SURVIVOR FIJI EPISODE VI: SERIOUSLY, OSCAR WAS A REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIE

Hello all and welcome to your special Thursday edition of YOUR SURVIVOR NEWSLETTER!! CAPS=EXCITING, RIGHT??

Last night’s show started eerily similar to last week’s and the week before – Ravu was tired and unhappy. Evidently, flies have overtaken the camp and this has some of my least favorite people less than excited. So, for me it was a good night. Yao Ming also seemed happy about still being there. Apparently being a 5-time NBA all-star carries some serious weight because there really is no other reason for him to still be there. Then, upon getting tree mail, Anthony got excited about the challenge having to do with “brainteasers and food.” “What are things Nicole Ritchie avoids like the plague? I’ll take potpourri for $400, Alex.”

BREAKING NEWS: In a wonderful new development, Michelle’s outfit seems to be getting smaller by the minute…we will keep you updated as this story progresses. Now, back to your regularly scheduled work of genius.

At the challenge field, THE DEVIL INCARNATE tells each tribe to select a member. I guess all involved must have misheard that as, “Pick two people whom we have all forgotten are still on this show” because both Earl and Ed-tardo stepped up. MEPHISTOPHELES then tells everyone to “drop their buffs” in his smug way and informs them that they will be choosing new tribes. Ed and Earl were to choose someone from the opposite tribe and then those people had to choose from the tribe they also were not of belonging to and so on and so on. Since there was an odd number of people, one person would have to be left out. The new Moto tribe is now Earl, BOO!, Michelle, Stacy, and Cassandra. The new Ravu were Ed-tardo, Mookie, Alex, Anthony, Kelly Kapowski, and Over the Top. (“Meet me halfway…across the stars”) Anthony and Lisi ended up being the last two left…man, Anthony is seriously going to kill himself after this show. But, at least he was deemed better than FAT, ANNOYING, COWBOY HAT GIRL.

Left alone to her own devices, apparently Lisi goes cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I guess she wants to go home? I’m not really sure. When LUCIFER stated that she is still in the game, she responds laughing, “I thought this would be like, I'm out. Now would be a good time to exit.” Then she goes on to say, “All I'm saying is that I wouldn't mind you know, saying, 'Okay, great guys, do your business.” Then she ate some sand, peed her pants, and declared herself the king of England. Lisi es loco y grande. No such luck for us, she is banished to super slithery snake island.

BUT…THE….TWISTS….DON’T…END…THERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, DAMIEN:THE OMEN II says we still have to figure out who lives where. Ed-farto and Earl RPS (“rock, paper, scissors for those of you not in the circuit”) to decide who reaches into the bag o’ buffs to blindly select an orange (crappy Ravu camp) or green (less crappy Moto camp) buff. He selected orange. Right.

While on snake island, Lisi “explains” herself, “After the team split yeah I pretty much had a fit," laughs Lisi. "I wish I would have just stopped for a minute and let things soak in. But I'm more of an abrasive character. Dude I can't change who I am. You either take me or you put me on Exile Island.” Abrasive? ABRASIVE?? Oh right…actually, she’s pretty on point about that one. She sucks. On the bright side, we did get a nice close-up of her face and an aerial shot down her shirt. Did I say bright side? I meant awful, blinding, dark side.

Arriving at the less crappy Moto camp, Earl, in his excitement, starts jumping all over the furniture with glee. It reminded me so much of the scene from Annie where she arrives at Daddy Warbucks’ house and starts running all through the rooms and…Erm, I mean…ummm…Football rules! And hot chicks! And other heterosexual things! Also, Earl called the place “ri-donk-ulous.” “You know that guy who spouts off really out-of-date ethnic slang? The guy who just can’t seem to develop a personality on this show? That’s me. My name is Earl.”

THIS JUST IN: A witness has confirmed that, yes, Michelle’s outfit is definitely shrinking. Not only her bottoms, but now her top is allegedly even growing smaller by the minute. We will keep you updated as blurs develop…

Back over at Chez Crap, the new Ravu men attempt to lift camp morale by saying how much they hate women. Rhinestone said something to the tune of, “Look, I like women for, like making out and conversation, bro…but in this type of game, you don't need any stupid girl stories or distractions or anything stupid like that.” When he said “women,” I assume he meant to place the words “passed-out” “inflatable” or “80 year-old” before that because I am pretty sure that’s the only making out he’s been a part of. Anthony, meanwhile, held back the tears as he claimed, “I'm a nerd; I'm a geek, I'm a dweeb, whatever the hell you want to call it. I have been for forever. This is the burly man team. And right now I'm obviously the weakest person on the tribe. I am so screwed right now.” Then, for some reason, the writers decided to throw in a shot of a bunch of red ants devouring a spider. Was that supposed to be a metaphor for something? Is the spider Anthony? Are the red ants Jeff Probst? I am so confused.

Switching back to Chez Not as Crap, Cassandra decides to bring coffee out to the fishing-occupied Earl and Yao Ming. She sees an opportunity and is obviously trying to form an alliance with these two. Earl likes this, “I have Yao Ming. I have Michelle. They're all about the team. All you need's that one vote. And then who has the power then? That would be me." I really have nothing funny to say about that. Apologies.

Over at Ravu, Alex attempts to bring Mookie into his already existing alliance with Ed-tardo, and Kelly Kapowski. They all decide to vote out Anthony over Cliffhanger because, I don’t know, I guess some people do still remember he was nominated for an Oscar for Rocky. A warning to you all though…never trust anyone who was involved in the movie Oscar. No, not even Marisa Tomei.

Also, Anthony has started fearing his place in his tribe is not secure because he is the one tending the fire and fetching water. He also does this horrible cowboy impression thing that went something like this, “Old Cookie’ll just stay back heyah and tend tha fiyah…” Awful. Such a dumb joke. Nowhere near my level of humor. Like, remember that time I was talking about Boo and then I ended the paragraph with “BOO!” Now, that’s good stuff.

The immunity challenge involved each tribe being secured into a six-point, star-shaped hub and had to communicate with each other to make it through a bamboo maze. That’s the best explanation I can give. I guess I can throw in an adjective. What’s the opposite of exciting and enjoyable?

After a few tie-ups between tribes, Moto ended up winning. You may just think the name Ravu is cursed, but remember what I said about Oscar earlier. Exactly.

Anthony, now on the chopping block (ugh, did I just say chopping block?) tries to rally the tribe members together to vote off Assassins. Then we are treated to a nice montage of overreactions and angry outbursts by our monosyllabic friend. Ed-tardo also took a break from being boring to say that his new tribe member has a “few screws loose” and he “wouldn’t like to be friends with him.” Then he faded back into obscurity.

At tribal council, Nighthawks laid into Anthony…calling him a girl, telling him to put on a skirt, saying he’s feminine and WE GET IT! HE ACTS LIKE A GIRL PLEASE COME UP WITH OTHER POINTS OF VIEW. In retaliation, Anthony just repeated Rocky’s words back to him in a higher voice.

“You’re effeminate, bro!”
“Effiminate?”
“You’re like a little girl”
“I’m like a little girl?”
“All you do is whine.”
“Whine?”
“No thanks. I’m driving”

Laughing….and…..freeze!

Oh, right…Anthony was voted out.

Until next timeOut-whine, Out-act like a girl, and Out-hope that Michelle’s clothes grow even smaller by next week,Wayne