Man, I love this show. It’s so full of the things I love – like action and humor and suspense and heart…and there is always a lesson somewhere. You can always walk away from it having learned something. And, I don’t know, I just feel so connected to everyone on it. Whenever the credits roll, I find myself already awaiting the next installment. Plus, it has a robot. Oh, hey…I didn’t see you there. I was just watching an episode of Riptide. Survivor? Oh no, that show is god awful. Riptide, though. Man, Riptide is da bomb. Riptide. ROBOZ!!!111
The show last night opened with the early morning goings-on at the Fei Long camp. Jerk-Fatgut was all happy about not going home the night before at tribal council. He feels like he has really stepped up his work ethic and that people are seeing that. What am I seeing? The blur above his waistband. Eww. Jerk-Fatgut? More like…oh wait, Jerk-Fatgut fits pretty good here. Also, he pissed Ally McAnnoying off by yelling at her to NOT BURN HERSELF! Yeah, she almost burned herself on a pot, so JF warned her not to touch it. So she wouldn’t burn herself. Be careful, Jerk-Fatgut. She seems full of defiance. I heard her Dad once yelled at her to eat a cheeseburger and we all can see how that turned out. I wish someone would yell at her to stop being alive.
Well, at least things are better over at the Zhan Hu (John Woo? SMACK!!11) camp, right? You couldn’t be any more wronger. After discovering mold at the bottom of their rice sack, Dave and Sherea BE FIGHTIN’ Y’ALL!
Sherea: I separated out the moldy pieces from the non-moldy pieces
Dave: Just put the clean pieces somewhere so you don’t mix the moldy pieces back in there
Sherea: Where?
Dave: I don’t know, man, just think of something
Sherea: (to herself) Man? Did he just call me man? (audible gasp) He knows! Time to deflect…(to Dave) I JUST SEPARATED OUT ALL THESE PENI…! I MEAN, PIECES!
Dave: Just don’t throw away those clam shells.
Sherea: I am going to throw away those shells. I am not a man.
Dave: Don’t! I was collecting them for my mom
Everyone: LOLLLZZZZZZZZZZZ!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nelson: HA-HA!!!
Erik: I am also here.
Frosti? tried to step in the middle of them, but the heat was too intense and he melted. Because he is a snowman. I still don’t really understand why she stole his shells. She must really hate Dave and his mom.
Upon receiving tree mail, the tribes learn that the reward challenge will take place on the tribal council grounds. To which everyone was like, “OH MAN! NO WAY! HOLY HECK!!” And I was like, “Um.” Seriously, is that a big deal? Maybe I haven’t been watching this show close enough. Oh man…they had a helicopter on Riptide, too. That show was AWESOME!!111 CAPS LOCK!!!!1////
The challenge required teams of two to carry these fireballs with giant chopsticks (CHINA!!) across the course and then drop them into a wok (CHINESE!!!11), where they will set off some fireworks (CHINATOWN!) Hey, did you guys know this show takes place in China?
Todd and Denise led Fei Long to an early lead, because every Friday is Lo Mein day in the cafeteria. “Yesterday’s Spaghetti and Meatballs is today’s Lo Mein,” belched Denise. Fei Long rode that early lead to the end and won. Zhan Hu, conversely, lost. What’d Fei Long win? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. What’d Zhan Hu lose? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. C’mon. Stay with me.
Also, Fei Long kidnapped Dave. And held him for a ransom of five shells. His mom was heard to be clenching her fists and yelling “SHEREA!!!” to the heavens. Huh?
Dave ended up giving his hidden immunity idol clue to Todd. That is all I have to say about that.
At Zhan Hu, without Dave, everyone found themselves struggling with the workload because he was always doing a lot of the work. Everyone chipped in, though, to get it done. Everyone except Sherea, who said she was conserving her energy for the challenges. “If they want to keep working, that’s okay with me. I’m gonna ride the work horse till the tails fall off, because I’m not doing anything till I have to." To which the work horse replied, “well, that’s pretty inconsiderate.” Erik then said, “I’m getting frustrated because I’m just tired and I feel like some people are ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” I’m sorry. I fell asleep. My God. He is boring.
Fei Long, meanwhile, was subjected to Dave’s “Dave-iness.” CASE IN POINT: Upon receiving a lime from GRAVEDIGGGAHHH! Dave tried to give him a hug, to which GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!! Responded, “Man, you ok…I told you about the huggin.” Dave was like, “yeah…oh yeah. Sorry about that.” So, there was a first hugging experience that CBS decided not to show us? I hope its in the deleted scenes on the DVD. Not that I would buy it. I wouldn’t. What…you don’t believe me? I wouldn’t, man. I hate the show just like you. C’mon. I’m serious. Please don’t stop being my friend.
Then came the fisherman and his family. Upon seeing the family, GRAVEDIGGAH was like, “They have childrens” Yep. Childrens – which wasn’t funny because he could beat me up. What was funny? The Lunchlady, in talking about how excited she was about this reward, said “this is the best reward we ever had. The fisherman came. The family came. I am so glad to have this reward. The children are so pretty.” Hmm…the children were so pretty? The Lunchlady said this. I don’t wanna make any unnecessary accusations, but if Lunchlady Denise asks any of you kids to come in back to help her “tenderize the meatloaf,” run. Run as fast as you can. And gather all your friends. Because nobody likes a tough meatloaf. You ungrateful little bastards.
So, yeah, the fisherman and his family sort of taught them how to fish. He actually just showed them how he used his trained birds to catch fish. So, to review, catch some birds first. Then, train them to catch fish and bring them back to you. Then, you will have fish. Good luck, guys! Seriously, though, it was cool how they got the birds to fish for them. It reminded me of that movie where that guy, Dar, can talk to the animals and he uses them to help avenge his father. You know. The movie where the guy looks sort of like Conan and he is like a “master” of “beasts.” Like, he masters beasts. Oh, what was that movie? Damn. I think it was Beast…something. Beast…Beast. I got it. Beauty and the Beast! Remember when the dishes were singing?
Also, Jerk-Fatgut showed us all his talents go beyond just being flabby and annoying. He also speaks Mandarin. Yep. He just started spouting off all this Mandarin to the fisherman family. Oh, 反射-fatgut. You’re the coolest.
Hey, remember when I said that funny thing that Lunchlady said. That wasn’t all. She then went on to talk about the food, “Oh my god, after being out here all this time, flavor has never tasted so good. You know, a lunch lady is not an expert on food. We take the chicken nuggets out of the freezer and feed them to the kids. But that, today, was the most delicatest thing I ever put in my mouth.” Remember when I wouldn’t make fun of GRAVEDIGGERR!! because he could beat me up? Well, same deal here. Also, the cuisine in the Douglas, MA school system sounds, er, awesome. It’s the delicatest!!
The immunity challenge came next. Basically, the tribe members had to dress up as Shredder (CHINESE!!!) and throw things at porcelain vases (CHINACHINACHINA!!!). The tribe that breaks the most vases wins. It was pretty boring, so instead of describing how it went, I’ll just transcribe the opening lyrics to the Ninja Rap song that Vanilla Ice sang in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze:
YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
The show last night opened with the early morning goings-on at the Fei Long camp. Jerk-Fatgut was all happy about not going home the night before at tribal council. He feels like he has really stepped up his work ethic and that people are seeing that. What am I seeing? The blur above his waistband. Eww. Jerk-Fatgut? More like…oh wait, Jerk-Fatgut fits pretty good here. Also, he pissed Ally McAnnoying off by yelling at her to NOT BURN HERSELF! Yeah, she almost burned herself on a pot, so JF warned her not to touch it. So she wouldn’t burn herself. Be careful, Jerk-Fatgut. She seems full of defiance. I heard her Dad once yelled at her to eat a cheeseburger and we all can see how that turned out. I wish someone would yell at her to stop being alive.
Well, at least things are better over at the Zhan Hu (John Woo? SMACK!!11) camp, right? You couldn’t be any more wronger. After discovering mold at the bottom of their rice sack, Dave and Sherea BE FIGHTIN’ Y’ALL!
Sherea: I separated out the moldy pieces from the non-moldy pieces
Dave: Just put the clean pieces somewhere so you don’t mix the moldy pieces back in there
Sherea: Where?
Dave: I don’t know, man, just think of something
Sherea: (to herself) Man? Did he just call me man? (audible gasp) He knows! Time to deflect…(to Dave) I JUST SEPARATED OUT ALL THESE PENI…! I MEAN, PIECES!
Dave: Just don’t throw away those clam shells.
Sherea: I am going to throw away those shells. I am not a man.
Dave: Don’t! I was collecting them for my mom
Everyone: LOLLLZZZZZZZZZZZ!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nelson: HA-HA!!!
Erik: I am also here.
Frosti? tried to step in the middle of them, but the heat was too intense and he melted. Because he is a snowman. I still don’t really understand why she stole his shells. She must really hate Dave and his mom.
Upon receiving tree mail, the tribes learn that the reward challenge will take place on the tribal council grounds. To which everyone was like, “OH MAN! NO WAY! HOLY HECK!!” And I was like, “Um.” Seriously, is that a big deal? Maybe I haven’t been watching this show close enough. Oh man…they had a helicopter on Riptide, too. That show was AWESOME!!111 CAPS LOCK!!!!1////
The challenge required teams of two to carry these fireballs with giant chopsticks (CHINA!!) across the course and then drop them into a wok (CHINESE!!!11), where they will set off some fireworks (CHINATOWN!) Hey, did you guys know this show takes place in China?
Todd and Denise led Fei Long to an early lead, because every Friday is Lo Mein day in the cafeteria. “Yesterday’s Spaghetti and Meatballs is today’s Lo Mein,” belched Denise. Fei Long rode that early lead to the end and won. Zhan Hu, conversely, lost. What’d Fei Long win? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. What’d Zhan Hu lose? A visit from some fisherman and his family to teach them how to fish and prepare them a fishy meal. C’mon. Stay with me.
Also, Fei Long kidnapped Dave. And held him for a ransom of five shells. His mom was heard to be clenching her fists and yelling “SHEREA!!!” to the heavens. Huh?
Dave ended up giving his hidden immunity idol clue to Todd. That is all I have to say about that.
At Zhan Hu, without Dave, everyone found themselves struggling with the workload because he was always doing a lot of the work. Everyone chipped in, though, to get it done. Everyone except Sherea, who said she was conserving her energy for the challenges. “If they want to keep working, that’s okay with me. I’m gonna ride the work horse till the tails fall off, because I’m not doing anything till I have to." To which the work horse replied, “well, that’s pretty inconsiderate.” Erik then said, “I’m getting frustrated because I’m just tired and I feel like some people are ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” I’m sorry. I fell asleep. My God. He is boring.
Fei Long, meanwhile, was subjected to Dave’s “Dave-iness.” CASE IN POINT: Upon receiving a lime from GRAVEDIGGGAHHH! Dave tried to give him a hug, to which GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!! Responded, “Man, you ok…I told you about the huggin.” Dave was like, “yeah…oh yeah. Sorry about that.” So, there was a first hugging experience that CBS decided not to show us? I hope its in the deleted scenes on the DVD. Not that I would buy it. I wouldn’t. What…you don’t believe me? I wouldn’t, man. I hate the show just like you. C’mon. I’m serious. Please don’t stop being my friend.
Then came the fisherman and his family. Upon seeing the family, GRAVEDIGGAH was like, “They have childrens” Yep. Childrens – which wasn’t funny because he could beat me up. What was funny? The Lunchlady, in talking about how excited she was about this reward, said “this is the best reward we ever had. The fisherman came. The family came. I am so glad to have this reward. The children are so pretty.” Hmm…the children were so pretty? The Lunchlady said this. I don’t wanna make any unnecessary accusations, but if Lunchlady Denise asks any of you kids to come in back to help her “tenderize the meatloaf,” run. Run as fast as you can. And gather all your friends. Because nobody likes a tough meatloaf. You ungrateful little bastards.
So, yeah, the fisherman and his family sort of taught them how to fish. He actually just showed them how he used his trained birds to catch fish. So, to review, catch some birds first. Then, train them to catch fish and bring them back to you. Then, you will have fish. Good luck, guys! Seriously, though, it was cool how they got the birds to fish for them. It reminded me of that movie where that guy, Dar, can talk to the animals and he uses them to help avenge his father. You know. The movie where the guy looks sort of like Conan and he is like a “master” of “beasts.” Like, he masters beasts. Oh, what was that movie? Damn. I think it was Beast…something. Beast…Beast. I got it. Beauty and the Beast! Remember when the dishes were singing?
Also, Jerk-Fatgut showed us all his talents go beyond just being flabby and annoying. He also speaks Mandarin. Yep. He just started spouting off all this Mandarin to the fisherman family. Oh, 反射-fatgut. You’re the coolest.
Hey, remember when I said that funny thing that Lunchlady said. That wasn’t all. She then went on to talk about the food, “Oh my god, after being out here all this time, flavor has never tasted so good. You know, a lunch lady is not an expert on food. We take the chicken nuggets out of the freezer and feed them to the kids. But that, today, was the most delicatest thing I ever put in my mouth.” Remember when I wouldn’t make fun of GRAVEDIGGERR!! because he could beat me up? Well, same deal here. Also, the cuisine in the Douglas, MA school system sounds, er, awesome. It’s the delicatest!!
The immunity challenge came next. Basically, the tribe members had to dress up as Shredder (CHINESE!!!) and throw things at porcelain vases (CHINACHINACHINA!!!). The tribe that breaks the most vases wins. It was pretty boring, so instead of describing how it went, I’ll just transcribe the opening lyrics to the Ninja Rap song that Vanilla Ice sang in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze:
YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:
Chorus: Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP! GO GO GO Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO! Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO! GO GO GO GO
I think he wants us to GO. No problem, Vanilla. Let’s break outta here. Word to your mutha!
Oh, I almost forgot. Fei Long won.
Zhan Hu was then left with the decision of who to vote out. It was between Dave and Sherea. Dave annoys everyone, true, but Sherea does absolutely nothing around camp. Upon being confronted about his upcoming decision at tribal council by Dave, Erik responded, “Look bro, I don’t know bro. I am not sure bro. Bro Bro Bro BORING!”
In the end, Zhan Hu made the non-understandablest decision and voted out Dave. “Hey, I don’t mind getting nothing done around camp…so long as I am not annoyed.” Makes sense, guys. You are totally going to do awesome.
So, that means we say goodbye to both John Clement and Meridith. Erm, see you guys! It was fun while it lasted, right? No? Well, it lasted.
Until next time
Wayne
I think he wants us to GO. No problem, Vanilla. Let’s break outta here. Word to your mutha!
Oh, I almost forgot. Fei Long won.
Zhan Hu was then left with the decision of who to vote out. It was between Dave and Sherea. Dave annoys everyone, true, but Sherea does absolutely nothing around camp. Upon being confronted about his upcoming decision at tribal council by Dave, Erik responded, “Look bro, I don’t know bro. I am not sure bro. Bro Bro Bro BORING!”
In the end, Zhan Hu made the non-understandablest decision and voted out Dave. “Hey, I don’t mind getting nothing done around camp…so long as I am not annoyed.” Makes sense, guys. You are totally going to do awesome.
So, that means we say goodbye to both John Clement and Meridith. Erm, see you guys! It was fun while it lasted, right? No? Well, it lasted.
Until next time
Wayne
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