Last night’s episode began in a typical way. The survivors were HOLY CRAP THEY ARE STILL AT TRIBAL COUNCIL OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!111
I am pretty sure they wanted that sort of reaction last night, but instead I was more like, “Oh, is Survivor on? Um, awesome?”
Yeah, so the show picked right up where the last episode ended, with THE UNHOLY MASTER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY AND MASTERED telling them they aren’t going anywhere. They are going to participate in a reward challenge. Wow, way to make things super unexciting. Oh my gosh! A reward challenge??!! Right there! Don’t be ridiculous!! I hope it’s a thrill ride of a challenge!!
Nope.
They had to answer questions about the history of China. Like, the easiest questions you could imagine. Look, I have never been to China, but I did better than most had fared last night. You would think, if you were going to another country, you’d have read something about it. What’s the capital of China? Was the abacus invented in China? Do panda bears eat bamboo? My Lord. I fully expected the next question to be “China is: (A) a type of vegetable, (B) a country, (C) a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, (D) a finishing move in Mortal Kombat.”
So, Peih-Gee won. Her prize was a trip on a private jet up into the mountains to visit a Shaolin Temple, eat a meal, and watch Kung Fu. No, not the popular TV show starring David Carradine, but a Kung Fu demonstration. I know, disappointing. But one must overcome disappointment to achieve true inner peace, Grasshopper. Also, Peih-Gee could take two people, so she chose Erik (?) and The LunchLady, who was concerned at the thought of leaving GRAVEDIIGGGEERRR!!!, Todd, Amanda Hugandkiss, and Ally McWorst behind. However, at the mention of food, she just muttered the words, “Imma eat?” and then started drooling and staring off into the distance.
Those four that were left behind started talking as soon as the others left about how it will probably be them left in the final four. GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!! continued showing he made it like five pages into the Bible by talking about how much he would like to not eat apples and frolic naked. He then went on to talk about how snakes used to talk in Biblical times and how much he liked the story about when Adam and Eve opened up the Moonlight Detective Agency and had all that sexual tension. He said it fell apart after the teacher from Summer School joined the cast, but he enjoyed how they gave Booger from Revenge of the Nerds a job. Amen.
On the plane ride, Peih-Gee attempted to coax The LunchLady into an alliance with her and Erik (?). Erik, meanwhile, did something, I think.
FROM THE SLUMS OF SHAOLIN, WU-TANG CLAN STRIKES AGAIN. THE RZA. THE GZA, OL’ DIRTY BASTARD, INSPECTAH DECK, RAEKWON THE CHEF, U-GOD, GHOSTFACE KILLAH, AND THE METHOD MAN!!!!
So, they arrived at the Shaolin Temple and The LunchLady started up a conversation with one of the monks about her karate training. “How long have you been studying karate?” asked the monk. “About 8 years, since I was 32,” she answered. “What style do you practice?” he continued. “I practice the hand of the Sloppy Joe Tater Tot,” she proudly exclaimed. To which the monk replied, in slack-jawed amazement, “Ho. Lee. Crud.” and ran away, comically.
Then they were treated to the as-promised Kung Fu demonstration. Then, when it was finished, a bunch of random kids came in and they asked if the LunchLady would do a demonstration of her martial arts, um, prowess? She was doing great until William Zabka showed up and told her that “all he wanted to do was talk” and it was her fault, her fault. Then he broke her radio. Then, Dutch was like, “Looking for a shortcut back to Newark, LunchLady?” Then, Tommy said, “I think she wants to learn Karate, right? RIGHT?” William Zabka then hit her with this one, “well, here’s your first lesson. HOW TO TAKE A FALL!!!” LunchLady was heard last saying that she “hates this bike! This damn bike! I hate this bike. I hate this friggin' bike! Stupid bike.”
Think the monks would like me equating their rich history and culture with a Pat Morita movie? Ah well, at least I didn’t go with Collision Course. Those who have seen it, you know what I’m talking about. Those who haven’t? Your life must be so empty.
Back at camp, the rest of the tribe huddles in a cave to escape the rain. As the three Shaolin’ers return, no one seems all that excited to see them. Everyone except for Amanda Hugandkiss remains in the cave when they gat back to camp. When Peih-Gee comes up to the cave opening and, after being asked, tells them what happened, we are then treated to this wonderful quote from Ally McAwful, “The cave is the best thing I have right now. The cave is my happy place. What I don’t like is when everyone and their damn mother decide they like the cave too. Peih-Gee comes sidling up in there and I'm like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’ And then you want to start talking? No get out of here! No talking in the cave!” Look, Ally McTerrible, you shouldn’t even be there right now. So shut it. You’re also one of my least favorite people in the world.
Erik (?) then went up to GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! and tried to convince him that joining up with him and Peih-Gee would make sense. GRAVEDIGGERR, after spending a considerable amount of time trying to figure out who Erik was, said, “Why would I go from the nice happy five to the evil two? I am not going to eat that apple. They can tempt me as much as they want but I’m not having it.” Again with the apple? He’s getting pretty…wait for it…wait for it…FRUITY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Hello? Is this thing on?
Ally McHate and Amanda Hugandkiss then went out to go get the tree mail. They came upon a message with three Chinese throwing stars stuck in it. Look familiar, Scarlett Johansson? Maybe next time, you’ll think twice before not responding to letters. You think that restraining order can stop me? I guess you don’t understand the power of the Ninja.
Also, while at the tree mail, Amanda Hugandkiss approached Ally McPleaseDie with a new plan – Operation: VOTE OUT GRAVEDIGGERRR!! It was actually a pretty solid plan. GRAVEDIGGERR has shown that he is reluctant to play the immunity idol, so if they blindside him, they take him and the two idols out. Makes sense. She’s so smart. And pretty. Oh, Amanda Hugandkiss. Says here she lives in LA. Hmmm, someone’s getting a Chinese throwing star message.
Amanda also referred to GRAVEDIGGERR’s Adam and Eve references : “GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!! keeps saying we shouldn’t eat the apple. Forget the apple, I’m gonna eat the whole pie.” Ally McPunch responded, “what’s pie?” Get it? Man, she be skinny, y’all!!!
So, yeah, the immunity challenge consisted of having to throw Chinese stars at various targets – each worth a different amount of points. Each person gets three tries. The three people with the highest point total move on to a second sudden death round where they get one throw – highest points wins. In the end, Erik (?) won. Who? Exactly.
After the challenge, GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! seemed pretty confident about his tenure on the island. “Mammaflamma bubgub spoofy poop,” he said. Man, he’s just so lovably unintelligible.
Meanwhile, Amanda Hugandkiss approached Todd about her plan to vote out GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!
Amanda : SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! WATCH ME TAKE OUT GRAVEDIGGERRRR!!!111 AT TRIBAL COUNCIL
Todd: Hm?
Amanda: WATCH AS HIS FRIENDS BETRAY HIM AND WE GET HIM OFF THE ISLAND!!!111111 GRAVEDIGGERRRRR!1111
Todd: Uh.
Amanda: YOUR TICKET MAY COVER THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!!1111
Todd: gah
Amanda: WATCH AS ROBO-RAPTOR THE DINOSAUR CAR TAKES ON GRAVEEEDIIIIGGGGGERRRRRR!!!!!! ALSO, MEET KNIGHT RIDER’S KITT THE CAR AND THE GENERAL LEE!!!!!!
Todd: Um…this makes no sense
Amanda: KIDS’ SEATS STILL ONLY TEN BUCKS!!!!
Todd: help.
Todd eventually agreed. I know…I couldn’t believe it either. He must really like Monster Trucks.
You know, sometimes, I even lose myself. I’m like, what?
Then, LunchLady got on board, assuring a majority vote. Of course, this was all dependent on GRAVEDIGGERRR!!! not using his immunity idol, which to me seemed quite a gamble. I figured, why wouldn’t he use it? He is probably going to win at least one more challenge and he won’t be able to use it in the final three…so this seemed a good time to use it. Plus, he seemed to be getting a sense of some shenanigans (“Hey Farva…what’s the name of that restaurant you like with all the crap on the walls? Shenanigans? Hahahahahah!), which would just further assure me that he would make that move. Alas, I forgot – he isn’t very bright. Ha…you forgot too, huh? I guess the joke is on us.
In the end, GRAVEDIIGGERRRR!!!! got voted out because of his own stupidity. I know you are all going to miss those jokes. “All Caps?? What a country!!”
Until next time,
Wayne
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