Your Survivor Gabon Kick-Off Newsletter

Hey everyone…welcome to your first Survivor: Gabon newsletter. In this one, you will get your Survivor assignments and learn a little about our resident awful people. Now, this year CBS.com decided to throw me a curveball and not report on each Survivor’s favorites (Favorite Flower, Favorite Movie, Favorite Mortal Kombat finishing move). So, now I am left to make what I can out of their hella-boring bios and videos. And, having less material to work with from them means I am sort of left to my own devices to try and be, um, entertaining?

Therefore, remember the last kick-off newsletter when you were like, “Yeah, this is great and all, but is there any possible chance it could make less sense, because that would be super!” Well prepare to be confused-er:


Ace – was briefly employed as a photographer on the Pacific Princess. After a falling out with Gopher, the ship’s purser (really? That’s what Gopher did? Thanks Wikipedia!!), he met up with Gary, a struggling superhero with an oft-questioned sexual orientation, with whom he spent a good amount of time until Lorne Michaels decided that they should devote more screen time to pointing out how Barack Obama speaks slowly and John McCain is old. Most recently, he changed his last name to “of cakes” and can be seen on the Food Network doing crazy things with marzipan. There is also a Motorhead song about him and his love of gardening tools. The point of this whole paragraph? Ace is a stupid, stupid name.

Bob – “considers himself a hybrid of Indiana Jones and Robinson Crusoe.” I suppose because both of those people are old. Like Bob. Also, according to his bio, he used to be a “skunk relocater.” Um. Well. Ladies and gentlemen, Bob.

Charlie – was once upon a time an engineer. “Choo-Choo Charlie” was his name I hear. He had an engine and he sure had fun. And, according to reports, he used Good-N-Plenty candy to make the train run. Ever since, Charlie has been a champion for alternative candy-based fuels, but the fatcats in Washington have poo-poo’ed every idea he’s come up with, even though his arguments of it really “ringing his bell” and him not knowing any other candy he loved so well were well-researched, Congress has seen no reason to pursue his plan.

Corinne – despite being somewhat cute, will most definitely annoy me. She describes herself as a bitch and “cut-throat.” She plans on telling the cameras how she feels, while being totally phony to all the other Survivors. Shockingly enough, her bio says she was in a sorority. No. Way. Phony and in a sorority. Next, you’ll be telling me she didn’t save herself for marriage.

Crystal – could severely beat me up. Also, her last name is Cox, which is hilarious. Get it? Cox. Say it one more time. Now do you get it? Because that’s the same last name as Ronnie Cox, the guy who played Bogamil in Beverly Hills Cop. Do you think they’re related? Crazy. Why…what were you thinking? Huh? Oh man, you’re sick.

Dan – went to UMASS-Amherst. He was also born in 1976. Wait, is Dan me? Wait a second…his bio says he is ”attractive, athletic…” Holy crap. It is me. Wow. I hope I do good. I really deserve this.

Danny – Danny’s bio says his name is Danny “GC” Brown. I guess GC is his nickname. Good Catch? Goofy Character? God Chicken? I promise you, dear readers, I will get to the bottom of this. Hey, remember TC from Punky Brewster? He stole for that kid with the headband (Blade? I think) that lived in the garbage dump until Punky got him involved with Fenster Hall? And then he went ahead and stole the money from Fenster’s charity auction? “TC” stood for “Too Cool.” But, kids, there is nothing cool about stealing. Unless you can do it without getting caught. In which case, you’ll be the classroom hero. The More You Know.

Gillian – Is old. But, her bio states that she “has never satisfied her appetite for adventure and travel despite her wide array of experiences throughout her 61 years” and that she can “climb and rappel 4,000 foot mountains and swim with the Great Whites.” Oh, and also “For her 60th birthday, she got a purple butterfly tattoo on her left hip.” Er. Um. I foresee a lot of uninvited granny nudity from old Gillian. I just have a feeling she is one of those “I am still proud of my body” grandmas. DO. NOT. WANT. Grandmas are meant to bake cookies, not make me toss mine. I think I read that somewhere. It was either in the Bible or on a bumper sticker, but either way, it just makes sense.

Jacque – “thrives off pressure and has gone as far as competing against sales executives with 10 years experience to land her dream job as a medical device sales representative.” Really? Your dream job was to be a medical device sales representative? Like, as a kid growing up in Minnesota, that’s what you would tell the other kids? On Halloween, you would put on a mini pants-suit and go from house to house carrying pulmonary respirators? Well, I’m glad you could realize that dream Jacque. My dream was to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I know it’s a little late for a career change, but I think once the kids are a little older, who knows…ROARRRR!!!! See? Still got it.

Jessica – Remember 2Pac’s “THUG LIFE” tattoo on his stomach? Remember when you first saw that and thought, “hmmm…well….odd? But he’s a rapper. Maybe its just a rap thing. Plus, I really enjoyed the part he played in Poetic Justice”? No. Just me? Well, anyways, picture that tattoo on a white woman sans six-pack. Now, picture it centered around that woman’s navel. OK. Now, instead of “THUG LIFE,” imagine it looks like the cover of every Journey album. Well, there’s Jessica. All of a sudden, “THUG LIFE” seems pretty good, huh?

Kelly – says she is tough and strong. According to her, this is mostly because she had all brothers in her family and had to pull her own weight. “My brothers were always pushing me around, hassling me. You do this. You do that,” she says, “If I wanted to put the worm on a fishing hook, I would have to do it so I’d have to pull my own weight the whole time.” She pulled her own weight because she was asked to put the worm on the fishing hook? Five bucks she doesn’t pull her own weight.

Ken – Oh boy. Ken’s bio states, “Ken Hoang gives a new meaning to the term "gamer." Known to the gaming community as "the King of Smash," Hoang is a professional at his craft. As the current international champion of Nintendo's Super Smash Brothers Melee video game, Ken has traveled the world from Japan to Australia to prove his dominance.” That will come in handy during the Poke-ball and Bob-omb challenges. Also, during the “staying awake for 14 hours on Mountain Dew,” “living in your parents’ basement,” and “staying a virgin until you’re in your late 20’s” challenges. Good luck, Ken!

Marcus – is a doctor. And as a doctor he said they joked around in medical school that the three things you should do are, “Don’t smoke, wear sunscreen, and stay away from Africa.” That’s hilarious. Especially to all those people who live in Africa. They think its awesome that all these jerkface med school elitists are laughing at their pain:

Jerkface #1: “Hey Tad, you know the three things you should do to stay healthy?”
Jerkface #2: “Oh, Roger. Do I? Don’t smoke. Use sunscreen. And avoid Africa at all costs. Ha!”
Jerkface #1: “Pip! Pip! Old boy. Good show. Isn’t it great being a doctor? I love all the money and everything. Though I do hate helping people.”
Jerkface #2: “Yes, yes. Helping people really does take all the fun out of being a doctor. Oh Jeeves! Do go and fetch me another homeless person. I don’t think this one has any spots left that I haven’t urinated on.”
Both (raising Mojitos): To evil!

And, scene. Good luck with all that karma, Marcus. Watch out for them mosquitoes.

Matty – Matty’s bio says that he “inherited a trust fund from his grandparents, allowing him to live a comfortable life in paradise until partying it all away.” That sounds almost exactly like my life. Well, except for the “inheriting a lot of money” thing. Oh, and all the partying. I was never really popular. And the “grandparents that love you and give you stuff” thing….but other than that, I think Matty and I are like the same person.

Michelle – really doesn’t offer much in the way of ANYTHING INTERESTING on her bio, so I had to do a little digging. Turns out she is a member of Model Boxing – this group of women who box and, I don’t know, are supposed to look hot and stuff. But I never really know who this sort of thing appeals to. They are still wearing the helmets and mouth guards, so they just sort of end up looking like Clubber Lang with breasts. Oh wait…now I know who this appeals to. Me.

Paloma – has spent a lot of time in Africa. On a whim, she left and spent 3 months in Kenya among the natives and witnessing their suffering first hand changed her life. If she wins, she would like to donate some money to setting up an elementary school in Kenya. I bet she would really appreciate Marcus’ joke about avoiding Africa. Also, she’s pretty cute. Therefore, the current score is Paloma: 20,000; Marcus – negative turd.

Randy – is a people person. He “considers himself a ruthless bully who enjoys picking on those that were not blessed with his strength or intellect” and says that he “never met a person who didn't eventually disappoint him.” Also, he “has no living relatives besides an older brother, from whom he hasn't heard from in years” and “The only "person" he has ever loved was his recently deceased black Labrador mix, Johnson, with whom he lived for 13 years.” His main reason for joining Survivor was “to be hungry, tired, dirty and smelly.”
Aw, he’s just so lovably crotchety. Like that old man who used to live down the street from me. I went to his house once trying to sell him some candy for my school and he wouldn’t answer the door. However, I saw him through the window laying on his couch. Luckily, after I broke his window with a brick and climbed in, I found some money and stale ribbon candy on his coffee table. And he just laid there. Yelling, “help! Help! My heart!” What an old bastard. I hope he enjoyed his peanut brittle. Oh wait, actually, I spent his money on some Garbage Pail Kids. Childhood was such an innocent time.

Susie – Apparently, Peggy – down in design – got into a little bit of a tiff with Susie. Between you, me, and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker.

Sorry, I got nothing for Ol’ Suze.

SUSIE! The name is Susie!