SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: VANUATU EPISODE V: I GOT THE FEVER FOR THE FLAVOR OF NOT BEING GOOD AT ANYTHING

I feel like I write this next sentence every week.
The show began with people complaining. Gah, every week! Anyways, the guys on the Lopevi tribe were complaining about sleeping position. Robocop was saying that Bubba had the prime sleeping spot and they should develop a rotating sleep schedule so everyone could get a chance at it. Bubba refused. Let me repeat that again...Bubba refused....a cripple. Not only a cripple, but Robocop. Robocop should have toasted his chubby ass...BANG! Robocop! At least John K's hair keeps getting bigger...hmm. Speaking of John K., I got a problem with the fool. He is referred to on cbs.com as a mechanical bull operator/model...just like Ami's Barista/model status. Look, man, you operate a mechanical bull...that's it. Just because the bar puts you on the flyers, that don't make you a model. Brush your hair.
Then, both tribes were visited by another dude who decided to sell out his culture by bestowing some sacred Vanuatu symbol on a Survivor contestant. Both tribes were confused but basically understood that they were looking for some sort of chief-figure. The guys nominated Sarge, who took off his pants in gratitude. The girls nominated Scout. That makes sense, since, you know, she blew so many challenges so far. I would have chosen Skeletor...I know she hasn't caught He-Man yet, but she's gotten a lot closer than Scout. But why did they choose a chief? No one knows...Perhaps because...holy crap..earthquake! Yup, there was an earthquake last night and guess what...Lisa's boobs still didn't move. Told you. Bubba, meanwhile, appeared to be made of jello.
At the reward challenge, we finally found out why they nominated a chief. There is going to be a little reshuffling going on. Basically, one chief would divide up the members into co-ed tribes while the other would get to choose which one they would take. How did they decide who got to do what? Kickboxing. (actually, it was rock, paper, scissors...don't you wish it was kickboxing though?)
So Sarge won and decided to choose the tribe while Scout did the dividing. Since there were more girls, Lisa was left at the end with no tribe, so she got to pick which tribe she went to and she chose the new Yasur tribe which now consisted of Lisa, Ami, Skeletor, Leann, Levar Burton, and Travis. The new Lopevi lineup was Robocop, Meatloaf, Julie, Twila, and Sarge. By the way, Julie is becoming the survivor I would most like to see naked (hmmmm, foreshadowing anyone?) while Twila remains the survivor I would most like to change my oil.
The reward challenge was going to be a diving challenge where the survivors dove for...stuff. The most stuff wins. Bubba sat it out because he sinks. They were playing for Pringles and beer. I mean, come on...can you insult these people anymore? "I know we can afford to give you basically anything, but here is what we think of you...have a pringle and shut your mouth." I got the fever. Umm, Lopevi won and ate Pringles and beer. Wow, spelling check automatically capitalizes Pringles...Doritos, Tostitos, fritos...ah, no respect for the Fritos. Anyways, Twila was very happy about this new tribe because, well, she has a penis.
While those guys bonded, swam, and popped and couldn't stop, the Yasur tribe welcomed their new members. Well, everyone except Ami, who didn't want to show them anything because she cannot play nice. And then Levar Burton read them "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" to play to their feminine side. I can fly twice as high!
At the beginning of the immunity challenge, Bubba tried to signal to Meatloaf that he wanted him to, I don't know, throw the race or something. Meatloaf responded by saying, "I would do anything for Bubba, but I won't do that. No No. I won't do that." Then Bubba ate his hand.
The challenge was a relay race to build an outrigger canoe and paddle out, collect a flag, and paddle back. At first, Lopevi was winning the race with a large margin due to Levar Burton never having read a book on untying knots, but thanks to John K and Robocop's horrendous paddling, it became pretty close. John K. was actually yelling at Robocop. BANG! Anyways, it got pretty close and I was actually getting into it...on the edge of my seat. Then I punched myself in the stomach for being such a suck. Then Lopevi won.
So Yasur had to vote off someone and it was Bubba. No big surprise. Skeletor argued to keep the guys on because she wanted their strength. Ummmm...hello, you are Skeletor. Maybe she confused Bubba for Beastor...Oh, and Bubba thinks maybe the Yankees will hire him to do signals. Bubba, you didn't do a signal. You said "remember the merge." I don't think the Yankees want you yelling "Steal second, steal second!" Moh-ron.
So Bubba is gone...at least we will always have Bob Barker. By the way, I am predicting John K. and Julie hook up...by John K. I mean John Kerry, the presidential nominee. He said in the last debate that he "dug pigtails..."

Until next time
Outmerge, Outpaddle like a jerk, and outROBOCOP.BANG!
Wayne