Last night was all kinds of in-yo-face crazy on Survivor. Burnett threw in a huge WHAT THE WHAT??? And THE DEVIL was especially condescending. Also, Ken really wants to get laid. Like, wicked bad. But…I am getting ahead of myself. Come back here, self, and let’s DO THIS THING!!!!!!!!!11111// O HAI!!
The show began with Kota coming back from their first tribal council all bummed out. Ace said this was the worst thing he has done in recent history. Even worse than getting his wisdom teeth out. Oh Ace, you’re such a card!!! A card….Hahahahahaha!
Whoa. I’m….I’m really sorry about that.
At Fang, the next morning, even though they won the last immunity challenge, everyone still seems pretty crap-tastic. I assume that’s because Randy is there. He’s all, “hey, we can only eat once a day. Our rice is getting low. I am old and grumpy. When I was a boy, we didn’t have things like hair dryers. If you wanted to blow dry your hair you stood outside during a hurricane. Your hair was dry but you had a sharp piece of wood driven clear through your skull and that's the way it was and you liked it! You loved it.” But, yeah, he doesn’t want them all eating as much rice because this game is called “Survivor” not “Ultimate Rice Eater.”
Then, Randy, Matty, Dan, and Susie walk off into the woods, leaving GC, Super Mario, and Lou Ferigno to theorize that those four are in an alliance. Really? You think so? You don’t think Matty and Susie just have a lot in common:
Matty: hey Susie, you ever go out and catch like a monster wave…and your board hits it in such a way that you feel like you’re totally flying. Hang ten!
Susie: You know what’s really fun? Eating a whole bucket of Original Recipe.
Matty: I hear ya. I was once so buried by a wave, I thought I was going to die. My whole life flashed before my eyes and it really made me appreciate what I had. Surf’s up!
Susie: I once ate a whole box of Suzie Qs and drank a whole 2-liter of Pepsi. And I was still hungry!!!
Matty: Aw buddy, I love being friends with you. Kowabunga!!!
Susie: And I love cream-filled treats.
Matty: Oh, Suze!
Susie: It’s Susie! NOT SUZE!!! SUSIE!!!CHOCO-DILES!!!!111
Matty: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine
Suzie: (eats Matty)
Yes…I did all that just so I could turn Matty into Spicoli. What? They both surfed. Aloha.
Turns out those three were right. Those four were forming an alliance. Golly!! Also, Randy called GC a “cancer” again. To which cancer responded, “Man, I need to improve my PR. I mean GC? Really?? That’s just a really unfair comparison.” This formed alliance leads Spicoli to say, “I really truly feel that this alliance that we have created is gonna be solid for a while. I think that it is gonna carry me pretty far."…
UNTIL….BURNETT SUCKER PUNCH!!! WHAT’S UP NOW!!! REALITY TV!!!!!!!111PWNED!!!
Both teams arrived at the next challenge and BEELZEBUB explained that the challenge would force each team member to rank the other members of their tribe in order of importance. Wow, that’s really awful, even for THE CROWNED PRINCE OF DARKNESS. Each member would go off in private and rank the other members of their tribe in private. Then each member would have to stand on numbered pedestals according to their rank. When I was little, I used to put my friends through the same type of ordeal. And by “friends,” I mean Care Bears. I remember the day I demoted Funshine to number 2 and moved Tenderheart up to number 1. That’s the last time any of them called me fat. Funshine, however, took solace in the fact that in no way she would ever be ranked lower than Cozy Heart Penguin. Those Care Bear Cousins were teh awful.
Just so you know, the rankings on Kota went: (1) Marcus, (2) Ace, (3) Bob, (4) Charlie, (5) Jacquie, (6) Corinne, (7) Sugar, and (8) Kelly and the rankings on Fang were: (1) Spicoli, (2) Dan, (3) Randy, (4) Lou Ferigno, (5) Super Mario, (6) GC, and (7) Susie. Lou Ferigno couldn’t believe she was third because she worked her butt off. Then she exclaimed, “You mean I tucked this thing in for nothing?” Also, Ace called Kelly a “whiny little cow.” He is totally going from geek to chic for me. And being picked behind Super Mario, GC proclaimed, “its not looking too good for a pimp out here.” I don’t know what that means, but if I did, I would totally make fun of it.
OK, so then ROSEMARY’S BABY said they would be switching tribes up. I was all, “WOW!!! OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO BORING!” So, yeah, they had to start with the first picked and switch off, picking from opposite tribes. The new Fang is Matty, Ace, Lou Ferigno, Jacquie, Super Mario and Kelly. Why did Super Mario pick Kelly? It seemed like a good strategy to me since being last picked, she may be easier to sway. However, Super Mario said it was because she was hot. Is Super Mario the horniest Survivor player ever? Well, think about it. All jocks think about is sports. All nerds ever think about is s*x. To which Ace replied, “Let’s get those nerds!” Full circle, my friends.
Also, THE GOAT-LEGGED ONE, seeing that GC wasn’t suffering enough at being picked last from his tribe, pointed out that “nobody chose him.” This is the official start of THE PROBST’s barrage of insults from last night…seriously, he slung so much crud at the members, he made even me uncomfortable. And I’m the guy who has been accusing a woman on the show of hiding male genitalia.
Also, you’ll notice that Sugar was absent from my description of the new tribes. Being the absolute last person picked had her sent to BOOGEDY ISLAND. She will join the tribe that has to send someone home at tribal council. Since she already had the hidden idol, her time on SHRIEK-INDUCING ISLAND was relatively boring. She chose comfort and ate an apple in a hammock. She did, however, have her out-of-place laughter on full display. While eating her apple she said, “Oh my God, this is delicious…ha! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGIGGGLEGUFFAWLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH!” Yeah, that was frikkin’ hilarious Sugar.
Back at his new camp, Randy says that if he gets voted off, he will burn the camp down. Seriously, he really said that. Then asked if anyone has seen his stapler. MOVIE REFERENCES=LOL!!!! STORAGE AREA B!!! JENNIFER ANISTON WAS ALSO IN THIS MOVIE!
At the new Fang camp, the old Fang members are noticing that poor little Kelly has been feeling like an outsider and decide maybe they can use this to their advantage and bring her over to their side. Kelly is into this…and says she is with them til the end. Kelly says that Jacquie is just “so fake” and that being a salesperson she can tell if people are fake. Then she does her best impression of Jacquie, “like cool. Awesome. What’s up?” The only problem? She sounds exactly the same! Its like Paris Hilton doing an impression of Nicole Ritchie. And Kelly, I don’t know…she seems…like not all there to me. Her eyes are just so…vacant. It’s really quite hot.
Next up was the immunity challenge. Each tribe member has to sit in these little rafts that looked a lot like the one that Snoopy and Woodstock rode in “Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown” and use their paddles like lacrosse sticks to move a ball to the opposite team’s goal. First team to 3 points wins. While Spicoli, Marcus, Ace, Jacquie, and – surprisingly – Randy were doing well, all the others were struggling. And THE EVIL ONE relished in pointing this out. “Kelly doing nothing,” “Lou Ferigno being completely useless here,” “Super Mario Super Sucking,” he would exclaim. At the end, he ended with, “Fang, without question, one of the worst performances I have ever seen at a challenge.” I half-expected him to follow it up with “.Everyone in this game is now dumber for having watched you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Um, a simple “wrong” would have done just fine.
Back at Fang, Ace said the immunity challenge made him feel like his tribe were “legless chickens racing against a very sleek, um…woozle, weetsel?” I don’t really know what he just said there, but I do know that he just went from totally chic to totally geek.
Also, as everyone in Fang was recounting their horrible performance, Kelly comes out with “should-a, could-a, would-a, over it” which really made the rest of her tribe be all, “no she didn’t.” She is seriously awful at every aspect of this show. That is all.
So, yeah, the original fang members are starting to re-think their strategy of voting out Jacquie or Ace and maybe going with Kelly. That is, of course, until they start thinking about hidden immunity idols and the unknown of Sugar. Then, they start thinking about maybe voting Jacquie off. This is even further strengthened by Jacquie going to Lou Ferigno and almost crying to stay on. She tells Lou Ferigno mid-hug, that she would love to be in her alliance. At that point, Jacquie said to Lou Ferigno, “your gun is digging into my hip,” which sent Lou Ferigno running off, shamed, with her hands covering her crotch, which was weird. And oddly titillating.
Oh my god. What are they going to do? The suspense is killing me. Tell me. Tell me now. I can’t stand it any longer….AHHHHHH!
Jesus, relax. I am going to tell you.
At tribal council, EVIL INCARNATE continued his digs with, “Welcome to another tribal council, starring the Fang Tribe.” One of these days, someone is going to kill him.
At tribal, Kelly says that there were other members of her tribe that were weaker than her, like Super Mario and Lou Ferigno. Lou Ferigno, of course, took issue with this and said “I am not weaker than her.” Then she invited Kelly to the gun show. After a rebuttal of “confused look,” Lou Ferigno flexed her bicep right in Kelly’s face. As Kelly looked on in amazement, Lou Ferigno shot her in the face. With a gun. Then Super Mario was all, “Forward, forward A” and jump-kicked her to the face. At least I think that’s what happened. Sorry, I checked out of this show like 5 minutes into the first episode.
Anyways, in the end, Fang voted out Jacquie because their tribe was not already weak enough…
Until next time,
Wayne
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