Hullo. Oh, nothing’s wrong. Nothing. I swear. OK, well…this time of year always, I don’t know. It always gets me down. I don’t think its strange. A lot of people get depressed around now. I mean, this is the second-to-last Survivor email. Huh? Christmas? Ugh, I didn’t even realize that. Don’t even mention Christmas. The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. OK, maybe not my father. But Pheobe Cates’. OK, maybe not Phoebe Cates, but her character in Gremlins. Bright Light! Right?
At the beginning of last night’s episode, it opened with The LunchLady talking about how she decided to go against Peih-Gee and vote Erik off at tribal council. “Here I could have been in the top three and at least tried to make it to the Jury vote. I kind of decided to play it safe and, you know, this could have been one of the biggest mistakes I have made so far…” she continued, “…wellll, the second-biggest mistake. I guess the first would have been deciding to go with the fish sticks last Friday instead of Sloppy Joes. Sloppy Joes. Slop, Sloppy Joes.” I really wish she would get voted off. I like her and everything, but all this lunchlady-focused humor is wearing a bit thin. Navy beans, navy beans! Hahahaha…never mind.
Peih-Gee, meanwhile, is feeling a bit bad about her position in the game as an outsider. I don’t know…I always thought being an outsider would be pretty cool. It’d be better than being a Soc. Those guys are total squares.
Ah well, at least she gets to open the tree mail. Inside is a bunch of arrows with a note attached about having skill and being popular. Possessing neither, all of our tribe members are left feeling bummed out. Peih-Gee, meanwhile, decided to just go ahead and do it for Johnny. I, meanwhile, am left wondering who would name their kid Ponyboy. Also, what happened to C. Thomas Howell? He looked like he was on the road to super-stardom after Soul Man. I suppose his performance was overshadowed by the double smackdown of acting supremacy handed out by Rae Dawn Chong and one Mr. Ayre Gross. Oh, C. Thomas…don’t take that many tanning pills. Harvard has never seen such lunacy. At least not until Tom Green decided to steal the place. At least I think that’s how it happened. Having a functioning brain stem, I decided to cut my ties with Tom after Freddy Got Fingered.
Now that’s a tangent.
So, the reward challenge involved arrows. Lots and lots of arrows. Everyone had to shoot arrows using some kind of Chinese crossbow (China? Why…ohhhh, ok) at a wall that had their names randomly written on it. Each time an arrow hit a name, that person will score a point regardless of who shoots it. To make things even more WE HATE PEIH-GEE, they had to get arrows by having the other members of the tribe place arrows in thei canister. Peih-Gee, of course, got the least…only 1. Ally McCrud got the most…12. Now, you would think that would result in a win for our bony, frien..er, for our bony…for bony. You would think that. If you were an idiot. Lunchlady won because Ally McDuh kept shooting arrows at her name.
She won private jet transportation to the Great Wall (CHINA!!!!!!!!!), dinner on the Great Wall, and sleeping on the Great Wall. She also got to take two people with her. Being sick of everything being so “great,” she took Todd and Ally McUgh. Get it? Because they suck. Jokes are good.
Peih-Gee was definitely not happy with The Lunchlady’s choice. She was happy, however with Sophie’s Choice, which was a movie starring Meryl Streep. Her students, more however, were unhappy with last Tuesday’s Chef’s Choice, which was chopped ham.
On the plane ride, Todd drew on his extensive stewarding experience to say that they were on a plane. Ally McAwful drew on her extensive being really skinny experience to get sucked into the plane’s ventilation system. I drew on my extensive alcohol experience to drink away my insecurities. Sorry…its just that I get uglier and uglier with every passing day and no one loves me and my right eye is a little smaller than my left. And have you ever seen my feet? Oh, Purple Passion, you’re the only one that understands me.
Back at camp, Amanda Hugandkiss and Peih-Gee found common ground in the fact that they were both left behind as the other three went off to the Great Wall. Also, they are both big crybabies. Also, I have nothing interesting to say about the situation.
At the Great Wall, Todd, the LunchLady, and Ally McTerrible were having trouble figuring out how to eat their meal. They had in front of them some raw meat and a pot with some sort of stew in it to cook the meat. “So, is this like fondue?” Todd asked. “Do we just put it in the pot?” inquired the LunchLady. “What is food?” Ally McBlech, erm, spewed. Then she fell through a crack. Hey, has anyone else noticed that she’s really skinny? I am an observational humorist. What is the deal with skinny chicks? Who are these people?
When they got back to camp, there was some bad feelings rising up. Todd and Ally McStick complained about the food they ate. In addition, the LunchLady told Amanda Hugandkiss that she had tried to bring them back some food, but Todd ate it on the plane. So, basically, Amanda Hugandkiss and Peih-Gee were all, “whatevs.”
The immunity challenge came next and it was a sort of “best of” challenge. They had to throw the Chinese stars, eat the bird fetus, bounce the ball on the drum, and then cut the rope and release the puzzle disks. Remember all those challenges? No? Me either. But, hey, remember all those great super songs of the 70’s? Remember this one? Everybody’s smiling…sunshine day!!!! Now, you can get all the songs you remember in one collection. Buying all these CDs separately would cost you hundreds of dollars, but you can get all these groovy tunes for $39.99. Far out. ??
So, Todd can’t throw Chinese stars, LunchLady can’t eat a bird fetus, Ally McSuck can’t bounce balls, and Peih-Gee can’t, um, puzzle disk. So, that left Amanda Hugandkiss with immunity. She was all, “woo.”
Before tribal, Amanda Hugandkiss was toying with the idea of voting out Todd and starting an alliance with Peih-Gee and The LunchLady, but as pretty as she is, and as blurred as her bottom is, she just aint that bright.
Until next time,
Wayne
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