Actually, last night’s episode was really exciting. It was full of twists and turns that I didn’t expect, grueling and interesting challenges, and the players really had something to say, I thought. APRIL FOOL’S!!!!
Last night was one of the most boring episodes of Survivor I have ever seen. If not for the enormous amount of glue I sniffed, I would have fallen asleep for sure…and I wouldn’t have met Gary Gnu either…great guy, great guy. But enough about Survivor. Let’s talk about…oh, right…ok, we can talk about Survivor.
The show started off with the remaining three members of Ulong – Abraham, Steph-man-ie, and Jim Caviezel – talking about how it felt to only have three members of a tribe. Steph-man-ie said, “Well, sometimes the best players don’t finish…well, you know what I mean…sometimes the first players finish…well…right.” Jim Caviezel forgave everyone for their sins. Abraham said this was “a lot like that show Three’s Company, which sucked. DIFF’RENT STROKES RULES EVERYTHING!!!” Anyone else notice that Abraham has the Costanza hairline going on? I totally didn’t see that one coming. Abraham? More like A-bald-ham!!! Get it???? Bald??? Ham??? A???? !!!??? Multiple question marks make everything funny
Back at Koror, Aquaman, after once again foiling Black Manta’s evil plan to take over the Palau underworld, came back to camp with a giant clam, which he spat on the beach. Katie exclaimed, “That’s gross, Aquaman!!” Aquaman tried to make up for his bad manners by bringing a giant clam for them to eat…
Clam (klaam) 1. Any of various usually burrowing marine and freshwater bivalve mollusks of the class Pelecypoda, including members of the genera Venus and Mya, many of which are edible. 2. A large gob of mucous.
Now do you get it?
???????? Remember, multiple question marks=lol.
OK, so Aquaman thought he done good. I mean, that was a lot of clam (1) meat. But, after leaving the shell in the water, this shark came along. So, Aquaman and Double G went and tried to spear it mightily and heartily. Alas, their efforts were all for not. Fire Marshall Bill, however, came and tackled the beast with his mighty hands mightily and forthright. Double G was highly impressed. Aquaman, however, was downtrodden. “Fie Marshall Bill always steals my thunder,” he exclaimed, “He is a big stupid-head!” Then he hucked a big clam (2) on the beach. FIRE MARSHALL BILL: SHARK ATTACK!!
Next came the reward challenge and it was really exciting. APRIL FOOL’S!! Oh, wait, I already used that joke…ummmm.GOTCHA! Swish! Each tribe had to build a distress signal that would be visible from a plane overhead. The one with the most visible distress signal would win. It was Koror. They won because they played on the timely “Got Milk?” ads with “Got Food?” as a distress signal. They should have used “Where’s the Beef?” How sweet would that have been? Ulong, being uber-creative, wrote “Ulong.” They should have done “Don’t Squeeze the Charmin.”
Koror won some wine, military packaged foods, and fishing supplies I think. The glue was really kicking in at this point, so I wasn’t too sure. It looked to me like they won THE DEVIL!!! Ummmm…??????? Yup. Glue.
Seriously, at this point, even I feel bad for Ulong, and I have no soul. Steph-man-ie deserves better obviously. Jim Caviezel just always looks so dejected when they lose. Abraham is going bald. They are not doing well.
Koror, filled to the gills, now turned their attention to Hot Jen and Double G. They are now kissing and pairing off, making things pretty obvious. I said it before with Rob and Ambuh, but ewwwww…Seriously, those must be some stanky kisses. It must be like kissing something wicked stanky. I LOVE SIMILES!!!!1111!!!! Plus, Hot Jen was all, “You’re all standoffish” to Double G. Double G was like, “Whateva! Whateva! I’ll do what I want!” Hot Jen is hot.
Jim Caviezel, meanwhile, emerged from the sea with a giant clam (1). Nice try Jimmy, but Aquaman already pulled that one. I don’t know why they don’t just eat Abraham. How awesome would it be if they put a cannibal on one of the tribes? At each tribal council, he could eat one of them. Maybe The Probst is a cannibal. MMMMMMM…glue.
The immunity challenge involved a puzzle and moving puzzle pieces and completing a puzzle. I’m sorry…there is no way I can make this one sound good. Pokemon Master directed the pieces while Hot Jen and Janu moved them for Koror and Jim Caviezel was the director for Ulong, until he no longer could take the heat and Steph-man-ie took over. Guess what? Koror won.
So Ulong had to go to another tribal council and it really was not clear who would be going home. Will Jim Caviezel vote out Steph-man-ie, who he has an alliance with, or Abraham, who is a fish? Will Steph-man-ie convince Abraham to side with her and vote off Jim Caviezel? Will Abraham find a cure for male pattern baldness? Will Batman escape the evil clutches of the Penguin and his henchmen? The answers? No, yes, no, no, and find out tomorrow…same bat time, same bat channel.
So, with that, Abraham was gone. I didn’t really get why Jim Caviezel didn’t vote off Steph-man-ie. I mean, she did deserve to stay, but it would have worked out better for him if she was gone. Now, with Jimmy’s undecided-ness, I don’t think Steph trusts him that much, so it wouldn’t be a strong alliance. With Abraham, he would have had a strong one…especially going into the merge, which should happen next week. Wow, that’s the most I have ever talked about Survivor in this newsletter without making a wicked good joke. Oh…wait…I got one. Plus, can't Jim Caviezel turn one Abraham into many….because, you know, he’s a fish, and Jim is like the son of God. Know what I mean? ??????????
Until next time
Out-costanza, Out-Arnold Jackson, and Out – “Now the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum,”
Wayne
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