Last night’s show began with everyone discussing the happenings at the last tribal council. Jerk-Fatgut was especially jolly about not being voted off. I say jolly because he’s fat, you know. Fat people get to be jolly. The non-overweight get to only be glad or happy and on those rare occasions, ecstatic. I, with my rippling abs and well-tuned glutes, rarely get to be more than just “sexy” or “jaw-droppingly God-like.” People rarely look beyond my physical attributes. I’m not complaining, really. I just wanted everyone to know.
After Jerk-Fatgut was done exercising his jowls, GRAVEDIIGGERRRRRRR asked him to move so that Erik (??) could get in bed. He tried and tried again to prove that there was no such person, but GRAVEDIGGERR insisted. Then he asked Jerk-Fatgut if he wanted a hug so he would feel better about being voted out. At least that was what the subtitles said. I could have sworn he was talking about Edie McClurg, of Ferris Bueller and Small Wonder fame. “What’chu want, Edie McClurg?” I swear that’s what he said. It would have made sense. I always thought Jerk-Fatgut bore a striking resemblance to Ed Rooney’s secretary. GRAVEDIGGERR!!, you just sounded like Dirty Harry right then.
The next day, the cameraman fell in love with GRAVEDIGGERR’s butt and decided to focus on it for a good five minutes. So that happened.
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEDIGGER then caught some fish. While he was catching the fish, his voice played over the “action”: “We have a good group together…We got the lunchlady. We got a gravedigger….” Hm, that sounds really familiar. Then he talked about the whole thing reminded him of this old episode of Punky Brewster. Bastard.
Next up was the reward challenge. THE KEEPER OF THE DAMNED explained that the tribe would split into two teams. One member of each team will sit in a tribe boat while the opposing team will attempt to sink them using buckets of water. The person in the boat must use their hands to bail out the water to stay afloat. The first team to sink the other team’s boat two times wins. Now, the teams were made up of four people, so that meant someone would be left out. Each team went ahead and picked through the lineup, leaving poor old Lunchlady last, because they needed someone “light.” Wow. Being picked last isn’t bad enough. Hey, we aren’t picking you because you’re a tub of goo. Oh well, at least you get the last laugh, eh? They may be more svelt, but you’re, well…oh right, you’re a lunchlady. Damn, life really sucks for you.
Well, at least she could take solace in the fact that Ally McTerrible’s awfulness at everything outweighed her awfulness at weighing more than an infant. Her team lost and left Jerk-Fatgut, GRAVEDIGGERRR, Amanda, and Todd free to go claim their reward – a visit to a 1000 year-old Chinese village (they’re in China?) where they will enjoy yet another Chinese meal (CHINAAA!!!).
Walking into the village, GRAVEDIGGERR was like, “Hamma Blamma, Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah.” Jet Screamer Screamer Screamer. You’re a dreamer dreamer dreamer.
As they sat down to dinner, Jerk-Fatgut opened the tube, which laid out the last and final clue regarding the hidden immunity idol. And he’s shocked. That there is a hidden immunity idol. On Survivor. Even though he has seen people being handed these tubes. And there were hidden idols last season. He must be awesome at poker. “I am,” explained Jerk-Fatgut, “Everytime I play my mom, I end up with the biggest pile of pretzels. The night before I came here, I beat her 4 kings with a 2, a Jack, a 7, the “how to play” card, and a Bo Jackson rookie card with a mustache drawn on it.” He also remained perplexed as to how he responded to an insult I made in my newsletter IN THE FUTURE.
Everyone around the table, of course, already knows there is an immunity idol - GRAVEDIGGERR actually has both of them. It was like that episode of Inspector Gadget. You know the one. Where he solved the crime at the end and explained it to Penny and Brain, not knowing that they had already solved it. Remember that episode? It was the one where he said “Go-go gadget..” something or other and Dr. Claw was petting his cat and he said, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!! Next Time!” Man, that was a good episode. Hey, remember how Matthew Broderick ruined a lot of things you liked as a kid? Remember Godzilla?
Back at the camp, The Lunchlady was kind of upset about being picked last. ““I’m big. I’m fat. I'm always the last one picked. It’s been like that my whole life and here it is again.” She continued, “Even at last year’s Lunchlady Games, I was always picked last. For the Sloppy Joe toss. For the Tater Tot toss. Even for the fish stick toss. Yeah, we lunchladies aren’t a real creative bunch. But man, we do smell bad. And I got a bad case of the gout.”
That night, after returning from the reward, Jerk-Fatgut tries to find the hidden immunity idol. He actually does sort of figure out the clue and goes searching for the idols above the tribe gates and pulls down a couple plaques, hoping one of them is the idol. It surprised me no one woke up during all of this. You would think Fatgut stomping around camp would make some noise. Thank God there aren’t any Yetis in that area. Those folks’d be in trouble. I AM THE YETI!!!
Todd, meanwhile, is getting annoyed with everyone at camp, “These people are driving me insane. I hate hearing Jerk-Fatgut’s voice. I hate hearing GRAVEDIGGERR complain how he is so hungry,” Todd complained, “I hate cursive and I hate all of you!!! I’M NEVER COMING BACK HERE!! NEVER!!” He also hates how GRAVEDIGGERR has both the immunity idols that he found and he decided to go to Amanda Hugandkiss to do something about it. He suggests blindsiding GRAVEDIGGERR at the next tribal council. Amanda Hugandkiss, being sensible and Amazon-ish, suggests waiting on that, but Todd is determined for the next couple of minutes and gets Frosti? on board, for the next couple of minutes.
Next up was the immunity challenge. The tribe members have to try and balance on a large barrel-dragon thing (CHINESE THINGS!!) filled with water. After they pull a lever, the water begins to drain and it gets harder and harder to remain on the barrel. When you fall off, you are out of the challenge. The last person remaining wins immunity.
Weighing less than Dakota Fanning and therefore having less of a chance of toppling, Ally McDisgusting wins. Yay you. Finally, your physique proves it can do more than just FREAK ME THE HELL OUT. Seriously, she is really grossing me out. Hey, she makes Mary-Kate Olsen look like Dave Coulier. Ha. He’s tubby. Cut. It. Out.
Back at camp, Jerk-Fatgut is out swimming with Erik (?). He proceeds to talk about how he has the hidden immunity idol and all should join him. “Now that I have it, I am pretty much guaranteed to be in the top five.” Correcting him, Erik (?) says, “Nuh-uh. GRAVEDIGGERR has both man,” to which JF jumps back with a start and says, “oh, I didn’t see you there because I have never seen you before and I didn’t even know you existed because you have never done anything of consequence.” I swear.
After hearing that GRAVEDIGGERR has the hidden idols, Jerk-Fatgut approaches him, “Now I’m not going to ask you, I’m telling you that I know and I am leaving it up to you to decide. You want to work with me or are we going out on our own? Best course to the end is to be with me not against me.” Yes, best course to the end. Of being on the show. See what I did there? Score” Wayne: 1,000,000…Jerk-Fatgut: -23.
After realizing his threats went unheard, Jerk-Fatgut approaches Todd with a plan to vote out GRAVEDIGGERR. Now, instead of remembering what he said five minutes ago about wanting to vote out GRAVEDIGGERR, “T-ADD” instead tells Amanda Hugandkiss of JF’s plan and decides to now vote off Jerk-Fatgut. Amanda Hugandkiss then reminds him of the original plan of voting out Peih-Gee. T-ADD responds, “Oh, I know but…look, a bird is flying over that…oh my God, I just remembered where I left my jacket. It’s on the…Hey, remember that show White Shadow? It was about…I really hope we can fix the environment.” Hey T-ADD. I feel your pain.
In the end, Jerk-Fatgut’s doughyness did not prevail and he was voted out at council. It was a close vote. Plus, Lunchlady was left voting for Peih-Gee all by herself. I fully expect Lunchlady to fall voluntarily on her ladle after returning to the mainland due to a severe case of depression.
Until next time,
Wayne
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