SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU EPISODE XIII: THE FISH WAS ACTUALLY CALLED "BIG MOUTH." SERIOUSLY. LOOK IT UP

First off, let me apologize for not doing an article last week. I was still reeling from missing that whole Rosie O’ Donnell debacle. I made up for it by watching Radio and The Other Sister, back to back. I’ll be honest. Those movies really made me feel bad for those people. I mean, bad acting is something we, as a society, have to take very seriously. See what I did there?

Last night show good.

Coming back from the last tribal council, the whole world was on the edge of its collective seat thinking that Hot Jenn would flip out with Double G gone. She remained calm though…and hot. How is she still that hot? I think The Probst sneaks in at night and conditions her hair. Aquaman thinks she is a “smooth operator.” He then went on to say that she was a “smooooooth operator.” He finished his point by pointing out, “Coast to coast, LA to Chicago.” Then his stomach ate itself. AQUAMAN!! SWIM!!

Hot Jenn further reinforced her smooth operator-um-ness by trying to convince Aquaman that Fire Marshall Bill should be voted off next. Then I closed my eyes and pretended she took her top off. I saw a much better show than you did. I think there was even a unicorn there. At one point last night, my wife commented that Anthony Michael Hall was getting more attractive. It was then that I decided my wife may have an alcohol problem. We have so much in common.

Fire Marshall Bill, meanwhile, was talking to what’s-her-face about how much he doesn’t trust Anthony Michael Hall, mainly because he was so mean to Edward Scissorhands (sorry, I am starting to run out of AMH movies. Johnny Be Good? More like Johnny Be Bad….right?) At one point last night, my wife commented that what’s-her-face was getting more attractive. It was then that I decided my wife may have a heroin problem. Seriously, though, what’s-her-face is really hard for me to look at, mostly because her mouth reminds me of those big fish in Super Mario Brothers 3 that would jump out of the water and eat you. If I had the frog suit, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. MARIO FISH!

The reward challenge lastnight involved taking bamboo rafts out to pick up five mile markers that the Survivors would have to arrange them under the sign markers for various big cities – New York, Tokyo, Scranton – to designate distance. This was the car reward. Actually, this season, it was a good car…a Corvette. Remember when Colby won the Aztek? Aztek? More like Ass-Tek!! Swish! Also, the winner could drive the corvette up to this mansion and party like Abe Vigoda. What? I bet he partied. Aquaman was in the lead the entire time and won the challenge. Pretty impressive for someone without a stomach. He also had the opportunity to take someone with him and he had some sort of agreement with Anthony Michael Hall, so she figured it would be her, but then he remembered he was in love with Fire Marshall Bill, so they both hopped in the corvette, Fire Marshall Bill laid his head in Aquaman’s lap, and they drove off into the sunset.

Now, before the challenge, Aquaman and Fire Marshall Bill decided if one of them won that they should take a girl so as to avoid any possible female scheming…you know how females do, y’all. Women be shopping! Now, I think Fire Marshall Bill should be flattered. Even though it would have been better for Aquaman to take a female, his love for FMB was too much to handle. The scene then cut to them enjoying champagne on a balcony. It was very non-heterosexual. You ever see that movie Boat Trip? Me neither, but I assume it looked a lot like this, only less funny.

Of course, back on the island, the women were talking. You know how they do. Women be gossipin’ Anthony Michael Hall was really ticked at Aquaman, so Hot Jenn took the opportunity to yell,
VAGINA POWER ACTIVATE! FORM OF FEMALE EMPOWERMENT!
FORM OF MAN HATER!
FORM OF…MARIO FISH!

When Aquaman returned to the island, Mario Fish swam up to him and asked where his allegiances lie. “They lie with the sea Mario fish. They lie with the sea,” he answered. Learning that Anthony Michael Hall was upset with him, he consistently tried to get her alone to talk. When she finally conceded, what followed was something else, full of tears…let’s listen in:

Aquaman: You’re like my best friend her and I screwed up (sob)
Anthony Michael Hall: You said you would take me and you didn’t. I don’t know who to trust. (weep)
Aquaman: I’m such a baby, cuz the dolphins make me cry (whimper)
Anthony Michael Hall: Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker
Aquaman: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
Anthony Michael Hall: I tried. You pull the trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on.
Aquaman: It was a hand gun?
Anthony Michael Hall: No, it was a flare gun
Aquaman: (laughing) C’mere you…

The immunity challenge came next and it was a memory challenge that involved walking across a water course to study a series of images and then coming back and arranging your image pieces to match. Fire Marshall Bill won. It would have been cool if he was like, “I remember…I remember….I remember how to kick all y’all’s asses!” I just made that up…seriously…you can use it if you want.

So, back at the island, it was unclear how the vote was going to turn out. Was there a female alliance? Would Anthony Michael Hall stay true to her alliance with Aquaman? So, is Mario’s last name Mario? I mean, it’s the Mario Brothers, right? So it must be Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, no?

The tribal council was a good one. Mario Fish basically said everything that happened and everything that was said between her and basically everyone. She revealed that she and Fire Marshall Bill and Aquaman were going to vote out Anthony Michael Hall and then when Fire Marshall Bill countered by saying that it was only after Mario Fish told him that he was next to go, she called him a liar. Only it came out more like, “Liahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” because it takes so long for her mouth to close, being so big and all. Also, it was revealed that they must have a lot of self-tanner where the jury is staying, because all I could really see of Steph-man-ie was her teeth. STEPH-MAN-IE TAN!

In the end, Mario Fish was voted off, which is good. It means, I don’t have to watch the show through my fingers in fear of being swallowed whole.

Until next time
Out-Koopa, Out-Mario, and Out-RESCUE THE PRINCESS!

Wayne