SURVIVOR FLASHBACK: PALAU KICKOFF NEWSLETTER

Remember when Wayne said that really funny thing about Skeletor missing his henchmen at Castle Grayskull?

Remember when Levar Burton made me want to stick a butter knife in my retina?

Remember when….BANG! Robocop!....stop living in the past, man.

Anyways, yeah, that time is upon us again when I shirk all the responsibilities in my life to bring you ingrates recaps of what is fast becoming one of the worst shows on television. And if that doesn’t tempt you…I don’t know what will. I figured, as I did last season, you guys would like a little snapshot of who the current crop of losers and ne’er’do’wells and slug-a-beds are. Or maybe you wouldn’t. Whatever. Either way, the doctor says I can quench the homicidal urges by expressing myself in prose. Must kill Jennifer Lopez…what? Oh, I mean ummmm….a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Anyways, here they are:

Angie – Off to a good start with this one. When she isn’t busy shopping at Hot Topic, watching the Nightmare Before Christmas, or drinking Mountain Dew Pitch Black, Angie enjoys being as white as possible. Seriously, Angie…goth is so 2002. Get with it. On the upside, her favorites list has the words “meat buns” in it.

Ashlee – Ashlee is pretty hot, I think, but she is also a Mormon. In her video, she says that people are puzzled that she is a Mormon with “huge, humongous breasts.” So, for that comment, I am not a big fan, but huge, humongous breasts always rate high in my book. I mean, I like huge…and I like humongous….so this chick has it all. Then I see that her favorite actress is Megan Mullally. Yes, the person who plays Karen on TV’s Will and Grace. Gah…wait…huge, humongous breasts…ok, better now.

Bobby Jon – Well, aside from having the most annoying name in the world, Bobby Jon was voted Alabama’s most eligible bachelor in the spring of 2003. But, seriously, that’s like being called, um, hmmm..think Wayne! Think! Um, Florida’s Most Intelligent Voter? Washington’s Least Corrupt Politician? Detroit’s Least Homicidal? Well, you get the picture. In a nutshell, Bobby Jon is a Bobby Joke….right? right?

Caryn – In the two-paragraph tradition of annoying names, Caryn continues on, with not only the “C” but also the “Y”. Good work Caryn. Caryn is a Kivel Rights Atterney. Hey, if she can change spelling, so can I beeeyatch!

Coby – is a hairstylist who wears those shirts without sleeves. His favorite color? Yellowish Orange. His favorite actor? Jude Law. His favorite music? Madonna. Favorite sports team? No favorite. His favorite cereal? Gay.

Gregg – Hey Bobby Jon…you think having two names is annoying? Caryn…Please…Caryn is so cliché. How about using two g’s at the end of Greg? Top that sucka! Gregg seems like he’s way EXTREME! That’s probably why he uses to g’s…what could be more extreme than extra consonants? EXTREME!

Ian – trains dolphins. Also he was previously employed as an outdoor adventure group dynamics facilitator, wedding disc jockey, street performer at a major amusement park and construction worker. Hey, Ian’s parents…this is a cry for help. Ian is lost. I mean, look at his hair. Anyone with hair that wispy needs someone to talk to.

Ibrehem – And the names continue. Also, his favorite outdoor activities are “biking, hiking, chillin’ on the beach.” I have no problem with taking the “g” off to appear more street, but shouldn’t the entire phrase agree? In other news, I am extremely not cool.

James – has nothing at all interesting about him. Nothing. Not even a cool name. Wait, though, I watched his video where he describes himself as a redneck. Now, according to James, “rednecks are not racist, skinheads are.” And, among the characteristics of being a redneck are “chewing ‘abacca” and your wife has to be a stripper. He is currently being sued by the Redneck Anti-Defamation League (RADL)

Janu – is a showgirl in Vegas. Wait now, don’t get excited. The name of the show is “Unattractive Showgirls of Vegas” just kidding Janu…you know I love you. And here’s to hoping your top comes off

Jeff – Looking at Jeff’s picture, he seems pretty normal. But, after delving into his favorites, it appears Jeff is the stupidest man on Earth. Jeff’s favorite movie? Bio-Dome, which complements his favorite actors – Sean William Scott and Pauly Shore. Stifler and the Weasel. His favorite outdoor activities are “eating paste, standing around with his mouth agape, and having a vacant look about him.” Jeff? More like, um, “Stupid Jeff.”

Jennifer – is hot.

Jolanda – is not. And she listed “no favorite” as her favorite scent, board game, video game, snack food, candy bar, and cookie. Her favorite activity is being extremely boring.

Jonathan – Is dreamy…ahem, I mean…well, Jonathan had testicular cancer and beat it, which isn’t funny, but remember that episode of Seinfeld when George got out of the pool and the girl walked in on him and he said it shrunk from the cold water. Now, that was funny!

Katie – describes herself as hilarious, which usually means she is very far from funny. She goes on to say that there has never been anyone like her on Survivor…there has never been a funny female. Katie? More like Hate-ey. Because I hate her. Now that is hilarious.

Kim – learned Arabic after September 11th so that she could read news reports coming in from the Middle East. Too bad they don’t speak Arabic…they speak Muslim. Dummy! Right? Right?

Stephenie – See what Steph did there…she used an “e” where there is usually an “a.” Steph is quirky. And by quirky, I mean, wicked annoying. One of her favorite outdoor activities is crabbing. Steph…sex is an activity…crabbing is a result. …doy.

Tom – seems ok, actually. And his daughter lost her hearing when she was 18 months. Then she got a cochlear implant. Cochlear. Say it with me. Get it? Cochlear? No no…cochlear. Yeah…now you got it. Isn’t that funny?

Wanda – Has won the “most likely to be hiding a penis” award this season.

Willard – is old. Even though I respect him saying the ’83 – ’84 Boston Celtics are his favorite sports team, I gotta deduct points for saying his favorite cereal is Organic spelt. I don’t know what spelt is, but it doesn’t sound like it should be anyone’s favorite anything…Spelt? More like, well, spelt is pretty bad…I’m sticking with spelt.

So these are them….them are these. I look forward to writing these newsletters as much as you look forward to reading them this season, but hey at least it’s only for several weeks. Good luck.

Wayne