SURVIVOR CHINA EPISODE VI: LET’S EAT SOME BABIES!!!

So so sorry for the second late newsletter in a row. But, good news….the Sox won it which means, I guess, something good for them. But, more importantly, it means no more late newsletters. Unless, of course, one of you crosses me. Then I cannot be responsible for my actions. I am vindictive.

The episode began with the Zhan Hu talking about how pulling a Thunderlips (movie references = GOLD!@!!) the night before and throwing the challenge was such a good move because they got rid of Aaron, who was a strong player. They are considering throwing the next challenge as well as that would help them get rid of GRAVEDIGGER. GRAVEDIGGGERR, however, disagreed…I think. “If they throw another challenge Ima habbitday dabbitday,” he claimed. Clubber Lang, meanwhile, predicted “PAIN!” Erik had no comment.

At Fei Long, Todd tells Amanda (hugandkiss) that he has some clues to the hidden immunity idol. They come up with a plan to bring over either Aaron or GRAVEDIGGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! if they win the reward challenge so that they can get to the next immunity idol clue. Todd is also the name of the fox in Fox and the Hound, which I watched last night. And no, I didn’t cry when Todd saved Copper from the bear. I didn’t. Look, I just had something in my eye. Fine. FINE. You know what. I cried. And I don’t care what you think. Maybe you need to melt the ice that surrounds that thing you call a heart. You’re as cold as ice. You’re willing to sacrifice. Our love.

???

The reward challenge came next. Each team had to gather these planks in an abandoned Chinese village (CHINA!!) and then gather them and put them in a puzzle, which should reveal a famous phrase said by Confucius (CHINESE THINGS!!) Also, PUZZLE BOARDS!!! Fei Long ended up winning, by being the first to put together the phrase, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” which I suppose is a good Confucius-ism. I personally prefer the one about going to bed with an itchy bum, but that’s because I am deep. And profound. And deeply profound. They also kidnapped GRAVEDIGGERRR!!!!11 – putting the first piece of Todd’s plan in place.

Also, in the middle of the challenge, Peih-Gee let Sherea know that she threw the last challenge for Sherea’s and Frosti?’s benefit. Sherea, however, made no notice of it and instead focused on untying the knot holding her plank in place. It reminded me of this time I kept trying to get the attention of this girl I liked in high school. “I really like you,” I would say. Nothing. “Do you like me?” Still nothing. “I want to spend each day of the rest of my life making you happy…what do you say to that?” And, nothing. She just stayed focused on trying to untie the knot that kept her attached to the water heater in my basement. Some chicks are so stuck-up. And strong. I still can’t believe she almost got to the front door. I just love being in love. Don’t you?

And what did Fei Long win? They got to go to a Chinese tea house where they gained access to a shower, bath soaps, towels and a real, working toilet. Jerk-Fatgut seemed really excited about the toilet. The toilet, meanwhile, was less than thrilled. THE PRINCE OF ETERNAL DARKNESS also announced they got access to some Charmin toilet paper, which he said was “extra strong.” Mr. Whipple then paid him a million dollars. Probst likes money. They also got to drink tea (CHINAAAAAAA) and eat snacks.

At the tea house, there were these tubs where they could all take a nice soak…in front of everyone. Amanda and Ally McCrap jumped in the tub together, to which Jerk Fatgut said, “that would be the best tub to jump in.” That made Courtney a little skeeved out…”he’s just a horrible person,” she said. “Also, I have just a horrible body. Like, seriously, I look like a little boy. I mean, there is skinny and then there is jus’ plain nasty. And I am that. Nasty and little boy-ish.” Yeah, I am pretty sure she said that.

GRAVEDIGGERR, meanwhile took a shower naked in front of everyone. Amanda liked his butt. Sherea thought to herself (yes, I can read minds. CRISS ANGELLL!!) “this is just like that time Dave got naked. Minus the nightmares and chunk blowing.”

With everyone distracted by nakedness and snacks, Todd pulled GRAVEEDIGGAHH! aside and told him he could save him if he gave him the immunity idol clue he got when he was kidnapped. GRAVEDIGGERR!!! responded, “Hammma Vamma bee”.

After getting the clue, Todd figures it out. “its those stupid bats above the thing.” Todd then goes over, in front of everyone, and gets Amanda to help him pull this thing down. Frosti? sees they need help, climbs up, and pulls it down. Amanda and Todd are so upset about this. When Frosti? comes over to Todd, Todd says, “If I can’t trust you right now, I will kill you.” Hey Todd, relax man. You were the one who did it in front of everyone, including the snowman. Did you think he wouldn’t be helpful? He’s frikkin’ Frosti. He brought Karen into the greenhouse despite the high probability of melting.

Todd’s plan was to basically tell GRAVVEDIGGERR to make sure Zhan Hu loses the immunity challenge, then at the tribal council, when everyone votes for him, bring out the idol and break up the Jaime/Erik duo of crap. That was a good plan, actually. Although, he then went ahead and told both Ally McHATE and The Lunchlady about the “secret” idol. This is seriously the worst kept secret since the one about my ability to make supermodels melt at the sight of my pectorals and/or bulging biceps. I tried my best, ladies, but you knew it was going to get out sooner or later. You can only keep such a sexy secret to yourself for so long. It’s my cross to bear.

The immunity challenge was an EATING CHALLENGE WOOHOO!!!11 You know the drill…tribe members face off against one another and eat disgusting things while Joe Rogan continues to be talentless. Oops…sorry wrong show. I meant to say while THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD remains talent, um, full. Full of talent (Sorry…I sort of owe him for the beautiful wife and kids…you knew there had to be an explanation, right?) Anyways…yeah, they had to eat gross things and not throw up. Sort of like the last time I ate at Applebee’s. Except for the “not throwing up” part…because, otherwise, how will they ever learn? Eatin’ good in the neighborhood? More like ‘eatin’ bad in the neighbor, um, had.” Rhyming?

Now, both Todd and GRAVEDIGGERR look less than thrilled at this challenge since it’s a little harder to throw. Fei Long started off strong as Frosti? threw down the chicken hearts before him. CHICKEN HEART!!! However, Zhan Hu comes back strong as Jaime beat Ally McSkinny at eating eels. I mean, is that even fair? Eating anything seems pretty challenging for ol’ Courtney. So, with the score tied, Erik and Amanda were up next. And what did they have to eat? Baby turtles. Yeah. Baby. Turtles. Being a soulless vessel devoid of feeling and emotion, Erik won. Fei Long: 1. Zhan Hu: 2. GRAVEDIGGERR! and The Lunchlady were up next…BIRD FETI. Yep…unborn baby birds. GRAVEDIGGERRR does his best to throw the challenge, but The Lunchlady could not get these things down. Which is surprising. One look at The Lunchlady would really make me think she doesn’t have a problem getting much down…you know, besides her cholesterol level. In the end, GRAVEDIGGER had to eat the bird and win the challenge. Next up was Frosti? and Erik. They had to eat a “thousand year-old egg.” Hm. Erik won, of course. Please see above (“devoid of feeling and emotion”)

So, yeah, Zhan Hu won…totally destroying the plan. What to do…what to do.

Well, now, Fei Long is forced to vote off someone. Sherea is the immediate target for Todd, Amanda, and The Lunchlady. However, Ally McSelfish really wants to turn the crosshairs on Jerk-Fatgut. Talking to the group she brings this up:

Ally McInspiresHate: “Maybe we should vote Jerk-Fatgut off”
Todd: “Well, if we vote off Sherea though, that would mean we have one less original Zhan Hu member.”
Ally McWanttokill: “Yeah, but he hates ME. Do you know what I mean?”
Amanda: “Right, but this would probably work out better for all of us”
Ally McWorstoftheworst: “But, thinking about it, I think he would vote ME off if given the chance. Do you know what I mean?”
Lunchlady: “But, it would make more sense if we kept our team intact. Also, me and Sloppy Joe got married.”
Ally Mcugh: “ME I MYSELF ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. Do you know what I mean?”
Todd: “Um”
Amanda: “Err”
Lunchlady: “We got six kids and we’re doin just fine.”
Ally Mc, um…: “I am gross. Do you know what I mean?”

At tribal council, it wasn’t clear which way the tribe was voting. Sherea wins the ‘most deserving of a punch’ award for the night. Jerk-Fatgut answered a simple question from THE PROBST, saying he felt like a changed person. Sherea jumped in and ran her mouth to say that he was essentially “running his mouth.” Honestly, Jerk-Fatgut sort of took a lot of undue heat at the council. Sherea ended her rant by saying, “no one likes you.” Jerk-Fatgut said maybe that was because he was a “bad boy.” Ally McClownshoes laughed at this and asked, “how are you a bad boy? Do you have a harley? Are you, like, Luke Perry?” Courtney, I guess, thinks bad boys went away after the 90’s. She needs to update her definition. Like today, instead of throwing my gum in the trash, I swallowed it. I live on the edge. I am as bad as they come. Also, she said she felt on the outside in this tribe – which sort of angered Todd and Amanda. Courtney is really good at this game. Did I say ‘good’? I meant really and completely terrible.

In the end, despite Sherea vowing to “blow up that big bubble [Jerk-Fatgut] calls a mouth,” she got voted off. I was pretty happy about it, especially after hearing her final words in which she says, “The fact that the Fei Long people decided to stick together because of numbers, you know, it just says that they’re getting played. They’ll realize it later and I hope half of them get screwed since some of them screwed me. They knew they couldn’t beat me in the challenges. I was the strong one. They were the weak ones. So of course they’re going to take out the threat." Delusional much?

So, that means we say goodbye to both Jeff Brown and Melissa Yee. Well, this isn’t really goodbye, you two. I’m sure we’ll see each other around. But…if you see me walkin by…and the tears are in my eyes. Look away. Look away.

Until next time,Wayne