-death situations – a hurricane, shark attacks, etc. Wow. Who does he think he is? Chuck Norris? Oh…he does? He thinks he’s Chuck Norris? Well, carry on then.

He also said that he gave the tribe members the toned-down version of the story, “Usually when I tell these stories, I try to give the PG-13 version of it.” The next part he told was bleeped-out, but I think he said that they tried to eat his, um….erm…his….Can I even say it? Pooper. There. I said it. Its been a pleasure working with you all…

But yeah, that’s what he claims they did…though I don’t know how they would have tried and not succeeded. They must have tried it and then thought better of it. Or maybe it was a dare. Or maybe I should stop talking about it because my brain is starting to shut down due to me implanting the image in there and when my brain shuts down I lose the ability to make coherent traffic light duckbill chapstick Spongebob.

Then, THE DEVIL asked if anyone had the immunity idol. Everyone said no, except Brandon who said, “yes.” Whatever. Everyone knew. Then, after the votes were cast, it was asked if anyone wanted to use the hidden idol. Brandon didn’t. And was voted out. Good move, Brandon. And by “good” I mean “bad” because I am clever. The end.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR TICKTOCKTOCANTINS EPISODE VII: LOOKS LIKE WE WON’T BE “KNEE”-DING YOU AFTER ALL. WORDPLAY=LOLZ!!1

Hey all, I don’t have much time because the government is after me. What’d I do? Well, you know Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses? Well, I cut one of ‘em off! Yeah, I got a real bad temper.

I always thought that was the dumbest law.

So, the show started with Jallygolightly coming back to camp after voting out Sydney, feeling just plan old down in the dumps. HULK says, “WE JUST JALA, WE LOSE PAO.” I am not really sure what that means, but at least she is trying. Which is more than I can say for the guy who wrote Rhett’s rap in Teen Witch:

I’m king
And they know it
When I snap my fingers,
Everybody says, “Show it!”

I’m hot
And you’re not
But if you wanna hang with me
I’ll give it one shot

Top that, top that
You can give all that you can, but you’ll never top that
You can dream until you’re blue, but you can never top that

Also, imagine this sung, on the street, by someone in a multi-colored button down with a bright blue tank top, pegged jeans up to his knees, and white high tops. Then imagine me, little Wayne, thinking that this was something to aspire to. Now, you understand why we are where we are, right now.

Over at the TIMBERRRRRRa camp, White Power Ranger is practicing his karate moves in the water. Actually, its Tai Chi. Though its really not, I don’t think. He is just sort of moving his arms around and doing a poor imitation of the Heisman trophy. It was really just a big ball of awful, much like most everything the White Power Ranger does. Well, except for fighting Z-Putty Patrollers. He excels at that. Though who wouldn’t? They sort of just stand there and wiggle their arms around just waiting for a roundhouse to the face. I. Will. Defeat. You. Now!

Brandon noticed it as well. “Do you see White Power Ranger out there,” he mused to everyone else. And that was all he said. He is quite good at observing things and smiling, like he plans on telling a joke. But then he sort of just leaves it open for you to come up with your own punchline. I imagined him saying, “Is he practicing Tae Kwon Dope??”

It did seem to be a turning point for White Power Ranger, though. He then went around massaging the shoulders of his tribemates. So, cool…he went from total ass to total creep. It’s an improvement, I guess. A small one, but an improvement nonetheless. Like when Scott shot himself on 90210. It was like, “Hey, he really wasn’t on it all that much…but now David can finally hang out with the ‘cool group’ without any guilt.” And this leads, of course, to David climbing the social ladder, wearing heavily patterned 90’s-wear, trying his hand at music with “The Commotions,” getting hooked on drugs, running the Peach Pit After Dark, having sex with Kelly Kapowski, and marrying Donna and her chest valley. Actually, hmmmmm. That was a bigger improvement than I had expected. It’s a good thing Scott’s Dad was so careless with his firearms. Lesson learned.

Back at JalahavingtroublecomingupwithmorenamesIreallyhopethemergehappenssoon, its UH-OH JOE!!! His knee infection is getting super gross. Its making his knee all swelled up. And when I say “swell,” I don’t mean it in a “gee, that’s swell” kind of way. Just to be sure. It basically looks like what I would imagine Arulanantham Suresh Joachim’s leg to look like. Hahaha, I know. What a hilarious observation, right? Huh? What do you mean you don’t know who he is? Ummmm…does the Vihara Maha Devi Park Open Air Stadium ring any bells? I thought so. I know. 76 hours, 40 minutes. It’s crazy.

Oh, just google it, for chrissakes.

Then treemail arrives and everyone assumes it’s a merge. Because it says there will be a feast and some other crap. But who know….it may not be. This game is always throwing us for a loop. Plus, it showed merge in the previews which probably means there will be a huge twist and the tribe members will probably oh never mind it’s a merge after all.

They tribe members meet in the middle of the woods where they are instructed to swap their buffs and come up with a new name. Gilbert suggests something like Dingus which I think was supposed to mean something in Portugese. Of course, the tribe laughed him off, leaving him to put away the rest of his list, mumbling something like, “Man, this is just like gym class. Glayvin!” I, however, obtained the exclusive rights to said list and will post them here, for your perusal:

1. Dingus
2. The Robots
3. Tron
4. The Depths of Mordor
5. Seven of Nine
6. The Knights Who Say, ‘Neep!’
7. Gryffindor
8. Dr. Zaius
9. Queensryche
10. Mr. Mxyzptlk

White Power Ranger quickly stepped up with the name, “Forza”, which means strength in Portugese. Although it doesn’t. I am sure he meant Força. Which also doesn’t mean strength, but actually means, basically, “kick ass” and is also the name of a song by Nelly Furtado. Forza, however, is a magazine for Ferrari owners and enthusiasts. I guess that makes sense. I would probably enjoy beating both Ferarri owners and members of the Forza tribe. For different reasons of course. One group out of jealousy and one out of pure, unbridled hatred. Try and guess which is which. Also, I love that song by Nelly Furtado about “Grillz.”

So, yeah…they merge. And eat. And then Sierra asks why they voted out Sydney. And all of a sudden, everyone is like, “OMG, I can’t believe she asked that!” I didn’t really understand the uproar. It seemed a perfectly valid question. Gilbert, however, was taken aback, “You do need to be discreet about how much information you give out. These are your future competitors. You can’t just be giving out your entire tribe dynamic.” Then, Sierra watched as everyone took turns giving him wedgies and stuffing him into lockers. It’s a good thing no one from TIMBERRRRa can see how he fits into the tribe. Dingus.

When the newly formed Forza tribe arrives at the old TIMBERRRa camp, the Jalapeno four are surprised to see the cruddy Eeyore-like lean-to they have been living in. JT takes charge and they begin constructing new living quarters. Then, the existing TIMBERRRa members ask if they want to go for a walk to explore camp. Gilbert comments on this, saying that the TIMBERRRa members are pretty bossy. He’s right. The nerve of them wanting to show them around…right in the middle of them DECONSTRUCTING THEIR ENTIRE CAMP.

JT and White Power Ranger go off to do a little male bonding and catch some fish. White Power Ranger, not content with doing anything like a normal person, calls it “the art of the cast” instead of fishing. When JT asks White Power Ranger if he’s ever fished, he answers, “No, but I would be really excited to learn!” No, of course he doesn’t say that. Instead, he says, “Yes, but only fly fishing…which is a much harder way to fish.” Seriously, everything this guy says annoys the crap out of me. Is it just me that feels this way? Eh, probably…since no one else watches this godforsaken show.

Then, White Power Ranger says he and JT are kindred spirits because they are both “warriors.” They are both shootin’ at the walls of heartache. Bang! Bang! Then, JT tells White Power Ranger that Brandon probably has the hidden immunity idol and that could be dangerous. This sets in motion one of the crazier domino effects I have seen in a while. I will get to it shortly. For now, it has White Power Ranger declaring some sort of vendetta against Brandon, “If you flat out lied to me, you better be prepared to go to war!” I am not 100% on what he lied about. The hidden immunity idol? What? Why? Huh? But it did get me thinking how great it would be to go to war with White Power Ranger. Like, if I had a rocket launcher and I could aim it right at his face. And then…and then he would be on his knees begging for his life and I would be all…oh, sorry. Sorry. I got carried away there.

Later, White Power Ranger goes to Tyson and Gilbert and brings them into his alliance with JT, focusing still his sights on Brandon. “Brendan is the head of the dragon and in order to defeat the army, you cut off the head of the dragon.” He then continued, “He who goes to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger.” He is extremely deep. What army has a dragon’s head? Does he mean an army of dragons? How has he not been punched yet?

Anyways, as I said, this set off this weird domino effect, where all of a sudden Brandon was regarded as the sneakiest bastard ever on Survivor. Tyson started to scramble and make plans to oust Brandon, while saying “He just seems like a sneaky bastard. I can’t look him in the eye and believe a word he says.” Then he started talking about how he can get Brandon to believe anything he says. Erm. Also, I am still not sure of what Brandon did that was so sneaky, but he is officially the Dr. Claw of Forza. Unfortunately for them, none of them are even close to Brain or Penny, so White Power Ranger’s Inspector Gadget-like ineptitude and overconfidence will probably end up being his downfall. How’s that for deep?

Tyson then brings Debbie (who?) into their alliance, making it five. He then says that Brandon is like “putty in his hands” and he can mold him however he wants. Because Brandon is sneaky. Sneaky putty. Honestly, this stuff sometimes writes itself.

Erinn and Gimpy Joe then go searching for the hidden immunity idol based on the clues they received at THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE ISLAND. Of course, the idol isn’t there, and Erinn makes a plan to vote out Brandon and Sierra since they probably have the idol. Just because you say something out loud doesn’t mean its going to happen, Erinn. The extra “n” is for “not thinking clearly.”

Next up was the immunity challenge. And its an endurance one where the tribe members have to try and hold onto a pole as long as they can without falling off. Before the challenge starts though, LUCIFER HIMSELF tells Gimpy Joe his leg does not look too good. Then he has him climb to the top of a pole and hold on. Because he is the devil, you see. Then, they all climbed up and most of them fell except for one. And that one was Tyson. It was incredibly exciting.

After the challenge was over, MEPHISTOPHELES told Gimpy Joe to stay after class. Because he was a bad boy. I mean, because his leg looked bad and needed medical attention. The doctor said something about the leg not looking good and the infection being too close to the bone and the risk of death, but I don’t really remember. I think the doctor was Australian and I don’t know…I can’t really take anything said in that accent too seriously. I apologize to all the Australians out there, but your accent is really only usable for telling me that “that’s not a knife,” or singing about hot potatoes, or warning me to look out for crocs, or saying, “Charlie”…or maybe, just maybe telling me that Foster’s is Australian for beer. Other than that, I don’t know. It just doesn’t work. Wait, one more…it also works if its being used by a bunch of BMX-riding teens on the run from crooks after discovering their walkie-talkies.

Back at Forza, Erinn is suggesting they vote out JT because he seems like a bigger threat than Gimpy Joe and his bum knee. Tyson says he will do just that and then says to the camera that it was all a ruse. A cunning attempt to try to trick her. He said that, “In my alliance now, Stephen and JT have replaced Brendan and Sierra. As the old adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” So, is he saying that Stephen and JT are his enemies? Or his friends? I am so confused. Also, I can see why he has such a problem with Brandon. Its obvious that Tyson lives by a strict moral code none of us can even imagine. He’s like a disgustingly skinny, blonde Santa Claus. Eat, Tyson! Eat!

Now, Gilbert and Tyson realize that if Brandon plays his idol, they could be screwed and seeing JT go home. Therefore, they decide to split their votes between Brandon and Sierra so that their votes will not count. Tyson even counted on his fingers, so you know it’s a good plan. And then they tell White Power Ranger the plan, and he agrees. Then he said he is brilliant! Because he agreed with someone else’s idea, I guess.

However, DON’T FORGET ABOUT JOE!!!

THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY then shows up and, like the demon spawn of hell is known to do, throws a big ol’ monkey wrench in the plans. He informs them that Joe is being helicoptered to a nearby hospital to get his leg treated. And he will, therefore, not be playing the game anymore. This negates the need for a tribal council and prompts White Power Ranger to say, “The dragon slayer has to wait another day to taste blood.” How great is the day going to be when he is voted off…Wow, do I hate this guy?

Joe, meanwhile, is choosing to keep his leg rather than win a million dollars. Stupid. With a million dollars, he could buy 8 legs. And be a crazy, octopus man. And then he could walk down the street, talk on the phone, and still have enough limbs leftover to carry four churros and a large Mountan Dew Code Red. Obviously, Joe has not properly prioritized his life goals.

Until next time,

Wayne

SURVIVOR TOKENPLEASE EPISODE VI: HI, I’M JULIA CHILD AND BAM NINJA KICK WHITE POWER RANGER COOKS

So, I know it’s been two weeks since we last talked, but I…What? The show hasn’t been on. I’ve been busy. I know I should have called, but you know how things go. No, of course not. I still think you’re a super person. I just needed some space. C’mon. Don’t be like that. Hey, remember how you laughed when I did that whole paragraph about Michael J. Fox movies? We’ve had some good times. The NCAA tournament meant nothing to me. What we have...what we have is real. There you go. That’s the smile I love. Hello my friend, hello. It’s good to need you so.

So I resisted the “temptation” to watch the “highly anticipated” ER series finale on Thursday so I could watch Survivor. And by highly anticipated, I mean lowly anticipated. Seriously, the last time I watched ER, I think I had just found out about this new type of technology called “mp3” that let me download music right onto my computer. And I used that newfangled technology to download Sisqo’s Thong Song onto my Super Mario-skinned Winamp player. It was a long time ago is what I am saying to you now. Now, when the Eliot Gould E/R ended, that was a dark day. “Stay in back of the white line!!!”, right? God, that was a good show. Little bit of trivia for you here – Did you know that George Clooney’s first television role was “Ace” on E/R long before his much more successful stint as Dr. Ross on the “slashless” ER. Another bit of trivia for you – Did you know that ER stands for Emergency Room? The More You Know.

Oh right. Survivor. So, the show essentially started with Sydney being concerned for her safety on the show because she isn’t really good at anything and she doesn’t really have any friends. So, essentially, Sydney is like the Bizarro Me. Never fear, though, because Joe thinks she is hot. He promised her she would be safe. Because she was hot. Its cool, Joe. Heck, I once told a girl I could bring her cat back from the dead just to get her to hold my hand. The crazy thing, though? I did bring it back. After I buried it in the Mi'kmaq burial ground. Then, I brought back this creepy little kid who got hit by a truck. Then, he wanted to play with yewwwwwww. Then, Herman Munster said dead was better. Then, the Ramones sang a cool song. The end. True story.

At TIMBERRRRa, things are also not going all that great. The White Power Ranger, apparently, knows everything. Including bean cookery. He insists that the beans should be softer, so he adds more river water, which in turn means they need to be cooked longer. This is, of course, not something the rest of the tribe wants. So, he extends their cooking time. Brandon, meanwhile, barks that “look, I am a dog, and I therefore know when it is going to rain. And I knew it was going to rain, so I was like, ‘don’t cook them beans.’ This is just another one of those ‘White Power Ranger Moments’ “ Or something like that. Then it rained, and everyone except White Power Ranger went under the shelter to keep dry. White Power Ranger had to stay out there and cook his beans. So, I was like, “Hey, that’s cool. White Power Ranger is sticking to his ninja blades.” But then, like 5 seconds later, he also went under the shelter…and I was like “White Power Ranger? More like Suck Sucker Ranger.” So, yeah, the beans were of course overcooked.

Seriously, White Power Ranger is unbelievable. Every single time he tries to look like he knows what he’s doing and goes against what everybody else is saying he should do, he looks like a doof. He’s like a less likable Clark Griswold. Like, his tribe is Ellen saying, “Clark, don’t you think it would be easier if we flew to Wally World.” And White Power Ranger is all, “because getting there is half the fun.” Then, White Power Ranger would end up lost in the desert, being made fun of by Native Americans, while TIMBERRRa would be all, “I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives.”

Wow, what? Seriously, I don’t know how we ended up there, but it was a fun trip, huh?

And then, the rest of the tribe did call him out for it, especially Sierra. White Power Ranger turned it around and laughed it off, saying something to the effect of, “Its always about the Beans. Beans, beans, beans, beans.” He then added, “they truly are a magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you toot. Not content on stopping there, he continued, “and beans are good for your heart. The more you eat. The more you DROPKICK NINJA JUMP HI-YA!” White Power Ranger wins.

There was also this great moment where, while White Power Ranger was talking, he was doing that arm-swing “this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy” clap thing (another Vacation reference? OMG!!!11)…and Brandon was doing it too. Then, all of a sudden, he looks down and notices he is DOING EXACTLY WHAT WHITE POWER RANGER IS DOING and he stops, looking at his hands incredulously. He seemed genuinely disgusted with himself for mimicking White Power Ranger. Honestly, if there was a window nearby, I’m pretty sure he would have jumped out of it.

Back at Jallywood, HULK and Gilbert are considering telling JT about the hidden immunity idol. It went something like this:

HULK: HULK THINK WANT 1…2…UM…3 PERSON ALLIANCE IN TRIBE. WANT TELL JT ABOUT IDOL.
Gilbert: Well, according to my mathematical equations, it would seem preposterously silly and downright moronic for us to inform JT of the existence of that particular bauble. Glavin!
HULK: …
Gilbert: I think it’s a bad idea with the telling and the JT and the idol and the “giving up the secret.”
HULK: HULK NOT TELL ABOUT PUNKY BREWSTER DOG ALLIANCE. ONLY IDOL TALK.
Gilbert: (thinking to himself) She’s not budging. I have to outwit her somehow. But how will I penetrate that mind of hers? How will I…I’ve got it! (to HULK) These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
HULK: THESE ARENT DROIDS HULK LOOKING FOR…WHAT ME TALKING ABOUT BEFORE?
Gilbert: No worries…hey, wanna wrestle?
HULK: YIPPEE!
Annnnnnd…scene!

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, each team has to build an intricate little barricade of sorts through which the other team has to throw pigs.

I am just going to let you soak that one in.

Honestly, what? What is this? Double Dare? Speaking of, Double Dare was awesome. Remember how awful it was when they wouldn’t make it to physical challenge in a question set? Although, paradoxically, it always surprised me that they even had to go to physical challenge. Even my idiot kid brain knew the answers to all those ridiculous question. Here is a sample scene:

Marc Summers: This animal barks, has four legs, chases cats, and rhymes with log.
Blue Team: (long pause)….Ummmmmmm, Dare!
Marc Summers: Red Team?
Red Team: (whispers in each others’ ears for a few seconds…) DOUBLE DARE!
Marc Summers: Blue Team – You can either answer the question or go for the physical challenge.
Blue Team: (looking crazy confused)…Um, Oh, Um…Welll, PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!
Marc Summers: The correct answer was dog, you morons! Now, line up in front of our groin kicking machine while your teammate throws rotten eggs at you.

Thank God for stupid kids or that show would have sucked. Plus, that show was the first place I ever saw the Watchman. I remember I was like, “I. MUST. HAVE. IT.” Then I got it and it was all I expected it to be, which is to say it was nothing at all like I expected it to be. Watching grainy, flickering episodes of Small Wonder while constantly having to adjust the dial as I moved was not as magical as I had expected.

Where was I? Oh, yeah…TIMBERRRRRRa won the challenge. What did they win? A barbecue at a waterfall. And they sent Joe to DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE ISLAND!!!! And he chose Erinn to go with him. Because he thought she was hot. I am sensing a theme here with old Joe. Creepy. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. His luxury items were ROOFIES AND HANDCUFFS.

So, yeah, TIMBERRRa goes off to enjoy burgers and cold drinks. Tyson exclaims that he is going to “eat enough to puke” and then eat some more. Which is charming…as Tyson usually is. Then they swam and played in the water like moronic, unlikeable mermaids. And they forgot their differences and just enjoyed themselves. Except for White Power Ranger, who pretended to forget his differences and was like, “I kinda feel bad for Erinn because she is missing this,” but continued, “eh, but screw her crap.” That White Power Ranger sure is cruddy.

Back on DID YOU HEAR THAT???ISLAND, Joe lets Erinn pick the first urn because he’s a gentleman. And he also wants sex. Erinn picks the one with the clue and reads it to herself. She realizes the idol is back at camp and wrestles with the idea of telling Joe. Then she tells him. It wasn’t a very exciting wrestling match. It was a lot like the time Lawrence Taylor took on Bam Bam Bigelow in Wrestlemania XII Oh really? LT won? Of course he did. You try wrestling a crackhead. There is absolutely no way to win. They’re wiry.

So, back on JalleBerry, HULK and Gilbert realize that once Joe comes back, he will probably know where to look for the idol and once he does, he will realize that HULK probably has it. So, totally out of character, HULK smartly creates a fake idol and hides it at tree mail. Totally in character, she also stupidly puts the real idol at the top of her bag, where JT discovers it. Then he goes to Gilbert and tells him that he found it. Gilbert plays dumb and then goes to HULK and tells her to tell JT about it and make it look like she just thought of telling him. And JT falls for it. Like, what a coincidence. He tells Gilbert about it and, like, 5 seconds later, she tells him about it? Wow. That really worked out well. It was like that time on Lost when we were asking, “hey, why wouldn’t Ben remember that Sayid tried to kill him” and then 2 seconds later, Richard said Ben wouldn’t remember any of this. I love when things just come together like that.

Ooh. Um. Spoiler Alert?

The immunity challenge had one member (who could swap out at any time) from each tribe shooting a slingshot at columns of sand, basically. Tyson and JT take up the slingshots for each tribe first. Tyson gains an early lead while JT struggles. Tyson takes this opportunity to say an unfunny (surprise??) comment like, “Hey, I can shoot for you if you want.” He is brilliant. Seriously. He is to funny putdowns as Ralph Kramden is to solid business ideas. JT, however, was not doing great…this is true. As I said, he could switch out, but he decided to wave them off saying, “I got this.” He was like Rudy in that movie Rudy hushing the naysayers as he emerged, senior year, onto the field at Notre Dame. Except nothing like that happened here. Here, JT continued to be awful and led his team to defeat. YAY!!!

So, now, Jalaback-y’all is facing tribal council. Joe takes an opportunity to check the tree mail skirt for the hidden idol, which he finds. Of course, it’s the fake idol that HULK created. Joe is on a quest now to vote off HULK and keep his victim Sydney safe. HULK, however, has other plans – scheming with JT and Gilbert to vote off Sydney. JT considers momentarily voting off HULK with Gilbert since they can hold onto the idol. But he intelligently decides that’s not a good idea. I have to agree – with merge coming up, voting off HULK would probably not have been the smartest idea since she was the glue in their cross-tribal alliance. With her gone, however, it would be a toss-up between Erinn and Sierra for the hottest chick on the show, currently. Erinn looks sort of like a less attractive “Corpse Bride” and Sierra always looks like she just tasted something gross. So, there is also that to consider.

At tribal council, HULK says, “ME HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN OTHER TRIBE AND THIS GOOD FOR US AT MERGE.” Sydney counters with, “I am loyal and do not have relationships with the other tribe.” I counter with, “I just want to get this over with and watch The Office.” In the end, Sydney was voted out and Joe was left feeling unsatisfied.

Until next time,
Wayne