SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE XIV: HEY-AH TONY DANZA THINKS YOU SHOULD READ-AH THIS HERE NEWSLETTAH…BROOKLYN!

So, I need to get this newsletter out quickly because Sunday is the finale and between now and then, I plan on being pretty drunk. Oops…I mean “tired.” That’s usually what I tell my kids when I have had a little too much. Like they will say, “Daddy, why are you talking so funny?” And I will answer, “Oh…I am just tired.” Or they will say, “Daddy, why did you just fall on the floor?” And I will answer, “Tired, kids…Daddy is BLEEPING tired.” Or maybe they ask, “Daddy, why are you laughing so hard at this awful Paul Blart: Mall Cop movie?” And I will say, “Daddy is just tired off his ass, kids. Now go get some of Daddy’s sleepy juice. It’s in those silver cans with the blue mountains.”

Parenting is way easier than my health teacher said it would be.

So I think this was the first show this season where at least someone didn’t come back reeling from tribal council. In fact, no one even mentioned the vote. Probably because Monica was kind of hard to like. Maybe even harder to like than Jar-Jar Binks. Meesa wants to goes and help yousa and do some BANG SHOOT DEAD.

Also, while they were sitting around the fire, Brett was giving Richard Simmons a back massage. Which was uncomfortable and awkward. Even more than when Tony took Samantha bra shopping on Who’s the Boss? Mona and Angela were all, “Sam needs a bra” and Tony was like, “HEY-OH. I’m-ah from the streets of Brooklyn. I’m a big-ah tough guy, right? And, OH!, this bra stuff is fuh tha boids! Gimme my mop. Fuhgettaboutit.” Then Mona talked about how many guys she wanted to sleep with and Jonathan was all, “I am annoying.” I think that’s what happened. Or maybe that was the episode where Tony walked in on Angela showering. “HEY-OH. I’m-ah just-ah trying to clean the tub ovah here!”

The next morning, Brett and Natalie discover they share a common interest – God. And they start talking about their faith and what Christian books they like. Its crazy how many conversations I have had like that with people…only replace “faith” with “Pez collection” and “Christian books” with “Star Wars characters.” And is it still a conversation if people walk away from you in the middle of it? Its nice to have friends….even if they’re made of dreams. Why is the world such a lonely place?

Meanwhile, Spacely is teasing Richard Simmons about her hair. Because, as he says, mullets went out in the 70’s. Which is bull. I mean, I had a mullet well into the 90’s. And I had a ton of dates. Well, some dates. Actually, like one or two. You know, come to think of it, I spent a lot of Fridays and Saturdays watching USA Up All Night eating pretzel rods and drinking Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid alone. Please move on from this paragraph right now.

Next up was the reward challenge. In the challenge, the tribe would be split into two members and people would have to go up and remove a piece of rope from this network of intersecting ropes holding up all these coconuts. The object was to drop as few coconuts as possible. First team to 100 dropped coconuts loses. It was a lot like that game “Don’t Wake the Bees.” Except instead of bees, it was coconuts. And instead of being the focal point of fond childhood memories, remembering this one was will probably bring to mind the night I tried to figure out why they kept blurring out the area right above Mick’s swim trunks. Seriously, what are they blurring out there? I am sort of afraid to ask, so I am just going to imagine it’s a conjoined twin. That’s usually my default. If I cant figure something out, I will usually just say it’s a conjoined twin. Its why my son thinks the capital of Lithuania is Conjoined Twin.

So, before the challenge, Spacely and Natalie are assigned the duty of being captains for the two teams. So, they pick their teams. And Natalie shocked the world (translate: me) by choosing Brett first. I was pretty taken aback by this, but as she said later in the challenge, her and Brett are prayer warriors. And then she held hands with him. That’s awesome. I should have used that more in college to meet girls. It’d probably work better than when I told girls that I was a Dream Warrior. That didn’t work so well. Especially when I said my dream power was ballet.

I’m a dream warrior. Don’t wanna dream no more.

Anyways, the teams were Spacely, Richard Simmons, and JaiSON versus Natalie, Brett, and Mick. And at first, the Spacelies were losing, but then the other team the other team was losing. And then it was over and they lost. You know, I should have followed my dream of being a sports broadcaster. I couldn’t be any worse than Dennis Miller was on Monday Night Football – “Hey, that pass reminds me of the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, right Al?”

So, Spacely, Richard Simmons and JaiSON won reward and it was a trip to a remote village to eat and watch Samoans dance. And to my dismay, Humpty Hump’s plea to the people of Samoa to, in fact, do the Humpty Hump was not heard. Because I didn’t see one person limp to the side like their leg was broken or shake and twitch kind of like they were smoking.

And I definitely didn’t find myself thinking any of them looked like MC Hammer on crack.

And back at camp, the three losers decided that they would get some food (snails) and eat on the beach while watching the sunset – sort of like a “loser’s reward.” And, you know, good for them. I mean, losers need love too, right? I mean, even Screech had Donna Martin. Wait….is that right? I think. Wait. Maybe?The winners also got to sleep on mattresses and pillows. And Richard Simmons was just being downright “silly.” She was putting the netting over her face and saying “I’m in a net.” I love jokes you don’t have to think about. Or laugh at.

Also, they are all pretty worried about Natalie’s first choice of Brett at the challenge. Richard Simmons says its very telling. At least I think that’s what she said. By then, I was in the process of burning out my retinas with a hot poker because she chose to wear what looked like just a bra to bed. Speaking of bras, how about that episode of Who’s the Boss? Where Tony went bra shopping with…huh? I did? Oh, crap…um when he when he HEY OH I’M WALKIN HERE!!!1111

So, the next day, Spacely confronted Natalie about her choice and she said that she was still on board with him til the end. Which, I don’t know…I know she is all ‘God is awesome’ and stuff and wouldn’t strike you as a liar, but she could probably work around it. People are always misquoting the Bible and what not. My Mom always did. Like one time, she told me that God forbade me to watch Three’s Company because it was against his will…all so she could watch Classic Concentration.

The reward challenge was a weird one. The tribe members had to go out and count random things – fish, coconuts, squids (seriously) and then come back and use those numbers as a combination to get this rod out and break a tile. It was odd. In the end, Brett ended up winning. Which sort of makes me skeptical. I mean, they have been gunning for Brett for the past two weeks. And all of a sudden, he’s winning challenges? Even though he never won one before. This is more suspect than the end of Superman IV. At the end, they show Superman flying around the globe and, like, you can see him from space. That would make him, honestly, something like 100 miles long. How could anyone not have figured that out? I mean, I still believed he was ready to give up his power for Margot Kidder….and even I found that hard to believe.

So, anyways, Brett won immunity which means that they had to switch gears and consider voting out Mick. However, JaiSON has another idea. He wants to vote out Richard Simmons because Mick gives them a better shot at ousting Brett. And as he is talking about this with Spacely, up walks Richard Simmons. And he walks right away. Which makes her suspicious. And I don’t know. I mean, you know how many people have walked away from me? I never took it personally. I just figured it meant most people didn’t care to hear how I think Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, He-Man is awesome and everything, but deep down he is still that whinebag Prince Adam. And really, Prince Adam just seems like someone that couldn’t stand up to Popeye’s spinach-fueled rage. Like, let’s say they meet each other and get in a little bit of a tussle….then I could see…wait…come back. Fine, I guess you don’t like people having opinions. Fascist.

At tribal, Natalie talks to the fact that Richard Simmons would be a great person to take to the end because no one on the jury would vote for her. And I have to agree…but what do I know. I am just a guy who thinks Popeye could take He-Man in a fight. I mean, think about it. If he just used his oversized arms to knock that sword of power away, how could he….ugh, fine, come back. Sorry.

In the end, though, they decided to keep Mick for reasons I cannot fathom and they voted out Richard Simmons. Which is nice, since we don’t have to root anymore for someone who is so unlikeable. I imagine its a lot like being a Yankees fan.

Until next time,
Wayne