Last night’s episode began with Fang coming back from Tribal Council pretty happy about getting rid of grandma. Susie continued her trend of being useless by saying something useless. “We must win our next immunity challenge.” Thanks Coach. She also stated that they must not lose in order to win and that winning is the key to winning. Susie is the exact opposite of good. Randy, meanwhile, did not share in his tribe’s enthusiasm. In talking about his tribe, Randy said, “The problem is that they're stupid. I really shouldn't blame them for being complete idiots, but they are. They don't know it, but they are." Randy’s the smartest person in Fang. But that’s like being called the world’s tallest midget. Or the youngest person in Florida. Or McDonald’s employee of the month. That’s right – they’re all high honors.
The next morning, Randy sees GC cooking rice and complains about the fact that they have only been there seven days, but have already gone through half their rice. GC = Greedy Cook? So Randy tries to convince the tribe to eat only two meals a day. Most of the tribe agrees, except for GC, who has an enormous T-shirt to fill and thus needs all the carbs he can get. GC = Grains Consumer?? Randy then says that GC is the cancer of the tribe and he needs to be excised. Wow. Imagine being called a cancer. I mean, Cancer is a water sign. A WATER SIGN!!! GC = Good Communicator?? Get it? Because Cancers are supposed to be good communicators. What? I heard astrological humor was making a comeback, no? Taurus? More like Bore-us, right? RIGHT?? Hey, take my Virgo. Please.
Back at Kota, Charlie, Marcus, Jacquie, and Corinne all go on a little fishing trip to discuss the other couplings going on outside their alliance – with Ace and Sugar’s cleavage sticking together, and Kelly and Paloma doing the same. Which left Bob open as a possible swing vote. Also, Sugar is a two-face. Seriously, I find myself during the show thinking, “hey, she’s kind of cute.” Then she talks to the camera and I’m all, “Mama Pajamas!” Oh, and Paloma doesn’t like Ace. But, seriously, who would? “Oi, I’m Ace. I like to have an accent and be bald…lalalala look at me.” What a bastard.
Then came the reward challenge. One person had to hold onto a pole while two members of the opposite tribe had to try and pull them off the pole and drag them across a line, which equals a point. It reminded me of the time I didn’t want to go to bed so bad, I held on to the leg of a table. It took like five people to pull me off and drag me to my room. I cried the whole way. I know it was for the best because otherwise I would have been really cranky today, but there was a really good episode of Family Guy on. See what I did there? I’m talking about lastnight, which is crazy because I am an adult. But being dragged into bed is something you would more associate with a kid. Which I wasn’t. Because I am saying it happened last night. Therefore, it is funny.
In the first round, Marcus and Charlie pulled Dan over the finish line before GC and Matty can do the same with Ace. This was mainly due to the fact that GC stopped trying to pull Ace off in the middle of the round. SATAN was very unhappy about this, noting that GC needed to “dig deep.” GC = God-Awful at Competing. Then, Kota stuck Paloma on the pole, while Fang went with Susie. Paloma, being small and cute, did not fare well against Randy and Crystal. So, it was tied…and it came down to a final Round 3. Again, Fang went with Crystal as an attacker because, well, Finkel is Einhorn. She was joined by Matty in trying to pull Ace free, while Bob and Marcus go after Dan. Crystal and Matty ended up getting Ace across first and they won…blankets. They also got to send someone to OMG COVER YOUR EYES ISLAND!!11 Super Mario was like, “we will send someone sweet, so we’ll go with Sugar.” He’s super smooth. He also recited a short poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I hit D,F+LP
Sub-Zero will freeze you
Super Mario…wins.
Back at Kota, Ace says that they strategically withdrew from the challenge and that’s why they put Paloma on the pole. And now he has basically set her up to be targeted as a weak member of the tribe. That just seems mean. I bet Captain Stubing would be like, “Ace, I’m totally with you on the baldness and smug attitude, but that just seemed a bit over the top.” Then Isaac would be like, “I love the ladies.” Then Vicki would say, “I ruined this show.” Then Charro would be like, “Coochie Coochie.” The end.
Also, Charlie said he thinks Crystal is a post-op. That’s such an insult to post-op transsexuals everywhere. She’s so obviously pre-op.
Over on AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! ISLAND, meanwhile, Sugar proves she’s more than just a bad belly tattoo. She chooses the clue over the comfort and follows a series of clues until she finds – TA-DA! – the hidden immunity idol. Good for you, Two-Face. She also said she couldn’t believe she found it when the lawyer (Dan) didn’t. If you remember, Dan found the “on the other side of the lake” part of the instructions confusing last episode and spent most of his time trying to look underwater. Conjunction Junction, what’s your function? No, seriously conjunction junction, please tell Dan. He seems to be having trouble with that one.
Poor clueless Bob is meanwhile being used by all sides of Kota. Ace is telling him to side with him and Sugar. Corinne is telling him to side with her alliance. But, to the camera, Corinne lets us know there is no way she is taking Bob to the end…she just wants to exploit her trust. Has anyone noticed how Bob has adorably fashioned his buff into a bowtie? How could you screw over anyone as old-timey as Bob. That’s be like screwing over the Bartles and Jaymes dudes…or Wilford Brimley. Yes, Wilford, I will get my blood sugar checked regularly…just please tell me again about how you used to hang out at the ice cream parlor and play stickball. I bet Bob calls kids whipper-snappers.
Next up was the immunity challenge. In it, tribe members had to slide down a huge Slip N’ Slide thing, retrieve these number pieces from the water and bring em back for one member to solve this math puzzle to open the chest to get the ax to cut the flag to win the challenge to catch the goat, she swalloed the goat to catch the dog, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird, she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, that wriggled and jiggled and giggled inside her, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die. Seriously, that’s one messed-up kids song. I’ll never sing it to my kids…because I think it will make them fat.
I’ll just skip to the end. Both puzzle people – Bob and Super Mario – had all the numbers to solve the puzzle. They were picked because one is a physics teacher and the other plays video games. Playing video games definitely makes you good at math – for instance, here is a math problem that I am sure faces a number of “gamers”:
Little Kenny plays 8 hours of Contra every day throughout his 4 years of high school. Additionally, 75% of his body is covered in acne and 9 of his fingers are always covered in orange Chee-toh dust. If he talks to ten girls, what percentage of those girls will call him a “loser”?
Answer: who cares? I just pressed up,up,down,down,left,right, left,right,b,a,b,a,start.and got 30 lives.
However, Super Mario’s gaming expertise overcame Bob’s oldness and Fang won immunity for the first time.
At Kota, Two-Face tells only Ace that she has the hidden immunity idol. Ace is excited and sets his mind on making it to the end. Who’s not excited? Commissioner Gordon, who feels that Harvey Dent now has much too much power and the city of Gotham will regret this.
Also, Corinne makes it clear that she thinks Ace’s accent is fake. If this were true, I think maybe I would start to like Ace. “Oi, I’m Ace and Oi, I like fish and chips and let’s see what’s on the telly….” Actually, nope…nothing could make me like Ace. You hear that Ace? NOTHING!!!111 C’mon…don’t look at me like that. You make it so hard to hate you. You make me hate hating you. No, I have to stay strong on this…I can’t turn back now. I hate you and that’s that.
At tribal council, Two-face again said she does not have the idol and then cried about her Dad dying. That was all good and everything, but I think the more interesting piece was Kelly emerging as amazingly dumb. When asked what was good about Ace, she said it was that he was condescending. When LUCIFER HIMSELF asked why that was a good thing, she said that “some people want to make rice and some people want to make water. Look, if people want to boil water, just let them.” It may not have been exactly that, but it was pretty close. Kelly makes Dan look like Jim Sokolove.
Although it looked like maybe Two-Face would be going home, Paloma was voted out in the end. Her end speech was pretty funny too…in that she said if Ace wins, she will “never watch Survivor again.” I wish I could say the same, but my readers need me. Right? RIGHT?
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[crickets]
Screw you guys. I’m goin home.
Until next time
Wayne
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