Who?
Zhan-Hu.
Zhan…Who?
Right.
Right?
So, Zhan-Right sucks?
No, Zhan-Hu.
I don’t know, Zhan Who?
Exactly.
Zhan-Exactly?
HULK HOGAN SIGNATURE LEG DROP!!!!11111
Last night’s episode began with Zhan-Hu (Who? Zhan…oh, just shut the hell up!) really just not liking each other all that much. Well, actually Dave (former model, current tool) and Ashley (current wrestler, current woman?) really don’t like each other mostly. Oh, and it looks like Sherea really doesn’t like Dave either. And Jaime. And me. And you. The show started, pre-credits, with a bit of disagreement on where the shelter should go. Dave thinks here. Others think there. Jaime wants to eat. Erik…was also there.
Back at the Fei Long camp, tensions are also rising as well. Jean-Robert just cannot stop sleeping. Which is a really good plan. If there is anyone other people on the tribe like, it’s the guy who sleeps all the time. On top of that, he not only sleeps, but he snores. Loud. Like Three Stooges loud. Jean-Robert? More like Jerk-ummm…fatgut. Yep, Jerk-Fatgut. No, you’re a terrible writer. Also, remember when I said that poker playing was cool? Yeah, Jerk-Fatgut totally ruined that whole image. He’s much less Matt Damon in Rounders and much more Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy Me Love (What? They played cards). Actually, no…he’s worse. He’s Patrick Dempsey’s red-haired friend (“You sh*t on my house!!”) Aaron actually calls Jerk-Fatgut out in front of everyone on his mono-nucelosasicty. The exchange went a little like this:
Aaron: “Hey man, you sleep a lot, dude. Unlike me. I surf. Dude.”
Jerk-Fatgut: “Well, I can’t
Aaron: “Hang ten, man.”
Jerk-Fatgut: “I just
Aaron: “Bogus”
Jerk-Fatgut: “This test counts for eighty percent of our
Aaron: “Fatty McGee…you’re the fattest”
What??
Jerk-Fatgut said, though, this laziness is part of his strategy though. Though. He is essentially setting the bar low so that when he starts working, people will be like, “Wow…he’s working a lot harder than he was before. Go Fatty Go!” He is super strategic. I did the same thing. For years, whenever I would see a box of kittens, I would light it on fire. Then people would say, “oh…there goes Wayne. He just loves watching kittens burn and be on fire.” Then, one day, after I lit it on fire, I poured some of my bottle of Fiji on it. In the end, I guess I should have poured the whole bottle. But I was really thirsty. Anyways, now people say, “There goes Wayne. He loves Fiji.” Wait…what was I talking about?
Also, Amanda (Hugandkiss…heh. I’m looking for Amanda Hugandkiss. Amanda Hugandkiss. I need Amanda Hugandkiss. Can someone please find me Amanda Hugandkiss…Why, you little.), Todd, and Aaron entered into an alliance. Although Amanda and Todd actually only invited Aaron in because if anything goes wrong…he can be the scapegoat. Those bastards. Those sneaky sneaky bastards.
Back at the Zhan-Hu (Who?) camp, Dave and Captain Lou Albano continued to not like each other. Dave wanted to really build a nice fire pit with stones and everything, while Captain Lou just wanted to put more rubber bands in his beard. Hey, remember Cyndi Lauper videos? Remember things from the 80’s? Remember Freshen-Up gum? Also, Captain Lou also thought the fire pit seemed useless and wanted to just get one going already. As a former model, though, Dave knew better and continued to build the pit, despite Captain Lou’s ringside taunts.
Jaime is just really hungry. And everyone is in their underwear.
Then came the reward challenge. In the challenge, each team was to square off in THE PIT OF MUD!!!11 and push these giant balls (heh) into the other teams goal. Everyone is free to stop the other team in any way possible. They can even “wrestle” the other team away from the ball. Mud. Wrestling. Mud wrestling. Oh yeah. It’s on. And it was raining.
I don’t really know what was going on in the mud pit, because it was full of more blurs than Dre’s “Nuthin’ But a G Thang” video. It was also a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Oooh, behind that blur are Amanda’s naughty parts. Yay! Wait, Jerk-Fatgut’s butt. Boo! I don’t even know what they’re blurring there with Ashley, but Yay! Aww, Jerk-Fatgut. You ruin everything.
Guess who won.
Who?
Nope, Fei Long.
They won some fishing stuff. The rewards are so boring at this point in the show. But they also got to kidnap someone from the other tribe. They chose Jaime because she was a “ball of sunshine.” My thought is they probably remembered she didn’t have a bra. She also got to take with her a mystery scroll. Zoinks Scoob!!! What do you think it could be?
It ended up containing a clue about a hidden immunity idol Jaime, however, could not read it herself. She had to share it with someone on Fei Long, who then could read it. Who could it be? Oooooh, I don’t know. OK, it was Leslie. Suspense sucks.
Leslie, meanwhile, was busy crying. Why? Was she just really tired? In pain? Missing her family? Sick? Well, she was sick…but that wasn’t her cause for sorrow. Nope. She needed her bible. She needed to spend some “time with God.” God, meanwhile, is said to be very thankful for the break.
However, when Jaime shared this clue with her, Leslie said that it was a “gift from God.” Er, no…it was a gift from Jaime. Unless…No…Could Jaime be? Praise be to Jaime.
Not content to keep this secret to herself, Leslie decided to share this newfound information with Todd. Yep, Todd. The ultra-religious Christian talk show host teaming up with the gay Mormon flight attendant. That be crazy! This could be the most outrageous pairing since a visionary by the name of Brett Ratner saw fit to put a fast-talking black man with a fast-footed Chinese man. “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” High-larious!
The immunity challenge was next and it involved something called a Chinese puzzle log (log…heh) …which I am pretty sure is made up. But they had to break down a door with the log (hehhehe) and then take the log (OMG!!11) and then put the log (hahahaha) through a puzzle maze screw thing and then bang a gong with the log (ROFLMAO!!!!!!111111////) to signal they have won. Dave, despite his being a former male model, couldn’t muster the strength to keep going in the door-breaking part of the challenge and therefore slowed Zhan-Hu down enough to lose the entire challenge. Way to go, Dave!
Although it seemed that it was between Dave and Jake “the Snake” Roberts up til the end…Ashle…errr Jake “the Snake” got all votes except for the one she cast herself for Dave and was sent packing.
This is unfortunate, as it robs me of any future wrestling references. So, in order to get those out of my system…here you go: Ted “the Million Dollar Man” Dibiase, the lovely Elizabeth, King Kong Bundy, George “the Animal” Steele, the Bushwhackers, Mr. Perfect, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Koko B. Ware, Earthquake, the Iron Sheik, Bret “the Hitman” Heart, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Ricky Steamboat, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Big John Studd, Bam Bam Bigelow, Demolition, Zeus, Kamala, Big Boss Man, “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, Tatanka, Mr. Fuji, Shawn Michaels, Doink the Clown, Sensational Sherrie, Gorilla Monsoon, Dino Bravo, Bobby “the Brain” Heenan, Sgt, Slaughter…that is all. Oh, also…the Amazon from Ninentdo Pro Wrestling (heh…the piranha bite.)
Until next time,Wayne
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