I have made a lot of ridiculous statements in my life –
“Spice World is hilarious,”
“I hope I never buy a cell phone,”
“I would be an asset to your company.”
But I think I can say, without reservation, this may be the best season of Survivor ever. Yeah, ok, I guess it’s a little “catering to the masses” that they keep hiding immunity idols all over the place, but meh…so is Jackass. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching Steve-O get kicked in the crotch by Wee Man. In fact, I enjoy the hell out of that. I AM THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR!!!
But its just been really enjoyable, and last night’s episode is no exception. The episode started with everyone returning from last week’s Kelly blindside at Tribal Council. Mr. Spacely was extremely happy with himself, comparing himself to Picasso. Which seemed a little over-the-top. Much like the training montage in Rocky IV. I mean, in one instance, Rocky actually pulls Paulie on a sled through the snow. I don’t even think there was a benefit to Rocky there. What if he caught a cold? I think Paulie was still pissed about that pinball machine.
Most of the women seem pretty pissed about how Spacely and his crew blindsided Kelly. Laura claims that he “ruined everything.” Spacely and Richard Simmons, though, laugh this off; Spacely says, “I ruined everything? What did she think I’m here for? To bake her cookies and cakes?” I hope she doesn’t think that. Because she is going to really feel misled at the end of all this. And that sucks, trust me. Like when I was a kid, I ordered these Sea-Monkeys out of the back of a comic book. And they didn’t live up to the hype one bit. In the ad, they were all driving cars and shooting basketball and performing interpretive dance. When I got them home, it was a major disappointment. Turns out all they do is look like my water bottle after I’ve been eating a lot of crackers. Sea Monkeys? More like, um, Sea Turdfaces.
The next morning, Spacely does what he does best, and searches for the hidden immunity. “They’re like magnets to me,” he exclaims. Which reminded me a lot of in high school. I was regarded by some as a “chick magnet.” In fact, I used to walk down the street and people would say, “hey, there goes the chick magnet.” And by “people” I mean “my mom.” Hmmm…and thinking more about it. She may have said “stick magnet.” Which would make more sense. Since I used to walk into sticks all the time. That were thrown by the neighborhood kids.
Meanwhile, Richard Simmons approaches John about voting our Laura at the next tribal council if she doesn’t win immunity. If she can convince John to vote out Laura, then they would have the numbers to switch the balance of power. Which is different than if they voted out the pharmacist in It’s a Wonderful Life, because that would shift the balance of Gauer. Or if they voted out the big dude on Police Academy, because that would shift the balance of Hightower. Orrr….if they voted out the Purple Pie Man on Strawberry Shortcake, because that would shift the balance of flour. Get it? No…the joke is that I had nothing else to write about. Isn’t it hilarious how I don’t have talent?
Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the tribe is split into two teams – Purple and Yellow. One person from each team has to lay in this cradle thing held up by ropes which are, in turn, held by other members of the team. The people holding the ropes have to guide the person in the cradle around to grab these flags and stick them in these slots. Yep. Oh, and also the SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE SPRINT PALM PRE. Which I guess is a phone or something. You know, back in my day, the only phones we had plugged into the walls. And we liked it. And if we wanted to purchase one song at a time, we had to buy a cassingle (Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now was one of my first because I am awesome.) And we loved it. And if we wanted to look at pornography, we had to ask the homeless guys down by the railroad tracks to buy it for us. We didn’t have fancy Internets and age verifications. And we, I don’t know, were actually pretty uncomfortable with that one.
The yellow team consists of Richard Simmons, Jaison, Monica and Mick, with John in the cradle. The purple team consists of Dave, Brett, Laura and Russell, with Natalie in the cradle. I gotta say…Natalie kicked ass in this challenge. I gotta say – I didn’t expect much from her, but she has definitely risen above expectations. She has really surprised me. I don’t think I have been surprised like this since the end of ALF. What the hell. So, he’s taken away and. And….nothing. I haven’t been that surprised about something since that time Natalie kicked ass in a challenge. What? My mind works in a circular fashion is how my mind works.
Anyways, the purple team wins because of Natalie’s awesomeness. And they win a picnic at a waterfall. I guess picnics at waterfalls must be Samoan traditions because I am pretty sure they won this same prize last week. I am pretty sure. I tried to go back and read last week’s recap, but I couldn’t wade through it. I mean, that thing is complete nonsense. You guys have awful taste.
So they went on a picnic. And it was super boring. Too bad it wasn’t like that song my parents used to sing to me when I was a little boy:
If you go out in the woods today
Your guts are sure to spill
If you go out in the woods today
They’ll come in for the kill
For every bear will tear your flesh
And drink your blood, because
Today's the day the rabid grizzly bears have their picnic.
Huh? You think that’s bad you should hear the one about the black widow spider that stuffs dead children up a water spout every time it rains. Those songs taught me valuable lessons. Like make sure to keep a steak knife under my pillow.
Although at the lunch, they did get to look through the SPRINT PALM PRE and it gave them some clues as to where the hidden immunity idol was. And one of the clues was a picture of where it was hidden. That’s really more than just a clue. It’s more of a HEY LOOK UNDER THIS SPECIFIC ROCK. It was kind of like if, instead of leaving clues for Scooby-Doo and his pals, the bad guy just left a note saying “I am the old man who owns the carnival and I am wearing a mask and I would have gotten away with this if it wasn’t for you crazy kids catching me in a half hour from now.” Jinkies.
As soon as they get back to camp, the search is on. Dave has a plan. His plan is to follow behind Spacely. Which seemed kind of stupid. Also stupid? When everyone else started seeing Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street. It was much better when everyone thought Big Bird was a damned dirty liar. Because it taught kids an important lesson – don’t trust birds. I wish I heeded that advice. Because here I am. Still waiting. For Feathers to come back to me. Sniff.
Anyways, Spacely loses Dave in the jungle. Which really does not make Dave look all that good. For those of you who haven’t seen what Spacely actually looks like, imagine chasing Danny Devito through the jungle and he lost you. Imaging Danny DeVito lost you…by running. You can pretty much pack up any self-esteem you have and toss it off a bridge at that point.
And then Spacely comes back to a rock and he finds it. He finds another idol. And no one sees him do it. Its pretty amazing that he keeps finding these things. More amazing than those kids who used to solve Rubik’s Cubes with their feet. Though that’s probably not the most amazing thing I have ever seen anyone do with their feet. Remember Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing? His moves were divine and watching him made my…I mean, what? I mean, remember him in Road House? Remember how hot chicks are and that punching a dude in the face is the best? TESTOSTERONE!!!!!111
Next up was the Immunity Challenge. THE DEVIL HIMSELF explains that this is a 2-round challenge. In the first round, every tribe member is assigned a color and gets one throw at a set of tiles. However many they break in that one row determines how many tries they get in the second round. In the second round, those that earned attempts have to try to hit a target with a bow and arrow. So, Brett is the only one that earns two tries and he, along with JaiSON, Mick and Monica (due to Dave being awful again and knocking out her tile) take their shots at the target. Mick ends up winning, despite Brett’s multiple tries.
Before tribal, Monica has a plan to convince the remaining Foa Foas that she wants to vote out John and, with Richard Simmons dead set on voting out Laura, get all of Galu to vote out Natalie, thus making it 4-to-5 and getting Natalie out. Mr. Spacely didn’t buy this for a second. And he went to John and told him the plan that the Galus were putting into play. He, being the one they were putting out there, was none too happy about any of this…So he said that he would vote with his tribe, but if that resulted in a tie, he would vote for Laura. Are you confused yet? I am. But I get confused easily. I mean, this morning it took me like 3 hours to do the maze on the back of the Trix box. Turns out it was the ingredient panel. And it was a box of ziti. And it was 8:00 at night. And I was drunk.
So, then came tribal council. And when THE PROBST read the votes, it came out to be a tie between Laura and Natalie. So, everyone had to re-vote and if it came out to be a tie again, they would have to leave it up to fate and draw rocks. Man, Bob Ross was so good at drawing rocks. So, everyone votes again…and when the votes are read again, it comes out that Laura received one more vote this time. And she was out. So, someone flipped. Who could it be? I can’t stand this mystery. Who in the hell could it…Oh, it was John. Right. Duh.
Until next time,
Wayne
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment