Let me first apologize for the late recap. As I mentioned in the kick-off, I was vacationing at the House of Mouse over the past few days. Yes, it was a great time…although a word of warning – Mickey totally doesn’t appreciate a drunken idiot throwing pieces of cheddar at him and calling him a fraud. Just a heads-up. The Disney security staff was also quite handsy.
Anyhoo, there is a lot to get to from last night’s episode, so let’s get getting.
The show started off with our new survivors meeting THE DEVIL JEFF PROBST at a Buddhist temple for a “traditional welcome ceremony.” I’m sure this was probably the first traditional Buddhist welcome ceremony that included a fishnetted, lip-ringed WWE Diva, a gay Mormon flight attendant, and THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS JEFF PROBST. Throughout the ceremony, we were treated to clips of some really intelligent observations and a ton of respect for other cultures. Did you seriously just believe that? Have you ever even seen this show before? Courtney, the waitress from New York, saw it as a bother, “I’m not trying to be a monk here. I’m tired; I want to go sit back with a lemonade, I don’t wanna be like bowing 37 times. We bowed for like days, I swear to God.” Already? She’s already tired? She wants to go sit back with a lemonade? She does know what show this is, right? Maybe she thought it was that MTV show. You know. What’s it called? Oh yeah – Super Annoying People You Want to Kill.
Also, in the middle of the ceremony (which was already designated as a non-worship ceremony), Leslie – the Christian talk show host – got up and left because she is a “believer in Jesus Christ and in the Bible it said thou shall not bow down to any other god. It really felt like worship." Hmm, I’m pretty sure it says nothing about bowing down to other gods in the bible. She must have the all-aerobic version. Additionally, Leslie has in the past refused to tie her shoe in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant and pick up loose change under her TV when Clash of the Titans is on. You know…because she has to bow. Hey, you know what’s funny? Super religious people. FLANDERS!!
Chicken? also referred to the whole thing as being like a carnival. And do you know what happens at carnivals? That’s right. Freaks bite heads off of chickens. Ooooooh…foreshadowing.
After the ceremony, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS tells all of our new “friends” that they will have to leave their suitcases behind and travel to their camps with only the clothes on their backs. Hulkamania was totally wearing fishnets and knee-high stripper boots. Sherea had on heels. Jaime wasn’t wearing a bra. Again, I have to ask. What show did these people think they were trying out for? I mean, on the off chance that maybe this would happen (as it has in the past) wouldn’t you dress a little more for the part?
THE DEVIL then divided everyone into two tribes: the yellow Zhan-Hu (“Fighting Tiger”) tribe – Frosti?, Dave (former model), Braless Jaime, Erik the Viking, Peih-Gee (pronounced P.G., also sporting a permanent booger under her nose), Sherea, Superfly Snooka, and um Chicken; and the red Fei Long (“Flying Dragon”) tribe – Jean-Robert (the ample-bellied poker player), Leslie (Buddha-hater), Amanda (pretty hot, but I can’t stop saying the phrase “hug and kiss” after her name, which is a bit off-putting), Courtney (Bowing-hater), Denise (my mulleted lunch-lady love..HOAGIES AND GRINDERS, HOAGIES AND GRINDERS), James (“I bury bodies”), Todd (the gay Mormon flight attendant), and Aaron (??).
After arriving at her camp, Courtney gets pretty annoyed at the positive comments expressed by her fellow tribe members. "I seemed to be marooned in a land of flight attendants and Sunday school teachers. This is like my own private hell,” she mourned. She then went on to say she was a waitress in New York…like this is some sort of important job. Ugh, I really hate this girl. Look, anyone can get a job waiting tables. I don’t know if you know this or not, but waitressing is typically a job people take while looking for other jobs, Courtney. I really cannot stand this whole uprising of self-importance being expressed by the waitresses and baristas of the world. The problem is, guys probably say, “wow a waitress, huh? That must be a really interesting job” a lot. I hate to break it to you, but picking up people’s dropped forks and being able to insert anyone’s name into the “Happy Birthday” song is not interesting at all. Unless maybe you are a waitress at Bennigan’s…because then you at least could tell me how they make that delicious Monte Cristo sandwich.
As an aside, my wife suggested I start calling Courtney “Powder” because her ultra-white skin reminds her of the bald dude with super powers in that movie starring Jeff Goldblum (“I'm just saying that that's more than albino, Doug. That is spooky.”.) But, I swear I called someone Powder already in another season. Can anyone confirm this? Has this newsletter jumped the shark?
Meanwhile, Jean-Robert pulls Todd aside for a private heart-to-heart where he tells Todd he doesn’t actually believe he is a flight attendant. He says that he knows Todd is crafty and devious and that he will be watching him. He then goes on to explain to us that he was using his poker-playing skills to read Todd and that his conversation “was deliberate. I wanted him to know, listen, I know that you’re the clever guy. I’m on to you." Jean-Robert says that his poker-playing skills are going to help in this game. I love when people say that. Junkyard Dog also said that being a professional wrestler is going to help her in the game because of the competitive nature of that “sport.” You’re a professional wrestler. No, scratch that…you’re a wrestling “diva” – whatever that is. Competition? Whaaaa? Any profession that employs both Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Honky Tonk Man seems highly competitive. And you’re a diva to boot. You are, however, winning the “who has the fakest breasts?” competition. You go, girl. Can you smell what the Rock’s been cooking? Wrestling??
I don’t know about Jean-Robert’s poker skills, but I am pretty amazed at how he gets his pants to stay up with that ginormous gut constantly pushing them down. Good show.
Also happening at the Zhan-Hu tribe? People not liking each other. SHOCKING! Chicken? had some suggestions on how the tribe could build a shelter. Did I say suggestions? I meant constant criticism. “y’really think that’ll stay up,” he would say, condescendingly. “that there t’aint big enough fer to live in,” he continued. “I’m er gonna git them Duke boys. Yee-haw!” he mentioned.
Wow, 3 pages and no challenge yet. I’m awesome.
Everyone really hated all of that, and Chicken? totally understood that, so he backed off. Talking to the camera, he said he was done offerin’ suggestions. Then he made some moonshine and watched NASCAR.
Back at Fei Long Duck Dong, Flanders (Leslie) approached James tha Gravediggah in an attempt to get to know him better. When she asked him what he did for a living, he answered, “I bury bodies.” Gave me the chills. Reminded me of Candyman. Mmmm, candy. Man.
At sunrise the next day, Hulk Hogan was all hunched over in pain. She appeared to be vomiting, although I didn’t really see anything come out of her mouth. Fake vomiting? Jesus, is there anything real about this chick? She then said that she’s wrestled with a fever of 104 before. I initially thought she meant she wrestled sick, but she actually meant she has grappled with the wrestler, Fever of 104, before. His signature move, the cold sweat, is deadly. Dave, also, is not impressed with the Hulkster. “Hulkamania is not running rampant in my town,” he was saddened to say. Then he went on to say, and this was actually true, “I thought [Ashley] would be a much stronger person considering her profession.” Er, um. She’s a professional wrestler. Ever seen, oh I don’t know, G.L.O.W., for instance? Sure, Hollywood was in good shape, but Big Bad Mama? Think she’d last 39 days? No? You’ve never seen G.L.O.W.? The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling? Yes, G.L.O.W. You haven’t lived, man. You haven’t lived.
Before the immunity challenge, while reading ‘The Art of War’ (Hey, did we mention this season is in China? General Tso??) Todd said they should elect Aaron as the leader. He said it was part of his strategy. “I’m very smart in trying to push the leader role onto Aaron because I don’t want to take that position.” What position did he want to take? Pole Position. Hey, remember playing in the arcade?
The immunity challenge consisted of the teams hoisting either a dragon or a tiger ceremonial mascot through a maze, then one person jumping walls and such to retrieve a key to open a gate, thereby allowing them to enter a place where they have to slide their poles into these slots with specific shapes in them. There would really be only one place for each pole to go. It was sort of like those tests where you have to put the blocks into the right-shaped holes to prove you’re not mentally challenged. They ended up doing ok…but I still have my doubts.
Also, Frosti? and tha Gravediggah can climb some walls, yo.
I also think that guy Erik was in the show as well. I think.
In the end, Fei Long Duck Dong won…thus getting both immunity and a flint to start their fire. Back at the Zhan-Hu (Who? Zhan. Who? Zhan!!) camp, Peih-Gee was displeased and took out her frustration on the dimwitted Chicken? by demanding he give an opinion on the shelter. Chicken? responded by saying
In the end, Chicken?’s backwoods antics proved to be too down-home fer these city folk and he got voted out.
Also, on the blog side, I may be posting 2 new seasons just found (thanks Robyn!!). It’s the Palau season and Vanuatu season…you thought last season’s Saved by the Bell jokes were too much? Wait until you see how much I talk about Robocop. So keep your eye on the blog. Again, that address is:
http://noteyeofthetiger.blogspot.com/
Until next time
Wayne
1 comment:
Well written article.
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