Wednesday, December 9, 2009


So, its pretty crazy how good this season of Survivor still is. I actually have been having conversations with others about how good it is. And this, honestly, hasn’t happened since like the year 2000 or some crap. Seriously, I feel like next we are going to be hearing about voting miscounts, singing the Thong Song, and rushing to watch Martin Lawrence’s magnum opus Big Momma’s House. A man dressing as a woman is funny. A man dressing as a fat person is funny. A man dressing as an old person is funny. A man dressing as a fat old woman? Not that funny, actually. Weird. You would think putting three awesome things together would equal triple awesomeness. Like the time I watched Kidco while listening to We Are the World and sniffing White Out. Well, it would have been even better if my kids weren’t continually asking me to change the TV to the Disney channel.

There’s a choice we’re making. We’re saving our own lives. It’s true we make a better day. Just you and me.

So, the show started with the Aiga tribe returning from tribal council after voting out Laura due to John’s voting switcheroo. And Monica is none too happy. “We all want to make it to the end, but at some point you need to show loyalty and integrity and respect for the people that you made promises to,” she says, “John has to go home.” Yeah, makes total sense. That’s what this show is based on. Loyalty and integrity and respect. And puppy dogs and unicorns and fairies and other things that the show is so obviously not based on. Like vans with pictures of wizards on them. Although a show about that would be pretty awesome. I bet it would involve a lot of mullets and Mixed Martial Arts.

The next morning, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely return with treemail which, to everyone’s delight, contains money for everyone. “FOOD AUCTION!!!1111one one1” yells Monica. Which was pretty smart of her. Usually when I receive money in an envelope in the mail, I either assume it was a mistake or I was sleep-dealing-Ecstacy again. Yes, your honor, it IS a real medical condition.

So, the tribe arrives at the challenge and sits on the bleachers as THE ARCHANGEL explains the rules. Each person has been given $500 and bidding for each item starts at $20. And no sharing of either money or food. Which just seems like a terrible lesson to be teaching the children of the world, Mr. Burnett. Even worse than the lessons of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which teaches children that it’s ok to be a bigoted a-hole, so long as you’re Santa Claus. Oh, ok Santa…so you tell this kid’s parents that their freak son will never drive your sleigh. And then you tell the kid. Right to his face. In song. And then, when you realize you can capitalize on this poor animal’s deformity, you’re all, “Hey buddy. Hey….Um. About all that crap I said earlier. You know I was just kidding, right? You’re a really special reindeer….why don’t you come guide my sleigh and what not? Then maybe we can go out for an ice cream after. What d’ya say, pal?” Frakkin’ two-faced fatso.

And don’t even get me started on how he craps all over the elves after they sing him a song. They wrote. For him. In between their non-paid work in his sweat shops.

The first item up for bid was a PB&J sandwich. And Natalie bids $200. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone if they remember her love of eating from The Facts of Life. Plus, if it was made with delicious Welch's Concord Grape Jelly, then it would be understandable because of its full, bold flavor and Welch's commitment to making real grape products. For real people like me.

Welch's – It’s the mad bomb, yo.

The next item came out, covered. And Richard Simmons outbids everyone with $240. And it ends up being sea noodles and sea slug guts. Which must have been disappointing. Even more disappointing than going to see a Barenaked Ladies concert. You mean I brought all these one dollar bills for nothing?

Then, Monica won a cooked chicken. Mick won a cheeseburger. And Natalie won a shower. In front of everyone. And despite me going up close to my TV, kneeling down, and trying to look in, we couldn’t see anything.

Now, one item came out and THE DEVIL said it promised a significant advantage in the immunity challenge. And JaiSON ended up bidding his whole $500. He said he did this to help out his old tribe members. So selfless, that JaiSON. Winning something to help him win the next immunity challenge. This was the most selfless thing I have seen someone do since Uncle Scrooge didn’t give that money to that mole and mouse dude collecting money for charity because he wanted to make sure they still had jobs in Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Man, Mickey’s Christmas Carol is such a timeless tale. I wonder why it hasn’t ever been retold. Hm? Dickens? Doesn’t ring a bell. But you know what else is a great story? Oliver & Company.

Heh, you said Dickens.

Also, John won both a clue to the hidden idol and a piece of apple pie. And he was given a choice when he went to get it. He could either have the slice all to himself. Or, he could get a whole pie to share with 4 people. And he ended up keeping it all to himself. He said it was because he thought everyone was nice and wouldn’t vote him off because of this. Then, he said he thought OJ didn’t do it. Because, why would he lie? Then he sent all his money to this guy in Nigeria who sent him an email claiming he had millions waiting for him. Then he was really stupid and naïve is what I am saying to you right now.

After the challenge, back at camp, John searches for the idol but comes up short and suspects that Spacely now has yet another idol. Which he, of course, is completely correct in assuming. He would also be correct in assuming that I am an International Man of Mystery that men want and women want to be. Wait. That’s not right. Take that last part and reverse it. Also, did I say correct? I meant completely incorrect. Wow, this whole last paragraph was just a complete and utter waste. Like that Single Guy show.

After this, Richard Simmons starts preparing for the DEATH OF THE CHICKENS. Its come time for the tribe to kill the chickens for food. And Richard Simmons is not happy about it because she has befriended the chickens. She says she comes and talks to them sometimes when she needs to work things out. Which might sound crazy. But then I remembered how I do the same thing. With the trees. I talk to the trees. But they don’t listen to me. I talk to the stars. But they never hear me.

Wow, seriously…did I just reference Paint Your Wagon? When did I become a grandfather? No, seriously. When? This kid was just left here with a note saying I was his grandfather. OK. There was no note. But…well. OK, he wasn’t left here either. I found him at the supermarket. In someone’s cart. While they were checking their tomatoes for freshness. But, whatever. We seem to be getting along. It’s a lot like Punky Brewster. Except instead of me being a crotchety old dude constantly complaining about how this child has taken over his life, I am a handsome young hipster who still goes out and parties and drinks. And leaves him alone. At home. In the closet. Don’t judge me.

So, the chickens are killed. And Richard Simmons cooks them. Badly. And when Dave informs her she is cooking them wrong, she gets upset saying that she has had a bad day and he should just lay off. This leads to her saying Dave should be voted off. Not because of this exchange, of course. But because she had a dream she was gonna vote Dave off. And she feels that this tells her something. I wonder if that’s true. Do dreams really tell the future? If so, when do I tell my wife about Kim Kardashian moving in? After the holidays? Good call.

Haha….I am probably going to be sleeping on the couch for that one.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In it, the tribe members had to hold onto a log with a rope and, every three minutes, they would be asked to switch hands and move down a knot on the rope, making it harder to hold on. And we got to see what JaiSON’s advantage would be – at any time in the challenge, he could move up two knots on the rope, giving him a two-knot advantage over everyone else. A pretty big advantage. Though probably not as big as the advantage as Slater had when he and Zack got in that fistfight over who got to go to the dance with the new girl. I mean, Slater was on the wrestling team. Though Zack could freeze time. Hmmmmm…this is a tough one. Let me put it into my pop culture analysisizer. Beep Beep Bop. And the result is: YOU ARE LOSER. Oh, even my own computer. Good grief.

At the end, it was JaiSON and Dave hanging on for immunity. Dave made a solid effort but, due to JaiSON’s advantage, ended up dropping his log. Which is just too obvious a joke.


Back at camp, everyone seems on board to vote out Dave based on Richard Simmons’ premonition. But, an exchange between John and Spacely looks like it might change things. In it, John suggests that, if they are in danger, they use the idol. Spacely tries to pretend he doesn’t have it, but John gets him to spill. And, because of that, Spacely says, “It was my mistake, but sorry John, you gotta go home for it,” Oh Spacely, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

So, Spacely starts recruiting people to vote out John with him, winning over both Dave and Monica. He then brings in Mick and JaiSON, reluctantly. JaiSON is a bit worried about turning on Richard Simmons because of her vindictiveness. I haven’t seen anyone this scared of Richard Simmons since that brush. Because of his hair. Its crazy and hard to tame. So, you know, if you were a comb and had to make it through that, you’d be scared. This is joke. Ummm…hey, remember Quantum Leap??

At tribal council, THE DEVIL INCARNATE asks if people were scrambling today. Spacely says yes and this shocks Richard Simmons. Judging by his hair, I would say this wasn’t the first thing that ever shocked Richard Simmons. Because shock could mean surprise, but it can also mean an electric shock. Which would make someone’s hair stand on end. Er. Hey….remember that Ghoulies??

More surprising, I am sure, was that the majority voted off John even after Richard Simmons’ dream. So we say goodbye to John. Sorry John, but at least you can feel better knowing that you were never in one of Richard Simmons’ dreams.

Until next time,


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