Honestly, it’s like this show can read my thoughts. Every person I loathe seems to be getting voted off every week. First Judge Dredd and now this? If we could only take care of the other ten people I don’t like, we’d be all set. But, I am getting ahead of myself. Hey, self, catch up! Right, onwards and upwards. Pip! Pip!
The show started with Mookie, Alex, and Et-tardo looking for the hidden immunity idol. Although Lisi had gave them the clues, they saw no reason to include her in the search since she is a truly horrid person that wears a cowboy hat and is built like Kubiak from “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose”. They did end up finding it and decided to keep it between the three of them, shutting out Kelly Kapowski and the hairy-pitted Lisi. Also, while both Alex and Ed-tardo think that the idol is equally split between them, Mookie has other plans. “"You could say that myself, Alex and Edgardo have the Idol,” stated the less than interesting Mookie, “but in my mind it's in one pocket and that's in my pocket.” Then he rubbed his hands together, said “Muahahahahaha!” and a bolt of lightning touched down behind him.
As Mookie was covering up the spot where they found the idol, Lisi woke up and asked what he was doing. “Oh, um, erm, hm, well, ah, ooh, uh, hmt,” replied Mookie. “Doing a little idol searching?” asked the ever-annoying Lisi. “Yeah, YEAH that’s the ticket,” said the poorly-named Mookie. Then, talking to the camera, Lisi explained how she caught Mookie and that he’d have to wake up pretty early to pull something over on “this old cat.” Yep, he would have had to wake up about a half-hour earlier. Which he did. And got the idol. Instead of this old cat. You. Dummy. Also, I don’t know if a cat is what I would use as comparison. Maybe a hippo. I don’t know. What kind of animal has the most BACK-FAT?
CULTURE SELL-OUT ALERT! CULTURE SELL-OUT ALERT!
In every season of Survivor, there is one episode where the culture of wherever they are basing that particular season trades its years of history and culture for what I assume is a box of year-old Zagnuts. This, my friends, is that moment.
Instead of tree mail, our less-than-likeable tribe members were greeted with four Fijioanese dancers. The tribes had to learn a traditional Fijianatoan dance and perform in front of a panel of judges. The winner gets a Fijanatonaneseican feast. The loser gets to lose. It was sort of like that movie You Got Served. Anybody see it? No. No. Yeah, me neither, but I did see New York Minute with the Olsen twins. I assume they were both equally as hardcore, but mine had less K-Fed, so I win.
Moto seemed to be doing well. Earl took the lead and said he had to lean on his “Michael Jackson moves” to get in the rhythm. I didn’t see any of that though. Not once did he touch any…
…Ooh, is he going to say it?
…is he?
… you know…the thing Michael Jackson is notorious for…
…oh man, I think he is gonna say it…
…part of his crotch. What did you think I was going to say? I am not going to pass any judgment until all the facts are in. You people make me sick.
Also, Earl said BOO! was “doing the whole white guy thing” during practice. What white guy thing? Seriously, I don’t get the joke. I’ve heard we can’t jump, but the whole not dancing thing? I’ve never heard that. People really say that? Who? Eddie Murphy? Chris Rock? Martin Lawrence? Never heard of them.
At Ravu, Lisi was not taking the challenge seriously and this really bugged Kelly Kapowski. “This reminds me of the time when Lisa hurt her ankle right before the big dance contest at the Max and her date backed out and then Screech danced with her anyways and they invented the dance called ‘the sprain.’ Gooooooo Bayside!”
So, both tribes met to dance in front of the tribal judges. This reminded me of the time I had to dance in front of a tribe for my food…and life. I did an hour-long running man, punched clear through the chief’s chest and made out with his daughter while I held his still-beating heart. Then I drove my Ferrari Testarossa off a cliff, jumping out minutes before the car hit the water and was rescued by a boat full of supermodels. True story.
Moto went first. You know that guy who comes through and actually does good at a challenge when he says he will? The guy that can actually dance and do well and stuff? Well, that’s me. My name is Earl. Yeah, Earl did pretty good…as did the rest of Moto. But I still hate ‘em because I am bitter. Bitter, I tells ya! Bitter!
Ravu did not so good. I wish I hadn’t made that Punky Brewster reference last week because their performance reminded me of the time she took tap dancing classes and couldn’t dance and was out of rhythm with the rest of the class. Hey, remember the time Cheri got stuck in the fridge and..huh? Last week? Oh, sorry. I suck. But at least Kelly Kapowski ended the dance with a backflip and a basket toss. Just like they did in the olden Fijianese times. We get it. You cheer. Knock it off. They lost and Lisi got sent to Exile Island.
At their feast, Moto all of a sudden was all in love with each other. I think I even saw the usually bitchified Stacy holding a baby. How surprised was she when she was told now that she has danced the sacred dance with him, she’d have to marry him. Tune in next week for the brand new CBS show, “Stacy and the Fiji Baby.” Watch as Stacy tries to balance keeping a clean hut with escaping grasp of crazed, bloodthirsty cannibals. With guest star Pia Zadora, its bound to be hijinks for sure. That’s Stacy and the Fiji Baby. Tuesdays at 8:30 on CBS. Don’t miss it!
Lisi, stuck on super scare SNAKE ISLAND, was brought to tears. “Ravu just can’t seem to win challenges,” she cried. Gee, you think maybe you should have taken things a little more seriously? She is really awful. And man-like. And full of BACK-FAT. She then went on to say she wanted to quit. Please re-read my awful, man-like, and back-fat critiques. Spot-on, obviously.
Nothing really exciting happened between that and the immunity challenge. Michelle and Earl said they should target Stacy. And that was about it. Right, moving on.
The immunity challenge consisted of three parts with one unifying characteristic – TARGETS!! The tribes would have to use blow-darts, spears, and a bow and arrow to get close to the bulls-eye. Yao Ming brought his own style to each phase, thus causing THE BANISHED ANGEL FROM HEAVEN to laugh in his face. Well, the joke is on you SATAN because he killed in each challenge. And, surprise surprise, Moto won and Ravu lost. If I actually liked this show, right around now is when I would be saying I didn’t anymore because it was too predictable.
After the challenge, Lisi says to the camera that she “can’t take it anymore” and “she is surrounded by losers” and “la-hoo-sa-hers” and “I’m done” and “LOOK AT MY BACK-FAT.” She then went out and asked her tribe to vote her off. She wanted off. Kelly Kapowski was very happy about this. I’m sure he couldn’t contain her spirit fingers.
Although, of course, Lisi has a change of heart as the tribal council was looming and said she wanted to stay and vote Kelly Kapowski out. She is just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, except she isn’t smart enough to be a doctor and her abundance of BACK-FAT would make it impossible for her to “hyde” anywhere. See what I did there? And you thought all the BACK-FAT references were for nothing.
At tribal council, MEPHISTOPHELES asks Lisi if she wants to be here. Kelly Kapowski let her have it because she won’t give a straight answer. I mean, he really hates her. The venom being spewed was much less Kelly Kapowski and much more Valerie Malone. I was about to give Kapowski some props, but then he tried to say “soliloquy” and any chance of respect was lost.
Until next time
Out-BACK, Out-FAT, Out-BACK-FAT,
Wayne
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