SURVIVOR GABON EPISODES I AND II: LET”S MEET OUR LOVELY CONTEST…OH, YOU’RE JUST AWFUL, HUH?

Mark Burnett is indeed tripping, you all.

2 hours? 2 hours??? Yeesh. The things I do for my peeps.

Well, let’s get this thing started, shall we?

Last night’s show started with a whole bunch of WHAT??NO WAY? BURNETT=WHOA!!!! We open on Gabon (which I guess is Earth’s “Last Eden” – I think it has something to do with that Exit to Eden movie starring Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O’Donnell. Look, if this is anything like that movie…let’s blow that place up. Rosie O’ Donnell in a leather dominatrix costume? Thanks, but please shoot me) where all of our new, um, friends? line up to listen to LUCIFER, HIMSELF Jeff Probst. He then has them all introduce themselves and tell everyone their occupation.

I have already introduced everyone, so I won’t bore you with the details. But a couple things I do want to mention – (1) Ace is actually a photographer. How crazy is that? I swear I didn’t know. I’m a real soothsayer. I say, “sooth” all the time; (2) Crystal decided not to tell people she is a track and field Olympian, just a preschool teacher…I suppose this was to look weaker than she actually is. I guess that would have been a good plan if she didn’t have all that backne facial hair unbridaled rage muscle tone. (3) I am pretty sure that after Ken watched Napoleon Dynamite, he was like, “Mouth breathing. Hmmm. I am all about it.”

Then SATAN asked to have the two oldest people come up and stand on either the red or the yellow mat. Bob and Gillian are old. How do I know? Bob was wearing a bowtie. Unless he’s getting married or he’s James Bond, he’s old. And Gillian, I am pretty sure, just had that old lady smell…ribbon candy and mothballs. Also, she said when she was a little girl, hotdogs only cost a nickel and, “see this ball? I’m keeping it. It’s mine now.” So, yeah, they are old.

Bob on the yellow and Gillian on the red, they then proceeded to pick teams, alternating each pick. The yellow team ended up being Bob, Ace, “Sugar” (ugh), Marcus, Charlie, Paloma, Kelly, Jacquie, and Corinne. The red team is now Gillian, Crystal, Suzie, Matty, Randy, Dan, “GC”, Ken, and Michelle. Honestly, the red team did not do a great job of picking. Gillian, as we already know from the ribbon candy and mothballs, is old…Suzie? Also old. Randy? Yep, old. Dan? Not old, but just seems like an all-around awful guy. Ken? A “professional videogamer.” Michelle? Michelle is pretty hot. Also, Michelle was picked last, to which THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS said something like, “Ha-ha!”

Then they got names – yellow team is now Kota and red team is now Fang.

Fang? Like a vampire?
No no..its pronounced fang. Like, um, wrong.
Oooh, foreshadowing.

So then I was like, “oh, ok…let’s go check out the camps” but Mark Burnett was like, “BODY BLOW!!! UPPERCUT!!” Then I was like, “Great fighting. You’re an up and coming boxer.”

But seriously (huh?) he said they would be doing a challenge right then and there. BUT, SOME OF THEM ARE WEARING SUITS!!! SUITS, I TELLS YA!!111 The challenge involved them running up this hill. The first person from each team to reach the top would automatically have immunity. Both teams would get provisions up there as well, but the first full team to reach would also get an extra bag of food.

It was a really exciting race, neck and neck to the fini…HAHAHA!! SORRY. I COULDN’T SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE. Kota slaughtered Fang. This was mostly due to Gillian’s oldness. In fact, Matty kept trying to push her up the hill. By the butt. He was pushing her butt up the hill, which I equated to pushing a sack of tapioca pudding up a hill, without the delicious reward at the end. Mmmm, tapioca.

Have I mentioned how gross Gillian is? Well, its about to get even worse. Arriving at their new camp, Gillian starts saying they should go hunting for elephant dung. Because it burns well. Also, you can eat it because there are a lot of undigested seeds in it. Also, you can drink it. Also, its poop. Also, Gillian picked it up with her bare hands. Also, that came out of an elephant’s arse. Also, if eating poop is cool, consider Gillian Miles Davis.

Oh, in addition to the poop eating, Fang is also jumping right on the bug eating. Seriously, didn’t they just get a bag of rice? What is going on here? First, Ken and Michelle are eating termites right out of the mound and then they are cooking up grasshoppers back at camp. If eating bugs is cool, consider Ken…well, he’s still a dork. Consider Ken Lewis Skolnick. Oh, and here’s a shocker, Ken hasn’t kissed a girl since high school. No? Really? Well, unless you count that time he licked the TV screen after rescuing Princess Peach at the end of Super Mario 3.

Back at Kota, another shocker – Charlie is gay. Wow…Charlie and Clay Aiken? Next , you’re gonna tell me Liberace was…what? He was? Wow. Oh, and Charlie likes Marcus. Like more than a friend. Something about getting lost in his eyes. And he feels his spirit rise. He doesn’t mind not knowing what he’s headed for. He can take him to the skies. It’s like being lost in heaven. When he’s lost in…his eyes.

As night falls on Fang, Randy has an accident and bangs his head and bleeds and stuff. It was just like that old Dana Carvey “Massive Head Wound Harry” skit…except not entertaining.

Also…Kota? More like yoga. Huh? Oh, because they were doing yoga. YOU”RE not funny.

Michelle, meanwhile, is just a big ball of complain. She’s cold. Everyone is stupid but her. She will never find a guy as amazing as Wayne. Wayne is so handsome and athletic. Wayne is adored by women and feared by men. Wayne once made love to ten supermodels while saving a busload of blind kids. You know…just complain, complain, complain.

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it, the tribes would belt up to one another, go through a maze, dig up some puzzle pieces, and then solve a puzzle. Something like that. Winning team gets immunity. Fang had the lead until they lost steam digging for puzzle pieces. Then they just stopped, even though Gillian kept flapping her grandma arms and yelling at them. In the end, Kota won.

At the Fang camp, discussions were starting as to who everyone was going to vote out. It was coming down to Gillian and Michelle. Old versus Cold. The bungle in the jungle. WHO YA GOT!!!111

At tribal council, PROBST was shocked at how unorganized their team was and “GC” and his oversized T-shirt said the tribe needed a leader. The tribe voted that he be the leader to which he was like, ‘Um, I guess.’

They ended up voting off Michelle…which wasn’t all that smart. Because she was hot and they kept blurring our her naughty parts. Also, she had this to say, “I'm not really surprised. Losers stick together. Fat people stick together. They decided to keep Gillian, who's like a hundred and five, and to vote me, who's twenty-four and completely fit. I mean they're all idiots. They're all voting off the strongest member, so it's going to be interesting to see what happens. Very interesting.” Heh, Fat people stick together. Especially in this heat, right?

But wait….there’s more…

Now, we were treated to a whole ‘nother episode of Survivor.

Yay?

Back at the Fang camp, people seem happy to have Michelle gone and to have a new leader – “GC”, who assumes leadership by starting a fire. Then he danced around said fire. If I were him, I would be more careful. His T-shirt is much too big to be waving around a fire.

At Kota the next day, everyone is happy because the other team is bad. “Yay, we are not as awful as the other team,” they cheered, “I mean, we still aren’t good…but we aren’t God-awful either. Hoopee!!” I disagree. Marcus and Charlie take a boat ride to discuss forming an alliance with Jacquie and Corinne. Marcus then says that this is all like an onion. Him and Charlie are like at the center and then they need the other layers. Then he, and his wisecracking donkey, set out to find the beautiful Princess Fiona and the Gingerbread Man was all, “Not my buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.” Ogres have layers.

At Fang, GC is not leading very well…

GC: Alright, I’m gonna go grab some water to boil for the rice
Randy: GC, you might as well just use lake water. The water up there is already boiled and clean…this way you don’t have to boil it twice. It’s just water bro. We’re surrounded by water, bro.
GC: Isn’t it good to be clean. Who said anything about boiling it twice, dawg?
Randy: Yeah, but…you’re boiling it for the rice.
GC: Rice is rice, bro. Water boils. Boil rice. Rice. Water. Pots. Dawg. Big T-shirt.
Randy: (head explodes)

The next morning, Fang further crumbles…Before sunrise, GC begins washing his GIGANTIC T-shirt while everyone is sleeping. This annoys Gillian. Then, Ken starts talking about how if you jump on a turtle shell in world 2-4, just right, you can get 99 extra lives. Then a fire starts. Then, everyone is up talking. Gillian has had enough and tells them they need to try and keep the “blah blah blah” down until sunrise to save their strength. GC takes offense and, for some reason, this leads to him resigning as leader.

Dan then says he can’t believe their leader resigned. Of course, when GC offers the position to Dan, he declines. Because his “management style would not be fitting for the tribe.” He actually said this. To GC. With the giant T-shirt. Wow. I hate Dan.

Later, preparing for the reward/immunity challenge, Dan “paints” his other tribe members’ faces with charcoal as war paint. Only this was probably the worst war paint job I have ever seen. Super Mario’s (Ken’s) face, for example, reminded me less of war paint and more of, “Awww, honey. We just can’t afford a Halloween costume this year. Why don’t you be a hobo?” A hobo, Mom? Seriously, you want me to dress like a homeless person for Halloween? That was the worst. No, actually, the worst was the next year when I followed up “hobo” with “strung out junkie.” Hmm? No, not for Halloween. I mean I developed a serious heroin problem in second grade. There’s a lesson here somewhere. I think it has to do with drinking and driving. GI JOE!!

So, for this reward/immunity challenge, the tribes were playing for immunity. AND fishing gear. AND the chance to send a member of the other tribe to SUPER SCARY ISLAND. Each team had to push a boulder up and down these hills and through these gates and grab keys to unlock the final gate…first team to the end wins. The tribes were dead even up until the end…and guess who won. Fang? God, you are stupid. No, Kota won. They decide to send Dan to Exile Island.

On OHMIGOD WHOA SCARY ISLAND, Dan is faced with a choice. He can either choose comfort (an apple??) or a clue to where the hidden immunity idol is. It says its in a crater on the other side of the lake. To which Dan says, “hmmmm, it could be anywhere. Maybe even in the lake.” I repeat…it said, on the other side of the lake. Dan proceeds to look in the lake. He then walks out of the lake and starts digging around, but can’t find it. I would say that Dan should have gone with the apple, but I am pretty sure he would have tried to skip it across the lake or sell it for some magic beans.

Back at the Fang camp, people are starting to strategize. Super Mario, Crystal, and Matty are all targeting Gillian. Gillian is, meanwhile, trying to convince Suzie she should side with her against the young people on the tribe. It was crazy…I think. By now, I was just staring at the wall wondering how my life had come to this.

When Dan returned to camp, though…everyone got a little paranoid thinking he found the hidden immunity idol. “he’s a lawyer,” said Crystal, “so he must be smart.” Hmmmm…you know who else is a lawyer? Star Jones. Case closed. See? I’m a lawyer too. Look at me in mah fancy suit and with my big talk. “No, you are not allowed to expose yourself to any saleswomen, even if you do want to complain about how these bikini briefs can’t contain you.” Well, la-dee-da, Mister Ivy League. Maybe I don’t have yer fancy degrees or yer both the same size legs, but at least I have my dignity.

Ahem, moving on…

At tribal council, the most interesting thing was Dan’s choice of outfit. He wore his tie. All done up. Now, I understand that they had to make due with the clothes they wore (though why anyone would wear a suit there anyways, I have no clue)…but even if you have a shirt and tie, why would you wear it to tribal council? Oh, right. Dan is a tool. An enormous tool. He also emptied his bag out to prove he didn’t have the idol.

In the end, Gillian was voted off. She is old. And at least that spared us any chance of granny nudity.

Until next time
Out-complain, out-granny arms, and out-there’s 2 hours of my life gone,
Wayne