Lookie, Lookie – a Friday morning Survivor recap. I know what you’re thinking – “Yeah, and? He’s supposed to deliver them on Friday mornings.” Know what I’m thinking? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with “shut” and ends with “up.” I’ll give you a minute with that one.
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Last night’s episode started off over at the Fei Long camp, where Jerk-Fatgut was all upset over Ally McWorst’s not-so-kind words to him at the last tribal council. If you’ll remember, she was all, “Jerk-Fatgut is really crappy.” If you’ll also remember, I thought Jerk-Fatgut got kind of a raw deal. If you’ll additionally remember, this weekend we turn the clocks back. That stuff’s important, man.
But, yeah, JF got kind of crapped on. I mean, he’s a jerk and he has a fat gut, but crappy? That’s some coldness right there. That’s like John Bender cold, man. “I like those earrings, Claire…Are those real diamonds, Claire?...I bet they are. Did you work for the money to buy those earrings…Or did your Daddy buy those for you?... I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner f@#!*#@! year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?” Man, Judd Nelson. One of the finest actors of our generation. Remember when he was on that show Suddenly Susan? Yeah, you remember…it was on Thursday nights with Friends and Seinfeld. It was about that woman who, um, worked somewhere with a bunch of crazy people and had fun things happen. Nope…that was Caroline in the City. Nope, wrong again…Veronica’s Closet. Uh-uh…Dude, that was The Single Guy.
Also, Todd went ahead and commended Jerk-Fatgut on his growth as a player, which totally drew more ire from Skinny McSkinny. I don’t know if you all know this, but she hates Jerk-Fatgut. I don’t really understand it. So many classic comic pairings have consisted of a fat person and a skinny person. Laurel and Hardy. Abbot and Costello. Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. Oprah and Steadman. Also, Ally McCRAP said, “I dislike everyone else more than I dislike Todd and Amanda. I think they mistake that for friendship.” I mean, honestly, I can’t believe this skinny, bitchy girl who thinks she is better than everyone else and likes no one lives in New York. I mean, talk about going against the grain.
The next morning, it continued with Ally McCrap being really pissy with Amanda and Todd about how Jerk-Fatgut treats her and how they don’t stand up for her. Am I blacking out during these moments when JF is mistreating Ally McCrap? I mean, its totally possible, with all the ether I’m huffing. But, I just don’t see any of this. I did love the part where the polka-dotted hippo did the Running Man. Mmmmm, ether.
Back over at Zhan Hu (remember them? No? Me neither. I had to look them up), GRAVEDIGGGERRRR!!! makes his move for the hidden immunity idol while the others are off sucking at everything. After prying the first plaque off, he realizes it’s the wrong one and tosses it aside. He then grabs the right one and stuffs it in his bag. Erik (??) then comes back to camp, hurting GRAVEDIGGAHH’s chances of putting the other plaque back up so as to remain unnoticed. Erik, however, continued to remain unnoticed with ease.
Later in the episode, it does in fact get noticed by Jaime and Erik (??...ohhhh, the guy I was talking about in the last paragraph. That’s his name?)
Jaime: Look at that spot there. There used to be something there, right?
Erik: …
(Erik picks up the plaque)
Jaime: Do you think that’s the hidden immunity idol? It looks idol-ish.
Erik: …
Jaime: I mean, that could be Chinese for “immunity idol, maybe, no?”
Erik: …
Jaime: Who the hell are you?
Erik: … (crying)
Later, under the cover of night, while GRAVEDIGGERRR and Peih-Gee are off – what were they doing? Frog hunting? Whatever – Jaime decides to look through GRAVEDIGGERRR’s bag. She finds that his pants are wrapped around not one, but two square plaque-ish things like hers…(yay, SMART!!) although she never really unwraps them totally, so she doesn’t know whether hers looks exactly like what GRAVEDIGGER has or not (boo, STUPID!!) so she just assumes what she has is an immunity idol without actually looking at what is wrapped up in GRAVEDIGGERR’s pants. I can understand. I almost did the same thing this morning. There was this lump under a blanket, just sitting there at my house. It was rounded and about the right size, so I of course assumed it was a cooked turkey. I went ahead and got a knife and fork and was ready to dig in. It’s a good thing my wife was there with her shrieks of “That’s not a delicious cooked turkey!! That’s your son!!” or things could have gotten ugly. The moral of this story? Don’t huff ether.
The next morning, GRAVEDIGGERR notices the missing “fake idol” and realizes that one of them probably took it and thinks it’s the real idol. Excitedly, he says to the camera, “Hammma Blamma!! Harsbitty Darsbitty!! Shrimp Etouffee!! Bloof Blang Darf!!!” He is the assistant coach from The Waterboy, no? Gaaaaaaatorade! No subtitles, here, CBS, eh? Good move.
Next, as the teams met for the reward challenge, they are surprised to learn that HOLY FRICK!!! MERGE!! Everyone hugs afterwards. Oh, we all love each other. And smell. In order to celebrate, LUCIFER THE DARK tells them they will all be enjoying a feast and some down home Chinese culture. But, warns THE FALLEN ANGEL (well, she stepped off the bus, out in to the city streets…) “This game never stops. Keep that in mind as you enjoy the day’s festivities.” Then he issued a sinister “muahahahahaha!” and drank the blood of a virgin. Erik was all, “hey! I need that blood!” Everyone was like, “who the hell are you?” Then we all laughed. Naw. Actually, THE PROBST did say that, but no one heeded the warning. Because they are stupid.
The feast started off with a bang! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, because they lit off some fireworks. Now that you know that, read that first sentence again. I know. Hilarious!
Anyways, at the beginning of the feast Ally McHorrible said, “Boo challenges! Yay, feast!” She then added, “I mean, booooo feast!! Yay, rib cage!!” So, yes, they ate and enjoyed Chinese sights like acrobats, dragons, and overpopulation. Wha?
After the feast, the newly formed tribe returns to the Fei Long camp and are faced with the task of coming up with a name:
Jerk-Fatgut: Well, we should use black in the name…although that wouldn’t work once GRAVEDIGGERR leaves. He is black. LOLZZ!!
GRAVEDIGGERRR: Aw man.
Jaime: ROFL!!
Erik: …
Frosti? : That’s nothing. They put me on the yellow tribe. Me and Peih-Gee. That’s all kinds of crazy!!
Peih-Gee: We are Asian.
Don Imus: Racial humor!!!! LMAO!!!
Chris Rock: White people can’t dance!!!
America: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!11111////
Chris Rock: Women be shoppin, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Most of that actually did sort of really happen. Just so you know.
The name they did end up settling on was Hae Da Fung which, contrary to popular belief is not a spicy chicken dish, but instead stands for “Black Fighting Wind.” I think they should have went the spicy chicken dish route. KUNG PAO!!
All of a sudden, THE DEVIL shows up. The camp is a-flutter. “oooh, Jeff is here…Hey everyone, did you see – Jeff is here...SOMEBODY’S GETTING MARRIED!!!! SOMEBODY SOMEBODY SOMEBODY SOMEBODY!!!!” LUCIFER, of course, is miffed at the lackluster greeting and absence of sacrifice.
He unveils the immunity challenge and informs them that the challenge will be HERE…AT YOUR OWN CAMP…OH. MY. GOD. He also gave them a nice ”Idiots…” smirk when they told him their new tribe name.
The challenge would consist of the tribe members being quizzed on their memory of what happened at the feast. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING OH WAIT YES I DID.
Anyways, Frosti? won because he knew the dancers were barefooted. He, however, did not know what a traffic light was. What?
TRAFFIC COP: What's the matter? Didn't you see that traffic light?
FROSTI? : What’s a traffic light?
TRAFFIC COP: over there, on the lamppost.
FROSTI?: What’s a lamppost?
TRAFFIC COP: Oh, a wise guy, eh? You want a ticket, wise guy?
FROSTI?: Yes, please, to the North Pole.
Get it now? No, you’re a stretch.
After the challenge, GRAVEDIGGERR got both Todd and Amanda alone and told them all about Jaime having the fake immunity idol…ahem, sorry. He actually said that she has a “fake immunization thing.” I would think that should worry everyone because, you know…she could have malaria or whooping cough.
They plan to vote out Jaime. However, Amanda tells GRAVEDIGGER!!! she is worried about Ally McBadreallybad’s allegiance due to her erratic voting and hatred of Jerk-Fatgut. And this, then brought on the LINE OF THE NIGHT by, who else, GRAVEDIGGERR, “That skinny b#@!h jumps on every swinging D#!k…(pause)…and Harry.” I am going to just let you bask in that one.
Jerk-Fatgut, meanwhile, aligns with Todd and Amanda to go to the final three…hm? Also, he issues a threat, ““If somehow you do end up screwing me over in this game, I am going to hold you responsible and you will never ever see a juror lobby so hard against somebody. You will not win.” This did not scare our little Mormon flight attendant. So, JF grabbed his gut and jiggled…JIGGLED LIKE HE’S NEVER JIGGLED BEFORE!!! Todd, understandably, was petrified and therefore agreed. Or did he? Or he did? Did or he?
Knowing she is probably next on the chopping block due to her “relationship” with Erik (??) – “hey, both of our names are spelled wrong…we have so much in common” – Jaime starts a mad scramble to get votes on her side. First, she attempts to ensure Frosti?’s allegiance by telling him she has the hidden immunity idol. Then, she tries to sway Todd by telling him she will tell him who has the hidden idols if he saves her. Todd then says she is on the small bike peddling fast….or something. ETHER!!
GRAVEDIGGERR!! also thinks Jerk-Fatgut is dumb because he is insistent on voting off Peih-Gee. Imagine being called dumb by GRAVEDIGGERR!!! Man, that’s rough.
At tribal council, Jerk-Fatgut mentions that he thinks Ally McAwful will make it to the end because she isn’t much of a threat, which for some reason angers Ally. She is just a really angry person. I suppose always worrying about your spine poking through your back will do that to someone.
Then, the moment we were all waiting for – Jaime plays the hidden immunity idol. After all the votes were read, she pulls it out. SATAN then explains the rules of the hidden immunity idol…a lengthy explanation ended with, “if someone chooses to play the hidden immunity idol. And this is not the hidden immunity idol.” Then he chucked it into the fire. Man, he is an ass.
And Jaime did end up receiving most of the votes and she goes home, taking with her any hope of Erik ever becoming interesting.
Until next time,
Wayne
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