The episode last night began with the tribe, erm, sleeping. Even the monkey was sleeping. That is, they were sleeping until GRAVEDIGGERRR!! strayed from his usual quiet, mumbling self and woke everyone up with a boisterous “GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING!!! I’VE COME TO SAY GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING TO YOU!!” He so crazy.
Ally McSuck woke up with a big smile on her face, saying it was Christmas because Jerk-Fatgut was gone. She then proceeded to ask if someone would let her call them “Mom” and then tell her that all that ham she’s eating is going to go straight to her hips…to make the experience even more like the Christmases she grew up with. Then she fell in between the planks. Hey, has anyone else noticed – she is really skinny!
So, yeah, everyone was super-happy about Jerk-Fatgut’s departure, right? Wrong. Wrong? Right. Right? No, its wrong, but you were right about being wrong.
…
The Lunchlady was a little perturbed about being left out of the decision to vote for Jerk-Fatgut when she was under the impression that the entire team was voting for Peih-Gee. She said, “this is just like that time all the other lunchladies and I had agreed on serving grilled cheese for Thursday’s lunch. Then, at the last minute, they all decide to serve grilled ham and cheese. It was wicked disheahtening. Navy beans, navy beans.” Yup, poor Lunchlady. Always coming in last. Unless of course it’s a “Who Looks Most Like Early 90’s Billy Ray Cyrus” contest. I assume she’d tear that up.
GRAVEDIGGGAHHH!!, meanwhile, was cooking fish and getting increasingly annoyed with Peih-Gee, who was hovering over him like she was my parole officer. It’s like, dude, I can’t go if you’re watching! Am I right? Hm? Huh? So yeah, Peih-Gee was telling GRAVEDIGGERR how to cook the fish right. She apologized for “micromanaging” him, to which GRAVEDIGGERRRRRR!!!!! said, “Micro-manage? Is that like micro machines? Remember that guy? He talked really fast in those commercials.” Yeah, I have just started making up what GRAVEDIGGER says because I really just cannot understand him. Todd was also unhappy with how Peih-Gee was acting. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy scouring ebay for micro machines, so I didn’t really hear what he said.
I did, though, hear Todd commenting on Ally McAwful and Frosti? cuddling up with each other. He is worried about the chance that possibly Ally McSuck would turn on her alliance to get some snowman snuggling. They both do have a lot in common. They both like to talk in these annoying high falsettos. They both have the body of an 8 year-old boy. It’s a match made in my worst nightmares.
As the tribe members met for the reward challenge, BEELZEBUB explained what they were to do. They would split up into two teams and try to bounce these balls on these drums and pass them to one another as they navigate through a series of obstacles. They have to get three balls from the start to the “finishing bin” without dropping them. They were playing for a boat ride down a river and eating food on a boat ride down a river. The teams were the red team (GRAVEDIGERR, Lunchlady, Peih-Gee, and Todd) versus the yellow team (Ally McSuck, Erik (??), Amanda Hugandkiss, and Frosti?) The yellow team won mainly because GRAVEDIGGERR doesn’t know his own strength and everytime the ball came to his drum, he would knock it out of the park. Here, I had a choice of two references. I could either have gone with talking about the scene in Bachelor Party where Tom Hanks is playing tennis with his soon-to-be father-in-law and keeps hitting the balls out of the court or I could have compared GRAVEDIGGERR to the Lenny character in Of Mice and Men. Yeah, you know…that movie with John Malkovich and Gary Sinise about the one guy and his slow friend during the Depression. Hm? It was a book? You’re lying. Seriously? No way! Sorry, I never read it. Nerd. I was way too busy going to parties and being popular in high school. Like this one rager I went to, I ate like a whole bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos and I became a Level 9 Elf with maximum charisma points. Best night of my life? You can bet your 12-sided die on it!
After they returned, defeated, to camp, Peih-Gee let out her frustrations on a balding GRAVEDIGGERR!!! She basically blamed him for losing the challenge. He fired back, calling her a “loser” and telling her to “shut up.” Then he advised her not to “mess with [him] because everytime [she brings] something up, [GRAVEDIGGERRR!!!!] will quickly blast [her] back and make [her] look quite silly. ” Yeah, those were some well thought-out barbs he was throwing out there. Really, her only defense would have been the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” retort, which she failed to come up with due to GRAVEDIGGERR’s Jedi Mind Trickery.
Aboard the boat, Erik (?), Amanda Hugandkiss, Ally McSuck, and Frosti? talked some serious smack about Peih-Gee. It went like this:
Amanda: Peih-Gee is awful.
Ally McSuck: Yeah, she’s like really like bad like about like being like good
Frosti?: Happy Birthday!!
Erik (?): You know…she’s not bad when she’s just chilling out.
Amanda: Who said that?
Ally McBad: I don’t know…but is it someone else we can vote out?
Erik (?): Oops…I mean “…”
Frosti? : You can make jokes about me that don’t revolve around being a snowman. Did you know that Wendy’s has drinks called Frostys?
Then, we got a nice close-up of Frosti? running his hands all over the spine back of Ally McSuck. I fully expected some sort of a xylophone sound to come out. He also thinks she is “way out of his league.” The heat is really getting to Frosti? “Whew! Stay in here much longer and I'll really make a splash in the world,” he exclaimed.
Also, Amanda has like this permanent blur on her butt. What is showing there? I am super curious. Maybe she has an Adidas logo on there or something?
Then, Erik (?) actually sort of did something. He started doing impressions. But, in true Erik fashion, they weren’t really interesting impressions…he did his best impersonation of a goat. Amanda Hugandkiss said it was the best impression she’s ever seen. Uh, Amanda…MICHAEL WINSLOW!!HELLO!! Have you even heard him do an impression of a helicopter? Police Academy 1-4 wouldn’t have been half the movies they were without him. Police Academy 5 still would have rocked though. Mostly cuz of House. Man, fat guys are high-larious. He sat on a bench AND IT BROKE!!!!
Next up was the Immunity Challenge. It consisted of LUCIFER calling out Chinese zodiac symbols in a specific order and the players had to pick them in the order called. It was sort of like that game Simon. I much preferred Perfection…or Trouble. POP-O-MATIC BUBBLE!!!
Now, in true LORD OF HELLFIRE fashion, THE PROBST went ahead and unveiled a true temptation. The contestants could, instead of participating for a chance at immunity, chow down on some cheeseburgers, French fries, and cold drinks for the duration of the challenge. GRAVEDIGGERR!!, Todd, Ally McSuck, and The Lunchlady (shocker!!) chose the food, while Peih-Gee, Erik (?), Frosti?, and Amanda (why? I don’t really know) chose to try for immunity. The challenge was as exciting as you would expect watching people play Simon would be.
In the end, it came down to Frosti? and Peih-Gee. Peih-Gee emerged victorious, thus leaving the tribe members confused as to who they should vote out. On one hand, everyone loves Frosti?...I mean, he’s a snowman…On the other hand, who is Erik?
At tribal council, it really seemed like it could go either way. Also, everyone was talking about how many cheeseburgers they ate. Todd said he scarfed down 3, I think. GRAVEDIGGERR said 7. Ally McSuck was like, “Oh my god…I ate like 2 and a half French fries. I’m such a cow. BARRRFFFF!!”
However, Frosti?’s loveability and “frozen water-ness” was not enough and the tribe voted him out. But don’t worry kids…as he was leaving, I heard him exclaim, “I’ll be back on Christmas Day!!”
HE’LL BE BACK…ON CHRISTMAS DAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!1111
Until next time,Wayne
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