SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU: EPISODE IV: ULONG? MORE LIKE DO WRONG.RIGHT? RIGHT?

At the start of the show, Ulong was feeling pretty down. They had been to three tribal councils and they were not gonna take it anymore.

“I am sick of gosh darn losin’” cried Bobby Jon
“Koror? More like, um, Stink-or…like from Masters of the Universe. Only not as cool”, declared Kim
“I’m the rootinest, tootinest gun this side of the Mississippi,” yelled Ross Perot.
“STEPH-MAN-IE MAD! STEPH-MAN-IE WANT KOROR GO BOOM! GRRRRR”, grunted Steph-man-ie.

So, they decided they wouldn’t lose anymore challenges. Or would they? Or they would? Would or they? Yes, they would.

The next morning, both tribes received some tree mail saying that they each needed to pick a leader. The Suck News Sucks wondered exactly what would be asked of Supreme Leader. Would he be asked to lead them to victory? Would he be kicked off? Will he be pretty? Will he be rich? Que sera sera…what? Oh, so yeah…Coby and Janu both volunteered, but their voices were not heard. “Coby, you may lead Pokemon to victory, but here, you’re as useless as a Torchic peck attack against a water pokemon,” scolded Katie. So, Ian stepped up and assumed leader position. Aquaman!!! I will call him Aquaman from now on because Aquaman could ride seahorses. And Ian trains dolphins…see the connection? Well, hey, it makes more sense than Coby being a Pokemon master.

At Ulong, the tribe was in such disarray that noone wanted to be leader. Steph-man-ie wanted to draw straws, but WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG thought that seemed like a lot of work and asked instead that they all grow mullets.

The Probst came up to the Koror camp in the SS Shills-a-lot emblazoned with the Home Depot logo and explained that the leaders would have to choose five tools to build a bathroom, which would then be judged by this Bob Vila wannabe. Whichever tribe had the best bathroom would get a shelter built for them by a construction crew. That’s a pretty good prize, but I would rather have the sewing kit. In the end, Pokemon master was happy because he said he didn’t have that much experience with tools…um, no comment.

When the Probst pulled up to Ulong, they still hadn’t chosen a leader. The Probst was so unhappy with this that he removed Bobby Jon’s heart, Temple of Doom style…Anyways, he demanded they pick a leader immediately and everyone pointed to Perot. “Finally, I win some sort of election,” he said. When he found out he would be picking tools, he was happy because he is a “redneck.” “This here…this is a hachet with a hammer on it,” he explained, “and this is a sling blade. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade. Uh huh. Taters.”

Both tribes actually seemed to do a pretty good job, but again Ulong was not working together very well. Perot kept trying to instruct the women folk on how to use tools. “Ya see…can I finish? You take this and you hit the nail with the head of this hammer here…Can I finish? Say it with me…Ham….er….Hamm…er…Hamm..er…That’s good…Who wants to sit on the potty?”

Back at Koror, Willard said something. And everything was right with the world.

After the inspections, Koror won because the Probst is in love with them. They got a shelter and they were happy. Ulong was not because they lost. Stay with me here.

Again, the immunity challenge was a man-on-man physical challenge. Each member had to try and knock out an opposing team’s member on a sumo-style platform using some sort of bag thing. And again, they pitted Steph-man-ie against Hot Jen…wicked equal matchup. Anyways, it was pretty close…And tensions were rising. I believe Abraham even said “Get your ass up off here.” That fish is a bad mutha…shut your mouth! Well, I’m talking’ bout Abraham. Oh, I can dig it. Koror ended up winning by only one, when Perot lost to the Ultimate Pokemon master.

And that brings us to the line of the night…wait for it…wait for it…

“I can’t believe I got my ass whupped by a homosexchual. But those gays are strong, man. They spend a lot of time in the gym,” quipped Ross Perot. Honestly, the actual quote was pretty damn close to that. Wow...And I don’t know. It doesn’t look to me like Coby spent that much time in a gym. I choose you, Beer Gut!!

So Ulong had to go to yet another tribal council. WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG tried to start a gender war, but she didn’t really know what the term “gender war” meant, so she just slathered herself with baby oil and sat in the sun. In the end, it didn’t work, and she was voted off.

Ulong is pretty awful.

Until next time
OutPerot, Outhomosexhual, and get out there and have a bologna sandwich on me, WOWBSAWTBCTMMLPG,
Wayne