Well, my luck is changing, my friends. This week, not only did I get to say goodbye to a tribe member I hated and a running joke that was getting a bit hard to keep fresh, but I won a fifty dollar gift certificate to one of my favorite eateries, was treated to a splendid Office marathon last night (still have a few to watch on my DVR), and my son actually requested to watch “Punky Brewster”, thus saving me from the emasculating task of manipulating him into watching it. I fully expect Florida, Georgetown, and UCLA to get stuck in some ice cave in the Arctic, thus making it possible for my final four to be fully in tact this weekend.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, it was the Christmas episode of Punky where she tells Santa Henry all she wants is one thing for Christmas – her mom. Since she had earlier been told he didn’t exist by Billy Bahootsiz, Henry made it his mission to bring back her mom and ended up discussing this with the real Santa at his magical antique shop. Since her mom is impossible, Santa brings Punky’s mother’s jewelry box, which plays the exact song that Punky had earlier revealed was her mom’s favorite. Awesome, right?
Well, until next time…
Out-Brandon, Out-Margeaux, and Out-Punky Power!
Heh, kidding…
Hey, remember the time Cheri got stuck in the refrigerator and Alan couldn’t save her because he didn’t pay attention in CPR class? No? I’m the only one? Wow, you guys are losers.
Anyways, last night’s episode began with Ravu awaiting Lisi’s return from super slithery snake island. Being all guys, they were like, “Well, I hope she likes football, and barbecue, and kicking each other in the face…YEAHHH! GUYS! HETEROSEXUALNESS AND GUYS!!” But, they really had nothing to worry about. Being both incredibly annoying and a post-op transsexual, Lisi fit right in. Everyone except Kelly Kapowski was excited. “I didn't like her. She didn't like me. She should be worried out of her mind,” warned Kelly, “Remember that time I put on a blonde wig and a trench coat to catch Zach with my little sister? I can be quite diabolical. Go Bayside! SPIRIT FINGERS!!111!!”
At Moto, Earl and Yao Ming were even diabolic-er. You know that guy who takes the tribe on a meaningless walk to go find our boat? The one who did it so a famous basketball player could dig for an immunity idol? That’s me. My name is Earl. And this time it worked. Yao Ming found the idol. Being much more loyal than anyone else who has ever played this game, Yao tells Earl. “I would have never thought that a big strong black man would become one of my best allies in this game. Especially after that time Shaq hurled ethnic slurs at me back in 2003.” Fact-based references are cool.
As the tribes assembled for the reward challenge, EL DIABLO explained the rules. They essentially just had to hurl fireballs at targets using a lacrosse-like hooked hurler thingy. Think Jai Alai, but more exciting. Did I say more exciting? I meant much less exciting. First tribe to hit three targets wins and is swept off to a Ms. Pacman-less arcade via seaplane to eat hot dogs and not play Ms. Pacman. Also, cbs.com called the challenge “Hot La Cross Buns.” They are so not as funny as me. Hey, remember Teen Wolf?!! LOLZLMAO!!!1111!!!!\\\
Nothing much notable happened, except for when Rambo III and Mookie were mocking Yao Ming right before he hurled a fireball right onto a target. Then, when The Specialist got up, he pulled out his usual ‘I suck at everything’ tactic. After he missed, he let out a loud yell. He does that everytime. Hey, Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot, we all expect you to not be good at things…don’t act so surprised.
Also, Ravu won its first challenge. But, as I mentioned before – No Ms. Pacman. They also sent Earl over to Slimy Slimy Snake Aisle…again.
At the arcade, excited with the spread of hot dogs, beer, and brownies, the tribe starts chowing. Mookie commented on one of his new tribemates, “Lisi doesn't hold back. She just went straight at the food and the beer.” He was surprised by this? I was shocked she didn’t start gnawing on the table and try to eat a bowling pin.
After eating one too many hot dogs, all HELLO MOTO!-ers are hunched over in pain or heading to the bathroom to give a little back to the sewers of Fiji. All except Demolition Man, who takes the opportunity to make fun of everyone, “Hey you guys ah wicked sick, huh bro? You guys ah totally acting like I did one time I drank like a handle of Bacahdi and totally threw up all ovah Yawkey. It was pissah!!! RED SOX BRUINS PATRIOTS SOUTHIE WHITEY BULGER THE SWAN BOATS I’M FROM BOSTON!!!” Ed-tardo wasn’t happy. Probably because there was no Ms. Pacman. Or Zaxxon.
And…Earl was bored on Exile Island. As was I…Ummm. Yes. Moving on.
Back at Moto, Yao has a fiendishly clever plan. He paints up a coconut shell as a fake idol and buries it where the hidden idol was, um, hidden. Then he laughed maniacally. Then he tied Cassandra to a train track and twirled his moustache. “Those fools!” he shouted, “Mighty Mouse will never catch me!” Then he punched a turtle. The sun does things to people. Cool things.
For the immunity challenge, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS explained that the all the Survivors would be blindfolded, except one who would be the caller, and would have to make their way down a pathway as the caller directs them and smash one of the hanging skulls (yes, hanging skulls) to send a packet of tiles flying to the ground. Then, still blindfolded, they would have to bring the tiles to a table, leave them, and make their way back to hand off the smashy thing to one of their tribe members. After all tiles were collected, the tribe would have to run up and solve a jumble. Least funny. Paragraph. Ever.
It started with Michelle (wearing pants this week for some reason) calling for Moto and Lisi calling for Ravu. They probably selected List because of her being loud and annoying all the time…but I guess they must have forgotten her ability to suck badly at everything, because in the middle of the challenge, Alex had to step in as the caller. Overall, it was boring, but it got me thinking. How bad of a children’s party game is the piñata? Seriously. I was at a kids’ birthday party recently and they had a piñata. Blindfolding kids and making them swing a bat around leaves the opportunity for injury rather high. Hmmm, did I say it was a bad game? What I meant to say is that it’s awesome and schools should probably work it into the pledge of allegiance every morning. And videotape it. Kids are great, aren’t they?
Also, in a shocking twist, Ravu lost!! “Shocking”? More like “mocking”!! Which is what I just did right there. Is this thing on?
So, facing tribal council, Ravu was faced with the “who to vote out decision.” Alex and Ed-tardo decided that they would rather have someone loyal than someone strong, so they were leaning towards keeping Lisi and voting out Demolition Man. I don’t know about you, but I think Lisi could probably take Copland…and me…and you…and Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Plus, has anyone else there been watching the same challenges I have? Demolition Man hasn’t been good at any of them. Strong? Assassins got pushed off a platform by a male cheerleading coach. Can you tell I am trying to squeeze in as many Stallone movies as I can?
In the end, nobody liked Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. Seriously, nobody. Not even small children. So, Oscar is gone my friends. Also, Rocky V, Tango & Cash, Lock-Up, Cliffhanger, Driven, Daylight, Antz, Judge Dredd, and Rhinestone. I guess he was also in an episode of “Kojak.”
And for those of you who enjoyed the misadventures of our caveman-like moron, he is the first member of the Survivor jury. So, you got that going for you. Also, may God have mercy on your soul.
Until next time
Out-annoy, Out-inspire hate, and Out-yell-to-mask-your-suckitude
Wayne
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