SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: THE SURVIVOR PALAU FINALE: NOW I CAN FINALLY GET THAT NEW STRIPPER, ER, I MEAN, FIRE POLE.YEAH

Writing about the Survivor finale always stresses me out. My readers expect a lot from me and the finale requires a certain special something that makes it possible for us all to come back in months to come and say, “Wow, that Wayne really knew how to go out on a high note.” I thought about perhaps straying from the regular format and talking about how Survivor has affected me, personally. I thought, maybe, what if I did a contest where one lucky reader could win something for being the first person to tell me who played Powder - I have a bottle of Sam Light somewhere in the fridge. Then I figured I could just type the words FART JOKE over and over again and everyone would think I was being ironic, so does it really matter? FART JOKE FART JOKE FART JOKE. Hey, remember fart jokes?

Day 38 on the island started out pretty nice for the Survivors. Mark Burnett took a break from spreading evil to treat the remaining four to a nice breakfast in a box. Anthony Michael Hall, finally getting the opportunity, proclaimed, “Hey, we are all eating breakfast. It’s like some sort of club. You know, for eating breakfast…in a club-type environment. It reminds me of that movie. You know the one. It defined a generation. Weird Science! They ate breakfast in that movie. Well, Kelly LeBrock was drinking coffee after she turned Chet into a big pile of poo. Weird Science!!! Poo!!!! Anthony Michael Hall!!!” The sun, apparently, has gotten to AMH.

Aquaman then told Hot Jenn and Anthony Michael Hall that, if Fire Marshall Bill lost the immunity challenge, he would be next to go. “I remember this one time in the Hall of Justice when Apache Chief kept beating everyone in these arm wrestling competitions. It made me so mad because he was basically the only superhero that commanded less respect than me. So, what I did was I infected Gleep with a strain of the ebola virus and threw him in Apache Chief’s teepee. Then, when he started to bleed out his ears, I told everyone it was because of all the steroids he was taking to help him with his arm wrestling. Then I said, ‘Apache Chief is really causing a lot of Apache grief.’ Then he died and I treated everyone to strawberry milkshakes at Friendly’s. Now who rules? So, yeah, basically, what I am saying is friendship-schmendship.”

The immunity challenge was a little too complicated for me to write about. There were tires and flags and a lockbox. It came down to Aquaman and Fire Marshall Bill…surprise, surprise. Fire Marshall Bill got his flag up the fastest and won immunity. Aquaman, meanwhile, went looking for a monkey to infect.

When they got back to camp, Fire Marshall Bill informed hot Jenn that she would be going home tonight as he, AMH, and Aquaman all have an alliance to stick to. Aquaman said he was glad that he didn’t win immunity because it would have been a tough choice for him to make. He then went on to say that “the world is flat”, “White Chicks was [his] favorite movie of all-time”, and “uhhh, duhhh.” See? Because Aquaman is not too bright, so he says things that are not intelligent. I sure am clever.

Fire Marshall Bill didn’t like hearing that, of course, so he talked to Hot Jenn about it, who was all too forthcoming with details of Aquaman’s plan to send Fire Marshall Bill packing. Fire Marshall Bill went ahead and confronted Aquaman about this and Aquaman couldn’t wriggle his way out of it. Fire Marshall Bill was all, “Let me tell ya something…We are through! You are such a baby cuz the dolphins make you cry”

At Tribal Council, Aquaman received a great deal of crap from Fire Marshall Bill and it resulted in him putting Aquaman’s name down to be voted off. Hot Jenn joined him in voting off the aquatic dynamo, while Anthony Michael Hall joined forces with Aquaman in voting for Hot Jenn. Anthony Michael Hall should know that Aquaman’s “life, love, and lady” is the sea. I am sure she’s a fine girl though. Since it was a tie, it came down to the fire making challenge that Steph-man-ie and Jim Caviezel had to complete to stay in the game. In the end, Aquaman won. Hot Jenn remained hot, however, which worked out well for us.

When they got back to camp, Fire Marshall Bill was pissed beyond belief. In fact, he was ‘fired’ up! Get it? Fired up? Fired? Up? Get it? Because, you know, Mark Burnett owns the Apprentice too. Wait. That wasn’t supposed to be the joke. Um..FART JOKE! Swish! So, anywho, FMB was giving Aquaman all kinds of crap for being dishonest and not honoring their alliance. Even Anthony Michael Hall joined in the yelling, complaining about Aquaman’s lack of honesty and also about the fact that Warner Brothers totally rejected her idea of a Sixteen Candles sequel, entitled Thirty-two Candles, mostly revolving around his character actually becoming a farmer named Ted. “Nice ma…nice manners babe!”

The next segment usually proves to be my favorite, the Torches of the Fallen. It’s always like, “Hey, remember Colby? He had wicked white teeth, huh?” “Hey, remember Shii Ann? She totally saved the Outerworld from Shao Kahn” “Hey, remember Dick Van Patten? He was like everywhere for a few years, now he has sort of disappeared, don’t you think?” This one was not that great, though, mainly due to the fact that the first batch of torches were from players that weren’t even on Koror, ever. Plus, I couldn’t help but think the native Palau’ans wouldn’t be too happy if they knew CBS was tossing their old show props in their waters. “Hey, remember Jolanda? She said all that crazy stuff. No? You remember…she wore those clothes all the time. Man, she was crazy. I am gonna miss her. Seriously, though, what happened to Dick Van Patten?”

The immunity challenge was an endurance one, as they so often are at this stage of the game. Each tribe member had to stand atop a tiny disk on a buoy in the water for as long as they could. The last one standing wins. Anthony Michael Hall, after four hours, stepped down, leaving only Aquaman and Fire Marshall Bill to duke it out on their respective buoys. You ever hear that joke about the Pope and Raquel Welch? Those aren’t buoys!!! Hahahahaha! Fire Marshall Bill offered Aquaman a chance to go to the final two if he stepped down, but he refused. Then, after nearly 12 hours in, Aquaman came up with his own deal. He would only step down if FMB took AMH to the final two. And you are telling me White Chicks isn’t his favorite movie? Fire Marshall Bill agreed and, just like that, Aquaman took himself out of the game, but he freed himself up to get back to fighting Black Manta and poisoning Native American stereotypes at the Hall of Justice. You, and me, and Friendly’s.

In celebration, back at the beach, Anthony Michael Hall and Fire Marshall Bill lit a bonfire and then left. Where exactly is Fire Marshall Bill a firefighter? Suck-town? Wait, that’s no good. Burned-Town? Yes!

Then came the jury. Pokemon Master was the first to confront the Survivors and, wearing his Bell Biv Devoe T-shirt, he really laid into mainly Anthony Michael Hall as everyone else seemed to do. Double G called her pathetic and Dick Van Patten called her a shiftless slugabed. Hey, there he is! When Jessie Spano asked her to name three adjectives to describe her playing or whatever, AMH refused to answer…she seemed to just get a little defensive. No one answered Steph-man-ie because they couldn’t see her. Anthony Michael Hall, meanwhile, made absolutely no sense in anything she said, while Fire Marshall Bill, well, made hardly any either.

In the end, Fire Marshall Bill got the majority of winning votes and was crowned Sole Survivor. Anthony Michael Hall is seriously in the middle of making a movie with C. Thomas Howell. Seriously…I mean that. Please let it be Soul Man 2: The Revenge of Arye Gross.

As a side note, I watched bits and pieces of the interviews afterward and there really wasn’t much to report. Some highlights:

Jeff, after rolling his ankle on a coconut, has decided to become the third Night at the Roxbury Guy

Hot Jenn co-dissed Double G on TV. The extra ‘G’ stands for “Getting Co-Dissed on TV”

Willard remains creepy.

Mario Fish ate Jim Caviezel.

And, wait for this one. Pokemon master adopted a kid and….wait for it…

wait for it…

named it Janu…I have no problem with the gay community adopting children, but there should be a law against reality TV contestants doing the same.

Additionally, the entire night, I was extremely excited to watch The Probst make his entrance. Last year, he like took a helicopter and a motorcycle, jumped sharks, and wrestled Yokozuna before entering the studio. This time, he just walked in. The Probst? More like The Lame! One-hand annnnnnnnnd Swish!

Until next season
Out-Fire, Out-Marshall, and Out-I-named-my-kid-Jessie-Spano
Wayne