SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU EPISODE XI: HULK HAVE FRIENDS? NO? HULK SAD

Last night’s Survivor was filled with homosexual overtones, bad body odors, and lots of tears. Kind of sounds like the last time I mixed scorpion bowls and Jagermeister…crap, I already did that joke last week. Kind of sounds like the time when I had a really bad time and drank a lot and got sick and did some stuff I wasn’t too happy with…phew. Good save!

So, ok, let me get this out of the way before we go any further. While watching Survivor last night, yet one more Sunday night movie caught my interest. No, not Elvis, No, not Bastille Day: Shark Attack! It was actually this week’s Hallmark Hall of Fame. It seems that Rosie O’ Donnell will be playing a mentally challenged woman in ummm…The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round on my Sister or something like that. My problem with the film is this – Isn’t this the same character Miss O’ Donnell played on her long-running talk show? SWISH! KOOSH!

On with the show…

Coming back from tribal council, the exchange went something like this:
Steph: STEPH-MAN-IE MAD YOU WANT VOTE FOR HER
Fire Marshall Bill: Test your smoke detectors every month
Steph: STEPH NOT KNOW WHO TO TRUST. WANT STAY. GRRRRRR!
Fire Marhsall Bill: Here, have this necklace
Steph: NECKLACE HAVE SHARK TEETH. NECKLACE: SHARK ATTACK!
Fire Marshall Bill: C’mere you…

Seriously, though, Steph was acting like they owed her something. Look, you never win challenges…ever. You were part of the reason that your tribe died out. Whoever told you you deserve to be here is lying to you. You do absolutely nothing right. You are, in essence, a hype machine. In the end, hype machines never pay off. Remember that movie that Ang Lee made about you? I want my ten dollars back, Ang Lee. You ever notice that if you take that extra ‘e’ off, his name becomes angle? Also, race car spelled backwards is race car. Is anyone listening to me? Hey, remember that joke I made about Rosie O’ Donnell? Those were good times.

Realizing that hype would take her only so far in this game, Steph tried to use her special vagina power to form a women-only alliance. Since she technically has a penis, I was skeptical of the plan myself, but, hey, her original plan of “sucking all the time” wasn’t working, so why not? It seemed like Anthony Michael Hall and Hot Jenn were on board. Maybe Hot Jenn isn’t “into” Double G anymore. Maybe Double G is interested in someone else on the island Anthony Michael Hall, meanwhile, was in “Hysteria:the Def Leppard Story” in 2001 as “Pour Some Sugar on Me” songwriter Mutt Lange. All that was left was to convince..oh, what the hell is her name. You know…the other chick. You know her. Really skinny. What’s-her-face. Red light, yellow light, green light, go…..

Did you know that Anthony Michael Hall was born in Boston?

Anyways, Fire Marshall Bill was meanwhile trying to convince what’s-her-face to join in an alliance as the 6th person. Then he asked Steph-man-ie to join as the 7th. OK, he didn’t ask Steph, but seriously…a 6 person alliance on a 7-person tribe? Where is the benefit? What’s-her-face is what’s-her-DUMB! That does too make sense. ROSIE O’ DONNELL! ELMO!

The reward challenge was an auction for food. Each tribe member was given some money at the beginning to bid on unknown items. Highest bidder wins. Rather than talk about each prize and winner, I will just give you a taste…Aquaman won a prize, and was also offered a trade. He declined, and found that the trade would have resulted in him getting a jar of crabs while the original unknown item was a plate of spaghetti and garlic bread. Of course he passed it up – AQUAMAN CAN TALK TO CRABS! Double G paid 20 dollars for a bite and the two of them recreated the Italian Restaurant scene from Lady and the Tramp Moving on, the final box came out and Aquaman correctly guessed that it contained letters from home. Of course he did – AQUAMAN CAN TALK TO LETTERS! Anyways, Fire Marshall Bill paid something like $220 for them. The Probst then informed the rest of the tribe members that, since they didn’t value the love of their family enough, he was going to murder every tribe member’s loved ones “slowly.” What? He didn’t?

Also, at the reward challenge, The Probst told Aquaman he smelled really bad. Wanting to impress the Prince of Darkness, Aquaman decided to take a bath. While washing, he asked Double G, “Can you do my back?” to which Double G replied,” Can you do my front?” to which Anthony Michael Hall replied, “Hey, I was in that movie.” I came up with this cool rhyme too:

Double G and Aquaman sittin’ in a tree,
Gregg spells his name with too many G’s
First comes baths
Then comes marriage
I like pizza

The immunity challenge was pretty boring. It involved breaking tiles. The only thing to report was that Steph-man-ie went back to her original plan of “sucking at everything.” Aquaman wins immunity.

After the challenge, Anthony Michael Hall tried to get what’s her-face to be a part of “the Vaginas,” her cool new group. What’s her face went back and told Fire Marshall Bill this in return for him teaching her how to stop, drop, and roll. Aquaman then told Anthony Michael Hall, to which he replied, “the chick cannot hold her tongue…that’s what it is.”

At tribal council, in the end, Steph-man-ie was voted out. After 30 days of no steroids, most of the rage was gone, and we instead were treated to a softer side of the Hulk. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if they showed her hitchhiking on the side of the road? Remember, like in that show? Hey, remember shows?


Until next time
Out-SMASH!, Out-ANGRY!, Out-HULK!SMASH!ANGRY!
Wayne