The first show of the Season started off with Probst giving us our introduction to Palau. Basically, it’s the same place they go every season, but this time there are planes in the water. And they say the ghost of Winston Churchill has roamed these waters for decades, looking for his lost teddy bear. BEWARE EVIL! Actually, that’s not true….Winston is a friendly ghost. It’s his mischievous brothers you have to watch out for…the rascals!
Anyways, we are introduced to our Survivors right away as they are paddling a boat in the garbage-infested waters of Palau. Then the Probst comes over and drops some mad bombs on their respective asses. He says that the first man and the first woman to reach the island will win instant immunity. They were all “whoa” and the Probst was all “hell yeah! It is so on.” Being a mile away from shore, they all paddled their little hearts out. Well, except for Wanda, who figured that the boat could go faster if it was powered by annoyance. Wanda sang and sang and sang and sang. She said that she has a bunch of songs prepared for Survivor. To which I replied, “I have a lot of hating Wanda prepared for this season.” See what I did there? No? Well, you aren’t very smart then, are you?
Stephenie and Jonathan proved they were really dumb by deciding that they could swim faster than 18 people paddling a boat. Well, Stephenie proved that. Jonathan proved he wanted to get laid…by Stephenie. Of course, the boat went faster, as boats often do. Ian and Jolanda reached the shore first. Ian seems very spastic. Ian? More like Annoying Ian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!! LOL LMAO LSHISMPAHTGGNOATS!!
After brief introductions, the Survivors broke into groups…water gatherers, shelter builders, and storm troopers…what? Immediately, Coby and Marilyn Manson felt a strong bond because they both felt like outcasts. Marilyn because he hasn’t really been a strong name since “Dope Show” and Coby because, well, we all know why….he collects Pokemon cards obviously. And everyone knows that Digimon is where it’s at now. So, they’re a couple of misfits. They’re a couple of misfits. What’s the matter with misfits? Why don’t they fit in?
The next morning, the Probst said something that straight up got me trippin’ boo. He said that Ian and Jolanda would only hold their immunity for ten more minutes. They would have to pick teams, alternating between boy and girl, ala Dodgeball. The last two people left would have to leave…just like that. It ended up being Jonathan and Wanda…I was so torn on how to feel with Wanda leaving. On one hand, she would have been comic gold. On the other hand. I had already punctured one ear drum to drown her out, could I afford to lose one more? My wife pointed out that Jonathan was probably more unhappy about being stranded on a boat with Wanda than about actually leaving the island. Fortunately, we were treated to Wanda singing “The Flabby Grandma Arms Song.” Oh, and Coby totally abandoned Marilyn Manson. Pokemon collecting isn’t as much of a taboo as it once was.
So, now we had our teams – Ulong and Koror. And, yeah, that’s about all I can say on that.
The first challenge was both an immunity and reward challenge..the Probst never stops. They had to grab all these heavy supplies and do a bunch of stuff…I was pretty drunk by now, so the details are blurry. I think it involved pit bulls and F-16’s though. I think. Ulong lost and they blamed Jolanda for saying they should take everything. I think they should blame themselves for being the suckiest bunch of sucks that every sucked. Koror won immunity, the supplies they gathered, and the choice of a new, unknown campsite, or the one they already were at. Being totally dumb, they chose a new site. On their way to the new site, carrying all their supplies, their boat tipped…sending all their winnings to the bottom of the ocean. Underwater cameras revealed Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett wearing shark fin hats, tipping the outrigger over. Why were they wearing shark fins? Because they are both huge JabberJaw fans. Nyuk! Nyuk Nyuk!
In Ulong, both Marilyn Manson and Jolanda were in jeopardy. Marilyn Manson for being so pasty and Jolanda for being so bossy. In the end, Jolanda was voted off…good thing…I am thinking Marilyn Manson should be fun to write about.
Until next time
Outgoth, Out-Pokemon, and Out-drop some mad bombs
Wayne
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