SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU EPISODE X: BACK TO BAYSIDE.DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET IT.

Last night’s Survivor was filled with vomit, surrender, and banishment. Kind of sounds like the last time I mixed scorpion bowls and Jagermeister shots. Did I really just go there? Yes, I believe I did sucka!

The first thing I noticed on last night’s show was the strategic placement of these flies gathered around a feast of rotting flesh just as the CBS “Locusts” promo popped up at the bottom of my screen. Pretty slick marketing. When I was looking at the flies, I did think to myself, “Gosh, I really wish I could watch a whole bunch of flies attacking a whole bunch of flesh” and then BOO-YEAH! PROMO! Then, when they zoomed in on a big pile of dung, I thought to myself, “Wow, I really wish I could watch a big pile of stinking crap for an hour” and the promo for CBS’ NUMB3ERS popped up. GENIUS!

Right away, the show started off with Annoying Katie talking to Jenn about Janu. Wow, three people in a row that I haven’t really developed strong nicknames for (Annoying Katie was actually her birth name). Well, I suppose I do have Hot Jenn…I may stick with that one. Hopefully the others will come to me. Annnnyways, the girls were talking about Janu and some scary face she makes or something and Janu overheard and was not a bit pleased, so she made a scary face. Janu approached Katie about it and I believe her tirade went something like this, “Is this Junior High? Oh, you are so Saturday Night Live. I love ham and cheese sandwiches. The voices tell me I smell like a fajita. I must kill the queen.” Janu is crazy. She did call Katie “Saturday Night Live” though, which got me thinking. Katie isn’t funny, right? If she was Saturday Night Live, she would be like the least funny person on there, I think I’ll start calling her Anthony Michael Hall (AMH), since his stint on SNL was horrid. I hope this works out well for all of us. Then Janu warned Double G that, “It’s going to turn into what it’s going to turn into because all you guys are going to turn on each other. I…must…kill…the…queen.” Janu? More like “Ja-nu who’s crazy? Janu.”

The reward challenge involved swimming and erecting a giant tower thing. It was Fire Marshall Bill, Janu, Caryn, and Double G versus Hot Jenn, Steph-man-ie, and dum dad a dum…Anthony Michael Hall. The Fire Marshall Bill team won because Anthony Michael Hall is so damn slow. I don’t think that came as a big surprise since he was the nerd. They should have gotten Emilio Estevez. This is working out so great. Anyways, after their giant erection (sorry, had to…for the good of humanity) was built, they got to go and enjoy a real Palauan meal complete with a whole culture selling themselves out for 15 minutes of fame.

So, the four were invited to join in a celebration where Fire Marshall Bill said he was honored and blah, blah, blah to meet yet another fat Palauan. Then they were treated to some hula dance thing by some women with what looked like mini-woks on their breasts. The dance was followed by a meal and we got to find out how Janu keeps herself so trim. Here’s a hint…it ain’t Deal-a-Meal. Here’s another hint…BARFFFF!

When they returned to camp, they brought with them some food for the losing tribe members. Janu, since she vomited up most of what she had previously eaten, also helped herself to some dessert, which seemed to upset some tribe members, especially Anthony Michael Hall. “The chick cannot hold the food…that’s what it is.” I am loving this Anthony Michael Hall thing. What the hell though? They didn’t have to bring you back any food at all Anthony Michael Hall! Oh, and by the way…Johnny Be Good did not stand the test of time I believed it would. So, I will always hate you for that. Caryn also helped herself to some more food…mainly because she didn’t want us to forget she was on the show.

When the Survivors convened for the immunity challenge, The Probst explained that, since he is the spawn of Hell, he would have to raise the stakes a bit. The challenge required the tribe members to hold onto these steel bars as the tide rose and try to maintain breathing room. The last one left would obviously win immunity while the first one to bail would have to spend a night alone on another island. Six minutes in, Janu gave up. Who would have thought a Las Vegas showgirl would have so little endurance. I saw how tough it was when Jessie Spano tried to make it. I thought this girl had staying power. Turns out she was less Jessie Spano and more “the girl Jesse Spano pushed down the stairs so she could be the lead.” How could I have not called this girl Jessie Spano the entire season? Dammit. I could have built a whole newsletter around the time Zack took Jessie to the big dance and Screech went with Lisa, who sprained her ankle, and thus invented “the Screech” which won them the dance contest, hosted by Casey Kasem. Oh well, live and learn. Oh, Fire Marshall Bill won mainly because he wasn’t drowning. Worst…challenge…ever. Also, when asked if she was glad that she wasn’t spending the night alone, Anthony Michael Hall, with a southern accent, responded, “Hell Yeah, Jeff!” I believe she really earned her nickname at that moment right there.

So, Jessie Spano (might as well get as much use out of it as possible) was whisked off to another island to fend for herself. No Fire Marshall Bill, no Aquaman, no A.C. Slater. She actually seemed to enjoy herself. Jessie made a fire and then proceeded to dance on the beach much like the time she took speed so she could still sing in the trio with Lisa and Kelly and pass her Geometry test, and ended up breaking down during a rendition of “I’m So Excited” in her bedroom. Hey, remember Saved by the Bell? Screech is funny.

At Tribal Council, it seemed like everyone was going to be voting off Steph-man-ie, which was a smart move since she is the only Hulk on the tribe. Unfortunately, her steroids rage had reached the sad phase and she cried before everyone about how Jessie Spano wanted to go back to Bayside much more than she wanted to return to just being plain old Bill Bixby. Jessie Spano ended up laying down her torch. Why? Because she is Jessie Spano. I mean, why did she actually miss stripping in that seedy club in Vegas when she became a showgirl? The answer, “because she’s Jessie Spano” really explains everything. It’s alright, cuz she’s saved by the bell.

So, goodbye Jessie Spano references. Hello A.C.

Until next time
Out-Screech, Out-Zack, and Out-remember-to-set your DVR-to-tape-Locusts-on-Sunday,
Wayne