I said this last season, but obviously no one got my memo. YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE FIRE! I mean, come the hell on. How can no one have prepared for this?
But I am getting ahead of myself. The show started with our survivors being brought to the island in a dramatic fashion (who'd have seen that coming?) You know, I love that CBS expects us to think "oh no, are these people going to get eaten?" Like anything that cool would ever happen on CBS. Maybe on Fox.
The tribe members are brought to the island by natives in canoes....and then all of a sudden...OH NO!...natives run out of the woods with spear in hand and attack our beloved tribe members. I'm not positive, but I think they were offended by the Bob Barker shirt that Travis was wearing. Not because of Bob Barker, himself (who, rumor has it, is actually a God in some parts of this island) but because it did so little to hide Travis' "whip cream in a trash bag" physique.
All the tribe members then are treated to a quaint little ceremony involving some sort of mud drink and lots of pig's blood...Apparently the pig is a sacred symbol in the Vanuatu tribes. So sacred that he gets slaughtered in their welcoming ceremony. Note to self: If the Vanuatu start considering you sacred, it's not a good thing. While the other members winced when the pig was beheaded, Dolly actually put forth a hearty "yee-haw!" and broke into the achy-breaky. You see, Dolly is a hick and hicks love slaughtering pigs...and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yee haw, indeed.
Then a huge twist....mega-huge..super duper huge!. The tribes are going to be split into,
get ready for it....
boys versus girls....
wow, how original. They have never done that before. You know what would be a neato idea? They should do a segment where the tribe members receive letters from home...right, right?
Anyways, at the ceremony, the women were all pissed about the men being able to pee standing up or something...isn't that always the case? Well, that's what all the comedians say...and they never lie, right? I mean, really, what is the deal with airplane bathrooms? Oh, and there was something about shimmying up a pole covered in pig fat to retrieve some sort of stone that would bring good luck. Now, there's a sentence I would have never thought I would write. Brady grabbed the stone...good for Brady.
Then the tribes both had to go search for the camps...and, another surprise, there was tension among the tribes. While the men were looking for their camp, Rory was all "Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high" and Brook was all "huh? Look man, I just wanna keep walking" and Rory was like "take a look, it's in a book...a Reading Rainbow" Then they kept walking. They cut to Brook saying that "Rory, I don't think he's gonna fit in. There's one in every bunch" This from a guy whose favorite scent is "woman."
Some of the girls, meanwhile, had the idea to pull over and rest, or as Scout put it "Leyet's awl git too know eech othur" And Dolly decided to join her too, still weak in the knees from all the excitement of the slaughter. But the other girls, with Eliza as lead beeyatch, were all "No way are those men going to beat us, now stop being such a big bunch of sucks and get going....sucks!" It was something like that...I don't really know...I was flicking back and forth to a VH1 special about Jenna Jameson....did you know she was 16 when she won her first wet t-shirt contest?
Of course, they both made it to their respective camps. The next day, some members of the Yasur (women) tribe were making a shelter (Twila, Leann, and Scout) while the others just sort of hung out. Again, this happens every time...if you work, people will like you...If you just sit around, and get tan and wet and wrestle around and get all wet and tan and...huh. Build your shelter.
While the guys were taking a break from building their shelter, Chad decided to tell them all that he was actually Robocop, which made him pretty cool. He was like "Hey, I am Robocop." And the guys were like "Look, Robocop was good, but why did you make all those sucky sequels?" And then Chris said "OK, I'm not Robocop, but I have a metal leg"...So John K. said "That's awesome" I didn't make that part up...He actually said it was awesome. I am sure Chris was like "Yeah, it is pretty awesome that I had cancer and lost my leg. You know what else is awesome? SMACK!" Robocop rules. Back at the girl's camp, Twila revealed that she is actually a man...which was equally as exciting, but received less coverage.
Then the reward and immunity challenge came up. The reward was some fire stuff, because these people are dumb. They had to crawl through mud, then do some labyrinth thing, and then walk across a balance beam and then light a fire. Hmmm, makes sense to me. The upside? A nice closeup of Dolly's backside while she shimmied across the beam. The downside? Scout's top came off. Thank god for television blurring or all this newsletter would have said was "I don't know who got voted off because I was vomiting up the enchilada I ate earlier."
At the end of the challenge, Meatloaf, er, I mean, Chris was having a tough time crossing the beam. Robocop didn't have that hard of a time. Scout didn't have that hard of a time, but Meatloaf did. You suck Meatloaf! He never made it and the girls won.
Then at tribal council, did he get voted off? Hell no. It came down to Rory, Chris, and Brook. Apparently, they hate guys that have names that could be girl names. Brook lost because, well, I don't really know.
So that's it...my Mortal Kombat jokes have been replaced by Robocop, Reading Rainbow, and Meatloaf jokes...to everything...turn, turn, turn.
Until next time
Outbore, Outsnore, and I can see paradise by the dashboard light,
Wayne
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