SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE III: STILL BETTER THAN GREY’S ANATOMY

Sorry for the late newsletter this week everyone, but I promise I will make it up to you with a thrilling, highly interesting Survivor recap that will in no way bore you or confuse you, but instead will make you feel as though YOU WERE THERE!*

Before we begin, though, I wanted to say a word about last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy:

SPOILER AHEAD

It was awful

END OF SPOILER

The show began in Paris Hilton-vision with that really horrible, terrible, sorry excuse for a tribe talking about how brutal tribal council was. The tribe came to the realization that they need to pull together as a tribe to win. Great Strategy! Also, they came to the conclusion that fire is hot, water is wet, and OTHER OBVIOUS THINGS!

Back at Moto, the tribe spent the morning eating plantains and painting the floor. Then, after crapping in his golden toilet, Boo commented on the tribe’s good fortune, “It’s not even survival, it’s ‘thrival’” Boo’s strengths include being clumsy, one word sentences, and word play that makes absolutely no sense. BOO!...got’cha.

Upon his return from Exile Island, Earl asked his tribe, “You know that guy who just spent a whole night with a bunch of snakes? The guy who still has no idea where the hidden immunity idol is? Well, that’s me. My name is Earl.” Sorry, these are the only Earl-based jokes I can come up with. Maybe I’ll come up with something better soon. It’s still “earl”-y. Heh, see? Things are already looking up.

Michelle, sick of being without fire and a personality decided to at tackle one shortcoming at a time and held her glasses to a dry piece of coconut husk. Eventually, the sun broke through and there was fire. Then, to get a better look at it, she put her glasses back on and burned her retinas. Man, that would have been so great. Anyway, Rocky exclaimed, “now we got that shot in the ass we need.” Basically, with fire, they felt the other tribe should “look out now” for them. Right…didn’t you say the same thing when you found the pineapples last week? The only thing that may help you guys is some sort of basketball-themed reward challenge where Yao Ming can finally prove he deserves to be on the show…

…

…

Well, look at this…this is sort of basketball-y. The reward challenge started with the Probst congratulating Ravu for sucking a little less and making fire. Then he stole someone’s soul. Anywho, the reward challenge went like this: Survivors would square off, one-on-one, and make their way down a slippery course of, I don’t know, Mazola? To grab balls (heh) and square off, one-on-one to try and get them into the basket, squared off and one-on-one. You would think Yao Ming’s tribe would have this one locked, but you’d be an idiot. Also, the Joker kept slipping on her butt and screaming “curses!” over and over. Clowns are funny. Also, they couldn’t have done this challenge when the participants were attractive? Mazola? Hello. Hi. Mazola.

So, Moto won (surprise!) and won their choice of luxury items, fishing gear, or fruit (they chose fishing gear) and the opportunity to send one member of Ravu to Exile Island. SNAKES! They sent the Joker because of the time he killed Moto’s parents outside a movie theater when they were just a little boy. I know…it doesn’t make sense, but I have to get in all my Joker jokes while I can. THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA!!

On Exile Island, the Joker reflected on her poor performance, “this is more embarrassing than the time I went to Vicki Vale’s apartment and found her with that millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Man, that Bruce Wayne looks so familiar.” She then looked at the new hidden immunity idol clue. It was some sort of rhyme, but I forget what it said…something like:

Joker is ugly
Joker is dumb
Her face hurts me
Dig under the tallest arch in the cave for the hidden immunity idol
Sailboats sail far on the water

Back off ladies, this poet is taken.

Back at the Moto camp, OLD GUY #1 did what most old people do and got forgot his name. He couldn’t catch his breath and got dizzy. They ended up calling in the Survivor medical team. Survivor Medical team? Jesus. Look, if this was a real test of survival, OLD GUY#1 would do what most old people would do in his situation…die and be eaten to better the tribe. Who would have seen this coming? The old fat guy is having trouble breathing and doing things? INSANE!

Immunity challenge time – fear factor style! Yup, they brought out the nasty food (giant clams, octopus tentacles, fish eyes, worms, etc.) and people had to eat them and, well, that’s it. I’ll just skip to the end…Anthony lost it for Ravu as OLD GUY#1 beat him in the eating of pig snouts. I bet, since he had already started losing his mind, they just told him it was prime rib or that rice pudding they have on Thursdays at the rest home. GRANDPA POWER!

So, again, that really horrible, awful, sucky bit of a tribe has to vote someone off. Mookie was not happy with Anthony because of how badly he performed at the immunity challenge. So it was between Anthony and the Joker…except in the mind of Rita (who?) Rita had a crazy plan to select someone no one expected her to. Huh? That may be the stupidest plan I have heard since that guy in Season 1 who voted according to the alphabet.

In the end, though, the Joker’s evil ways were thwarted…for now. As she was leaving she said, “good luck” and then squirted them all with her trick flower full of acid. Surprisingly, the deformities it caused actually made them all look a little better.

Until next time
Out-grandpa, Out-suck at everything RAVU!, and Out-curses BATMAN!
Wayne

*my fingers were crossed