SURVIVOR EPISODE VI: POOKIE WAS OBVIOUSLY CHRIS ROCK’S FUNNIEST MOVIE ROLE…SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT WAS

Hullo. I apologize wholeheartedly for not providing you all with a recap last week. I was unavoidably detained getting all my hopes up for nothing at the Sox game. Ah well…I hear the Revolution are doing well. Go soccer! Score a, um, hmmmm…a…score a…ball kick?

Anyways, the show last night opened with, surprise surprise, a down in the dumps Fang tribe. Last week, they lost yet another immunity challenge and had to send GC and his XXXXXXXXXXL T-shirt packing. Losing another challenge has them just feeling down about things. Hey gang! Turn those frowns upside-down. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Come on people now…smile on your brothers…everybody get together and…I can’t keep it up. Honestly, you guys are awful and should feel bad about everything you are and do. ‘cept you Super Mario. I mean, you pulled yourself up from plumber to princess-rescuer to frogsuit-wearer in like no time. Good for you…but seriously, maybe you should think about losing the suspenders and cap and mustache. You are way stereotypical. “OH, MAMMA MIA!!! Thatsa clogga toilet. Somebody beena eatin too mucha da manigot. Now Im’a gonna go joina da mafia and listen to the Frank Sinatra. But Tony, dogs don’t talk!!! Fettucine Alfredo! Aw, shut uppa yo face!!”

Also, Ace is starting to think about who he should bring into his alliance. “I just wonder who will be my Benedict Arnold?” Ace…how can you think about eggs at a time like this!...

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Is this thing on??

The next morning, Matty tells us that all he dreams about are his dog, food, and his girlfriend Jaime. Erm, together? Because I totally have the same dream. Does your girlfriend get all freaked out when you get to the part about the dog taking the food and [redacted]?? Seriously, my wife almost called the cops on me when I told her about that one. Marriage, right? Women be crazy, y’all.

So, anyways, yeah…Matty misses his girlfriend and is making her a ring to pass the time. A ring forged in the fires of Mount DOOM!!! Yeah, Frodo, I’m sure that as long as you bring that home, she won’t care about the million dollars at all. Women be liking money, y’all!

Ace and Frodo then decide to enter into an alliance. Ace gets to bring Sugar and Frodo gets to bring Super Mario. At first I was like, “wait, what?? Super Mario?” But then I remembered that if they find a star, they could totally be invincible for like 5 seconds. That would be awesome FOR FIVE SECONDS!! Man, How awful was it in Super Mario 3 when you would get the star card to use in a world? Yeee, look at me…I am invincible…I can do anything….I’m…wait, why is the blinking slowing down…Hold down B…fast…I’m running…I’m… KOOPA TROOPER! DEAD! Good choice, Frodo. At least Sam was a good cuddler.

You guys totally missed this last week, huh?

At Kota, the mood is very different. Everyone is happy and eating. And loving life. Well, except for when they talk about Dan. Because he eats too much. Oh, and Randy is generally unhappy. But except for everyone in the tribe angry about Dan and Randy angry about the onset of old age…they are great.

Back at Fang, Sugar proves that she is not as smart as everyone thinks she is. Did you? No, I didn’t. Oh, ok then…she reaffirmed our suspicions then. She went and gave Ace the not-hidden-anymore immunity idol for “safe keeping.” Why? Are you really asking me that? Her name is Sugar. Now, you understand.

Next up was the reward challenge. In this challenge, each tribe was tethered to a long, heavy snake (that’s what she said?) and they had to run around this course chasing each other with their snake (that’s what she said?) and then if your snake touches the other snake, you win (ugh, is that what she said? That reminds me of another dream…Forget it.) Fang was actually doing good right up until the point they realized they are awful at things and they slowed down. Then, they lost Sugar and Super Mario…then Kelly…then Lou Ferigno. Then it was just up to Frodo and Ace to carry the snake. And they are but two men. So they lost. And Kota won pastries and coffee. Man, I love pastries and coffee.

THE DEVIL, of course not just happy with Fang’s loss, invited Kota to sample the pastries right in front of Fang. His thirst for misery was quenched as poor Fang was left to watch Randy gum down a cinnabon. This caused Lou Ferigno to break down in tears. HULK SAD.

Back at Kota, DID I MENTION DAN ENJOYS EATING?? Well, he does, so the rest of the tribe decides that they need to ration out the pastries. Though Dan tried to talk his way into extra pastry with his lawyerly ways (wow, lawyerly is a real word? Thanks spell check!) Good thing his lawyerly ways are sub-par because he got no extra pastries. Randy, seeing everyone’s frustrations with Dan, egged Dan on to eating more pastry. “Go on, eat it,” he nudged, “all the cool kids are doing it. Pastries make you feel good.” No bite for Dan though. He was already full of TONS OF RICE.

Again, also, Kota sent Sugar back to Exile Island, where she cried about eating fruit while her tribe members were left to not eat fruit. I hadn’t seen her try to bring any back though. So, her tears are hollow to me. YOU HEAR ME! HOLLOW!!

And now, back at the Fang camp, Lou Ferigno starts worrying about her future in the game because she lost it after the reward challenge. “Don’t take my tears as a sign of weakness,” she said. I didn’t. I just took it as a sign that she hasn’t had her “medicine” in a few days. Other signs of this? Her voice is getting deeper again, and her armpits are starting to look like Madonna’s in Desperately Seeking Susan. Remember that? Oh, she’s using the bathroom dryer to dry her pit hair. That’s hilarious. I get it. She’s dirty. Hahahahaha. Now, I totally get her sex symbol status. How crazy is it that Madonna has actually gone downhill since then.

Kelly is leading the charge against Lou Ferigno at Fang, “Her, like, tears are, like, a sign of like weakness, you know? I mean, its like you know like total like you know like I mean its all totally like, you know?” Kelly is to a grasp of the English language as Sarah Palin is to political experience. OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!!!!! POLITICAL HUMOR!!! JON STEWART!!!

At the Kota camp, the tribe members decide that nothing goes better with pastries than a little amphibian. Bob and Marcus haul in a turtle from the water. Despite the turtle’s deft strokes with his sai blade and his constant exclamations of “KOWABUNGA!!” and “RADICAL!!” Bob and Marcus overtook them. It was at this point in the show that the evil Shredder took his own life. His suicide note read, “Damn. I mean, I had countless members of the Foot Clan working for me along with both BeBop and Rocksteady. How in the heck could Bob and f’ing Marcus have succeeded where I failed? Oh, wait a second, that wasn’t a Ninja Tur…(snap)” Yeah, I know. Weird. He actually wrote “(snap)” in the note. Say what you will about Shredder, but at least he followed through with things. Unlike that jerkface Leatherhead. He still owes me fifty bucks.

Should I even bother to explain the immunity challenge? We all know who lost, no? Oh well, it was this challenge where teams of two from each tribe would have to alternate going out through an increasingly difficult set of obstacles to retrieve pieces of a flagpole and then assemble the flagpole once all the pieces were in place. Fang actually had a chance as Frodo and Super Mario made up a lot of time. However, their inability to work as a team killed them when they went to make the actual pole. If Sesame Street as taught me one thing, its that cooperation is the way to get things done. If its taught me two things, its that aqua means water in Spanish. And if its taught me three things, its that Cookie Monster seriously needs to check himself into a clinic soon. That guy is a straight-up junkie. The only difference between Cookie and Pookie? Cookie ain’t ever turnin’ rat. He’s stayin’ straight up New Jack hustla.

Anyways, Fang ended up losing…and was faced with yet another tribal council. Back at camp, it seems most are leaning towards voting out Kelly. Though Lou Ferigno wants Ace gone, everyone else is talking Kelly. Also, Super Mario convinced Sugar that she was stupid for giving Ace her idol and she takes it back. Super Mario, you alright.

Now, tribal council was a heated affair, unlike my house since I refuse to turn on the oil until January. Hey kids, either throw on a sweater or get a job. Am I right? OIL BE EXPENSIVE, Y’ALL!!! But yeah, Kelly called out Lou Ferigno for being “like all like crying” and then threw Ace under the bus saying he was saying the same thing, to which he responded “no I wasn’t” and that really confused poor Kelly and her head exploded. Due to having no head, she was voted off and for that, we say goodbye to Karen and Heather Orlowski. Sorry ladies, but I hope you, like, still, like, have a, like good time reading the newsletters.

Until next time,Wayne