YOUR SURVIVOR CHINA FINALE: DOES THAT SMELLY MOP MEAN…OH MY GOD, YOU GOT THE PROMOTION!!!!

It’s bittersweet when the Survivor finale comes along. On the one hand, I really do enjoy writing these newsletters and bringing joy to all of you. On the other hand, that’s all a bunch of bull. Happy Holidays!!

The two-hour whizzbang, gee golly whiz finale started with our four remaining contestants – Amanda Hugandkiss, The Lunchlady, Ally McWHYISSHESTILLHERE?, and Todd – being all super duper super about getting rid of Peih-Gee. Ally Mcalmostoutofmylife was all “hey, I can’t believe I am still on here.” Hey, guess what? Neither can any of us. Her spot in the final four is as unbelievable as that one time that one basketball team from that school made it into the final four that year. Talk about a Snow White story, huh? Yay, sports! Score a touchback!!

When tree mail arrives the next day, Amanda Hugandkiss says this may be the “most important reward challenge ever” because she knows they will need energy to win the final immunity challenge. I said the same thing about the coffee roll I ate this morning. I said, “this is going to be the most important coffee roll ever.” The woman behind the counter didn’t believe me, but it turns out it was pretty important. Without it, I never would have been able to taunt that homeless man I saw afterwards by waving it in front of his face while chanting, “Yummy Yummy.” The Lord works in mysterious ways.

The reward challenge had our final four having to build some sort of a mini “Great Wall” (CHINESE THINGS!!!) They first had to start on top of the wall, then climb down a ladder, then build this bridge thing, then use this other CHINESE THING to stack these blocks then carry them up the ladder to the wall, then build the wall, and then probably other Chinese-type things. The reward was some microwave pizza and lukewarm beer. Yay? Amanda Hugandkiss won. The Lunchlady did awful because she’s not good at puzzles. Unless its, of course, the age-old “how do you make two week old meatloaf edible” puzzle. Actually, she’s not really good at that puzzle either, but her husband doesn’t care. (pssssst…c’mere. I have a secret to tell you. Closer. Closer. Lean in and let me whisper it in your ear. HE’S FAT!!!!)

Now, Amanda Hugandkiss had a choice after winning the challenge. She could either bring one or two people with her to eat Boboli. She chose to bring only Todd. Probably because doing anything nice for Ally McEvil would probably get her banned from heaven and inviting The LunchLady would have left her looking like Ronald Miller after he invited all the cool kids to join him for pizza in Can’t Buy Me Love. She would have been all, “I’ll just eat this crumb off my finger.” And she wouldn’t have even had Cindy Mancini to cushion the blow.

While enjoying their meal, Amanda Hugnadkiss informs Todd that he is the person she least trusts and that he would probably be the person she would most likely expect to backstab her. He acted very shocked, which probably didn’t help his case. He did, however, give a very inauthentic Moe Szyslak-ish “whaaaaaaaa??” which was kind of cool.

Meanwhile, back at camp, The LunchLady and Ally McBlech totally did something that reminded me of that old Abbott and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. Ally was totally skinny while The LunchLady was all kinds of fat. So, yeah, it was just like that routine. It also reminded me of the time I saw a toothpick next to Shamu’s tank at Sea World. Man, that whale could do some crazy stuff.

When Todd and Amanda Hugandkiss return to camp, Todd talks with The Lunchlady about how he is worried about being the only guy at camp and how he’s on her side and all that. I couldn’t really hear it because me, my wife, and my brother kept rewinding it because my wife thought she saw Ally McPoop off doing #2 in the bushes. “Look, right there…right there…” And there she was, squatting in the bushes. We were so excited about catching that and being able to talk about it in the newsletter. How unfortunate when the camera then zoomed in on her just sort of crouching and listening. No pooping. Nothing. What a letdown. You know the show is good when the lack of poopy time is disappointing.

Then Ally McNotpoop went and told Amanda Hugandkiss all about what she just heard. They decide that Todd is a “slippery little sucker” and he is not to be trusted. If there’s one piece of advice I will hold onto forever from Grandpa, it’s that you can’t trust a gay Mormon flight attendant. If there is another piece of advice I will hold onto from ol’ Gramps, it would be “Bea Arthur is out to get me.” Eh, I guess that wasn’t so much advice as it was extreme paranoia. Why do I hold onto it? Because all the other memories are too painful. Although the closet was roomier than one would expect it to be. NO MORE WIRE COAT HANGERS GRANDPA!!! I’M A GOOD BOY!!!

Sorry. I’m just…sorry.

The next day, the tribe members get another dose of tree mail, instructing them to paddle out to some crazy statue thing to go through one of my favorite parts of Survivor – the torches of the fallen. Hey, remember Chicken? No. Remember Ashley? Barely. Remember Jerk-FatGut? Not fondly. Remember Erik? No. Nope. Yes…I mean, no. Man, we have had some good times here, huh? You guys…are my best friends…

FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

THE DEVIL INCARNATE explains to the contestants that the final challenge will have them stacking plates. Oh, excuse me. Stacking China. Because they are in China. You didn’t know???

And yes…it was exciting.

Well, think about it…lunchlady versus the waitress in a dish-stacking spectacular. But, alas, neither could hold up to Amanda Hugandkiss’s bowl-flip maneuver. It was something, folks. Her ability to rise above her competition and…and…sorry, I just cant make it interesting.

Amanda Hugandkiss won. Challenge over. Blah.

However, after losing, The Lunchlady tried to appeal to Amanda Hugandkiss by telling her that this was ‘all she had’ and that she ‘only makes 7 dollars an hour.’ Shut the crap up. I mean, this is how you plan on winning? I mean, you’re a lunchlady for crud’s sake…show some dignity. I will say that Ally McTerrible did have one redeeming moment when she said, in response to the Lunchlady’s pleas, “This isn’t welfare. You know, like she doesn’t deserve it just because, you know, she sucks at life.” Although, if having a mullet and being a lunchlady is “sucking at life” then I don’t wanna not suck at life. Know what I’m saying? No? Hey, remember television shows in the 80’s? Remember Double Trouble?

At tribal council, The Lunchlady says that Amanda Hugandkiss had her back or something, to which Amanda replied, “I did not, Wilma Ray Cyrus!!!” OK, she didn’t say that whole thing, but something close to it…and Todd was like, ‘that was cold.”

Later, Amanda Hugandkiss was like, ‘no you didn’t” And he was like, “sorry.’

But, I am getting ahead of myself. Despite The Lunchlady sucking at life, she was voted out. And at that point, we said goodbye to Cynthia and Cathy Pratt. But, ladies, please keep reading. I promise I will keep it interesting for you*

*That promise is void in all 50 states, Canada, and Luxembourg, surprisingly.

Back at camp, the next day, the remaining three enjoy a breakfast left for them – eggs, bacon, and fly-infested pancake batter. You come for the bacon and you stay for the disease.

Next up? Facing the jury. Some highlights:

Peih-Gee looked absolutely hammered. She couldn’t even keep her eyes open the entire time. Peih-Gee? More like Peih…Gee, I am super drunk. Right? Right?

Todd knew all he had to do to make Jerk-Fatgut vote for him was tell him he was awesome at something. I would have been all, “you are awesome at having a fat gut.” Man, I would be so good on this show.

Jaime wins the “most pissed off for really no reason” award of the night by being angry with all three of the remaining tribe members. I believe she was also very drunk. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just very drunk. Maybe I am very drunk right now. Who knows? Its between me and God.

Frosti? asked why in the original Frosty the Snowman it was such a big deal he came to life…but then in Frosty’s Winter Wonderland, it was like snowpeople were coming to life left and right – Crystal, the Parson…what’s the deal with that?

After all voted, THE DEVIL HIMSELF went to tally the votes and all of a sudden we were live and everyone was fatter than before. No fanfare yet again. Where’s the helicopter. Where’s the motorcycle? Where’s the alligator wrestling? You disappoint me, Probst…but I guess I should be used to it by now. You’re just a big disappointment.

And boo for me, because I actually stuck around and watched the reunion show. Only two things of interest really happened there. Erik (??) and Jaime are dating, but have not “sealed the deal” as the kids say…Erik (?????) remains a virgin. Nope, still not interesting.
And the other thing – I am sure you have all heard about the LunchLady fiasco. On the show, she admitted she was demoted to janitor after returning from the show because all the kids were too distracted after her brush with stardom. Upon hearing this, Mark Burnett gave her $50K. Then, it came out a few days ago that she was, in fact, promoted to janitor and is now making more money than she was prior. Just today, I read she gave the money back.

Now, yes, scandal…oooohhh…But shouldn’t we still feel bad for her. She was promoted. To janitor. Let that sink in. Imagine having a job where the next step up is janitor. Wow…its no wonder the pizza sucked at my school. How can you take pride in a job that is a rung below scrubbing third grade toilets. Excuse me…Revere third grade toilets…which just makes it so much worse.

Ah well, its been fun?

Next season is fans against all-stars. God, I hope Boston Rob and Ambah are back. Did I say hope? I meant please kill me.

Until next season

Wayne