Seriously, could Ulong get any worse? Last night gave them a glimmer of hope, but they stink worse than, well, stuff that stinks really bad…
The show started with Ulong getting all up in Abraham’s face about blowing the last immunity challenge. Ross Perot, though useless in his own right, felt the need to tell Abraham he didn’t care what kind of ties he had to Gary Coleman or Conrad Bain, he was not happy with his performance thus far. Bobby Jon wasn’t down with that…”Look, I was in Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ and, well, I just want everyone to know that. Oh, right, and Abraham is getting a bad rap.” Just so we are clear….I am aware that Katie said he looked like Jesus Christ last night…I am saying he looks like Jim Caviezel. So, my joke is 100% original. Can I finish?
Koror, meanwhile, was pretty happy with themselves for eating beef stew and voting off the Rat King. Everyone was doing something useful the next morning. Fire Marshall Bill and Double G were chopping wood. Pokemon master was learning how to defeat a fire Pokemon with his Jigglypuff. Hot Jenn was, um….was she even on the show lastnight? And Katie was making rope necklaces. Yup…oh, and she put on a puppet show where she made a joke that was so not the same joke I made in the last paragraph. IT WASN’T!! So, basically, Katie is cementing her position as really annoying, but crafty. Annoying and crafty? More like…well, I guess its bad enough to be annoying and crafty…I hate Christopher Lowell. “This coffee table would look so much better with old bottle caps glued to it.” You think? How about, um, your face with, well, bottle caps glued to it? How about that? CHRISTOPHER LOWELL STOLE MY BOTTLE CAPS IDEA!
Random thought: Who else is missing those Spring Break: Shark Attack commercials? I sure am. Hell, they are better than those damn Elvis commercials. Do we need another Elvis movie. Is there really something we do not know? I say CBS just continually runs Spring Break: Shark Attack every Sunday. There is no way the CBS Sunday Night Movie is going to get any better. Orrrr, they could just make every other movie end in “Shark Attack”. Elvis: Shark Attack? Where the Elvis character, played by Jim Caviezel, is a young, naïve girl who lies to her parents to go to Florida for spring break, gets slipped some roofies, almost date raped, and then has to deal with sharks? Now that I would watch. Damn, if anyone else watched it, that joke would have worked. Their Eyes Were Watching God: Shark Attack??
OK…so now comes the Reward Challenge. The Probst explains they will have to shoot targets with a cannon thing and the first team to get the most hit wins…pretty simple. What are they playing for? Mai Tais, Jellyfish, and Pringles. Seriously. The winning team get to go on a boat where they would sip Mai Tais and eat Pringles. Then, they would be taken to this freshwater lake where they would swim with the jellyfish. The jellyfish have lost their power of sting, so its harmless. Mai Tai’s? Great. The jellyfish thing? Cool enough…. Pringles? Again with the Pringles? Hey, did everyone know they are coming out with these new Pringles that have Survivor trivia on them? PRINGLES:SHARK ATTACK!
Ulong ended up winning, thanks to Steph-man-ie hitting the targets each time she went up. Ross Perot again said he could do something well and failed at it. I can build a bathroom…no I can’t…I suck. I can become president…no I can’t…I suck. I can not be annyoning…no I can’t. I suck. Can I finish? But, regardless, they won and got to ask each other Survivor trivia , swim with Jellyfish, and pretend they were actually good at something for a second.
Koror, meanwhile, was having a tough night. I think the Black Manta attacked the camp, looking to settle the score with Aquaman after he foiled his and Simon Grundy’s plans to pollute the waters of Palau with poisoned Sake last week. I think that’s what happened. Sorry, I was too busy trying to come up with more Shark Attack ideas for CBS. Roots: Shark Attack? Simon Grundy is cool.
The night proved too much for Janu, who was brought to tears the next day. Fire Marshall Bill tried to comfort her, “Lemmme tell ya something Janu. Make sure you change the batteries in your smoke alarms regularly. Stop, Drop, and Roll.” Katie, on the other hand, was talking some trash. “Look, I am annoying…Wait that didn’t come out right. I am annoying and I don’t really do anything…no no…Ummmmm, I suck. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. Oh, and Janu should stop crying.”
In that day’s tree mail, each tribe received a foot locker with the opposing tribe’s flag in it and some rope. Both tribes had to secure it the locker enough so that the other tribe could not get their flag. Again, Ross Pert stepped up and said he had some good knot-tying experience. He better ‘knot’ be lying….KNOT BE LYING!!!! THE ‘K’ IS SILENT!!!! SHARK ATTACK!!!!111!! This doesn’t look good for Ulong.
When the tribes convened, The Probst said each tribe had 20 minutes to further secure their locker with branches and more rope. Ross Perot decided instead to take ten of those twenty minutes to further secure his, um, winky, which, unfortunately for the rest of tribes….WAS NOT ENOUGH TIME!! Let’s just skip to the end…Koror won and Ross Perot is knot a good knotter. Can I finish? Perhaps.
Ulong was going to another council. It was between Abraham and Ross Perot. Ross Perot said something to the effect of “My God says he’s going home,” alluding to Abraham’s worship of Allah. Jim Caviezel stepped in and said, “I am not his God, but I played him on TV and I am voting his sorry ass out. Amen.” Caviezel was not budging and told Steph-man-ie that he was voting for Ross Perot because he knew he voted for him at the last tribal council. Unbeknownst to him but knownst to us, Steph-man-ie was the one who voted for him. But Steph wasn’t about to tell him that, so she said she would vote for Perot too.
At tribal council, however, she ended up voting for the Goldfish and it came down to a tie where Caviezel and Steph-man-ie had to re-vote. Then, Steph-man-ie voted along with Caviezel and got rid of Perot…Even in Palau, the Reform Party can’t seem to gain much respect.
So…Until next time
Out-Lie-to-Caviezel, Out-Can I Finish?, and Out-SHARK ATTACK!!
Wayne
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment