SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE III: YEAH, THE LUNCHLADY GOT A BLUR LASTNIGHT…EWWW!

Hey everyone. Guess what!! I got about 5 hours of sleep lastnight! Know what that means for you? A wicked crappy newsletter! Know what that means for me? Hallucinations! Exclamation points!!

Last night’s show began with the girls of the Fei Long tribe actively avoiding Jerk-Fatgut’s, um, fat gut as he tries desperately to use his time on the island to finally understand what all the “fuss about girls” is. He used the old ‘looking for warmth’ line on all of em…Ah, if I had a nickel, huh? Courtney complained, “Like I’m going to keep anyone warm! I weigh seven pounds…I can’t even keep myself warm! Get off of me!" Seven pounds, eh? I’d say that’s about right. Man, dat girl so skinny…she be wearing a LiveStrong bracelet as a belt. OOOOOOH! MAN!. No, no…she so skinny, she use her legs to floss her teeth. AW DAWG!! That girl so skinny, she’s about two days away from developing an exo-skeleton. NO HE DIDN’T!!!! Cheeseburgers be like Kryptonite, y’all. Kryptonite!

After a night of trying to escape the abyss that is Jerk-Fatgut’s belly button, Fei Long woke up grumpy and in need of breakfast. GRAVEDIGGER!!!! caught a crab in his net and they all fought about how to prepare it. “I want to boil it and make a sauce for rice,” said Courtney. “I want to just eat it whole,” exclaimed Aaron. “I think we should make a stew,” bellowed GRAVEDIGGAH!!! “I just ate Leslie,’ said Jerk-Fatgut. In the end, they made a stew, because everyone is scared of THE GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!! He then went on to say, er, um…something. I think he mentioned Crocodile Dundee. I don’t really know. I honestly cannot understand a word he says.

Back at Zhan Hu, people are also not being happy. Dave, having already blown one challenge due to his being low on energy, high on suckiness, continues to try and look super duper by doing every chore around camp. Peih-Gee tells him he needs to conserve his energy for the challenges and rest a little, thus aggravating the former model. Frosti? was also annoyed by Dave. You know what else is annoying? On my DVD of Frosty the Snowman, they also included Frosty Returns. Frosty Returns – where John Goodman does the voice of Frosty and Jonathan Winters is some sort of elf narrator thing. God awful. Why didn’t they include Frosty’s Winter Wonderland? Same Frosty voice…and he gets married! And Jack Frost is in it! And Andy Griffith! And they make a snow-preacher! Some things really burn me up!

As the teams met for the reward challenge, THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER tells them what they have to do. Each tribe will be on opposite boat decks and will have to either cross or wait for the other team to cross to their boat deck and then throw the other team off. Last one standing wins. It was also set up as men against men and women against women…and Denise. The lunchlady. Winning tribe gets stinky blankets and pillows.

The women of Zhan Hu (Sherea, Jaime, and Peih-Gee) make quick work of the Fei Long Females (Amanda and Leslie) and Denise first. Then came disgusting thing #1 of this challenge. Dave, the former model, strips naked. I guess he thought this was some sort of advantage. But, in this era of Borat and Jackass, rolling around with a naked man’s crotch inches from your face is no longer considered gross. In fact, its now hilarious. Get with the times Dave. So, the guys of Zhan-Hu (Dave, Frosti?, and Erik…who?) were bested by the guys of Fei Long (Aaron, Jerk-Fatgut, and GRAVEDIGGERRR). Score? 1-1. Disgusting thing #2 came as the females lined up again. The lunchlady had now stripped down to her “underwear” and, oh god, the horror. It looks like she’s eaten way too many hoagies and grinders. And navy beans. And meatloaf sandwiches. And Sloppy Joes…Slop, Sloppy Joes. And…I seriously am holding the vomit back at this point. I’ll just skip to the end. Zhan Hu won. And they kidnapped Leslie, who got another bamboo tube, which strongly resembled the anorexic Courtney. Because she’s skinny. And a tube is as well. She is skinny like a bamboo tube. Ugh, moving on.

Leslie really enjoyed her time with Zhan Hu because they had a positive vibe about them. “I’m here to love people and to show them the love of Christ and I can see that they appreciate that here," said the religious freak. Yes, I’m sure they do. Dave then got naked again and stabbed Peih-Gee in the heart. Leslie felt so at ease she let her new God-fearing friends know that Aaron was in charge of things over at Fei Long. Leslie? More like, erm…Stupid Leslie. SWISH!

Back at Fei Long, while collecting firewood, Ally McSkinny and Todd (jeesh…a gay Mormon flight attendant and I can’t think of one nickname?) overhear a really intelligent conversation between Jerk-Fatgut and GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! The conversation started with them talking about who the weakest members of the tribe were. After Jerk-Fatgut said Courtney was, GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! mumbled a lot. Then Jerk-Fatgut started teasing him about being into Courtney. The exchange went something like this:

Jerk-Fatgut: “You like her, huh?”
GRAVEDIGGERRRRR: “Imanhfummndy kdmnfred”
Jerk-Fatgut: “The only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass!”
GRAVEDIGGERR: (laughing) “hubbity bee zabbafrgald”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Man, I like sex. And boobs.”
GRAVEDIGGERR: “d”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Dude, I can’t wait to drink some beer and get some chicks!”
GRAVEDIGGERRR: “ghu”
Jerk-Fatgut: “I have a sad life”
(and they embrace)

Of course, Ally McNeedsasandwich and Todd are taken aback by this exchange. Todd even says he is going to strangle him. But, I am pretty sure, at his size, it would probably turn into more of a piggy-back ride than a fatal strangling. Todd then says its time to get rid of Jerk-Fatgut and GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Todd menacingly told the camera, “As far as I’m concerned, James and Jean- Robert are the trash. Maybe it will happen tomorrow. Maybe it will happen in 2 days. Maybe it will happen in 3 days. Maybe 4 days. Maybe 7 days. Maybe in 9 days. But, after 9 days trash gets stinky. They gotta go." Seriously. That was his threatening speech. He then went on to say, “It’s been 7 days on the island. But for me, it feels more like 13 days. Because the first day, everything was new and exciting and it went by so fast, it was like a half day. The second day, though, we were all really tired and crabby, so that day felt more like a day and a half. The third day, I actually slept most of the morning, but I worked really hard in the afternoon, so that averaged to about a regular day…” Then Courtney stabbed him with her protruding backbone. Is it getting harder and harder to distinguish what really happened in the show from my maniacal ramblings? Good. I almost have you where I want you.

Leslie also gave Jaime Courtn…er, I mean the bamboo tube. Man, that joke never gets old. It, of course, contained a clue to the hidden immunity idol. The end.

Next up…the immunity challenge. Four tribe members had to take turns chopping at these ropes which would release these bundles of discs. Once all four bundles were released, the remaining two members would then try to stack them on a puzzle post thing and then drag it over the finish line. A puzzle post now? I thought the puzzles were getting a bit ridiculous…every challenge...jeez. But, this is CBS. They know their target demo, man. Old people love puzzles. And cats. And smelling like mothballs.

Now, Fei Long sends out Ally McCantdoanything first for them. And, man did she struggle. Zhan Hu essentially got all their players through the chopping phase while Courtney was still trying to get her bundle down. She ended up having to saw the rope to get it to break. I don’t think I have ever seen someone be this bad at anything before. And I watched the Tyson-McNeely fight, so I know.

They were also doing this really annoying thing where, when a person cut their rope, they would freeze-frame on them cutting it. I don’t know if this is what they were going for, but it kept reminding me of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter when they freeze-framed on a newly head-shaven Corey Feldman giving Jason a stare down. It didn’t remind you of that? See…me and Mark Burnett? We get each other.

After that horrific display by Courtney, Fei Long actually made up some ground because Zhan-Hu is not bright or good at puzzles or good at life. In the end, though, Zhan-Hu was victorious, winning their first Immunity Challenge.

Then Fei Long was faced with trying to decide who to vote off. Aaron wanted to vote off Leslie because of how she behaved with the other tribe. Courtney wanted to vote off Jerk-Fatgut because he is a jerk and has a fat gut. Todd wanted to vote off one of the bigger men because he worried about how he would perform against them in the individual challenges. Jerk Fatgut wanted to eat.

In the end, though, Leslie was the one voted out…and Todd called her “Mom” on his vote card, which was just creepy. You would think they would have kept her…having someone who is such good friends with God has got to work to your advantage. I’m sure Probst is happy though…you know, being THE DEVIL and all.

Until next time,
Wayne