SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU EPISODE V: REMEMBER 'V'? ABOUT THE ALIENS.REMEMBER?

Last night, the shizzle experienced some major twizzles for rizzle. Is talking like that still in? No dizzle!

So, the show started off with a look at the budding romance between Hot Jen and Gregg with the two G’s. The extra G is for ‘Getting Lucky.’ Seriously, I think Jen could possibly be the hottest chick ever on Survivor. Well, between her and Trishelle. Oops…sorry, I am getting my reality TV wires crossed. Paradise Hotel ruled though! Anyways, when they were getting busy, Gregg was like “Willard, stop training your rats to become your army of followers and take care of the fire, unless you wanna ask someone else.” It would have been cool if he was like “Coby, take care of the fire,” and then Coby was like “Janu, take care of the fire” and it went on and on, until someone was like “Jeff Probst, take care of the fire” and then the fire never got tooken care of…a la the Simpsons episode when Santa’s Little Helper ran away because no one closed the gate. Wow, that was a waste of words.

Ulong took a break from pretty much sucking, so that they could suck hardcore and went looking for the cave, in the dark, during a storm. Marilyn Manson (whom I realized lastnight has the worst…tattoo…ever. Does it say “Buckwheat”?) said that she wanted to go back to camp because this seemed like a bad idea. Ross Perot totally called her a fake goth and said that Robert Smith was way more depressed than her and she needed to close out her Hot Topic account and get a damn tan…can I finish? OK….he didn’t say that. But he is annoying though. Then, Steph-man-ie joined her in her protest and they decided to walk back to their shelter. The rain started and they all got rained on. Ross Perot gloated, but honestly, would they have been any drier walking in the jungle? Doy!

Seriously, Ulong may be the worst tribe in the history of Survivor. I mean, they don’t work together, they don’t win challenges, they complain all the time, and Marilyn Manson hasn’t put out a good album since “The Dope Show.”

Back at Koror, Fire Marshall Bill was totally dissing Willard. “Let me tell ya something,” he said, “this Willard guy is way old. I am old, but he is really old. And I don’t like how he keeps making those rats bite my pinky toe. He’s really old.” Everyone else seemed to also agree that Willard was old.
When both tribes convened for the reward challenge, The Probst explained that they would all be diving for sake bottles attached to a shipwreck and bring them back. The first tribe to get six would win. Then The Probst became evil Probst again and said that both tribes would be voting someone out tonight and the winner of this challenge would get to eat while watching the other tribe vote out their member. Probst, you glorious bastard! It seemed like Ulong would win, until Abraham had trouble with the whole swimming thing and gave Koror a big lead. Then Aquaman had trouble as well…and made it close once again. Then Koror won…shocker!
This was a big blow for Ulong…and an even bigger blow for Arnold Jackson. Arnold could not believe his fish lost the challenge. It was an even bigger disappointment than when he found out the local bike shop owner not only owned a radio station in Cincinatti, but also molested his best friend, Dudley, while playing Jungle Adventure. Yeah. At least Aquaman could blame his foul-up on the evil forces of Black Manta. Wow, I feel I may have lost most of my readers in that last paragraph. Ummmm, how do I win them back….SURVIVOR? MORE LIKE SURVIVE-BORE!!! Welcome back.

At Koror, everyone seemed to voting for Willard. There was also a weird exchange between Willard and Pokemon master because Willard wanted to give the Master his pants or something. Old people are funny. Then, it flashed to Gregg telling Pokemon Master about how he would like to form an alliance with him and Janu and Hot Jen after they get rid of Willard and Caryn to overcome the Fire Marshall Bill/Aquaman bond. The extra ‘G’ stands for gamble…he’s gambling with people’s lives here. I wish the extra ‘G’ stood for Grape Soda.

So, Koror went to the first tribal council and voted off Willard. The worst part is he doesn’t even get any of the food. Then, in came Ulong to witness Koror eating. Prior to this, Pokemon Master said they shouldn’t try to rub it in Ulong’s faces and talk about the food. I guess cries of “god, this is so delicious,” “it smells so good,” and “if this food would have me, I would like to have sex with it,” were considered acceptable.

Has anyone else noticed that the Probst despises Ulong? He is always giving them dirty looks.

So, going into tribal council, it seemed that Ulong would be voting off Abraham, because of his poor skills in the tribal council and inability to walk on land. However, the Probst turned things around by giving Koror the power to vote immunity for one member of Ulong. Abraham ended up getting immunity and Ulong was forced to vote for someone else. There was a 2-vote tie between Bobby Jon and Marilyn Manson – two of the most productive members of the team…makes sense. So, Abraham, Perot, and Steph-man-ie had to go vote once again for one either Marilyn or Bobby Joe Jon…Marilyn got the ax…and left saying, “I am not the kid from the Wonder Years…GOSH!”

Soo…yes…both Willard and Marilyn Manson are gone.

Until next time
Out-Willard, Out-Marilyn Manson, and Out-totally alienate your audience with totally nonsensical pop culture references
Wayne