SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE XIII: HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HIS LICENSE, LISA.

Our time is winding down, my friends. This is your next-to-last newsletter. I know. I know. I’m pretty excited too.

The episode last night started with BOO! coming up with a ridiculous plan, forging a trail to the water well so that he can hide there and listen in on people’s conversations. That way, he will totally know if he’s on the chopping block. Unless, of course, its discussed somewhere else like in the cave (which happened last night) or on the boat (which also happened last night) or maybe just down on the beach (yeah, last night too). All in all, the plan was fiendishly clever in its intricacies. You can tell he put a lot of thought into…BOO! gotcha!

So, yeah…while all this was going on, Earl, Cassandra, Stacy, and Yao Ming decide to vote BOO! off next, which gets Yao Ming excited. “Getting rid of BOO! would make my life a lot easier,” stated Yao Ming, “Plus, even just calling someone BOO! makes me feel like a complete idiot. Basketball!”

After Stacy went to retrieve the tree mail, they all worked out trying to figure what the reward challenge would be. By using the awesome power of their brains, they deciphered that it was a car challenge meaning the winner would probably be receiving a vehicle of some sort. Remember that crappy yellow Aztek that Coby won in Season Two. Man, that thing was ugly. Plus, he spooned with his mom in there. Pontiac was probably super excited about that. Pontiac: We Build Incest!

Anyways, Kelly Kapowski was pretty excited about the car challenge. “I’m the only one here who doesn’t have a car,” he said. Then, he went on to say, “I really do not have a car.” Then, after that, he said, “I didn’t even bother to get a license because I didn’t see the point in it since I didn’t have a car.” Afterwards, he pointed out, “I also don’t have a car, so if anyone would help me get one, that would be great.” He also stated, “The reason I don’t have a car is that my Dad just lost his job. In fact, that’s why I couldn’t go to the prom and I ended up eating cake and dancing with Zack outside the window of the gym.” “Also,” he went on, “I do not have a car.” Man, I wish Blanka from Street Fighter II was there, because if there was ever a time for a deadly ear bite, that was it. Hey, remember video games? Those were great!

So, yes, it was a car reward. The reward was a Ford Super Duty blah blah blah. Ah, pick up trucks. Welcome to a world of constantly being the first person in line to help your friends move something really heavy. The survivors would have to split into two teams of three, walk over see saws, go through a pretty boring McDonald’s Play Place, dig for a hatchet, and cut a rope to release a box containing a bunch of school supplies, which drops into the bed of the truck – which I assume was to show that trucks can hold heavy boxes. The winning team then was to drive the truck over to a school, while towing a mobile office, and deliver it all to a school where they would shower the children with notebooks in exchange for their food. Additionally, the winning team of three had to compete in a hatchet throwing contest for the keys to the truck.

The good news? The team consisting of Kelly Kapowski, Earl, and Cassandra were in the lead, but ended up losing it in the end…which should have meant KK’s dreamz (get it??hahahahahahahahahaha) were crushed. The better news? As they were coming out of the Play Place, Cassandra got stuck. It was totally like the time Winnie-the-Pooh got stuck in the beehive. Or the time he was stuck in the window. Or that time he got stuck in the tree. Man, that bear was sure useless. “Oh Pooh, you silly old moronic fatso.”

So, then, BOO!, Stacy, and Yao Ming went on to the hatchet throwing contest. Stacy once again proved she couldn’t do anything except remain to be unattractive despite a flat tummy and left it to BOO! and Yao Ming to fight it out. In the end, Yao Ming won and tried to use it to his advantage by offering Kelly Kapowski a deal. He offered to give Kelly Kapowski his reward in exchange for his immunity if he won it in the final four. It seemed like a pretty unfair trade on Yao Ming’s part – He still has to make it to the final four and Kelly Kapowski has to win immunity and keep his word – but, eh, ballers don’t roll in pick-ups, yo. I am pretty sure, though, that the producers definitely want to test Kelly Kapowski’s resolve, so expect the immunity challenge for the final four to involve human pyramids, basket tosses, spirit fingers, and/or sleeping with quarterbacks.

Additionally, with himself now in the group of losers, Yao Ming decided to send himself to VENOM AISLE, prompting THE HATER OF ALL THINGS GOOD to say, “Well, Yao Ming, you are the first in history to go from winning a reward to losing to being on Exile Island.” Really? You mean in the entire history of this one season of having an Exile Island, he is the only one to send himself there? Wow, that’s one for the books!!

Yao Ming, however, thinks he has a pretty solid plan – he feels he has guaranteed himself a pass at the final four and also now has gotten himself another clue to the whereabouts of the other hidden immunity idol.

After hitching up the mobile office to the back of the truck (wow, you mean it can tow an office? Ford rules! I am going to get one.) Kelly Kapowski, BOO!, and Stacy headed over to the nearest sweatsho…er, school…to hand out supplies such as notebooks, pens, gym equipment, and, um, did I see a box labeled board games? I don’t remember having board games in my school growing up. Oh well, I’m sure the creators of Survivor have the best interests of Fiji in mind and are totally not crippling their society in any way. Yes, armed with the knowledge of how to land on Park Place, build a mousetrap involving a man jumping into a bucket, and be PRETTY SNEAKY, SIS!! the future of Fiji is safe.

And for the teachers? A mobile office complete with computer, fax machine, and other high-tech gadgets I’m sure will come in handy. Although I do hope they left the owner’s manuals. I think I saw the algebra teacher trying to wash his shirt in the copier. Get it? Because TECHNOLOGY + FIJI = WHA????

The winners? also got to share lunch with the children and tell them how living in their land is something they would only do if they got a million dollars out of it. It was heartwarming.

Kelly Kapowski also found himself now wondering, “Hmmm…I think Yao Ming has a plan here. I don’t think he just gave me that car to be nice. I think he wants to win this game. Also, I bet it would be really hot if I lived on the sun and I would probably die if I tried to swallow a machete.” What other things are obvious? (pause) That’s right! Give yourself a pat on the back.

As a result of this epiphany, Kelly Kapowski alerts Cassandra to this possible strategy.

Kelly Kapowski: “I think Yao Ming may actually want to win this game.”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowksi: “I mean, I like the truck and everything, but do you think he was just giving it to me to secure a place in the final three?”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowski: “I bet, when he said, ‘If you win immunity in the final four, you have to give it to me’ that meant that he wants to have my immunity if I win it in the final four.”
Cassandra: “…”
Kelly Kapowski: “You’re right. We should vote him out.”
Cassandra: “I like things.”
Kelly Kapowski: “C’mere you…”

Annnd….scene!

How to explain the immunity challenge…how to explain it. Oh! I got it! Remember at the end of One Crazy Summer? You know how Hoops was horrible at basketball, but then at the end he had to throw the little ball through the hoop so that the sail would go up on the boat? You know, so they could beat Teddy and his father? Yeah, you know. One Crazy Summer. Oh, you’ve seen it. Yes you have! Demi Moore was in it. And Bobcat Goldthwait. And Booger. Hey, remember movies of the 80’s? Remember Krull?

Oh…right. The immunity challenge. So, yeah, it involved hoops…and throwing balls into hoops..and…eh, do you really care? BOO! won. And, back at the cave, Yao Ming said something like, “wow, when it involves balls and holes, you’re dead on BOO!” Heh. Yup.

While everyone is sitting around, Yao Ming and Earl go off in search of the other idol. And they found it, which means they both have an idol now. Right…

Now, with BOO! being immune from the vote tonight, it was assumed Stacy would be voted off. However, Kelly Kapowski and Cassandra approach Stacy and tell her that they would like to vote Yao Ming off. She is, of course, down like a clown. Then, she does something super weird and tells Earl she is totally fine with being voted off. Her acting abilities were scary good - like Shaq-good. Man, Shaq can act. And rap. And be normal-sized. He’s multi-awful.

Yao Ming senses that he may have a large target on his back and this is only solidified by Stacy’s words at tribal council. Although it is to be understood by Earl and Yao Ming that everyone is voting Stacy, she says there may be a split vote tonight…out loud. Of course, this makes Yao Ming use his hidden immunity idol, leaving the four votes cast for him void and the two cast for Stacy are the deciding factor, and she’s out. Bye.

So, Sunday is the finale…you know what that means, right? We get to see how THE PROBST decides to get to the studio. He usually does it in some elaborate way involving a helicopter, sports car, motorcycle, hovercraft, etc. And I love it. It’s one of my guilty pleasures, like my love of Avril Lavigne’s new song…or Punky Brewster…or the O.C…or TATU…or Crossroads (the Britney Spears one, not the Ralph Macchio one)…or, hmmmm…can I still consider them guilty pleasures if they constitute like 90% of the things I like? Hey, you know what’s a great movie? Spice World.

Until next time
Out-deal, Out-negotiate, and Out-damn, one more newsletter to go
Wayne