SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU KICK-OFF

This is the first in a series of flashback posts designed to let people take a little stroll down memory lane and relive all that was, erm, other seasons of Survivor.

Well well well...here we are again. It seems like only yesterday we were in that other place talking about what-his-name and who's-her-face and why's-her-uh, butt. Those were really good times and I have been instructed to say that I am writing this newsletter of my own free will. Yes, well...
So, I figured before the big show this Thursday, I would write a nice kick-off newsletter for you all to get acquainted with our new tribe members. And, believe me, we have some winners here...big time. As you remember, I said last time I did a kick-off that the other newsletters would not be as long. As you may also remember, I lied. So let's not kid ourselves.
Let's Get started...shall we? We shall....

Ami C - In addition to spelling her name with that annoying "i" at the end, Ami further proves she is useless by being both a barista and a model. What is a barista, you ask? You know those people that screw up your caramel macchiato at Starbuck's..that's her. When she's not busy rifling through the tip jar for quarters to call her local radio station for tickets to the next Natalie Merchant show, Ami is busy modeling....uh huh. Just because you say you're a model, that doesn't make it so....Maybe she is referring to those polaroids Starbuck's now puts up to get us better acquainted with our coffee monkeys, er, baristas. Her favorite snack food is her dad's beef jerky...the joke referring to this is only for those who are part of our adult forum, which you can join by sending me $19.95...its worth it just for the dirty drawings I did of Ambah from last season...they rule.

Brady - Brady sucks...Seriously...I guarantee he is going to suck. His favorite scent? "Any perfume on the neck of a beautiful woman." His favorite flower? "Whatever she likes" His favorite fruit is "I hate fruit, but I love women!" His favorite color? "I wanna have sex with lots of women to prove I'm not gay green. YEAH LADIES!"

Brook - As funny as Brady's favorite scent was, Brook definitely shines in this category. Brook's favorite scent is "Woman." His hobbies are ice hockey, working out, and date rape. By the way, Brook's favorite movie actress is Britney Spears. Brook is looking forward to being shot....by me. Brook is from MA...yay, we look stupid.

Chad - Due to cancer, Chad had to have his leg amputated, which is sad, but he does have a new leg, which is cool because it makes him like a pirate. Which you all know I love...ARRRRRR MATEY! Actually, you may think this is a cop out because of the cancer thing, but he his favorites are hard to make fun of....his favorite video game is Donkey Kong...so rock on...ARRRRRRR!

Chris - Chris enjoys four wheeling in his jeep and going to NASCAR races. I assume his other hobbies include wearing stained shirts, tipping cows, and eating bologna sandwiches, but that is just a hunch. His biography reads, "Daugherty currently resides in South Vienna, Ohio, with his fiancée, Lorie, and his pet lizard." Yup, pet lizard....Chris is gonna go far in this game.

Dolly - Has a stupid name. Oh, and "while she would give up her sheep for six months in order to get a $1 million, she wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize her spot in heaven." In other words, Dolly will be boring...

Eliza - Nothing funny about Eliza...Sorry I tried. I was going to make some correlation about her liking Sex on the Beach to the fact that Survivor is on the beach which could in turn mean that she will, in fact, have sex on the beach, but as I began to write it, I started to hate myself and went to the bathroom and cried...You know what's funny? Midgets. Midgets are funny.

John K. - is not running for president. Just so we avoid any confusion.

John P. - hehe, pee. John's music tastes range from the crappy poser rock stylings of Linkin Park to the crappy poser rock emo stylings of Nickelback to the crappy mainstream rock of Staind. It is much more positive to focus on the fact that his name ends in a bodily function.

John Q. - is a powerful drama which stars Academy Award winner Denzel Washington as a father who takes extreme measures to save his son's life when his insurance company refuses to cover his heart transplant surgery.

Julie - When I saw Julie's picture, I thought maybe she could be hot, but then I saw that Butterfly Effect was one of her favorite movies and she became very, very ugly.

Lea - "Sarge," as people who are afraid of him call him, says that "while he would run throughout Times Square naked to get a $1 million, he wouldn't do anything that involved lethal consequences for the money." Pardon me , sarge, but isn't running through a busy street naked a sexual offense? Yeah, got him....score: Wayne: 1, Sarge: 0.

Leann - has pretty eyes. Her favorite cookies are listed as "Twix, Kit Kat, Heath, and Caramello" and her favorite candy bars are 'chocolate chip, white chocolate chip". Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! For those of you paying attention, typos=comedy!

Lisa - Lisa is a born again Christian that makes homemade soap. I look forward to taunts of " Hey Churchy, we are dirty. Make us some soap!" I really hope that happens.

Mia - I can't tell if Mia is hot. Is she? I watched her video and I still can't tell. If she's not hot, I would say "Mia? More like Pee-a." If she is hot, I would say something like "Oh, Mamma Mia!" so you see its important that I find out.

Rory - Encourages you to take a look, it's in a book...A Reading Rainbow. Doesn't he look like the Reading Rainbow dude? No? Well, I had nothing else to write about him, so BACK OFF!

Scout - Is an old hippie who I assume people are going to be begging the Christian soapmaker to help. "Hey Churchy! That crunchy old hippie hag stinks...conjure up some of your born again voodoo and make her some soap!" Her favorite scents are "patchouli oil, the smell of Papa's hair" The patchouli is a given. Hippies like to smell like dirt. But Papa's hair? Maybe she means Papa Gino. Because I assume his hair does smell pretty good too...like pizza...hmmm, I like this chick now.

Travis - Travis is what happens to wrestlers after one suplex too many. "Sampson currently works in loss prevention at Wal-Mart." Superfly Snooka, where are you now? Travis does have one good thing going for him. He listed Don Knotts as one of his favorite actors. Anyone who puts Mister Ferley in their top three is alright with me.

Twila - loves to go mushroom hunting. Make of that what you will, but I knew a kid once who did that and took one of the mushrooms and thought he was a glass of orange juice. He had to stay still for eight hours so he wouldn't spill...oh, and she has a son.

As I think we have learned in the past, my descriptions really only touch on a piece of what each of our tribe members have to offer. I am sure they will show us that they suck even more than I have discovered, so we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Wayne