I know this one is a little late, but...writing the finale newsletter is always a tough thing because I feel so much pressure to make it the best of the season. I think, you know, it's the last newsletter, you really gotta make it count. And then, then I remember that I am not getting paid for any of this and I think, screw them. So, that's where we are. If you are disappointed with this newsletter in any way, I would ask you to keep your damn opinions to yourself...or tell yo mama!....word bootie.
Of course, the show started with Skeletor saying that she was shocked at Turkey Loaf's decision to vote off hot Julie's butt, especially in favor of Twila's and Scout's respective butts. Mmmmm, butts. Guy-la and Skeletor ended up getting into a bit of a thing about Guy-La hinting that Skeletor did not deserve to be here because she does nothing, except glow green every once in a while (you know, I think I have made that glowing green joke before, but honestly, I don't think Skeletor actually ever glowed a green. You, see, I had a Skeletor mask when I was younger that was of the glow-in-the dark variety and I think that is where I am getting confused. You see, I sniffed a lot of glue when I was younger, and...dammit, shut up!). Skeletor, return, said that Guy-la didn't deserve to be there, to which Guy-la replied, "I am rubber and you happen to be glue." Mmmmm, glue.
The immunity challenge came quick in this episode...everything seems to come quick in the finale (insert dirty joke here...I am staying away from it), to make room for two of my favorite Survivor mainstays, which we will get to later. Wow, you can tell its early...know how long it took me to remember the word mainstay? There is that UMASS English degree hard at work. The immunity challenge was, as the Probst put it, "the first Survivor vertical maze," which he seemed to think was a big deal. I didn't see it. I mean, just because it was the first? This was also the first season with a shemale in the running, and he never once mentioned it. That is what really keeps us all tuned in. The challenge itself was pretty uneventful. The funny thing was how even the Probst seems to have given up on Scout. "And there is Scout, giving it her all." Seriously, why is she still there? Seriously, how is she still alive? Seriously, why am I attracted to her? Seriously, I have lost feeling in my left side. Seriously, I must not go towards the light....ok...false alarm. I'm better now.
Turkey Loaf ended up winning and of course promising to keep everyone. Guy-la acted pretty excited about getting rid of Skeletor, and really, who wouldn't? That whole evil overlord thing gets old pretty damn quick, yo. Meanwhile, Scout still felt pretty secure, which blows my mind. Damn, is she sexy. In the end, Turkey Loaf continued his bridge burning and voted off Skeletor. On one hand, I thought it was smart because in the jury, I was pretty sure Skeletor would not vote for Guy-la, but on the other hand, have you ever seen that mo'fo brandish the sword of power? It's something to think about. Skeletor, in finding out she was off, gave her trademark mouth gape, resembling Munch's Scream, and off she went. In her final words, she said that it appeared she didn't have a single alliance...those who live by the sword of power...you know how it goes.
And then came Survivor mainstay (now that I remembered it, I am gonna try to use mainstay as much as I can today) favorite #1: the torches of the fallen. Seriously, this part always makes me laugh. The Probst came and told the Survivors that they had to follow the extinguished torches up to Roy Matta's final resting place. I never mentioned this the first time ol' Roy was brought up, but was there seriously a Vanuatuan chief named Roy? Roy...very intimidating.
"Quick, everyone, flee the village...here comes....Roy? Oh, never mind, We can hang around"
Oh right...the torches. So, this part always makes me laugh mainly because of the reaction to the first few torches. "Oh, remember Brook?" Ummmm...Brook...right...he was the one who used to sleep at night, and then remember when he would get up in the morning? That guy. "How about John P.?" Yup, good ol', um, P-brain...remember when I called him that? No? Well, you must not have been part of the cool clique. Remember now? I thought so. I gotta admit, when they got to Levar Burton's torch, I shed a tear, cuz I'm missin him. I'm still; alright to smile. Levar, I think about you everyday now....The final ones are kinda funny too...because they didn't like any of them. "Remember Ami? Yeah, she was a bitch. Remember Skeletor? Yeah, god, she was a bitch. Remember Bubba? I miss Bubba. No, wait, he was a bitch." Then they got to Roy Matta. Each Survivor had to bring something to offer Roy. They all brought stupid stuff, but Scout treated us to some Native American chant, I believe, which, although I am sure Roy didn't understand (being frOM VANUATU IDIOT!!!) we all knew to mean "Remember Roy Matta? He was such a bitch"
The final immunity challenge was one of endurance, which I like. Each tribe member had to hold a bow and arrow in a warrior pose without falling off these two stumps for as long as they could. Surprisingly, Scout was out first...that's what you get for calling Roy Matta a bitch. Turkey Loaf tried to make a deal with Guy-La, "look, I will dedicate my next album 'I am now a Turkey Loaf out of hell, fool' to you." Guy-la wasn't having any of this , "I HAVE A PENIS!!!" she shouted back. "You go Guy-la", cheered Scout. Turkey Loaf ended up winning. Yay for food!
Turkey Loaf, of course, ended up taking the less-liked Guy-la to the jury with him in tribal council, and Scout gave Turkey Loaf a big smooch on the lips, and I think even tried to swap dentures with Turkey Loaf. Being the only 112 year old ever on the show, she was shocked to find she was the only one with dentures and had to go home without a million dollars and without her teeth. Loser.
Now came favorite Survivor mainstay #2: facing the jury. This is always a treat. Skeletor, using words as her sword, definitely had the speech of the night...calling Twila a bitch...expected, and then calling Turkey Loaf a bitch." The exchange went like this...
"And Turkey Loaf, you a bitch"
"Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?"
"I am calling you a bitch, fool..."
"Oh, no she didn't"
"She did...and what'chu gonna do about it?"
Turkey Loaf then throws his shoe at Eliza...
The audience cheers, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Other highlights...hot Julie cried, Scout actually made some sense, Leann still had me scratching my head trying to remember her on the show, and Sarge made his final plea to be an extra in the next Alan Jackson video, wearing a shirt that could only be described as so American it makes me wanna puke.
Then, after all the Survivors had cast their vote, the Probst made his best exit/entrance ever. Anyone who has followed Survivor even casually has been witness to this horrid display, but this one took the taco. Probst took the urn, or whatever it is and, with machete in hand...made his way through the thick bush of Vanuatu...only to come out to sunlight on the other side. Leaving us to think that the Probst was walking all night...then...he climbs aboard a small plane...(it was a mail plane...how can you tell? By the two little balls hanging off the bottom...SWISH!) then he says, "this is where I get off" and sky dives over the deserts of California...and just when you think it can't get any more cringe-inducing, he straps the urn onto the back of a motorcycle and hauls off. Remember when riding a motorcycle was cool? Well, forget it...those days are over. Jeff Probst is a bitch.
Back at the studio in CA, Probst arrives to a standing ovation...people are dumb. And we get to see not only Twila with the best hair in the history of Survivor, but da da da dum de dum...Meat Loaf has returned to all his flabby glory. I think we all know who won already...it was Meat Loaf (god, it feels good to say that again...) Oh, and did anyone catch a glimpse of Turkey Loaf's brood? It's a good thing Dad wore his good suspenders and his clean John Deere cap....
One more thing before I go....March 2005....PRINGLES WITH SURVIVOR TRIVIA ON THEM...only three short months...what the hell?
Thanks everyone for reading...
Outgain all you weight back, Out-be-slimy, and out-that's how you win a million
Wayne
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