YOUR SURVIVOR CHINA KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

Ni-hao everyone! Its time to Survive! In China! Its time for Survivor:China! Which also means its time for newsletters! About Surviving! And exclamation points!!!!111111 Also, in case you were wonderng, “Ni-hao” is a Chinese phrase. It means “how did you use that part of your leg in between your calf and your thigh.” As in, “So, yeah, he touched you inappropriately, then what? You hurt his private parts? You used your ni? Hao? Ohhhhh…damn, that’s cold!”

I really hope that got everyone excited. I got so excited I hurt my ni. Hao? I banged it on the desk.

Moving on, this is your kick-off newsletter. For those who don’t know, this is where I introduce all of you to the colorful cast of characters we will all be meeting as we SURVIVE IN CHINA!! Did I say “colorful”? I meant “imbecilic.” Did I say “characters”? I meant “imbeciles.” So, yes, this is where I introduce you to some imbecilic imbeciles. Enjoy! IMBECILE ROLL CALL!

Aaron – According to his video, Aaron thinks his role in the tribe is going to either be “leader” or “follower.” I’m assuming he also plans on either “winning” or “not winning.” When it comes to getting along with people, he either “likes them” or “doesn’t really care for them.” His favorite book is either “the Fountainhead” or “not the Fountainhead.” I can’t decide how I feel about him, myself. He is either “really awful” or “really sucky.” Decisions, decisions. Additionally, his last name sounds like “Rice Burger,” which sounds like something Kimmy Gibbler would have called Stephanie if she totally messed up DJ’s wedding day by opting to throw rice instead of bird seed regardless of its effect on local wildlife. She would have been all, “Way to care about the birds, Rice Burger!” In fact, that is exactly what happens in my treatment of the Full House Reunion Special. Now, if only Saget would return my calls. Or my letters. Or my bricks through his window.

Amanda – Now a hiking tour guide, Amanda was crowned Miss Montana in 2005, Miss Earth in 2006, and Miss Kite of the World in China at some undisclosed time. Next year, she hopes to be crowned Miss “Some Other Made Up Pageant” 2008. Good luck Amanda. Seriously, Montana? I mean, her competition must have been Earl the Hairy Backwoods ‘Woman’ and a 3 pound bass. Also, under “favorite non-alcoholic drink,” Amanda wrote “all.” I guess she’s never tried Moxie. Or Clamato Juice. In conclusion, Amanda is a filthy liar.

Ashley – is, get this, a female wrestler. I sincerely hope Ashley makes it to the end. I mean, between the “she has man hands” jokes and throwbacks to the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper and Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake, I actually see no need to write about anyone else. Also, her bio states she was on “the cover of April 2007’s issue of Playboy.” No word on whether she was actually inside the magazine, but I WON’T REST UNTIL I FIND OUT!! More to come.

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Yes, she was.

Er, Chicken? – has worked with poultry since he was 13 years old. Hence his nickname, “Chicken.” - because he has been too afraid to leave the world of poultry and pursue his lifelong dream of playing the title role in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. See what I did there?
Also, his favorites include ATVs, hunting, fishing, country music, the Outlaw Josey Wales, Dirt Wheels magazine, beef jerky, and being a walking “You Might be a Redneck” punch line. Hey, I’m Jeff Foxworthy - You Might Be a Redneck if you wear a cowboy hat!!! Jeff Foxworthy : comedy :: Britney Spears : parenting. Yeah, I just went there.

Still, I suppose I’ll take Foxworthy over Dane Cook any day. At least he has a mustache.

Courtney – has me all confused. In one respect, she’s really cute, is from Boston, loves the Sox, and listed Oregon Trail as her favorite video game. So, I read that and I’m all, “whoa, cool…yeah! I am super into Courtney in a non-creepy stalker way.” But then, I watch her video and she’s all, “Like, I, like, am a bad girl and I, like, may clash with the Christian talk show host and I am, like, a anti-survivor, like, because, like like LIKE LIKE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!!!1111”

…and then I’m all, “bummer.”

Dave – would buy a studio to do “design” if he won the million dollars. This would be building on his year of study at prestigious Moorpark Community College and his one quarter studying computer drafting at ITT. Sounds like a good plan. I’m on board. What would I do with the million? Well, I once almost got to the 6th level of Donkey Kong when I was 8, soooo I guess I’d buy something to do with plumbing, or giant monkeys, or smashing rolling barrels with hammers. Dave and I both believe in applying ourselves and building on important life experiences. Plus, ITT is a really hard school to get into. Not only do you have to watch the commercial…but you also have to remember the phone number they say on the commercial and then push those numbers on your phone. How he lasted a quarter there, I’ll never understand. I’m calling it now – Dave will be champion. Not just of Survivor, but of THE WORLD!!

Denise – is probably my favorite person in the world right now. She meets all my base needs. School lunch lady? Check! Rides a scooter to work? Check! Knows how to repair video games? Check! Fe-mullet? Check! Favorite activities include knife throwing and axe throwing? Check! Student at Revere Karate Academy in Revere, MA? Check! I know…I’m very particular in picking favorite people.
Also…she explains that her reason for having the mullet is that “when her hair gets too long, it hurts her head…so she has to keep getting it short on the top. But she still wants to look like a girl, so she keeps it long in the back.” I think it works…she does look like that girl, BILLY RAY CYRUS. You know…Hannah Montana’s mom? She sang that song, Achy Breaky Heart. Man, she was so hot.

Erik – is a part of some band called FLOREZ. Yes, all caps. FLOREZ is currently being sued by ME for stealing my WRITING IN ALL CAPS STYLE!!!!1111 FLOREZ has also shared the stage with such artists as Sister Hazel, Better than Ezra, and Gavin Degraw. Wait, aren’t those all the same bands? Sister Hazel sang that “it was good livin’ with you” song, right? No? That was Better than Ezra? I thought Better than Ezra sang that “It’s all for you” song? Sister Hazel? Are you sure? Well, what the hell did Gavin DeGraw sing? Oh my…he’s just terrible, isn’t he?

Um, Frosti? – according to his bio, is a jolly, happy soul. He smokes a corn cob pipe and has a button nose. His hobbies include leading children through the streets of town, going thumpity, thump, thump while having people look at him go, and pausing a moment when he hears traffic cops go, “STOP!” I wonder why people call him “Frosti.” He must love those drinks at Wendy’s or something.

Jamie – says that her whole life, she has sort of been “everyone’s friend.” I’m assuming that means she’s easy, because no one wants a friend whose favorite movie is Legally Blonde. Sorry, Jamie…but its true.

James – works as a gravedigger. Has been digging graves since he was 10. In addition to digging graves SINCE HE WAS 10, his hobbies include playing first person shooter games, having a scary deep voice, and generally just FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT! Hey, James! Good luck buddy!

Jean-Robert – is a professional poker player. Being in market research is sort of like being a professional poker player. You have to use a lot of math and numbers in both. Except in professional poker playing, you get to win lots of money, play cards for a living, and live a pretty exciting life. In market research, I get to work in a cubicle, analyze perceived differences between differently priced mango formulas, and write reports on juice consumption. Edge? Market research.

Leslie – is a Christian Talk Show host. And she’s living on an island with a gravedigger, a professional poker player, and a female wrestler who enjoys posing nude? I smell a sitcom!!

Peih-Gee – When asked if being Chinese is going to give her an advantage on this season of Survivor, she answers, “I don’t know. I feel like a tiger that’s been raised in captivity and they’re like, ‘here, go out in the wild’ and, you know, how much of that do I feel like I can really adapt to?” Peih-Gee’s hobbies include snowboarding, scuba diving, and “making no sense whatsoever.”

Sherea – According to her bio, Sherea has a twin sister named Maria. While Sherea’s lived most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Barclay Square, Maria’s only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights. What a crazy pair! Also, whereas Sherea enjoys a minuet, The Ballet Russes, and crepe suzette, Maria loves to rock and roll and a hot dog makes her lose control. What a wild duet. But they’re sisters! They’re twin sisters and you’ll find…they laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike. Seriously, you can lose your mind when sisters are two of a kind.

Yep, I had nothing to write about Sherea…so I just basically copied and pasted in the Patty Duke theme song switching out Patty’s and Cathy’s names for Sherea’s and Maria’s. What do you want from me? There are 16 contestants. Sorry.

Todd – is a flight attendant, loves Running With Scissors, the Spice Girls, and sitting down with an Iced Venti Non-Fat White Chocolate Mocha from Starbuck’s while watching Desperate Housewives. Can you guess the mystery fact about Todd?

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Yep, you guessed it - he lives in Utah. Also, his hair makes him look like Ace Ventura. Let’s hope Todd is not a la-hoo-sa-her. Get it? Because Jim Carey says that in the movie. The Ace Ventura movie. Of which Todd’s hair is reminiscent. MOVIE REFERENCES=LOLZZZ!!!!111111

So, there you have it. Excited yet? I know. Me neither. But, hey, remember ANDRE THE GIANT?? Me too!

Now, before you go getting too excited, I have a little bad news. I will actually be out of town for the first episode. I know. I know. We are taking the kids to Disney and I won’t be back until early next week. I would love love LOVE to write your recap from “the world” but I think plugging in your laptop at the most magical place on Earth is grounds for immediate execution. Seriously, I think I read it on our park hopper. It gives Mickey a LICENSE TO KILL. I would fully expect a knock on my hotel room door from a lead pipe wielding Queen of Hearts and a gun-toting Cruella DeVille if I were to even attempt it. Well, think about it. Why would the mouse even keep those two around if not for the carrying out of some unseemly affairs? I mean, one wanted to turn puppies into a fur coat and the other wanted to decapitate a little girl. Yeah, let’s let those two entertain children. Awesome idea. Sickos.

So, anyways, I will still write the recap, but it will be a little late.

Enjoy!
Wayne