The show began with Zhan Hu being all bummed out about their poor performance at challenges. Frosti? lamented, “They have a strong leader in Aaron, a strong player in GRAVEDIGGGGERRRRRRRRRRR!!, and some intelligent people, so they’re a hard team to beat….plus, if someone were to take this magic hat off my head, I would cease to even be alive anymore. That’s a real disadvantage. Happy Birthday!!” Sherea, meanwhile, feels like she isn’t part of the group. Turns out that being lazy and not wanting to do anything is an Unattractive quality. I mean, they’d actually prefer the company of Erik over you, Sherea, and most of them don’t even know who that is…
…most of them. Jaime, however, I guess, digs guys who blend into the scenery because she seems sort of into Erik. Turns out Erik and her have a lot in common. In talking with each other over a swim, they each found out they both had MIDDLE NAMES! I mean, what are the chances? Also, Erik compared their situation to the Garden of Eden. “Its biblical in the sense that there is man and woman and we like hanging out.” Something tells me Erik read the “illustrated version of the Bible.” Well, actually he probably just read old Brenda Starr comic strips and just thought it was the Bible. But yeah, its pretty similar. Remember when Adam and Eve had to mud wrestle? Genesis was awesome. No, not the book. The ones who sang “Land of Confusion.” Remember music?
Oh, also, Erik is a virgin. And guess what? He’s still not interesting.
You know what is interesting? Every word that comes out of GRAVEDIGGAHHH’s mouth. Working together with The Lunchlady, he says, “"Denise really does bust her ass out here. She’s a strong, good woman. She is there to complement you and work with you. That’s attractive.” Then he went on to say, “If she was younger or I was older, she’d be in trouble.” Just read over those last couple sentences again. I’ll wait. OK, once more. Go ahead. Yeah, attractive. I suppose after spending so much time with dead bodies, Lunchlady would probably be a little…nope, nope. Maybe if she lost a couple…nah. Man, GRAVEDIGGERR is messed up. Lunchlady responded, “I like eat food. Sloppy Joe.”
This was all followed by each tribe receiving a piece of parchment on which it said for each tribe to select two members from the other tribe they would like to come over and join them. Fei Long decides on Frosti? and Sherea, whom they understand to be Zhan Hu’s two strongest members…which is just really sad. Zhan Hu, meanwhile, takes it to mean that they will get two members of Fei Long, while Fei Long will get nothing. They don’t even consider that maybe, possibly, Fei Long will also get to pick two tribe members. Erik was like, “This is just like that Bible story where Charlie Brown got to take care of Snoopy’s brother, Spike. God was so wise in those days…but Lucy was really mean.”
Zhan Hu picked Aaron and GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!!
When Sherea and Frosti? find out they have to go over to Fei Long, Sherea starts crying. She was heard to say, “I am gonna miss hating all these people so much.” Looking over at Frosti? she then asked, “Oh, are you crying too?” Frosti? responded, ‘No, it’s the heat…I’m melting. Because I am a snowman.”
As GRAVEDIGGERR!!! and Aaron pull away in their fishing boat headed for, Jerk-Fatgut starts to worry about his chances of sticking around. “Todd and Courtney and Amanda, who knows? They may just decide ‘Oh let’s get rid of Jerk-Fatgut.’Today’s a terrible day for Fei Long and today’s a god awful day for Jerk-Fatgut." Then he ate a small child and let his pants fall another inch.
Each tribe welcomes their new tribe members along with a welcome basket of food. Both Frosti? and Sherea are both worried about their place in their new tribe. That is, until they see how much everyone hates Jerk-Fatgut the next morning. Jerk-Fatgut woke bright and early to start the fire and cook breakfast and once his back is turned, everyone else starts talking about what a jerk he is and how fat his gut is. This makes Frosti? a little more comfortable. “I know being made of snow has its disadvantages, but that guy is cold as ice!! Awwww yeah…SNOWMAN SNAP!!”
Back at Zhan Hu, Aaron tries to secure his place by letting everyone know how much of a threat GRAVVEDIGGERRRR is. “Have you seen him?” he asks Jaime. “I mean, he’s huge. He is super strong. His back is so well-defined. And his arms are really muscled. When I look upon him, its as if I am looking upon perfection as God intended. He is all man and all sweat and braun and…my God he is beautiful.” Aaron then went off to cry because he knew their love could never be. A surfer and a gravedigger? Two different worlds, man.
Then came the immunity challenge. Everyone showed up wearing what looked like brand new bathing suits. They must have come upon the hidden Pacific Sunwear. Well, they all looked new except for The Lunchlady’s…which looked more like something from the 1940’s. In the challenge, the tribe members had to dive down and release these discs that looked like the Dharma symbol from Lost and then bring them back to shore and place them on a (gasp!) puzzle board.
Now, Jaime and Peih-Gee actually had a good idea (I just threw up in my mouth a bit when I said that)…they figured they should throw the challenge and therefore force the vote to get rid of the Fei Long members before the merge. However, during the challenge, they kept alluding to their plan. “Hey guys – take a minute to breathe…take a long minute (snicker…)” trying to slow down her tribe. Then, she threw one of their discs in the bushes. Then, she kept smiling as LUCIFER told them they were moving slowly. Then, as GRAVEDIGGERRRR!! kept berating the girls for their poor performance back at camp, they both kept smiling and trying to control their laughter. They would be really bad super geniuses. Like, worse than Wile E. Coyote.
So, yeah, Fei Long won immunity…not because they were good, but because Zhan Hu was bad, intentionally. Only they were bad at being bad intentionally. Unintentionally bad at being bad intentionally. I just blew my mind.
Peih-Gee then goes and confronts GRAVVVEEEDIFGGGGERRR!!! and asks him if he wants to stay longer than Aaron. GRAVEDIGGER then says, “Aaron deserves to stay. Vote me off.” Aaron, meanwhile, launches a massive “Vote off the GRAVEDIGGERR campaign.” Erik, meanwhile, blended into more scenery.
At tribal council, Jaime confesses to throwing the challenge…she also has this smile on her face like it was the smartest move ever. Relax. You could hardly even keep it a secret. Erik, meanwhile, said, “this is just like that part of the Bible where Wolverine pretended to be killed by Juggernaut so he could save Rogue.” God agreed that was a pretty sweet story and decided to put it in the next printing.
In the end, they decide to vote off Aaron. After Aaron departs, MEPHISTOPHELES then says, with a sly smile, “Erik, Peih-Gee and Jaime, you three are making a very strategic move. If your assumptions hold true, it could be a good play. If your assumptions are wrong, could be in trouble." If any of my past interactions with THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS are an indication, I am pretty sure they are in trouble. THE DEVIL likes to mess with minds man. Remember when he gave Homer that forbidden doughnut?
No? How about when he looked like George Burns and made Blossom’s Dad a rock star? Did the fact that both God and the Devil were being played by George Burns carry any significance? Are they related? And then God wins the soul back by playing cards with the Devil? Wow, that was a terrible movie.
Anyways, yeah, Aaron is gone – which means Jeff McAdams and I are both gone. Wait…me? There must be some mistake. Well, screw you Survivor! I’m done! No more recaps!
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OK…I’m just playin’. You know I can’t stay mad at you, Survivor.
Also, yes…the Sox are in the World Series…game on Thursday and you will receive a late newsletter yet again. But, didn’t the anticipation make it so much sweeter? Whatever, its gonna be late.
Until next time,
Wayne
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