Anyhoo, last night’s episode opened with Alex being pretty psyched about stabbing Mokey in the back (every Doozer’s dream, right? Amen brother.) He said that vote is what ‘saved his ass.’ His psychedness reached higher levels as he watched the other six argue amongst themselves over the decision to split the vote last week. Earl wanted Alex gone and wasn’t happy with the way things turned out. “You know that guy who thinks he is the boss of everyone? The guy who really doesn’t contribute all that much or win many challenges, but still acts like he should be the leader? That’s me. My name is Earl.”
The next day, Yao Ming decided to have a chat with Earl and Cassandra about taking Stacy instead of Kelly Kapowski to the final four (hmmm, final four? Yao Ming? There must be something there…let me think about it. Nope. Nothing.) Basically, Yao Ming figures Cassandra would vote Kelly Kapowski over Yao Ming, so he wanted to ensure his safety. Cassandra tried to ease his fears, saying she wouldn’t necessarily do that. Then, to the camera, she confessed, “"I think Yao Ming is a real big threat. I know he's playing the game. He's playing it to win it." He’s playing to win it. Boring people are insightful. Did I say insightful? I mean insightLESS!!!11!!!//// SWISH!! High five!
Ah, the reward challenge. Seriously, what can I say about this one? You ever been to a kid’s birthday party where they play that ‘doughnut on a string’ game? You know the one. Where they have to eat a doughnut off a string without using their hands? Its cute and funny because they get powder and/or chocolate all over their faces, right? Well, this was sort of like that. Except instead of being cute and funny, it was more VOMIT-INDUCING and WHAT THE HELL??!! Essentially, there were these big pork roasts hanging on a string and the tribe members had to bite off hunks of meat while their hands were tied behind their backs and then bring the meat back to their plates, which were weighed at the end. The winner (=heaviest plate) and the two runners-up would win a helicopter trip to a rain forest where they would go rafting and then have lunch. The winner also could send someone to THE ISLAND OF HISS. But wait – there’s more. The winner also gets an advantage in the immunity challenge. And if they act now, they also get the paring knife, the “100 ways to filet halibut” tip book, and a spot on next season’s Surreal Life followed by a rapid descent into obscurity. Wow, WHAT A DEAL!!!!!
The challenge ended up going as disgustingly as I had figured, with everyone covered in more food than Tom Arnold after a night at the Hometown Buffet. BOO! ended up with the heaviest plate, followed by Yao Ming and Kelly Kapowski. Earl got sent to SNAKE ISLAND, while BOO! picked up his reward – a bag of something or other to help him with the immunity challenge.
As the helicopter rose above Fiji, as the beauty of the land surrounded them and they felt at peace with the world, the peace in their hearts…BOO! Heh. BOO! turned out to be one of those “uncomfortable with silence” types. He essentially had to fill any quiet moment with inane chatter and/or tongue-clicking. Kelly Kapowski was especially annoyed. And this is a girl who spent the early years of her life with Screech Powers and Richard Belding and the latter part with Ian Zering and Tori Spelling, so she knows annoying. I actually thought what he was saying was interesting, especially when he got into the whole Plato versus Aristotle discussion. He really knows how to deconstruct philosophical ideas and explain them in layman’s ter…BOO! Gotcha! He’s an idiot.
The next part of their reward was a raft down the rapids. After not eating for a long time and then working really hard at pulling pork off the bone with my teeth, I’m sure those people would like nothing better than to dig in and try to navigate the rapids of Fiji. Happy fun times! After the rafting, though, they got to park over on a beach and enjoy a picnic lunch. But wait – that’s not all! Relaxing on the beach, Yao Ming, Kelly Kapowski, and BOO! were all handed envelopes. Inside them? Letters from the family…YAY! TEARS! And, as an exclusive for my newsletter subscribers, I have obtained the rights to said letters and wish to present them to you, my loyal readers.
First, Kelly Kapowski’s:
Dear Kelly,
How R U? What is (arrow)? N2MH. NeWays, Screech has been totally bugging me lately. Even though I am totally married and have, like, three kids, he still won’t stop watching me through his binoculars from that tree outside. I mean, in high school, it was annoying, but now – a full restraining order later – it’s just plain illegal. God, I love shopping though. Hmmm, what else? Oh, Zach is almost out of jail. Three more days!! I guess that whole ‘pretending to be a terrorist to get our of jury duty’ prank went a little too far. He’s rambunctious! Slater and his life partner are coming over for dinner this weekend. I guess they just started their own website where they sell pictures of themselves wrestling each other. I am glad he is still doing what he loves. As for Jesse – well, she is still acting poorly out in Vegas. It’s a good thing she has that fat woman that used to introduce her to tell her dirty jokes. Alex? Well, we are still pretending she never existed. And Mr. Belding? Well, I hear since they caught him with all those children’s bones in his cellar and burned him alive, he has been haunting kids’ dreams.
C-ya,
Lisa Turtle
Now, Yao Ming’s:
Yao,
We really could have used you tonight. Thanks for letting us down.
Signed,
The Rockets
And, finally, BOO!’s:
BOO!
I is sumwut sorree fuh what givn you dat name.
MOM!
Also, Kelly Kapowski cried. Watching male cheerleaders cry is a lot like watching bear attacks on the Discovery Channel in that they are both awesome things that make me happy someone invented the DVR.
Also, Earl found a clue to the whereabouts of the new hidden immunity idol.
Also, this part was boring.
When they returned from their reward, both Yao Ming and Kelly Kapowski complained about BOO!’s excellence at being annoying. Kelly Kapowski said he was more annoying than the time Screech dressed up as a heart for…JESUS, ANOTHER SAVED BY THE BELL JOKE! Hm, moving on. Alex saw this as an opening and approached Kelly Kapowski about voting BOO! off. “I think we should vote off BOO! tonight,” Kelly Kapowski said, “and take Alex with us like the time Zach took me to the…” Sorry..its a sickness.
When they meet for the immunity challenge, SATAN HIMSELF asks BOO! to unveil what was in his bag. Climbing steps!! Yes. The challenge was in two parts. First, the tribesters had to dig to find three climbing steps. The first two to find their climbing steps (plus BOO!, since he already had them) move on to the second leg which was, well, climbing of course. They had to climb up a pole and get a flag. Kelly Kapowski found his steps in, like three seconds. It was pretty impressive. Well, more impressive than being a male cheerleader. So, not all that impressive, really. Alex found all of his next. And Cassandra? Well, she sucked the worst at it. Even THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND BAD IN THE WORLD called her out on it, “Cassandra…digging two inches into the ground…as if that’s where they would be,” he chided. To which Cassandra replied, “…”
So, BOO!, Kelly Kapowski, and Alex moved on to the next leg. Alex tried his best to shimmy up the pole not using the climbing steps…but remembered he was not Spider-Man and was, instead, um, Loser-Man and lost. BOO! won. Yes.
Alex, now feeling he was not long for this island, went and sulked for a bit. Cassandra went over to “talk” to him:
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “hey, I played like a gentleman”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “You know, I just wanted to come in and do something my kids would be proud of.”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “And I think I did that. Don’t you?”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “Don’t you?”
Cassandra: “…”
Alex: “Fine. Fine! You’re right. I didn’t play like a gentleman. My kids have a snake for a father. I rummaged through an old man’s pockets. I stabbed Mokey in the back. I even spit on all of you while you were sleeping and prayed for death on all of your families. I am an awful man and, oh THE HELL WITH IT!”
Cassandra:
Just kidding. He didn’t die. He instead tried to convince everyone that Yao Ming was a threat because he had the immunity idol. It almost worked on Cassandra and Kelly Kapowski. But, in the end, it didn’t…and Alex was voted off.
Until next time
Out-pork grease, Out-…, and Out-I will have more Saved by the Bell jokes next week,
Wayne
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