Friday, January 22, 2010

Some Sad News...Unless You Don't Like Me

For those of you that read me....

How do I make that singular?

For that of you that read me?


Anywhere, I am going to take this season off. I don't have any pools going at work since I have started a new job and I don't think I have enough "readers" to continue writing this just for fun. I have enjoyed writing it though...and hope to pick it back up next season...


Friday, December 18, 2009


So, I need to get this newsletter out quickly because Sunday is the finale and between now and then, I plan on being pretty drunk. Oops…I mean “tired.” That’s usually what I tell my kids when I have had a little too much. Like they will say, “Daddy, why are you talking so funny?” And I will answer, “Oh…I am just tired.” Or they will say, “Daddy, why did you just fall on the floor?” And I will answer, “Tired, kids…Daddy is BLEEPING tired.” Or maybe they ask, “Daddy, why are you laughing so hard at this awful Paul Blart: Mall Cop movie?” And I will say, “Daddy is just tired off his ass, kids. Now go get some of Daddy’s sleepy juice. It’s in those silver cans with the blue mountains.”

Parenting is way easier than my health teacher said it would be.

So I think this was the first show this season where at least someone didn’t come back reeling from tribal council. In fact, no one even mentioned the vote. Probably because Monica was kind of hard to like. Maybe even harder to like than Jar-Jar Binks. Meesa wants to goes and help yousa and do some BANG SHOOT DEAD.

Also, while they were sitting around the fire, Brett was giving Richard Simmons a back massage. Which was uncomfortable and awkward. Even more than when Tony took Samantha bra shopping on Who’s the Boss? Mona and Angela were all, “Sam needs a bra” and Tony was like, “HEY-OH. I’m-ah from the streets of Brooklyn. I’m a big-ah tough guy, right? And, OH!, this bra stuff is fuh tha boids! Gimme my mop. Fuhgettaboutit.” Then Mona talked about how many guys she wanted to sleep with and Jonathan was all, “I am annoying.” I think that’s what happened. Or maybe that was the episode where Tony walked in on Angela showering. “HEY-OH. I’m-ah just-ah trying to clean the tub ovah here!”

The next morning, Brett and Natalie discover they share a common interest – God. And they start talking about their faith and what Christian books they like. Its crazy how many conversations I have had like that with people…only replace “faith” with “Pez collection” and “Christian books” with “Star Wars characters.” And is it still a conversation if people walk away from you in the middle of it? Its nice to have friends….even if they’re made of dreams. Why is the world such a lonely place?

Meanwhile, Spacely is teasing Richard Simmons about her hair. Because, as he says, mullets went out in the 70’s. Which is bull. I mean, I had a mullet well into the 90’s. And I had a ton of dates. Well, some dates. Actually, like one or two. You know, come to think of it, I spent a lot of Fridays and Saturdays watching USA Up All Night eating pretzel rods and drinking Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid alone. Please move on from this paragraph right now.

Next up was the reward challenge. In the challenge, the tribe would be split into two members and people would have to go up and remove a piece of rope from this network of intersecting ropes holding up all these coconuts. The object was to drop as few coconuts as possible. First team to 100 dropped coconuts loses. It was a lot like that game “Don’t Wake the Bees.” Except instead of bees, it was coconuts. And instead of being the focal point of fond childhood memories, remembering this one was will probably bring to mind the night I tried to figure out why they kept blurring out the area right above Mick’s swim trunks. Seriously, what are they blurring out there? I am sort of afraid to ask, so I am just going to imagine it’s a conjoined twin. That’s usually my default. If I cant figure something out, I will usually just say it’s a conjoined twin. Its why my son thinks the capital of Lithuania is Conjoined Twin.

So, before the challenge, Spacely and Natalie are assigned the duty of being captains for the two teams. So, they pick their teams. And Natalie shocked the world (translate: me) by choosing Brett first. I was pretty taken aback by this, but as she said later in the challenge, her and Brett are prayer warriors. And then she held hands with him. That’s awesome. I should have used that more in college to meet girls. It’d probably work better than when I told girls that I was a Dream Warrior. That didn’t work so well. Especially when I said my dream power was ballet.

I’m a dream warrior. Don’t wanna dream no more.

Anyways, the teams were Spacely, Richard Simmons, and JaiSON versus Natalie, Brett, and Mick. And at first, the Spacelies were losing, but then the other team the other team was losing. And then it was over and they lost. You know, I should have followed my dream of being a sports broadcaster. I couldn’t be any worse than Dennis Miller was on Monday Night Football – “Hey, that pass reminds me of the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, right Al?”

So, Spacely, Richard Simmons and JaiSON won reward and it was a trip to a remote village to eat and watch Samoans dance. And to my dismay, Humpty Hump’s plea to the people of Samoa to, in fact, do the Humpty Hump was not heard. Because I didn’t see one person limp to the side like their leg was broken or shake and twitch kind of like they were smoking.

And I definitely didn’t find myself thinking any of them looked like MC Hammer on crack.

And back at camp, the three losers decided that they would get some food (snails) and eat on the beach while watching the sunset – sort of like a “loser’s reward.” And, you know, good for them. I mean, losers need love too, right? I mean, even Screech had Donna Martin. Wait….is that right? I think. Wait. Maybe?The winners also got to sleep on mattresses and pillows. And Richard Simmons was just being downright “silly.” She was putting the netting over her face and saying “I’m in a net.” I love jokes you don’t have to think about. Or laugh at.

Also, they are all pretty worried about Natalie’s first choice of Brett at the challenge. Richard Simmons says its very telling. At least I think that’s what she said. By then, I was in the process of burning out my retinas with a hot poker because she chose to wear what looked like just a bra to bed. Speaking of bras, how about that episode of Who’s the Boss? Where Tony went bra shopping with…huh? I did? Oh, crap…um when he when he HEY OH I’M WALKIN HERE!!!1111

So, the next day, Spacely confronted Natalie about her choice and she said that she was still on board with him til the end. Which, I don’t know…I know she is all ‘God is awesome’ and stuff and wouldn’t strike you as a liar, but she could probably work around it. People are always misquoting the Bible and what not. My Mom always did. Like one time, she told me that God forbade me to watch Three’s Company because it was against his will…all so she could watch Classic Concentration.

The reward challenge was a weird one. The tribe members had to go out and count random things – fish, coconuts, squids (seriously) and then come back and use those numbers as a combination to get this rod out and break a tile. It was odd. In the end, Brett ended up winning. Which sort of makes me skeptical. I mean, they have been gunning for Brett for the past two weeks. And all of a sudden, he’s winning challenges? Even though he never won one before. This is more suspect than the end of Superman IV. At the end, they show Superman flying around the globe and, like, you can see him from space. That would make him, honestly, something like 100 miles long. How could anyone not have figured that out? I mean, I still believed he was ready to give up his power for Margot Kidder….and even I found that hard to believe.

So, anyways, Brett won immunity which means that they had to switch gears and consider voting out Mick. However, JaiSON has another idea. He wants to vote out Richard Simmons because Mick gives them a better shot at ousting Brett. And as he is talking about this with Spacely, up walks Richard Simmons. And he walks right away. Which makes her suspicious. And I don’t know. I mean, you know how many people have walked away from me? I never took it personally. I just figured it meant most people didn’t care to hear how I think Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, He-Man is awesome and everything, but deep down he is still that whinebag Prince Adam. And really, Prince Adam just seems like someone that couldn’t stand up to Popeye’s spinach-fueled rage. Like, let’s say they meet each other and get in a little bit of a tussle….then I could see…wait…come back. Fine, I guess you don’t like people having opinions. Fascist.

At tribal, Natalie talks to the fact that Richard Simmons would be a great person to take to the end because no one on the jury would vote for her. And I have to agree…but what do I know. I am just a guy who thinks Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, think about it. If he just used his oversized arms to knock that sword of power away, how could he….ugh, fine, come back. Sorry.

In the end, though, they decided to keep Mick for reasons I cannot fathom and they voted out Richard Simmons. Which is nice, since we don’t have to root anymore for someone who is so unlikeable. I imagine its a lot like being a Yankees fan.

Until next time,

Thursday, December 17, 2009


So, I’m sitting there watching this episode of Survivor, and I am all comfortable…thinking hey, this is a cool regular nothing-crazy-is-happening episode. And then Mark Burnett is like BODY BLOW BODY BLOW UPPERCUT UPPERCUT GREAT FIGHTING YOU’RE AN UP AND COMING BOXER KING HIPPO GLASS JOE!!!! Also, did Mike Tyson chew the face off of the Nintendo graphics guy because he decided to leave his gap in his 16-bit portrait? I am assuming yes.

The episode started with the tribe coming back from tribal council. And Richard Simmons was shocked at how everyone voted out John. But to calm her, Spacely says that John was gunning for her before tribal council. She, of course, trusts him. Which makes even less sense than when Hansel and Gretel trusted that witch in the candy house. By the by, how disturbing is that fairy tale? Its like a little kid horror movie. That’s why I have taken to telling my children the story of the kids who went to visit their grandpa’s house and strayed too far into the woods only to be slaughtered at the hands of a skinmask-wearing chainsaw-wielding cannibal. And the moral is a lot easier to swallow – NEVER VISIT TEXAS!! What’s the moral of Hansel and Gretel? Don’t eat candy houses? F that…if you see a candy house, eat it. That’s my motto. And if its surrounded by a moat of malt liquor? All the better. That’s my other motto. I have a lot of mottos…but most of them involve candy and malt liquor. I am like a modern-day Confucius.

The next morning, JaiSON talks to Brett and Monica about Spacely’s money. “He told Mick he made two million dollars last year,” he says. Then Brett tries to get JaiSON to consider turning on Spacely. He says no. So he’s no Benedict Arnold. For those of my readers who don’t know, Benedict Arnold was a traitor who turned his back on America to focus on his love of Canadian Bacon and Hollandaise Sauce. The More You Know.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. I know what you’re thinking what I was thinking. Which was – “THIS IS CRAZY AS CRAP WHAT? An immunity challenge? This early in the show? But what are they going to do for the rest of the time? And I wonder if I can fit that entire sandwich in my mouth? If I keep this glass of water handy, I think I’ll be ok. Well, here goes. Half in. Now the whole thing. Hm, its pretty hard to breathe right now. I should grab that glass of….oh crap I dropped it. This sandwich is delicious though even if it is slowly killing me. Well, I guess this is the end. And I never got to visit the Moon. Which was a goal of mine. Wait. OK….I am starting to be able to chew now. Its going down. Almost. Bam. Ah, that’s better. Now, back to the show. Wait. Do you think I could fit both of those Ring Dings into my mouth?”

Right….we were all thinking, that, right? Its amazing how we are all the same – Black, White, Man, Woman, Big, or Small. At our basest, we all carry the same fears, hopes, and dreams – which all center around trying to fit things into our mouths. I am you. And you are me. Now, come, take my hand brother and let’s shove that piece of pepperoni pizza called life into your mouth.

So, yeah, an Immunity Challenge. And it was bowling-focused. Which you would think would be boring. But…well…yeah, you were right the first time.

And, during it, Richard Simmons said that she was playing for “all her friends in a bowling league.” And I was surprised she knew people in a bowling league. It was almost as surprising as when Anakin became Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith. I am surprised easily is what I am telling you right now. Tiger has another mistress? WHAT??/????QUESTION MARKS?

In the end, it came down to JaiSON and Richard Simmons. JaiSON ended up winning, getting him his second immunity win in a row. I know. Its exciting. Until you realize that he won the first won by gaining an unfair advantage through bidding. And he won the second by knocking over, I think, two pins and beating Richard Simmons score of 0. So, it was a lot like the end of Seabiscuit. Except instead of racing thoroughbred horses, he raced a one-legged pony, a stack of newspapers, and that painting of dogs playing poker.

After the challenge, there was of course some scrambling. Mick warns that, in order to keep Richard Simmons on their side, the existing Foa Foas should vote out Dave. Spacely, however, seems to be thinking that Richard Simmons has become expendable and maybe he should be thinking about voting her out. I hope I never become expendable. I would hate to be replaced. Like when they put that other Darrin in on Bewitched. They just replaced Dick York with Dick Sergeant. That’s what he gets for having such a common name. So, I think I am pretty safe – Wayne is pretty uncommon. I think there are only like 3 other Waynes in the world – Gretzky, Knight, and Newton. And none of them, I think, can write about Punky Brewster the way I can. Or maybe they can. Dammit. I had better update my skill set. Hey, remember that show Beauty and the Beast where Sarah Connor used to make out with Lion-o from The Thundercats?

Position safe.

Then came tribal council. And there, Richard Simmons and Dave get into a disagreement about who to take to the end. Dave thinks you should take someone you have the best chance of winning against, while Richard Simmons thinks you should take the strongest. Which seems stupid. I know everyone says “to be the best, you have to beat the best.” Which is a load of crap. I always like to go up against the worst. Setting the bar low is key. For example, whenever I used to take girls on dates in high school, I always made sure to drop twenty dollars in front of a homeless person. Because showing your date that you have more money than a homeless person is a surefire way to cast yourself in a better light. Plus, like 6 times out of 10, it made me look more hygienically sound as well.

In the end…er…middle, it ended up being Dave who received the majority of votes. And we bidded him adieu. But hello to more hilarity. Hm…Oh, you just missed him. Hilarity just stepped out to take a call. But, here….mediocrity and “trying too hard” can handle things from here on out.


Next up was another immunity challenge. In this one, the tribe members had to run out into the water and retrieve these bags that they would then have to catapult, via see-saw, into these baskets. It was sort of like that game Mouse Trap in that it was a lot of work for a very small payout. Much like sitting through a later episode of The Cosby Show. So, wait…Olivia is who’s daughter now? And Rudy is what? And he wears those sweaters why? And the jokes are where?

Brett ended up winning. So, I don’t know…good for him.

After the challenge, Monica decides to try and stir the pot. She goes and tells Spacely that Natalie told her he was a millionaire. Then Spacely went and confronted Natalie, who denied that she said anything. Then he asked Brett, who confirmed it was JaiSON who told everyone. Then Spacely asked JaiSON and he admitted it, but said that this was just Monica trying to stay in the game. Then my head exploded like that Raiden-looking dude in Big Trouble in Little China.

Wow, a clouded reference to Mortal Kombat alluding to a Kurt Russell/Kim Cattral film. Guaranteed I was the only one who got that.

At tribal council, Spacely almost immediately takes out his hidden immunity idol and puts it around his neck. Not playing it, just letting everyone know he has it. It’s a pretty smart move. This way, no one is probably going to vote for him tonight and then he is still free to use it for the next tribal council. So its like he is getting two week’s worth of immunity out of one idol. He’s pretty smart. Which is odd for this show.

In the end, Monica and her tube socks were voted off….and we say goodbye to her and her tube socks…did I mention that already. I HAZ CREEPY!!!

Until next time,

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


So, its pretty crazy how good this season of Survivor still is. I actually have been having conversations with others about how good it is. And this, honestly, hasn’t happened since like the year 2000 or some crap. Seriously, I feel like next we are going to be hearing about voting miscounts, singing the Thong Song, and rushing to watch Martin Lawrence’s magnum opus Big Momma’s House. A man dressing as a woman is funny. A man dressing as a fat person is funny. A man dressing as an old person is funny. A man dressing as a fat old woman? Not that funny, actually. Weird. You would think putting three awesome things together would equal triple awesomeness. Like the time I watched Kidco while listening to We Are the World and sniffing White Out. Well, it would have been even better if my kids weren’t continually asking me to change the TV to the Disney channel.

There’s a choice we’re making. We’re saving our own lives. It’s true we make a better day. Just you and me.

So, the show started with the Aiga tribe returning from tribal council after voting out Laura due to John’s voting switcheroo. And Monica is none too happy. “We all want to make it to the end, but at some point you need to show loyalty and integrity and respect for the people that you made promises to,” she says, “John has to go home.” Yeah, makes total sense. That’s what this show is based on. Loyalty and integrity and respect. And puppy dogs and unicorns and fairies and other things that the show is so obviously not based on. Like vans with pictures of wizards on them. Although a show about that would be pretty awesome. I bet it would involve a lot of mullets and Mixed Martial Arts.

The next morning, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely return with treemail which, to everyone’s delight, contains money for everyone. “FOOD AUCTION!!!1111one one1” yells Monica. Which was pretty smart of her. Usually when I receive money in an envelope in the mail, I either assume it was a mistake or I was sleep-dealing-Ecstacy again. Yes, your honor, it IS a real medical condition.

So, the tribe arrives at the challenge and sits on the bleachers as THE ARCHANGEL explains the rules. Each person has been given $500 and bidding for each item starts at $20. And no sharing of either money or food. Which just seems like a terrible lesson to be teaching the children of the world, Mr. Burnett. Even worse than the lessons of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which teaches children that it’s ok to be a bigoted a-hole, so long as you’re Santa Claus. Oh, ok Santa…so you tell this kid’s parents that their freak son will never drive your sleigh. And then you tell the kid. Right to his face. In song. And then, when you realize you can capitalize on this poor animal’s deformity, you’re all, “Hey buddy. Hey….Um. About all that crap I said earlier. You know I was just kidding, right? You’re a really special reindeer….why don’t you come guide my sleigh and what not? Then maybe we can go out for an ice cream after. What d’ya say, pal?” Frakkin’ two-faced fatso.

And don’t even get me started on how he craps all over the elves after they sing him a song. They wrote. For him. In between their non-paid work in his sweat shops.

The first item up for bid was a PB&J sandwich. And Natalie bids $200. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone if they remember her love of eating from The Facts of Life. Plus, if it was made with delicious Welch's Concord Grape Jelly, then it would be understandable because of its full, bold flavor and Welch's commitment to making real grape products. For real people like me.

Welch's – It’s the mad bomb, yo.

The next item came out, covered. And Richard Simmons outbids everyone with $240. And it ends up being sea noodles and sea slug guts. Which must have been disappointing. Even more disappointing than going to see a Barenaked Ladies concert. You mean I brought all these one dollar bills for nothing?

Then, Monica won a cooked chicken. Mick won a cheeseburger. And Natalie won a shower. In front of everyone. And despite me going up close to my TV, kneeling down, and trying to look in, we couldn’t see anything.

Now, one item came out and THE DEVIL said it promised a significant advantage in the immunity challenge. And JaiSON ended up bidding his whole $500. He said he did this to help out his old tribe members. So selfless, that JaiSON. Winning something to help him win the next immunity challenge. This was the most selfless thing I have seen someone do since Uncle Scrooge didn’t give that money to that mole and mouse dude collecting money for charity because he wanted to make sure they still had jobs in Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Man, Mickey’s Christmas Carol is such a timeless tale. I wonder why it hasn’t ever been retold. Hm? Dickens? Doesn’t ring a bell. But you know what else is a great story? Oliver & Company.

Heh, you said Dickens.

Also, John won both a clue to the hidden idol and a piece of apple pie. And he was given a choice when he went to get it. He could either have the slice all to himself. Or, he could get a whole pie to share with 4 people. And he ended up keeping it all to himself. He said it was because he thought everyone was nice and wouldn’t vote him off because of this. Then, he said he thought OJ didn’t do it. Because, why would he lie? Then he sent all his money to this guy in Nigeria who sent him an email claiming he had millions waiting for him. Then he was really stupid and na├»ve is what I am saying to you right now.

After the challenge, back at camp, John searches for the idol but comes up short and suspects that Spacely now has yet another idol. Which he, of course, is completely correct in assuming. He would also be correct in assuming that I am an International Man of Mystery that men want and women want to be. Wait. That’s not right. Take that last part and reverse it. Also, did I say correct? I meant completely incorrect. Wow, this whole last paragraph was just a complete and utter waste. Like that Single Guy show.

After this, Richard Simmons starts preparing for the DEATH OF THE CHICKENS. Its come time for the tribe to kill the chickens for food. And Richard Simmons is not happy about it because she has befriended the chickens. She says she comes and talks to them sometimes when she needs to work things out. Which might sound crazy. But then I remembered how I do the same thing. With the trees. I talk to the trees. But they don’t listen to me. I talk to the stars. But they never hear me.

Wow, seriously…did I just reference Paint Your Wagon? When did I become a grandfather? No, seriously. When? This kid was just left here with a note saying I was his grandfather. OK. There was no note. But…well. OK, he wasn’t left here either. I found him at the supermarket. In someone’s cart. While they were checking their tomatoes for freshness. But, whatever. We seem to be getting along. It’s a lot like Punky Brewster. Except instead of me being a crotchety old dude constantly complaining about how this child has taken over his life, I am a handsome young hipster who still goes out and parties and drinks. And leaves him alone. At home. In the closet. Don’t judge me.

So, the chickens are killed. And Richard Simmons cooks them. Badly. And when Dave informs her she is cooking them wrong, she gets upset saying that she has had a bad day and he should just lay off. This leads to her saying Dave should be voted off. Not because of this exchange, of course. But because she had a dream she was gonna vote Dave off. And she feels that this tells her something. I wonder if that’s true. Do dreams really tell the future? If so, when do I tell my wife about Kim Kardashian moving in? After the holidays? Good call.

Haha….I am probably going to be sleeping on the couch for that one.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In it, the tribe members had to hold onto a log with a rope and, every three minutes, they would be asked to switch hands and move down a knot on the rope, making it harder to hold on. And we got to see what JaiSON’s advantage would be – at any time in the challenge, he could move up two knots on the rope, giving him a two-knot advantage over everyone else. A pretty big advantage. Though probably not as big as the advantage as Slater had when he and Zack got in that fistfight over who got to go to the dance with the new girl. I mean, Slater was on the wrestling team. Though Zack could freeze time. Hmmmmm…this is a tough one. Let me put it into my pop culture analysisizer. Beep Beep Bop. And the result is: YOU ARE LOSER. Oh, even my own computer. Good grief.

At the end, it was JaiSON and Dave hanging on for immunity. Dave made a solid effort but, due to JaiSON’s advantage, ended up dropping his log. Which is just too obvious a joke.


Back at camp, everyone seems on board to vote out Dave based on Richard Simmons’ premonition. But, an exchange between John and Spacely looks like it might change things. In it, John suggests that, if they are in danger, they use the idol. Spacely tries to pretend he doesn’t have it, but John gets him to spill. And, because of that, Spacely says, “It was my mistake, but sorry John, you gotta go home for it,” Oh Spacely, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

So, Spacely starts recruiting people to vote out John with him, winning over both Dave and Monica. He then brings in Mick and JaiSON, reluctantly. JaiSON is a bit worried about turning on Richard Simmons because of her vindictiveness. I haven’t seen anyone this scared of Richard Simmons since that brush. Because of his hair. Its crazy and hard to tame. So, you know, if you were a comb and had to make it through that, you’d be scared. This is joke. Ummm…hey, remember Quantum Leap??

At tribal council, THE DEVIL INCARNATE asks if people were scrambling today. Spacely says yes and this shocks Richard Simmons. Judging by his hair, I would say this wasn’t the first thing that ever shocked Richard Simmons. Because shock could mean surprise, but it can also mean an electric shock. Which would make someone’s hair stand on end. Er. Hey….remember that Ghoulies??

More surprising, I am sure, was that the majority voted off John even after Richard Simmons’ dream. So we say goodbye to John. Sorry John, but at least you can feel better knowing that you were never in one of Richard Simmons’ dreams.

Until next time,

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I have made a lot of ridiculous statements in my life –

Spice World is hilarious,”

“I hope I never buy a cell phone,”

“I would be an asset to your company.”

But I think I can say, without reservation, this may be the best season of Survivor ever. Yeah, ok, I guess it’s a little “catering to the masses” that they keep hiding immunity idols all over the place, but meh…so is Jackass. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching Steve-O get kicked in the crotch by Wee Man. In fact, I enjoy the hell out of that. I AM THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR!!!

But its just been really enjoyable, and last night’s episode is no exception. The episode started with everyone returning from last week’s Kelly blindside at Tribal Council. Mr. Spacely was extremely happy with himself, comparing himself to Picasso. Which seemed a little over-the-top. Much like the training montage in Rocky IV. I mean, in one instance, Rocky actually pulls Paulie on a sled through the snow. I don’t even think there was a benefit to Rocky there. What if he caught a cold? I think Paulie was still pissed about that pinball machine.

Most of the women seem pretty pissed about how Spacely and his crew blindsided Kelly. Laura claims that he “ruined everything.” Spacely and Richard Simmons, though, laugh this off; Spacely says, “I ruined everything? What did she think I’m here for? To bake her cookies and cakes?” I hope she doesn’t think that. Because she is going to really feel misled at the end of all this. And that sucks, trust me. Like when I was a kid, I ordered these Sea-Monkeys out of the back of a comic book. And they didn’t live up to the hype one bit. In the ad, they were all driving cars and shooting basketball and performing interpretive dance. When I got them home, it was a major disappointment. Turns out all they do is look like my water bottle after I’ve been eating a lot of crackers. Sea Monkeys? More like, um, Sea Turdfaces.

The next morning, Spacely does what he does best, and searches for the hidden immunity. “They’re like magnets to me,” he exclaims. Which reminded me a lot of in high school. I was regarded by some as a “chick magnet.” In fact, I used to walk down the street and people would say, “hey, there goes the chick magnet.” And by “people” I mean “my mom.” Hmmm…and thinking more about it. She may have said “stick magnet.” Which would make more sense. Since I used to walk into sticks all the time. That were thrown by the neighborhood kids.

Meanwhile, Richard Simmons approaches John about voting our Laura at the next tribal council if she doesn’t win immunity. If she can convince John to vote out Laura, then they would have the numbers to switch the balance of power. Which is different than if they voted out the pharmacist in It’s a Wonderful Life, because that would shift the balance of Gauer. Or if they voted out the big dude on Police Academy, because that would shift the balance of Hightower. Orrr….if they voted out the Purple Pie Man on Strawberry Shortcake, because that would shift the balance of flour. Get it? No…the joke is that I had nothing else to write about. Isn’t it hilarious how I don’t have talent?

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the tribe is split into two teams – Purple and Yellow. One person from each team has to lay in this cradle thing held up by ropes which are, in turn, held by other members of the team. The people holding the ropes have to guide the person in the cradle around to grab these flags and stick them in these slots. Yep. Oh, and also the SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE. Which I guess is a phone or something. You know, back in my day, the only phones we had plugged into the walls. And we liked it. And if we wanted to purchase one song at a time, we had to buy a cassingle (Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now was one of my first because I am awesome.) And we loved it. And if we wanted to look at pornography, we had to ask the homeless guys down by the railroad tracks to buy it for us. We didn’t have fancy Internets and age verifications. And we, I don’t know, were actually pretty uncomfortable with that one.

The yellow team consists of Richard Simmons, Jaison, Monica and Mick, with John in the cradle. The purple team consists of Dave, Brett, Laura and Russell, with Natalie in the cradle. I gotta say…Natalie kicked ass in this challenge. I gotta say – I didn’t expect much from her, but she has definitely risen above expectations. She has really surprised me. I don’t think I have been surprised like this since the end of ALF. What the hell. So, he’s taken away and. And….nothing. I haven’t been that surprised about something since that time Natalie kicked ass in a challenge. What? My mind works in a circular fashion is how my mind works.

Anyways, the purple team wins because of Natalie’s awesomeness. And they win a picnic at a waterfall. I guess picnics at waterfalls must be Samoan traditions because I am pretty sure they won this same prize last week. I am pretty sure. I tried to go back and read last week’s recap, but I couldn’t wade through it. I mean, that thing is complete nonsense. You guys have awful taste.

So they went on a picnic. And it was super boring. Too bad it wasn’t like that song my parents used to sing to me when I was a little boy:

If you go out in the woods today
Your guts are sure to spill
If you go out in the woods today
They’ll come in for the kill

For every bear will tear your flesh
And drink your blood, because
Today's the day the rabid grizzly bears have their picnic.

Huh? You think that’s bad you should hear the one about the black widow spider that stuffs dead children up a water spout every time it rains. Those songs taught me valuable lessons. Like make sure to keep a steak knife under my pillow.

Although at the lunch, they did get to look through the SPRINT PALM PRE and it gave them some clues as to where the hidden immunity idol was. And one of the clues was a picture of where it was hidden. That’s really more than just a clue. It’s more of a HEY LOOK UNDER THIS SPECIFIC ROCK. It was kind of like if, instead of leaving clues for Scooby-Doo and his pals, the bad guy just left a note saying “I am the old man who owns the carnival and I am wearing a mask and I would have gotten away with this if it wasn’t for you crazy kids catching me in a half hour from now.” Jinkies.

As soon as they get back to camp, the search is on. Dave has a plan. His plan is to follow behind Spacely. Which seemed kind of stupid. Also stupid? When everyone else started seeing Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street. It was much better when everyone thought Big Bird was a damned dirty liar. Because it taught kids an important lesson – don’t trust birds. I wish I heeded that advice. Because here I am. Still waiting. For Feathers to come back to me. Sniff.

Anyways, Spacely loses Dave in the jungle. Which really does not make Dave look all that good. For those of you who haven’t seen what Spacely actually looks like, imagine chasing Danny Devito through the jungle and he lost you. Imaging Danny DeVito lost you…by running. You can pretty much pack up any self-esteem you have and toss it off a bridge at that point.

And then Spacely comes back to a rock and he finds it. He finds another idol. And no one sees him do it. Its pretty amazing that he keeps finding these things. More amazing than those kids who used to solve Rubik’s Cubes with their feet. Though that’s probably not the most amazing thing I have ever seen anyone do with their feet. Remember Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing? His moves were divine and watching him made my…I mean, what? I mean, remember him in Road House? Remember how hot chicks are and that punching a dude in the face is the best? TESTOSTERONE!!!!!111

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. THE DEVIL HIMSELF explains that this is a 2-round challenge. In the first round, every tribe member is assigned a color and gets one throw at a set of tiles. However many they break in that one row determines how many tries they get in the second round. In the second round, those that earned attempts have to try to hit a target with a bow and arrow. So, Brett is the only one that earns two tries and he, along with JaiSON, Mick and Monica (due to Dave being awful again and knocking out her tile) take their shots at the target. Mick ends up winning, despite Brett’s multiple tries.

Before tribal, Monica has a plan to convince the remaining Foa Foas that she wants to vote out John and, with Richard Simmons dead set on voting out Laura, get all of Galu to vote out Natalie, thus making it 4-to-5 and getting Natalie out. Mr. Spacely didn’t buy this for a second. And he went to John and told him the plan that the Galus were putting into play. He, being the one they were putting out there, was none too happy about any of this…So he said that he would vote with his tribe, but if that resulted in a tie, he would vote for Laura. Are you confused yet? I am. But I get confused easily. I mean, this morning it took me like 3 hours to do the maze on the back of the Trix box. Turns out it was the ingredient panel. And it was a box of ziti. And it was 8:00 at night. And I was drunk.

So, then came tribal council. And when THE PROBST read the votes, it came out to be a tie between Laura and Natalie. So, everyone had to re-vote and if it came out to be a tie again, they would have to leave it up to fate and draw rocks. Man, Bob Ross was so good at drawing rocks. So, everyone votes again…and when the votes are read again, it comes out that Laura received one more vote this time. And she was out. So, someone flipped. Who could it be? I can’t stand this mystery. Who in the hell could it…Oh, it was John. Right. Duh.

Until next time,

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Hey everyone. First, let me apologize for not doing an update last week. But I have a pretty good track record this season, no? This is the first week I missed. So, consider this my “mulligan.” Oh, you don’t know what a mulligan is? Its a golf term for, basically, not counting a bad shot and taking a do-over. I believe it was named for “Empty Nest” star, Richard Mulligan. Meatballs II was his “bad shot” and his stint as the spirit guide in The Heavenly Kid was his mulligan. And I don’t know. I consider that a “bad use of a mulligan” especially considering ME TED ME TED MEATHEAD!!!11

Anyways, last week’s episode was pretty good. Going into tribal, Erik and Mr. Spacely were wondering if they should play their hidden immunity idols. Mr. Spacely decided to play his, and he received zero votes. So, it was useless. Much like this degree in “learning the personal computer” I got from Sally Struthers. Great…now I know how to get my floppy disks clean and play lemonade stand til the cows come home. Thanks Sally. You know, she should have combined her love of correspondence schools with her desire to help underdeveloped areas of the world. She really could have made a difference teaching the starving children of the world gun repair from the comfort of their own home. I mean, sure, for the cost of a cup of coffee, I could help a starving child…but this would have given them the skills to really improve their lives. You can teach a man to fish but you can’t make him drink, right?

Wait. Was that right?

Whatever. Regardless, in the end, Erik didn’t use his immunity idol and he was blindsided. And who orchestrated this blindside? Natalie. Yup, Natalie. I am as shocked as you are. Even more shocked than I was whenever Natalie had a boyfriend on The Facts of Life. It’s not just that she was unattractive, but she was also sooooo annoying. Plus, she lived with Blair and Jo, who were infinitely hotter. Hell, I would have even taken Tootie and she had braces and wore roller skates for a good chunk of time in Peekskill. Like everywhere. She just lived in roller skates. And didn’t we all know someone like that? The roller skate kid? No? Eh, me neither. But I did know a kid that had really bad dandruff. Why didn’t they ever have a character like that? Then I would have been like, “yeah, I can really relate to this now. I wish I didn’t have such bad dandru…I mean he. I wish he didn’t have such bad dandruff.” Phew. Covered that one up nicely.

But let’s stop living in the past, man. Move on already. On to this week’s episode. Or live in the past, what do I care?

This week’s episode began with Natalie being useful, again. And full of murderous rage. So, she’s out in the jungle in her bikini and she comes upon a rat hanging out doing rat-stuff and she decides that, since she is hungry, she should play God. So, she grabs a stick and, in her bikini, she goes ahead and starts beating the crap out of the rat. And I was left realizing this was exactly like a dream I once had. Except replace “rat” with “weasel.” And replace “stick” with “4-foot pastrami sandwich.” And replace “Natalie in a bikini” with “Peter Jennings in a child-sized Mighty Morphin Power Rangers costume.” And replace “me” with “a new employee after sending this story out to my colleagues.”

So, she takes the dead rat in a coconut over to her camp and then they cook it up and eat it. And I was all, oh that’s gross and how can you eat a rat and that’s disgusting and then I finished my Mozzarella Stick/Chicken Finger/French Fry/Bacon sub. I mean, have some self-respect, right?

Yeah, its called “The Fat Willard” and its available at Neapoli in Malden, MA. If you order it, tell them Wayne sent you. And then, when you get to the hospital, forget you ever knew me.

So, then came ye ol’ reward challenge. In it, the tribe would be split into two teams that each had to carry this big pole with black and white coconuts on it and make it line up so that it showed 4 numbers - a combination. Then, a blindfolded member of the team has to use their hands to feel around this lock to line up the same numbers and release…God, I am tired already. Does anyone remember that episode of South Park where they discover that Family Guy gets all their random non-sequiturs by having manatees drop random “idea balls” to generate nonsensical pop culture references? I am pretty sure that’s how Survivor gets their ideas for challenges.

Heh, manatees. That’s about as unbelievable as the time I was hanging out at Arnold’s restaurant and this mute chick came in. Arnold was trying to ask her if she wanted fries with that and she couldn’t answer him. So, the Fonz came over and punched her in the face. All of a sudden, she started talking. Then he was like AYYYYYYYY!!! He was such a lovable criminal.

So the teams were divided into the Purple Team – Richard Simmons, Kelly, Dave, John, and Monica – and the Yellow Team – Brett, Laura, Mick, JaiSON, and Mr. Spacely. Natalie was left out on her own, but she could choose a team to root for and if that team wins, she gets to go on reward with them. And their reward is an afternoon of sliding down rocks and eating fried chicken. Man, I love fried chicken. And fried shrimp. And fried oreos. And fried arteries. Natalie chose the Yellow Team. I chose a 40oz. of Steel Reserve. In the end, we both lost.

Yep, Purple won. And as winners they were brought to this place with a natural rock slide so they could slide down….um, natural rock. As opposed to artificial rock. Like Nickelback. And afterwards they were treated to a picnic lunch with fried chicken and desserts and what not. And everyone was of course excited. BECAUSE HE PUTS ADDICTIVE CHEMICALS IN HIS CHICKEN SMART ARSE!!! OH YOU”RE GONNA BUY MY CHICKEN!

Manatees, man. Manatees.

Also, while enjoying their meal, they were given a clue to another hidden immunity idol. And they decided to only share it with fellow Galu members. Which just seemed totally unfair. It sucks when you’re left out of things. It feels so lonely. So I hear. I mean, I never feel lonely. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, my friends must have just stepped out a few minutes ago. With my car. And all my money. And by “a few minutes ago” I mean “after that time in high school where I told everyone that I thought For Keeps was the best movie ever.” And by “friends” I mean “parents.”

Sad face.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter how well they keep their secret, because Mr. Spacely is an immunity idol-findin’ fool. He goes on the hunt and ends up finding it under a bridge. Without a clue. Again. And I was actually happy that he did. I find myself rooting for Mr. Spacely lately. I think he is probably the most deserving on this tribe of the million. I haven’t changed the way I felt about someone this quickly since I met that chick at that bar that I thought was the most unattractive thing I have ever seen and then I drank a fifth of vodka and then I thought she looked like an angel and then I woke up the next day and realized she was a 78 year-old man. That was the craziest PTO meeting I have ever attended.

You know, I have been thinking that maybe I write a book about my life. A memoir. Where I treat my readers to colorful stories from this life I have led. Or maybe a children’s book. About my life. No, wait…a children’s book. Yeah, a children’s book. Except, of course, I’ll have to clean the stories up for the kiddies. For example, in that last little yarn, I can replace the 78 year old chick-dude with green eggs. And ham. And I can replace the fifth of vodka with an annoyingly persistent little piece of crap. I think I can leave in the part about eating with a goat though. Huh? Oh, well…it was a long night. Anyways, this book is gonna be awesome. I think I’ll call it…um…hmmm…Getting frakkin wasted at a bar with a goat. Kids love animals and what not. Its all in my Wildlife Treasury.

The next day, Mt. Spacely takes Richard Simmons out fishing and tells her about the fact that he has the hidden immunity idol. And Richard Simmons thought he was the luckiest person ever. And I don’t know. I mean, one time on Let’s Make a Deal I saw a dude win like a year’s supply of turtle wax. Can you imagine not having to worry about waxing your turtle for a whole year? Also, another time on The Newlywed Game¸ these people were all talking about making whoopee. I don’t really know what that means, but this other time I found a free whoopee pie. In the hands of the fattest kid in school. After I kicked him in the stomach. So what I am trying to say is this “luckiest person” title is pretty much up in the air.

So Richard Simmons and Mr. Spacely make a plan to take out Laura with a blindside. And they started calling her Medusa. As many of you probably remember from Clash of the Titans, Medusa was this crazy awesome chick with snakes in her hair that could turn you to stone. Seriously, she was like the second best part of the movie next to the Gorgon. Well, and the scorpions were pretty awesome. Anyways, I digress…Medusa was cool. And Laura is not. So I don’t think it’s a fair comparison. Laura is more like Bubo the robotic owl. Frikkin’ Bubo sucked.

Then came the immunity challenge and I am really getting long on words here…so let’s just skip to the end. Laura won. Which bummed out Richard Simmons and Spacely. But Richard Simmons had a backup plan…Spacely can get all of the Foa Foa members to vote against Kelly and then Galu can vote against Spacely. When he uses his idol – BAM!!11 PWNED!! O HAI!!! – Kelly goes. It was a good plan, but risky. It hinged on a number of things going right at exactly the same time. Much like my plan to get back to 1985. I have to basically drive my DeLorean and hit 88 mph, hit the wire with my connecting hook, and rely on lightning to hit the clock tower all at the exact same time. And don’t get me started about the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Marvin Berry and 1.21 GIGAWATS??!!!! That was heavy.

So Spacely set to work telling everyone from Foa Foa to vote for Kelly, while Galu decides to vote out Spacely. And Monica actually had the intuition that maybe Spacely has the idol, but Dave said that was ridiculous. That was actually pretty smart of Monica, which was surprising. Also surprising? How hot I think it is that she wears striped tube socks pulled up to her knees. Seriously, I know its creepy for some reason. But I just don’t know why yet. This is going to take more exploration. Its gonna take long hours, but By God someone has to do it. And I am just the creep. Detective. No, creep. Creep was the word.

Next up was the Best. Tribal. Ever. It started with Erik coming out as the first member of the jury. And Dave started in saying how Erik was the worst member of the tribe. And then everyone joined in. Erik sucks. Erik’s the worst. Erik smells bad. Erik’s Chess King sweater is the lamest thing I have ever seen SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I AM A PERSON TOO WITH FEELINGS AND I AM JUST TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE TEACHER!!!111


Then everyone casts their votes. And then THE EVIL ONE comes back and asks that if anyone has the hidden immunity idol and they wish to use it, they do so now. And Spacely stands up. And hands it to LUCIFER. And everyone’s jaws drop. Seriously, I haven’t seen someone this surprised since Ralphie beat up Scott Farkus. He had yellow eyes, you know. So, yeah, he uses it…and four votes in, THE PROBST announces that Kelly is going home. Sorry Kelly. But at least you two can take solace in being part of the funnest tribal ever. So, I don’t know…congrats?

Until next time,

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Hey everyone. So, I know this newsletter is late again, and I apologize but I hope everyone had a Happy Happy Halloween. Mine was great, because this year Halloween fell on a weekend. Me and my boys were trick or treatin’. Robbin’ little kids for bags. Til an old man got behind our ass. So we speeded up the pace. Took a look back and he was right before our face. We were in for a squab’ no doubt…

Oh, but I don’t want to bore you with every detail. But I DO sit alone in my four-cornered room starin’ at candles.

This episode began with the Galu tribe returning from tribal council after a non-vote, but without their leader, Russell. But a a few hours have passed and no one really cares about that anymore. Now, the men are much more concerned with the fact that the male/female ratio in Galu has now slipped to even. Which means that the girls could, if they wanted to, start conspiring to vote out the guys. They, however, have a plan. They think they could probably make Richard Simmons into “just one of the guys” and therefore win her vote over. So, they are going to ask her if she wants to cut her hair and attend a rival high school to prove that she isn’t being taken seriously as a real journalist because she’s a girl. And then I suppose they want her to get into random tussles with Willam Zabka because he lifts tables? And fall in love with Rick after she transforms him from a James Brown loving geek to a cool dude with slick hair? And then I suppose they want her to get in a fight with William Zabka at the prom on the beach and then her brother with all the naked pictures in his room and also the dude with all the lizards and YEAH RIGHT AND I’M CYNDI LOWWWPER!!!

That seems like a pretty intricate and unrealistic plan.

Over at Foa Foa, Russell’s departure has actually left them feeling a little more hopeful. Even JaiSON has put aside his Eeyore’ish demeanor for a more positive outlook. “We’ve got a good chance to win today. No Russell,” he says. But, seriously, do you guys still think you have a chance? It’d be like if the Really Rottens thought, just because Scooby-Doo came down with Canine H1N1 that they’d have a chance at winning. I mean, they still have Captain Caveman and Hong Kong Phooey on the team. You know what I mean? No? Richard Simmons would probably be Captain Caveman.

So, back over at Galu, the guys are trying to figure out a non-80’s way to bring Richard Simmons over to their side. And Erik has a plan. “What if we elect Richard Simmons chief?” he says. Then, he figures RS will be on their side. Which is a much better plan. In fact, I think that’s how they elected Apache Chief in Super Friends:

Meanwhile…back at the Hall of Justice…

Superman: Ugh. God. This is the last time I clean Gleek’s feces off the TroubAlert computer. I mean, the Wonder Twins wanted this stupid monkey. They should be taking care of him. I mean, I’m frikkin’ Superman fer chrissakes.

Wonder Woman: Well, I am not gonna do it. I mean, I’m a girl.

Green Lantern: What? I mean, yeah you are but…

Wonder Woman: But what? But what, Green? Just because I can kick your ass means I am not worthy of gentlemanly gestures?

Green Lantern: Are you still mad about what happened the other night? I never called because I was kind of busy punching the crap out of Solomon Grundy.

Batman: I have an idea. Let’s get that Apache dude over there to do it. I mean, he’s pretty useless otherwise.

Superman: But how? He’s kind of an ass that never helps out.

Batman: But what if we ask him to be our “Chief”? I mean, isn’t that what his people call their leaders?

Robin: Holy offensive stereotype Batman!

Batman: I hate you, Robin.

Aquaman: But I thought I was going to be leader….

Everyone: laughing ass off.

So they hold a vote among the entire camp about who should be the new leader of the tribe. Only the guys all are set to vote for Richard Simmons. Everyone puts their hands behind their backs and are assigned a number. And then everyone has to hold up the number of the person they want to be the new leader. And the guys, of course, all hold up Richard Simmons’ number. And it wasn’t even suspicious. At all. And neither was the fact that the Seavers asked Leonardo DiCaprio to live with them on Growing Pains. Yeah, hey good looking homeless teenager. Would you like to come live with us? No no…nothing untowardly. Come on in.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe members will have to walk out among all of these covered items, each part of a matching pair. And it was basically like Memory. Although of course there was a twist. Each item was a survival-type item. If you make a match, you can either take the point…or take the item. DUH DUH DUH. Though really this only happened once, with Galu taking the fire making stuff and tarp that they matched. And the tribe with the most points gets to go on a boat ride with food and send a member over to the other tribe. And Galu won. Which was surprising. And by “surprising” I mean “not surprising in the least.”

And Richard Simmons chose Laura to go over to the other tribe. Which I commended her for. Because I would have been like, “that girl. With the hair.” Because Laura does nothing is what I am telling you right now.

And over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is already planning for the merge. He takes Laura aside and creates a “secret alliance” with her so that once the tribes merge, they can be like BAM BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING EVEN THOUGH ON MOST SEASONS OF SURVIVOR THIS HAS HAPPENED BOOOOOOOMMMMM THUNDER!!!!!111

And he approached her saying, “I can spot a good Christian anywhere.” Which of course made me think about my own faith and have I really accepted Jesus into my life and whether or not I, myself, have really been a good Christian. Ha…of course it didn’t. It made me think of Ned Flanders.

And this was further reinforced as the Foa Foa tribe was trying to build a fire. Flanders and Natalie sit around the fire talking about some spiritual book that changed their lives….(I don’t know which one it was, but I am guessing it was “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret” because that book totally resonated with me when I was a kid because oh well let’s um…let’s not get into that) And Liz was PO’ed about it. “I don’t really need to hear her and Natalie talking about spiritual book of the months behind my back when I’m trying to get a fire started so that we can eat and drink,” she spewed. She seemed as mad as I get every time one of those Ashton Kutcher Nikon commercials. God, how annoying are those commercials? Its like, “wow, you mean if I buy that camera, I can have a grating, intrusive personality too?” Sign me up. A commercial hasn’t made me NOT want to buy a product since McDonald’s started using those talking Chicken McNuggets. They’re so cute. I can’t wait to dip them in Sweet N’ Sour sauce and ingest them.

And Galu got to go on a boat. And eat. Weren’t you paying attention?

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In this challenge, the tribes had to canoe out the pick up fish-shaped puzzle pieces and then bring those puzzle pieces over and then solve a puzzle. Then they had to puzzle and puzzle til their puzzler was sore.

At the beginning of the challenge, THE FALLEN ANGEL asked Mick why he wasn’t wearing his leadership necklace and Mick replies that its because he thought maybe it was cursed. And I was left regretting I did the whole cursed Tiki thing from the Brady Bunch last week. Oh well. Instead, hey remember the episode of Saved by the Bell where they sell those “Buddy Bands” and Slater, Kelly, and Jesse make this awesome video ( I really can’t add anything to make that video more awesome than it actually is, but once you watch that video, your life will change forever. Trust me.

Hey. They work.

Also, during the challenge, JaiSON appears to have given up on trying anymore. He stops trying to pull in the canoe. He stops trying as they are doing the puzzle. Its painful to watch. Much like when Emily valentine slipped U4EA into Brandon’s drink. Not really because of the whole drug thing, but because it was just so lame but meant to look cool. Remember how they had to exchange an egg to get into the club? Even back then, I didn’t think they looked cool. And I was wearing a neon Bugle Boy T-shirt at the time and listening to Color Me Badd.

So Foa Foa lost…again. And this leads Spacely to a conundrum. On one hand, he feels compelled to vote out Liz. Because that was his original plan and she is annoying and says “book of the months club” instead of “book of the month club.” On the other hand, JaiSON sucks at everything and is a big LAME. Making choices like that is hard. Like just the other day, I had to decide between drinking 3 glasses of whiskey and drinking 4 glasses of whiskey. It was just like that movie Sophie’s Choice. Except more depressing.

At Tribal Council, JaiSON freely admits that its his fault they are losing challenges. Which doesn’t make it any less terrible. It’d be like if David Schwimmer was like “Hey, I admit it. I am a boring character who doesn’t add anything to the ensemble and instead I just sort of mope around and say everything in the same tone and everything I say makes you want to punch yourself in the ears just so you won’t have to deal with my monotone complaints and defeatist attitude. And for that, I apologize.” It wouldn’t make watching Ross any more enjoyable.

Wait a tick. Complaining? Defeatist attitude? Monotone awfulness? Congratulations JaiSON. You have just become Ross Gellar.

Anywhat, in the end…everyone decides that Liz’s shrillness is harder to take than Ross Gellar’s losingness. And they vote out Liz. The end.

Until next time,