So, before I begin, let me apologize if I seem tired at all in any part of this newsletter. I stayed up after Survivor and watched Wild Things 3, which was riveting. I was amazed that I didn’t feel lost at one part even though I totally missed Wild Things 2.
So the third episode of Survivor began with the Ulong tribe talking some serious smack about Boxer Briefs and WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG* getting their respective grooves on. Boxer Briefs was all, “Man, since the hot girl is on the other tribe, will you give me snookies?” And WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG was all, “Well, since no one on this island drives an Iroc-Z, will you make my trailer rock?” And Ross Perot was all, “Can I finish? Sexshiality” And the Probst was all “I am a living joke.” Marilyn Manson continued to have hairy pits.
At Koror, annoying girl #1 (Katie) and annoying girl #2 (Caryn) were both really annoyed with one another. Caryn was mad that Katie totally disparaged her all the time. Katie was mad at Caryn for spelling her name with a “C.” Willard was mad at both of them for stealing his spotlight. And everyone was mad that someone actually decided to make that stupid Fat Albert movie. “Hey! Hey! Hey! That was a really stupid idea,” exclaimed Janu. “Take your top off!!,” exclaimed the Probst. Back to Willard for a sec. Isn’t his chest weird? He kind of has the Tori Spelling valley going on there. There’s always one a season.
Next came the reward challenge. This one was actually pretty good, because it involved a lot of my least favorite people trying to drown each other. The tribemates had to swim out, grab a ring and be first to bring it back to their corresponding, ummm..hmmm…ring holder thing. The twist was that the member from the other team could do whatever it took to get the ring back. And what do they win? A sewing kit. Yeah…a sewing kit. A challenge that good should at least yield some of those cool trivia-imprinted Pringles I keep seeing ads for. But a sewing kit? Isn’t that what they give really poor or really ugly kids for Christmas? Ulong got out to an early lead with Boxer Briefs taking the ring away from Fire Marshall Bill. Fire Marshall Bill was like, “Let me tell ya something…I have a funny accent.” Then it was Steph-man-ie against hottie Jen. That was an equal matchup, huh? Let’s put Jen against the girl with the penis. Good call. We know how that one turned out, don’t we? That’s right. Steph-man-ie and Hottie fell in love and are now living in Idaho raising sheep. Finally, the third battle brought two members from each tribe up against one another - Marilyn Manson and Bobby Jon against Janu and someone else…Anyways, Marilyn Manson basically rubbed her hairy pits in everyone’s face until they passed out and Ulong won another crappy reward. Ibrehem was like “Sewing kit? More like ‘Whoa, that’s it?’” Then he remembered that he didn’t really have a personality, so he disappeared for the rest of the show. I do, though, like to pretend that Ibrehem’s name is actually Abraham and he is Arnold’s goldfish on Diff’rent Strokes. It makes the show much more interesting and I always hoped that fish would make something of himself.
Back at camp, Bobby Jon decided to reveal his secret identity – All Out Boy! Da duh duh duh duh duh! Able to have a stupid name, get coconuts down from trees, and alienate himself, all at once. Dumbass.
Koror, meanwhile, pissed off Steve Irwin by killing a little wildlife. Fire Marshall Bill and Ian (still trying to come up with something for this guy – dolphin boy? No. Flipper? Nah. Spaz…hmm, maybe) Anyways…they killed a couple snakes. Remember snakes? Those things you would light and the ash would turn into a snake? I ate one. Then they were trying to use the snakes to lure some sharks in so that they could trade up for some shark meat. Unfortunately, these sharks weren’t the kind of sharks that were vulnerable to branches. Seriously, they threw sticks at them. That was the plan. Ian said, “Oh, I didn’t expect to kill any. I just like throwing sticks at stuff. And I like burning things.”
Speaking of sharks, how good does Shark Attack Spring Break look? Seriously…already got the Tivo set. It’s like Girls Gone Wild meets Girls Gone Wild Get Eaten by Sharks.
Back at Ulong, Boxer Briefs was trying to practice walking on coconuts thinking maybe he could really excel at the talent portion of the show and fell and “rolled” his ankle. He cried out “I’m cuckoo because of coconuts!!!” He didn’t really, but only because he isn’t that cool. He did hurt his ankle though.
The immunity challenge came the next day. Jeff was dismayed at the fact that it was going to be a very physical challenge. Maybe I am totally wrong, but I have a feeling Jeff wouldn’t have excelled at an academic challenge either. And we all know how good his coconut-walking skills are.
The immunity challenge had them all carrying backpacks with 20 pounds of sand in them. They were all clipped together and they had to walk around a circle and try to catch up with the other team. If the bag got too heavy for someone, they could hand it off and exit the challenge. Yes, they walked around in a circle. Burnett seriously seems to be running out of ideas. However, I played it on fast forward and it looked like a Benny Hill skit, which kind of rocked. Boxer Briefs went out early because of his ankle and Ulong ended up losing.
Boxer Briefs then made a really smart move. He told them to vote him out because his ankle wouldn’t have healed. I understand caring about your tribe and everything. But isn’t the point to win a million dollars? Please refer back to my earlier comments about Boxer Briefs’ intelligence level. The tribe, however, seemed to still be leaning towards voting off WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG, because she would not stop blaring Dokken at all hours of the night. Get it? Because white trash loves Dokken. And bologna sandwiches.
In the end, Boxer Briefs got voted off and told Ulong to “Do it for Johnny!” or something like that. I am not really sure. I already switched to Wild Things 3.
Until next time
Outroll your ankle, Outdestroy nature’s creatures, and Out-WILLARD’S CHEST!!
Wayne
*In case you forget - Whom Otherwise Would Be Seen As White Trash, But Compared To Marilyn Manson, Looks Pretty Good.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment