YOUR SURVIVOR CHINA FINALE: DOES THAT SMELLY MOP MEAN…OH MY GOD, YOU GOT THE PROMOTION!!!!

It’s bittersweet when the Survivor finale comes along. On the one hand, I really do enjoy writing these newsletters and bringing joy to all of you. On the other hand, that’s all a bunch of bull. Happy Holidays!!

The two-hour whizzbang, gee golly whiz finale started with our four remaining contestants – Amanda Hugandkiss, The Lunchlady, Ally McWHYISSHESTILLHERE?, and Todd – being all super duper super about getting rid of Peih-Gee. Ally Mcalmostoutofmylife was all “hey, I can’t believe I am still on here.” Hey, guess what? Neither can any of us. Her spot in the final four is as unbelievable as that one time that one basketball team from that school made it into the final four that year. Talk about a Snow White story, huh? Yay, sports! Score a touchback!!

When tree mail arrives the next day, Amanda Hugandkiss says this may be the “most important reward challenge ever” because she knows they will need energy to win the final immunity challenge. I said the same thing about the coffee roll I ate this morning. I said, “this is going to be the most important coffee roll ever.” The woman behind the counter didn’t believe me, but it turns out it was pretty important. Without it, I never would have been able to taunt that homeless man I saw afterwards by waving it in front of his face while chanting, “Yummy Yummy.” The Lord works in mysterious ways.

The reward challenge had our final four having to build some sort of a mini “Great Wall” (CHINESE THINGS!!!) They first had to start on top of the wall, then climb down a ladder, then build this bridge thing, then use this other CHINESE THING to stack these blocks then carry them up the ladder to the wall, then build the wall, and then probably other Chinese-type things. The reward was some microwave pizza and lukewarm beer. Yay? Amanda Hugandkiss won. The Lunchlady did awful because she’s not good at puzzles. Unless its, of course, the age-old “how do you make two week old meatloaf edible” puzzle. Actually, she’s not really good at that puzzle either, but her husband doesn’t care. (pssssst…c’mere. I have a secret to tell you. Closer. Closer. Lean in and let me whisper it in your ear. HE’S FAT!!!!)

Now, Amanda Hugandkiss had a choice after winning the challenge. She could either bring one or two people with her to eat Boboli. She chose to bring only Todd. Probably because doing anything nice for Ally McEvil would probably get her banned from heaven and inviting The LunchLady would have left her looking like Ronald Miller after he invited all the cool kids to join him for pizza in Can’t Buy Me Love. She would have been all, “I’ll just eat this crumb off my finger.” And she wouldn’t have even had Cindy Mancini to cushion the blow.

While enjoying their meal, Amanda Hugnadkiss informs Todd that he is the person she least trusts and that he would probably be the person she would most likely expect to backstab her. He acted very shocked, which probably didn’t help his case. He did, however, give a very inauthentic Moe Szyslak-ish “whaaaaaaaa??” which was kind of cool.

Meanwhile, back at camp, The LunchLady and Ally McBlech totally did something that reminded me of that old Abbott and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. Ally was totally skinny while The LunchLady was all kinds of fat. So, yeah, it was just like that routine. It also reminded me of the time I saw a toothpick next to Shamu’s tank at Sea World. Man, that whale could do some crazy stuff.

When Todd and Amanda Hugandkiss return to camp, Todd talks with The Lunchlady about how he is worried about being the only guy at camp and how he’s on her side and all that. I couldn’t really hear it because me, my wife, and my brother kept rewinding it because my wife thought she saw Ally McPoop off doing #2 in the bushes. “Look, right there…right there…” And there she was, squatting in the bushes. We were so excited about catching that and being able to talk about it in the newsletter. How unfortunate when the camera then zoomed in on her just sort of crouching and listening. No pooping. Nothing. What a letdown. You know the show is good when the lack of poopy time is disappointing.

Then Ally McNotpoop went and told Amanda Hugandkiss all about what she just heard. They decide that Todd is a “slippery little sucker” and he is not to be trusted. If there’s one piece of advice I will hold onto forever from Grandpa, it’s that you can’t trust a gay Mormon flight attendant. If there is another piece of advice I will hold onto from ol’ Gramps, it would be “Bea Arthur is out to get me.” Eh, I guess that wasn’t so much advice as it was extreme paranoia. Why do I hold onto it? Because all the other memories are too painful. Although the closet was roomier than one would expect it to be. NO MORE WIRE COAT HANGERS GRANDPA!!! I’M A GOOD BOY!!!

Sorry. I’m just…sorry.

The next day, the tribe members get another dose of tree mail, instructing them to paddle out to some crazy statue thing to go through one of my favorite parts of Survivor – the torches of the fallen. Hey, remember Chicken? No. Remember Ashley? Barely. Remember Jerk-FatGut? Not fondly. Remember Erik? No. Nope. Yes…I mean, no. Man, we have had some good times here, huh? You guys…are my best friends…

FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

THE DEVIL INCARNATE explains to the contestants that the final challenge will have them stacking plates. Oh, excuse me. Stacking China. Because they are in China. You didn’t know???

And yes…it was exciting.

Well, think about it…lunchlady versus the waitress in a dish-stacking spectacular. But, alas, neither could hold up to Amanda Hugandkiss’s bowl-flip maneuver. It was something, folks. Her ability to rise above her competition and…and…sorry, I just cant make it interesting.

Amanda Hugandkiss won. Challenge over. Blah.

However, after losing, The Lunchlady tried to appeal to Amanda Hugandkiss by telling her that this was ‘all she had’ and that she ‘only makes 7 dollars an hour.’ Shut the crap up. I mean, this is how you plan on winning? I mean, you’re a lunchlady for crud’s sake…show some dignity. I will say that Ally McTerrible did have one redeeming moment when she said, in response to the Lunchlady’s pleas, “This isn’t welfare. You know, like she doesn’t deserve it just because, you know, she sucks at life.” Although, if having a mullet and being a lunchlady is “sucking at life” then I don’t wanna not suck at life. Know what I’m saying? No? Hey, remember television shows in the 80’s? Remember Double Trouble?

At tribal council, The Lunchlady says that Amanda Hugandkiss had her back or something, to which Amanda replied, “I did not, Wilma Ray Cyrus!!!” OK, she didn’t say that whole thing, but something close to it…and Todd was like, ‘that was cold.”

Later, Amanda Hugandkiss was like, ‘no you didn’t” And he was like, “sorry.’

But, I am getting ahead of myself. Despite The Lunchlady sucking at life, she was voted out. And at that point, we said goodbye to Cynthia and Cathy Pratt. But, ladies, please keep reading. I promise I will keep it interesting for you*

*That promise is void in all 50 states, Canada, and Luxembourg, surprisingly.

Back at camp, the next day, the remaining three enjoy a breakfast left for them – eggs, bacon, and fly-infested pancake batter. You come for the bacon and you stay for the disease.

Next up? Facing the jury. Some highlights:

Peih-Gee looked absolutely hammered. She couldn’t even keep her eyes open the entire time. Peih-Gee? More like Peih…Gee, I am super drunk. Right? Right?

Todd knew all he had to do to make Jerk-Fatgut vote for him was tell him he was awesome at something. I would have been all, “you are awesome at having a fat gut.” Man, I would be so good on this show.

Jaime wins the “most pissed off for really no reason” award of the night by being angry with all three of the remaining tribe members. I believe she was also very drunk. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just very drunk. Maybe I am very drunk right now. Who knows? Its between me and God.

Frosti? asked why in the original Frosty the Snowman it was such a big deal he came to life…but then in Frosty’s Winter Wonderland, it was like snowpeople were coming to life left and right – Crystal, the Parson…what’s the deal with that?

After all voted, THE DEVIL HIMSELF went to tally the votes and all of a sudden we were live and everyone was fatter than before. No fanfare yet again. Where’s the helicopter. Where’s the motorcycle? Where’s the alligator wrestling? You disappoint me, Probst…but I guess I should be used to it by now. You’re just a big disappointment.

And boo for me, because I actually stuck around and watched the reunion show. Only two things of interest really happened there. Erik (??) and Jaime are dating, but have not “sealed the deal” as the kids say…Erik (?????) remains a virgin. Nope, still not interesting.
And the other thing – I am sure you have all heard about the LunchLady fiasco. On the show, she admitted she was demoted to janitor after returning from the show because all the kids were too distracted after her brush with stardom. Upon hearing this, Mark Burnett gave her $50K. Then, it came out a few days ago that she was, in fact, promoted to janitor and is now making more money than she was prior. Just today, I read she gave the money back.

Now, yes, scandal…oooohhh…But shouldn’t we still feel bad for her. She was promoted. To janitor. Let that sink in. Imagine having a job where the next step up is janitor. Wow…its no wonder the pizza sucked at my school. How can you take pride in a job that is a rung below scrubbing third grade toilets. Excuse me…Revere third grade toilets…which just makes it so much worse.

Ah well, its been fun?

Next season is fans against all-stars. God, I hope Boston Rob and Ambah are back. Did I say hope? I meant please kill me.

Until next season

Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE XII: PEIH-GEE OUT…BEE GEES? ALWAYS IN.

Hullo. Oh, nothing’s wrong. Nothing. I swear. OK, well…this time of year always, I don’t know. It always gets me down. I don’t think its strange. A lot of people get depressed around now. I mean, this is the second-to-last Survivor email. Huh? Christmas? Ugh, I didn’t even realize that. Don’t even mention Christmas. The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. OK, maybe not my father. But Pheobe Cates’. OK, maybe not Phoebe Cates, but her character in Gremlins. Bright Light! Right?

At the beginning of last night’s episode, it opened with The LunchLady talking about how she decided to go against Peih-Gee and vote Erik off at tribal council. “Here I could have been in the top three and at least tried to make it to the Jury vote. I kind of decided to play it safe and, you know, this could have been one of the biggest mistakes I have made so far…” she continued, “…wellll, the second-biggest mistake. I guess the first would have been deciding to go with the fish sticks last Friday instead of Sloppy Joes. Sloppy Joes. Slop, Sloppy Joes.” I really wish she would get voted off. I like her and everything, but all this lunchlady-focused humor is wearing a bit thin. Navy beans, navy beans! Hahahaha…never mind.

Peih-Gee, meanwhile, is feeling a bit bad about her position in the game as an outsider. I don’t know…I always thought being an outsider would be pretty cool. It’d be better than being a Soc. Those guys are total squares.

Ah well, at least she gets to open the tree mail. Inside is a bunch of arrows with a note attached about having skill and being popular. Possessing neither, all of our tribe members are left feeling bummed out. Peih-Gee, meanwhile, decided to just go ahead and do it for Johnny. I, meanwhile, am left wondering who would name their kid Ponyboy. Also, what happened to C. Thomas Howell? He looked like he was on the road to super-stardom after Soul Man. I suppose his performance was overshadowed by the double smackdown of acting supremacy handed out by Rae Dawn Chong and one Mr. Ayre Gross. Oh, C. Thomas…don’t take that many tanning pills. Harvard has never seen such lunacy. At least not until Tom Green decided to steal the place. At least I think that’s how it happened. Having a functioning brain stem, I decided to cut my ties with Tom after Freddy Got Fingered.

Now that’s a tangent.

So, the reward challenge involved arrows. Lots and lots of arrows. Everyone had to shoot arrows using some kind of Chinese crossbow (China? Why…ohhhh, ok) at a wall that had their names randomly written on it. Each time an arrow hit a name, that person will score a point regardless of who shoots it. To make things even more WE HATE PEIH-GEE, they had to get arrows by having the other members of the tribe place arrows in thei canister. Peih-Gee, of course, got the least…only 1. Ally McCrud got the most…12. Now, you would think that would result in a win for our bony, frien..er, for our bony…for bony. You would think that. If you were an idiot. Lunchlady won because Ally McDuh kept shooting arrows at her name.

She won private jet transportation to the Great Wall (CHINA!!!!!!!!!), dinner on the Great Wall, and sleeping on the Great Wall. She also got to take two people with her. Being sick of everything being so “great,” she took Todd and Ally McUgh. Get it? Because they suck. Jokes are good.

Peih-Gee was definitely not happy with The Lunchlady’s choice. She was happy, however with Sophie’s Choice, which was a movie starring Meryl Streep. Her students, more however, were unhappy with last Tuesday’s Chef’s Choice, which was chopped ham.

On the plane ride, Todd drew on his extensive stewarding experience to say that they were on a plane. Ally McAwful drew on her extensive being really skinny experience to get sucked into the plane’s ventilation system. I drew on my extensive alcohol experience to drink away my insecurities. Sorry…its just that I get uglier and uglier with every passing day and no one loves me and my right eye is a little smaller than my left. And have you ever seen my feet? Oh, Purple Passion, you’re the only one that understands me.

Back at camp, Amanda Hugandkiss and Peih-Gee found common ground in the fact that they were both left behind as the other three went off to the Great Wall. Also, they are both big crybabies. Also, I have nothing interesting to say about the situation.

At the Great Wall, Todd, the LunchLady, and Ally McTerrible were having trouble figuring out how to eat their meal. They had in front of them some raw meat and a pot with some sort of stew in it to cook the meat. “So, is this like fondue?” Todd asked. “Do we just put it in the pot?” inquired the LunchLady. “What is food?” Ally McBlech, erm, spewed. Then she fell through a crack. Hey, has anyone else noticed that she’s really skinny? I am an observational humorist. What is the deal with skinny chicks? Who are these people?

When they got back to camp, there was some bad feelings rising up. Todd and Ally McStick complained about the food they ate. In addition, the LunchLady told Amanda Hugandkiss that she had tried to bring them back some food, but Todd ate it on the plane. So, basically, Amanda Hugandkiss and Peih-Gee were all, “whatevs.”

The immunity challenge came next and it was a sort of “best of” challenge. They had to throw the Chinese stars, eat the bird fetus, bounce the ball on the drum, and then cut the rope and release the puzzle disks. Remember all those challenges? No? Me either. But, hey, remember all those great super songs of the 70’s? Remember this one? Everybody’s smiling…sunshine day!!!! Now, you can get all the songs you remember in one collection. Buying all these CDs separately would cost you hundreds of dollars, but you can get all these groovy tunes for $39.99. Far out. ??

So, Todd can’t throw Chinese stars, LunchLady can’t eat a bird fetus, Ally McSuck can’t bounce balls, and Peih-Gee can’t, um, puzzle disk. So, that left Amanda Hugandkiss with immunity. She was all, “woo.”

Before tribal, Amanda Hugandkiss was toying with the idea of voting out Todd and starting an alliance with Peih-Gee and The LunchLady, but as pretty as she is, and as blurred as her bottom is, she just aint that bright.

Until next time,
Wayne

A Survivor-pology

Hey everyone,

I do want to apologize for not doing a recap last week. I have no excuse.

I feel shame.

But, the good news is that you get your regular Thursday helping of “what the?” along with an extra special Monday edition following the finale. So, that’s, erm, good? news.

Right. So, please forgive me. Please. The holidays are a time for forgiveness. That’s what the elf who lives in my head says. He also says that death is the only way out and I should continually petition NBC to bring back Manimal. That elf is crazy. Seriously. Please help me.

So, anyways, as a brief catch-up, Erik (?) was voted off. This, of course, won’t really affect my viewing much, since I think he was totally made up and never actually appeared in an episode. I wrote about him, you say? Poppycock.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA: EPISODE X: YOU’RE THE BEST. AROUND. NOTHING’S GONNA EVER KEEP YOU DOWN

Last night’s episode began in a typical way. The survivors were HOLY CRAP THEY ARE STILL AT TRIBAL COUNCIL OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!111

I am pretty sure they wanted that sort of reaction last night, but instead I was more like, “Oh, is Survivor on? Um, awesome?”

Yeah, so the show picked right up where the last episode ended, with THE UNHOLY MASTER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY AND MASTERED telling them they aren’t going anywhere. They are going to participate in a reward challenge. Wow, way to make things super unexciting. Oh my gosh! A reward challenge??!! Right there! Don’t be ridiculous!! I hope it’s a thrill ride of a challenge!!

Nope.

They had to answer questions about the history of China. Like, the easiest questions you could imagine. Look, I have never been to China, but I did better than most had fared last night. You would think, if you were going to another country, you’d have read something about it. What’s the capital of China? Was the abacus invented in China? Do panda bears eat bamboo? My Lord. I fully expected the next question to be “China is: (A) a type of vegetable, (B) a country, (C) a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, (D) a finishing move in Mortal Kombat.”

So, Peih-Gee won. Her prize was a trip on a private jet up into the mountains to visit a Shaolin Temple, eat a meal, and watch Kung Fu. No, not the popular TV show starring David Carradine, but a Kung Fu demonstration. I know, disappointing. But one must overcome disappointment to achieve true inner peace, Grasshopper. Also, Peih-Gee could take two people, so she chose Erik (?) and The LunchLady, who was concerned at the thought of leaving GRAVEDIIGGGEERRR!!!, Todd, Amanda Hugandkiss, and Ally McWorst behind. However, at the mention of food, she just muttered the words, “Imma eat?” and then started drooling and staring off into the distance.

Those four that were left behind started talking as soon as the others left about how it will probably be them left in the final four. GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! continued showing he made it like five pages into the Bible by talking about how much he would like to not eat apples and frolic naked. He then went on to talk about how snakes used to talk in Biblical times and how much he liked the story about when Adam and Eve opened up the Moonlight Detective Agency and had all that sexual tension. He said it fell apart after the teacher from Summer School joined the cast, but he enjoyed how they gave Booger from Revenge of the Nerds a job. Amen.

On the plane ride, Peih-Gee attempted to coax The LunchLady into an alliance with her and Erik (?). Erik, meanwhile, did something, I think.

FROM THE SLUMS OF SHAOLIN, WU-TANG CLAN STRIKES AGAIN. THE RZA. THE GZA, OL’ DIRTY BASTARD, INSPECTAH DECK, RAEKWON THE CHEF, U-GOD, GHOSTFACE KILLAH, AND THE METHOD MAN!!!!

So, they arrived at the Shaolin Temple and The LunchLady started up a conversation with one of the monks about her karate training. “How long have you been studying karate?” asked the monk. “About 8 years, since I was 32,” she answered. “What style do you practice?” he continued. “I practice the hand of the Sloppy Joe Tater Tot,” she proudly exclaimed. To which the monk replied, in slack-jawed amazement, “Ho. Lee. Crud.” and ran away, comically.

Then they were treated to the as-promised Kung Fu demonstration. Then, when it was finished, a bunch of random kids came in and they asked if the LunchLady would do a demonstration of her martial arts, um, prowess? She was doing great until William Zabka showed up and told her that “all he wanted to do was talk” and it was her fault, her fault. Then he broke her radio. Then, Dutch was like, “Looking for a shortcut back to Newark, LunchLady?” Then, Tommy said, “I think she wants to learn Karate, right? RIGHT?” William Zabka then hit her with this one, “well, here’s your first lesson. HOW TO TAKE A FALL!!!” LunchLady was heard last saying that she “hates this bike! This damn bike! I hate this bike. I hate this friggin' bike! Stupid bike.”

Think the monks would like me equating their rich history and culture with a Pat Morita movie? Ah well, at least I didn’t go with Collision Course. Those who have seen it, you know what I’m talking about. Those who haven’t? Your life must be so empty.

Back at camp, the rest of the tribe huddles in a cave to escape the rain. As the three Shaolin’ers return, no one seems all that excited to see them. Everyone except for Amanda Hugandkiss remains in the cave when they gat back to camp. When Peih-Gee comes up to the cave opening and, after being asked, tells them what happened, we are then treated to this wonderful quote from Ally McAwful, “The cave is the best thing I have right now. The cave is my happy place. What I don’t like is when everyone and their damn mother decide they like the cave too. Peih-Gee comes sidling up in there and I'm like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’ And then you want to start talking? No get out of here! No talking in the cave!” Look, Ally McTerrible, you shouldn’t even be there right now. So shut it. You’re also one of my least favorite people in the world.

Erik (?) then went up to GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! and tried to convince him that joining up with him and Peih-Gee would make sense. GRAVEDIGGERR, after spending a considerable amount of time trying to figure out who Erik was, said, “Why would I go from the nice happy five to the evil two? I am not going to eat that apple. They can tempt me as much as they want but I’m not having it.” Again with the apple? He’s getting pretty…wait for it…wait for it…FRUITY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hello? Is this thing on?

Ally McHate and Amanda Hugandkiss then went out to go get the tree mail. They came upon a message with three Chinese throwing stars stuck in it. Look familiar, Scarlett Johansson? Maybe next time, you’ll think twice before not responding to letters. You think that restraining order can stop me? I guess you don’t understand the power of the Ninja.

Also, while at the tree mail, Amanda Hugandkiss approached Ally McPleaseDie with a new plan – Operation: VOTE OUT GRAVEDIGGERRR!! It was actually a pretty solid plan. GRAVEDIGGERR has shown that he is reluctant to play the immunity idol, so if they blindside him, they take him and the two idols out. Makes sense. She’s so smart. And pretty. Oh, Amanda Hugandkiss. Says here she lives in LA. Hmmm, someone’s getting a Chinese throwing star message.

Amanda also referred to GRAVEDIGGERR’s Adam and Eve references : “GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!! keeps saying we shouldn’t eat the apple. Forget the apple, I’m gonna eat the whole pie.” Ally McPunch responded, “what’s pie?” Get it? Man, she be skinny, y’all!!!

So, yeah, the immunity challenge consisted of having to throw Chinese stars at various targets – each worth a different amount of points. Each person gets three tries. The three people with the highest point total move on to a second sudden death round where they get one throw – highest points wins. In the end, Erik (?) won. Who? Exactly.

After the challenge, GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! seemed pretty confident about his tenure on the island. “Mammaflamma bubgub spoofy poop,” he said. Man, he’s just so lovably unintelligible.

Meanwhile, Amanda Hugandkiss approached Todd about her plan to vote out GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!

Amanda : SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! WATCH ME TAKE OUT GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!111 AT TRIBAL COUNCIL
Todd: Hm?
Amanda: WATCH AS HIS FRIENDS BETRAY HIM AND WE GET HIM OFF THE ISLAND!!!111111 GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!1111
Todd: Uh.
Amanda: YOUR TICKET MAY COVER THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!!1111
Todd: gah
Amanda: WATCH AS ROBO-RAPTOR THE DINOSAUR CAR TAKES ON GRAVEEEDIIIIGGGGGERRRRRR!!!!!! ALSO, MEET KNIGHT RIDER’S KITT THE CAR AND THE GENERAL LEE!!!!!!
Todd: Um…this makes no sense
Amanda: KIDS’ SEATS STILL ONLY TEN BUCKS!!!!
Todd: help.

Todd eventually agreed. I know…I couldn’t believe it either. He must really like Monster Trucks.

You know, sometimes, I even lose myself. I’m like, what?

Then, LunchLady got on board, assuring a majority vote. Of course, this was all dependent on GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! not using his immunity idol, which to me seemed quite a gamble. I figured, why wouldn’t he use it? He is probably going to win at least one more challenge and he won’t be able to use it in the final three…so this seemed a good time to use it. Plus, he seemed to be getting a sense of some shenanigans (“Hey Farva…what’s the name of that restaurant you like with all the crap on the walls? Shenanigans? Hahahahahah!), which would just further assure me that he would make that move. Alas, I forgot – he isn’t very bright. Ha…you forgot too, huh? I guess the joke is on us.

In the end, GRAVEDIIGGERRRR!!!! got voted out because of his own stupidity. I know you are all going to miss those jokes. “All Caps?? What a country!!”


Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA: EPISODE IX: DON’T EVEN FRONT LIKE YOU DON’T LIKE POLICE ACADEMY

The episode last night began with the tribe, erm, sleeping. Even the monkey was sleeping. That is, they were sleeping until GRAVEDIGGERRR!! strayed from his usual quiet, mumbling self and woke everyone up with a boisterous “GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING!!! I’VE COME TO SAY GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING TO YOU!!” He so crazy.

Ally McSuck woke up with a big smile on her face, saying it was Christmas because Jerk-Fatgut was gone. She then proceeded to ask if someone would let her call them “Mom” and then tell her that all that ham she’s eating is going to go straight to her hips…to make the experience even more like the Christmases she grew up with. Then she fell in between the planks. Hey, has anyone else noticed – she is really skinny!

So, yeah, everyone was super-happy about Jerk-Fatgut’s departure, right? Wrong. Wrong? Right. Right? No, its wrong, but you were right about being wrong.

…

The Lunchlady was a little perturbed about being left out of the decision to vote for Jerk-Fatgut when she was under the impression that the entire team was voting for Peih-Gee. She said, “this is just like that time all the other lunchladies and I had agreed on serving grilled cheese for Thursday’s lunch. Then, at the last minute, they all decide to serve grilled ham and cheese. It was wicked disheahtening. Navy beans, navy beans.” Yup, poor Lunchlady. Always coming in last. Unless of course it’s a “Who Looks Most Like Early 90’s Billy Ray Cyrus” contest. I assume she’d tear that up.

GRAVEDIGGGAHHH!!, meanwhile, was cooking fish and getting increasingly annoyed with Peih-Gee, who was hovering over him like she was my parole officer. It’s like, dude, I can’t go if you’re watching! Am I right? Hm? Huh? So yeah, Peih-Gee was telling GRAVEDIGGERR how to cook the fish right. She apologized for “micromanaging” him, to which GRAVEDIGGERRRRRR!!!!! said, “Micro-manage? Is that like micro machines? Remember that guy? He talked really fast in those commercials.” Yeah, I have just started making up what GRAVEDIGGER says because I really just cannot understand him. Todd was also unhappy with how Peih-Gee was acting. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy scouring ebay for micro machines, so I didn’t really hear what he said.

I did, though, hear Todd commenting on Ally McAwful and Frosti? cuddling up with each other. He is worried about the chance that possibly Ally McSuck would turn on her alliance to get some snowman snuggling. They both do have a lot in common. They both like to talk in these annoying high falsettos. They both have the body of an 8 year-old boy. It’s a match made in my worst nightmares.

As the tribe members met for the reward challenge, BEELZEBUB explained what they were to do. They would split up into two teams and try to bounce these balls on these drums and pass them to one another as they navigate through a series of obstacles. They have to get three balls from the start to the “finishing bin” without dropping them. They were playing for a boat ride down a river and eating food on a boat ride down a river. The teams were the red team (GRAVEDIGERR, Lunchlady, Peih-Gee, and Todd) versus the yellow team (Ally McSuck, Erik (??), Amanda Hugandkiss, and Frosti?) The yellow team won mainly because GRAVEDIGGERR doesn’t know his own strength and everytime the ball came to his drum, he would knock it out of the park. Here, I had a choice of two references. I could either have gone with talking about the scene in Bachelor Party where Tom Hanks is playing tennis with his soon-to-be father-in-law and keeps hitting the balls out of the court or I could have compared GRAVEDIGGERR to the Lenny character in Of Mice and Men. Yeah, you know…that movie with John Malkovich and Gary Sinise about the one guy and his slow friend during the Depression. Hm? It was a book? You’re lying. Seriously? No way! Sorry, I never read it. Nerd. I was way too busy going to parties and being popular in high school. Like this one rager I went to, I ate like a whole bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos and I became a Level 9 Elf with maximum charisma points. Best night of my life? You can bet your 12-sided die on it!

After they returned, defeated, to camp, Peih-Gee let out her frustrations on a balding GRAVEDIGGERR!!! She basically blamed him for losing the challenge. He fired back, calling her a “loser” and telling her to “shut up.” Then he advised her not to “mess with [him] because everytime [she brings] something up, [GRAVEDIGGERRR!!!!] will quickly blast [her] back and make [her] look quite silly. ” Yeah, those were some well thought-out barbs he was throwing out there. Really, her only defense would have been the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” retort, which she failed to come up with due to GRAVEDIGGERR’s Jedi Mind Trickery.

Aboard the boat, Erik (?), Amanda Hugandkiss, Ally McSuck, and Frosti? talked some serious smack about Peih-Gee. It went like this:

Amanda: Peih-Gee is awful.
Ally McSuck: Yeah, she’s like really like bad like about like being like good
Frosti?: Happy Birthday!!
Erik (?): You know…she’s not bad when she’s just chilling out.
Amanda: Who said that?
Ally McBad: I don’t know…but is it someone else we can vote out?
Erik (?): Oops…I mean “…”
Frosti? : You can make jokes about me that don’t revolve around being a snowman. Did you know that Wendy’s has drinks called Frostys?

Then, we got a nice close-up of Frosti? running his hands all over the spine back of Ally McSuck. I fully expected some sort of a xylophone sound to come out. He also thinks she is “way out of his league.” The heat is really getting to Frosti? “Whew! Stay in here much longer and I'll really make a splash in the world,” he exclaimed.

Also, Amanda has like this permanent blur on her butt. What is showing there? I am super curious. Maybe she has an Adidas logo on there or something?

Then, Erik (?) actually sort of did something. He started doing impressions. But, in true Erik fashion, they weren’t really interesting impressions…he did his best impersonation of a goat. Amanda Hugandkiss said it was the best impression she’s ever seen. Uh, Amanda…MICHAEL WINSLOW!!HELLO!! Have you even heard him do an impression of a helicopter? Police Academy 1-4 wouldn’t have been half the movies they were without him. Police Academy 5 still would have rocked though. Mostly cuz of House. Man, fat guys are high-larious. He sat on a bench AND IT BROKE!!!!

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. It consisted of LUCIFER calling out Chinese zodiac symbols in a specific order and the players had to pick them in the order called. It was sort of like that game Simon. I much preferred Perfection…or Trouble. POP-O-MATIC BUBBLE!!!

Now, in true LORD OF HELLFIRE fashion, THE PROBST went ahead and unveiled a true temptation. The contestants could, instead of participating for a chance at immunity, chow down on some cheeseburgers, French fries, and cold drinks for the duration of the challenge. GRAVEDIGGERR!!, Todd, Ally McSuck, and The Lunchlady (shocker!!) chose the food, while Peih-Gee, Erik (?), Frosti?, and Amanda (why? I don’t really know) chose to try for immunity. The challenge was as exciting as you would expect watching people play Simon would be.

In the end, it came down to Frosti? and Peih-Gee. Peih-Gee emerged victorious, thus leaving the tribe members confused as to who they should vote out. On one hand, everyone loves Frosti?...I mean, he’s a snowman…On the other hand, who is Erik?

At tribal council, it really seemed like it could go either way. Also, everyone was talking about how many cheeseburgers they ate. Todd said he scarfed down 3, I think. GRAVEDIGGERR said 7. Ally McSuck was like, “Oh my god…I ate like 2 and a half French fries. I’m such a cow. BARRRFFFF!!”

However, Frosti?’s loveability and “frozen water-ness” was not enough and the tribe voted him out. But don’t worry kids…as he was leaving, I heard him exclaim, “I’ll be back on Christmas Day!!”

HE’LL BE BACK…ON CHRISTMAS DAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!1111


Until next time,Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA: EPISODE VIII: DO YOU HAVE ANY IMMUNITY IDOLS? GO FISH..ERM, POKER. SO GOOD AT POKER.

Last night’s show began with everyone discussing the happenings at the last tribal council. Jerk-Fatgut was especially jolly about not being voted off. I say jolly because he’s fat, you know. Fat people get to be jolly. The non-overweight get to only be glad or happy and on those rare occasions, ecstatic. I, with my rippling abs and well-tuned glutes, rarely get to be more than just “sexy” or “jaw-droppingly God-like.” People rarely look beyond my physical attributes. I’m not complaining, really. I just wanted everyone to know.

After Jerk-Fatgut was done exercising his jowls, GRAVEDIIGGERRRRRRR asked him to move so that Erik (??) could get in bed. He tried and tried again to prove that there was no such person, but GRAVEDIGGERR insisted. Then he asked Jerk-Fatgut if he wanted a hug so he would feel better about being voted out. At least that was what the subtitles said. I could have sworn he was talking about Edie McClurg, of Ferris Bueller and Small Wonder fame. “What’chu want, Edie McClurg?” I swear that’s what he said. It would have made sense. I always thought Jerk-Fatgut bore a striking resemblance to Ed Rooney’s secretary. GRAVEDIGGERR!!, you just sounded like Dirty Harry right then.

The next day, the cameraman fell in love with GRAVEDIGGERR’s butt and decided to focus on it for a good five minutes. So that happened.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEDIGGER then caught some fish. While he was catching the fish, his voice played over the “action”: “We have a good group together…We got the lunchlady. We got a gravedigger….” Hm, that sounds really familiar. Then he talked about the whole thing reminded him of this old episode of Punky Brewster. Bastard.

Next up was the reward challenge. THE KEEPER OF THE DAMNED explained that the tribe would split into two teams. One member of each team will sit in a tribe boat while the opposing team will attempt to sink them using buckets of water. The person in the boat must use their hands to bail out the water to stay afloat. The first team to sink the other team’s boat two times wins. Now, the teams were made up of four people, so that meant someone would be left out. Each team went ahead and picked through the lineup, leaving poor old Lunchlady last, because they needed someone “light.” Wow. Being picked last isn’t bad enough. Hey, we aren’t picking you because you’re a tub of goo. Oh well, at least you get the last laugh, eh? They may be more svelt, but you’re, well…oh right, you’re a lunchlady. Damn, life really sucks for you.

Well, at least she could take solace in the fact that Ally McTerrible’s awfulness at everything outweighed her awfulness at weighing more than an infant. Her team lost and left Jerk-Fatgut, GRAVEDIGGERRR, Amanda, and Todd free to go claim their reward – a visit to a 1000 year-old Chinese village (they’re in China?) where they will enjoy yet another Chinese meal (CHINAAA!!!).

Walking into the village, GRAVEDIGGERR was like, “Hamma Blamma, Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah.” Jet Screamer Screamer Screamer. You’re a dreamer dreamer dreamer.

As they sat down to dinner, Jerk-Fatgut opened the tube, which laid out the last and final clue regarding the hidden immunity idol. And he’s shocked. That there is a hidden immunity idol. On Survivor. Even though he has seen people being handed these tubes. And there were hidden idols last season. He must be awesome at poker. “I am,” explained Jerk-Fatgut, “Everytime I play my mom, I end up with the biggest pile of pretzels. The night before I came here, I beat her 4 kings with a 2, a Jack, a 7, the “how to play” card, and a Bo Jackson rookie card with a mustache drawn on it.” He also remained perplexed as to how he responded to an insult I made in my newsletter IN THE FUTURE.

Everyone around the table, of course, already knows there is an immunity idol - GRAVEDIGGERR actually has both of them. It was like that episode of Inspector Gadget. You know the one. Where he solved the crime at the end and explained it to Penny and Brain, not knowing that they had already solved it. Remember that episode? It was the one where he said “Go-go gadget..” something or other and Dr. Claw was petting his cat and he said, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!! Next Time!” Man, that was a good episode. Hey, remember how Matthew Broderick ruined a lot of things you liked as a kid? Remember Godzilla?

Back at the camp, The Lunchlady was kind of upset about being picked last. ““I’m big. I’m fat. I'm always the last one picked. It’s been like that my whole life and here it is again.” She continued, “Even at last year’s Lunchlady Games, I was always picked last. For the Sloppy Joe toss. For the Tater Tot toss. Even for the fish stick toss. Yeah, we lunchladies aren’t a real creative bunch. But man, we do smell bad. And I got a bad case of the gout.”

That night, after returning from the reward, Jerk-Fatgut tries to find the hidden immunity idol. He actually does sort of figure out the clue and goes searching for the idols above the tribe gates and pulls down a couple plaques, hoping one of them is the idol. It surprised me no one woke up during all of this. You would think Fatgut stomping around camp would make some noise. Thank God there aren’t any Yetis in that area. Those folks’d be in trouble. I AM THE YETI!!!

Todd, meanwhile, is getting annoyed with everyone at camp, “These people are driving me insane. I hate hearing Jerk-Fatgut’s voice. I hate hearing GRAVEDIGGERR complain how he is so hungry,” Todd complained, “I hate cursive and I hate all of you!!! I’M NEVER COMING BACK HERE!! NEVER!!” He also hates how GRAVEDIGGERR has both the immunity idols that he found and he decided to go to Amanda Hugandkiss to do something about it. He suggests blindsiding GRAVEDIGGERR at the next tribal council. Amanda Hugandkiss, being sensible and Amazon-ish, suggests waiting on that, but Todd is determined for the next couple of minutes and gets Frosti? on board, for the next couple of minutes.

Next up was the immunity challenge. The tribe members have to try and balance on a large barrel-dragon thing (CHINESE THINGS!!) filled with water. After they pull a lever, the water begins to drain and it gets harder and harder to remain on the barrel. When you fall off, you are out of the challenge. The last person remaining wins immunity.

Weighing less than Dakota Fanning and therefore having less of a chance of toppling, Ally McDisgusting wins. Yay you. Finally, your physique proves it can do more than just FREAK ME THE HELL OUT. Seriously, she is really grossing me out. Hey, she makes Mary-Kate Olsen look like Dave Coulier. Ha. He’s tubby. Cut. It. Out.

Back at camp, Jerk-Fatgut is out swimming with Erik (?). He proceeds to talk about how he has the hidden immunity idol and all should join him. “Now that I have it, I am pretty much guaranteed to be in the top five.” Correcting him, Erik (?) says, “Nuh-uh. GRAVEDIGGERR has both man,” to which JF jumps back with a start and says, “oh, I didn’t see you there because I have never seen you before and I didn’t even know you existed because you have never done anything of consequence.” I swear.

After hearing that GRAVEDIGGERR has the hidden idols, Jerk-Fatgut approaches him, “Now I’m not going to ask you, I’m telling you that I know and I am leaving it up to you to decide. You want to work with me or are we going out on our own? Best course to the end is to be with me not against me.” Yes, best course to the end. Of being on the show. See what I did there? Score” Wayne: 1,000,000…Jerk-Fatgut: -23.

After realizing his threats went unheard, Jerk-Fatgut approaches Todd with a plan to vote out GRAVEDIGGERR. Now, instead of remembering what he said five minutes ago about wanting to vote out GRAVEDIGGERR, “T-ADD” instead tells Amanda Hugandkiss of JF’s plan and decides to now vote off Jerk-Fatgut. Amanda Hugandkiss then reminds him of the original plan of voting out Peih-Gee. T-ADD responds, “Oh, I know but…look, a bird is flying over that…oh my God, I just remembered where I left my jacket. It’s on the…Hey, remember that show White Shadow? It was about…I really hope we can fix the environment.” Hey T-ADD. I feel your pain.

In the end, Jerk-Fatgut’s doughyness did not prevail and he was voted out at council. It was a close vote. Plus, Lunchlady was left voting for Peih-Gee all by herself. I fully expect Lunchlady to fall voluntarily on her ladle after returning to the mainland due to a severe case of depression.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA: EPISODE VII: ‘CUZ TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT WHEN 2 BECOME 1

Lookie, Lookie – a Friday morning Survivor recap. I know what you’re thinking – “Yeah, and? He’s supposed to deliver them on Friday mornings.” Know what I’m thinking? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with “shut” and ends with “up.” I’ll give you a minute with that one.

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Last night’s episode started off over at the Fei Long camp, where Jerk-Fatgut was all upset over Ally McWorst’s not-so-kind words to him at the last tribal council. If you’ll remember, she was all, “Jerk-Fatgut is really crappy.” If you’ll also remember, I thought Jerk-Fatgut got kind of a raw deal. If you’ll additionally remember, this weekend we turn the clocks back. That stuff’s important, man.

But, yeah, JF got kind of crapped on. I mean, he’s a jerk and he has a fat gut, but crappy? That’s some coldness right there. That’s like John Bender cold, man. “I like those earrings, Claire…Are those real diamonds, Claire?...I bet they are. Did you work for the money to buy those earrings…Or did your Daddy buy those for you?... I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner f@#!*#@! year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?” Man, Judd Nelson. One of the finest actors of our generation. Remember when he was on that show Suddenly Susan? Yeah, you remember…it was on Thursday nights with Friends and Seinfeld. It was about that woman who, um, worked somewhere with a bunch of crazy people and had fun things happen. Nope…that was Caroline in the City. Nope, wrong again…Veronica’s Closet. Uh-uh…Dude, that was The Single Guy.

Also, Todd went ahead and commended Jerk-Fatgut on his growth as a player, which totally drew more ire from Skinny McSkinny. I don’t know if you all know this, but she hates Jerk-Fatgut. I don’t really understand it. So many classic comic pairings have consisted of a fat person and a skinny person. Laurel and Hardy. Abbot and Costello. Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Oprah and Steadman. Also, Ally McCRAP said, “I dislike everyone else more than I dislike Todd and Amanda. I think they mistake that for friendship.” I mean, honestly, I can’t believe this skinny, bitchy girl who thinks she is better than everyone else and likes no one lives in New York. I mean, talk about going against the grain.

The next morning, it continued with Ally McCrap being really pissy with Amanda and Todd about how Jerk-Fatgut treats her and how they don’t stand up for her. Am I blacking out during these moments when JF is mistreating Ally McCrap? I mean, its totally possible, with all the ether I’m huffing. But, I just don’t see any of this. I did love the part where the polka-dotted hippo did the Running Man. Mmmmm, ether.

Back over at Zhan Hu (remember them? No? Me neither. I had to look them up), GRAVEDIGGGERRRR!!! makes his move for the hidden immunity idol while the others are off sucking at everything. After prying the first plaque off, he realizes it’s the wrong one and tosses it aside. He then grabs the right one and stuffs it in his bag. Erik (??) then comes back to camp, hurting GRAVEDIGGAHH’s chances of putting the other plaque back up so as to remain unnoticed. Erik, however, continued to remain unnoticed with ease.

Later in the episode, it does in fact get noticed by Jaime and Erik (??...ohhhh, the guy I was talking about in the last paragraph. That’s his name?)

Jaime: Look at that spot there. There used to be something there, right?
Erik: …
(Erik picks up the plaque)
Jaime: Do you think that’s the hidden immunity idol? It looks idol-ish.
Erik: …
Jaime: I mean, that could be Chinese for “immunity idol, maybe, no?”
Erik: …
Jaime: Who the hell are you?
Erik: … (crying)

Later, under the cover of night, while GRAVEDIGGERRR and Peih-Gee are off – what were they doing? Frog hunting? Whatever – Jaime decides to look through GRAVEDIGGERRR’s bag. She finds that his pants are wrapped around not one, but two square plaque-ish things like hers…(yay, SMART!!) although she never really unwraps them totally, so she doesn’t know whether hers looks exactly like what GRAVEDIGGER has or not (boo, STUPID!!) so she just assumes what she has is an immunity idol without actually looking at what is wrapped up in GRAVEDIGGERR’s pants. I can understand. I almost did the same thing this morning. There was this lump under a blanket, just sitting there at my house. It was rounded and about the right size, so I of course assumed it was a cooked turkey. I went ahead and got a knife and fork and was ready to dig in. It’s a good thing my wife was there with her shrieks of “That’s not a delicious cooked turkey!! That’s your son!!” or things could have gotten ugly. The moral of this story? Don’t huff ether.

The next morning, GRAVEDIGGERR notices the missing “fake idol” and realizes that one of them probably took it and thinks it’s the real idol. Excitedly, he says to the camera, “Hammma Blamma!! Harsbitty Darsbitty!! Shrimp Etouffee!! Bloof Blang Darf!!!” He is the assistant coach from The Waterboy, no? Gaaaaaaatorade! No subtitles, here, CBS, eh? Good move.

Next, as the teams met for the reward challenge, they are surprised to learn that HOLY FRICK!!! MERGE!! Everyone hugs afterwards. Oh, we all love each other. And smell. In order to celebrate, LUCIFER THE DARK tells them they will all be enjoying a feast and some down home Chinese culture. But, warns THE FALLEN ANGEL (well, she stepped off the bus, out in to the city streets…) “This game never stops. Keep that in mind as you enjoy the day’s festivities.” Then he issued a sinister “muahahahahaha!” and drank the blood of a virgin. Erik was all, “hey! I need that blood!” Everyone was like, “who the hell are you?” Then we all laughed. Naw. Actually, THE PROBST did say that, but no one heeded the warning. Because they are stupid.

The feast started off with a bang! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, because they lit off some fireworks. Now that you know that, read that first sentence again. I know. Hilarious!

Anyways, at the beginning of the feast Ally McHorrible said, “Boo challenges! Yay, feast!” She then added, “I mean, booooo feast!! Yay, rib cage!!” So, yes, they ate and enjoyed Chinese sights like acrobats, dragons, and overpopulation. Wha?

After the feast, the newly formed tribe returns to the Fei Long camp and are faced with the task of coming up with a name:

Jerk-Fatgut: Well, we should use black in the name…although that wouldn’t work once GRAVEDIGGERR leaves. He is black. LOLZZ!!
GRAVEDIGGERRR: Aw man.
Jaime: ROFL!!
Erik: …
Frosti? : That’s nothing. They put me on the yellow tribe. Me and Peih-Gee. That’s all kinds of crazy!!
Peih-Gee: We are Asian.
Don Imus: Racial humor!!!! LMAO!!!
Chris Rock: White people can’t dance!!!
America: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!11111////
Chris Rock: Women be shoppin, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Most of that actually did sort of really happen. Just so you know.

The name they did end up settling on was Hae Da Fung which, contrary to popular belief is not a spicy chicken dish, but instead stands for “Black Fighting Wind.” I think they should have went the spicy chicken dish route. KUNG PAO!!

All of a sudden, THE DEVIL shows up. The camp is a-flutter. “oooh, Jeff is here…Hey everyone, did you see – Jeff is here...SOMEBODY’S GETTING MARRIED!!!! SOMEBODY SOMEBODY SOMEBODY SOMEBODY!!!!” LUCIFER, of course, is miffed at the lackluster greeting and absence of sacrifice.

He unveils the immunity challenge and informs them that the challenge will be HERE…AT YOUR OWN CAMP…OH. MY. GOD. He also gave them a nice ”Idiots…” smirk when they told him their new tribe name.

The challenge would consist of the tribe members being quizzed on their memory of what happened at the feast. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING OH WAIT YES I DID.

Anyways, Frosti? won because he knew the dancers were barefooted. He, however, did not know what a traffic light was. What?

TRAFFIC COP: What's the matter? Didn't you see that traffic light?
FROSTI? : What’s a traffic light?
TRAFFIC COP: over there, on the lamppost.
FROSTI?: What’s a lamppost?
TRAFFIC COP: Oh, a wise guy, eh? You want a ticket, wise guy?
FROSTI?: Yes, please, to the North Pole.

Get it now? No, you’re a stretch.

After the challenge, GRAVEDIGGERR got both Todd and Amanda alone and told them all about Jaime having the fake immunity idol…ahem, sorry. He actually said that she has a “fake immunization thing.” I would think that should worry everyone because, you know…she could have malaria or whooping cough.

They plan to vote out Jaime. However, Amanda tells GRAVEDIGGER!!! she is worried about Ally McBadreallybad’s allegiance due to her erratic voting and hatred of Jerk-Fatgut. And this, then brought on the LINE OF THE NIGHT by, who else, GRAVEDIGGERR, “That skinny b#@!h jumps on every swinging D#!k…(pause)…and Harry.” I am going to just let you bask in that one.

Jerk-Fatgut, meanwhile, aligns with Todd and Amanda to go to the final three…hm? Also, he issues a threat, ““If somehow you do end up screwing me over in this game, I am going to hold you responsible and you will never ever see a juror lobby so hard against somebody. You will not win.” This did not scare our little Mormon flight attendant. So, JF grabbed his gut and jiggled…JIGGLED LIKE HE’S NEVER JIGGLED BEFORE!!! Todd, understandably, was petrified and therefore agreed. Or did he? Or he did? Did or he?

Knowing she is probably next on the chopping block due to her “relationship” with Erik (??) – “hey, both of our names are spelled wrong…we have so much in common” – Jaime starts a mad scramble to get votes on her side. First, she attempts to ensure Frosti?’s allegiance by telling him she has the hidden immunity idol. Then, she tries to sway Todd by telling him she will tell him who has the hidden idols if he saves her. Todd then says she is on the small bike peddling fast….or something. ETHER!!

GRAVEDIGGERR!! also thinks Jerk-Fatgut is dumb because he is insistent on voting off Peih-Gee. Imagine being called dumb by GRAVEDIGGERR!!! Man, that’s rough.

At tribal council, Jerk-Fatgut mentions that he thinks Ally McAwful will make it to the end because she isn’t much of a threat, which for some reason angers Ally. She is just a really angry person. I suppose always worrying about your spine poking through your back will do that to someone.

Then, the moment we were all waiting for – Jaime plays the hidden immunity idol. After all the votes were read, she pulls it out. SATAN then explains the rules of the hidden immunity idol…a lengthy explanation ended with, “if someone chooses to play the hidden immunity idol. And this is not the hidden immunity idol.” Then he chucked it into the fire. Man, he is an ass.

And Jaime did end up receiving most of the votes and she goes home, taking with her any hope of Erik ever becoming interesting.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE VI: LET’S EAT SOME BABIES!!!

So so sorry for the second late newsletter in a row. But, good news….the Sox won it which means, I guess, something good for them. But, more importantly, it means no more late newsletters. Unless, of course, one of you crosses me. Then I cannot be responsible for my actions. I am vindictive.

The episode began with the Zhan Hu talking about how pulling a Thunderlips (movie references = GOLD!@!!) the night before and throwing the challenge was such a good move because they got rid of Aaron, who was a strong player. They are considering throwing the next challenge as well as that would help them get rid of GRAVEDIGGER. GRAVEDIGGGERR, however, disagreed…I think. “If they throw another challenge Ima habbitday dabbitday,” he claimed. Clubber Lang, meanwhile, predicted “PAIN!” Erik had no comment.

At Fei Long, Todd tells Amanda (hugandkiss) that he has some clues to the hidden immunity idol. They come up with a plan to bring over either Aaron or GRAVEDIGGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! if they win the reward challenge so that they can get to the next immunity idol clue. Todd is also the name of the fox in Fox and the Hound, which I watched last night. And no, I didn’t cry when Todd saved Copper from the bear. I didn’t. Look, I just had something in my eye. Fine. FINE. You know what. I cried. And I don’t care what you think. Maybe you need to melt the ice that surrounds that thing you call a heart. You’re as cold as ice. You’re willing to sacrifice. Our love.

???

The reward challenge came next. Each team had to gather these planks in an abandoned Chinese village (CHINA!!) and then gather them and put them in a puzzle, which should reveal a famous phrase said by Confucius (CHINESE THINGS!!) Also, PUZZLE BOARDS!!! Fei Long ended up winning, by being the first to put together the phrase, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” which I suppose is a good Confucius-ism. I personally prefer the one about going to bed with an itchy bum, but that’s because I am deep. And profound. And deeply profound. They also kidnapped GRAVEDIGGERRR!!!!11 – putting the first piece of Todd’s plan in place.

Also, in the middle of the challenge, Peih-Gee let Sherea know that she threw the last challenge for Sherea’s and Frosti?’s benefit. Sherea, however, made no notice of it and instead focused on untying the knot holding her plank in place. It reminded me of this time I kept trying to get the attention of this girl I liked in high school. “I really like you,” I would say. Nothing. “Do you like me?” Still nothing. “I want to spend each day of the rest of my life making you happy…what do you say to that?” And, nothing. She just stayed focused on trying to untie the knot that kept her attached to the water heater in my basement. Some chicks are so stuck-up. And strong. I still can’t believe she almost got to the front door. I just love being in love. Don’t you?

And what did Fei Long win? They got to go to a Chinese tea house where they gained access to a shower, bath soaps, towels and a real, working toilet. Jerk-Fatgut seemed really excited about the toilet. The toilet, meanwhile, was less than thrilled. THE PRINCE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS also announced they got access to some Charmin toilet paper, which he said was “extra strong.” Mr. Whipple then paid him a million dollars. Probst likes money. They also got to drink tea (CHINAAAAAAA) and eat snacks.

At the tea house, there were these tubs where they could all take a nice soak…in front of everyone. Amanda and Ally McCrap jumped in the tub together, to which Jerk Fatgut said, “that would be the best tub to jump in.” That made Courtney a little skeeved out…”he’s just a horrible person,” she said. “Also, I have just a horrible body. Like, seriously, I look like a little boy. I mean, there is skinny and then there is jus’ plain nasty. And I am that. Nasty and little boy-ish.” Yeah, I am pretty sure she said that.

GRAVEDIGGERR, meanwhile took a shower naked in front of everyone. Amanda liked his butt. Sherea thought to herself (yes, I can read minds. CRISS ANGELLL!!) “this is just like that time Dave got naked. Minus the nightmares and chunk blowing.”

With everyone distracted by nakedness and snacks, Todd pulled GRAVEEDIGGAHH! aside and told him he could save him if he gave him the immunity idol clue he got when he was kidnapped. GRAVEDIGGERR!!! responded, “Hammma Vamma bee”.

After getting the clue, Todd figures it out. “its those stupid bats above the thing.” Todd then goes over, in front of everyone, and gets Amanda to help him pull this thing down. Frosti? sees they need help, climbs up, and pulls it down. Amanda and Todd are so upset about this. When Frosti? comes over to Todd, Todd says, “If I can’t trust you right now, I will kill you.” Hey Todd, relax man. You were the one who did it in front of everyone, including the snowman. Did you think he wouldn’t be helpful? He’s frikkin’ Frosti. He brought Karen into the greenhouse despite the high probability of melting.

Todd’s plan was to basically tell GRAVVEDIGGERR to make sure Zhan Hu loses the immunity challenge, then at the tribal council, when everyone votes for him, bring out the idol and break up the Jaime/Erik duo of crap. That was a good plan, actually. Although, he then went ahead and told both Ally McHATE and The Lunchlady about the “secret” idol. This is seriously the worst kept secret since the one about my ability to make supermodels melt at the sight of my pectorals and/or bulging biceps. I tried my best, ladies, but you knew it was going to get out sooner or later. You can only keep such a sexy secret to yourself for so long. It’s my cross to bear.

The immunity challenge was an EATING CHALLENGE WOOHOO!!!11 You know the drill…tribe members face off against one another and eat disgusting things while Joe Rogan continues to be talentless. Oops…sorry wrong show. I meant to say while THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD remains talent, um, full. Full of talent (Sorry…I sort of owe him for the beautiful wife and kids…you knew there had to be an explanation, right?) Anyways…yeah, they had to eat gross things and not throw up. Sort of like the last time I ate at Applebee’s. Except for the “not throwing up” part…because, otherwise, how will they ever learn? Eatin’ good in the neighborhood? More like ‘eatin’ bad in the neighbor, um, had.” Rhyming?

Now, both Todd and GRAVEDIGGERR look less than thrilled at this challenge since it’s a little harder to throw. Fei Long started off strong as Frosti? threw down the chicken hearts before him. CHICKEN HEART!!! However, Zhan Hu comes back strong as Jaime beat Ally McSkinny at eating eels. I mean, is that even fair? Eating anything seems pretty challenging for ol’ Courtney. So, with the score tied, Erik and Amanda were up next. And what did they have to eat? Baby turtles. Yeah. Baby. Turtles. Being a soulless vessel devoid of feeling and emotion, Erik won. Fei Long: 1. Zhan Hu: 2. GRAVEDIGGERR! and The Lunchlady were up next…BIRD FETI. Yep…unborn baby birds. GRAVEDIGGERRR does his best to throw the challenge, but The Lunchlady could not get these things down. Which is surprising. One look at The Lunchlady would really make me think she doesn’t have a problem getting much down…you know, besides her cholesterol level. In the end, GRAVEDIGGER had to eat the bird and win the challenge. Next up was Frosti? and Erik. They had to eat a “thousand year-old egg.” Hm. Erik won, of course. Please see above (“devoid of feeling and emotion”)

So, yeah, Zhan Hu won…totally destroying the plan. What to do…what to do.

Well, now, Fei Long is forced to vote off someone. Sherea is the immediate target for Todd, Amanda, and The Lunchlady. However, Ally McSelfish really wants to turn the crosshairs on Jerk-Fatgut. Talking to the group she brings this up:

Ally McInspiresHate: “Maybe we should vote Jerk-Fatgut off”
Todd: “Well, if we vote off Sherea though, that would mean we have one less original Zhan Hu member.”
Ally McWanttokill: “Yeah, but he hates ME. Do you know what I mean?”
Amanda: “Right, but this would probably work out better for all of us”
Ally McWorstoftheworst: “But, thinking about it, I think he would vote ME off if given the chance. Do you know what I mean?”
Lunchlady: “But, it would make more sense if we kept our team intact. Also, me and Sloppy Joe got married.”
Ally Mcugh: “ME I MYSELF ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. Do you know what I mean?”
Todd: “Um”
Amanda: “Err”
Lunchlady: “We got six kids and we’re doin just fine.”
Ally Mc, um…: “I am gross. Do you know what I mean?”

At tribal council, it wasn’t clear which way the tribe was voting. Sherea wins the ‘most deserving of a punch’ award for the night. Jerk-Fatgut answered a simple question from THE PROBST, saying he felt like a changed person. Sherea jumped in and ran her mouth to say that he was essentially “running his mouth.” Honestly, Jerk-Fatgut sort of took a lot of undue heat at the council. Sherea ended her rant by saying, “no one likes you.” Jerk-Fatgut said maybe that was because he was a “bad boy.” Ally McClownshoes laughed at this and asked, “how are you a bad boy? Do you have a harley? Are you, like, Luke Perry?” Courtney, I guess, thinks bad boys went away after the 90’s. She needs to update her definition. Like today, instead of throwing my gum in the trash, I swallowed it. I live on the edge. I am as bad as they come. Also, she said she felt on the outside in this tribe – which sort of angered Todd and Amanda. Courtney is really good at this game. Did I say ‘good’? I meant really and completely terrible.

In the end, despite Sherea vowing to “blow up that big bubble [Jerk-Fatgut] calls a mouth,” she got voted off. I was pretty happy about it, especially after hearing her final words in which she says, “The fact that the Fei Long people decided to stick together because of numbers, you know, it just says that they’re getting played. They’ll realize it later and I hope half of them get screwed since some of them screwed me. They knew they couldn’t beat me in the challenges. I was the strong one. They were the weak ones. So of course they’re going to take out the threat." Delusional much?

So, that means we say goodbye to both Jeff Brown and Melissa Yee. Well, this isn’t really goodbye, you two. I’m sure we’ll see each other around. But…if you see me walkin by…and the tears are in my eyes. Look away. Look away.

Until next time,Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE V: EXACTLY LIKE THE BIBLE

Last night’s week’s episode made my Thursday night Monday afternoon one that I will never forget try to repress. The episode contained so many scintillating conversations nonsensical rants, electrifying personalities persons with nothing at all to contribute to society, and thrilling twists boring and desperate attempts to make the show interesting. I can’t wait to provide you with a revealing, witty, and coherent recap of the events that unfolded solid example of the failings of our educational system.

The show began with Zhan Hu being all bummed out about their poor performance at challenges. Frosti? lamented, “They have a strong leader in Aaron, a strong player in GRAVEDIGGGGERRRRRRRRRRR!!, and some intelligent people, so they’re a hard team to beat….plus, if someone were to take this magic hat off my head, I would cease to even be alive anymore. That’s a real disadvantage. Happy Birthday!!” Sherea, meanwhile, feels like she isn’t part of the group. Turns out that being lazy and not wanting to do anything is an Unattractive quality. I mean, they’d actually prefer the company of Erik over you, Sherea, and most of them don’t even know who that is…

…most of them. Jaime, however, I guess, digs guys who blend into the scenery because she seems sort of into Erik. Turns out Erik and her have a lot in common. In talking with each other over a swim, they each found out they both had MIDDLE NAMES! I mean, what are the chances? Also, Erik compared their situation to the Garden of Eden. “Its biblical in the sense that there is man and woman and we like hanging out.” Something tells me Erik read the “illustrated version of the Bible.” Well, actually he probably just read old Brenda Starr comic strips and just thought it was the Bible. But yeah, its pretty similar. Remember when Adam and Eve had to mud wrestle? Genesis was awesome. No, not the book. The ones who sang “Land of Confusion.” Remember music?

Oh, also, Erik is a virgin. And guess what? He’s still not interesting.

You know what is interesting? Every word that comes out of GRAVEDIGGAHHH’s mouth. Working together with The Lunchlady, he says, “"Denise really does bust her ass out here. She’s a strong, good woman. She is there to complement you and work with you. That’s attractive.” Then he went on to say, “If she was younger or I was older, she’d be in trouble.” Just read over those last couple sentences again. I’ll wait. OK, once more. Go ahead. Yeah, attractive. I suppose after spending so much time with dead bodies, Lunchlady would probably be a little…nope, nope. Maybe if she lost a couple…nah. Man, GRAVEDIGGERR is messed up. Lunchlady responded, “I like eat food. Sloppy Joe.”

This was all followed by each tribe receiving a piece of parchment on which it said for each tribe to select two members from the other tribe they would like to come over and join them. Fei Long decides on Frosti? and Sherea, whom they understand to be Zhan Hu’s two strongest members…which is just really sad. Zhan Hu, meanwhile, takes it to mean that they will get two members of Fei Long, while Fei Long will get nothing. They don’t even consider that maybe, possibly, Fei Long will also get to pick two tribe members. Erik was like, “This is just like that Bible story where Charlie Brown got to take care of Snoopy’s brother, Spike. God was so wise in those days…but Lucy was really mean.”

Zhan Hu picked Aaron and GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!!

When Sherea and Frosti? find out they have to go over to Fei Long, Sherea starts crying. She was heard to say, “I am gonna miss hating all these people so much.” Looking over at Frosti? she then asked, “Oh, are you crying too?” Frosti? responded, ‘No, it’s the heat…I’m melting. Because I am a snowman.”

As GRAVEDIGGERR!!! and Aaron pull away in their fishing boat headed for, Jerk-Fatgut starts to worry about his chances of sticking around. “Todd and Courtney and Amanda, who knows? They may just decide ‘Oh let’s get rid of Jerk-Fatgut.’Today’s a terrible day for Fei Long and today’s a god awful day for Jerk-Fatgut." Then he ate a small child and let his pants fall another inch.

Each tribe welcomes their new tribe members along with a welcome basket of food. Both Frosti? and Sherea are both worried about their place in their new tribe. That is, until they see how much everyone hates Jerk-Fatgut the next morning. Jerk-Fatgut woke bright and early to start the fire and cook breakfast and once his back is turned, everyone else starts talking about what a jerk he is and how fat his gut is. This makes Frosti? a little more comfortable. “I know being made of snow has its disadvantages, but that guy is cold as ice!! Awwww yeah…SNOWMAN SNAP!!”

Back at Zhan Hu, Aaron tries to secure his place by letting everyone know how much of a threat GRAVVEDIGGERRRR is. “Have you seen him?” he asks Jaime. “I mean, he’s huge. He is super strong. His back is so well-defined. And his arms are really muscled. When I look upon him, its as if I am looking upon perfection as God intended. He is all man and all sweat and braun and…my God he is beautiful.” Aaron then went off to cry because he knew their love could never be. A surfer and a gravedigger? Two different worlds, man.

Then came the immunity challenge. Everyone showed up wearing what looked like brand new bathing suits. They must have come upon the hidden Pacific Sunwear. Well, they all looked new except for The Lunchlady’s…which looked more like something from the 1940’s. In the challenge, the tribe members had to dive down and release these discs that looked like the Dharma symbol from Lost and then bring them back to shore and place them on a (gasp!) puzzle board.

Now, Jaime and Peih-Gee actually had a good idea (I just threw up in my mouth a bit when I said that)…they figured they should throw the challenge and therefore force the vote to get rid of the Fei Long members before the merge. However, during the challenge, they kept alluding to their plan. “Hey guys – take a minute to breathe…take a long minute (snicker…)” trying to slow down her tribe. Then, she threw one of their discs in the bushes. Then, she kept smiling as LUCIFER told them they were moving slowly. Then, as GRAVEDIGGERRRR!! kept berating the girls for their poor performance back at camp, they both kept smiling and trying to control their laughter. They would be really bad super geniuses. Like, worse than Wile E. Coyote.

So, yeah, Fei Long won immunity…not because they were good, but because Zhan Hu was bad, intentionally. Only they were bad at being bad intentionally. Unintentionally bad at being bad intentionally. I just blew my mind.

Peih-Gee then goes and confronts GRAVVVEEEDIFGGGGERRR!!! and asks him if he wants to stay longer than Aaron. GRAVEDIGGER then says, “Aaron deserves to stay. Vote me off.” Aaron, meanwhile, launches a massive “Vote off the GRAVEDIGGERR campaign.” Erik, meanwhile, blended into more scenery.

At tribal council, Jaime confesses to throwing the challenge…she also has this smile on her face like it was the smartest move ever. Relax. You could hardly even keep it a secret. Erik, meanwhile, said, “this is just like that part of the Bible where Wolverine pretended to be killed by Juggernaut so he could save Rogue.” God agreed that was a pretty sweet story and decided to put it in the next printing.

In the end, they decide to vote off Aaron. After Aaron departs, MEPHISTOPHELES then says, with a sly smile, “Erik, Peih-Gee and Jaime, you three are making a very strategic move. If your assumptions hold true, it could be a good play. If your assumptions are wrong, could be in trouble." If any of my past interactions with THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS are an indication, I am pretty sure they are in trouble. THE DEVIL likes to mess with minds man. Remember when he gave Homer that forbidden doughnut?
No? How about when he looked like George Burns and made Blossom’s Dad a rock star? Did the fact that both God and the Devil were being played by George Burns carry any significance? Are they related? And then God wins the soul back by playing cards with the Devil? Wow, that was a terrible movie.

Anyways, yeah, Aaron is gone – which means Jeff McAdams and I are both gone. Wait…me? There must be some mistake. Well, screw you Survivor! I’m done! No more recaps!

…

…

…

OK…I’m just playin’. You know I can’t stay mad at you, Survivor.

Also, yes…the Sox are in the World Series…game on Thursday and you will receive a late newsletter yet again. But, didn’t the anticipation make it so much sweeter? Whatever, its gonna be late.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE IV: THEY’RE HEROES IN A HALF-SHELL AND THEY’RE GREEN! They're really hip!

Man, I love this show. It’s so full of the things I love – like action and humor and suspense and heart…and there is always a lesson somewhere. You can always walk away from it having learned something. And, I don’t know, I just feel so connected to everyone on it. Whenever the credits roll, I find myself already awaiting the next installment. Plus, it has a robot. Oh, hey…I didn’t see you there. I was just watching an episode of Riptide. Survivor? Oh no, that show is god awful. Riptide, though. Man, Riptide is da bomb. Riptide. ROBOZ!!!111

The show last night opened with the early morning goings-on at the Fei Long camp. Jerk-Fatgut was all happy about not going home the night before at tribal council. He feels like he has really stepped up his work ethic and that people are seeing that. What am I seeing? The blur above his waistband. Eww. Jerk-Fatgut? More like…oh wait, Jerk-Fatgut fits pretty good here. Also, he pissed Ally McAnnoying off by yelling at her to NOT BURN HERSELF! Yeah, she almost burned herself on a pot, so JF warned her not to touch it. So she wouldn’t burn herself. Be careful, Jerk-Fatgut. She seems full of defiance. I heard her Dad once yelled at her to eat a cheeseburger and we all can see how that turned out. I wish someone would yell at her to stop being alive.

Well, at least things are better over at the Zhan Hu (John Woo? SMACK!!11) camp, right? You couldn’t be any more wronger. After discovering mold at the bottom of their rice sack, Dave and Sherea BE FIGHTIN’ Y’ALL!

Sherea: I separated out the moldy pieces from the non-moldy pieces
Dave: Just put the clean pieces somewhere so you don’t mix the moldy pieces back in there
Sherea: Where?
Dave: I don’t know, man, just think of something
Sherea: (to herself) Man? Did he just call me man? (audible gasp) He knows! Time to deflect…(to Dave) I JUST SEPARATED OUT ALL THESE PENI…! I MEAN, PIECES!
Dave: Just don’t throw away those clam shells.
Sherea: I am going to throw away those shells. I am not a man.
Dave: Don’t! I was collecting them for my mom
Everyone: LOLLLZZZZZZZZZZZ!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nelson: HA-HA!!!
Erik: I am also here.

Frosti? tried to step in the middle of them, but the heat was too intense and he melted. Because he is a snowman. I still don’t really understand why she stole his shells. She must really hate Dave and his mom.

Upon receiving tree mail, the tribes learn that the reward challenge will take place on the tribal council grounds. To which everyone was like, “OH MAN! NO WAY! HOLY HECK!!” And I was like, “Um.” Seriously, is that a big deal? Maybe I haven’t been watching this show close enough. Oh man…they had a helicopter on Riptide, too. That show was AWESOME!!111 CAPS LOCK!!!!1////

The challenge required teams of two to carry these fireballs with giant chopsticks (CHINA!!) across the course and then drop them into a wok (CHINESE!!!11), where they will set off some fireworks (CHINATOWN!) Hey, did you guys know this show takes place in China?

Todd and Denise led Fei Long to an early lead, because every Friday is Lo Mein day in the cafeteria. “Yesterday’s Spaghetti and Meatballs is today’s Lo Mein,” belched Denise. Fei Long rode that early lead to the end and won. Zhan Hu, conversely, lost. What’d Fei Long win? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. What’d Zhan Hu lose? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. C’mon. Stay with me.

Also, Fei Long kidnapped Dave. And held him for a ransom of five shells. His mom was heard to be clenching her fists and yelling “SHEREA!!!” to the heavens. Huh?

Dave ended up giving his hidden immunity idol clue to Todd. That is all I have to say about that.

At Zhan Hu, without Dave, everyone found themselves struggling with the workload because he was always doing a lot of the work. Everyone chipped in, though, to get it done. Everyone except Sherea, who said she was conserving her energy for the challenges. “If they want to keep working, that’s okay with me. I’m gonna ride the work horse till the tails fall off, because I’m not doing anything till I have to." To which the work horse replied, “well, that’s pretty inconsiderate.” Erik then said, “I’m getting frustrated because I’m just tired and I feel like some people are ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” I’m sorry. I fell asleep. My God. He is boring.

Fei Long, meanwhile, was subjected to Dave’s “Dave-iness.” CASE IN POINT: Upon receiving a lime from GRAVEDIGGGAHHH! Dave tried to give him a hug, to which GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!! Responded, “Man, you ok…I told you about the huggin.” Dave was like, “yeah…oh yeah. Sorry about that.” So, there was a first hugging experience that CBS decided not to show us? I hope its in the deleted scenes on the DVD. Not that I would buy it. I wouldn’t. What…you don’t believe me? I wouldn’t, man. I hate the show just like you. C’mon. I’m serious. Please don’t stop being my friend.

Then came the fisherman and his family. Upon seeing the family, GRAVEDIGGAH was like, “They have childrens” Yep. Childrens – which wasn’t funny because he could beat me up. What was funny? The Lunchlady, in talking about how excited she was about this reward, said “this is the best reward we ever had. The fisherman came. The family came. I am so glad to have this reward. The children are so pretty.” Hmm…the children were so pretty? The Lunchlady said this. I don’t wanna make any unnecessary accusations, but if Lunchlady Denise asks any of you kids to come in back to help her “tenderize the meatloaf,” run. Run as fast as you can. And gather all your friends. Because nobody likes a tough meatloaf. You ungrateful little bastards.

So, yeah, the fisherman and his family sort of taught them how to fish. He actually just showed them how he used his trained birds to catch fish. So, to review, catch some birds first. Then, train them to catch fish and bring them back to you. Then, you will have fish. Good luck, guys! Seriously, though, it was cool how they got the birds to fish for them. It reminded me of that movie where that guy, Dar, can talk to the animals and he uses them to help avenge his father. You know. The movie where the guy looks sort of like Conan and he is like a “master” of “beasts.” Like, he masters beasts. Oh, what was that movie? Damn. I think it was Beast…something. Beast…Beast. I got it. Beauty and the Beast! Remember when the dishes were singing?

Also, Jerk-Fatgut showed us all his talents go beyond just being flabby and annoying. He also speaks Mandarin. Yep. He just started spouting off all this Mandarin to the fisherman family. Oh, 反射-fatgut. You’re the coolest.

Hey, remember when I said that funny thing that Lunchlady said. That wasn’t all. She then went on to talk about the food, “Oh my god, after being out here all this time, flavor has never tasted so good. You know, a lunch lady is not an expert on food. We take the chicken nuggets out of the freezer and feed them to the kids. But that, today, was the most delicatest thing I ever put in my mouth.” Remember when I wouldn’t make fun of GRAVEDIGGERR!! because he could beat me up? Well, same deal here. Also, the cuisine in the Douglas, MA school system sounds, er, awesome. It’s the delicatest!!

The immunity challenge came next. Basically, the tribe members had to dress up as Shredder (CHINESE!!!) and throw things at porcelain vases (CHINACHINACHINA!!!). The tribe that breaks the most vases wins. It was pretty boring, so instead of describing how it went, I’ll just transcribe the opening lyrics to the Ninja Rap song that Vanilla Ice sang in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze:

YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen

Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound

Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove

Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass

Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:

Chorus: Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP! GO GO GO Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO! Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO! GO GO GO GO

I think he wants us to GO. No problem, Vanilla. Let’s break outta here. Word to your mutha!

Oh, I almost forgot. Fei Long won.

Zhan Hu was then left with the decision of who to vote out. It was between Dave and Sherea. Dave annoys everyone, true, but Sherea does absolutely nothing around camp. Upon being confronted about his upcoming decision at tribal council by Dave, Erik responded, “Look bro, I don’t know bro. I am not sure bro. Bro Bro Bro BORING!”

In the end, Zhan Hu made the non-understandablest decision and voted out Dave. “Hey, I don’t mind getting nothing done around camp…so long as I am not annoyed.” Makes sense, guys. You are totally going to do awesome.

So, that means we say goodbye to both John Clement and Meridith. Erm, see you guys! It was fun while it lasted, right? No? Well, it lasted.

Until next time

Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE III: YEAH, THE LUNCHLADY GOT A BLUR LASTNIGHT…EWWW!

Hey everyone. Guess what!! I got about 5 hours of sleep lastnight! Know what that means for you? A wicked crappy newsletter! Know what that means for me? Hallucinations! Exclamation points!!

Last night’s show began with the girls of the Fei Long tribe actively avoiding Jerk-Fatgut’s, um, fat gut as he tries desperately to use his time on the island to finally understand what all the “fuss about girls” is. He used the old ‘looking for warmth’ line on all of em…Ah, if I had a nickel, huh? Courtney complained, “Like I’m going to keep anyone warm! I weigh seven pounds…I can’t even keep myself warm! Get off of me!" Seven pounds, eh? I’d say that’s about right. Man, dat girl so skinny…she be wearing a LiveStrong bracelet as a belt. OOOOOOH! MAN!. No, no…she so skinny, she use her legs to floss her teeth. AW DAWG!! That girl so skinny, she’s about two days away from developing an exo-skeleton. NO HE DIDN’T!!!! Cheeseburgers be like Kryptonite, y’all. Kryptonite!

After a night of trying to escape the abyss that is Jerk-Fatgut’s belly button, Fei Long woke up grumpy and in need of breakfast. GRAVEDIGGER!!!! caught a crab in his net and they all fought about how to prepare it. “I want to boil it and make a sauce for rice,” said Courtney. “I want to just eat it whole,” exclaimed Aaron. “I think we should make a stew,” bellowed GRAVEDIGGAH!!! “I just ate Leslie,’ said Jerk-Fatgut. In the end, they made a stew, because everyone is scared of THE GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!! He then went on to say, er, um…something. I think he mentioned Crocodile Dundee. I don’t really know. I honestly cannot understand a word he says.

Back at Zhan Hu, people are also not being happy. Dave, having already blown one challenge due to his being low on energy, high on suckiness, continues to try and look super duper by doing every chore around camp. Peih-Gee tells him he needs to conserve his energy for the challenges and rest a little, thus aggravating the former model. Frosti? was also annoyed by Dave. You know what else is annoying? On my DVD of Frosty the Snowman, they also included Frosty Returns. Frosty Returns – where John Goodman does the voice of Frosty and Jonathan Winters is some sort of elf narrator thing. God awful. Why didn’t they include Frosty’s Winter Wonderland? Same Frosty voice…and he gets married! And Jack Frost is in it! And Andy Griffith! And they make a snow-preacher! Some things really burn me up!

As the teams met for the reward challenge, THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER tells them what they have to do. Each tribe will be on opposite boat decks and will have to either cross or wait for the other team to cross to their boat deck and then throw the other team off. Last one standing wins. It was also set up as men against men and women against women…and Denise. The lunchlady. Winning tribe gets stinky blankets and pillows.

The women of Zhan Hu (Sherea, Jaime, and Peih-Gee) make quick work of the Fei Long Females (Amanda and Leslie) and Denise first. Then came disgusting thing #1 of this challenge. Dave, the former model, strips naked. I guess he thought this was some sort of advantage. But, in this era of Borat and Jackass, rolling around with a naked man’s crotch inches from your face is no longer considered gross. In fact, its now hilarious. Get with the times Dave. So, the guys of Zhan-Hu (Dave, Frosti?, and Erik…who?) were bested by the guys of Fei Long (Aaron, Jerk-Fatgut, and GRAVEDIGGERRR). Score? 1-1. Disgusting thing #2 came as the females lined up again. The lunchlady had now stripped down to her “underwear” and, oh god, the horror. It looks like she’s eaten way too many hoagies and grinders. And navy beans. And meatloaf sandwiches. And Sloppy Joes…Slop, Sloppy Joes. And…I seriously am holding the vomit back at this point. I’ll just skip to the end. Zhan Hu won. And they kidnapped Leslie, who got another bamboo tube, which strongly resembled the anorexic Courtney. Because she’s skinny. And a tube is as well. She is skinny like a bamboo tube. Ugh, moving on.

Leslie really enjoyed her time with Zhan Hu because they had a positive vibe about them. “I’m here to love people and to show them the love of Christ and I can see that they appreciate that here," said the religious freak. Yes, I’m sure they do. Dave then got naked again and stabbed Peih-Gee in the heart. Leslie felt so at ease she let her new God-fearing friends know that Aaron was in charge of things over at Fei Long. Leslie? More like, erm…Stupid Leslie. SWISH!

Back at Fei Long, while collecting firewood, Ally McSkinny and Todd (jeesh…a gay Mormon flight attendant and I can’t think of one nickname?) overhear a really intelligent conversation between Jerk-Fatgut and GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! The conversation started with them talking about who the weakest members of the tribe were. After Jerk-Fatgut said Courtney was, GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! mumbled a lot. Then Jerk-Fatgut started teasing him about being into Courtney. The exchange went something like this:

Jerk-Fatgut: “You like her, huh?”
GRAVEDIGGERRRRR: “Imanhfummndy kdmnfred”
Jerk-Fatgut: “The only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass!”
GRAVEDIGGERR: (laughing) “hubbity bee zabbafrgald”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Man, I like sex. And boobs.”
GRAVEDIGGERR: “d”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Dude, I can’t wait to drink some beer and get some chicks!”
GRAVEDIGGERRR: “ghu”
Jerk-Fatgut: “I have a sad life”
(and they embrace)

Of course, Ally McNeedsasandwich and Todd are taken aback by this exchange. Todd even says he is going to strangle him. But, I am pretty sure, at his size, it would probably turn into more of a piggy-back ride than a fatal strangling. Todd then says its time to get rid of Jerk-Fatgut and GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Todd menacingly told the camera, “As far as I’m concerned, James and Jean- Robert are the trash. Maybe it will happen tomorrow. Maybe it will happen in 2 days. Maybe it will happen in 3 days. Maybe 4 days. Maybe 7 days. Maybe in 9 days. But, after 9 days trash gets stinky. They gotta go." Seriously. That was his threatening speech. He then went on to say, “It’s been 7 days on the island. But for me, it feels more like 13 days. Because the first day, everything was new and exciting and it went by so fast, it was like a half day. The second day, though, we were all really tired and crabby, so that day felt more like a day and a half. The third day, I actually slept most of the morning, but I worked really hard in the afternoon, so that averaged to about a regular day…” Then Courtney stabbed him with her protruding backbone. Is it getting harder and harder to distinguish what really happened in the show from my maniacal ramblings? Good. I almost have you where I want you.

Leslie also gave Jaime Courtn…er, I mean the bamboo tube. Man, that joke never gets old. It, of course, contained a clue to the hidden immunity idol. The end.

Next up…the immunity challenge. Four tribe members had to take turns chopping at these ropes which would release these bundles of discs. Once all four bundles were released, the remaining two members would then try to stack them on a puzzle post thing and then drag it over the finish line. A puzzle post now? I thought the puzzles were getting a bit ridiculous…every challenge...jeez. But, this is CBS. They know their target demo, man. Old people love puzzles. And cats. And smelling like mothballs.

Now, Fei Long sends out Ally McCantdoanything first for them. And, man did she struggle. Zhan Hu essentially got all their players through the chopping phase while Courtney was still trying to get her bundle down. She ended up having to saw the rope to get it to break. I don’t think I have ever seen someone be this bad at anything before. And I watched the Tyson-McNeely fight, so I know.

They were also doing this really annoying thing where, when a person cut their rope, they would freeze-frame on them cutting it. I don’t know if this is what they were going for, but it kept reminding me of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter when they freeze-framed on a newly head-shaven Corey Feldman giving Jason a stare down. It didn’t remind you of that? See…me and Mark Burnett? We get each other.

After that horrific display by Courtney, Fei Long actually made up some ground because Zhan-Hu is not bright or good at puzzles or good at life. In the end, though, Zhan-Hu was victorious, winning their first Immunity Challenge.

Then Fei Long was faced with trying to decide who to vote off. Aaron wanted to vote off Leslie because of how she behaved with the other tribe. Courtney wanted to vote off Jerk-Fatgut because he is a jerk and has a fat gut. Todd wanted to vote off one of the bigger men because he worried about how he would perform against them in the individual challenges. Jerk Fatgut wanted to eat.

In the end, though, Leslie was the one voted out…and Todd called her “Mom” on his vote card, which was just creepy. You would think they would have kept her…having someone who is such good friends with God has got to work to your advantage. I’m sure Probst is happy though…you know, being THE DEVIL and all.

Until next time,
Wayne

SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE II: SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SURVIVOR MUD WRESTLEMANIA SUPER SPECTACULAR!!!

Hey, you know who sucks?
Who?
Zhan-Hu.
Zhan…Who?
Right.
Right?
So, Zhan-Right sucks?
No, Zhan-Hu.
I don’t know, Zhan Who?
Exactly.
Zhan-Exactly?
HULK HOGAN SIGNATURE LEG DROP!!!!11111

Last night’s episode began with Zhan-Hu (Who? Zhan…oh, just shut the hell up!) really just not liking each other all that much. Well, actually Dave (former model, current tool) and Ashley (current wrestler, current woman?) really don’t like each other mostly. Oh, and it looks like Sherea really doesn’t like Dave either. And Jaime. And me. And you. The show started, pre-credits, with a bit of disagreement on where the shelter should go. Dave thinks here. Others think there. Jaime wants to eat. Erik…was also there.

Back at the Fei Long camp, tensions are also rising as well. Jean-Robert just cannot stop sleeping. Which is a really good plan. If there is anyone other people on the tribe like, it’s the guy who sleeps all the time. On top of that, he not only sleeps, but he snores. Loud. Like Three Stooges loud. Jean-Robert? More like Jerk-ummm…fatgut. Yep, Jerk-Fatgut. No, you’re a terrible writer. Also, remember when I said that poker playing was cool? Yeah, Jerk-Fatgut totally ruined that whole image. He’s much less Matt Damon in Rounders and much more Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy Me Love (What? They played cards). Actually, no…he’s worse. He’s Patrick Dempsey’s red-haired friend (“You sh*t on my house!!”) Aaron actually calls Jerk-Fatgut out in front of everyone on his mono-nucelosasicty. The exchange went a little like this:

Aaron: “Hey man, you sleep a lot, dude. Unlike me. I surf. Dude.”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Well, I can’t help it. I’m about to pass out.’
Aaron: “Hang ten, man.”
Jerk-Fatgut: “I just need a little more sleep.”
Aaron: “Bogus”
Jerk-Fatgut: “This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know”
Aaron: “Fatty McGee…you’re the fattest”

What??

Jerk-Fatgut said, though, this laziness is part of his strategy though. Though. He is essentially setting the bar low so that when he starts working, people will be like, “Wow…he’s working a lot harder than he was before. Go Fatty Go!” He is super strategic. I did the same thing. For years, whenever I would see a box of kittens, I would light it on fire. Then people would say, “oh…there goes Wayne. He just loves watching kittens burn and be on fire.” Then, one day, after I lit it on fire, I poured some of my bottle of Fiji on it. In the end, I guess I should have poured the whole bottle. But I was really thirsty. Anyways, now people say, “There goes Wayne. He loves Fiji.” Wait…what was I talking about?

Also, Amanda (Hugandkiss…heh. I’m looking for Amanda Hugandkiss. Amanda Hugandkiss. I need Amanda Hugandkiss. Can someone please find me Amanda Hugandkiss…Why, you little.), Todd, and Aaron entered into an alliance. Although Amanda and Todd actually only invited Aaron in because if anything goes wrong…he can be the scapegoat. Those bastards. Those sneaky sneaky bastards.

Back at the Zhan-Hu (Who?) camp, Dave and Captain Lou Albano continued to not like each other. Dave wanted to really build a nice fire pit with stones and everything, while Captain Lou just wanted to put more rubber bands in his beard. Hey, remember Cyndi Lauper videos? Remember things from the 80’s? Remember Freshen-Up gum? Also, Captain Lou also thought the fire pit seemed useless and wanted to just get one going already. As a former model, though, Dave knew better and continued to build the pit, despite Captain Lou’s ringside taunts.

Jaime is just really hungry. And everyone is in their underwear.

Then came the reward challenge. In the challenge, each team was to square off in THE PIT OF MUD!!!11 and push these giant balls (heh) into the other teams goal. Everyone is free to stop the other team in any way possible. They can even “wrestle” the other team away from the ball. Mud. Wrestling. Mud wrestling. Oh yeah. It’s on. And it was raining.

I don’t really know what was going on in the mud pit, because it was full of more blurs than Dre’s “Nuthin’ But a G Thang” video. It was also a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Oooh, behind that blur are Amanda’s naughty parts. Yay! Wait, Jerk-Fatgut’s butt. Boo! I don’t even know what they’re blurring there with Ashley, but Yay! Aww, Jerk-Fatgut. You ruin everything.

Guess who won.

Who?

Nope, Fei Long.

They won some fishing stuff. The rewards are so boring at this point in the show. But they also got to kidnap someone from the other tribe. They chose Jaime because she was a “ball of sunshine.” My thought is they probably remembered she didn’t have a bra. She also got to take with her a mystery scroll. Zoinks Scoob!!! What do you think it could be?
It ended up containing a clue about a hidden immunity idol Jaime, however, could not read it herself. She had to share it with someone on Fei Long, who then could read it. Who could it be? Oooooh, I don’t know. OK, it was Leslie. Suspense sucks.

Leslie, meanwhile, was busy crying. Why? Was she just really tired? In pain? Missing her family? Sick? Well, she was sick…but that wasn’t her cause for sorrow. Nope. She needed her bible. She needed to spend some “time with God.” God, meanwhile, is said to be very thankful for the break.

However, when Jaime shared this clue with her, Leslie said that it was a “gift from God.” Er, no…it was a gift from Jaime. Unless…No…Could Jaime be? Praise be to Jaime.

Not content to keep this secret to herself, Leslie decided to share this newfound information with Todd. Yep, Todd. The ultra-religious Christian talk show host teaming up with the gay Mormon flight attendant. That be crazy! This could be the most outrageous pairing since a visionary by the name of Brett Ratner saw fit to put a fast-talking black man with a fast-footed Chinese man. “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” High-larious!

The immunity challenge was next and it involved something called a Chinese puzzle log (log…heh) …which I am pretty sure is made up. But they had to break down a door with the log (hehhehe) and then take the log (OMG!!11) and then put the log (hahahaha) through a puzzle maze screw thing and then bang a gong with the log (ROFLMAO!!!!!!111111////) to signal they have won. Dave, despite his being a former male model, couldn’t muster the strength to keep going in the door-breaking part of the challenge and therefore slowed Zhan-Hu down enough to lose the entire challenge. Way to go, Dave!

Although it seemed that it was between Dave and Jake “the Snake” Roberts up til the end…Ashle…errr Jake “the Snake” got all votes except for the one she cast herself for Dave and was sent packing.

This is unfortunate, as it robs me of any future wrestling references. So, in order to get those out of my system…here you go: Ted “the Million Dollar Man” Dibiase, the lovely Elizabeth, King Kong Bundy, George “the Animal” Steele, the Bushwhackers, Mr. Perfect, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Koko B. Ware, Earthquake, the Iron Sheik, Bret “the Hitman” Heart, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Ricky Steamboat, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Big John Studd, Bam Bam Bigelow, Demolition, Zeus, Kamala, Big Boss Man, “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, Tatanka, Mr. Fuji, Shawn Michaels, Doink the Clown, Sensational Sherrie, Gorilla Monsoon, Dino Bravo, Bobby “the Brain” Heenan, Sgt, Slaughter…that is all. Oh, also…the Amazon from Ninentdo Pro Wrestling (heh…the piranha bite.)

Until next time,Wayne